Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.
“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.
And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.
What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?
1a. Toys for Boys
Hey, Don’t Blame His Taste, Blame Yours
1b. Toys for Chicks
Redneck Barbie
2. Toys for Neither
Bored Games
Not So Bored Games
3. For the Makers Marksmen
The Shot Gun
4. For the Festive Drinker
Reinbeer
5. For Those with a Green Tongue
The Booze Tree
6. Drunk Test #1
Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?
Drunk Test #2
When You’re Lap Is Wet, You’re Drunk
7. For the Impractical Joker
Father Pissmas
8. For the Fashion Unconscious
Does Not Come In Small
9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me
The Beer-ed: Real Subtle
The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)
Check Out Her Jugs
10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?
And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif
Here it is, the beginning of another year and you’re starting it off wishing you could forget the few memories still hanging on from last night. i know, and how else could i know except i’ve been in the exact same places you are now. Well, not exactly the same because i don’t even know your sister so how could i be passed out on the cement floor of the bathroom in her unfinished basement where he husband insisted we sleep because our puke is bound to be heroically pungent after all the imitation crab legs we nuked on shiny paper plates with slabs of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”.
Even if i haven’t been there specifically, i’ve been there before and it’s not because i’m sober today that i don’t recall ringing in the new year with a bell that clanged too fucking loudly and sounded like a hangover.
As your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’m here to help by knocking one item off the to-do list scrawled on the back of the leaf you’re in too much pain to turn over at the moment. Here, then, are the
Ten Drinking Resolutions You’ve Made for 2012
1. I Resolve To Hold My Liquor Better
2. I Resolve To Sit Up Straight No Matter How Drunk i Am
3. I Resolve Not To Spill My Drink
4. I Resolve Not To Dance While Drunk
5. I Resolve Not To Play With Fire When Drinking
6. I Resolve Not To Get A Tattoo If i’m Drunk
7. I Resolve To Remember Cardboard Is Not A Costume
8. I Resolve Not To Go Native
9. I Resolve To Stop Sleeping Around
10. I Resolve To Pass Out In A Bed
BONUS ROUND: Click at your own risk and watch your step:
From the Juiced-Box: Dirty Boyz – All I Want For Christmas Is To Get It Crunk
[Press 'Play' for "What you want for Christmas? What you want boy? All I want for Christmas is to get it drunk."]
Welcome Barmaids and Beerhounds. ‘Tis i, your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here for my annual visit, putting the “X” in Xmas and the…uh… “ass fucker” in “Kick Ass Mother Fucker”. i’m making my annual appearance, putting my family aside for the moment to come here and put together a blog for those of you good enough to make it in on this the most massy of days.
2,124 of y’all have stumbled in so far (it’s 9pm right now in Yeaman) and i’m here with you to let you know you’re not alone and that i appreciate each and every one of your visits. As proof, here’s…
Drunk Santa
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
You think that guy’s scary, check this shit out.
Christmas Planking
To be followed by “My 1st Hangover”.
After Santa arrives, where does he leave the presents? Under the…
Drunk Tree
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
So here it is…my gift to you…Christmas Cookies.
Finger licking good.
Live it up , y’all. i really hope you enjoy this holiday season and i thank you on this day of all days for patronizing me.
Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.
“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.
And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.
What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?
1a. Toys for Boys
Hey, Don't Blame His Taste, Blame Yours
1b. Toys for Chicks
Redneck Barbie
2. Toys for Neither
Bored Games
Not So Bored Games
3. For the Makers Marksmen
The Shot Gun
4. For the Festive Drinker
Reinbeer
5. For Those with a Green Tongue
The Booze Tree
6. Drunk Test #1
Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?
Drunk Test #2
When You're Lap Is Wet, You're Drunk
7. For the Impractical Joker
Father Pissmas
8. For the Fashion Unconscious
Does Not Come In Small
9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me
The Beer-ed: Real Subtle
The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)
Check Out Her Jugs
10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?
And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif
From the juiced-box and Mel Gibson’s heart: Evanescence – Forgive Me
[Press 'Play' to hear Amy Lee make the same demands as Mel Gibson, only better]
You know me (and if you don’t there’s a cure for that), i’m all about the RDJr. A talented actor who hit the kind of bottoms that kill most people, he went into recovery and came back shining like a beacon to souls lost at sea, without losing any of the edge that makes him one of the best actors of his generation. A person who can serve as an example in both their personal and professional lives is like a Gucci life saver: priceless and feels good to have around you.
This Guy's Ready For Anything
The short version of this is that if Downey asked me to chew off my own balls with Amy Winehouse’s rotting teeth, i’d ask if he wanted me to start with the right or the left love bulb.
Which makes it very tough and more than a little hypocritical of me to say i won’t forgive Mel Gibson.
Especially hypocritical because in my Al K Hall Anonymous blog i’m all about the compassion: self compassion, compassion for others, a round of compassion on me for everyone all the way around.
Why am i holding out on some compassion for Mel, you so rightly ask?
Is it because he’s displayed anti-Semitic behavior more than once, and my children are Jewish? Is it because he’s beaten his wife, driven drunk, and demonstrated prejudice towards black people? What about threatening to burn down his children’s home while they slept inside it?
No. i, myself, know too well the gut shot burn of shame inflicted by going off half cocked. i have executed far too many wrongs to say someone else isn’t right, committed too many sins to be holier than thou, behaved far too criminally against others to judge anyone.
No. The thing i can’t look past is his future.
i don’t see him taking any steps to ensure these errors don’t happen again. i hit some ugly bottoms myself and i continue to make mistakes in my sobriety, but i’m in recovery and actively working a 12-step program daily. Mel Gibson goes to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings drunk.
What i need to see from Mel Gibson is less contrition and more contribution. More action and less acting.
i’ll honor Robert Downey Jr’s request and forgive Mel Gibson when Mel Gibson starts acting more like Robert Downey Jr.
Until then, i forgive Robert Downey Jr for asking me to forgive Mel Gibson.
Turns out Amy Winehouse did not die from excessive knee bleeding from all the time she spent praying, nor did she die from a brain explosion while outlining a plan that would guarantee world peace until the end of the planet.
Here’s what that looks like. She kicked drugs in 2008 and replaced that monkey with the booze monkey. That led to busts and binges, ups and downs and downers until early July when she quit drinking. 2½ weeks later, she fell off the wagon—and into an ocean of vodka. Three bottles after she drifted off and drowned in that sea.
Her blood alcohol content was 0.41%.
Blood Alcohol Content For Dummies
Lifted From Wiki
BAC results range from 0% (you’re dangerously sober) to 0.5% (dangerously drunk). The current law in the United States dictates that anything over 0.08% makes you police bait if you’re behind the wheel.
Here’s what it all means for us normal people:
0.01-0.029%
What You Do
Remember you have a watch
Have taste
Feel like crap
What You Shouldn’t Do
Feel superior
Make fun of drunk people–remember, you’ll be one soon enough
Stop drinking
What You Can’t Do
Say “No more for me. I’m done.”
Leave
Have fun
0.03-0.059%
What You Do
Pretend you’re not drunk
Overestimate your looks and your intelligence
Believe everything you say
What You Shouldn’t Do
Drink stronger booze
Play games in traffic
Allow anyone to film you
What You Can’t Do
Count how fast you drink
Say “Preliminary cinnamon”
Accurately judge the passage of time
0.06-0.10%
What You Do
Begin every sentence with, “I really shouldn’t say this, but…”
Walk into walls and spill your beer
Sing TV theme songs
What You Shouldn’t Do
Flirt with the ugly person you find “interesting looking”
Convince yourself everybody pees against public buildings
Think karaoke is a good idea
What You Can’t Do
Stay out of the bathroom for more than thirty minutes
Say “Subliminal ethnicity”
Call home, ’cause your significant other will aurally ream you a new one
0.11-0.20%
What You Do
Pick fights
Cry over everything
Think you can dance (and insist on proving it)
What You Shouldn’t Do
Go anywhere near a phone, you’re now in drunk dialing territory
Join a drinking game
Start a friendly game of “I’m gonna tell you what I really think about you.”
What You Can’t Do
Stand still
Stop drinking
Say “No, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.”
0.21-0.29%
What You Do
Anything and everything
Forget everything you say
Wake up covered in your friends’ practical joke
What You Shouldn’t Do
Look up pictures of yourself covered in the practical joke on the Web
Debate anything with your significant other
Ride in a car with a nice interior
What You Can’t Do
Stand up
Sit up
Make complete sentences
0.30-0.39%
What You Do
Pee your pants
Hit on everything
Take everything way too seriously
What You Shouldn’t Do
Brag about peeing your pants
Heed the call to expose private body parts
Sleep on your back
What You Can’t Do
Talk
Have ‘just one more’
Say “Call 911″
>0.40%
What You Do
Pass out
Leak bodily fluids through several orifices
Die
What You Shouldn’t Do
Expose yourself to open flames
Leave the bathroom
Die
What You Can’t Do
Anything and everything
Wake up
Breathe
So, obviously Amy Winehouse was in dangerous territory. But how does she rank according to others? Has anyone that drunk been to hell and BAC? Here are some records and broken ones.
Clocking In At 0.45%
The tragic story of a 16-year-old honor student, Rhona Tavener. This English girl, not normally a drinker, went to a party at a rich kid’s £1 million estate, where they had her start off with sips of friends’ drinks before she downed half a liter of Smirnoff straight. She fell off the hammock, was given CPR by her friends as they took her home and showed up at the hospital in a one-way coma.
The world needs every sweet sixteen we can get, girls. Don’t drink and die.
Clocking In At 0.72%
Yes, nearly twice the death limit. Terri Comer (AKA Wanda Woman) passed out while driving home and crashed her car in a snow bank–within eyesight of a road sign warning against drunk driving. Man, if i’d made that up people would be all over my ass for not showing enough imagination.
Clocking In At .914%: To Hell And BAC
Almost 1 percent of this guy’s blood was alcohol. Let’s just sit back for a moment and think about that…
Hmmmm….
So this 67-year-old Bulgarian guy gets bumped by a car and taken to the hospital unconscious. He smelled drunk so the doctors tested him. When they saw the result, they thought their equipment was screwed up. They did five separate lab tests to be sure, and sure enough: 0.914%. ELEVEN TIMES over the legal drinking limit had he been driving.
Amy Jade Winehouse: 14 September, 1983 - July 23, 2011
Directly from the juiced-box and dedicated to Amy Winehouse
[Press 'Play' for a bit of truth]
i’m not a hypocrite. i’m not going to spew forth glorious praise and sentimental platitudes about how Amy Winehouse was a great woman. She was not a great woman. She was an incredibly gifted singer, but the talent that came naturally to her in art deserted her when it came to living.
Before we got down to the dirty, let me drop this plate from the juiced-box on ya: Mark Lanegan – Morning Glory Wine
[Press 'Play' for the coolest thing you'll hear today]
A couple weeks ago, President Barack Obama took his show on the road and his first stop was Ireland. ‘Cause apparently his ancestors are Irish and now I finally understand why they say “Black Irish”.
You and i both know another reason he went there was for the beer and if you don’t know what i’m on about, shame on you because i was all over that shit ages ago. For example, how come you didn’t read about Why the Nobels Chose Obamawhich i wrote way back in October 2009?! And there’s no excuse for not reading the very recent Obama Beer Laden and, in fact, i’m kinda pissed off because you’re lack of reading it meant no one launched a fatwad on me and i was kinda looking forward to that.
Anyway, i’m thinking Obama wanted to start off his tour with a free beer. This is why it’s called a “round” trip: he’s on a trip and it’s always someone else’s round. Here’s the photographic evidence of that.
Obama is not a beerholic. Probably not. But this doesn’t mean we don’t exist.
People are always saying they’re gonna stop drinking the hard stuff and only partake of beer or wine like that isn’t alcohol. i’m beer to tell you, Barmaids and Beerhounds, it’s entirely possible and i’m nearly not living proof. Emphasis on Proof.
Wine was my drunk of choice for ages because it packed a 13% punch, cost about 3 bucks a bottle and 1 bottle was the perfect buzz. Two bottles was a good drunk and after 4 bottles was some of the best near death experiences i ever had if i could only remember them. Wine was easy to plan, ‘swhat i’m saying. Wine was faithful. i always knew where i stood with wine and that was right by her side.
Beer was different. i never liked the taste of beer and it always made me feel full and i had to drink a lot to get someplace else but that was also the upside, Chuck. Because i drank faster than a hole, liquor knocked me out quicker but beer helped me draw the night out and plus i got to piss like every ten minutes. Self-regulating, yo.
I'll Drink to That
All’s i’m sayin’ is i don’t believe the hype. Scientific studies (that i conducted in my living room watching TV) have proven the alcohol in beer and wine is the exact same alcohol in evil spirits.
If you’re gonna drink, may god be with you and not take you to the places i let the booze take me. If you choose not to drink: beer and wine count as alcohol, babes.
Bar None Dregs
In other news, i’ve been busy lately with writing projects and other blogs and going to AA meetings. Speaking of, i hit 5 months sober last Saturday. Also, thanks to Bats for stopping by to check in on me. i’m doing well, babe, ‘preciate your asking.
Linked to that [get it, linked to that? Don't worry, you will right now], i started a new blog for movie reviews called WTF!? (Watch the Film). i basically take notes while watching a movie and post the notes and try to be funny. i created another persona to head the blog—his name is Saint Pauly and we’ll pretend he’s someone else but anyone reading this far is a regular and i got no secrets from y’all. Please feel free to Visit WTF!? (Watch The Film) and especially please leave a comment while i try to get it off the ground. Thanks!
i forgot to mention a few weeks back that The Rod did me the great honor of posting some of my shit up over at Fernby Films even though i wrote it. It’s all about the Matrix Spillogy and is s’posed to be funny. Well, as funny as i get. Thanks, Rodney, for the place to show my goods. (That’s what Rhys Meyers said.)
Press ‘Play’ for some appropriate tuneage: Black Label Society – 13 Years of Grief (from the killer album Skullage). Lyrics at the bottom of the post, yo.
Here’s the latest photo i’ve added to my Self Unemployed: Help Wanted page. i came across it on my way to work the other day and didn’t realize how brutal it truly was until i came back home and started playing with it. i’ve included a couple alternate versions as well.
Bar None Dregs
Just a little update on my sobriety. Since the Incident That Shall Not Be Named (the one where i got drunk, took massive amounts of pills to kill myself and spent 2 weeks in the hospital—but you didn’t hear it from me), i quit drinking and smoking. With cigarettes costing as much as they do now, i can’t afford to smoke and with drinking doing what it does to me, i can’t really afford to do that anymore either. May 11, 2011 was my 4 month sobriety day, s’what i’m saying.
In related news, i’ve changed the bio that pops up at the bottom of every post to reflect this new state of being me. i no longer refer to myself as “a functioning alcoholic (meaning i’ve held the same job for 17 years and have been living with Miss Demeanor for over a year now…)”, but have switched it to: “a non-practicing alcoholic (if after 30 years of practicing, you still can’t do something well, it’s best to just give it up)”. Plus, it’ll be 3 years come June for Miss D and i.
Thanks for still coming by even if i’m not cool anymore ’cause i don’t drink.
Just kidding, you and i both know i’m cooler than ever and i’ve got the goods to prove it.
“13 Years of Grief” by The Black Label Society off Skullage
Looking at the words, i think i musta confused the lyrics and thought he was saying “13 Years of Drinking”. Oh well, i’ll keep it here anyway because it’s still pretty fitting.
You’re so fuckin’ tough, so motherfuckin’ bad.
13 Years Of Grief, is all your folks ever had.
Just and ignorant cunt, talking such shit.
Tryin’ to act act like a man,
You little fuckin’ punk kid.
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Day of court, day of fear, in walks the judge.
Half a year, nothing less. No he wouldn’t budge.
Hand over your belongins, and your motherfuckin’ soul.
That’s the joy of life,
Six months in the hole.
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
(solo)
You wrecked your mother, yeah you beat her down.
Teachers can’t protect you, when your friends are ’round.
What’s so tough, so motherfuckin’ bad.
13 Years Of Grief, is all your folks ever had.
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Yeah! Son, look at you now
![IMG_2591[5]](http://pjensi.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/img_25915.jpg?w=150&h=112)
