Christina Jeffs 09 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview with Christina Jeffs

Christina Jeffs 01 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

There are tons of ways to get lucky, and they’re all good. Proof of that is how i got lucky with Christina Jeffs.

Who is Christina Jeffs? What if i told you she went by ‘Venice’ in Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street? Remember Venice? The hot blonde dominatrix who used Leonardo Di Caprio’s ass as a candle holder? The one whose name he called out in his sleep and triggered the demise of his marriage? We all dream of being in Venice at least once in our short lives and that’s one definition of getting lucky. When i say i got lucky with Christina, however, i don’t mean i navigated her canal with my gondola, just that she agreed to an interview with me, your tender bartender.

i was waist deep in some Parisian whorehouse, lost and struggling to find the door. Pimps sporting berets and stained sailor shirts joined the heavy whores with crooked hair and wobbly heels drinking toasts in the search party sent to have me tossed from the brothel for sex crimes of the heart because we just can’t have me falling in love with every skinny, doe-eyed strumpet that comes prematurely anywhere near me. i was hiding under the blanket smells of rich desserts and perfume as cheap as a half price harlot, cowering in the self-service elevator and praying that i would somehow be able to escape the brothel with my virtue intact and my virginity found.

Suddenly the doors slid opened and i feared the worst but saw the best, Christina Jeffs had penetrated the dark recesses of the bordello to rescue me from my pursuers who reeked of stinky cheese and dirty panties. She flicked her whip and the leather strap wrapped around my neck so that she could lead me away like a dog on a leash to the safety of a closet bathroom where she plopped down on a rusty bidet and caught my breath.

“Christina Jeffs? The super hot actress who starred all over The Wolf of Wall Street? While we hide out here, can i ask you a few questions for the patronizers of the Bar None?” And she, the sweet petite potato freak that she is, said yes.

Christina Jeffs 02 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

Al K Hall: “Christina” is a great name. 

Christina Jeffs: Is it?? Thank you. You are the first person to ever compliment my name!

Al K Hall: Babe, stay with me and i’ll compliment things you didn’t even know you had. It’s such a great name, i bet no one ever gave you any nicknames, right?

Christina: Some people call me CJ, Ceej, Xtina, the Sex Unicorn.

Al K Hall: Sounds horny. Speaking of hot, you used to live L. A.  and commute between there and New York. That sounds more tiring than cleaning hotel rooms under a black light.

Christina: I was just doing the things that people do in their 20s: having a great time, doing weird jobs, staying in relationships 2 years longer than I should have. THE USUAL.

Al K Hall: Really, though, is there a difference between the towns?

Christina: Well, in NY you can start drinking at noon or whenever you want, really, because you don’t have to drive anywhere, and in LA you start drinking later because you have to figure what you’re doing with your car and how many stops, and traffic, and you know–it’s a big to-do figuring out what time you’re allowed to start drinking.

Al K Hall: What’s something i’d only find about you when you were drunk?

Christina: Was I supposed to start drinking at the beginning of this interview so I could properly answer this?? I’ll start now. [She reaches down the front of her dress and pulls out this gleaming bottle of Strawberry Tequila Rose cream liqueur and starts sucking. ]

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Al K Hall: Damn, you’re going at that like a babe. Something tells me tequila isn’t your only vice. What else you got?

Christina:  Tequila, gluten….is Instagram a vice?

Al K Hall: It is the way i do it. i don’t know, though. i find it hard to believe a girl as sexy and gifted as you has enough downtime for the internet. Seriously, you have boring evenings?

Christina: A boring evening for me would be, like, a bad bad date. Like, a date with someone who doesn’t know how to converse.

Al K Hall: Hey, me converse goodly.

Christina: Or someone who takes you to their house and watches you while you watch their pilot–

Al K Hall: You babysit pilots?

Christina: –NOT because you asked to see it.

Al K Hall: Ah, TV lingo.

Christina: Or someone who asks you to drive across town, shows up 25 minutes late, and then makes you split the bill. Like, do one of those things, but not all three, right???

Al K Hall: Sorry, i was having my brain washed that day. Never happen again.

Christina: So, ya, being in boring company is boring, but it can make for great material!

Al K Hall: Agreed. Let’s just hook up on Instagram.

Christina:  If that doesn’t work, check Erewhon. I go there way too much.

Al K Hall: Is that because you like French fries weirdly a lot? Seriously, what’s up with you and French fries?

Christina Jeffs 05 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

Christina: I just love them.

Al K Hall: What’s your secret recipe?

ChristinaIf I did make them at home I would use this recipe.

Al K HallDo you have any fry burns in the shape of Jesus?

Christina: I don’t want to disappoint you by answering this question.

Al K Hall: Trust me, the only way you could disappoint me would be to marry me.

Christina: No, none of my scars are cool. They are all from curling irons, and toasters, and, like, falling on the treadmill. I’m hoping they fade soon. They’re ruining the landscape of my largest organ.

Christina Jeffs 06 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')Al K Hall: You have a penis, too? Doesn’t make you any less hot, regardless. Is it a problem being hot and funny, though? Like people look at you and say, “Oh, you’re so attractive, you can’t possibly be funny on purpose”?

Christina: They don’t say those exact words, but I have heard, “You don’t look funny,” a lot recently.

Al K Hall: Strange, i get that all the time.

Christina: It is never specified that I don’t “look funny” because I am attractive–so we can’t assume–but either way it’s kind of dumb. No one would say to a funny looking person who isn’t funny, “BUT YOU LOOK FUNNY! WHY AREN’T YOU FUNNY!”

Al K Hall: Maybe not, but when people tell me i’m funny, i always say, “Looks aren’t everything.” But we’re drifting away from you and your hotness. Does a girl as talented and beautiful as you have any downtime?

Christina: [Laughing with modesty] Ha! No. Being talented and being beautiful are two of the most grueling, time-consuming activities EVER, and together they take up all of my time. I literally don’t do anything else.

Al K Hall: But we both know that’s not 100% true, don’t we. For example, you play the triangle and the tambourine. Which is harder?

Christina: I gotta go with triangle. I don’t know why.

Al K Hall: Did you let Iggy Pop play your triangle? ‘Cause you toured with him, am i right?

Christina: Who told you that!

Al K Hall: Not important. That one cute friend of yours who now mysteriously has no toenails on her left foot. But is it true?

Christina: Ya, kind of. I was a back up singer in my friend’s band and we were on a mini-tour with Mr. Pop. I was like, “Well, when else am I gonna go play Lollapalooza and go on tour with Iggy Pop? Probably never.” So I did it.

Al K Hall: Did you just call him “Mr. Pop”? You are so fucking adorable! Did he give you your start in “the business”?

Christina: Am I officially in “the business”? I feel like I am just starting. I have no idea what I’m doing.

Al K Hall: I don’t know about that, you sure know your way around the business end of a candle.

Christina: My first jobs were for The Onion News Network TV Show, and 2 Broke Girls. I just auditioned for those, and before that I just did stuff for free, and people I worked with became friends, and then they would recommend me to their friends, and I think that’s pretty much how it works forever.

Al K Hall: Like your comedy show with Risa Sarachan?

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Christina Jeffs & Risa Sarachan doing research

Christina: Yes, very much so. We went to NYU together, and had a lot of mutual friends. I was a fan of hers, turns out we both wanted to work on something together, we had some ideas, and then we made them happen!

Al K Hall: Where do you make them happen?

Christina: We have a YouTube Channel, and We’re working on a pilot. It’s pretty fun. And weird.

Al K Hall: Will you make me watch it, and watch me watch it when i do? ‘Cause you should’ve seen me watch you in The Wolf of Wall Street. i watched the shit out of you. You play a dominatrix called Venice…is that typecasting?

Christina: It is definitely NOT typecasting. I am the worst dominatrix. I apologized profusely after every take while peeling the wax of Leo’s back.

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Al K Hall: Mmmm, i bet you did a lot of research for a long time.

Christina: Um, i did NO research on dominatrices because it was a last minute decision by Sandy Powell, the costume designer, to make me a dominatrix.

Al K Hall: Really?

Christina: I was supposed to be naked.

Al K Hall: Let’s do that scene right now, shall we? i’ve got the will if you’ve got three minutes. i might be able to make it up to 3 and ½ but don’t hold your breath. No? Have it your way. You were talking about Sandy the costume designer…

Christina: Right before I was supposed to rehearse, Sandy’s assistant came into the hair and makeup trailer, and he was like, “There’s discussion about your costume, we might need a more fierce makeup look”. I was like, “Um, whut costume?”

Al K Hall: Because naked.

Christina: So I go in, and she was like, “I have this Thierry Mugler bodysuit from 1992 I’ve been dying to use in the movie, and I feel like this is it’s moment. If there’s a candle and wax involved, I feel like he [Leonardo DiCaprio’s character, Jordan Belfort] called you to perform this specific service.” And I was like, “Perfect.” Then someone is like, “Well, Marty just has to approve it.” And she was like, “He’ll do whatever I want.” Because she’s a badass. But we still showed it to him, and he thought it was great so it stayed.

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Al K Hall: How do you describe that scene to people who haven’t seen it?

Christina: “I sodomize Leo with a candle. / I extract a candle from Leo’s ass. / I engage in light anal play with Leo. / I abuse Leo and his anus.” Anything along those lines.

Al K Hall: Works for me. Did you use a real candle on Leo’s real back?

Christina: Ya, it was a Japanese wax drip candle, but it was still super hot, and he was actually in pain.

Al K Hall: i bet he wanted to keep going even after the scene.

Christina: He watched the takes after every scene.

Al K Hall: Really? He wasn’t all over you like hot actresses on free French fries?

Christina: I think the best way to describe him is SUPES PROFESH.

Al K Hall: That’s my favorite stripper’s name! What was the shoot like?

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Christina: So so so fun. Marty was giggling the whole time–were all cracking up because candles in the ass are hilarious.

Al K Hall: Ass candles are the origin of the expression “butt of the joke”, in fact.

Christina: Everyone was so cool. I felt like a part of the gang for a minute. The propmaster had been with Marty since Good Fellas, and he was telling me stories. We talked a lot because he was helping me handle the candles.

Al K Hall: i bet he was. Speaking of, how was Martin Scorsese to work with?

Christina: Adorable.

Al K Hall: Did you call him “Marty”?

Christina: I called him “Marty” in my mind, and then ever since I shot the scene I’ve acted like we’re best friends, and I call him “Marty” whenever I talk about him. SO, I guess the answer to that is “no”.

Al K Hall: Was he all nervous and jumpy on the set?

Christina: He wasn’t nervous, he just giggled. Maybe it was nervous giggles, I don’t know! I have to say though, there are few things that make you feel better than making Scorsese laugh so hard that he collapses and rolls around on a bed. Was that a humblebrag? Hang on. I’m playing a drinking game with myself where I have to do a shot every time I humblebrag.

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Al K Hall: Maybe you should do a double shot, then. Do you still have nightmares about his eyebrows?

Christina: No! I love a thick brow! I wish mine were bigger like young Brooke Shields! BACK TO ME! AND MY EYEBROWS!

Al K Hall: AND THE BOOZE! Because this is for the Bar None, i gotta ask if there was a wrap party.

Christina: Like, beyond my personal wrap party where I drank my margarita and cried into my guacamole for 5 for 1 because I was sad to be done? Probably, but I wasn’t invited.

Al K Hall: Damn but i love a good guac. In a gross miscarriage of judgment, you weren’t nominated for an Academy Award.

Christina: WHAT?!

Al K Hall: How pissed off are you?


Al K Hall: Now’s your chance: i present you with your Oscar, what do you say in your speech?

Christina: I probably just cry and think of great things to say, and people I forgot to thank as soon as I get off stage.

Al K Hall: Anyway, now that The Wolf of Wall Street is going to make you an international star–

Christina: –ha–

Al K Hall: –what do you have your sights set on?

Christina: I want to play Jason Mantzoukas‘ love interest in The League.

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Al K Hall: You’re too good for him. Plus, after this chat, no one will be able to get enough of you so what’s the best way to get the most of you?

Christina: For immediate, consistent stuff, you can subscribe to my YouTube channel! I just put out a movie about Ranch dressing, and I have a bunch more coming up. [AlKHallism: i just watched the Ranch Documentary and lloled (literally laughed out loud)–you’ve got to see the Wine with Ranch scene, especially as i’m thinking about adding that to the menu.]

Al K Hall: Because you gave me the idea for Ranch wine for the Bar None, it think it’s only fair we cut right to the Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like filming a nude scene…because that’s what i’ll be doing. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Christina: Tequila / rocks / lime.

Al K Hall: When was the last time you had a hangover?

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Christina:  March 11th because march 10th was my birthday.

Al K Hall: Happy birthday! And speaking of, what’s your favorite swear word? Do you swear? A lot?

Christina:  I swear so fucking much. I think my favorite word is “fuck”.

Al K Hall: Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Christina: Your MYSTERY! And your great taste in minor characters in The Wolf of Wall Street.

Al K Hall: Tell me something i don’t know!

Christina: Ranch dressing was the first dairy-based dressing that was shelf stabilized. Clorox bought the recipe for the dressing for 8 million dollars in 1972–it was just buttermilk, mayonnaise, and herbs–from Hidden Valley Ranch, and then they tweaked the recipe with the right chemicals so that people could enjoy it long after it hit the shelves. It was an instant hit, and it’s still the nation’s #1 dressing.

Al K Hall: Any last words?


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She’s hotter than bacon, y’all

And with that, she yanked my chain and pulled me out of les toilettes. With her innate sense of Parisian bordellos, she successfully evaded our pursuers by smelling their cheese sweats until, like most things French, they decided to surrender and accept their fate with a  philosophical abandon and a bottle of cheap wine. 

A Smoke

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Which, tragically, brings this interview to an end. Let me just remind you that, to my great chagrin, Christina and i were never together in a French maison close, or anywhere else on this physical plane. Our entire interview was conducted via email and though i changed a lot of shit up to make my parts more interesting, i left her words exactly as she sent them because why tamper with perfection?

i’d like to thank Christina Jeffs for being such a good sport about this and putting up with all my bullshit. It’s a lot to ask from anyone, yet Christina was inordinately generous, especially during this busy period in TV / pilot land. If anyone asks you about Christina Jeffs, tell them that in addition to being spectacularly beautiful, she’s SUPES PROFESH (and not in the stripper sense).

Christina Jeffs 16 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

Maura Grierson 04 RoboCop (AlKHall Booze Talkin Bar None)Maura Grierson 04 RoboCop (AlKHall Booze Talkin Bar None)

The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview with Maura Grierson

Maura Grierson 01 (AlKHall Booze Talkin Bar None)

Maura Grierson 02 (AlKHall Booze Talkin Bar None)

You know how i saw RoboCop before any of y’all did because it came out 2 days early here compared to the States? Well, we could weigh the pro and cons of this until the cows come home and ask us what we’re doing trying to place theoretical concepts on a bathroom scale but i think all of us can agree–cows included–that the real reason everyone is jealous of me is that i got to discover Maura Grierson 2 days before the rest of the world and that means i’m 2 days ahead in the Maura appreciation department. Not only did i discover her first, i also got to interview her about her role as the journalist in RoboCop and tons of other stuff at least as interesting. Read on, if you don’t believe me…

It was the craziest thing, I was sitting in the back of a limousine, sipping gulps from a real glass on my way to accept the Global Award for Sarcastic Humor to acknowledge my generous contributions to the universe of the Internets. i won’t lie, the G.A.S.H. i was about to get excited me and i wondered what it would look like and how it would feel and if i would polish it as often as i did my knob (the brass one that matches my balls). Just when i was trying to decide what to do with the G.A.S.H. when i got it home, the limo stopped so suddenly i sloshed my virgin Grey Goose and coke. The back door flew open and in slid what will momentarily come to be known as the new standard for universal beauty.

This incredible blonde reached for my knob (the plastic one on the radio) and turned up Arcade Fire’s “Reflektor”, ’cause she’s all about the radio. As a matter of fact, i of course recognized Maura Grierson right away from all the radio work she does. 

“Maura Grierson! Famous sexy woman and funny girl! Wow, they really bent their backs overboard for this thing. Imagine, me being interviewed by Maura Grierson!”

“Oh Al,” she said with that way she has, you know that way, the one that says it all in only two words, “you were sent to interview me, you sad, egotistical, teetotaling son of a beach bum. ”

Al K Hall: Damn, i guess that means no GASH for me tonight. Once again, i’ll come home empty handed, so to speak. But enough about my hand, this interview is all about the ‘Maura’. Speaking of, did your parents name you ‘Maura’ because “That’s less for you and Maura for me?” Or wait, “The Maura the better,” right?

Maura Grierson: [She shot me that look she has–you know the one–the one that says, “shut up”.] “Maura” is Gaelic for “Mary”. But alas, “Maura” easily gets mistaken for “Moira” or “Laura”.

Maura Grierson 06 (AlKHall Booze Talkin Bar None)

Al K Hall: Maybe you should work on getting a fresh name?

Maura: When I’m feeling particularly fresh I go by ‘Mo G’, but only a select few know this.

Al K Hall: Got it. You can trust me, i’ll keep that secret to my grave. Like your address.

Maura: I live in Toronto now, but was born in Guelph.

Al K Hall: Whoa, was that a wet burp or are you just happy to taste that drink again? “Guelph” sounds really freaking Canadian, though. Like what’s something super Canadian about you?

Maura: I went to university in Montreal and it was there that I learned overalls shouldn’t be worn to the bar. Funny, overalls are now back in style… so looks like I wasn’t so off point.

Maura Grierson 07 (AlKHall Booze Talkin Bar None)

Al K Hall: Like you could ever be off point about anything. As far as setting fashion trends, how do the cool kids like you get their kicks?

Maura: I usually play with Jerry for a bit.

Al K Hall: And Jerry’s what you call your…

Maura: Jerry’s my new kitten. ;-)

Al K Hall: That’s what i meant, but what about the hard partying life of a rock and roll queen?

Maura: I get up super early for my radio gig so I’m a bit of a nerd weeknights. I like to be in bed by 9:30. Weekend evenings must involve food with friends, then I’m happy.

[Press ‘Play’ for “Happy”, by Pharrell Williams, a song Maura herself requested from the Juiced-box]

Al K Hall: Yeah, “happy”. i bet you are. What’s something you do when you get a get a few bottles’ worth of “happy”?

Maura: I can balance a pint full of beer on my head for as long as you ask me to.

Al K Hall: Better be careful, i can ask people to do stuff for a long time. Is beer the secret to your amazing sense of humor?

Maura: I’m the baby of a 5-kid family. We were loud at dinner tables and verbal abuse was encouraged and considered hilarious the harsher it got. I steal most of my material from my older brothers who are the funniest people I’ve ever met.

Maura Grierson 09 (AlKHall Booze Talkin Bar None)

Al K Hall: Yeah, but looks aren’t everything. While we’re on the subject of looks, i’d love to see more of your sparkly pants dance like in your “Showhouse Showdown” clip on YouTube. Where would a guy be able to find something like that?

Maura: Oh yes! Check out this  for a break-dancing vignette entitled ‘Maura Grierson Break Dancing’ and thank me later.

Al K Hall: Hell, i’ll thank you now and avoid the rush. That was crazy good, emphasis on the ‘crazy’. How’d you get a start in the break dancing radio business?

Maura: I have always known I wanted to be a performer. As long as I’m on the mic, or in front of a camera I’m happy.

Al K Hall: Which is cooler, the mic or the camera?

Maura:  In radio, you can show up in whatever outfit you want, with no make-up and crazy hair and still put on a great show. In film and TV there are all those extra hours just getting ready to look the part before you even begin to do the work. But I love it all.

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Maura Grierson with Lady Gaga

Al K Hall: You host the show Battle of the Blades which as near as i can tell is like a Dancing with Stars on ice skates because it’s Canadian. Don’t you freeze your balls off? Metaphorically?

Maura: I got to be a part of Season 3 of BOTB. I was a competitive figure skater for most of my life and often wondered when I moved on from the sport if I’d ever use what I learned on the ice. When the opportunity came along to work on Battle of the Blades, it seemed like the perfect combination of all of my skill sets. It was awesome to be on the ice again.

Al K hall: That explains so much about your moves. And how you have the poise for the beer on the head thing. Was skating hard?

Maura: 6 am practices 6 days a week for most of my life!

Al K Hall: Jesus, sounds like you’ll take any job as long as you can wake up early in the morning. Were you an early bird to get the worm in RoboCop? If memory serves, your first scene is also the first in the film. You’re a reporter on the scene in Iran with Samuel L Jackson in ‘the studio’. So the shoot was like a real life Argo, i bet.

Maura Grierson 04 RoboCop (AlKHall Booze Talkin Bar None)Maura Grierson 04 RoboCop (AlKHall Booze Talkin Bar None)

Maura Grierson in RoboCop

Maura: The scene in Iran was actually shot on a huge outdoor set in Toronto.

Al K Hall: No! Next you’re gonna say the presentation of RoboCop to the public wasn’t filmed in Detroit…

Maura Grierson 05 RoboCop (AlKHall Booze Talkin Bar None)

Maura Grierson still in RoboCop

Maura: The Mayor’s presentation of RoboCop was shot at a building at the University of Toronto. They flew me to Vancouver as well for a few scenes.

Al K Hall: You jet setter, you. But the booze, babe: was there a wrap party?

Maura: Yes, there was a wrap party! But I was on my best behavior.

Al K Hall: Wow, what’s that like? ‘Course i’m internationally unknown for being on my best misbehavior, so to each his own, i guess. Obviously, you know how to act in all situations, so if a casting agent or director or whatever is reading this, what’s the best way to contact you?


Maura Grierson 08 (AlKHall Booze Talkin Bar None)

A lucky fan @the Toronto Beer Festival

Al K Hall: Now it’s time for the dreaded Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like my virginity: awkward but the trauma will fade with time. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Maura: Red wine.

Al K Hall: To match your eyes, right? No? OK, moving right along. When was the last time you had a hangover?

Maura: I’m pretty good at avoiding those these days, thank god!

Al K Hall: That’s what they all say, and then they wake up under an overpass with puke on the only shoe they have left. Oh wait, that was just me. Speaking of, what’s your favorite thing about me?

Maura: That you live in [Yeaman]! Great choice.

Al K Hall: Ah well, you know, you don’t choose Yeaman, Yeaman chooses you.

Just at that precise moment, the limo pulled to a complete stop in front of the red carpet. i tried to get out and walk it with Maura but cops were on me faster than penicillin on syphilis, so you’re going to have to be satisfied in knowing that from here Maura went on to become the international superstar that stole our hearts. 

A Smoke

That ends the entertainment portion of our show. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, this whole exchange in the limo never really took place because i never really met Maura face to face. The entire interview was done through e-mail, and while i rearranged and reworked my questions, her answers remain untouched and exactly as she sent them to me.

Maura Grierson 10 (AlKHall Booze Talkin Bar None)

i owe a big debt of gratitude (which is all i can afford) to Maura for taking the time out of her busy schedule to do this. She graciously accepted my request for an interview…which we knocked out in 2 days because she was pressed for time to get to the RoboCop World Premiere in Los Angeles. While i took my sweet time editing and blowing off, she made a huge effort to entertain us here at the Bar None, so y’all should be grovelling, too. Thanks Maura, for rocking it the hard way.

Signing off, here’s another of the songs she chose from the juiced-box: Souls Of Mischief – From 93 Till Infinity

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.


Bieber Drunk in the Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Nooze)

Bieber Drunk in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a WallpaperJustnie

i heard the news today, and, oh boy, i’m at a loss. As a Functional Alcoholic Slurperson (Temporal) and tender bartender here at the Bar None, i’d like to take this opportunity to make an official statement in support of Justin Bieber and against the hyena’s arrest.

Justin Bieber 03 Mug Shot (AlKHall Bar None Booze Nooze Dregs)

The Bar None is protesting the arrest of Justin Bieber and, not just Miss Bieber but the incarceration of all little girls throughout the world. What kind of police state are we living in when a little girl can be stopped by the police and thrown in prison? What if she has her first period in jail? Will the wardens teach her how to use a tampon? i don’t think so. What if her boobs start growing behind bars, is there such a thing as a prison issue training bra ? i would bet there isn’t.

Justin Bieber 01 Training Bra (AlKHall Bar None Booze Nooze Dregs)

i’m sure that there’s a good explanation as to why Miss Bieber consumed alcohol. It’s our understanding that she was at a birthday party with her other girlfriends just before, so maybe a prankster poured vodka in her apple juice. As for driving the race car, in her addled condition, she no doubt mistook the Lamborghini for a Disney ride and was probably more frightened than anyone when the police helped her bring the car to a stop.

The point is this, a wee lass’s business is not police business. Childhood can not be regulated. Let little Justin’s parents worry about her education, for lest we forget, he is someone’s daughter.

Justin Bieber 02 little girl (AlKHall Bar None Booze Nooze Dregs)

Justin Bieber 05 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Nooze Dregs)

Justin Bieber 4 J&B (AlKHall Bar None Booze Nooze Dregs)

The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview with Noa Lindberg

Noa Lindberg 01 (Bar None Booze Talkin' AlKHall)

[AlKHallism: All photos link to either Noa’s IMDB page or her Facebook page.]

Here’s a killer song to kick off an interview with: Deep Dish – Say Hello

[Press ‘Play’ to Say Hello to  Noa with a song she herself requested]

What’s the biggest blockbuster so far this year? Iron Man 3. And just what is busting Iron Man’s block? What is the spark in his plug? What actress is responsible for his interplanetary success? You may think i’m too far gone but i’m still here to tell you it’s Noa Lindberg, who wore the coveted role of ‘Michele Cusick’ like a hot, tailor made  suit.

As if all that weren’t enough, she’s one of the most gracious women i’ve ever had the pleasure of not really knowing and if you ask me how i know this i’ll tell you it’s because she agreed to do an interview right here in the Bar None. Go ahead and don’t believe me like you always do but stay where you are because if you keep on reading you’ll see me put my funny where my mouth is.

Noa Lindberg 02 (Bar None Booze Talkin' AlKHall)

There i was, lost at the wrong end of a bad weekend in some backroom outside Havana, and when i say i was lost i mean i was lost in a poker game to some mustachioed señora card shark who wore tablecloths sewn together and sandals made from shoe boxes. i didn’t have enough money to cover my losses so i was about to become some communist’s bottom bitch when Noa Lindberg magically arrived out of the cigar smoke that parted like curtains when she sat down at the table.

Noa told me i looked spayed and it’s true i wanted to die-man, but she had a big heart and fought for me in that club. The house was full, i felt flush and she had a beautiful pair but unfortunately didn’t want to play “hold ’em”, she just wanted to play her hearts out for me and i was lucky the others were higher than the stakes but even luckier that Noa had great hands that quickly led me out of the hole i’d dug myself into.

She collected me because i felt cashed and i begged her to let me interview her there in the front seat of the 1956 Chevy Bel Air she drove me away in. Gracious as she is talented, she said ‘Yes’. 

Noa Lindberg 03 (Bar None Booze Talkin' AlKHall)

Al K Hall: “Noa” is such a pretty name…

Noa Lindberg: Thank you very much, Al. Noa is an Israeli name that comes from the Bible.

Our Getaway Vehicle

Our Getaway Vehicle

Al K Hall: Not the guy with the ark?

[Noa has mad driving skills tearing through the back streets of Havana and i know they’re the back streets because Havana has no front streets but this doesn’t keep her from carrying on the interview.]

Noa: Noa was the youngest of Zelophehad’s 5 daughters, who are known as the first feminists in History. They petitioned Moses for their right, as women, to inherit property.

Al K Hall: And now you own my heart. [Note: She does not throw up at this. i repeat, she does not throw up.] You’ve come a long way, baby. Like Israel, where you were born. Is it as cool as it looks?

Noa Lindberg 05 (Bar None Booze Talkin' AlKHall)

Noa candidly

Noa: I have and will always keep a special place for Israel in my heart. It is such a beautiful, charming, diverse, multicultural and – hard to believe but true – peaceful country.

Al K Hall: Oh, i believe it. i’ve been to Detroit.

Noa: You can feel history in every corner of a street. Anyone who has the chance to visit, should not hesitate. Our house was facing the Mediterranean Sea. The waves were the first and last thing I would hear and see in the morning and at night.

Al K Hall: Sounds just like Yeamen. Except for the waves and beach. But i hear and see things all the time here, in the morning and the night. Which you probably did in France after you lived there, right?

Noa: I lived in Paris until I finished my Masters in Law and Business.

Al K Hall: Now i’m starting to see why you’re so good at gambling. But Paris must’ve been cool.

Noa: My favorite part of living there was probably having my Mom with me at all times! I also loved that everything was close-by and that in just a couple of hours I was in London or any other European capital!

Al K Hall: Or Miami? How did you wind up there? What does Miami have that Paris doesn’t?

Noa: The weather! Paris is great for education–to my opinion probably one of the best systems in the world. Europe in general has so much culture. But it was time to move on. I was born in a warm country, in a beach town after all. And Miami did it for me.

Al K Hall: Wow, i wish i was Miami.

[Speaking of the Maimi vibe, this  is the song that comes on the radio during our daring Cuban getaway. Fragma – Tocas Miracle, which is Cuban for “The Virgin’s face on my taco shell”.]

Noa: The U.S. is a country of opportunities. If you have the skills, talent, qualities, focus, a little luck, and of course you are willing to work, you can make it!

Al K Hall: That’s why i had to move to Yeamen. But before i make a fool of myself and beg you to run away with me, or at least not run away from me, any husbands / boyfriends i should know about?

Noa: All I will say is: He is my soul mate and my #1 fan!

Al K Hall: I’ll give you “soul mate”, but as for #1 fan…there’s a long line. He may have to take a number. What about tattoos? Any cool scars?

Noa: No tattoos, but definitely some badass scars! On the left corner of my left eye, my left eyebrow, my left knee, my left ankle… My right side is pretty intact though!

Noa Lindberg 04 (Bar None Booze Talkin' AlKHall)

Al K Hall: And your left side isn’t doing so bad, either. When you’re not getting scarred up, what does a girl as talented and beautiful as you do in your downtime?

Noa: First of all thank you for all the compliments, I’m blushing! I’ve learned from past experience that it is important and healthy to take some time off, to clear the mind. I’m never bored, but a typical chill evening would involve my man, a blanket, a glass of wine, popcorn with extra butter and a movie.

Al K Hall: Sounds great! i’ll have to try it sometime. Just let me know the next time your man is free. Or maybe we could play poker for him?

Noa Lindberg 06 (Bar None Booze Talkin' AlKHall)

A Hot Track

Noa: You probably don’t want to play me at poker. No, you do not. Or just give me the money now, so at least the one thing you won’t lose is your time, ha ha. I also discovered a new hobby. I’m totally into Go-Kart now and I’m really competitive.

Al K Hall: So if i’m in Florida for a day, where would be a good place for me to ‘track’ you down? [Oh please, like you expect better from me.]

Noa: After a casting, I usually go to Dunkin’ Donuts, order my latte and toasted croissant with cream cheese, and sit down at my usual table by the window. If that table isn’t available, which happened only once so far, I’m totally lost!

Al K Hall: Next time just give me a call–i’ve got some smells that will clear anyone away. Other than Dunkin’ Donuts, what are you favorite vices?

Noa: Big Mac with extra Big Mac sauce and a Cuban Colada! I’m always loaded on Colada on set.

[AlKHallism: ‘Colda’ is not booze! True Story. It’s the Cuban version of espresso and is what’s fueling my rescuer as she careens out of the city.]


Cuban Colada

Al K Hall: Babe! Tell me something i don’t know?

Noa: I am pretty much addicted to South Park and can totally recite close to complete episodes of the show. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are completely twisted, pure genius.

Al K Hall: Was it Cartman who made you decide to try your hand, and all the rest of you, at acting? 

Noa: When I was a kid, the energy at home was pretty heavy, so I started to watch comedian stand-up shows. After a couple of times, I would already remember the text. I gave a try at performing it to my family and it would make them laugh a lot. They seemed to forget about all the rest, the issues or tensions around. They looked happy and that would make me happy. So I kept on. I noticed that performing and acting would entertain the people around me and I loved the feeling of being a partial reason for their moment of happiness.

Al K Hall: i bet you spread happiness like bacon flavored peanut butter wherever you go, Noa. You have the gift.

Noa: I’ve always been very creative and willing to express it. There are so many decisions you can make when you get a script. You are the creator of the character. Every word, every look, every gesture has a purpose. Acting is lots of work. It’s Art, and it’s an Art I love!

Al K Hall: Speaking of art, your first role was in a French film called Vidocqas a Virgin sold off by her parents. Was this typecasting?

Noa Lindberg 07 (Bar None Booze Talkin' AlKHall)

Good Vibes

Noa: Well, I was about 16 years old back then! I was indeed a virgin.

Al K Hall: Wait, what’s the opposite of TMI? NMI? Need More Information.

Noa: Hey, I was a good girl! I mean I am a good girl. Anyway, my mom would have never sold me.

Al K Hall: You were probably out of my price range anyway.

Noa: Actually, during the shoot, Pitof, the director, said that I should be particularly expensive and kept adding coins for the transaction scene. It sounds completely psycho, but wasn’t there a girl who sold her virginity for a million bucks on eBay or something?

Al K Hall: Careful, that’s my future wife you’re talking about–if the check clears. You also starred in the full length film Equal Strength. How did that come about?

Noa: Equal Strength was a fabulous experience. It was indeed the very first feature film I had the lead role in. I remember I almost didn’t go to the casting because I didn’t have an up-to-date résumé and headshot back then. I followed my guts, and I went and did a cold read as the sides were given directly at the audition. After my performance, I apologized for not having my headshot and résumé, but Ika Santamaria, the director of the film, said, “Don’t worry, I’ll remember you.”

Al K Hall: To be fair to the rest of the world, i bet you hear that a lot. But you killed the audition, basically.

Noa Lindberg 08 (Bar None Booze Talkin' AlKHall)

Noa: I felt confident and left. I was requested to the callback, and was booked as Eva Williams! It was a very special project called “Movie Painting”, as the film was created with brainstorming and written along the shooting. When we started, we did not necessarily know where the story was going, which made it even a bigger challenge.

Al K Hall: Sounds like my sex life.

Noa: I love the result.

[Speaking of my sex life, here’s a song called ‘Silence’ by Delerium (featuring Sarah McLachlan) that comes out of the mono speaker on the Chevy’s dash as we hideout next to a dumpster behind a tequilera. Strangely enough, it also happens to be a song Noa digs.]

Al K Hall: Wait–what?

Noa: The team became family. And Brent Battles, who plays my uncle in the movie, became one of my closest friends.

Al K Hall: Oh, right, the movie. How was the film received?

Noa: Equal Strength won a few awards in the US at the Women’s International Film Festival and the Palm Beach LDub Film Festival. The movie is currently in re-editing in order to be submitted to Cannes Film Festival.

Al K Hall: Speaking of “Cannes-Do”, you have the role of “Michele Cusick” in Iron Man 3. How did you get the part?

Noa Lindberg 09 (Bar None Booze Talkin' AlKHall)

What Noa was wearing when she saved my ass

Noa: To avoid crowds and fans requiring more security and possibly slowing down the shooting, the biggest projects usually have a nickname title. So when I was cast for Iron Man 3, I had no idea that’s where I was sent because it was called “Caged”.

Al K Hall: Like they used the title “Get Al Laid” for Mission Impossible?

Noa: Even agents are sometimes not entitled to reveal the information. But actors can have days so overbooked with castings and shootings, they cannot make it to them all and have make decisions and selections. So, I was hesitating about that one, but my agent insisted and ended up telling me privately, “You have to go, it’s for Iron Man 3!”

Al K Hall: And like one of Zelophehad’s daughters with property, you owned it. Who is Michele in the film?

Noa: Michele Cusick is an attendee of the Millenium New Years Eve party and Science Conference in Bern, Switzerland. Michele is flirting with Happy Hogan–aka Jon Favreau–while having a drink with her boyfriend who she ends up trading by midnight for an older (really older) wealthy man.

Al K Hall: Wait, that’s a thing? ‘Cause i’m a ‘really older’ man. Not wealthy, but what i lack in ‘wealthy’ i make up for in ‘really older’. Was it a fun shoot? More fun than this interview?

Noa: My most enjoyable moment was actually when a sweet lady, one of the extra talents that worked on the set, came to me and said: “I’m sorry, I don’t want to bother, aren’t you the main actress in… that movie… Equal Strength!?” I simply hugged her and smiled, it made me very proud to do what I do! Overall, fabulous experience.

Noa Lindberg 10 (Bar None Booze Talkin' AlKHall)

Bar None artist’s hallucination of that moment

Al K Hall: That must have been so cool. Imagine someone who knows your name and they’re not even carrying a warrant! But wait, your scene was a party scene? You must’ve got buttloads of free booze!

Noa: Free booze? Well, as it was a party scene, champagne was ginger ale, white wine was apple juice and red wine was flat coke and water. The second day, I almost thought of bringing booze to make my own “fake but not so really” drink, but I forgot to take it in the morning, as I had only slept 4 hours in between the shoots.

Al K Hall: “Fake but not so really”, awesome! Like “kind of a virgin” cocktail. What did you “kind of” steal from the shoot?

Noa: All the pins they had to stick in my hair!

Al K Hall: And, barring any arrests for that, have you got any upcoming projects?

Noa: I am currently working on writing 3 screenplays, 2 feature films, and 1 TV show pilot (and full season if the project works out). I am finishing a drama, starting a comedy, and wrapping up the show project. I am also planning on writing, directing and performing a dramatic short film and a series of shorts. Yes, that is a lot of writing!

Al K Hall: Cool. i hope you’ll give us a shout here when that stuff starts coming out. You know what i mean. If a real professional (and not just “an interviewer but not so really”) person is reading this, what’s the best way to contact you?

Noa: To movie directors and casting agents, you can join me by contacting my agent, Elissa at Boca Talent: elissa [at], or check my contact information on my IMDb pro. In case of urgent or last minute matters, I always recommend Facebook private messages.

Al K Hall: In all the minutes of exhausting research i did during a Resident Evil marathon, did i blow over anything too quickly? Anything you got coming up you’d like us to know about?

Noa: You can always subscribe to my YouTube channel and look out for the new Schweppes TV commercial in which I am starring – and rude staring at – Iggy Pop. Wonderful experience.

[A music video starring our girl]

Al K Hall: Iggy Pop!? No way! He and I are going to hook up sometime if he ever finds out i exist.

Noa: Iggy is really sweet and we talked a while in between rolling cameras. He is a legend in the music culture and knows a lot about everything. So when he said, “You look like a Hollywood star”, you can only imagine how great it made me feel!

Al K Hall: You wanted to call the cops? Because that’s what girls do when i say they look like Hollywood stars. Anyway what message do you have for Iggy and your bajillion other fans?

Noa: Thank you so much for your support, comments, likes and interest. I always take the time to respond, so feel free to write me. Here’s my official page:

Al K Hall: Well, i hope you’ve had your shots, and if you need more, i got your back because it’s time for the infamous Bar None Questionnaire. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Noa Lindberg 10 (Bar None Booze Talkin' AlKHall)

Noa in the Bar None

Noa: Really? Do I have to pick? Alright, let’s have a tasting of them all and I’ll pick after!?

Al K Hall: OK, but you’re paying. Who’m i kidding? You’re a woman and i’m the owner so you drink free. But be careful… When was the last time you had a hangover?

Noa: Let’s just say this morning I’m moving pretty slow after Sunday-Funday in Miami…

Noa Lindberg 12 (Bar None Booze Talkin' AlKHall)

Al K Hall: How cool are you! Do you smoke?

Noa: “Smoking is bad, mmkay? And if you start smoking at an early age, mmkay, it’s gonna be bad, mmkay?” Mr Mackey.

Al K Hall: From South Park. Good impression, babe. What’s your favorite swear word?

Noa: Lately, it’d be “balls”.

Al K Hall: Are you positive? HIV positive? More South Park. You really are addicted. And while we’re on that subject, you know i’m in AA…what’s your opinion of teetotalers?

Noa: I admire people who do not feel any social pressure, because after all, drinking is, to my opinion, a social phenomenon. In the Entertainment Industry, you get to go out to events or festivals pretty often, you are always exposed to that pressure, people insisting on getting you a drink. If you refuse, even though you really don’t feel like having a drink at all, it can look unsocial. So I just tend to constantly hold a drink to avoid all this.

Al K Hall: Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Noa: Taking the time to preparing a FUN interview! Thank you so much! Now let’s all cheers to the Bar None readers!

Al K Hall: From your lips to Google’s ears.

A Smoke

And that’s the way it goes because that’s the way she went. i know i don’t need to tell y’all that Noa and i, regrettably, never met face to face during a wild escape from Cuban card sharks or anywhere else on God’s grey earth. The whole interview was done through e-mail and i goofed around with my parts to make it look like she and i were together, but her answers were kept exactly as she sent them to me.

Noa Lindberg 13 (Bar None Booze Talkin' AlKHall)

i really want to thank Noa for putting up with my ridiculousness and for investing herself so deeply in the interview. She was always right there with the answers and she generously shared all of the candid shots you see up there, because she just wanted to be close to you booze hounds and barmaids. If the world needs a next superstar, the world could do a lot worse than Noa Lindberg. Truth.

[Another song Noa likes, hand picked from Intouchables, one of her favorite movies: Eart, Wind and Fire – September]

Noa Lindberg 14 (Bar None Booze Talkin' AlKHall)

Save the last dance for me

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview with Amitis Frances Ariano

Here’s how real this just got…. Argo, the movie Amitis Frances Ariano starred in, won the Academy Award’s Oscar for Best Picture and i’m thinking the award is due in large part to the participation of this actress that we here at the Bar None scored an exclusive interview with. Read on, believe it, then thank me later.

Amitis Frances Ariano 01 Bar None Booze Talking

[AlKHallism: All photos link to Amitis Frances Ariano’s IMDB page.]

From Amitis’s mouth to your ears: The Verve – Bittersweet Symphony

[Press ‘Play’ for a song that comes straight from Amitis’s dance card]

Let’s just take a moment to appreciate the pot luck that is my life. Not only do i get to see a movie as good as Argo but then i’m fortunate enough to interview not just one but two of the actresses in this Oscar nominated film, and to top all that off they both are as sweet as they are talented and beautiful. i got so much luck spilling out of me, i’m about to get some of it on you.

Continue reading


Silver Linings Playbook 01 poster bar none booze revooze

From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: The White Stripes – Fell in Love with a Girl

[Press ‘Play’ for the second best song in the movie…and not on the soundtrack]

Ramblings: Panty Linings Playbook

Final Proof: 3 Shots

3 shots

You know how you get drunk wearing a suit? Not the part when you talk too loud so that everyone within shouting distance knows how over the top you went and not the part when everyone can smell the sheen gleaming in the sick that streaks your lapels. No, there are those moments before everyone becomes your best friend and before you get so phony all your bars are full of reception, before you try too hard to be funny and to fall in love, moments when you are a little off kilter, a little skewed but still you feel a little more you than you’ve been in a while because you are sincere and honest enough to let the crazy out a crack and you accidentally become endearing. That’s what Silver Linings Playbook is like.

Silver Linings Playbook 02 poster bar none booze revooze

“I’m going to switch this envelope out for the one that says ‘Argo’.”

SLP is a romantic comedy that is neither, and all the better for it. You know me and if you don’t,  i’m the guy that came up with “dramantic comedy” or “drom-com” and go ahead, you can keep mocking me even after you steal that expression because that’s also the kind of guy i am. i hate romantic comedies more than i hate life itself and i only went to see this because it was nominated for an Oscar and plus the only thing easier in life than hating romantic comedies is mocking them and i’m all about the easy.

Imagine my surprise when i didn’t hate this movie. Why i didn’t is a whole ‘nother story—not really, it’s the whole story of this post and i didn’t hate the movie because it wasn’t a romantic comedy, it was a sexy shell with some serious drama deep down at the bottom, like panty liners hidden inside scanty panties. Also, the ending was happy in the movie just like panty liners are happy in their own way because it means she’s not pregnant, am i right?

Silver Linings Playbook 03 poster bar none booze revooze

“You’re so hot, and not just the sweaty kind.”

Basically i got emotionally invested in the characters here and i never do that for a movie like this unless it is this. Why? Read on, Buttercup.

The best thing about this movie were the actors and you know how sometimes you don’t know what makes a good actor because you can’t really put your finger on it? Go and see SLP for a good lesson on that. Chris “Mother” Tucker takes the role of the nutso friend and drives it straight to the place you’d expect and drops it off there without taking us anywhere. Some other guy (John Ortiz) plays the BF and you watch him going, “Yeah, he’s the BF because he’s acting the way the BF is supposed to”.

But Bradley Cooper (who is the person i will sleep with right after Eliza Dushku if i go gay) and Jennifer Lawrence (who i would sleep with first no matter what) fucking nail their characters. They play crazy perfectly because they don’t “play crazy”, they play crazy people trying to act normal which is a whole hell of a lot more realistic.

Silver Linings Playbook 04 poster bar none booze revooze

“You overpaid for your track suit, babe.”

The other good thing about this (yeah, i’ll skip the part about how De Niro finally gets his acting chops into a meatier role than he’s been served in a long time) is the director who’s some guy called David O. Russell (who also directed the fuckin’ excellent The Fighter). The cool thing about his directing is that you don’t notice it, which is what good directing is about (unless you go the other way where the directing is the best part of the movie, like Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula or Andrew Niccol’s Lord of War).

Everything comes together in this movie and chips in to elevate it above the normal level of a rom-coma and even if that doesn’t make it Oscar worthy, it still makes it worth a viewing.

Silver Linings Playbook 05 poster bar none booze revooze

Meanwhile, at the same sex marriage gala…

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

Silver Linings Playbook 06 poster bar none booze revooze

“No, that’s a roll of dimes I keep in my pocket.”

2 & 1-2 shotsSure, i love Jennifer Lawrence (“Tiffany” in this movie), but more importantly i like her a lot. She’s hot but she wasn’t always hot and she won’t always be hot but what she will always be is a good actress and fucking cool. For the good actress part all you have to do is watch Silver Linings Playbook to see what i mean and for the cool part check out these quotes.

Not to sound rude, but [acting] is stupid. Everybody’s like, ‘How can you remain with a level head?’ And I’m like, ‘Why would I ever get cocky? I’m not saving anybody’s life. There are doctors who save lives and firemen who run into burning buildings. I’m making movies. It’s stupid.

Or, and this is my personal favorite,

I went to the doctor today and got a chest X-ray of my lungs and discovered that my breasts are uneven! That was all I saw.

You know me (and if you don’t, my breasts are uneven too), i’m all about the investigative journalism, so let’s take a close up and personal look at this, shall we?

 Jennifer Lawrence 2013-02-06 Wallpaper Bar None Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze

Jennifer Lawrence Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Like with most of the actresses, there are single shots of Jennifer in my drawers, down below. Just scroll all the way down until you hit the “Continue reading” link and then do just that.

Another wonderful actress gracing this movie is Julia Plenty of Stiles (aka “Veronica” here). i’ve liked her ever since i didn’t see her that one Heath Ledger movie (10 Things I Hate About You) but saw some Stiles stills and she was gorgeous and it was kinda like this.

Julia Stiles 2013-02-06 Bar None Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze

Julia Stiles Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

What else is good about SLP? Here’s the blow by blow from my notes:

  • [Glimpses of] Ex-wife (Nikki / Brea Bee) in the shower
  • Closeups of JL’s [Jennifer Lawrence’s] “necklace”, i.e. cleavage & the moles [which i’ve just realized is a great fucking name for a girl’s band]
  • Vaguely dirty talk @ restaurant: Older mature lesbian with younger girl on her lap explaining / teaching her what to do [i put this dialog down in my drawers, if you really care.]
  • JL’s bare back
  • JL’s dance costume rocked halter top

One of my favorite lines from the movie was more about sex than romance. This exchange is between Bradley Cooper’s character (Pat) and a guy taking advantage of Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) sexually.

How am I being rude?

Oh, you know. You know.  Come on. Sometimes it’s  [casual sex] okay with girls like this, they wanna have fun, and sometimes it’s not okay because they got a broken wing, and they’re hurt, and they’re an easy target. And in this case, in this particular case, I think that wing is being fixed.

Silken Butterflies

i already talked about the woman naked wife in the shower in the blow by blow and her name is Brea Bee and she’s this kind of ginger hot.

Brea Bee 01  bar none booze revooze 2013-02-06

Regency Boies graced us, the screen and the film with her brief yet remarkable presence as “Regina”.

Regency Boies bar none booze revooze 2013-02-06

Also making the film a better place to be is Samantha Gelnaw, who played Jake’s Finacée.

Samantha Gelnaw bar none booze revooze 2013-02-06

For those of you more into quick passes than tight ends, there was Bradley Cooper in this.

Bradley Cooper 01 Bar None Booze Revooze

Bradley Cooper 02 Sober in the Bar None Booze Revooze

Bradley Cooper rocking the sober in the Bar None

A Smoke

Drink: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

There was tons of drinking and drink references but it didn’t ply a serious role in the movie and that’s what 2½ shots tastes like.

Here’s the blow by blow:

Danny was in for assault because of crystal meth and alcohol.

Bad combination.

—Pat explaining to his mother why Danny was with him in the mental hospital

  • BC (Bradley Cooper) brings wine bottle to dinner at Ronnie’s
  • Wine @ dinner
Silver Linings Playbook 07 poster bar none booze revooze

“LOL, we’re drinking expensive champagne and you sold out for a cheap ass Bud.”

Don’t drink too much, don’t hit anybody, you’ll be fine.

—Pat Sr. (Robert De Niro) giving his son advice before a football game

  • Beer @ tailgate [party]
  • JL swigs Bud after putting De Niro in his place
  • White alcohol on ice @ Xmas
  • Chris Whatsisname [Tucker] drinking Bud at formal dance recital
  • When JL is stressed she marches straight to the bar, pounds on it, and asks for a vodka. Then a guy offers her another one.
  • Champagne on the table at the dance contest

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

It’s not my fault everything is 2½ shots, talk to the movie. i went 2½ here because the soundtrack has some really cool songs (two White Stripes jams, and even some Zeppelin!) but not all of the songs are on the OST, so don’t buy it without checking it out closely first.

Some guy way cooler than me over at a real blog called Indiewire put together a complete list of all the songs in the movie, not just the ones on the soundtrack.

A cool song on both, which is not necessarily rock and roll, is “Girl from the North Country” by Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins, Norman Blake, W.S. Holland & Marshall Grant.

Silver Linings Playbook 08 poster bar none booze revooze

The Waiting Room at the Wig Salon

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Matthew Quick (novel “The Silver Linings Playbook”)
David O. Russell (screenplay)

Silver Linings Playbook 09 poster bar none booze revooze

The short bus just got shorter

Directed by: David O. Russell


Jennifer Lawrence – Tiffany
Jacki Weaver – Dolores
Julia Stiles – Veronica
Brea Bee – Nikki
Regency Boies – Regina
Samantha Gelnaw – Jake’s Fiancée
Bradley Cooper – Pat
Robert De Niro – Pat Sr.
Chris Tucker – Danny
Anupam Kher – Dr. Cliff Patel
John Ortiz – Ronnie

Bottom Line

Great date movie because it’s almost a great movie.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

It’s all over but the photos (and a quick script excerpt). Read on only if you don’t want to read on, but prefer to look instead.

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Zero Dark Thirty poster bar none booze revooze

From the juiced-box (kinda…) and the soundtrack: Preparation for Attack – Alexandre Desplat & the London Symphony Orchestra

[Press ‘Play’ for Jazzical, jazz mixed with classical]

Ramblings: Mission Accomplished

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

3  & 1-2 shotsYou know how you get drunk on Irish coffees? They’re dark and sweet and bitter and you don’t realize how much of them you’ve drunk because they’re so smooth but the real problem is you’re drinking them in a bar, squeezed into a booth and the caffeine kicks in pretty damn quick and so your leg starts to bounce and you squirm in your seat and you really have to pee but you’re trapped between a passed out Marine who’s packing and a girl you have a crush on that you’d rather crawl on than over so the tension mounts and the pressure builds and you catch yourself having a super suspenseful time even if there’s not a lot of action. That’s what sitting through Zero Dark Thirty is like.

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Jessica Chastain accidentally enters the Men’s Room

Kathryn Bigelow is cool and hot which is good because it means the movies she makes are exactly like that and Zero Dark Thirty is no exception. What’s not to like about a film that has action and hot actresses and not even a scentilla (it means ‘a little whiff’, and yes, it’s a word, can’t you see i just wrote it?) of romance. Making this more of a macho movie than both The Expendables combined.

Kathryn Bigelow makes good decisions (well, apart from marrying James Cameron) and this movie is full of the good decisions like telling the story of killing Been Lauden through a girl’s eyes. The other good decision was about the torture and you know me (and if you don’t, you don’t know the meaning of torture, kiddo), the closest i get to political is listening to Rage Against the Machine so i’m not going to the torture place in this blog (apart from my writing style). Alls i’m gonna say is that Bigelow made the right decision starting off the movie with authentic cell phone recordings left behind by 911 victims from the Twin Towers or the planes. That shot of reality will sober you right the fuck up and put the torture scenes in the right perspective.

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“I’ll tell you whatever you want, just no more Nic Cage.”

Another good decision Big&Low made was not to go too intense with the torture. Maybe you wanna know if the torture scenes were too much and lemme tell you they were just enough. i’m a wimp when it comes to shit like torture and rape scenes in movies and the older i get the wimpier i become and i’m very fuckin’ older so if i think the torture wasn’t too traumatic, you probably won’t either.

Other than that, Zero Dark Thirty is a good drama and a good thriller and a good detective movie and a good espionage movie and a good action movie (especially the last 30 minutes) and when you have all those good movies mixed up in one, it can really suck sometimes but here it doesn’t because it’s good.

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A quick game of ‘How Deep Can You Put Your Hands In Your Pockets’

So why only 3½ Shots? Because it’s all of those things that make it good that i just mentioned. Where The Hurt Locker took new ground and not just broke it but blew the shit out of it (if a little unevenly), Zero Dark Thirty stays within the parameters of the mission and gets the job done but without any of the shock and awe i was hoping for.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1½ Shots

1 & 1-2 shot bar none booze revoozeFor the first time, 1½ shots is actually a good thing. No i haven’t gone Bieber on you, i’m just saying that in an action film the only kind of nudity you want is nudity in action, like bare breasted females fighting topless or something and short of that, just give me pretty ladies and hold the romance, please. Which is what Bigelow gives us here.

In case you were worried i’m becoming too politically correct, here’s the notes i took:

  • JC [Jessica Chastain]’s ass looks nice in tight slacks as she leaves the torture room

i don’t know if i knew Jessica Chastain (“Maya”) or not before this movie but what i do know is i love her hair. i’ve always had a thing for gingers (or ‘strawberry blondes’ as we called them at my end of the bush) and the other nice thing about Jessica is that she can act better than you, and this i know because she was nominated for an Academy Award and you weren’t.

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The drapes DO match the…drapes.

Fun trivia: Jessica Chastain likes cleavage so much, even her chin has cleavage. Check out the picture i just posted. And then check out this.

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Jessica Chastain Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Before i forget, there are solo shots of the actresses filling my drawers. Just scroll to the bottom of this post until you see the headline.

Silken Butterflies

We were blessed with two actresses whose talent was matched only by their beauty. Unfortunately, their appearances on screen were like touching myself in the shower (over all too quick), but don’t worry, i’ll post some shots here so that you can make the moment last.

Starting with Lauren Shaw (“Lauren” in the movie) who is not just drop dead gorgeous and also and actress but is a stunt woman as well. How cool is that!? i’ll fucking tell you how cool it is, it’s way fucking cool.

Lauren Shaw 2013-01-30 Bar None Wallpaper Booze Revooze

Lauren Shaw Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Wrapping things up is the beautiful Jessica Collins (“Debbie”). The first time i fell in love with her was when she played the Miniature Killer in CSI, and then i got to fall in love with her again in her brief appearance here. i also want it to go on record that she has the cutest nose. If you ever find yourself wondering what kind of nose i like, it’s this kind.

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A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

2 shotsThere were enough references to keep me busy scrawling shit in my little notebook throughout the movie which means about 2 shots.

  • Wine at dinner with brunette [Jennifer Ehle as ‘Jessica’] & JC [Jessica Chastain]

We got lots of wine.

Good, bring me back a bottle.

–phone conversation between Maya & Jessica

  • Wine at pre-mole meeting
  • JC drinks something out of a clear plastic cup after her friend dies
  • Martinis @ a Kuwaiti bar
  • Bud for lunch with security guy @ Pakistani fast food
  • Beer on tap in a bar

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

3 shots

It’s like i was talking about in the intro section, there’s a lot of tension and suspense even if there’s not a lot of action. Until the last 30 minutes, which is a close to real time account of what it looked like when they wasted Ben.

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“That man is playing Galaga. Thought we wouldn’t notice…but we did.”

Apart from the nice score that Alexandre Desplat made, the music in Zero Dark Thirty is rock and roll. Well, there’s only one other song and it’s not on the soundtrack and it’s the song they play to torture a guy with: Rorschach – Pavlov’s Dog

[Press ‘Play’ for the music that tortures people]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Mark Boal

Directed by: Kathryn Bigelow


Jessica Chastain – Maya
Jennifer Ehle – Jessica
Lauren Shaw – Lauren
Jessica Collins – Debbie

Bottom Line

It’s my #3 favorite Oscar movie (of the 5 i’ve seen—#1 being Argo and Django Unchained a very close #2), which means it’s definitely worth a look-see.

Another Round

The Hurt Locker poster Bar None Booze Revooze

The Hurt Locker Booze Revooze

Green Zone poster bar none booze revooze

Green Zone Booze Revooze

The Expendables poster bar none booze revooze

The Expendables Booze Revooze

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

It’s all over but the sexy shots of the actresses with no witty text…or the text i had in this review.

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