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Booze Revooze: MOONRISE KINGDOM

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

So i found out there’s this thing in France called the Cannes Film Festival which doesn’t make any kind of sense because over there they drink wine out of bottles but oh well, you know the French and if you don’t they’re cheesy as a Nora Efron movie. i’m babbling about the French because they opened their Cannes Film Festival with Moonrise Kingdom last Wednesday and so here in Yeaman we had our Can’t Film Festival and we opened it with Moonrise Kingdom too so when you see a poster like this one,

that says it’s “In theaters the 25th of May”, i just want you to know you saw it here first.

Look, here are my perogatory screen shots.

Moonrise Kingdom still

Moonrise Kingdom still

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Hank Williams – Kaw-Liga


[Press 'Play' for a touch of ol' Hank and "Kaw-liga just stands there as lonely as can be /And wishes he was still an old pine tree."]

Ramblings: Long Live The Kingdom

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you you get drunk with an alien? Not a little green martian fresh off the saucer but an alien that’s been living amongst us long enough to know to order the round on him just before you’ve finished your beer so you have to stay and finish the beer in your hand plus the one he’s putting in front of you. He wears normal clothes but wears them wrongly and he speaks the right words but emphasizes the wrong parts and gets them a little backwards in the syntax sometimes. He’s got all the right internal organs but they’re all mixed up except his heart because his heart’s in the right place. That’s what Moonrise Kingdom is like… normal and odd at the same time with its heart in just the right place.

Moonrise Kingdom still

Cutting to the chaser, i loved this movie and the more i think about it the more i love it which is a good sign because when i left the cinema i already liked it and now i can feel that warm love grow and spread like a puddle in my lap. Actually, i’m kind of relieved because i was super afraid i wouldn’t be cool enough to like Wes Anderson.

i swear to god i tried like hell to appreciate The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. You shoulda seen me sitting there trying to like it so hard i hurt my brain because here was a quirky movie with Bill Fucking Murray and i love the quirk and the Bill and the Fucking but no matter how hard i tried, i felt the movie was an inside joke that i wasn’t “in” enough to get so i chalked up one in the Lost column and gave up.

Until…

Moonrise Kingdom still

Kara Hayward in Moonrise Kingdom

You know what i really loved about Moonrise Kingdom? Everything. But mostly the story and the actors and the directing and the script and the sets. And the music. The music was in perfect off beat sync with the movie.

Take the directing… The directing was amazing because it was done back in 1965 and i don’t know how he filmed the movie back in 1965 when it’s a recent movie. Maybe Wes Anderson really is an alien and did some kind of time travel stunt, i don’t know, but Moonrise Kingdom was like an Instagram postcard flipbook that worked like a charm.

Moonrise Kingdom still

Bill Murray, Frances McDormand, Ed Norton, Bruce Willis in Moonrise Kingdom

And the story? The story was this super innocent story that came directly from my childhood from before i knew how to swear and the best thing in the world were late afternoons when the sun stubbornly refused to set. Camping out, tree forts, grass stains, the smell of lighter fluid, skies so bright they were whitewashed with light and love, real love, first love that Wes Anderson films perfectly because there is nothing cliche in the romance here, just like there is nothing cliche at all about the first time you discover love because you feel like it’s a secret kingdom you discovered first.

Moonrise Kingdom still

Kara Hayward and Jared Gilman in Moonrise Kingdom

What about the acting? Forget about it. Bill Murray nails the role of the father by holding back but fraying his character’s fringes with insanity. Like he talks normal but acts crazy with his hair. His hair. He acts with his fucking hair and that’s all you need to know about Bill Murray. Frances McDormand works off him with ease and Ed Norton comes off super believable as the Scout Leader, which is amazing when you remember how he rocked Fight Club and rocks here too even if the roles are polar opposites. Nice range and suddenly Ed Norton is your favorite underrated actor.

Moonrise Kingdom still

Ed Norton in Moonrise Kingdom

But the real story here are the kids. Like the (then) 12-year-old actress Kara Hayward. Look her up on IMDb. What else has she done? Nothing. Wes picked her from the super talented teen actress farm and transplanted here here where we get to see her blossom. Then there’s Jared Gilman who also only has one acting credit, this movie, but that’s normal because he just came from the exact same planet as Wes Anderson. Jared not only is Sam, Jared is the movie like Jared was walking around being himself and not acting or anything and the movie happened around him and Anderson filmed it.

Moonrise Kingdom still

Jared Gilman in Moonrise Kingdom

Moonrise Kingdom may not be for everyone. Frat boys should save their money for keg beer and Piranha 3DDD. Stupid people may want to stay at home and watch Fox News. People without souls may not want to see this. But for those who love movies and those who love Love, Moonrise Kingdom is a sensitive poet’s forgotten dream.

Moonrise Kingdom still

Kara Hayward in Moonrise Kingdom

Kara Hayward

Kara Hayward

Kara Hayward

Jared Gilman

Jared Gilman

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Seriously? You came here expecting sex?

The closest we come is too innocent to be sexual even if the kids make out in their underwear and learn how to French kiss and she says “It feels hard,” and he, almost apologetically responds, “Do you mind?” and she doesn’t.

A Smoke

Drink: 1 Shot

Moonrise Kingdom

Bill Murray in Moonrise Kingdom

No big surprise that there wasn’t a whole lot of drinking going on in the Kingdom but we did get some passing references. Like in the above screen shot where Bill Murray is in his pajama bottoms with a bottle of wine and and a half drunk glass and an ax saying, “I’m going out to find a tree to chop.”

The other references are as follows:

  • BM [Bill Murray] drinks wine @ dining room table while reading the paper
  • Ed N[orton] scoutmaster drinks brandy while doing day’s log
  • BW [Bruce Willis] drinking beer out of a bottle while frying sausage offers a slug to the boy. Twice.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0

More indie art folk than rock and roll but you don’t miss it.We get some really cool soundtrack stuff from some famous soundtrack guy called Alexandre Desplat whose music fits the movie really well. Plus we get the kids dancing on the beach to Françoise Hardy – Le temps de l’amour.


Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Wes Anderson, Roman Coppola

Directed by: Wes Anderson

Starring

Kara Hayward – Suzy
Frances McDormand – Laura Bishop
Tilda Swinton – Social Services
Jared Gilman – Sam
Bill Murray – Walt Bishop
Edward Norton – Scout Master Ward
Bruce Willis – Captain Sharp

Bottom Line

The 12-year-old you were is aching to take you to this.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Just photos after this…

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Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of NINE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box (not) and the soundtrack: Female Ensemble – Overture Delle Donne


[Press 'Play' for the "La La" song. The lyrics: La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la...]

Ramblings: Just Say Nein

Final Proof: 1½ Shots You know how you drunk drive with Italians? ‘ Cause i sure as hell don’t. This movie was like riding with an Italian granny on her bike over a grassy field. It’s more like…

You know how you get drunk with a momma’s boy? He sits there simpering in the corner booth, whining about how great he is and how no one understands him except his mom. He’s a genius and the more he tries to prove it the less convincing he is so he keeps drinking and that makes him more defensive until he starts freaking bawling right there and drooling long saliva strands into his mug while these hot girls strut around him and fall in love with him because he’s a rich and famous tortured soul but he’s too absorbed in his pathetic life to notice them and all you want to do is torture his ass for real. Of course the evening ends with a bar fight, when you drag his whiny butt outside and kick it up one side of the alley and down the other.

Yep, you got it, another movie that makes me hate being a guy. Are we really the self-absorbed navel lint eating egoists that modern movies make us out to be? On top of  that, no one told me Nine is a musical. Where were you guys with my back after all the time i had yours? Y’all know the only thing i hate more than romantic comedies are romantic comedies where they break into song every damn minute for absolutely no reason. And then—did you listen to the song i posted at the beginning?—the lyrics are more nauseating than barfing limoncello through your nose.

Honestly, Nine is like watching two hours of horrible music videos and you can’t even turn it off to play a little GTA IV. Am i the only one on the planet who wonders why we have to watch Daniel Day Lewis singing? In an Italian accent? That sounds German?

Swear to god, what we have here is All That Jazz without any of that Jazz.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 Shots

Obviously, the only reason to see this thing is the talent. And by “talent” i don’t mean Daniel Day Lewis singing ridiculous songs in a bad Italian accent. i don’t mean a 75-year-old crooning about “Folies Berger” in far too revealing attire for a “handsome” woman.

Before i get deeper into this, Miss Demeanor suggested i just take all the photos and throw them into collages and not to do the individual shots because it would make this post forever long considering all the girls in this. Plus y’all, especially the patronizees, would get finger cramps from scrolling past the pictures and skipping over the text. But i’m all about the “Both/And” (screw “Either/Or”) so what i decided was to post the collages here and set up a separate post with the indie shots. Click here to access the pic post of The Girls From Nine.

Alls i want to say is i can’t believe they didn’t have nudity in Italy in the 60′s, the poor bastitches.

We first see Penelope Cruz (35) singing a song that begins, “Who’s not wearing any clothes? I’m not. Who’s not afraid to kiss your toes? I’m not.” And you thought i was kidding about how crappy the songs were. To make it worse, she sings about how she’s naked and comes out wearing the teddy she has on in the top picture up there. Sure, it’s not bad but it’s not better than nothing.

Penelope Cruz – A Call From The Vatican 


Click on Image For Wallpaper Size

Fergie’s (35) highlight was a number where she grabs her own boobs, plus there was a close-up of her skin with goosebumps that made my nipples hard.

Fergie – Be Italian


Click On The Image For The Wallpaper

Let’s talk about Marion Cotillard (34). She’s pretty pretty and she’s my type of lady with her third-eye mole and everything, but she’s missing the magic vibe that rides my wavelength. And i’m sure she’s all broken up about it, too. This doesn’t mean she’s not talented, though. Tell you what, Penelope Cruz may have done a decent job and all, but our little Marion-ette had a more subtle role and rocked it up one side and rolled it down the other. She shoulda got the Best Supporting Female nod, yo. Here’s my supporting nod:

Marion Cotillard – My Husband Makes Movies


Click On The Image For The Wallpaper

Which brings us to Kate Hudson (30). i’m not gonna lie to you, i’ve been in love with Kate Hudson ever since i saw her in Almost Famous. It’s been an on again / off again kinda thing ever since she started appearing in romantic comedies and looking either super hot or super not. Nine was basically all of that rolled into one. Some shots of her brought me back my Kate of old and others simply left me cold. Like all of the other actresses, she sang killer good.

Kate Hudson – Cinema Italiano


Click On The Picture For Wallpaper

Nicole Kidman is the most intelligent of all the actresses acting as actresses in this disastrous movie because Claudia’s the only one with gay-dar for Guido’s gayness, and i don’t mean happy or homo.  Here’s the only scene i liked in the entire movie, because Claudia (Nicole Kidman) calls Guido (Daniel Day Lewis) on his crap [copied directly from the script].

GUIDO: In a way – yes – you have this man in the story and he’s, he wants to take hold of everything, to devour everything, he can’t let anything go, or, he doesn’t want to, and he changes direction every day, because he’s lost, he’s dying, he’s bleeding to death…
CLAUDIA: (deflating) And these muses – they fall in love with the man?
GUIDO: Exactly! They fall in love with him.
CLAUDIA: (decisive) I’d rather be the man.
GUIDO: What?
CLAUDIA: I’d rather be the man.
Anyway, here’s a fine looking Nicole (42):

Nicole Kidman – Unusual Way


Click On The Image Fo Wallpaper

And of course there were the Silken Butterflies as well, those gorgeous young women who’s flitting appearances are as stunning as they are brief.

Martina Stella (25), a young Italian actress trying to break into the business plays Donatella, a young actress trying to break into the business.

Martina Stella In The Bar None

There was also Georgina Leonidas (20), a beautiful English girl who does a great job as Francesca, the “Matron’s Daughter”. Keep up the good work, babe.

For those of you who prefer pin pricks to the Nines in this movie, i give you Daniel Day Lewis:

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

  • Champagne at a ritzy hotel reception while planning the movie
  • Daniel Day Lewis & Kate Hudson drink vodka at the hotel bar

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: -9 shots

Babes, all you have to do is listen to any of the songs i posted here to get an idea of why i had to wash my ears out with soap after sacrificing my head space for y’all while putting this post together.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Mario Fratti (Broadway musical Nine—Italian original)

Arthur Kopit and Maury Yeston (Broadway musical Nine)

Michael Tolkin & Anthony Minghella (screenplay)

Directed by: Rob Marshall

Starring

Marion Cotillard – Luisa Contini

Penelope Cruz – Carla

Fergie – Saraghina

Kate Hudson – Stephanie

Nicole Kidman – Claudia

Martina Stella – Donatella

Georgina Leonidas – Matron’s Daughter [Francesca]

Daniel Day Lewis – Guido Contini

Bottom Line

RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! Stay at home and watch All That Jazz.


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