Tag Archives: drunk photos

April 22, 2012

Dregs of the Week: The Outskirts of April 22, 2012

By Al K Hall

Click on the Shot for Wallpaper Size

Turns out Lindsay Lohan, our resident Bar Nun, is quite the bruiser and if she isn’t that much of a bruiser she for sure is a bruisee, as the above collage will attest. She’s been up to her old tricks and no, i don’t mean selling her leathery manbag to men older than she looks, but hitting the clubs and raising hell again. So i got all kinds of good jokes about that and a commoner dreg from last year that i keep thinking about so much i gotta get it off my chesticles. Plus tons of Bar None dregs you’ll feel guilty about ignoring.

Here’s a tune not really from the juiced-box but a fitting plea from the voice of our veneration: Lindsay Lohan – My Innocence

[Press 'play' for Lindsay Lohan with that same old song and dance]

Commoner Dregs

December 7, 2011: Swimming with the Fishes

What’s the coolest way to commit suicide? Wrong. It’s death by piranha.

This 18-year-old Bolivian fisher kid got drunk and took his canoe to a part of the river he knew to be infested with the flesh eating fish and jumped in. Sure enough, the piranhas attacked him and he died from blood loss.

Kids, if i’ve said it once i’ve said it a thousand times: Don’t Drink and Dive.

Here are some safer alternatives:

Celebrity Dregs

The month of April: The First Rule of Night Club…

Wait a sec and enjoy the above poster before you read on. i made it myself because we’re all about the arts & craps here at the Bar None and if i told you how long i spent to get that mediocre result you’d laugh harder than you will at any of the following jokes. So just do me a favor and appreciate the picture so i get my appreciation’s worth, ok?

Onto the dirt.

The first rule of Night Club is to get in a fight with any random chick you happen to literally bump into there while you’re on parole and then let the press find out about it so they can tell everyone about Night Club. After that, the next rule of Night Club is to wait 2 weeks and go back to the exact same club and bump into someone’s car and call someone else for help…hmm…who should we call… i know! Let’s call our dad who has substance abuse problems all up in his anger issues. Picture that, Bone Man.

“Hi dad, the dude that was driving just got in a fender bender while I was the passenger, what should we do? Go in the club I just got into a fight inside the other night? Sure! You always have the best fucking ideas, dad. With guidance like this it’s amazing I turned out as fucked up as I am…”

Once inside the club, where they might not have even got drunk, some bitch started talking trash like i just did about how Lindsay was there with her dad and so Lindsay called the bitch on her shit so the bitch threw her drink on the Bar Nun.

i can’t help but think Lindsay was kinda asking for it, though, by going to a place called “Smoke and Mirrors”. With a name that lame you get what you stay for. Much better that she should hang out here, in the Bar None, where there’s absolutely no chance of her coming to fisticuffs with my patronizers and there no risk that the police will bust her anymore than she already is for her extracurricular sintertests.

Bar None Dregs

This week was a red letter day for me in The Bar None. Most of y’all don’t know because you never read this far but i opened the doors to this humble establishment on July 19, 2010 with a post called “Another Round in the Bar None“.

In August of 2010, i had a total of 39 hits for the entire month, averaging 1 little visitor a day. Yesterday alone, 5,039 of y’all stumbled in.

Last Monday, the 2 millionth patronizer passed out on these pages. i’m greatly grateful and humbly humbled that so many of you would chose this place, my place—nay, Our Place to come for your soft porn.

Speaking of not getting many hits on your blog, Saint Pauly posted another one of his trippy reviews over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

About these ads

4 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Uncategorized

May 15, 2011

Self Unemployed: Ghost of the Exploding Drunk

By Al K Hall

Press ‘Play’ for some appropriate tuneage: Black Label Society – 13 Years of Grief (from the killer album Skullage). Lyrics at the bottom of the post, yo.

Here’s the latest photo i’ve added to my Self Unemployed: Help Wanted page. i came across it on my way to work the other day and didn’t realize how brutal it truly was until i came back home and started playing with it. i’ve included a couple alternate versions as well.

Bar None Dregs

Just a little update on my sobriety. Since the Incident That Shall Not Be Named (the one where i got drunk, took massive amounts of pills to kill myself and spent 2 weeks in the hospital—but you didn’t hear it from me), i quit drinking and smoking. With cigarettes costing as much as they do now, i can’t afford to smoke and with drinking doing what it does to me, i can’t really afford to do that anymore either. May 11, 2011 was my 4 month sobriety day, s’what i’m saying.

In related news, i’ve changed the bio that pops up at the bottom of every post to reflect this new state of being me. i no longer refer to myself as “a functioning alcoholic (meaning i’ve held the same job for 17 years and have been living with Miss Demeanor for over a year now…)”, but have switched it to: “a non-practicing alcoholic (if after 30 years of practicing, you still can’t do something well, it’s best to just give it up)”. Plus, it’ll be 3 years come June for Miss D and i.

Thanks for still coming by even if i’m not cool anymore ’cause i don’t drink.

Just kidding, you and i both know i’m cooler than ever and i’ve got the goods to prove it.

“13 Years of Grief” by The Black Label Society off Skullage

Looking at the words, i think i musta confused the lyrics and thought he was saying “13 Years of Drinking”. Oh well, i’ll keep it here anyway because it’s still pretty fitting.

You’re so fuckin’ tough, so motherfuckin’ bad.
13 Years Of Grief, is all your folks ever had.
Just and ignorant cunt, talking such shit.
Tryin’ to act act like a man,
You little fuckin’ punk kid.
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Day of court, day of fear, in walks the judge.
Half a year, nothing less. No he wouldn’t budge.
Hand over your belongins, and your motherfuckin’ soul.
That’s the joy of life,
Six months in the hole.
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
(solo)
You wrecked your mother, yeah you beat her down.
Teachers can’t protect you, when your friends are ’round.
What’s so tough, so motherfuckin’ bad.
13 Years Of Grief, is all your folks ever had.
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Yeah! Son, look at you now

12 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, Alcohol Recovery, D.R.I.N.K.E.R., Functional Alcoholics Slurperson (FASe), Help Wanted (Photos)

April 19, 2011

In The Same Boat: Another Patron Saint

By Al K Hall

Photo links to where i stole it from

From the juiced-box and dedicated to ITSB: Jason Brown – We’re All In The Same Boat

In my rush to flush out last night’s dregs i did the undoable and neglected to give a hearty shout out to In the Same Boat. A regular commenter here and on other non/drinking blogs, Boat is the go to god for all that concerns recovery. In addition, he also was the first ever to guest post in the Bar None when he wrote the original Manifestive.

To give you an idea of just how invaluable his participation was, is, and will continue to be to the ambiance here in the Bar None, here’s a link he unearthed and posted in a recent comment: Alcohol Content – Cost Ratio and Alcohol Content – Fat ratio.

This link will let you get more buzz for the buck.

Rich or Poor?

This link will get you less butt for the buzz.

Fat or Skinny?

For the bottom line on what’s less fattening and cheapest…go Everclear.

ITSB, brother, sorry for my oversight yesterday, must be all that seeing double for so long. Here’s a near beer (but not Beck’s, too fattening) on the house.

6 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, D.R.I.N.K.E.R., Functional Alcoholics Slurperson (FASe), Humor

March 13, 2011

10 Drinks i’m Gonna Miss

By Al K Hall

My fellow alcoholics, D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s and members of the D Generation (Drinking Generation),

‘Tis i, your Temporal (as i will have to relinquish my crown shortly) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here with another Top 10 Lips.

As you probably suspect, after the troubles earlier this year i’ve stopped drinking. While this decision is obviously something i need to go over in this blog, i’m still looking for an angle to address it in and still keep the trademark Al K Hall what-passes-for-humor tramp stamp that festers all through my posts like a tattoo from a dirty needle.

[For those of you who actually do care what's up with my recovery, i've been unloading in fits and starts in the Comment's Section of a friend's blog: Bats' The She Chronicles. The two posts where i upchuck the most are here and here. And Bats, babe? i'm so sorry for linking here without asking first. If too many of my dregs spill over onto your lovely flophouse, just let me know and i'll bar the way (no, the other kind of bar, the bad kind, no the other bad kind, the one that's a verb.]

Here then are those booze moments Al K Hall Free will long for the most because these are

10 Drinks i’m Gonna Miss

1. Free mini bottles of wine on the airplane

2. The first bottle of 3.2 on a 3-day bender

3. Vodka during sex

4. The glass of wine that loosens my tongue, tightens my speech, and greases my wheels at parties

5. Mojitos made in front of me by the barman while i’m sitting in a seat where Hemingway once sat

6. Frozen daiquiris by the pitcher drunk through a straw

7. The beer in the bar i cling to for ballast sitting across from the beautiful babe

8. Pastis on the beach on the first day of summer

9. Amaretto Sours on the deck of the sailboat sliding over the lake at sunset

10. Every drink ever tasted, wasted, nipped, sipped, lost or found, bought in a round, swilled then refilled, gotten free, tasted like pee, drank or sank even with the stank, forgotten, rotten, drunk straight down out on the town, slurped, burped, gulped fast or nursed to last, cold, bold, new, brewed, swallowed or spit ’cause it tasted like shit, consumed, resumed, hopped, dropped, toasted, roasted, put away, tossed back, knocked down and thrown back up again, absorbed, abhorred, dissipated, anticipated, partaken (stirred or shaken), quaffed, sloshed, drained like rain, tippled, rippled, lapped, sapped, sopped, rocked, swigged and sucked until it fucked me up and laid me down right on the viscous altar of a Friday night


[Click here for my other Top 10 Lips]

9 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, D.R.I.N.K.E.R., Humor, Top 10 Lips

July 7, 2010

Dregs of the Week: June 22 – July 05, 2010 (Amongst Others)

By Al K Hall

My Drunken Prom Collage---For Jessica Halter

i had so much dregs backed up since the last dregs that i had to evacuate them all and start clean. i did make a couple exceptions for some exceptional dregs, but the rest are recent. This week we got Betty Crocked, an out of commission Liquor Commissioner, the dreaded last beer brawl, Donald Duck drunk, a DUI in a Barbie car and a drink recipe. Plus tons of other crap…

To kick things off i got some symbolic tuneage: Vanilla Ice – Ice Ice Baby

[Dedicated to Kelly Moss; press 'Play' for a throw-back before you throw-up]

Commoner Dregs

April 19: Booze Commissioner Takes His Job Very Seriously

Richard Simard, the soon to be ex-Liquor Commissioner of the whole freaking state of New Hampshire got busted last April for DWI. The governor got his panties in a wad over it but i’m just not seeing the problem here, yo. i mean, you want the Commissioner of Liquor to have an idea of what he’s Commissioning, right? Like what if he was the Police Commissioner—he should have some kind of knowledge of Police bidness, am i wrong? What the hell’s wrong with the world today when a poor slob gets the ax for doin’ his job too well…

April 20: Souped Up In A Souped Up Barbie Jeep

Bar None Artists' Impression

Seems Alkie Ken Doll wanted to get lucky but he didn’t have the balls, so he decided instead to get drunk on sherry from the Barbie Kitchen and then joyride in Malibu Barbie’s Sports Jeep…

Nah, just joshin’ ya. The true story is even funnier. This 40-year-old guy named Paul Hutton from Essex (which is on some island called England) got drunk and took the Barbie Jeep he’d pimped out for a spin. The cops saw him, waved him over and Paul didn’t want any of that so he tried to take them on a high speed chase except he couldn’t get up to any high speeds.

[AlKHallism: Special shout-out to Ken/Wayne Buchanan, a Bar None Regular and my friend on Facebook, for cluing me in on these first two dregs. Send me an idea and i'll make you famous, too.]

June 29: Donald Duck Drives Drunk

Staying with the kiddie theme, this 51-year-old dude whose name really is Donald Duck got arrested for drunk driving through a drive-through in some Little Cesar’s in Ohio. C’mon, like there’s anybody sober anywhere in Ohio on any given Saturday night.  Especially in a Little Cesar’s. Hell, the van he hit was pro’lly being driven by another drunk driver. i mean, c’mon, this was Uncle Donald’s 4th DUI and even the cop was funnier than me when he said Duck was a “frequent flyer”. OK, sure, it was probably a bad idea to drop the bag of weed on the ground when the cops where taking him out of his car, but still…

May 17: Seen-yer Prom?

Staying with the kiddie theme and Ohio on a Saturday night:

Remember how you went to prom and drank too much peppermint schnapps in the limo? ‘Cause Jessica Halter doesn’t. You thought your prom date was bad, it coulda been a lot worse. This 18-year-old chick from Ohio went to her Senior prom totally wasted and when administrators and an policeman confronted her, she said “This is my fucking prom. This is bullshit. You are fucking bitches, I’m not drunk.” Then she tried to swing a chair at the cops, missed and started banging her own head against the chair until she bled profusely. When the officer tried to cuff her, she screamed and kicked, then decided to go completely limp and as she was being carried out of Deluca’s Catering Hall (the height of chic in Ohio) she hocked a huge, bloody loogie (this is high school, after all) on the cop. Jessica Halter: Failed Senior Classy.

June 18: Caught Playing With Her ‘Coon

Leah Osborne is this 27-year-old Okie who was driving drunk when she saw this raccoon on the side of the road. Friend to all hitchhiking rodents, Leah pulled over to give the little bugger a lift but, smarter than your average Osborne, the beast refused to get in the car with a stranger who had an open bottle of vodka in the front seat. Cops found her on her knees, trying to coax the ‘coon out from underneath the vehicle and tested her at this week’s BAC record: .37%.

June 22: The Last Beer Brawl

You know what’s even more amazing than the charm this woman oozes all over your shoes? That she has a boyfriend? Nope, not even. What is truly incredible about 41-year-old Elizabeth Breeden is that, instead of getting down on all fours and thanking whatever god was generous to provide her with a man-beast confused enough to dip his wick in her dried up well, she kicked his ass for drinking the last Natty Light.

‘Parently they’d been drinking and she got pissed off when she realized he was sipping on the last Natty Light so she asked him for it and when he refused, she tried to grab it but when the can tore in half (they don’t make Natty Light cans like they used to) she slapped him and kicked him in the groin. Cops came and carried her away to the pokey, which is the closest to anything else even resembling “pokey” Lizzie’s likely to see for a very very long time.

June 30: Drunk Buys 7,000,000 Kegs On Binge

The only problem with Steven Perkins’ purchase was that he’s a futures trader and bought 7 million barrels of oil, not beer. He’d been binging for a couple days when he made the deal then lied to cover it up. His ass got fined $137,000 (that’s one fined ass) and banned (now he’s a banned ass) from trading for 5 years.

July 5: Betty Crocked Gets Baked

Kelly Moss, this sweet faced 48-year-old from Tennessee is smiling for a variety of reasons, not the least of which she’s 48, in Tennessee and still has her teeth. Also, she’s had a lot of practice in this pose because she’s scored her 3rd arrest for DUI. But the real and true reason she’s smiling is because she’s drunk. She was found practically passed out in her car in a middle school parking lot, too wasted to perform a field sobriety test and refusing every other kind of test they wanted to throw at her.

The real and true reason i’m smiling is because of Kelly’s cooking lesson. See, when the police pulled Kelly from her car, they smelled vanilla. Like the ice cream! Further research showed me that authentic vanilla extract can be 35% alcohol and age like fine whiskey. That’s freaking 70 proof! Who knew!? Kelly did, because she was comatose on just 16 ounces. Now that Vanilla Ice intro up top is starting to make sense, i bet.

Bar None Dregs

Vanilla Ice

You know how Beethoven composed a lot of crap when he was all deaf and stuff and everyone thinks he’s a genius because of it? Well, get ready to do your best “Welcome Genius Dance” for me because i, Al K Hall, have just invented a new cocktail while on the wagon!

In honor of Ms Moss, i give you…

The Vanilla Ice

In-greed-need-its

  • Rum
  • Coke
  • Double-fold Vanilla extract (35% alcohol)
  • Lime wedgie
  • Stir stick thingy
  • A tall glass
  • Ice

Instructions

  1. Pour 2 fingers of rum into the tall glass
  2. Fill the glass with the coke almost to the top but leave enough room to…
  3. Add four ice cubes and
  4. 1/2 teaspoon (only) of the vanilla extract
  5. Mix it up with the stirry stick thingy
  6. Wedge the lime wedgie on the rim of the glass

Bartender’s Note:

i have not been able to try this drink, people! i’m still on the wagon, ‘member. Still writing sober and dry spelling so i’m not able to test this new concoction i’ve just created. Which is why i need you! If any of y’all are brave enough to give this puppy a shot, please please please take a picture and let me know what you think of it! C’mon, after all i’ve done for you…

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

14 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, Booze Nooze, Dregs of the Week, Humor

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