Oktoberfest Girls Kissing Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Time once again for that yearly event that is the closest the Germans will ever get to Christmas: Octoberfest. All the party hounds can now migrate Over the Wine and mark their territory there. They’ll trash Frankfurt, Hamburg and Cologne which, ironically enough, is also what will come up when they puke.
To celebrate the closing ceremony of this to Hell and Bacchanalia, i’m posting a quiz for you to determine if you are Octoberfest drunk or not.
The first question is, “Why are all the women in Octoberfest Wallpaper above kissing each other?”
Here’s a hint for you, brought to you by Buck Cherry.
The photographic answer to the question is coming, kind of, but until then here’s the rest of test to determine if you are just American Buzzed or Oktoberfest Bested.
What’s Wrong With the Pictures?
Before i give you the answers to that test, here’s the reason the Frauleins are kissing each other:
And now the answers to the Quiz:
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Dregs, dregs, everywhere and not a drop to drink. We got a drunken 3-way that went down (literally) to a drunken 2-way that finished in a 1-way street straight to jail. We got them Wisconsin dregs which are so liquor sodden they may never get off the bottom. We got us co-ed buck naked drunk drivers of all sexes in two continents dregs. We got near beer for bitches and other dogs as well dregs plus more drunken celebrities than you can shake your stick at.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to this week’s miscreants…from Katy Perry’s lips to your ears: Katy Perry – Last Friday Night.
[Press 'Play' for a song that goes, "Last Friday night / Yeah I think we broke the law / Always say we're gonna stop /Whoa-oh-oah." In fact, this song is so entirely about going out and getting shit faced that i've included allthe lyrics down in the Bar None Dregs at the bottom.]
What were you doing when you were 22? If you were anything like me and you were a guy, you were touching yourself while fantasizing about a 3-way sex romp with two girls. This Jorge Daniel Silva kid had it all in the palm of his hand and i don’t mean his frothing protein stick because he had two probably really hot girls (and even if they weren’t, who cares!? THEY WERE 2 GIRLS AND THEY WERE MAKING OUT IN FRONT OF HIM) making out in front of him and they wanted him to join in. So what does this drunken bastitch do?
Warning: When i tell you, you may well never want to drink again, so keep reading only if you want to be dry for the rest of your life because this guy was so drunk HE GOT JEALOUS. His wife was one of the willing participants in this hole affair, after he talked her into it, but when she kissed the other babe he got so jealous he started beating on his wife. The babes ran into another room but Hi Ho’ Silva thought they ladies were gettin’ down to business in there so he kicked down the door, punched his wife some more and when the other woman tried to stop him, he wailed on her, too.
The funny thing is, when he sobers up, he’s going to be beating himself up worse than he ever did the ladies.
Bar None's Artist's Hallucination of Hole Affair
October 27: Blame It On Ohio This woman, Erin Holdsworth, had everything going for her. Thin, drunk and under 30 with a penchant for driving naked… what could go wrong? Quite a lot when you want to do all this at the same time.
i blame it all on the state that’s so boring even its name sounds like a yawn and i don’t mean the State of Inebriation but sometimes a daytrip there is the only ticket out of the ennui known as Ohio. Which would certainly explain why Barin’ Erin went barrelin’ past the cops at 110 mph and on her way to naked. The mandatory car chase ensued reaching speeds of up to 128 mph but not topping them because Erin had no topping. When she finally pulled over, she got out of her car wearing plastic wrap or some shit. Then she was all calm getting in the cop car, but once inside she freaked probably because she couldn’t find a pole and realized she’d been tricked and was not in a strip club but on her way to the pokey.
Speaking of pokies, there are some drawer shots of naked drivers “down there”. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.
October 30: Stick Shifting Not to be outdone or overdressed, some guy decided to export the sport of Nastycar racing to Moscow on a Sunday, for he too got super naked and bare ass drunk.
Here’s what’s kind of amazing. He was drunk driving, almost rammed a school bus full of children (which oughta teach those pesky Russkies not to send their children to school on Sundays), and connected with 17 cars, injuring several people but still the police had to chase him “across a large part of the capital”. The fuck!? Did the 17 cars not slow him down at all? i’m thinking the guy should get some kind of drunk driving medal of dishonor because 4 of the 17 cars were police cruisers.
Bar None Artist's Hallucination
November 8: Doggie Style BeerWhen is a beer not a beer? When it’s made with neither hops nor carbonation, has no alcohol and comes in two flavors: beef and chicken. Is this still a beer? i’m not convinced but Bowser Beer seems to think it is, because he’s marketing this sweet malt barley beverage as beer for dogs.
i dunno. The hops, alcohol and carbonation in beer is bad for the fairer pet and if you can’t use this to get a bitch drunk and screw the pooch, then it’s not beer in my book. Tell you what, i’ll rethink this when i walk into a bar and the tender asks if i want my brew chicken or beef flavored.
You ask me and i’ma tell you even if you don’t, Chick Beer is real beer and is marketed for babes who aren’t dogs.
In Dog Beers, I've only had one.
Speaking of babes who aren’t dogs, there’s some drawer shots of this mess down there, too.
The 50 drunkest States in the US are… Not really, the 16 drunkest States are at the other end of that link above if you wanna go there, but i can tell you right now that the #1 Drunkest State in the US is Wisconsin. Just in case you’re having troubles picturing that, here’s what it looks like.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Avril Lavigne in the Bar None - Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
If you’re going to whup one ass this year, let it be as fine as Avril Lavigne’s who got hers kicked outside a bar in the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. But people, come on! If you’re kicking ass then kick the ass—not the face! When it comes to asses, my motto has always been “Make love, not war.”
You know who got the worst of it though? The boyfriend, of course. You know me (and if you don’t then i’ve got just the thing to fill that empty hole), i don’t understand a lot about many things but what i’ve gotten out of this is that Avril got drunk and started talking shit with some other chicks and that got physical so her boyfriend was all like “Stop” so they dragged his ass into it and the boyfriends of the other chicks jumped in and jumped them and hit Brody Jenner (Avril’s penile implant).
Which, come one now, is totally understandable. Seriously, the price you pay to tap someone like Avril Lavigne’s ass is getting yours dragged into the shit and kicked twice yearly. Totally worth it, am i right?
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You will not believe the drawer shots i got going on down there of this mess.
i’m here to help y’all’s assess out with a piece… of advice. Which is, if you ever get pulled over for drunk driving, especially if you blow 0.19% in a state where the legal limit is 0.08%, which is all of them, then you should become a rich child star as fast as possible.
Like Ryan Rottman who is a star on Nickelodeon (did you know that isn’t an oxymoron?) who fucked all kinds of up but had the DUI knocked down to some baby reckless driving charge, which means no jail and a baby fine of $390. Maybe the judge felt sorry for him because he had to party with Zac Efron and Rumer Willis. Judge pro’lly figured thel poor kid had to be drunk to survive shit like that.
Just to point out that Saint Pauly posted another one of those weird ass reviews over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). This time it’s about The Hangover.
Lyrics to “Last Friday Night”
There’s a stranger in my bed, There’s a pounding my head Glitter all over the room Pink flamingos in the pool I smell like a minibar DJ’s passed out in the yard Barbie’s on the barbeque There’s a hickie or a bruise Pictures of last night Ended up online I’m screwed Oh well It’s a black top blur But I’m pretty sure it ruled Last Friday night Yeah we danced on tabletops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credit cards And got kicked out of the bar So we hit the boulevard Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping in the dark Then had a menage a trois Last Friday night Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop-op Whoa-oh-oah This Friday night Do it all again This Friday night Do it all again Trying to connect the dots Don’t know what to tell my boss Think the city towed my car Chandelier is on the floor With my favorite party dress Warrants out for my arrest Think I need a ginger ale That was such an epic fail Pictures of last night Ended up online I’m screwed Oh well It’s a blacked out blur But I’m pretty sure it ruled Damn Last Friday night Yeah we danced on table tops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credits card And got kicked out of the bars So we hit the boulevards Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping int he dark Then had a menage a trois Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop-op Oh whoa oh This Friday night Do it all again Do it all again This Friday night Do it all again Do it all again This Friday night T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. Last Friday night Yeah we danced on table tops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credit cards And got kicked out of the bar So we hit the boulevard Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping in the dark Then had a menage a trois Last Friday night Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop Oh-whoa-oh This Friday night Do it all again
As soon as i start climbing out, they start piling more dregs on top of me. Included in these dregs i’m trying to sift through are naked drunk drivers, a Brit stuck in a toilet seat, a Limey who ran himself over, a female ball biter, the Pabst Blue Ribbon Belly, the hypocritical politician (OK, the drunken hypocritical politician–OK, the arrested drunken hypocritical politician), the guy who missed the girl on girl action at Oktoberfest and should’ve come here instead of what he did and way more than a human being could ever shake their limp stick at. Fuck it and drink to it.
From the juiced-box and someone else who will drink to that: Rihanna – Cheers (Drink To That)
i kicked off this post with some belated Oktoberfest festivities in honor of Daniel Ford Artley. You know how i know this guy’s a loser? He called the Snowbird Ski Lodge and told them a Pakistani colleague who didn’t like Americans had planted a bomb there and it was set to go off in 15 minutes. Authorities evacuated the Oktoberfest celebration and there was no bomb but at least Danny Boy was idiot enough to call from his own house so his home number showed up on caller ID when he made the threat.
He told arresting officers that he made the call because a friend of his had gone to the Oktoberfest party and Fartley thought the threat might mean the friend would have to come home early and they could hang out.
In the intro i posted the pretty side of Oktoberfest, but Daniel missed out on more than just drunken hot girls kissing each other all the time. He also missed out on this, the ugly side of Oktoberfest.
i wanna eat at Luigi’s in Farmington, Michigan. Apparently Luigi’s is called a family restaurant because the food is so good it makes people want to start a family. Or maybe sleep with people from their family, i’m not sure, because Tim Adams who’s only like 54 was pulled naked from a Buick Regal that was all steamed up and rockin’ because he was rocking it with Rita Daniels, 71. The Regal was in Luigi’s parking lot, near the front door and i’m so jealous, not because John can leave a grandma with that kind of sweaty glow, but because he was charged with indecent exposure (sure) but also disorderly intoxication and in my 30 years of drinking, i was never accused of that. OK, legally.
For those of you out there who still believe women are interested in you for more than your liquor or your money, check this out. The Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer heir (yes, the King of the whole Trailer Park) has a beer belly but his girlfriend has 6-pack abs.
You’ve been tired, sure, but have you ever been “tired“? Next time you wake up from a nap still feeling a little run down, check your back for tire tracks because maybe you were. Like maybe you were so drunk driving that you ran yourself over. What, it could happen.
It did in England, to Andrew Haimes (47). He was found by police sleeping under his car after he got drunk and got out of the van, left it in gear, passed out in front of it, and it ran him over. First off, Haimless, thanks for making everyone in the Bar None look like rocket scientists. Second, no offense, brother, but if the van rolled over your balls and popped them like grapes then you wouldn’t be able to pass your dirty, old genes onto future drinkers. Just sayin’.
Curry Todd is the name of a chicken, but not a chicken meal. This official Tennessee redneck is the one who fought for your right to take your gun into a bar. Left on his own he probably would have also advocated tuna dinners in the home for blind lesbians and porcupine pocket pets, but he was stopped on his way to the top for drunk driving.
Dude was pulled over late at night and failed a road sobriety test with the honorable mention from the cops that Todd was “almost falling down at times”. Todd refused a breathalyzer, which was probably his only good idea of the night because the cops also said Curry was “obviously very impaired and not in any condition to be carrying a loaded handgun.”
Because, oh, yeah, he wasn’t the only thing loaded. There was 38 tucked between the seat and the console.
Speaking of good ideas, here’s something up Curry’s alley.
If your drinking game doesn’t end with someone stuck in a toilet seat, you’re playing it wrong. Or you’re not English.
This 26 year old bloke from Tudhoe (which is just code for “Turdhole”) was with friends playing “Can You Fit This Over Your Head?” i’m sure the first thing they tried was his buddy’s ass but because they’re English that would not have been a problem to slip on and off, so the next thing they tried was a toilet seat. This, being narrower than an English man’s ass, got stuck on the guy’s body and after 2 hours of writhing (where he probably didn’t get much drinking done) he waddled to the fire department where they had to cut the seat off of him. i’m sure he was flushed.
We Got a Safer Toilet Drinking Game in the Bar None
Here’s what happens when tea bags go horribly, horribly wrong.
In a drunken brawl, Maria Georgina Topp took her boyfriend’s nutsack in her mouth, bit down and ripped that bag of tender jewels clean off. This may very well be the only time you hear me say that spitting is preferable to swallowing because the guy was able to get his balls sewed back on with 19 stitches. Topp says she was too drunk to say she remembered what happened but her attorney’s are saying the man was on Topp, straddling her when the incident occurred. Hurl Grey, anyone?
Bar None's Artist Hallucination of What That Looked Like
Bitch is just lucky her boyfriend wasn’t Wesley Warren Jr. This poor bastich has two big problems and by “big” i mean 50 pounds each. Wes has scrotal elephantiasis so he has 100-pound balls. i’d like to see Maria Georgina Topp try to gnaw those things off. Hell, ol’ Wes’d probably thank her and give her a tip.
Bar None Dregs
Kicking things off here, i wanna thank John D from Crawley for become a subscribing patronizer of the Bar None. God Bless You and Give You Money, John, and may your time here be well wasted.
If you, too, would like to see your name up in lights, or like this, alls you gotta do is click on the “subscribe” button at the top of the column over there.
While i’m throwing up the thanks, i’d like to give a shout out to Bukowski’s Basement, Andrea, Ingar, Raquel, and, as usual, The Rod for “Liking” The Bar None. What’s a good bar without a handful of regulars?
And just because they were there first, they got to see tons of fun stuff, like my new bad habit, Drunk & Demotivated. Exclusive to the Bar None. And here. And a lot of other places maybe.
Lest we forget. As raunchy as i get here, i do have a softer side to my recovery (y’all do remember i haven’t had a drop to drink since January 2011, right?). If you’re interested in my journey through recovery with more friends and more support and fewer boobs, check out Al K Hall-ic Anonymous.
To tie this one off for the night, i’m going to post the Celeb Dregs pro’lly tomorrow or the day after. Will you be here?