Tag Archives: DUI

October 17, 2011

Dregs of the Week: September 26 – October 13 (and the rest)

By Al K Hall

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Dear god hurry up and help me the dregs are rising faster than i can write. Like asthma inhaler robbers, a chick dwarf tossing her 4-year-old, baby shoplifters, grandma and the scarecrow, fake boobs, real boobs (and real breasts too), the hits, the runs, the drips, the errors, the tunes and all the dregs you can handle plus a lot more.

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to the dregs sinking lower and lower this week: Kottonmouth Kings presents Johnny Richter – At It Again

[Please press 'Play' for the only rap song that goes, "No, you can't stop this, it's already started / You can't pull the smell back after somebody farted."]

Commoner Dregs

September 29: Another Use for 2-Year-Olds

Benjamin Sims & Danielle Howey (the woman is on the right)

If you’re gonna try out something smart, don’t do it in Indiana, they just may put you in jail for it. Case in point, Danielle Howey (26) and Benjamin Sims (27) went to a Southbend Meijer’s with a 2-year-old they were babysitting. What can you do with a 2-year-old? Nothing right? Try thinking outside the box of wine, like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer. They turned a boring shopping trip into an educational experience by using the baby’s covers as cover for the 10 bottles of alcohol  they were shoplifting. How do you want to bust a couple who are trying to teach a kid about aiding and a-bedding?

September 29: This Tosser is a Real Mother

Nikki Settle decided the third time was the charm after her first two attempts to drive drunk ended in failure, or at least arrests. And successful she was, if your definition of success includes swerving back and forth between lanes on the highway before crashing into one of those wire fence things that separates lanes on the highway.

She grabbed her 4-year-old from the car and carried him across the oncoming traffic to a 10-foot roadside fence. To make her escape, she tried to hurl the little boy over the top. Repeatedly. Because she could not chuck him up high enough.

Eventually, some of the audience decided to intervene and convince her to step away from the child and wait for the cops to help her get help going to jail.

September 29: Canadian Missed

Imagine you’re a cop somewhere like Chesterton, Indiana, and you get a call about a drunk driver on a golf cart so you investigate and at a convenience store you see a grandma in the parking lot with a golf cart, a scarecrow and a fifth of Canadian Mist.

How many drinks have you had, ma’am?

A couple.

How many is that?

Around ten.

Yeah, that’d be trippy.

Bar None Artist's Hallucination

October 2: One Hell of a Catch

Drunken Russian fisherman (which is like saying “cat pussy kitten” or “gay cocksucking Bieber”) got the surprise catch of their lives when they were trawling in a sea with no vowels and the biggest fish ever surfaced right in front of them. The huge whale tried to signal them away, but they weren’t drunk enough to fall for that old trick and they barreled straight ahead and rammed it. Turns out Moby Dick was full of seamen because it was a Russian nuclear sub. Those lucky fishermen may never have to fish again.

О черт!

September 20: Grin and Bear It

And you thought your life was boring. Man you ain’t never lived in Pennsylvania. For fun in Pennsylvania, they go to the bar and they don’t cow tip but they bear tip by pushing 800 pound stuffed bears over balcony railings and then high tailing it. Unbearable? Not as bad as coming back after the place has closed to steal the stuffed animal. i couldn’t bear the weighty responsibility but apparently drunker souls than i could.

PS The owner said the taxidermy cost him 10 grand, so it looks like he’d already been ripped off before the grizzly heist.

September 20: Drinks Are On The House

Here’s an idea that’s got “wrong” written all over it so badly it’s like a drunk trying to tattoo himself with a sharpie.

This woman wants to sell her house but no one is showing much interest. So she decides to offer a $1000 tab at the bar across the street.

Here’s why that idea sucks more than a sorority girl doing a keg stand. The only new interest she’s going to get is from drunk people to stupid to realize they are spending $450,000 to get a free $1,000 and is someone that fucked up really the person you want to be in debt to you for half a million dollars?

Hell, it’s even a bad deal for the dumb ass, bar stool sample alkie because he’s going to get so fucked up at the bar he lives across the street from that he’ll never be able to drink there again.

Next time someone tells you drinks are on the house, make sure it’s someone else’s house.

September 23: A Clean Getaway

Everything about these three stooges is normal.

    • They’re 19
    • They like Tecate
    • They decide to steal beer because they’re underage

So Hooey and Dooey go into the store while Loony stays behind as wheel-boy. Dooey grabs a 30-pack (go big or go home, boys) and makes a break for it with Dooey, who is nabbed by employees in the parking lot. Loony drives off, abandoning Hooey. The cops come and pursue him on foot.

Here’s where his going gets good. He runs through a car wash and when he comes out the exit with his mind the only thing left dirty, the cops are there waiting for him.

The only thing even near as funny are Larry, Moe and Curly’s mug shots. Careful boys, if you make faces like that they may stay that way.

September 28: The Best Defense Is Strongly Offensive

Robert Will (and so would you if you had half a chance) showed up at Court on drunk driving charges drunk. He stunk of alcohol so Court officials gave him a portable breathalyzer, which he bombed, so Will’s mouthpiece said Robert won’t be tried until he’s sober. The judge agreed.

i’m thinking all Will will do is stay drunk so he can never be guilty. Innocent until proven sober, babes.

September 26: Hold up Your Breath

This cracker named Graham robbed two guys who’d just bought a case of Budweiser by holding up the peeps at little silver gun point. He ran away with the case, dropping cans in his escape, so when the cops showed up, they just had to follow the trail of beer to find Ashton Graham who did not have a super duper spy gun after all, but had threatened the dudes with his asthma puffer. Yes, he held them at inhaler point.

Then, in the police car, he stuck his head through the cruiser window. Will he be released any time soon? Don’t hold your breath.

September 27: A Real Mother Fucker

Don’t you hate it when you’re hanging out on the side of the road, sipping your brewsky, unwinding and stuff and the police pull up and ask you where your parents are because you’re underage to be drinking? Yeah, that sucks almost as much as pointing to the car next to you because that’s where your mother is, in the back seat of that car, under your best friend.

The next time you ask your mom, “Can my friend come?” make sure she knows what you mean.

Jennifer Wilson

Celebrity Dregs

September 19: Women are Boobs (Better Real Than Fake)

Look, i honestly don’t know what a Heidi Montag is or what her overall purpose is in the grand scheme of things. The only reason i picked this up is because these shots of her drunk at her birthday party in Las Vegas remind me of the photographs at the end of The Hangover. It’s not everyday you see a picture of a doll this inflated.

‘Cause you know i’m gonna go there again, and y’all know that by ‘there’, i mean ‘boobs’ because i’ve still had it up to here with fake boobs. You know who’s cool? Heather Morris, who i already told you was cool right here. Heather is the young lady from Glee (the cheerleader – the hot one – OK, the lesbian hot one – OK, the Bi hot one who’s blonde). She had a boob job and then you know what she did, clever little young lady that she is? She had a boob job, and then had them removed! Go Sister, Go Sister, mnanmananan Soul Sister!

Here’s a collage as inflated as Montag’s ego:

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

And i also have some shots swelling in my drawers…just keep strolling down til you hit them.

September 23: This Is Why You Wanna Be Famous

Member all of these fucking losers i talk about nonstop in the commoner dregs? You know how i know they’re losers? ‘Cause they actually did the time for the crimes they committed.

The real weiners are famous, good looking, rich people like Ryan Gosling. In 2005, this hot dog (he sticks his sausage in buns) was arrested for “driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs” and “driving with a blood alcohol content of 0.08 or greater”, which was plea bargained down to “excessive speeding” which is why no one, not even you, knew he got busted for drink driving until now because i just told you. Man, i bet all those saps in the commoner dregs wish they could be tried under Rich & Famous law. Still, someone’s gotta fill the prisons.

But i’m all about the justice, so here’s a taste of it for the little guy.

Ryan Gosling Mug Shot

i stuck a collage of him down in my drawers because i’m all about the equal opportunity exploitation.

September 29: Here’s Where You Wanna Drink the Kool-Aid

Apparently cult leader and murderer Jim Jones is not dead but instead is now black and a rapper. Plus a really good fucking friend. Seriously, with friends like him, who needs better friends?

[From the juiced-box: Jim Jones and Jha Jha - What You Been Drankin On?]

He had a buddy who turned 32 so they went to some club and Jim was jonesing for some booze so he ordered a bottle of champagne at around 600 bucks a pop for each year of his pal’s years. 32 bottles of Moet Nectar Rose came to $20,000. Then you know what he left for a tip? 2 more grand. That right there is more of a gentleman than Lindsay will ever be. Seriously, man, Respect.

October 5: Champagne Wars

Not to be outdone by some stupid (commie’s words, not mine, brosky) American rapper, the son of a Russian billionaire dropped $112,550 on booze at a restaurant, and just like Jim Jones, most of it was for someone else and in this case i get it because it was on Heather Graham, who i personally would drop anything on that she’d let me, including the 100,000 bucks i don’t even have because i would go that deep into debt for her.

The other cool thing is what the Rusky bought because it was a Nebuchadnezzar which you don’t even know what it is so stop playin’. It’s 15 liters of booze in one bottle (that’s more than seven 2-liter bottles of Pepsi, for you in the trailers) but in this case it’s Armand de Brignac Champagne, AKA “Ace of Spades”.

You know who else was there? Zac Efron. You know what Zac Enron almost dropped? The fucking bottle. Here’s what TMZ has to say about that shit.

Sources inside Board Room nightclub in Chicago tell TMZ … Zac attempted to lift the full 15 litre bottle on Tuesday night. We’re told Zac learned the hard way it was too heavy for him — but managed to hold on just long enough to avert the ultimate disaster.

But back to Heather Graham, because she’s so worth it.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There’s tons more Heather hanging out in my drawers down below. Scroll until you hit pay dirt.

September 30: Full-bodied Drunk

Elle Macpherson proved once again how super of a model she truly is by getting trashed in London in a bar that wants to steal the name The Bar None because it’s called C London. As in, “i C London, i C France, i see Elle’s underpants,” and a lot more.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Elle MacFearless is in my drawers as well.

October 5: Demi More

Did you guys know Demi Moore had an alcohol soaked past? How come you didn’t tell me? i had to find out when this one chick web site said Demi fell back into the bottle because Ashton started playing with other chicks’ Kutchers.

Here’s a taste of that.

Demi More in the Bar None

Bar None Dregs

First up, a big welcome to this twisted hottie called Alchemy of Mind who is our latest subscriber and regular in the Bar None. Put your feet up, babe, and what’s your poison? If any else out there wants to have their name read by 3000 plus people a day, all you gotta do is subscribe over there at the top right.

And guess what!? i have another friend way closer than you! (The Rod excepted because he already proved his friendship in ways i wouldn’t care to mention.) Raquel has joined those who “Like” The Bar None’s Facebook Page! Bringing the grand total to 3. Hey, what can i tell you, it’s an elite place.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Heidi Montag – BEFORE the surgical disaster

Ryan Gosling

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Heather Graham

Heather Graham in the Bar None

Heather Graham After the Bar None

Elle Macpherson

Elle Macpherson in the Bar None

Demi Moore

Demi Moore in the Bar None

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

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4 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, Booze Nooze, D.R.I.N.K.E.R., Dregs of the Week, Drinking, Gossip, Humor, Mug Shot

October 1, 2011

Celeb Dregs of the Week: Sept 11 – 25, 2011 (as if)

By Al K Hall

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Because there is a God and he wanted Rosie Huntington-Whiteley drunk.

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to all these Dreggers: Asteria – Live Life to the Less

Celebrity Dregs: Things That Make You Go Hurl

September 14: i Love This Every Time i Make Myself  Think About It

The Bar None’s resident Bar Nun made the news again this week for shit that even i in my infinite Shitness have a hard time wrapping my brain around. Like one of those beer belches that turns out to be a barf so voluminous you can’t keep it in your mouth or swallow it back down so it spills forth from you in a reluctant flood down the front of your shirt and into a puddle on your lap, so was the way with all the drunken news about Lindsay Lohan that came out recently.

Starting with the normal abnormalities, Her Ho-ness went to a party for a magazine called V Magazine. What does “V” stand for? Why do you think they invited Lindsay…

At this party, Gin-dsay got drunk, as is her want, and threw a drink at a guy named Jasper because there are still parents out there somewhere in this wide and wonderful world of ours that think naming kids things like Jasper is a good idea. The reason she threw her drink at Jasper was not because he was a professional photographer for V Magazine, which he is, but because he was doing his job and took a picture of her. In public. At a party. For the magazine hosting the party she was getting drunk at.

Then, miscellaneously, some random person started bleeding at Linds’ table and had to be carried away by the Fire Department.

Oh yeah, and Lindsay’s mom, the Mohan (or “Mo-Fo-Han”, i still haven’t made up my mind) was there and drunk too.

September 15 (yes, the next day): “Here’s a Birthday Kiss. No tongue this time, Mom.”

Hold on, i’m gonna stop you right there before you start making all kinds of lesbian incest MILF jokes because this isn’t the kind of blog where we joke about that kind of thing.

This is the kind of blog where we post picutres about that kind of thing.

Seriously, how do you write about this? i swear to god i have no idea which end of this thing to grab and jerk on first. That a drunken, 25-year-old starlette is making out with her 49-year-old MIKOLTFOADIIWD (Mother I’d Kind Of Like To Fuck On A Dare If I Was Drunk) is news enough, but that it’s the Bar Nun! And her fucking Mother!

If i made life up it’d look a lot like this. Then you’d tell me i was sick and unrealistic.

And that doesn’t even include the Drawer Shots “down there”. Keep scrolling if you don’t believe me.

September 15: The Bar Niña

You know how i know California is the land of MILF and Honey? Because they got quantities of booze there that would morally bankrupt most hedonistic states. Not only did the city of Los Angeles contain sufficient volumes of booze to get Mommy and Little Lohan into some girl-on-girl (granted it proably took a lot less than they drank, but still) but also had enough left over to intoxicate Paz de la Huerta.

SPaz Dispenser showed up at a cat call for Boardwalk Empire and her (dis)appearance tempted HBO to retitle the show Bored-Stagger Empire. Here’s some shots for y’all to pour over.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Plus i got way more photos of Paz de la Hurla down in my drawers. Keep scrolling, babes.

September 23: “I know I’m drunk, but what am I?”

Before

After

Kim Delaney, the lovely 49-year-old actress (hey, like Dina Lohan!) i first fell in like with during NYPD Blue balls but fell in love with when she had a cameo in drunk driving court is now in Army Wives, which, it turns out, is not lesbian porn but a real TV show. The word “army” in the title automatically qualified Kim as a speaker at an event honoring U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, so in a surprise tribute to how fucked up the miliatry is, she arrived onstage fucked up.

After slurring together a string of words that don’t belong together, her speech was cut short by loud voices and an intern who couldn’t find a shepherds crook so ran on stage to drag Kim off.

Bar None's artist hallucination of Kim

Just in case you don’t know why i fell like a drunk man walking on a fence beam over a pig styinto love with her, here’s a wallpaper. Plus there’s some scrappy shots sliding around in my drawers.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

August 18: Depardieu Goes Oui-Oui on the Plane

Mythical French guy Gérard PépéLePew got super drunk on a plane that was going to fly to Dublin probably because he drank all the alcohol that was already in France and needed to drink another continent dry. But yellow journalists relieved themselves by leaking the story that while he was in continent he screamed out “I Need To Peace!” but no one let him because they probably didn’t understand that “Peace” is French for “Piss”.

But, despite the fact i just made these details up, no one let him pee so he stood up and peed in the aisle.  As in “Aisle be going now. Right here.” Of course the flight was cancelled. With all of the alcohol content in his urine, the pilot was worried about internal combustion or some shit so the flight was grounded like that time in high school i came home drunk and my Mom and Dad were still up.

Anyway, here’s in case you wanted a wallpaper of this mess.

September 21: Everyone Is Coming Up, Rosie

There’s a bar called The Box in a city called London. Not every place can be called Yeaman and have The Bar None, but here’s something that should put that other club and that London Town on the map: High model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley got drunk there. Come to the Bar None, Rosie! My box is always wide open for you.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley thinking outside The Box

i got some big ol’ Rosie shots filling my drawers, as well.

Bar None Dregs

TheBarNone.me

Go ahead, click on that link. i dare you. See!? The Bar None is now my private domain, literally. This way it’s tons easier to tell your friends all about this place so they can come by. Watch this, “Hey, check out ‘The Bar None dot Me’.” See how easy?

The Bar None

In my desire to take over the entire World Wide Web until the internet is known as TheBarNoneNet, i’ve set up a Facebook page for The Bar None. Please go there. Please Like me. Please tell your friends to Like me. The Rod is getting so lonesome.

Al K Hall, Plus 1

Will you be my +1? i have my own Google Plus page now, as well. If you want to be in my inner circle, just go here and add me all over the place.

Thank You For Patronizing Me

Gornoblonde is The Bar None’s latest patronizer! Thanks for the subscription, babe! Next time you stop by, leave a comment so i can welcome you properly.

And if you too want to be as famous as Gornoblonde and have your name seen by a daily average of 3500 people, all you gotta do is click the “Serve Me Up” button over there on the upper right.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Lindsay Lohan (25)

Paz de la Huerta (27)

Kim Delaney (49)

From a 2002 DUI Arrest

Bonus Oktoberfest Shots

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

6 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, Booze Nooze, Dregs of the Week, Drinking, Gossip, Humor, Mug Shot

September 21, 2011

Commoner Dregs of the Week: September 11-17 (or the balls park)

By Al K Hall

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

The Dregs have risen again and i know because they’re floating all around me. They’re floating in Ukrainian beer baths, sticking to James Bond drinking gadgets, spewing out of glove compartments, hanging out dead in strip clubs, drinking to not drinking, pulling out their own teeth and so much more other shit you won’t believe unless you read on.

Dedicated To Katherine Goldberg: Billy Joel – Captain Jack (Live)

[Press 'Play' for Captain Jack to get you high tonight...]

Commoner Dregs

September 9, 2011: You Smell Like A Brewery

They got more in the Ukraine than just a population of hot women who look like jailbait and can drink you under the table before marrying you for your papers so they can detour the whole white slavery route in order to escape to a country whose major industry isn’t sexual tourism. However, in case you don’t know what that looks like, here’s a wallpaper i made simply by Googling “Young Ukranian Brides”. So all of these women in this picture are available to the highest bidder.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Like i said, though, they got more than this because they also got baths. And before you go getting all smarmy and making all kinds of racist jokes, yes, i’m positive they have baths. They even go so far as to have beer baths because the oats and bubbles are supposed to rejuvenate the skin and the yeast is supposed to infect you with energy. Shit, if taking a bath in beer is that beneficial, imagine what would happen if you ingested it orally.

There’s some single shots of Ukrainian babes and the Ukrainian Babe President filling my drawers down below.

September Whenever: Jim Bond

From Russia With Drugs (OK, the Ukraine) comes The Spy Who Drunk Me. For Your Ice Only this is a License to Swill. This here’s a breathalyzer jacket so that if You Only Drink Twice from a Bottle of Solace, sipping some of that Vodkapussy, that you live to Rye Another Day and not Gin and Let Die.

What else do i got for The Man with the Golden Rum? The perfect accessory for the breathalyzer tux: Bottle Opener Cuff Links.

September 16: Dead Drunk

Ooh, someone needs a stiff drink.

Here’s a good idea for a movie that i just had. Let’s say there’s this one guy who’s poor so he has to crash at his buddy’s house ’til he gets on his feet but comes home to find the nice buddy will never get on his feet either because he’s now dead. With me so far? Ok, Po’ Boy (aka, Robert “Not So” Young) dumps the body in the car and hauls ass (and the dead ass) over to a restaurant where Mark Rubinson works and i’m guessing it’s not as “Resident Genius” ’cause “Not So” Young and Rubinson “Cube Head” drive the body to a couple restaurants and leave the corpse in the back seat of the car because they don’t even have to roll the windows down a crack.

Robert Young & Mark Rubinson Mugshots

Then in my terrific movie idea, they ditch the corpse at his house because who would want to take a stiffy to a strip club? And that’s exactly where they go, someplace called Shotgun Willie’s, and they’re not as stupid as i originally thought because they take the dead guy’s bank card because the last lap dance will be on him (figurely speaking, of course). The movie ends when the strip club closes and the guys flag down a cop and say there might be a dead guy back at the house. The End.

Hey, y’all? If i die and you find my body, don’t you dare treat me the way these guys treated their buddy. You damn well better take my ass into that strip club if you’re gonna use my fuckin’ money. If you leave me at home, i’ll haunt your ass for eternity.

[See that, bitches? The first journalist ever to write about this story and not make a reference to Weekend At Bernie's. BOO-YA.]

September 1: I’ll Drink & Drive To That

As if her being young, sexy and drunk weren’t enough…

i mean, Kaitlin Rymaszewski would’ve earned a place in my heart and in these Dregs just for being hot, 22, and having a name that could choke Linda Lovelace—the irony of her story is just cream on top. She’s driving down the road, speeding, and when she sees the cops she starts braking and turning and turning and turning but the police catch up to her and pull her over.

Kaitlin M Rymaszewski Mugshot

The officer approaches the vehicle, smells alcohol and sees beer pouring out of the glovebox. Inside it is an open Bud Lite tall boy that she got as a present for completing an alcohol-education program she had to attend because she was busted for drunk driving in March 2011.

i can see why she got the certificate, though, ’cause she knows a whole lotta shit about booze.

Kaitlin, babe? You out there? Can i interview you for the Bar None?

September 15: What a Boner

It must have been hard for Gene Boner. Captain in the police department, this cock-up came prematurely off the road because he was drunk up to his Blue Policeman Balls. Let’s hope he gets the stiff punishment he deserves.

Gene Boner Mugshot

September 14: D.I.Y. Dentist It Yourself

You know how you sit around your place drinking and telling yourself that you’re not an alcoholic because there’s tons of alcoholic shit you ain’t never done? Here’s something you can add to that list.

After Francisco Rojas’ wife called 911, the police arrived to find a drunk man in his garage trying to pull out his own tooth with a pair of pliers. The room was full of the stench of the vomit he was able to extract tons easier than the tooth.

Francisco Rojas mugshot

Here’s something i don’t recommend you say to the police when they come to your garage:

This is my fucking house, I can say and do whatever the fuck I want. I’m fucking drunk and you can’t do nothing about it.

Especially because they will do something about it, like raise the garage door because of the puke stench and when they do all the neighborhood kids are gonna be standing in the driveway for the show and that for sure is gonna make you wanna say something like:

Fuck you, Mr. King. Take me to fucking jail.

This might pose a problem as none of the the cops are named Mr King and they really didn’t want to take you to jail in the first place but you just left them no other fucking choice, did you?

See how much you’re not a real alcoholic?

i think i know what happened here

September 14: Flying High

Yeah, like you’ve never been drunk on an airplane before. i know y’all don’t remember and care even less but three years ago i drank all kinds of shit in first class but i never once grabbed a guy’s dick, not even a flight attendant’s no matter how cute he was and if you don’t have photos, it didn’t happen.

Yes, i Drank All This In One Flight

Unfortunately, Katherine Goldberg can’t say as much because she drank a pint of whiskey and told this guy stewardess who was probably gay anyway that she wanted his tube steak for dinner and her pie à la moded for dessert before she went all off on his crotch by groping his not-so-easy jet. Everyone knows how hard it is to get any kind of service in a plane and this case was no different. Apparently the friendly skies are less and less so because the guy refused to press anything but charges.

That’s something else you never done, too, so you really must not be an alcoholic. See what kind of public service shit i offer up in the Dregs?

Bar None's Artist Hallucination Of Who Went Down

Celebrity Dregs

Coming soon to a blog near you.

Bar None Dregs

September 19: A New Barmark

i’d like to take a minute to thank all you readers, oglers and drunks for making the Bar None the most popular unknown bar blog in the universe. On Monday of this week, more than 5000 patronizers stumbled into the Bar None for the first time in the history of the Bar None. Y’all are the best and rock the hard way.

Click on it if you don't believe me

September 09: No, i didn’t forget

i remember very well that Miss Demeanor made an honest man out of me by officially becoming Mrs Demeanor in a justice of the peace’s office here in Yeaman. i just didn’t tell you guys until now. And there was much rejoicing.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Drunken Baths for Dirty Minds

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Ukrainian Girls

Yulia Tymoshenko

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

6 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, Booze Nooze, Dregs of the Week, Humor, Mug Shot

September 12, 2011

Dregs of the Week: September 4 – 10 (and whenever)

By Al K Hall

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

We got us some of those nasty, vampire dregs this week ’cause some of those featured here really suck. There’s this 20-year-old who ate a man’s head, a drunken moose that mounted a tree, skinny vodka that isn’t, a new definition of DUI (Disney Under the Influence), Amy Winehouse’s bust, a renegade stripper, Pokemon alcohol, and a toothless Evan Rachel Wood. Plus even more dregs you can suck on ’til your sick.

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Shelby “Cobra” Spalione: KSM (her Disney band) – Magic Carpet Ride

[Press 'Play' for Little Red Riding Hood does Big Bad Steppenwolf.]

Commoner Dregs

Sept 01: Thinking On His Seat

Don’t you hate it when you’re in Kentucky? And don’t you especially hate it when you’re in Kentucky sitting on a bar stool in the parking lot (because that’s what passes for a terrace in Kentucky) and some guy decides he wants to park it on your stool? The only problem here being “it” doesn’t refer to his ass but his Chevy S10 pickup. He drives right at you so you hop off the stool at the last second and James T Lee crashes into the building. He gets a stool sample stuck in his grill and a trip to jail because it was his fourth fucking arrest for drunk driving and you’ll never guess what he blew on the BAC so I’ll tell you, it was 0.236 which is three times over the limit, even in Kentucky. How drunk is that? Look at the picture in his mugshot–he’s fuckin’ cross-eyed drunk.

James T Lee Mugshot

September 07: Alcoholic Anonymoose

If you’ve ever, even once, drunk too much then you flirted with someone you shouldn’t have. Hopefully, however, it was with a member of the same species. There was this moose in Sweden that had one fermented apple too many and decided to mount a tree. This is a scoop, beermaids and barhounds: the moose wanted to fuck the tree. None of the other, reputed journals caught this but i picked up on it like a millionaire in a brothel. i mean, look at the tree. The branches look like antlers and the split trunk looks like two wanton moose legs. You’re a drunk moose in the middle of the night—you’d hit that. i know you would.

September 8: Pukemon

After Bulltinkle up there, let’s stay with the kiddie theme long enough for me to tell you that you can puke up Pokemon Character Evolution Themed Drinks.

There’s Charmander, Charmeleon, Charizard

There’s Squirtle, Wartortle, Blastoise

There’s Bulbasaur, Ivysaur, Venasaur

Plus you should mosey on over to The Drunken Moogle for tons of other themed drinks.

Amateur Stripper

September 07: Open Pole Night

There’s this strip club called Baby Dolls in Florida, yeah, the one near the freeway, i knew you knew it, where this 25-year-old went to celebrate her version of amateur hour by getting drunk, walking into the club and stripping right there, even if she didn’t work there. You gotta love her spunk and salacity because she started bitching out the other dancers and yelling at the patrons to cough up something other than their special sauce. Here’s what it looked like when the cops came and made her put her clothes back on.

Natalie Behnke Mugshot

Oh yeah, i’m also gonna stick some other stripper shots in my drawers ’cause i’m generous like that. Scroll all the way down until you hit “bottom”.

September 9: Face Off

Josephine Rebecca Smith, 22, does not know how to give head. What happens when a vampire tries to suck face? She walks up to a 69-year-old dude asleep in his motorized wheelchair on the doorstep to a Hooters, climbs on top of him, says “I am a vampire, I am going to eat you” and then starts munching. She takes chunks out of his face and lips before taking off. Finally, the police catch up to her and drive a stake through her heart. Nah, just joshing, they arrest her for a whole bunch of shit, including an open container.

i’m keeping a drunk Goth shot in the drawer, but before that i got this.

Josephine Rebecca Smith Mugshot

September 08: Skinnygirl is a Big Fat Liar

There’s this kind of vodka called Skinnygirl and i’m fascinated that a national brand of alcohol would try to inebriate women stupid enough to believe they can loose weight with booze. All you women who are on a vodka diet, please come over to Yemen and we’ll work out a workout. Until then, i’m afraid to be the one to break the news to you that Skinnygirl Vodka has an artificial preservative in it. Yes, horror of horrors, this vodka is not the health drink we all naturally assumed it was.

My Favorite Way To Enjoy A Skinnygirl: Lying Down

A Real Skinnygirl

Celebrity Dregs

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

September 11: DWI: Disney While Intoxicated

You know that huge super famous mega band KSM? Remember how they were a Disney formed Go-Gos cover band? Recall, if you will, that heartbreaking moment that defined not only a generation but a century: Where were you when you learned KSM had broke up?

Well, hold on to your mouse ears, Muscadeteers, because tragedy has struck again. Shelby “Cobra” Spalione, lead singer and guitarist of KSM was busted last night (Sept 10, 2011) for DUI. Cops pulled her over for a seatbelt thing and smelled AlKHall on her breath so they gave her a BAT test and she scored 0.15%, which isn’t bad considering it’s twice the legal limit and only 3 points less than her age. Yep, Shelby’s a rocking 18.

So here’s my idea for a realty show. We get famous people and film them while they match their Blood Alcohol Content to their age. Can you imagine Selena Gomez at 0.19%? Taylor Swift reaching 0.21%? Or if you don’t like that idea, i got this other concept called “Disney Girls Gone Wild”. Sleep on it, you’ll let me know.

i got another shot of Cobra snaking in my drawers, down there.

September 9: Amy Winehouse is Busted

Before i waste space about that, though, i just wanted to point out that Amy’s dad said Amy Winehouse did not have any illegal substances in her body at the time of her death. She had all kinds of nasty shit, like that greasy British fish and shit and warm flat beer they call bitter, but no narcotics.

What she did have was something called Librium, which is apparently a drug for recovering alcoholics to help them with seizures during the DTs. According to Wino’s House, she died from a detox seizure. Recovery can be killer, yo.

Now, what about her being busted…

September 07: Even Rachel Would

How do I know French people can’t dance? Evan Rachel Woody was partying in Paris and some guy on the dance floor flapped his elbow and knocked her tooth out of her mouth. i’m no Mikael Molotv or whatever, but i never gave anyone a permanently disfiguring injury while dancing. The only thing i ever cut was a rug, ‘s what i’m saying.

Here’s The Bar None’s Artist Hallucination of what that mouth must look like.

Evan Rachel Wood at 11

And here’s what that looks like now.

Evan Rachel Wood in the Bar None

We got some more Wood shots in the drawers.

Bar None Dregs

A couple new posts over at the sobering site. Don’t go there unless you’re looking for some serious shit.

On the lighter side… That Saint-Pauly fuckup has put together a new post about the Emma Stone vehicle, Easy A.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Amateur Strippers – Dedicated to Natalie Behnke

Drunk Goth – Dedicated to Josephine Rebecca Smith

Shelby “Cobra” Spalione (18)

Evan Rachel Wood (24)

Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson in the Bar None

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

4 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, Booze Nooze, Dregs of the Week, Humor, Mug Shot, Uncategorized

September 6, 2011

Dregs of the Week: Aug 28 – Sept 03, 2011 (and thereabouts)

By Al K Hall

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Because if i don’t bring up the dregs, no one will. Like here i got a guy who had all his orifices occupied while driving, a thief who could’t keep his pants on or his beer down, Shia pet exploding all over Marilyn Manson and a brief appearance by Jane Lynch before i give the floor show to Heather Morris only because i can.

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Jane Lynch: The Cast of Glee – Tik Tok

Commoner Dregs

August 24: Multi-flasking

George E. Howard Mug Shot

Here’s a guy who wants to try everything once before he dies, plus he wants to try them all at once—and while driving. George E Howard (aka Paul E Chronic) was driving erratically while sucking a beer so the police pulled him over. When they approached the car, they saw a woman’s head resting on the happy place in his lap. The officers told old George E to get his ass and the rest of him out of the car and when he did his pants fell down to his knees. George admitted to simultaneously drinking, driving, fucking and doing everything  any other 58-year-old could ever hope to do in a year, then proceeded to fail the dreaded field sobriety test while his girlfriend unsuccessfully attempted to hid the beer can under her dress. Yes, he got arrested, but is that all you learned from this?

August 24: Arrested By His Pants

The video can say a lot more about this than i can. Miguel Ortiz went to shoplift some beer and this is what happened:

Click on the Pic to See the Vid

All you really need to know here is that this ass-pants got arrested. Don’t believe he’s an ass-pants? He did all of this for Bud Lite.

Celebrity Dregs

August 28: Same Shia, Different Day

Shia LeButt erupted at an event in a box called The Box in L.A. and i just know they’re bummin’ i thought of the name The Bar None first. Still Shia Pet got super drunk on pro’lly wine coolers and started spitting water he sipped from a bottle on his girlfriend’s leg and whenever i try shit like that i suddenly don’t have a girlfriend anymore. But LeBum gets a pass because he’s famous and girls’ll let you do whatever the fuck you want if your famous because famous people are better than you and me otherwise they wouldn’t be famous.

You know who was pissed off as well as ‘pissed’ on, though? Marilyn Manson. He was sitting at the table with his girlfriend and Shia spit on him and Marilyn was all, like, miffed. So Shia ran away and his girlfriend followed him because that’s what women do when you’re famous. Even if you look like this.

Shia and His Girlfriend (maybe not)

August 22: The Uh Glee Truth

You know Jane Lynch from Glee? She’s the one who plays Sue Cunningham, the cheerleader coach. Which is probably a job she’d like in real life, what with her being a lesbian and all. Lesbian, as in “I’ll have the tuna for Lynch.” Or “All You Can Eat Lynch Special for Seniors”. Anyway, guess what else but i know you already know so just stop playing and sit back and enjoy the wit while it lasts.

Jane, at 51, has been dry for 30 years and even goes to AA, which i’m sure must be cool despite my going there for going on 8 months now. But, in order to sell a few extra copies of some book she’s peddling, she came clean about sipping NyQuil before bedtime, not really thinking about the alcohol content . The article doesn’t say if she stopped or not. Or how many extra books the publicity from the “shocking revelation” pushed.

The Bar None's Artist Hallucination

The good news is that Heather Morris, who plays “Brittany” (or something) on the show, looks shitloads better in a bikini than Jane so i’m going with her for the photos. Plus, Heather drinks. Here’s what that’s about.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Not only that, she may not be a lesbian, like Jane, but she plays one on TV.

And let’s not forget the huge scandal about Heather being the poster child for Domestic Violence.

There’s tons more shots of her filling my drawers. Just keep scrolling down til you find the happiness.

Bar None Dregs

You know how i’m not busy enough, right? In honor of that and the fact that i don’t have enough to beat myself up over not doing, i’ve decided to open another bar Blog. It must be real because it even has its own domain name. Check out alkhallanonymous.com for the softer side of sobriety.

Al K Hall-ic Anonymous is a place where i can share more of the personal shit going on with my recovery and not worry about sounding like a wuss.

Also, that annoying little Saint Pauly kid posted another one of those things that can’t be called a review. It’s on a Nick Cage wreck called Season of the Witch. Check it out, you don’t believe me.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Heather Morris (24)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

5 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, Booze Nooze, Booze Toonze - The Bar None's Juice-Box, Dregs of the Week, Humor, Mug Shot

June 19, 2011

Celeb Mug Shot: Estella Warren

By Al K Hall

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Here’s a song straight from the juiced-box and dedicated to Estella Warren: Drive by Truckers – Women Without Whiskey

[Press 'Play' for Trailer Park Rock]

Warren Peace

My first thought when i heard that Estella Warren was arrested for drunk driving was, “Who the hell is Estella Warren?” Closely followed by my second thought, which was, “i hope she’s hot.” Judging from the above collage, i think you’ll agree that i had happy pants upon learning she is an actress/model, or, as we call them here in the Bar None, Role Model.

[If you want to see her acting assets, you can check out my Facebook page...and why not Friend me while you're there?]

Estella Warren "Mug Shot"

So, the international star of Jack the Kangaroo —and how the Oscars could miss her doing that to a Kangaroo, i’ll never know—hit three cars driving home the other night. The neighbors heard the racket and chased her down until she got out of her car and screamed that they were all trying to steal her shit. Someone called the cops and she started bitch slapping one guy to pass the time until the cops arrived.

Too drunk to study, she failed her sobriety test and started kicking one of the officers to punish him for putting handcuffs on her. The cop failed his field arrest test, though, because back at the hoosegow Warren Remembrance slipped like a nipple from her confinement and ran away. But not too far because she got caught like and STD and arrested again.

For her second DUI (the first was 2007), the lucky wench got four Miss Demeanors while i still only have the one.

[AlKHallism: There's some more shots of her in my drawers right down there.]

Immoral of the Story

Man, the view is nice from up here on my pedestal but the height is making me a little sick. Rather than stomach sneezing on all you little people down there, i thought i’d share something from my past to show i’m not as high and mighty as i make myself out to be.

One of the reasons i started this blog was, i told myself a couple years ago, to talk about my drinking and make this a forum for drunks and drinkers, those who want to stop being either and those who love them. Well, this is me living up to that.

Hell, Estella, i'm no angel either.

i graduated from University back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and just after that i was so obsessed with this beautiful girl that i didn’t notice she had Dumbo ears. She led me on as only a pretty girl who realizes you can’t see her defaults knows how to do, and part of this back and forth was a back and forth because she lived in a University town 1 ½ hours from where i lived. i’d regularly drive up to her place to let her abuse me on weekends where she’d give me just enough to make me want some more but nothing of any consistency (which, thinking about it, is a lot like alcoholism).

We’d hang out in the sports bar where she waited tables and i was included in the inner crowd who would drink free beer with the owner after closing time, my cute addiction sitting on my lap but refusing to kiss me before i’d go back to her place where we’d snuggle on her sofa before she left me for the comfort of her double bed.

One winter’s night, i was in my home town getting drunk with friends watching my alma mater get trashed in a championship basketball game. Even more trashed than my team, i had a sudden craving for Honey Whine. i hopped in my car, hit the highway and began the long drive north.

Estalla Warren and Al K Hall Road Trip (Guess Who's Who)

Halfway into the trip (the car one), i fell asleep at the wheel and drove straight into a guardrail going about 60mph—for those of you who work on the metric system, this corresponds to “really fucking fast”. i remember waking up seconds before and seeing the grey metal rush at me.

i bounced off the windshield hard enough to crack it. The engine was still running until my trembling leg slipped off the accelerator. The next thing i remember is tying the hood down with my jean jacket somehow and driving to the nearest exit where there was an all night truck stop and i bought some bungee cords to lash down my hood.

i finished the drive but instead of going to Honey Whine’s, i drove to my best friend’s place (who attended the same school). Driving into his parking lot, i nearly drove into a ditch because i fell asleep again.

So yeah, i’m not perfecter than Warren, s’what i’m saying.

What about y’all? Anyone have any drunk driving stories you’d like to share? That’s what the Comments Section is for, you know.

Bar None Dregs

Saint Pauly has graced us all with another WTF!? (Watch The Film) movie review. This time it’s of The Fighter. It’s worth a look and is pro’lly funny if you’re a little drunk.

A special shout out to Ganjicu and Super8wentzville (you know who you are, ’cause i sure as hell don’t) for subscribing to this Diary-a of a Chronicle (Non) Drinker. Welcome to the Bar None, don’t be shy and thanks for patronizing me.

Bar None Drawers

Estella Warren (32)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

13 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, Alcohol Recovery, Blast from the Pabst, Booze Nooze, Booze Toonze - The Bar None's Juice-Box, D.R.I.N.K.E.R., Dregs of the Week, Functional Alcoholics Slurperson (FASe), Humor, Mug Shot

May 26, 2011

Celeb Dregs of the Week: May 1 – May 21, 2011 (or there ’bouts)

By Al K Hall

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Don’t let the shot above fool you or go ahead, i really can’t be bothered to give that much of a shit. What i mean is that this week’s (and i use the term “week” as loose as Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ scratch-and-sniff after a night at the YMCA sponsored Greco-Roman hot tub wrestling festival) dregs are settling more on the men than the women. But you know me—and if you don’t you’re not reading this ’cause you got raptured—i won’t settle for that so i spent gobs of time and gobs of effort to pretty this post up a little. Still, the theme of this week is firmly Junk Male.

Here’s a song straight from the juiced-box and dedicated a little to my Male Order Bride Jonathan Rhys Meyers and ever so especially to Matthew Perry:  Sad Brad Smith – Help Yourself

[Press 'Play' for "I'ma Go To Rehab"]

Celebrity Dregs: They are so Takei

Way up inside my “Junk Male” issue is the notion of Femi-men, because most of the ‘guys’ licking the bottom of the barrel (ooh, there’s a euphemism for you) this week are of questionable heterosexuality. This is why i talked about “They are so Takei” in the mini headline just right up there.

You know how i know actor George Takei (aka Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu) is gay? ‘Cause he married a man.

Plus he keeps telling people about it all the time.

It seems that in some state in the USA they call Tennessee, it could soon be against the law to mention in schools that homosexuality exists. Ironic, considering i’m not even sure Tennessee exists but there you go. Anyway, this has become known as the “Don’t Say Gay” law there, so George Takei with all his interplanetary diplomacy skills has suggested we replace the word “Gay” with “Takei”. Don’t believe me? Check this shit out:

[Pressing 'Play' doesn't necessarily mean you're Takei.]

Everyone and their therapist knows that the Bar None maintains a very strict “No Haters” policy and, as such, homosexuals are super welcome. Hell, some of our best gays are friends. In keeping with this tradition, i plan to discuss homosexuality so much that everyone will say this issue of the dregs is gay. Really gay. Some people may even say this is the gayest Dregs ever.

Case in point…

May 4: My Male Order Bride

I feel an ass kickin' coming on. Where's the nearest airport?

Starting things off, here’s Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who i would have homosexual sex with if he ever became a man. The only thing hard about this guy is his drinking, ‘s what i’m saying.

This is the man who was arrested in 2009 for getting drunk in a Paris airport and beating up the waiter who intervened when Meyers started a fight with the bartender who cut him off. Before that in 2007, he was arrested for public drunkenness in a Dublin airport. Dude, if you get busted for public drunkenness in France and Ireland (public drunkenness in Ireland is a crime!? Who knew!?), for fuck’s sake stay out of goddamn airports.

Footage from the Paris Bust

Guess what, his suppressed homosexuality reared its ugly head in an airport again a couple weeks ago when, while waiting for a flight in a JFK bar, he pounded vodkas like man-holes until he wasn’t allowed to get on the plane because he was already flying. He pitched a hissy fit so hard his proxy boyfriend girlfriend screeched, “It’s either the boobs or the booze, you choose.” He, or course, chose the beard [AlKHallism: Thanks to Miss D for the vocab lesson] because he’s not ready to come out to himself yet. To prove my point, he went into rehab to shut her up. Unfortunately, he has better luck staying in the closet than a clinic because he left after 10 days for “business” reasons which really means “I’m gay and it’s no one’s business.”

P.S. He has flunked rehab four times.

P.P.S. If you don’t believe he’s really Takei, you’re gonna wanna scroll down and look around my drawers, where i keep the visual proof.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

May 2: Jesse’s Hurl

Another dude trying to drown the Takei inside him clawing to get out is Rick Springfield, who sang in the 80′s (yes, he was that gay), “I wish that I was Jesse’s girl”. Or something. Springfield was so obviously Takei that all the little girls loved him because their little cloven hearts could get all mushy without fear of actually being penetrated.

Rick Springfield Mug Shot

He got busted for DUI is why i’m writing about him. On May Day (that’s how i know he’s gay), he was pulled over for a traffic violation in LA or some place with the same spelling and cops smelled booze on his breath. He bombed the field sobriety tests and blew (he was very good at blowing) 0.10 and 0.08 on the BAC which was enough for a free trip to the pokey. The non-gay kind.

February 17: Pop Sensation

You have got to listen to this: The Partridge Family – We Gotta Get Out Of This Place

Another teen idol who was Takei enough to collect crushes like pansies on a daisy chain is David Cassidy who had his own TV show with the hotter and much more masculine Susan Dey. “Dey” which rhymes with…Takei. Anyway, he got popped too, just like Rickie, for DUI. Only his was back in February (maybe he popped prematurely?) so he already got sentenced to community service because 1) he got judged by famous people law (which is very different from the law you and i have to obey) and 2) the judge was afraid Cassidy would enjoy being a prisoner too much for it to be counted as punishment.

He pleaded “No Contest” which is legal-speak for “I can’t think of good enough bullshit to fool a jury”. The punishment for this is writing “I was a naughty naughty boy” 500 times on a billboard or some other shit as equally tame.

My favorite part of this crime was looking up pictures of young 60′s idol Susan Dey, which i’ve included in the drawers, down below.

David Cassidy Mug Shot

May 3: Desperate Souse Life

Another guy with a TV show is Ricardo Chavira who’s in Desperate Housewives as Carlos somebody and he got busted driving drunk and so what. So what is that in the TV show he plays Eva Longoria’s character’s husband which is close enough for me to do an exposée on Eva Longoria. Which looks something like this.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

As if that wasn’t enough, there are more shots of her in my drawers.

But back to Ricardo. Here’s the down and dirty (that’s what Jonathan Rhys Meyers said): Rick “The Dick” Springfield beat him to the punch. (Sorry, Rhys, it’s a euphemism.) ‘Cause, like Ricky, Ricardo 1) was nabbed in LA 2) for a traffic violation when 3) officers smelled booze on his breath and he 4) failed the field sobriety test. The only way Ricardo rolled the other way was in refusing blood and breath tests, which is actually the right decision if you’re wasted.

What i like most about this guy is that every fucking picture of him looks like a mug shot. Google his ass (and his face) all over the place, nearly every pap shot of him looks like it was taken during booking. Makes it super easy on the police and me too, because this mughsot i’m posting is not the real mug shot but is from some event that didn’ t include community showers.

Ricardo Chavira Mug Shot

May 12: He’s a good Friend

Matthew Perry is a good Friend

Chandler Bing, who some people know by his real life name of Matthew Perry, is going back to rehab. He already went once in 1997 and once in 2001 for his problems with prescription pills (bo-ring) and booze (yay!!!!!!!!!!). The good news is, he didn’t relapse, he just thought it’d be a good idea to go back to treatment before the shit hit the fan. He preemptively moved his ass away from the fan, i’m saying. (Rhys, back your ass away from the fan this instant.) Here’s how he put it (that’s what Rhys said),

“I’m making plans to go away for a month to focus on my sobriety and to continue my life in recovery. Please enjoy making fun of me on the World Wide Web.”

Only problem is, i’m trying to make fun of him but i can’t think of anything funny to say. Bastard. i mean, what’s fun about a star who realized he had problems, sought help for them and is continuing to ensure he doesn’t relapse? How am i supposed to mock this!? Fucker. All i’ll say is that it’s a damn good thing no one else in the industry is as rational and down to earth as Perry otherwise i wouldn’t have anything to write about.

For example…

March 8: Olson’s Twins Held Up in Court

Bree Olson, AKA Charlie Sheen’s #winning #Goddess, drove her Lexus into a tree in Fort Wayne, Indiana. The cops on the scene had her blow and she blew it, 0.19% to be precise, which is more than double the 0.08% drunk you’re allowed to be when you drive. This was last February and since then the court told her she can have two days in June to defend herself.

Bree Olson and Charlie Sheen's Future

What the hell is her strategy gonna be? She blew 0.19! She might get away with pleading insanity after she proves she gave up porn to be one of Charlie Sheen’s #Goddess’s. Or maybe “Self Defense” if she can prove she was trying to kill herself before she hurt herself driving drunk. (It’s a blonde thing.) It’ll be easy as her pie to prove it wasn’t premeditated because she has no brain. (Sorry, Bree! Sometimes i let my rabid wit get away from me.)

Bree Olson Mug Shot

Maybe the drawer shots will make up for my slight slight. Scroll all the way down and let me know what you think.

Tallulah near the Bar None

April 29: Tallulah Willis is Lush-ous

Lula is as premature as they come. Joining the ranks of Miley Cyrus and Emma Roberts, say hello to 17-year-old Tallulah Belle Willis, daughter to some guys named Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. She was “cited” for underage drinking, which means she got a verbal tongue lashing, after she stumbled drunk out of a car in Hollywood (and so would i). She and her big hairy posse of 2 girls were carrying 2 bottles of hard alcohol so the cops took her in. Because she’s a minor, they had to call an adult to pick her up at the station. i would of loved for that to be Ashton Kutcher but, like i said, it had to be ab adult so Demi did it.

It’s not like this was the first time, either. Check out this picture:

This is Tallulah holding ice water. Only problem is she was drinking the water because she was drunk and smoking cigarettes. And 15 years old. At Scout Willis’s 18th birthday bash. Willis’s motto? Die Hard but Party Harder.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Here is my evidence supporting the case that Jonathan Rhys Meyers is Takei.

Any questions?

Jonathan Rhys Meyers walking to the Bar None

 Susan Dey

Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria in the Bar None (kinda)

Bree Olson

Bree Olson in the Bar None with Charlie Sheen

Bree Olson in the Bar None (look in the lower right corner, if you're eyes will go that low)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

8 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, Alcohol Recovery, Booze Nooze, Booze Toonze - The Bar None's Juice-Box, Dregs of the Week, Humor, Mug Shot

March 31, 2011

The Hot Rod Unloads: I’m so pissed I can’t remember what I was sayin’….

By The Hot Rod

Guys -

I’ve drunk to much, and now I’ve drawn a blank. I think this piece was going to be something witty, but now I fear it’s jus’ gonna be somethin’ about nothin’. And in the process, a complete massacre of the English language. Thank God I don’t know French. They hate massacres. Inevitably, the drunken, slurry speech about how your wife never puts out enough or the way your fav’rit football team lost on the weekend descends into a swathe of “blarggghargaaagh” and “musssshhhhinblaghreachhh”, before a big burly bouncer chucks you out on your drunken ass. Mention having an enormous penis (perhaps even in a more crude manner than I have here!) or a set of testicles that would make King Kong feel small and shriveled and watch the womenfolk at the Bar roll their eyes in disgust. Or, is it a come-on? In your drunken stupor, how can you tell? Groping lady-parts or pulling your pants down to dance along the bar isn’t considered acceptable behavior, and nor should it, yet each and every weekend around the world, people of all ages and physical abilities try to do just that.

You know how you go out for a night on the town and end up waking up looking like Jon Voight did at the end of Anaconda when the anaconda puked him up? Shit that film was cool. That’s how cool you’ll be if you end up in a river full of anacondas, but on a night in downtown Metropolis you ain’t gonna get very far with stylin’ up like LiLo after a bender. Puke and stained clothing, as well as a stench of urine and spilled beer, will make anybody approaching you retch in disgust, so don’t be confused if you think you’re Gods gift to women and all the women you meet just happen to be Lesbetians. They aren’t, and neither are you. We may poke gentle fun at those among us who get hammered and end up on the internet with their mugshot looking like a reject from Faces of Meth (Gary Busey, you fucking legend you!) but the sad hard fact is, man, you ain’t Gary Busey and nobody gives two cracks how cool you think you are while you’re pissed.


Gary Busey after a night at The Bar None

 

Pissed people are generally offensive, whether they mean to be or not. They’re inconsiderate, loud and obnoxious. Or asleep in the corner, but those types don’t come along as often as the potty-mouthed fight-seekers. They make good tabloid fodder, the ever-present security vision highlight reel on the five-o’clock-news will attest to that. Drunken fighting only looked cool when Jackie Chan did it. So don’t bother, because you’ll look like a right tool. And not the good kind.

I was out on my good mate’s Bucks Night (otherwise known as a Stag Night in more seppo sections of the world) and it was, I believe, quite late in the night (or early in the morning, I forget), when we stumbled past a hotel that was packed so deep with people they were falling out the windows. Now, our group (I think there were about a dozen of us) had enjoyed a night of strippers, booze and music; we’d successfully made our way down the nightclub district visiting almost every bar, strip-joint and club we could gain access to. Most of us were a little tipsy, and more than a few of us were absolutely fucked up from the floor up. So we’re walking -staggering- past this bar, with the Buck wearing a set of fake boobs and a hula skirt (and not much else) when some drunk dude lurches from the doorway and proceeds to face-off against my friend. The Buck, who stands about nine feet tall if he’s an inch, looked down to his nipples, which was about where our drunken interloper made it to, and laughed drunkenly. Note to self, never laugh at an angry drunk dude. This guy had taken offense at the Buck wearing a hula skirt, and wanted to make something of it. We didn’t know him, and he didn’t know us. And the hula skirt wasn’t that bad, honestly. For a moment, in a drunken moment of gayness, I thought about trying a move.

 

My kind of Bucks Night...

Now, I’d like to say that the dozen of us manned up and took this clown down to Chinatown, but before we could bear arms and send his testicles on holiday to his sphincter, the bouncer at the door made his move. Now, the bouncer was even bigger than my mate, the Buck. He was as wide as he was tall, and looked like he’d take on a bunch of Hell’s Angels and pick his teeth with their bone fragments. He grabbed this dude by the arm, and swung him around to face him. The drunk dude was about to launch an attach at the bouncer in retaliation when he suddenly he realized that he was physically outmatched. As the guy looked up into the face of the bouncer, I got the sense that his bowels had let go with fear, and piss began to run from his crotch. We just kept walking, and I don’t know how that little tete-a-tete ended up, but I like to think it involved a parking meter, several minutes of insertion, and a lovely amount of ass-banditry.

 

Allow me to introduce the Bar None's two bouncers, Fuck and You.

Mental note – always wear brown pants out for a night on the town: you never know when you’re going to shit yourself. If you feel angry about something, don’t start a fight at the bar. The bar-folk don’t give a shit what your problem is, they just want you to either buy more booze, or getthefuckout. No sense being there to be taught that lesson by some big hairy guy with more ink on his arms than a BIC employee. I’ve already written a short diatribe on the perils of being drunk out in public, but I wanted to reiterate it again specifically for the guys reading this. Guys, you don’t look good when you’re pissed. Unless you’re fucking Jack Sparrow or that guy from The Rolling Stones who looks like he died forty years ago and nobody told him. Don’t try it.

 

With enough time and energy, you too could look like this...

I only say all this because I’ve really got nothing more to add. I’ve blown my creative wad, so to speak, with my previous posts. So I’m just rambling. Rambling like the Crazy Cat Lady on The Simpsons, ‘cept I’m not crazy and I don’t have any cats. That I know of. My original idea was to write something pithy (no, not pissy with a lisp) about drink driving, about my unfulfilled fantasy about having sex with Mila Kunis, and even a tentative prod at my inability to coherently form a sentence without brackets. I promise, my next post here at the Bar will involve the tale of the blowjob I got while on air at a local radio station. For now, I write this simply to pass the time. I’m here waiting for something to happen.

 

I'd go there. I'd even climb over your corpse to do it.

Wait, there’s a knock at the door. I’ll go see who it is.

Nope, it’s just the neighbor wanting to know if I remember borrowing his garden clippers. Do I remember? Nahh. I remember breaking them and throwing them in the trash, but I’m not gonna admit that to him. I’ll just let him think I gave them back and he’s forgotten. Time for a glass of wine. Might help settle my lying nerves. What have we learned today? Yep, don’t borrow your neighbors garden clippers. Buy your own you cheap bastard.

Hot Rod Out.

12 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, D.R.I.N.K.E.R., Guest post, Humor, Mug Shot

March 27, 2011

Celeb Dregs of the Week: March 7 – March 21, 2011 (i’m pretty sure)

By Al K Hall

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

You know how you sit around your place thinking, “It could be worse, I could be Al”? Well, stop doing that for a sec and wonder on this for a spell: Who does Al say that about? Go ahead and stop fretting your pretty little heads about that already, though, ’cause these are some of the people i tell myself i could be worse than. Or whatever.

To kick off this mess, here’s a song straight from the juiced-box and dedicated to the not as straight Owen Wilson:  Reverend Horton Heat – Baby, I’m Drunk

[Press 'Play' for Owen's Son theme song.]

Celebrity Dregs

Times Are Hard (That's What She Said)

March 17: Owen Wilson Loves Babes

Seems Owen Wilson got one of his buddies pregnant and she dropped spawn January 14 this year. i’m betting he hung out with her and shot the shit and looked at his baby (and his watch) for a while. But you be knowin’ Owen and that boy is not a one-baby boy so just last week he was out drinking in a limo with a generous handful of other babes. Legal ones. And blonde. Back at his hotel. Must of rocked because went out and did it again the next night. Except turning the booze and the babes up a notch.

To be fair to Mr Wilson, i couldn’t find any evidence anywhere that Owen promised Jade Duell (28) anything more than a semen injection from his needle dick. So probably it’s cool if he’s out scoping babes rather than babies.

Jade Duell & Spawn

March 07: Nicolas Cage Fails Again To Impress Me

You gotta give him credit for trying to make an impression on my good side, but his recent shots missed the mark in a big way.

So Nick the Dick was celebrating the underwhelming 9th place opening weekend he had with his drunk Drive Angry movie which cost 50 million to make and so far has made only 1/5th of that which is so small there’s not even a key for it in WordPress. He got wasted in this poor restaurant and got in a fight and broke a window and the poh-poh shut him down by taking him back to his hotel for “his own insecurity”. Oops, i mean “his own security”.

You think that’s trippy, follow this link to a video of Cage-y drunk and obnoxious in Bucharest, Romania.

March 14: Alcohol Is STILL Tiger Woods’ Driving Force

i’m gonna keep bragging about this even after you get fed up of hearing about it and stop coming here. Way back in December of 2009 (what!?), i made the link between Tiger Woods and booze and i used up all my good golf-drinking puns, and the other ones too, so you should be safe here.

Anyway, Tiger has a new girlfriend (emphasis on ‘girl’): 22-year-old Alyse Lahti Johnston, making her younger than some of the scotch he also pounds. Yep, she’d be the one splashed across the wallpaper gracing the entry to the Bar None up top.

But what is it that ties one on between her and the booze in the Woods? Five months ago she was busted for drunk driving in…if it’s not Tennessee where is it? You got it: Florida. It looked something like this kind of ugly.

And here’s a link you should super look into because Starcasm.net put a lot more work into this than i could ever be bothered to. My favorite part is the police report where the cop says, “I asked her on a scale of zero to ten with zero being sober and ten being impaired where she would rate herself? She replied ‘fuckin’ 10′.” That’s calling ‘em as you kinda can’t see ‘em. Oh, and what was the damage? Before Tiger she was blowing 0.210.

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

10 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, Booze Nooze, Dregs of the Week, Humor

March 5, 2011

Christina Aguilera Breastalizers

By Al K Hall

Christina Aguilera in the Bar None

[Press 'Play' for how i like my martinis]

Drunk Riding

On March 1, 2011 Christina Aguilera and her breasts were arrested for public drunkenness. She took the twins out…for a night on the town with her new main squeeze, Matthew Rutler. Hold on a sec while i dig out my photo of ol’ Matt and post it over there on the left.

Seems the happy couple, along with Xtina and Matt, got sloshed in an upscale restaurant called Osteo Mama (or something) in LA. Everyone was enjoying so much wine that, according to TMZ, the waiter told a fan not to send more booze because the party was already “drinking one bottle of wine…maybe two.” Like a Bactrian camel (yep, the kind that has two humps), she suckled both bottles dry and continued on after the restaurant closed.

Apparently she holds her breaths better than her booze because when Matt was pulled over for drunk driving, even if he blew only .01% over the limit. They both got busted, pair of boobs that they are, him for DUI and her for public drunkenness which i was amazed to discover is still a crime in LA. She had to spend all night in the pokey and was released the next morning. The prosecutor said he will not press charges against her tits for tat.

i’m not politically correct enough for you? i don’t give a hooters. Let me just shake my magic wand more than twice and: ta tas! Christina Aguilera wallpaper and Drawer Shots.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

6 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, Booze Nooze, Humor, Mug Shot

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