Christmas Pissed List 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

10 Christmas Gifts on a Drunk’s Pissed List (A Top Ten Lips)

Christmas Pissed List 01 (AlKHall Bar None)Bar Angels and Boozehounds, the time has come yet again to waste some of your hard earned beer money on other people who won’t be able to contain their disappointment when they open the presents you bought with cash you should’ve spent on cheap tequila and that one heavy chick who wears a bikini top to the bar even if it’s winter and you live in Duluth.

What’s even worse than this torture? Well, for me it’s going through this sober, but for you normal drunks? The worst part is trying to hide the disenchantment you feel when you open yet another bag of dress socks that only reminds you that you have to go back to the office after the festivities have ended in a gut wrenching hangover.

Fret no more, dear Patronizers, i’ve compiled a list here of shit you can ask for so that all you have to do is share this with loved ones so that you can be sure to get more than slapped this holiday season.

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10 Drunk Xmas Gifts (A Top 10 Lips) [A Lazy Ass Repost]

Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.

“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.

And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.

What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?

1a. Toys for Boys

Hey, Don’t Blame His Taste, Blame Yours

1b. Toys for Chicks

Redneck Barbie

2. Toys for Neither

Bored Games

Not So Bored Games

3. For the Makers Marksmen

The Shot Gun

4. For the Festive Drinker

Reinbeer

5. For Those with a Green Tongue

The Booze Tree

6. Drunk Test #1

Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?

Drunk Test #2

When You’re Lap Is Wet, You’re Drunk

7. For the Impractical Joker

Father Pissmas

8. For the Fashion Unconscious

Does Not Come In Small

9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me

The Beer-ed: Real Subtle

The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)

Check Out Her Jugs

10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?

And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif

North Pole Dancer

“Yeah, I Hit That”: The Real “Real” Chris Brown

[Before you get all up in my shit about how politically incorrect i am, please read the disclaimer at the end of this post.]

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Rihanna: Big Sean feat. Chris Brown – My Last

[Press ‘Play’ to hear Chris Brown sing, “And I’m a hit this drink up like it’s my last, I’m a hit this night up like it’s my last, I’m a hit this ass up, like it’s my last”]

Celebrity Dreg

i didn’t tell y’all before because i’m telling you now.

i’m dating Rihanna.

Not right this second, but i’m dating her pretty soon and i can make this statement with a certain certitude because i’m convinced with a conviction as strong as Chris Brown’s that Rihanna’s got the necessary amount of stupid it takes to date me.

Don’t even try to tell me you don’t know what i’m talkin’ about, either. Haters be hatin’ and players be playin’ but don’t go doin’ neither on my ass, yo, ’cause you know damn well you saw the video where Chris Brown talks about how how hard it is to be in love with two ladies women at the same time and if you didn’t it’s at the top of this post.

The rumors have it that Rihanna is going to take Chris back and why the hell wouldn’t she?

Rihanna beaten up by Chris Brown The Bar None

Chris Brown on Rihanna: “I’d Hit That.”

i already told you like a month ago about how she’s got a drinking problem and hell, the first thing the ‘real’ Chris Brown says in that video is that he’s drunk and even in that fucking song he says first he’s gonna hit the bottle and then he’s gonna hit that ass.

So the mutual enabling for alcoholism is a giant thumbs up your ass and the codependency is all systems go to hell. Plus Chris Brown practiced not beating up a girl for one year and, to top it all off, Rihanna will chant the mantra of beaten and abused women across the country, “He’s changed, he said he’s sorry…”

Rihanna Beaten Meat The Bar None

You know what, though? Rihanna ain’t never gonna date my sorry ass and here’s why. i would never hit on her…

Disclaim-her

Just one thing before you go ballistic on me. i wrote this post out of anger that any woman would consider getting back together with the man who abused her. i have absolutely no sympathy for abusers, and while i understand the mechanics of this kind of relationship are complicated, they’re really not. Someone beats you, you leave and you don’t look back and you certainly don’t go fucking back to them so they can do it again.

For those of you who would say abusers can change, i’ll say “Good for them, they still deserve to be deserted as punishment for their heinous acts.”

For those of you who would point the finger at me and say maybe then i don’t deserve forgiveness for some of the asshole things i did while i was still a practicing alcoholic, i agree 100 fucking percent. If you’re one of the people i hurt through my drinking, i totally get that you would not want to forgive me and don’t blame you at all. If you are not one of these people, don’t judge me until you’ve puked a mile in my booze.

For those of you who would say that all this shit isn’t my business, i’ll stop posting this kind of commentary when Rihanna stops tweeting about her relationships and Chris Brown stops pretending to be real in the video messages he posts on fucking YouTube. Until that time, alls fair in drugs and whores.

OK, now you can go ballistic on me.

Bar None Dregs

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

10 New Beers Resolutions (A Top 10 Lips)

image

Here it is, the beginning of another year and you’re starting it off wishing you could forget the few memories still hanging on from last night. i know, and how else could i know except i’ve been in the exact same places you are now. Well, not exactly the same because i don’t even know your sister so how could i be passed out on the cement floor of the bathroom in her unfinished basement where he husband insisted we sleep because our puke is bound to be heroically pungent after all the imitation crab legs we nuked on shiny paper plates with slabs of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”.

Even if i haven’t been there specifically, i’ve been there before and it’s not because i’m sober today that i don’t recall ringing in the new year with a bell that clanged too fucking loudly and sounded like a hangover.

As your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’m here to help by knocking one item off the to-do list scrawled on the back of the leaf you’re in too much pain to turn over at the moment. Here, then, are the

Ten Drinking Resolutions You’ve Made for 2012

1. I Resolve To Hold My Liquor Better

2. I Resolve To Sit Up Straight No Matter How Drunk i Am

3. I Resolve Not To Spill My Drink

4. I Resolve Not To Dance While Drunk

5. I Resolve Not To Play With Fire When Drinking

6. I Resolve Not To Get A Tattoo If i’m Drunk

7. I Resolve To Remember Cardboard Is Not A Costume

8. I Resolve Not To Go Native

9. I Resolve To Stop Sleeping Around

10. I Resolve To Pass Out In A Bed

BONUS ROUND: Click at your own risk and watch your step:

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A Big ChristmAss

Happy Holi-gays

From the Juiced-Box: Dirty Boyz – All I Want For Christmas Is To Get It Crunk

[Press ‘Play’ for “What you want for Christmas? What you want boy? All I want for Christmas is to get it drunk.”]

Welcome Barmaids and Beerhounds. ‘Tis i, your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here for my annual visit, putting the “X” in Xmas and the…uh… “ass fucker” in “Kick Ass Mother Fucker”. i’m making my annual appearance, putting my family aside for the moment to come here and put together a blog for those of you good enough to make it in on this the most massy of days.

2,124 of y’all have stumbled in so far (it’s 9pm right now in Yeaman) and i’m here with you to let you know you’re not alone and that i appreciate each and every one of your visits. As proof, here’s…

Drunk Santa

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

 

You think that’s scary, check this shit out.

Christmas Planking

To be followed by “My 1st Hangover”.

After Santa arrives, where does he leave the presents? Under the…

Drunk Tree

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

So here it is…my gift to you…Christmas Cookies.

Finger licking good.

Live it up , y’all. i really hope you enjoy this holiday season and i thank you on this day of all days for patronizing me.

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10 Drunk Xmas Gifts (A Top 10 Lips)

Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.

“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.

And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.

What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?

1a. Toys for Boys

Hey, Don't Blame His Taste, Blame Yours

1b. Toys for Chicks

Redneck Barbie

2. Toys for Neither

Bored Games

Not So Bored Games

3. For the Makers Marksmen

The Shot Gun

4. For the Festive Drinker

Reinbeer

5. For Those with a Green Tongue

The Booze Tree

6. Drunk Test #1

Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?

Drunk Test #2

When You're Lap Is Wet, You're Drunk

7. For the Impractical Joker

Father Pissmas

8. For the Fashion Unconscious

Does Not Come In Small

9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me

The Beer-ed: Real Subtle

The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)

Check Out Her Jugs

10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?

And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif

North Pole Dancer

Robert Downey Jr Wants You…

to forgive Mel Gibson.

From the juiced-box and Mel Gibson’s heart: Evanescence – Forgive Me

[Press ‘Play’ to hear Amy Lee make the same demands as Mel Gibson, only better]

You know me (and if you don’t there’s a cure for that), i’m all about the RDJr. A talented actor who hit the kind of bottoms that kill most people, he went into recovery and came back shining like a beacon to souls lost at sea, without losing any of the edge that makes him one of the best actors of his generation. A person who can serve as an example in both their personal and professional lives is like a Gucci life saver: priceless and feels good to have around you.

This Guy's Ready For Anything

The short version of this is that if Downey asked me to chew off my own balls with Amy Winehouse’s rotting teeth, i’d ask if he wanted me to start with the right or the left love bulb.

Which makes it very tough and more than a little hypocritical of me to say i won’t forgive Mel Gibson.

Especially hypocritical because in my Al K Hall Anonymous blog i’m all about the compassion: self compassion, compassion for others, a round of compassion on me for everyone all the way around.

Why am i holding out on some compassion for Mel, you so rightly ask?

Is it because he’s displayed anti-Semitic behavior more than once, and my children are Jewish? Is it because he’s beaten his wife, driven drunk, and demonstrated prejudice towards black people? What about threatening to burn down his children’s home while they slept inside it?

No. i, myself, know too well the gut shot burn of shame inflicted by going off half cocked. i have executed far too many wrongs to say someone else isn’t right, committed too many sins to be holier than thou, behaved far too criminally against others to judge anyone.

No. The thing i can’t look past is his future.

i don’t see him taking any steps to ensure these errors don’t happen again. i  hit some ugly bottoms myself and i continue to make mistakes in my sobriety, but i’m in recovery and actively working a 12-step program daily. Mel Gibson goes to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings drunk.

What i need to see from Mel Gibson is less contrition and more contribution. More action and less acting.

i’ll honor Robert Downey Jr’s request and forgive Mel Gibson when Mel Gibson starts acting more like Robert Downey Jr.

Until then, i forgive Robert Downey Jr for asking me to forgive Mel Gibson.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Finally, an Al K Hall original from the Bar None‘s Drunk and Demotivated page…