From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Marilyn Manson – I Put A Spell On You
i got bragging rights again. Harry Potter and the Deathly Shallows: Part 2 came out in Yeaman on Wednesday the 13th of July and i got to see it on the morning of the 14th, one full day before most of y’all. Don’t be too jealous, though, read on to see why…
[Press 'Play' for s-s-s-s-s-some r-r-r-real st-t-t-tut-t-t-t-tering]
Ramblings: The King’s Peachy
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with English royalty—even one you’d bone? Sure, they’re nice enough as they sit there sipping the tea they spiked with Beefeater and they’re cooler than you thought because they get a little buzz on and tell a few jokes and say some shit you wouldn’t expect a Queen or a queen (hey, that’s the way they roll) to say and open up a little wider than you’d have thought possible as the gin starts diluting their blue blood, but they never truly cut loose as an English girl after three pints. Nobody laughs so hard beer comes out their nose and nobody gets so drunk they piss themselves and walk around in squishy shoes but instead, like at a British pub, the whole evening shuts down at around 11pm. You’ll be entertained for sure, but if you want a movie that’s not as flat and tepid as English beer, The King’s Speech is a royal disappointment.
Miss Demeanor Says This Looks Like Our Apartment
i liked The King’s Speech and if you don’t believe me all you have to do is look up there and check out the 3½ shots i gave this bad boy. This movie was as traditional and respectable and pleasant as teatime, and if that’s what you’re looking for then go and see this and god bless you and all who sail on you. But if you’re looking for something with more kick than warm milk, you may find yourself less high than dry here.
Still, i had a couple favorite parts and they were this one scene where the ponce and future King (Colin Firth) learned he could overcome his stammer by swearing. The other really cool thing was his wife’s (Helena Bonham Carter) desperate hope that things would be OK for him. That was pretty touching.
I G-g-g-got Your B-b-b-back
The rest of the movie was interesting in a historical way because there was a lot of shit that happened in England before that i really didn’t care a lot about and this movie showed me why not. Plus it got nominated for a buttload of Oscars so it must’ve been a good movie.
Speaking of Oscars, i wanna raise a glass to Colin Firth and foremothe because he got so drunk after winning a BAFTA (the British rip off of the Oscars) that he left his statue in the bar. If that’s what he does when he wins, i’m hoping if he loses he’ll come into the Bar None to drown his sorrows.
Guess what, we got us some vestibule virgins… i’m carding Freya Wilson and Romona Marquez. Freya played the young Princess Elizabeth, Romona was Princess Margaret and, at 11 and 10 years old very respectively, these talented young ladies aren’t allowed any further into the Bar None.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 0 Shots
Yeah, this movie was as sexy as pre-war England. Or post-war England. Or England any time, if you want to know the truth. Seriously, when someone asks you to rank sexy places, the United Kingdom is at the top only of Tom Cruise’s or Richard Gere’s To Do list and that’s just because it’s home to Freddy Mercury, Elton John and George Michaels.
Of course, there’s Helena Bonham Carter but she can’t carry the sexy for the movie all alone, especially with all the clothes they made her wear. Sure, it was nice seeing her in a more traditional than Harry Potter and the Burton stuff, it just would’ve been nicer to see her more traditionally naked.
Here’s more action than you’ll see from her in the movie.
There’s a couple spare shots of her hanging out in my drawers. Keep scrolling down ’til you see them.
For those of you less into tongues than twisters, i got Colin Firth.
Drink: 1 Shot
Not a whole hell of a lot of that going on here either but at least it was more than the sex.
Here’s the breakdown:
They drink whiskey from a decanter
Expensive champagne and buckets of booze at King Edward’s Scottish party
Beer in pubs during The Speech
The King's Speech in the Bar None
Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush): My father was a brewer, at least there was free beer.
Lionel: I’ll just put on some hot milk.
Prince Albert / King George VI (Colin Firth): I’d kill for something stronger.
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: David Seidler
Directed by: Tom Hooper
Helena Bonham Carter – Queen Elizabeth
Freya Wilson – Princess Elizabeth
Ramona Marquez – Princess Margaret
Colin Firth – King George VI
Geoffrey Rush – Lionel Logue
See it so you’ll have something to talk about when pseudo-intellectuals squat the stool next to yours.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds – O Children
[Press 'Play' for some "mopping up the butcher's floor / Of your broken little hearts"]
Ramblings: Rough Sects & Deathly Shallow
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a cult leader? Everywhere they go there’s all these hangers-on like martyrs on their crosses hanging on every word and no matter what the leader does, people fall to their knees and say it’s inspired but you know me (and if you don’t, pass me a glass and count your blessings) i’m not the type of drinker that’s gonna fall for that kind of prop-upganda. Because that’s exactly what this passionate play is all about, the literature, and you gotta read the instructions or else you don’t really get what all the zeal is about, it all just seems like self-glorification. So you’re drinking holy water with this leader and you seem to be the only one who doesn’t know what he’s talking about and all the people around you who’ve read the tracts religiously are enthralled like sinners on the road to salvation and you feel like a thorn in this guy’s side because the only kind of service you’re interested in is tableside. So you nod your head and play along and it’s amusing to watch the show while the faithful speak in tongues, gnash their teeth and do their dances but when it all comes down to it, the cult leader is a little boring and isn’t as deep as the glass you’re drinking from. That’s the kinda not so religious experience that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1) is like.
You want the short version of this review? Here it is: read the book or stay at home. You know me (and if you don’t just stop drinking until you remember), i read all the time—beer labels, drink recipes and wine lists…yeah, i’m all about reading—but i didn’t peruse the Hairy Bible series and it’s hard to give a rat’s ass about HP&DH1 if you haven’t read the program.
i’d love nothing more than to give you chapter and verse of the movie but i really didn’t get even an inanimate conception of what the hell was going on here. Anyway, either you read the book or you didn’t and if you did then you already know what happened and if you didn’t you probably won’t understand it any better than me; it’s just our cross to bear. Let’s just say there was lots of manifesting all over heaven and earth, plus more action than i remember in the last movie (which i don’t remember a lot of because i slept through lots of it) but not as much as the first couple ones. Also, i keep reading that this movie is the most faithful adaptation, so if you don’t feel like seeing the flick but telling people you did, just say it was close to the book and everyone will believe you.
In the old days i would of told you the effects made this special but, babes, have you checked a calendar recently? We’re way past the days of CGI impressing us and there’s nothing here we haven’t seen before. The coolest part of the movie was a low tech, 2D sequence where Hermione reads “The Tale of the Three Brothers”. The animation is rocking cool and i was really impressed by the story telling as well. Like i said before, i didn’t read the books, but if “The Tale of the Three Brothers” is an indication of J.K. Rowling-in-the-Bucks’s talent, she seems to be more than halfway decent.
My other favorite part of HP&DH1 was the cast. Helena Bonham Carter makes hideous look sexy, Ralph Fiennes is fine, Alan Rickman is the man, and Bonnie Wright is oh so. What about the Potter, the Sun and the Holey Toast (that’d be Harry, Hermione and Ron)? Like Jesus Knows Rowling, the Creator that built this Universe in 7 volumes, her characters and the actors that portray them continue to evolve with each successful effort, waiting for their ultimate ascension to elysian realms of Jesus Christ Superstardom.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
Yeah, yeah, like y’all are super surprised we only get one shot here. i’ll tell you what was surprising, though, Emma Watson side boob. And i’m not even kidding. There’s this one scene when a cloud or a tree or something is trying to make Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint, who i’m not even gonna exposé here, if you wanna see my Rupert shots you’re gonna hafta click here for the Booze Revooze of Wild Target) jealous so the entity puts on an en-titty show with a naked Hermione (played deliciously by the ever so legal Emma Watson) hugging a naked and hairy Harry (Daniel “I’m Not Gay, I’m English” Radcliffe). All the good parts are hidden by swirling smoke, but if you don’t blink you’ll see the briefest of glimpses of what we experts in movie reviewing refer to as “sideboobage”.
Speaking Her-miney, check out the picture over there on the left. Dollars to Drambuie you don’t know who the hell it is and i’m here to tell you her name is Susie Figgis. If you’re ever in a bar and you see this woman ask her for stock market tips because Susie Figgis is blessed with the gift. She was the casting director for the very first Harry Potter which means she’s the one who chose Emma Watson as Hermione Granger and look what a great investment that turned out to be. Emma was cute as a sprout and blossomed into a beautiful young lady which turned out better because can you imagine what would’ve happened if a post-pubescent Emma Watson (20) looked like Susan Boyle? Yeah, i know. Thank god Emma turned out like this.
i got some pretty pretty single shots of Ms Watson rolling around my drawers “down there” if you wanna scroll to check that action out.
Following Emma on the cast list is Miss Bonnie “Miss” Wright (19). She plays Harry’s love interest, Ginny “Tonic” Weasley. i like her because she’s a redhead, even if i’m not convinced she’s a true redhead, because the next best thing to a real red head is a red head wannabe. Here’s what i’m on about.
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
There’s more of the Wright stuff stuffed in my drawers at the bottom.
To change things up, we also had us some Helena Bonham Carter (44) action in HP&DH1 and if you haven’t heard me wax all over the place about how orgasmicaly cool Helena Bonham Carter is, you could see what that’s all about right here. One thing i didn’t mention before was how hot she is despite how decidedly odd she is. She put the “freak” back in “freaky”, ‘s what i’m saying. She’s the “oh” in “weird-o” and the “hot” in “psychotic”. You better stop me now because i could go on like this for days once i’m on a roll. She put the “in” back in “insane”, she drove the “screw” in “screwy” and busted the “nut” in “nutty”. Yeah, i’ll stop impressing you now to give you a taste of what i mean.
So Helena did a very cool job with her acting chops as Bellatrix Lastrange, shoving some meat into the skin deep role and adding a whole lot of depth. Plus she looked great doing it.
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
Got some more shots of she who puts the “rave” in “raving” down below, in my drawers.
First up we have the very understated performance of a very cute girl who i know is cute because she’s French and if you’re not cute in France they kick you out and make you move to Belgium. Here then is Clémence Poésy (28), who played a Weasley fiancée named Fleur Delacour.
Ooh la la. Dere are manee mohr shots of ‘er een ze drers at ze bottume.
Finally, there’s the lovely Evanna Lynch (19) who makes her appearance as Luna Lovegood. And yes she does, here’s the proof.
There’s some more Luna Tickle in my drawers.
For those of you more into magic wands than boiling cauldrons, there’s Daniel Radcliffe (21):
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
Here’s what made me say he’s not gay, he’s English; sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.
Daniel Radcliffe Gayish - Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
You know who else i think is cool? Alan Rickman (54). He’s been in all the Harry Potter movies but he’s been in some good films, too. Here’s kind of a greatest shots shot.
Drink: 0 Shots
Helena Bonham Carter & Emma Watson At The Bar None Together
Yeah, guess what, there’s no booze in this thing. The only fucking high school in the universe where kids don’t get drunk. There’s a couple potions, one of which tastes like goblin piss and makes you look like someone else but that sounds suspiciously like day-old Leffe that’s been leffe-d out over night.
Nope, the only real alcohol reference is champagne glasses that get refilled automatically at the wedding between a Weasley and the hot French toast. i’m telling you, Daniel Radcliffe’s 21st birthday party was a hell of a lot more fun, you ask me.
Daniel Radcliffe Drunk
Rock & Roll: ½ Shot
i’m feeling a little generous today so i’ll give the inclusion of a Nick Cave song in the movie a little nod, despite its being as out of place as a drunken poet at a kid’s Barbie Princess Party. Plus, like i already said, there was more action here than in the previous one (but not as much as the first couple), so i should pro’lly be as encouraging as possible and hope for the best when it comes to HP&DH2.
Boring Technical Crap
J.K. Rowling (novel Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)
Steve Kloves (screenplay)
Directed by: David Yates
Emma Watson – Hermione Granger
Bonnie Wright – Ginny Weasley
Helena Bonham Carter – Bellatrix Lestrange
Clémence Poésy – Fleur Delacour
Evanna Lynch - Luna Lovegood
Daniel Radcliffe – Harry Potter
Rupert Grint – Ron Weasley
Alan Rickman – Professor Severus Snape
See it in the movies only if you read the book and feel the spell. If not, wait for it to come out on a double DVD pack with part 2.
[AllKHallism: Don't mean to get all responsible on you, i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child's film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. Alice In Wonderland: PG. The Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker: NC-18. If you follow the link down the rabbit hole, you have only yourself to blame, sicko.]