Sheen There, Done That, Lost the T-Shirt

TMZ posted this picture and claimed it was Charlie Sheen giving money to the poor.

Bullshit. This is the poor giving money to Charlie Sheen. The dude on the ground saw the Sheener and said, “You look like a sober Roy Orbinson brah, go buy yourself some inebriation and clothes that don’t hurt my eyes so much.”

Self Unemployed: I’ll Sleep On It

 Before we get to the goodies, here’s the goods. Straight up from the juiced-box, a brother who has lived there, died from it, then went back to live there again. The man, Warren Zevon. His message? My shit’s fucked up.

[Press ‘Play’ for some fucked up shit. You’ll come for the lyrics, but the guitar part will make you come.]

Here’s the latest photo i’ve added to my Self Unemployed: Help Wanted page.

Another Beer? Let Me Sleep On It.

Bar None Dregs

As you all may or may not care, Miss Demeanor and i are leaving on our annual Sabbatical to Camp David Hasselhoff. The Rod has kindly offered to look after the place in our absence, so here’s to The Rod. Three Beers for The Rod! This also means that i will not be able to respond to comments with my usual rudeless efficiency. Please feel free to look around the site while you wait the 3 weeks it’ll take me to get back and get back to you.

Also, i don’t know if i mentioned it or not but Miss Demeanor will officially become Mrs Demeanor on 09/09, as that’s when i’m making a dishonest woman from her. And there was much rejoicing.

Here’s some more shots of what it will look like when Miss D and i fly away tomorrow.

Also in the news, i would officially like to thank Dana, Shankaripriya, and Mdgnh who are my three latest subscribers. Thank you for your confidence. i hope i can live down my reputation and up to your expectations. And thank you for patronizing me. If anyone else out there wants to have their name read by 3000 people a day, all you have to do is click the Subscribe button up top over there.

Speaking of readership, an important milestone just swooshed right past me and i didn’t even notice. Normally i’d blame my drunk blogging, but you know how that is. Anyway, some time about two weeks ago, i surpassed one million readers served. For proof all you have to do is look at the top of the column over there. Allow me to grovel a bit and to thank each of you who slid into the Bar None for whatever reason, be it the sexy shots of women, my delectable sense of humor, or the sexy shots women who am i kidding? Whatever the reason, you are all equally important in my eyes (especially Miss D, Wayne, The Rod, ITSB, Bats and Paulo the Lurker). Thanks, as always, for patronizing me.

Also, i just know that Saint Pauly kid would get all up in my shit if i didn’t point out that he posted another one of his funny movie thingies over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).

With that, i leave you to your own devices. Do with them what you will, where you will.

Thanks for patronizing me, Barmaids and Beerhounds,

Al K Hall

Self Unemployed: A Chalk Outline of His Former Self

Press ‘Play’ for some appropriate tuneage: Janis Joplin – Mercedes Benz

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town?

I’m counting on you, Lord, please don’t let me down.

Prove that you love me and buy the next round.

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town?

Here’s the latest photo i’ve added to my Self Unemployed: Help Wanted page.

A Chalk Outline of His Former Self

Bar None Dregs

i  forgot to mention a few weeks back that The Rod did me the great honor of posting some of my shit up over at Fernby Films even though i wrote it. It’s all about the Matrix Spillogy and is s’posed to be funny. Well, as funny as i get. Thanks, Rodney, for the place to show my goods. (That’s what Rhys Meyers said.)

Self Unemployed: Ghost of the Exploding Drunk

Press ‘Play’ for some appropriate tuneage: Black Label Society – 13 Years of Grief (from the killer album Skullage). Lyrics at the bottom of the post, yo.

Here’s the latest photo i’ve added to my Self Unemployed: Help Wanted page. i came across it on my way to work the other day and didn’t realize how brutal it truly was until i came back home and started playing with it. i’ve included a couple alternate versions as well.

Bar None Dregs

Just a little update on my sobriety. Since the Incident That Shall Not Be Named (the one where i got drunk, took massive amounts of pills to kill myself and spent 2 weeks in the hospital—but you didn’t hear it from me), i quit drinking and smoking. With cigarettes costing as much as they do now, i can’t afford to smoke and with drinking doing what it does to me, i can’t really afford to do that anymore either. May 11, 2011 was my 4 month sobriety day, s’what i’m saying.

In related news, i’ve changed the bio that pops up at the bottom of every post to reflect this new state of being me. i no longer refer to myself as “a functioning alcoholic (meaning i’ve held the same job for 17 years and have been living with Miss Demeanor for over a year now…)”, but have switched it to: “a non-practicing alcoholic (if after 30 years of practicing, you still can’t do something well, it’s best to just give it up)”. Plus, it’ll be 3 years come June for Miss D and i.

Thanks for still coming by even if i’m not cool anymore ’cause i don’t drink.

Just kidding, you and i both know i’m cooler than ever and i’ve got the goods to prove it.

“13 Years of Grief” by The Black Label Society off Skullage

Looking at the words, i think i musta confused the lyrics and thought he was saying “13 Years of Drinking”. Oh well, i’ll keep it here anyway because it’s still pretty fitting.

You’re so fuckin’ tough, so motherfuckin’ bad.
13 Years Of Grief, is all your folks ever had.
Just and ignorant cunt, talking such shit.
Tryin’ to act act like a man,
You little fuckin’ punk kid.
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Day of court, day of fear, in walks the judge.
Half a year, nothing less. No he wouldn’t budge.
Hand over your belongins, and your motherfuckin’ soul.
That’s the joy of life,
Six months in the hole.
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
You wrecked your mother, yeah you beat her down.
Teachers can’t protect you, when your friends are ’round.
What’s so tough, so motherfuckin’ bad.
13 Years Of Grief, is all your folks ever had.
Yeah! Son, look at you now!
Yeah! Son, look at you now

Self Unemployed: Cham-Pain

Here’s a recent photo i’ve added to my Self Unemployed page.

Cham-Pain: When you care enough to sleep off the very best

In other news… i’ve set a new drinking rule for myself. No more drinking at home. Basically, this means i’ll only be drinking wine at my 1 or 2 business lunches a week and a couple beers at the office’s Open Bar on Fridays. i plan to start hitting some gallery openings for another writing project i got going, so if they have champagne at some of those the man in the above picture may be me, but that’s a risk i’m willing to take.

A little about rules. i don’t have a tattoo. None. For the simple reason that i’ve never believed in anything long enough that i’d want it permanently etched into me. Rules are like this. i create rules for myself, not tattoos. i’m a big believer in evolution and i’m a big believer in change. i adopt rules knowing that they’ll get changed eventually and that change is a good thing. Right now, i think i’ve hit one the best one for me for the time being.

i’ll keep you “posted”.

PS “Ouroboros”. That’s what i’d get if i got a tattoo today. It’s an image of a snake eating it’s own tail and it’d look something like this:

Ask me again tomorrow, i’ll pro’lly tell you something different.

Self Unemployed: Hidden Motives

Here’s a recent photo of mine that i’ll be adding to the Photo’s: Self-Unemployed page.

Hidden Motives

In other news, i’m still dry. i haven’t had a drink since June 13, which means i’m going on a bazillion weeks dry. Some days are harder than others, but in general i’ve been enjoying this unusual feeling of what i can only assume is something y’all normal people refer to as “energy”. Another big plus is a slew of hangover free-days.

The other day i ate with five clients at the restaurant where i’ve become known as a drinking institution. Thinking everything was business as usual, the waiter brought us a second bottle of wine toward the end of the meal. My clients were kind of surprised, however, because we hadn’t finished out first bottle yet. i immortalized this moment on my cell phone.

The glass in the middle contains the two fingers i’d poured myself to throw everyone off the scent. Apparently it worked too well, as evidenced by the second bottle.

Oh yeah, if you care, i plan to fall off the wagon during my vacation which begins the 6th of August and ends on the 21st. You may wanna stay out of Yemen during that time.

That is all.

Thanks for patronizing me,

Al K Hall

Functional Alcoholic Slurperson