Ke$ha Wallpaper in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Here then are the real dregs for the last week or so many other weeks that i’ve stopped counting. They’re short and sweat, just the way we like ‘em here in the Bar None where urine for a treat from Ke$ha, Bieber’s top fucks up his Karma and i cure fucking hangovers. Keep on reading, you don’t beliebe me…
[Press 'Play' for "I'm pissin' in the Dom Pérignon (C'mon let's do it now)"]
Girl. Hungover Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You know me (and if you don’t, i’m not the one), i hate to give bad news here ’cause i’m all about the yucks but don’t shoot the messager because i’m the guy to tell you that hangovers may stop existing.
Researchers in California (which, contrary to popular belief is not the Hangover State, that honor is reserved for Innebreity) are developing a pill that will, similar to Nicolas Cage, act like your liver.
What a disaster! No more hangovers! Who will be left to drive the porcelain bus? Who will put the technicolor in the burp? Who will call God on the big white phone?
It doesn’t stop there. What will be left to make make people promise to stop drinking? Imagine the hurt pain reliever sales will feel. The hangover is a rite of wrong every high school student needs to learn a lesson from. Just think, if there are no more hangovers, men will keep drinking Southern Comfort past their college years and women will continue to tipple peppermint schnapps if not into adulthood, at least someplace adulthood adjacent.
So protest, Barmaids and Beerhounds! Protest, i say! Go out and get your face so totally shat that you feel your essence rise high and higher from your body to the summit of the mountain of shit until the buzz stops and drops you all the way down into the deaths of despair with a hangover only suicide can cure. That’ll show those medical geeks that there is no cure for stupidity.
There’s just weird and then there’s this and by ‘this’ i mean Ke$ha: the girl you hate to love, and pray doesn’t become a role model to your teenage daughter.
The only thing that could make her any better would be if she’d been a Disney Baby Princess in a past life but even without that you still gotta like where this is goin’ and where this is goin’ is right in her mouth because not only does the chick like to get pissed in the UK sense meaning drunk, but she drinks it too.
A pic Ke$ha posted of herself peeing
She gave this interview with a British newspaper where she talked about how she’s been partying with her little brother and his tag for 2 years and doing shit like getting drunk at 6am and drinking her own pee. Which actually makes a lot of sense and is good for the environment because it’s recycling. She gets drunk, drinks her own pee and gets drunk on the booze in her pee.
Bar None Exclusive Interview with Ke$ha
i bet that Bronson Pelletier kid is bumming as he reads this because he’s realizing he could have recycled his buzz AND avoided arrest in the airport where he peed all over the floor in public.
There’ll be some solo shots of Ke$ha filling my drawers and you’ll wanna check that out all the way down there at the bottom of this post. You can’t miss it.
Once again i must play the part of the world’s conscience and believe me, nobody hates it more than you do, but i can’t sleep idly by when i witness such blatant prejudice against a group of people and yes, Barmaids and Beerhounds, i’m talking about drunk drivers.
Proof Bieber is a Lesbian
Never before has any group of individuals been as persecuted, prosecuted and vilified as drunk drivers. Some police officers even target drunk drivers and believe it or not, a few drunk drivers even spend years in prison!
Lil Twist (and if rappers chose anatomically correct handles, his would be “Lil Willy”) is best friends with another willy and by that i mean Justin Bieber and those two willies must be very hard to separate, they must stick together through thick and thin, they must stand tall as they come to face hardships because Bieber lets Willy drive his car no matter how many times Willy wrecks it.
There was that one time this “person” killed a paparazzi in Bieber’s car, and now he borrowed Lil Beeby’s toy sports car (it’s called a fucking “Karma” for fuck’s sake, which is only ½ step up from calling it a “Cartoon”) and drove it into cement protection poles at a…liquor store. Then they did what you and i would do in the same situation: they told all the witnesses it was Bieber’s car, threw the loose pieces in the back of a BMW and fled the scene. OK, they did what we would do if we were super rich and douches.
A real photo of where the accident should’ve taken place
This the kind of story i can get into. This cute young lady was taken all the way down because she got drunk and ran through her apartment complex in her panties. This is the hole truth and i don’t know how deep i need to get into this but i’ll go as deep as i can.
Michelle was a busy little beaver at her friend’s and went down in her underwear at 4:30am to snatch something from her car but couldn’t come again back into the apartment building because she was unable to find her way.
Bar None Artist’s Sketchy Memory
As Michelle isn’t a pussy, she tooted her own horn for 20 minutes to get her friend’s attention and when that didn’t work, she tried to open every apartment door on the 2nd floor and climaxed by setting off the fire alarm.
The neighbors wanted some piece so they called the cops; that’s when the arresting officer noticed that she was without pants. And appeared intoxicated.
Bar None Artist’s Misdirection
By the way, all this happened down under. Under where? Florida, of course.
Bar None Dregs
i was attacked by a Panda
At the end of January, a vicious Panda was set loose in the Bar None. He got in and gutted my blog, causing me to hemorrhage readers at an alarming rate. Currently, i’m trying to staunch the flow with my words and stimulate blood flow with the photos, but the losses are severe.
I’ll show you a picture of that but, be warned, it’s not for the faint of heart.
Guess what day the Panda SEO algorithm took effect.
Would i rather have the the readership i had before being Panda raped? Of course i would. What will this change? Unfortanately…nothing. i didn’t opoen the Bar None to be famous, that was only the cool part. i set up shop because i love to write about this kind of shit and i will continue to write this shit whether my readership is one or one million. i’m here for me, when it comes down to it, and i’m staying.
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey) Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
To all you mothers out there… a special Dregs dedicated to those special women in our lives that make each day easier, better and sweeter–and our mothers, too. i’d also like to take this opportunity to come, come, come out in support of Obama’s pro-gay marriage stance. i think my position on the issue should be pretty clear from the above collage / wallpaper. You know who’s joining me? Mariah Carey was Lesbian for an evening as well. Read on!
2012-05-13: Putting the ‘Mother’ Back in ‘Mother Fucker’
Rather than spew on and on about how much i love mothers, i thought it’d be a less fitting and more interesting tribute if i went through my a Top 10 Lips of…
10 Mothers In The Bar None
1. A good mother teaches her daughter a career
2. A smart mother teaches a career by example
3. A good mother keeps liquor out of her children’s reach
4. A proud mother takes frequent pictures of her children
5. A Fairly God Mother lives like Sleeping Beauty: Happily Ever After
6. A concerned mother provides air bags even on a bicycle
7. A protective mother looks out for her baby. And her dog. In the tub.
8. A thoughtful mother is always prepared
9. A loving mother stays by her child forever and ever. No matter what.
XXXX, an Australian beer, has made the brave decision of coming out of the closet in erecting an ivory tower of support for US President Obama’s backing stance behind gay marriages. While not officially stating this, their latest promotional event makes it clear that the fourth X in their Triple X is NOT a chromosome.
Their idea is to send four mates out on an island alone, with no women. You can “banter with your mates” on this “ultimate destination for mates’ trips away”, and as for the rest, well: “The sunny sky’s the limit.“
You’ve heard of LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation), but here’s LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey). Maria Carey celebrated gay marriage in her own way by going out (and in and out and in and out and in) to The Abbey in West Hollywood which everybody knows is a lesbian bar. Hairy Carey hung out until closing time and then went somewhere else to hang out. Let’s face it, she hangs out a lot, wherever she goes.
Studies by people who are a hell of a lot more serious and intelligent than i am prove that there is no risk for the baby on board if a pregnant mother knocks a few back. You think that’s rad? Check this out and you know i’m gonna quote it exactly because if i rephrase it you’d just think i’s stupid and not understanding:
Not only did boys whose mothers sipped on one or two drinks a week have a developmental edge, children of teetotalers performed almost as poorly on intelligence tests as children of binge drinkers.
Course you’ll tell me i didn’t get it wrong but maybe the mother who wrote the article did because you just know she’d spiked a slurpee with Monster and vodka while she was freelancing. Basically here’s the “bottom” line: if you didn’t put your bottom up the first time, it’s not too late to do it now.
This County Prison administrator (named Alfred Crivellaro–49) got the cops called on him because he was partying hard time, trying to get a little escape. When the police showed up in his yard, they found kids as young as 17 mingling in the general population of beer cans, wine and booze bottles. So yeah, he and his wife got busted and he’ll get his wrist slapped with all the severity the law can peter out. Seriously, it’s no big deal because the guy was just holding a graduation party for his high school daughter. They didn’t even post pictures online, the bastiches. At least i’m posting pictures of underage drinkers up top and this shot of Al Cuervo.
John Brady is the Mayor of Mankato, Minnesota and not even that was good enough to get him out of some mayor problems. John was drunk driving because there’ nothing else to do in Minnesota unless you’re the artist once known as Love Symbol and some cop chased him down after Johnny hit and ran over a parked vehicle. The cop pulls him over, sees an open bottle of vodka in the car and when he starts talking to John, thinks John was speaking a foreign language. Apparently the cop didn’t speak drunk, because John failed every field test they could throw up at him and then tested around 0.24% on the BAC, which puts him at 3 times over the legal limit and almost gets him the high record of the week (just like he almost won re-election last Tuesday but lost). My favorite part of this is he was sentenced to 60 days in the workhouse, and that would’ve made him the first politician ever to work except the sentence was stayed, which means John gets to stay lazy.
Even better than a drunk Mayor…. You’re at work, OK, and one of your coworkers, let’s call him Jeff Sprauer because that’s his name, arrives late by plowing into a curb and parking half on the sidewalk with a flat tire in the trunk he says he got when he hit another curb in a different town earlier. Oh yeah, and two citizens already called in about him before that. Oh yeah, he was driving a patrol car because, oh yeah, he’s a cop. Oh yeah, this was the second time because he was already fired from the police department in 2006 for the same thing. See, he was busted for drunk driving in 2006 but was reinstated in 2008 on the “you can’t prove I was drunk” defense, which i would like to try but would never be able to get away with because when i’m drunk the whole world knows it (and usually calls the sober police to complain), which is why i never drive period. Jeff Sprawler gets his old job back and goes about proving everyone was wrong because he pulls the same shit again, only this time in his cop car, during the day. You ‘member the guy from the last Dregs whose plea to the cops was “I know you’re drunk but what am I/ I know you’re drunk but what am I?” Looks like he’s not as wrong or as stupid as we thought.
You think that was bad, you oughta see how they, and by “they” i mean Chris Christinger, do it in Canada. Not only did this rookie Mountie drunk drive his police truck drunk (apparently the Police horse was on a bender) but he upped the ante way up north by sneaking an 18-year-old into the beer garden he took her to. Then, apparently afraid that not everyone in the great white north would appreciate his stupidity, he posted photos of all this mess on his Facebook page, eh. His bosses were mad at him they docked him ten days pay, which equals a quart of maple syrup, a case of Labatts and a Celine Dion Greatest Hits CD including “My Hard Will Grow On”.
Here’s a wallpaper collage of drunks on Facebook. They are not the photos that Chris-mass posted and i can’t find anywhere no matter how much i look.
Mary R. O’Neil, this 37-year-old woman in Vermont was arrested last March for drunk driving with 7, count ‘em 7, kids in the car. Swear to god, do they really expect us to drive seven kids around sober? Did i mention that she gets the record for the High BAC of the week, testing in at 0.379%, over 4 times the legal limit? For that, she gets to spend 15 days in jail (2 days per kid and one to grow on), which will be like a freaking vacation for her ’cause the kids ain’t coming.
They know how to party down under and i’m not talking about anal porn but Australia. Seems this 42-year-old (in Australia they’re too polite to tell you the names of the people who do this shit) got drunk and lost and walked into the wrong shower to sober up (thinking he was in his house). The owner of the house, a 35-year-old babe (because any lady under 45 in Australia is hot by law), called the cops when she heard a stranger passing the water in her shower. The police arrested the dude and everyone felt silly and laughed it off like the sitcom that is life in the Outback.
Bar None's Artist Hallucination of the Event
(Dedicated to Rodney at Fernby Films, who brought this to my attention, and who may wet himself sometime in the near future.)
Here’s one more thing to add to the mountain of things i don’t know. Russell Brand is on the wagon and that makes me admire him all the more. Course i don’t really know all that much about him anyway ‘cept he did a kick-ass job as the Rock Star in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, he’s got a killer sense of humor and a patter that won’t quit. Seems the brother had addiction problems (booze included else i wouldn’t be babbling on about him here) so he went dry and still stayed cool and even married Katy Perry, which is cool if you’re into her and apparently he is on a regular basis and that’s gotta be all good except when her breasts get in the way but you know me and don’t even get me started on how small boobs are way better. Here’s a picture of Russel Brand ’cause this is all about him.
Look closely, he's on her fingernails.
Oh yeah, i almost forgot why i was talking about him here. So he’s on the wagon but he’s remaking the movie Arthur which is about a rich playboy who drinks all the time and is in rabid lust with whoever the new Bo Derek is and don’t ask me to go looking that crap up because i just spent the better part of the evening doing Katy Perry and gotta spend at least some of these wee early morning hours writing. To get into character, Brand has chosen to sniff the booze because he doesn’t want to drink it and crash his wagon. Hats off, Russell and i’m sure the movie will be better for the effort and, more importantly, so will your life, brother. Speaking of, did i mention he’s married to Katy Perry?
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
There’s more single shots of her hanging out in my drawers down there.
Also, to kind of justify all this Katy Perry attention, guess what i found out during all the photo research i subjected myself to. Katy Perry drunk dialed everyone’s favorite teen kitten Taylor Swift (which i don’t think is fair because every time i pull that shit the cops have to get involved and the words “TRO” and “restraining order” are bandied about) last year. Seems the girls are friends (and this is where you start wishing Taylor had starred in Perry’s video for “I Kissed A Girl”) and so Katy was buzzed and called Tay at 3am hoping to leave a joke message but Taylor answered the phone when she heard it was Katy. When she clued in, Taylor apologized for ruining the joke and hung up so Katy could call back and leave the joke message. This is what the stars are doing when you and i are drunk and passed out on the bar stool, so’s ya know.
Speaking of stars who don’t drink dial me, there’s the case of Jessica Biel. She recently confessed in an interview that she likes to get hopped up on tequila or scotch (we got us one discerning babe here, peeps) and then drunk dial people. Does she get all messed up and twisted and start talking about how she wants to ride the white, black, roan or dappled pony? Not even. She just says “I love you guys” or “I’m calling to say ‘hey’.” My favorite part of the article was when she described what kind of drunk she was.
“I’m a very fun, giggly drunk,” she said. “I don’t get mean and I’m not one of those people you get worried about. I just get very dancey and silly and fun.
Sounds exactly like me. Up to the point i get belligerent and assholey. Once i get drunknoxious, you should worry about more than me and Jesica Biel. Here’s what she looks like right before she picks up the phone.
No collage here as i’m gonna be exposéing her ass and other assorted body parts very shortly when i review The Social Network. None of this, however, prevents me from posting solo shots of her in my drawers.
Bar None Dregs
Nov 4: A Dreg Rises Above It All
If you got some time, you should check out my Dregs of the Week from a year ago, Oct 12-18, 2009. A woman i wrote about stopped in to visit and to leave a comment. To which i decided to leave a novel. (Did you get you’re supposed to read the Comments Section, yo’s?) Hopefully, the story’s not over yet.
Nov 4: Previews of Coming Distractions
My brother from another mother, In The Same Boat, has graced me with a post detailing some fascinating points about drinking and not drinking. i should be posting this Manifestive over the weekend so stay tuned and be sure to comment and let him know what you think.
Nov 4: Thanks Wayne
i don’t mean to grovel but i do. A big hats off and bottoms up to Wayne Buchanan, who brought us the dregs again this week. His perseverance, dedication and un-canny ability to uncover the coolest of the dregs is truly perspiring. If you get a chance, pop over to his Facebook page to thank him. Or you could do it right here in the comments. Whatever works for you.
Looks like you picked the wrong day to come into the Bar None for a shot. This week, the dregs are packing a whole new way to be loaded in the bar, deep fried beer and, you know it, Oktoberfest. Do you feel me? Do you wanna? That’s not even mentioning the Celeb Dregs with the Bar Nun, underage Bristle Pain and Hayden Pantyhair at…you know it…Oktoberfest. Let’s kick this off with a song that’s #1 with a bullet.
You know how someone steals your drink in a bar and you wish you had a gun to shoot them in the face? Me too, so let’s go to Tennessee, Virginia, Arizona and Georgia (hey, birds of a feather get shot together) where, by law, we can get all kinds of shots. There is finally legislation that explicitly allows me to carry a sidearm into a public house, and just in time too, because i was all set to start bitching about how the USA isn’t enough like the Wild West. Or Somalia.
Gun people (and you just gotta love gun people, doncha?—especially because if you don’t they shoot you in the face) pressed lawmakers like a trigger to pass the law after the Supreme Court, who was apparently smashed out of their minds on Supreme Cognac the time, said that Americans have a right given to them by God and country not just to arm a militia but themselves as well in the defense of their home; which obviously includes bars because you just know the kind of people who fight for this kind of shit practically live in bars anyway.
But who am i to judge someone who wants to marry their cousin and play William Tell in a saloon down south? Let’s look at this objectively, k?
Here are the pros:
All right, and here are the cons:
Anyway, what’s sure is that i got more shots of guns and girls in my drawers, if you scroll down.
Because Texas is jealous that Tennessee always gets to look stupidest, some guy there invented deep fried beer. Apparently, he takes whatever passes for beer down there and puts it in a small pocket of pretzel dough and deep fries it. He says, “It tastes like you took a bite of hot pretzel dough and then took a drink of [oil saturated] beer.” Yeah, after a long hard day “wrangling” cattle (Texas talk for porking the livestock), what you really need to cool down is hot, flat beer soaked in grease.
A special shout out to my one and only Miss Demeanor who brought this bit of tid to my attention. Thanks, darlun.
i really don’t got nothin’ to say about this because, like an orgasm during a bowel movement, it’s already come and passed. Still, i’m always looking for opportunities to post pictures of hot girls drinking and this’ll do as good as any this week. Besides, i keep hoping if it keep posting this crap y’all eventually are gonna take up a collection to send me there one year.
Hayden Panettiere took her boobs to Munich to show them Oktoberfest. Her boobs look bigger and a lot of websites are saying the twins are recent add-ons but i’m not so sure. i mean, she’s no taller than a German beer stein, right? So where does all the beer go when she drinks it? i’m thinking it fills her boobs. Judge for yourselves…
Here’s the requisite collage and there’ll be shots of her overflowing my drawers at the the bottom of the post.
Remember that mini scandal you never heard about? Republican’t politician Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol Palin, is only 19-years old and got caught popping into Rumrunner’s Old Towne Bar and Grill in Alaska. But she didn’t drink, she went there for the nachos. Which is like saying i drink for social contact or read Greased Irish Midgets In Latex for the articles.
Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab. Blah blah blah. After last week’s revelation by InTheSameBoat, i’ve lost some motivation to dwell on our Bar Nun. She’s gonna hafta do something really spectacular to get back in my good graces. Or something really slutty. That’d work, too. Anyway, here’s a blurry picture of her in rehab from Egotastic.
Bar None Dregs
One Giant Step Towards World Domination
We’re kinda super famous! If you’ll remember, i posted an interview with Olga Fedori, the lovely actress from The Wolfman a while back. Well, guess what? Today i discovered Olga now has a Wiki page, which makes her officially (i think because i haven’t bothered to check the rest) my first interviewee to have a Wiki page. Check it out.
Did you see it? Didja? Look very closely at the “References” section. Who comes in just after “Dead Link”? Oh no, they didn’t. But, oh yes, they did go there! Pow. We here at the Bar None are becoming reference material. Didja see my name? My name in Wiki goes something like: Hall, Al K. Which makes absolutely no fuckin’ sense. But still, it’s a first step. Today, reference #2 just after “Dead Link” and tomorrow…maybe i’ll replace “Dead Link”. Dare to dream, babes.
Get Well (And Then In Another Accident)
On another, less personal note, i’d like to thank Juliette Lewis for getting in a car accident. The day after her car crash, the Bar None had it’s second “highest” day ever, coming in at exactly 2,996 page views, mostly for my review of Whip It. Thanks for coming by in drunk droves. And Juliette? Anytime you want to get hit and run, you know where to come, babe.
Where i’m At
For those of you guys who read about my new drinking rule and still care anyway, i’ve been sticking pretty regular to only drinking out of the house. 2-3 business lunches a week, the open bar office party on Friday’s, champagne at art gallery openings… i’ve only broken the rule once and it turned out badly because i drank a bottle of white at home and got mad at Miss D for some shit i should of talked to her about when i was sober but oh well, once in 3 weeks is a hell of a lot better than it was before. So the rule stands for the foreseeable future.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
No more wit. The wit is over. From now on the post is just pictures and completely witless.
Girls With Guns
But wait, don’t girls drink at Oktoberfest? Let’s see…
Some Drunk Mothers - Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
A bouncee stroking his croc? Drunk Floridian MILFs? Toddlers drunk on chocolates? Hot drunk chicks who you do NOT wanna be around. A Lohan plug, dumb & dumber, why Florida is hot… Yeah, i got yer dregs right here, buddy.
This song from the juiced-box has precious little to do with this weeks dregs, but is a kick-ass song… Scala and Kolacny Brothers – Creep (Radiohead cover)
[Press 'Play' for something tenuously connected to drinking: alcohol does make me feel like a Creep the day after.]
This is the one time “petting the croc” is not a euphemism for masturbation. A 36-year-old Australian drifter got tossed out of a Broome pub (like a Broome closet only bigger) and, while drifting around saw a crocodile he wanted to pet. So he climbed the fence to the crocodile zoo and sat down on the back of a 15-foot, 800 pound croc named “Fatso”. Fatso, being a crocodile, chomped the guy in the leg but, strangely enough, let the guy go. i’m thinking the croc could taste the beer in the dude’s blood but preferred Chablis with white meat.
[AlKHallism: Cheers to my brother Rodney over at Fernby Films. A Facebook friend and regular here at the Bar None, he's the one who brought this bit of tid to my attention.]
Speaking of stupid… Speaking of stupid… i should say everything in this part twice. i should say everything in this part twice except not even i am that annoying. Not as annoying, anyway as the two Cumbie bothers, Andrew (28) and Joseph (20) who did everything twice as well. Like at 1 a.m. they decided to go to a Chevron gas station and steal an 18-pack of beer while holding the attendant at bay with a hunting knife. Then, just because they’re double stupid, they decided to do the exact same thing again at 6:45 a.m. Pro’lly part of the reason they got busted was they could only drink 9 beers each in 6 hours, and that right there’s a crime. They were charged with 2 counts of robbery, 2 counts of aggravated assault, 2 counts of burglary and only 1 count of conspiracy, but i’m on the case to get that boosted up to 2 too to satisfy my compulsive need for balance.
Now we begin the hottie portion of our show. Chandra Reed, a 23-year-old babe from Arizona, got her drink on and her clothes off. My question is, was the nudity before, after or during the moment she attacked her boyfriend’s car with a dog collar? Then again, i’m not sure it matters because my mental image of that is already set in stone. The thing we know for sure is that when the cops came to bust her for going off on the car, she greeted them naked and holding a beer. Then she went off on them. Nope, no shots of that either. Alls i got on Chandra is before and after pics. The “before” pic is off to the side and is from her Myspace page. Here’s the after shot.
You are now entering the hot in Florida part of the post. There’s not much new here other than Jamie Baldiga, the 21-year-old reason Florida is always so hot, who got pulled over the other day and was busted for DUI. Once in the back of the police cruiser, she hurled expletives at the officer, slipped her cuffs, punched the officer’s seat, kicked the patrol car’s windows, pounded on the doors and the roof, before kicking the cop in the chest, twice, while he recuffed her. This is her third arrest in the past year.
Yes, i would like to party with Jamie but i’d hafta wimp out early before things got outta hand. Yes, i am gonna go out on the limb and risk posting pics of her here in the Bar None. Here’s what she looks like when not on the whup ass.
i really like how she's looking less and less bummed over time.
On the same freaking day as Candice, a naked 3-year-old was playing with a steak knife in front of his place. Neighbors called the police, who arrived to find the tot had taken off his own dirty diaper and left it near a pile of empty beer bottles.
The kid led the officers to a pig sty with the door partially opened. Apparently those mothers in Florida like to clean about as much as they enjoying taking care of their litter. Somewhere at the bottom of the mess, cops found another kid (3 months old) asleep in a playpen, and the above brunette, 23-year-old April Stern, also asleep. Seems she was sleeping off the previous night’s binge. i’m guessing the trip to jail for child endangerment didn’t do much for her hangover.
Yeah, we should all move to Florida but we should definitely stay away from the girls there. There must be something in the water that turns them psycho. Like scotch.
This one comes from Ken / Wayne Buchanan on my Facebook page. Thanks Ken! (If anyone else of y’all wants to be famous like Ken (and Rodney—remember Rodney?), please feel free to send me your stories.)
Tired of drunk moms? How about some drunk babes? As in toddlers. Here’s an ad by the Dentsu advertising agency for L’univers Du Chocolat to promote Whisky Chocolate. (Just the thought makes me throw up a little in my mouth.)
i’ll put the rest of the shots in my drawers. Just scroll down.
Eugene Todie was caught at customs trying to drive back into the U.S. with a fake passport and an ankle monitor. When the customs guy asked about the ankle monitor, Eugene showed his support for my cause by telling the officer a friend had given him the anklet and he was sporting the technology to FREE LINDSAY!!!. Unfortunately, he was lying. In real life he was a Buffalo man who’d been busted for contempt. So much for the FREE LINDSAY!!! defense.
This is a screen shot of my page reads from last Friday, July 16, 2010. Yes, fellow D.R.I.N.K.E.Rs and members of the D-Generation, i, Al K Hall, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson and tender bartender, broke through the 3,000 patronizer barrier! Thank you all, from the bottom of my bottle, for your help. i couldn’ta done it without you. Well, at least not without 3,001 of you.
Draggin’ the Dregs this week, we got a Candy Stripper, a Wolfe giving mouth-to-mouth to an opossum, outpatient treatment in a pub, Drinking While Intoxicated, and a guy who called 911 after getting stuck in a karaoké bar. i also got Mischa slippin’, Lindsay head over heels, Avril scarred for life and oh so much more.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to My Dirty Little Secret: Avril Lavigne – Unwanted (live)
[Press 'Play' for the closest Avril comes to rock.]
[AlKHallism: This week is dedicated to Avril Lavigne on my Facebook page. Robert, Liam, Ingar and Alexander, my newest friends, are enjoying the show. Friend me to be as exiled as the rest of us.]
March 28: The Perils of Gwendolyn Where was Gwendolyn Lowery when i was 15? Here’s another reason i’m pissed off at my parents for not raising me in a trailer park (moonshine and jailbait smokers being a couple of others). This 27-year-old in Virginia set up her mobile home with a stripper pole in the middle of the living room and invited the neighborhood boys (aged 12 – 19) over for lap dances, strip shows and VIP (Very Insignificant Penis) specials. Even better than the fact she had other back street walkers working for her is that she also served up booze to the runts. And some people be sayin’ that trailer trash don’t got no education. March 27: Gettin’ Some Opossum Y’all remember Punxsutawney Phil from Groundhog Day? Well, in Pennsylvania this week, we get his cousin, Punxsutawney Opossum. Donald Wolfe (55) was spotted at 3pm (real drinkers start real early) on the side of the freeway trying to give mouth to mouth to a dead opossum. The critter was deader than dead, though, ’cause not even Wolfe’s super alcoholized breath could bring the beast back from the dark side. The Trooper, who arrested Wolfe for public drunkenness, said it looked as though Wolfe was trying to perform a séance on the departed varmint.
Stole The Picture From Monsterburg.com--Click On The Photo For The Link
March 22: I.V.odka Let’s stay in Pennsylvania, it’s pretty comfortable here. Elbert Lewis Thompson (20), passed out in the back of a cop car after his arrest for drugs and weapons charges—police suspect he OD’ed on drugs he took to get rid of the evidence. The police dropped him off at the hospital until he felt better. His recovery was quick, though, and as short-lived as an opossum on the freeway. The Pittsburgh Police received a call from a bar that one of the patrons was in a hospital robe and still attached to an I.V. bottle. Elbert, it seems, escaped from the hospital and went to the nearest public house. “Fill it up,” i imagine he told the bartender, handing him the I.V. bottle. Anyway, the cops showed up and Elbert took off and had to be tased, twice, despite still being attached to the IV. i love a guy with priorities. March 30: A Drink To Drunk Driving Bringing an opossum back from the dead isn’t the only thing you should not do when cops catch you drunk driving. Douglas Macarthur (40) gives us a step by wobbly step lesson in what else not to do.
Cops pulled him over for weaving between lanes.
He twice refused to give the cops his license
because it had been suspended.
When the cops approached the car, one of his passengers poured him a Stolis vodka
into a cup he got off the floor, and
he drank it right in front of the deputy.
Just before being arrested, he tried to crawl under the front of the deputy’s cruiser.
He tried to bite the arresting deputy
while yelling insults at him.
He later scored 0.408% on the BAC, this week’s “high”
March 21: Sleep-Thru i like this guy because this sounds like something i coulda done. Eric Spevack, this 26-year-old Floridian, partied hard on St Pat’s Day and, after getting the munchies, decided an Irish treat was in order so went to McDonald’s. The night manager found him at 2am, asleep in his running car, parked in front of the speaker. When the cops turned off his engine, he Eric woke up and the cops, being crack investigators, noted he had bloodshot eyes, slurred speech and a wristband from a local Irish pub. He was arrested for DUI and scored a 0.163% on the BAC. Even better, it gives me a good excuse to exposé sleeping drunk girls.
Click On The Pic For A Wallpaper
There are some more shots of the sleeping beauties in the Dregs Of My Drawers, at the bottom of this post.
i like Todd Fitzwater. This is a guy i wanna go drinking with. Todd? Babe? You out there? Next time you come to Yeman, drinks are on you because there’s no way i could afford our mutual bar tab. See, Todd was drinking in Lexington KY (like the jelly) in Todd’s Karaoke Bar on a Wednesday night. Trust me, everyone does this in Lexington. It’s like a law. He woke up on Thursday, still in the bar, and all alone. So he did what the rest of us would do: he started drinking again. At about 4:30pm he was still all alone in the bar and so called 911 because he was too drunk to leave. Seems the owner, Todd Johnson, stayed in the bar with the brother until 7:30am, then bailed figuring Todd F would be able to let himself out later. He didn’t figure on Fitzwater being so drunk that the cops had to tap continuously on the door to entice Fitz to open up to them.
Thaylin Shawn Pierce couldn’t find anything better to do than copy a cat, Jason Botos, from last week’s Dregs. Thaylin “I Drink Because I Have A Girl’s Name” Pierce (49) went to court to plead “no contest” to his 11th (here’s a guy who’s really into reruns) DUI. “No contest” is right, Thaylin takes the cake hands down. Like last week’s dude, Thaylin wasn’t as sober as the judge when he showed up for the trial to throw up on the mercy of the court. OK, not literally, but he scored 0.093% and, so he could plead his ass off sober, he was sent behind the bars for the night and not in front of one.
Yuriy Solovyev, 46, started out like we all do. He got in a fight with his wife so decided to tie one on. Then he went to a place i have yet to boldly go when he took out a gun and tried to shoot the dog three times. One of the bullets went wild and tore through a neighbor’s window (hurting no one, not even the dog), but the third struck home and 86′ed the mutt. So Yuriy did what we all would, he went out to the backyard to bury the bad boy. But, once again, he decided to follow his own path for when police (alerted by the neighbor with a holy window) arrived to bust Yuriy, the found him passed out. In the back yard. Next to the dead dog. And a shovel.
You know how you know you’re in trouble? When the cops are worried about you. The police officers charged with protecting Linds from the paparazzi smears say that her behavior is getting more and more erratic and considered bringing her in on a 5150. Other than being a (pretty lame) Van Halen album, it’s also cop talk for “Involuntary Psychiatric Hold”.
i like Mischa Barton. Sure, i don’t like the drug use parts but any 24-year-old who’s mentally unstable, likes to party and desperately needs help is just my kind of waif in distress. Only problem is, she’s my type from a distance but i know me and i’d get fed up of the drama by about the third drink. For example, Saturday night she heads into the Bar Marmont (another bar ruing the day i took “The Bar None” before they could get to it) and runs right out to water the rock garden with the contents of her stomach. Classy lady that she is, she headed back in to finish up the night. Maybe she’s my kinda girl after all.
Here are some other slips of hers:
Click On the Pic To Make It Grow
There are tons of other shots, down below in my drawers…
Before we get into it, here’s a Kesha song from the juiced-box: Kesha – Tik Tok
[Press 'Play' to "Wake up in the morning like P Diddy" or "brush [your] teeth with a bottle of Jack”.]
P Diddy is pushin’ something called Ciroc Vodka. Like a good little sell-out, he went on stage at some club in New York and spat, “If you’re not drinking Circo, you’re drinking pee pee.” (“Pee” is the Diddy word for what we grownups call “piss”.) You know who didn’t appreciate this other than me? Some guy named Martin Silver who’s like this gadjillionaire owner of Georgi Vodka. Here’s what some of that looks like:
Anyway, Silver got pissed off and promised to send an entire toilet bowl full of vodka to the rapper unless Diddy apologizes. No word on Diddy-Squat’s response. Hell, if he doesn’t want it, he can always send it to Yeman; i’ll drink that crap out of the bowl, but i may have to mix it with some of my juice first.
You see what i see (other than a skank who, at 29, is already washed up)? Look on the left side of the picture, beside her right knee. Just sayin’. And if you need more (200) proof that Woods has been scraping the bottom of the whiskey barrel when he’s got the good stuff right at home, here’s one more shot.
Michael Fassbender, the dude who played Lt. Archie Hicox in Inglorious Basterds, can’t hold my liquor, which is my own personal insult i just invented for assholes who do asshole-y things when drunk. Story goes that Ass-Bender went on a bad bender in July 2009 at some film festival, passed out and woke up in a puddle of his own pee pee, to quote Pee Diddy. This pissed him off so much that he dumped his then girlfriend, the beautiful Sunawin Andrews, over a chair and broke her nose. So she dumped him—period. Couple weeks ago she made it official by taking a restraining order out on the dumb Assbender. (Yeah, i can pretty much keep repeating that joke all day.)
A titbit for y’all. Jennifer Aniston told People Magazine, “I indulge when I want to.” [Just so's you know, this quote is completely out of context; before it she uses dirty words like "eat really well" and "work out".] My favorite part of the interview was this:
You’re not taking away my coffee or my dairy or my glass of wine because I’d be devastated. My advice: just stop eating shit every day.
i’m willing to stop eating shit, but she didn’t say anything about not drinking shit every day. She just rose a stool in The Bar None. And speaking of self-indulgence…
Avril Lavigne and her pet garden gnome—wait, there’s gotta be a picture of it around here somewhere—
—are still having problems getting divorced. The Happy Couple, and her stranged husband, partied it up one Sunday night at the Bar Marmont (yep, the same place Mischa Barfed out of—now i see why she puked, she musta got too long a look at the baby troll). They left the club pretty trashed and decided to get tats. Avril looked like the hangover hit early.
Man, she’s gonna have the same case of regrets she came down with on the morning after her wedding.
There are some extra shots of her hiding out in my drawers, down below.
The Bar None Dregs
First, i wanna thank Liam from Middle Earth (apparently), Robert (from Norway, which is a lot closer to Yeman than most of y’all will ever come), not to mention Alexander and Ingar who rode Robert’s coattails, for friending me on Facebook. If you want your name read by at least 1600 people a day, all you have to do is click the link and friend me. i’m a Facebook slut, i’ll take anybody. [AlKHallism: A special shout out to Pocket Full Of Shells and Ken, two regulars who i had to ignore so i can remain anonymous enough to be myself. Thanks for asking, loves.]
Speaking of 1,600 page reads a day, i thought i’d share my stats with you patronizers as i’ve passed 200,000 page reads this week. As you can see in the following screen shot, February was pretty damn sucky but business picked up again in March. Thanks to each of you guys for taking the time to stop by, be it for the exposés, the Booze Revooze, the Dregs, the juiced-box or, and especially, if it was just to watch me sling a few drinks and chew on your ear awhile. Thanks for patronizing me, babes.
In other news, i’m a Star Reviewer (no, really, swear to god) for a movie website called 7Tavern. i’m so official i even get a badge, which is the web version of a cereal box fan club membership card. Check it out:
In honor of this holiday season, i’m here to share with you ten toasts that work for all seasons. There’s a toast below for every situation: serious, casual, outta hand; friendly, romantic, both; for your enemies and your family (and both)… Enjoy and here’s to hoping they come in handy for many beers to come.
1. May there not be enough room on your tombstone for all the life
2. A drink to the next round and the savior that buys it.
3. To saving the joy that’s drowning at the bottom of this glass.
4. To friends close enough to be family and family close enough to be friends.
5. A drink to sinners and saints and all those who ain’t.
6. To drunks, warriors and infants: may God worry about them most.
To The Drunks...
...And The Infants
7. A drink to stupid people for making us feel smarter than we are.
8. May tomorrow be a day better than today and may today be very, very good.
9. To nights that are worth living and times that beg forgiving.
Feeding on the bottom these last two weeks, i’ve come up with a lot of dregs. We got a drunk woman playing with her meat, Jewish beer, 120 proof that Aussies are lost, a guy who drunk dialed 9-1-1 47 times, why no one should ever be cut off, a politician’s guide to bedding drunk girls & virgins, a drunk Christmas parader horsing around, Amish DUI, and outer space beer. Plus some really crazy stuff (can you say ‘Estonian poetry’?)…
Before we dive into the dregs, here’s a song that goes out to Serbian President Boris Tadic, from the juiced-box:
In a surprise move, Serbian President Boris Tadic didn’t get totally split faced from Champagne. He admitted in a Belgrade court that he drank the French Toilet Water in a sporting stadium to celebrate the national soccer team’s victory over Romania in a World Cup Qualifying match. Hard to deny it when there’s a photo of you breaking the law on the front page Serbia Today (or whatever the hell their national paper is called). “Breaking the law” because Serbian law forbids the partaking of alcoholic beverages in sporting arenas. In his favor, Boris waived his right to immunity and agreed to pay the fine of $730. In his disfavor, Tadic said he didn’t even like champagne. Right, like there’s any kind of alcohol a Serb would turn down.
On that note, here’s something to drink to: Serbian Girls.
Robert C. Zettoch was arrested when police showed up at his house after a 911 call. Unfortunately, he wasn’t sick. He was, however, stinking drunk on vodka. Seems Zettoch had been drunk dialing 911 about twice a month since September 2008. The regularity of his calls make me wonder if he was also getting phone sex. Blue balls count as a sickness, right?
You thought Bad Santa from November 15th’s dregs was something? Well, Patti Lynn Moore (46), also of Tennessee, certainly rode on his red coattails. Ms Moore was full to the rim on Christmas cheer when she decided to take a nap on the horse she was riding in the Shelbyville Christmas parade. Spectators who witnessed the scene called 911 and 15 minutes later the cops found the woman still asleep on her mount outside a motel. i heard she was on top and her partner was hung like a horse. She was arrested on charges of public intoxication.
If you think that’s funny, check out the first comment on the page:
We seen the woman on the square during the parade. She was very intoxicated and looked like she was still drinking at the time. I’m glad that she was arrested anything could have happened not just to her but to all that was watching the parade. Why on earth would one be drinking this much by 6:00 pm this is crazy and in front of children she should be ashamed of her self.
i could’ve said it better myself, but it wouldn’t have been half as amusing.
If people parading their alcoholism is getting old hat, what about the drunken Amish? They may forgo electricity, they may shun our modern ways, they may even refuse to have their photos taken, but they apparently aren’t averse to pounding a few drinks. Elmer Stoltzfoos Fisher (22), was busted when he fell asleep in his buggy and his horse straddled the middle line, probably thinking it was coke. Police came across the slow moving buggy and pounded on the door until Elmer woke up. He blew 0.18% on the BAC; click here if you don’t know what that means. Bet you 5 bucks and a shot that Tipple-Me Elmer had to get his picture taken at the police station, Amish or not.
Leave it to a Brit to think you have to prepare a list on how to bed a drunk person. Here’s all you need to know about having sex with a drunk person:
Find a drunk person
Have sex with them
British Speaker (which is more official than a Talker, i’m guessing) John Bercow, wrote an article for a magazine in 1986 called “The John Bercow Guide To Understanding Women”. In it he includes 5 sections:
How To Pick Up Drunk Girls (Tell them, “‘If you’re free later, maybe we could go back to your place and name your breasts.’”)
How To Pick Up Virgins (“Lying is good; the truth is bad. There’s nothing more dangerous than a hysterical virgin.”)
How To Pick Up Refined Girls
How To Get Rid Of A Girl During Sex (Apparently the need for this arises when “she won’t make sounds like a squirrel no matter how much you pay her.”)
How To Get Rid Of Girls After Sex (We get two bits of advice here. 1) Say “‘Warning: Don’t move. I have just broken a test tube filled with the AIDS virus in bed.’” 2) Or, “‘I hate your tits.’”
Somehow i get the impression women bail on Bercow before he has the time to say anything.
As for drunks, i’m not convinced it’s difficult to bed one, but most of the time you wouldn’t want to anyway.
In New Zealand, a drunken bride stumbled away from her wedding reception and failed to show up at her honeymoon bed. (Looks like Bercow shoulda written another chapter: How To Get Your Newlywed Into The Sack.) Fearing abduction, emergency teams, including dogs and helicopters, were called and after a 4-hour search that cost several thousands of dollars, the woman was found passed out on the roadside, 15 meters in the bush. That’s a blushing bride.
In Australia, a man bailed on his travelling companion at 2am. He left their hotel and was spotted in a bar at 4am but disappeared after. Although he’d been in a bar, on Saturdays authorities launched a sea and land search. He finally showed up on Sunday afternoon in another bar, 7½ miles away. Someone needs to tell the Aussie police to chill like the beers the poor guy was pounding. He didn’t know there were search parties looking for him—he just didn’t want his companion to find him.
Anthony Gobbi (30) didn’t like being refused alcohol on a Saturday morning in the China Lion restaurant, in Lynn, Massachusetts. He didn’t like it so much that he came back with a loaded AK-47 and opened fire inside the place. i bet he was all like, “You cutting me off? Are you cutting me off? Why doncha say hello to my little friend…” Anyway, he musta been drunk to let loose with a machine gun and not even hit anyone.
A woman officers described as “intoxicated” was found pushing a shopping cart full of “meat and meat products” (and just what the hell is a “meat product” anyway, and how does it differ from “meat”?). She was charged with retail theft, even though she said she had taken the meat to give to her boyfriend who was currently in County lockup. Maybe the police woulda let her be if she’d only been stroking or beating it…
Seems like Jewish beer is getting more and more Israelis matzel-off. They make it with stuff like carob (yeah, like you know what that is), pomegranates, and spice it with rosemary and mint. There’s also one called “‘Trog Wit, made after Sukkot and using etrogs.” Is it me, or does this sound like Hobbit beer? Anyway, no big surprise that Israelis drink only 13 liters of beer per year on average (compared to 85 liters annually for Americans). Hell, i drink 13 liters of beer just to get out of bed in the morning, but then my brew is etrog-free.
Not to be outdone by their Jewish cousins, Japanese beer brewer, Sapporo, is selling 250 6-packs of beer at $110 a pop. Why so expensive? No, they don’t include school girl panties. What makes “Space Beer” so incredibly overpriced is that the barley used to brew the beer was cultivated by the Russians on their ISS space station. Drink this if you’re tired of seeing pink elephants and are looking for some little green men.
However, if the story is not drinking alcohol, it seems to be much more precise result:
condemned to go
“I can not wait when I am old enough that I could go to waste”
“because” no sign, however, the temporal sequence
Celebrity Dregs Tomorrow
This post included two weeks of dregs, took quite a bit of time and, what’s more, took a back burner to the preparation of my Gabrielle Chapin interview. Rather than adding to what’s already become a long post, i’ll throw up the Celebrity Dregs tomorrow.