Gettin’ a little sloppy with the dregs these last couple weeks. Too many dregs and not enough time to contain them. Like i got an eel up an ass, twin Mexican midget wrestlers, a drunk guy shooting off more than his mouth, sacrificial goat drunkards, numb anesthesiologists, bad Brandi, firerobbers, and oh so way too much more, like…
Cool Headlines is this Dregs’ mini-theme–’cause i’m gonna find a topic from now on for the dregs posts until i don’t feel like it anymore.
From the juiced-box and by request by In The Same Boat: Teenage Fanclub – Alcoholiday
With friends like these, who needs enemas. A 59-year-old Chinese guy passed out from too much drink so his friends decided to shove a 20-inch eel up his ass. Apparently this is what passes as a joke in China, at least until your buddy doesn’t wake up. Ever. Turns out the eel made sushi of the guy’s intestines, proving once again that it’s all fun and games until someone loses a bowel. Now that’s some sick shit.
Carolee Bildsten, a 56-year-old in Gurnee, Illinois loves crabs. She loves the crabs so much that she went to a crab shack (am i the only one who this makes think of My Name Is Earl?) one time and ran out on the bill and got away with it. But then she loved those damn crabs so much that she went back for seconds just a couple weeks after but got pinched. The staff remembered her and called the cops after she bailed and the cops caught up with her lazy ass as she lay passed out on the lawn of a nearby Six Flags fun park because it was apparently the most trailer park thing she could find in the area. She tells the arresting officer’s she’s got money in her dresser at home, so they take her there, she reaches deep into her drawers (in the dresser) and pulls out a “clear, rigid feminine pleasure device,” according to the po-po. Yes—first she stiffed the restaurant and now she wanted to shaft the police by attacking him with her dildo. Fortunately, she was too drunk to polish the cop off with it.
[AlKHallism: Special shout out to my brother and regular In The Same Boat who found this online and brought it into the Bar None.]
Is that a gun in your pants or you just shooting a wad? In Michigan, police got the call of a reported gunshot in a bar, but when they got there only the patrons were loaded. A little later, a guy goes to the emergency room with a gunshot wound to his groin and part of his scrotum missing. Turns out he went in half-cocked, and then left the same way.
Twin Mexican midget wrestlers got team tagged by fake prostitutes last year. Alberto and Alejandro Pérez Jiménez came up a little short when they picked up fake prostitutes that worked for the mob who drugged their alcoholic drinks [AlKHallism: yep, that'd be the reason it's here in the dregs]. It was a tall order, but apparently not that uncommon for the ladies. Only problem was, the chicks didn’t count on the midgets’ weight, and the dose that normally knocked out normal people was strong enough to floor the twins for life. Always look a gift whore in the mouth.
40,000 Indians got drunk at the Tildiha village temple in Bihar praying to Durga, the goddess. They all had to sacrifice their goats and everyone wanted to be first and so there was a stampede and 10 people’s goats got gotten. Don’t drink and devote, dudes.
Are you Finnish yet? Kimmo Wilska is a TV anchorman in a country called Finland that has absolutely no sun, no summer and no sense of humor. After doing a story about fines served to bars who had illegally sold booze, Wilska decided to brighten the somber land by pretending to stash a beer he was pretending to sip. The station fired him. He didn’t get his job back. Please don’t make me die and go to Finland.
Rosangel Tequila did a nice thing for breast cancer awareness and gays everywhere the other day in Las Vegas when they made a margarita with over 6000 bottles of pink tequila, setting a world record. Soon after that record, there were several others set, like largest ocean of fuchsia barf and biggest orgy of uni-breasted women with homosexual men.
A 200-milliliter bottle of 70-year-old scotch was lifted from the Stockholm Beer & Whiskey show. i confess: my friends stuck it up my rectum when i was Pabst out and when i woke up it was the shit. Someone get a cup and call Guiness because in about 20 minutes i’m gonna take the most expensive leak in history.
While i’m on the subject of stealing, these volunteer firefighters in British Columbia put out a hotel fire and heroically rescued several kegs of beer. The kegs were so grateful, they insisted the firefighters take them back to the station and give them mouth to mouth until they were drained. No charges will be pressed against these valiant Canadians.
Ashok V Padhiar, this anesthesiologist in Pennsylvania got busted last May for minding his own business, and by “minding his own business”, i mean anesthetizing himself into oblivion in the front seat of his car, which is his own business in just about every way you wanna take it. He was busted for drunk driving even if he wasn’t driving, but he was definitely drunk because his BAC was 0.26% which puts him 3 times over the legal limit to drive, and apparently the legal limit to sit passed out in your front seat.
“Yes, we were naked and drinking beer and listening to Bob Dylan on the front porch of our trailer at the lion and tiger sanctuary. But we didn’t run around, you can’t pin that on us.” This is what Jake Loftis and Samuel Adams told authorities. See, some other dudes were putting in an air conditioner on the giant pussy farm where they worked and these other dudes stole $180 bucks cash. So Sam & Jake reported them but the other guys said they saw bongs and shit in Sam & Jake’s place, so the boss fired Sam & Jake. To fight this (and mostly just to prove they were alkie asshats), the boys got drunk and decided on a protest that turned out to be a big boner. i wonder if there were any Cougars on the pussy ranch.
From the juiced-box: Demi Lovato – La La Land
[Press 'Play' for where you'll find Demi]
i’ve decided to take the high road as opposed to the “high” road on this one. It’d be all easy for me make all these sexual innuendo’s about her being so young but of age and drunk and i could probably work in some Disney puns as well (The Lyin’ Queen, The Little Barmaid, Malice in Wonderland and that took just 5 minutes; imagine if i tried!). Miss D has been yelling at me for being too cruel on these poor little bitch girls and to be honest, with most of her shit hitting the fan before she became an “adult”, i wouldn’t feel good about trashing Demi and a half when she’s down. So, i’ll just say i feel bad for Demi Lovato who has a lot of issues she’s working through and i sincerely wish her the best and hope she gets some of her problems resolved in rehab. Good luck and be strong, petite fille.
There’s this guy no one’s ever heard of named Eddie Cibrian who’s on this show no one’s ever watched called Northern Lights. Shitbrain married a makeup “artist” (a Picasso of the compact, no doubt; you should see her “rouge” period) no one ever heard of called Brandi Glanville. They had kids no one will ever hear of and then he left his wife for another chick, an actress on his show no one ever heard of called LeAnnRimes. Anyway, Brandi got busted for DUI, though no one cared enough to note what her BAC was.
A Major thanks to Wayne Buchanan and In The Same Boat who have been good enough to help me fill in the dregs this week. Their tireless work for nothing more than virtual free drinks at the Bar None is much appreciated. For anyone who finds themselves reading this, if you come across any news that’s shit to print, please feel free to contact me through my Facebook page. And don’t forget to friend me. i’ll get on your case as soon as i’m able.