Oktoberfest Girls Kissing Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Time once again for that yearly event that is the closest the Germans will ever get to Christmas: Octoberfest. All the party hounds can now migrate Over the Wine and mark their territory there. They’ll trash Frankfurt, Hamburg and Cologne which, ironically enough, is also what will come up when they puke.
To celebrate the closing ceremony of this to Hell and Bacchanalia, i’m posting a quiz for you to determine if you are Octoberfest drunk or not.
The first question is, “Why are all the women in Octoberfest Wallpaper above kissing each other?”
Here’s a hint for you, brought to you by Buck Cherry.
The photographic answer to the question is coming, kind of, but until then here’s the rest of test to determine if you are just American Buzzed or Oktoberfest Bested.
What’s Wrong With the Pictures?
Before i give you the answers to that test, here’s the reason the Frauleins are kissing each other:
And now the answers to the Quiz:
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey) Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
To all you mothers out there… a special Dregs dedicated to those special women in our lives that make each day easier, better and sweeter–and our mothers, too. i’d also like to take this opportunity to come, come, come out in support of Obama’s pro-gay marriage stance. i think my position on the issue should be pretty clear from the above collage / wallpaper. You know who’s joining me? Mariah Carey was Lesbian for an evening as well. Read on!
2012-05-13: Putting the ‘Mother’ Back in ‘Mother Fucker’
Rather than spew on and on about how much i love mothers, i thought it’d be a less fitting and more interesting tribute if i went through my a Top 10 Lips of…
10 Mothers In The Bar None
1. A good mother teaches her daughter a career
2. A smart mother teaches a career by example
3. A good mother keeps liquor out of her children’s reach
4. A proud mother takes frequent pictures of her children
5. A Fairly God Mother lives like Sleeping Beauty: Happily Ever After
6. A concerned mother provides air bags even on a bicycle
7. A protective mother looks out for her baby. And her dog. In the tub.
8. A thoughtful mother is always prepared
9. A loving mother stays by her child forever and ever. No matter what.
XXXX, an Australian beer, has made the brave decision of coming out of the closet in erecting an ivory tower of support for US President Obama’s backing stance behind gay marriages. While not officially stating this, their latest promotional event makes it clear that the fourth X in their Triple X is NOT a chromosome.
Their idea is to send four mates out on an island alone, with no women. You can “banter with your mates” on this “ultimate destination for mates’ trips away”, and as for the rest, well: “The sunny sky’s the limit.“
You’ve heard of LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation), but here’s LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey). Maria Carey celebrated gay marriage in her own way by going out (and in and out and in and out and in) to The Abbey in West Hollywood which everybody knows is a lesbian bar. Hairy Carey hung out until closing time and then went somewhere else to hang out. Let’s face it, she hangs out a lot, wherever she goes.
Stupid is as stupid drinks. Kids all over the nation, if you believe the hype, have now turned to hand sanitizer as a way to catch a buzz. Here’s the dirt: Hand Sand contains up to 70% alcohol, which makes it 140 proof, stronger than almost every alcoholic drink on the market plus you can buy it in Wall-Shart without an ID. Apparently 6 Los Angeles youths were desperate enough to get hospitalized drinking this, so now the press is talking about an epidemic. Personally, just last week i saw a gang of toddlers using bad language to goad their moms into washing their mouths out with soap. Seriously, whatever happened to the good old days when kids would sniff glue and jam vodka soaked tampons up their asses?
You wanna know what really concerns me? Here’s the real problem with his scourge:
Anyway, Meredith from “The Office” was onto this shit way before LA teens.
Thanks to my brother from another brother, Wayne, who posted this on my Facebook wall.
Here’s an idea i can’t believe is catching on… Some Fremerican scientist has invented (that’s his American side) a stylish bottle (his French half) of pseudo booze that will get you drunk immediately. Sounds good, right? Read the small print, Barmaids and Beerhounds, it’ll last for 2 fucking seconds and costs $26 a pop. Since when did the world become interested in paying more for a lot less? Their fucking slogan should be, “It’s over fast, but at least it’s over priced.”
WA|HH Quantum Sensations: It’s Over Fast, But At Least It’s Over Priced
It’s a lot of fun but lasts under a minute? Shit, my sex life is like that, my binges might as well be, too.
i thought the only thing that could be harder to believe than the fact that Steve O and Elisabetta Canalis broke up was the fact they were going out to begin with. But i was wrong. The crazy part to this story is that he broke up with her.
Take a second to digest this.
broke up with this girl…
But that’s not even the whole story. You know why he broke up with her? Pour yourself a drink because you’re gonna need one.
He broke up with her because she parties too hard and he’s afraid for his sobriety. We’re talking Steve O a guy who became famous for being a Jackass, for chrissake. That guy places his sobriety above George Clooney’s drunk lingerie soft porn top model ex girlfriend. i only got one thing to say to that.
Seriously, i’ve been sober for 15 months and my life is so much better now than it was a year and a half ago that my biggest fear is losing all i’ve since gained. But even me and my gratitude would be hard pressed if some 20 something party girl (or, hotter still, Mrs D) wanted me to party with them all the time. Would i have the balls to make the right choice?
Alls i can say i’m glad i’m butt ugly enough my sobriety will never be put to that kind of test. Alls else i can say is that the freakiest thing that’s happened to me in a long time is i have a deep, deep respect for Steve O.
Steve O, brother, i got some shots of Elisabetta in my drawers that’ll take the edge off your hug addiction withdrawal.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to ITSB: Jason Brown – We’re All In The Same Boat
In my rush to flush out last night’s dregs i did the undoable and neglected to give a hearty shout out to In the Same Boat. A regular commenter here and on other non/drinking blogs, Boat is the go to god for all that concerns recovery. In addition, he also was the first ever to guest post in the Bar None when he wrote the original Manifestive.
Bring out your dregs. Bring out your dregs, to misquote Monty Python and The Holy Grail. ‘Cause i got two weeks of dregs overflowing thanks to some awesome participation from the regulars here in the bar. Like we got political tequila, Palestinian Oktoberfest, one big apse Church, and
From the juiced-box and the #1 country album of the week: Kenny Chesney – Hemingway’s Whiskey
How many times have you been wandering around Palestine and wanted to get your drink on but you can’t because that’s one dry ass desert. Guess what, next time you decide to hang out in the Middle East and wander around the heart of Muslim country, make sure you stop by Taybeh. This rocking town of 2000 souls did what any other Christian outpost in the middle of Mohammed-land would do: open a brewery. From there, the next logical step is to…? Anyone? Anyone? Celebrate Oktoberfest. Maybe not as big or sexy as the one in Munich but i bet it’s a lot easier to get a hotel room and a drink.
Don’t you hate it when you’re taking a leisurely drive in the park, careening off posts and tearing up the botanical gardens when the public comes along and takes your keys!? And you were even staying on the footpath and everything for chrissakes, which in itself is a kind of miracle considering this 50-year-old woman had a BAC of 0.19%.
Here’s the problem with citizens’ arrests. William Valdiviez was passed out all safe and sound in his Chevy Avalanche (?—there’s really a car called an “Avalanche”? Does this name really install confidence?) with the engine running and reverse lights on. So this loser approaches the vehicle and knocks on the window, so Save Willy takes off. And crashes into 2 parked cars. So the police come and here’s a new strategy for the next time the cops catch you drunk driving. Refuse every test they try to throw at you and continue to insist that the arresting officer is the one who’s drunk. Still, if the “concerned citizen” had let the guy sleep it off…
So maybe you don’t feel comfortable telling the cop you’re not the one who’s drunk, he is. i can understand that. Try this…next time you decide to wear your favorite drinking shirt—you know the one i mean, the one that says “I Have A Drinking Problem” on it—and get so drunk that you crash into a neighbor’s house, do me a favor and do exactly what James Johnson (50) did ’cause i sure could use the laugh. When the cops ask “Have you been drinking?” as you stagger around the yard of the people’s whose house you smashed into tell them, “My brother has been drinking.” i fucking love this excuse and i don’t even have a brother. Next time i’m in the shit and someone says, “Did you steal that bottle of Jack and rape that farm animal in the heavy petting zoo in front of all those third graders on a field trip?” my retaliation will be, “No, my brother stole the whiskey and screwed the goat in front of all those kids.” After that, it’s almost anti-climatic to say that Johnson blamed the accident on the dogs running around in the back of his truck, which didn’t even exist. Like my brother.
This guy called Troy Kaczor (40 years young) lives in this place called Wausau in a state called Wisconsin. He got super drunk and saw a one-legged goose that he decided be wanted to have over for dinner. Literally. So took off his shirt and chased the goose into the Wisconsin river, where the cold water incapacitated him so the firemen had to come and save his ass so the police could arrest him on an outstanding warrant. Anyway, all this is good enough for me to post a picture of hotties drinking grey goose.
You see that collage up there at the top of the Dregs this week? You know who else wants those hotties other than us? Republicans. Cali republicans. Republicans want some of that action so bad they’re drinking tequila shots wherever they go to impress the Eses. The sick shit behind this is that it’s two re-pubican women doing this nasty. The theory is that they think only drunk Hispanics would vote for their ugly asses so they’re taking the first shot to show the rest of the state how it’s done. When you see their pictures, their theory doesn’t look so stupid.
In case you don't know who Charlotte "One Big Ass" Church is--Click for wallpaper
[Press 'Play' for something that'd probably make me cry if i'd been drinking more.]
There’s this English opera singer who’s name is Charlotte “One Big Ass” Church and she’s 24 and has been singing since she was born. Apparently she’s not all that special though because she gets drunk and sings karaoke badly just like you do. This is apparently news because she said it to a journalist and you didn’t because if you said it to a journalist then it’d be news, too. Here’s what she looks like when she’s drunk.
Charlotte Chruch in the Bar None -- Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
There’ll be more of that big apse down in my drawers.
So this woman who has the weirdest job ever, professional cleavage, got into a bar fight in some New York City dinner club. Seems she was just there hanging out, like literally, and some guy comes up to her and wants to have a picture taken with her, to which she graciously replies, “Sure, whatever.” So then the guy’s GF (Goofy Freak) throws her drink on the professional cleavage which looked like a river of liquor flowing through a valley between two fake mountains.
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
Check out my drawers for professional cleavage shots.
Bar None Dregs
Oct 23: World Record
Just to let y’all know yesterday was a red letter day here in the Bar None. If it seemed a little crowded in here, it’s because we served over 4,000 people, most of whom came in here (and i had to clean it up) to hang out with Featherston. Everyone’s welcome, even the one-handed stragglers indulged in normal activity.
This affluence of patronizers pushed me up and over the 500,000 mark. Yes, thanks to all of you, especially you because you’re actually reading this shit, more than half a million people have found their way in here. Gold bless you and all who sail on you, my brothers and especially the chicks who aren’t my sisters.
Oct 24: Wayne Buchanan Shout Out
Special thanks to Wayne Buchanan who sent me far more links than i could ever get to this week. i asked him for some help and he helped me all over the place. Unfortunately, i got so much life goin’ on i wasn’t able to get to all the stories he collected (and there’s still another set i haven’t even looked at) and so i don’t get too much of a backlog i’m gonna hafta cut my losses and post what i got right here and screw the rest. Hey, if any y’all got more time than me, let me know and i’ll set it up so you can help out with the dregs. Yes, it has gotten that busy.
Anyway, thanks Ken, my Brother, for the help and i’ll get started digesting the next batch tomorrow.
Hey there fellow D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) and members of the D-Generation. ‘Tis i, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here with another Top 10 Lips.
As you regulars here in the Bar None know, i’ve been on the wagon for somethin’ like two weeks now and not only is this newfound sobriety scary as hell (how do normal people do sober!?), it’s also shattered my beer bottle glasses and revealed reality as it really is: Some scary shitzu.
In this alternate reality, i have seen that which no drunk should ever have to see. i have seen what we drinkers look like drunk and if that’s not enough to make you wanna curl up in a fetal ball, whine out for mommy and weep blood profusely from both eyes then you’re still as drunk as i need to be.
Needless to say i can’t keep these frightening scenes unseen i have seen to myself, so i’m here to dump them on you. These, then, are the:
10 Ways i Know You’re Drunk
1. You insist you’re not. A lot. Loudly. Until you pass out on the bathroom floor.
2. You take off your pants—to puke.
3. You’re not a woman and that’s not your period.
4. You can’t find the barstool you’re sitting on.
5. That’s not my hand you’re shaking.
6. You’re arguing with me because i’m agreeing with you.
7. You refuse to leave a moving vehicle but you’re lying on a bed.
8. You’re convinced “pizza yogurt” is the best idea you’ve ever had.
9. [For him] There’s fur in your zipper and the dog is limping.
Some Scary Shitzu
10. [For her] You hung out with his ugly friend to meet the cute guy, but it’s late, you’re drunk, and settling for the friend seems like a good idea.
November 11, 2007. 12:30am in the affluent Parisian suburb of St-Germain-en-Laye. 28-year-old Jessica Davies wakes up when the emergency response team enters her apartment. The ex-catalog model is on the bed, naked beneath a blood soaked green and white bathrobe with her cell phone in one hand and the other on the gushing wound in the neck of the man she is cradling in her lap.
The first thing she remembers saying is, “I did it. I’m a monster.”
The Bar They Met At
The last things she remembers are
going on a drinking binge the day before and finishing up at O’Sullivans, an Irish pub 5 minutes from her apartment
meeting Olivier ‘Funtime’ Mungier, 24, an unemployed graduate
telling dirty jokes
drinking until last call
telling him that she hadn’t gotten laid in a long time
She asked if he had condoms, they went back to her place. She opened a bottle of white wine with a kitchen knife, he smoked a joint. She remembers “he was too drunk to go through with it, he went too fast and I reassured him. I told him ‘Calm down’.” The last thing she remembers is her one night stand taking off his condom.
The Murder Site
She blacked out after that. Blacked out while she stabbed him twice with the same knife she cut herself with regularly and used to try and kill herself two months before when she sliced her wrists down to the tendons and stabbed herself repeatedly in her thighs and lower legs. Her wounds required 27 stitches. Mungier’s injuries were more serious, the fatal thrust hit his spine.
How could she not remember this?
“It’s strange to feel so guilty and yet not to know what happened. The remorse is there, the distress is there, but you cannot make sense of it. It’s terrible because I’m not the only one needing answers. I have never tried to deny it. I am sincere in my answers and lack of answers.”
Jessica described a previous black out in 2004, after her first suicide attempt. “I was at home, I’d run a bath. Then I blacked out, and afterwards I found my arms and thighs slashed.”
Seriously, how can someone not know what they’ve done from one minute to the next? How can someone wake up and not have even some vague, fuzzy memories of the night before but instead a black hole where hours of their lives disappeared?
The answer is simple. i’ll give you three guesses but you’ll only need one.
Jessica Davies, daughter of a French mother and English father (her uncle is an MP in England), started drinking at 13 years old and fell into an alcohol induced coma at 15. Her mother said her daughter “didn’t know when to stop drinking.”
By the time she was in University, she was drinking “six days out of seven”. ”I was told I drank like a man. I was proud,” she said. “I felt powerful. I could be in a bubble and eliminate the outside world.”
Laurent Couturier was her boyfriend between 2005 and July 2007. About their time together he says, “When Jessica drank, she had no limits any more. She could drink very large amounts, much more than I could … in that period she knew she shouldn’t drink any more alcohol because of the medical treatment she was under. [She was on anti-depressants up until, and including, the night of the murder.] She would drink pints of Guinness and whisky chasers, or sometimes Smirnoff vodka, until she could not stand up by herself.”
After her breakup with Couturier, Jessica began binging with friends on a regular basis. The day of the murder, she went on a bender with friends in different local cafés before ending up at O’Sullivans. She closed the bar after many pints and shots, as well as four different types of anti-depressants, and admitted to being “horrifically drunk” and feeling that she was “going to do something stupid.”
After killing ‘Funtime’, she made the slurred emergency call. She clocked in at 0.22 on the BAC scale, could barely stand up and was so “paralytically drunk” (police officers’ words) that she had to be questioned the next day.
Dr Al and Mr K Hall
Booze may be the reason she killed Olivier but it isn’t the reason she doesn’t remember the act. Switching is. See, what happened was she got so drunk that she shifted from one personality into another. Asking her to remember what the other personality did while drunk is like asking her to remember what a complete stranger was doing miles away.
i know this because it happens to me.
i have woken up after a binge not knowing how i got there. Drinking buddies tell me about conversations i don’t remember having. i have been banned from bars for life and have no idea why.
Because when i get very, very drunk i become someone else. Literally. Fortunately, this person is not violent or suicidal (psychologists who analyzed Davies said her murder was a form of suicide) but he is angry. In my day-to-day i suppress any kind of angry feelings because i’m not so hot on public displays of emotion, but then these things get bottled up. Drinking is a way for me to uncork that bottle and become someone else. Someone who isn’t afraid to be emotional.
Jessica Davies did the exact same thing. She became another person. Unfortunately, it’s Jessica Davies who has to do the time.
On January 12, 2010, Jessica (now 30) was sentenced to 15 years in prison combined with 10 years of probation, including psychological support.
Let me leave you with this final thought: her comments about alcohol during her trial. ”What I did terrifies me… I can guarantee that I will never again touch a drop of alcohol.”