Dregs of the Week: August 2011 [and what a long week it was]

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Oh. Yes. i. Did. Never let it be said i’ve never posted a collage of drunk girls and their stomach sneezes. The above technicolor burps are dedicated to Caleb Followill of the Kings of Leon, who is the celebrity bit that came up in this week’s dregs.

Floating around in there as well is the unnatural disaster Down Under that you’re no doubt tired of hearing talking heads spew on about and i’m not a journalist (but i play one on this blog) still, how can i not talk about the far reaching, universal implications of the Aussie forklift accident that cost the lives of $1,000,000’s worth of wine? Plus, there’s a skier on a slippery slope after undoing his fly while flying and flying on a plane to pee all over a child on the flight. Oh yes, i’ve come up with with all that and will cough up a lot more dirt in this week’s dregs.

Bar None's artist hallucination of Robert "Sandy" Vietze in a couple years

From the juiced-box and The Kings of Leon – Arizona.

[Press Play for “Said that I’m a fighter / Too drunk to remember / Too drunk to / Shake hands, my face / Standin’ on the pavement / Tastin’ something awful / I hate when that happens”]

Commoner Dregs

July 22: Dropping Off the Wine

Aussies at the Breaking Point

Everyone’s heard of plummeting wine sales but it takes an Aussie to think of this twist. Earlier this month (so early, in fact, that it took place late last month), a tragedy of monumental proportions struck the tiny drinking community of Adelaide, Australia when thousands were shattered in the prime of their lives, taken from us only never to be heard from again. The loss is truly devastating and i doubt the families of those affected will ever again be the same.

i’m talking about, of course, the defective forklift that dropped 462 cases of 2010 Mollydooker Velvet Glove shiraz. Forget for an instant that “defective forklift” is Australian for “drunk warehouse employee”, forget for one more instant that a case of wine holds 12 bottles which means that 5544 bottles of the 2010 vintage were snatched away in their youth, and forget even longer that, at 185 yankee dollar a pop, the total cost of the catastrophe culminates at $1,025,640.

No, now is not the time to concern ourselves with the pettiness of finance and bad Australian English. Now is the time when all of us—drinkers, drunks and alcoholics anonymous—must unite to mourn the tragic emptiness left by those bereaved bottles.

There's no such thing as a "Victimless Crime"

[AlKHallism: i’m here to officially deny that guest poster child, co-tender of the Bar None, and inhabitant of Australia, The Rod, did willfully and with malice destroy those many bottles of beverage to save me, Al K Hall, from drinking them. While the Rod is hot and a very stiff supporter of yours truly, he never drives forklifts while drunk.]

August 13: Urine Trouble

Bar None's artist hallucination of Sandy

Robert “Sandy” Vietze had a lot going for him. He has 18 years under his belt, ranks in the top 75 best skiers in the USA, and knows is better to be pissed off than on. Because of this, in addition to having 18 years under his belt, he also had 6 beers and 2 rum and cokes under there as well, is now a member of the elite 75 best skiers in the States not on the Olympic team, and not only had a lot going for him but had a lot going out of him as well.

See, Undo My Flyboy boarded a plane in Oregon and, underage star that he is, got off on the booze before he got on. He passed out in his seat and came to when he was standing up being thrown around by a guy. Turns out the guy was a dad who was pissed off that Sandy was peeing on his 11-year-old daughter’s leg.

As if that weren’t bad enough, the little girl that Kid-ney was marking his territory on was flying to see her grandmother for the first time since her dad’s discovery that he had cancer.

What happened after the shake? “He was intoxicated and was charged, as it’s against the law to pee on another person,” said a Port Authority spokeswoman.

Here's What This Pussy Really Needs

Celebrity Dregs

July 29: King of Leon Bows to the Throne

Kings of Leon Apologize to Fans

“If you’re drunk and you know it, clap your hands,” is not exactly what Kings of Leon’s Caleb Followill didn’t say to the throbbing crowd in Dallas, Texas but it would’ve worked just as well. Here’s what he really said.

For the record, I’m not drunk, just hot. I’m going to vomit and drink a beer.

Add this to your list of drinking excuses, if you (Follow)will.

Putting the “ass” back in Dallas, Caleb Follow-swill got drunk before a concert and then blamed it on the heat. He promised to come back after puking and drinking more but he didn’t, which meant his brother, Jared Follow-won’t, had to apologize.

Fucking hate Caleb, not us. I don’t know what to say. It’s not our fault. It’s Caleb. He can’t play the rest of the show.

Fortunately, the mob was asausaged (or whatever that word that means “calmed down” is) by free jerked meat and rumors of George Bush running for election again.

Time will tell if the Kings will reign over vomit, or if vomit will rain over them.

Bar None's artist deconstruction of a Kings of Leon Farewell Tour

Bar None Dregs

Looks like i’m back behind the bar again. Miss Demeanor and i had a wonderful vacation, thanks for asking and i’m telling you even if you didn’t. i stayed sober the whole time (bringing me up to over 7 months, for those of you who can count better than me) but more importantly, Miss D and i had a lovely Commitment Ceremony for my family before our official wedding next month. This was so unique, i’m gonna hafta give it a post all its own.

i’d like to give a shout out to Kevin in the UK, who is my latest e-mail subscriber. If you want your name to be read by about 3000 people a day, all you have to do is subscribe. It’s as easy as clicking that little button at the top right.

Finally, i’d like to thank The Rod once more for bravely manning the shit while i was on my hiatus (yes, that means “ass”). His professionalism is only exceeded by his talent and humor, so please be kind enough to leave him a tip, or a simple “Thank You”, in the comments below. And visit his blog.

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.