PS Dregs: Stan Marsh from South Park is an Alcoholic

Update 2011-10-20: Picture of Alcoholics Trey Parker & Matt Stone Naked at Bottom!

"I'm not drunk, I'm just drawn that way."

i almost forgot to mention in yesterday’s dregs that Stan Marsh of South Park is now an alcoholic. While many will no doubt say it’s a two-dimensional portrayal, it’s obvious the lines have been drawn. Young Stan may never be able to erase his colorful past, but we here at the Bar None hope he’ll be able to turn the page and start with a blank slate.

2011-10-20 Because someone had to go there and you wouldn’t:

 

 

Dregs of the Week: September 26 – October 13 (and the rest)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Dear god hurry up and help me the dregs are rising faster than i can write. Like asthma inhaler robbers, a chick dwarf tossing her 4-year-old, baby shoplifters, grandma and the scarecrow, fake boobs, real boobs (and real breasts too), the hits, the runs, the drips, the errors, the tunes and all the dregs you can handle plus a lot more.

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to the dregs sinking lower and lower this week: Kottonmouth Kings presents Johnny Richter – At It Again

[Please press ‘Play’ for the only rap song that goes, “No, you can’t stop this, it’s already started / You can’t pull the smell back after somebody farted.”]

Commoner Dregs

September 29: Another Use for 2-Year-Olds

Benjamin Sims & Danielle Howey (the woman is on the right)

If you’re gonna try out something smart, don’t do it in Indiana, they just may put you in jail for it. Case in point, Danielle Howey (26) and Benjamin Sims (27) went to a Southbend Meijer’s with a 2-year-old they were babysitting. What can you do with a 2-year-old? Nothing right? Try thinking outside the box of wine, like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer. They turned a boring shopping trip into an educational experience by using the baby’s covers as cover for the 10 bottles of alcohol  they were shoplifting. How do you want to bust a couple who are trying to teach a kid about aiding and a-bedding?

September 29: This Tosser is a Real Mother

Nikki Settle decided the third time was the charm after her first two attempts to drive drunk ended in failure, or at least arrests. And successful she was, if your definition of success includes swerving back and forth between lanes on the highway before crashing into one of those wire fence things that separates lanes on the highway.

She grabbed her 4-year-old from the car and carried him across the oncoming traffic to a 10-foot roadside fence. To make her escape, she tried to hurl the little boy over the top. Repeatedly. Because she could not chuck him up high enough.

Eventually, some of the audience decided to intervene and convince her to step away from the child and wait for the cops to help her get help going to jail.

September 29: Canadian Missed

Imagine you’re a cop somewhere like Chesterton, Indiana, and you get a call about a drunk driver on a golf cart so you investigate and at a convenience store you see a grandma in the parking lot with a golf cart, a scarecrow and a fifth of Canadian Mist.

How many drinks have you had, ma’am?

A couple.

How many is that?

Around ten.

Yeah, that’d be trippy.

Bar None Artist's Hallucination

October 2: One Hell of a Catch

Drunken Russian fisherman (which is like saying “cat pussy kitten” or “gay cocksucking Bieber”) got the surprise catch of their lives when they were trawling in a sea with no vowels and the biggest fish ever surfaced right in front of them. The huge whale tried to signal them away, but they weren’t drunk enough to fall for that old trick and they barreled straight ahead and rammed it. Turns out Moby Dick was full of seamen because it was a Russian nuclear sub. Those lucky fishermen may never have to fish again.

О черт!

September 20: Grin and Bear It

And you thought your life was boring. Man you ain’t never lived in Pennsylvania. For fun in Pennsylvania, they go to the bar and they don’t cow tip but they bear tip by pushing 800 pound stuffed bears over balcony railings and then high tailing it. Unbearable? Not as bad as coming back after the place has closed to steal the stuffed animal. i couldn’t bear the weighty responsibility but apparently drunker souls than i could.

PS The owner said the taxidermy cost him 10 grand, so it looks like he’d already been ripped off before the grizzly heist.

September 20: Drinks Are On The House

Here’s an idea that’s got “wrong” written all over it so badly it’s like a drunk trying to tattoo himself with a sharpie.

This woman wants to sell her house but no one is showing much interest. So she decides to offer a $1000 tab at the bar across the street.

Here’s why that idea sucks more than a sorority girl doing a keg stand. The only new interest she’s going to get is from drunk people to stupid to realize they are spending $450,000 to get a free $1,000 and is someone that fucked up really the person you want to be in debt to you for half a million dollars?

Hell, it’s even a bad deal for the dumb ass, bar stool sample alkie because he’s going to get so fucked up at the bar he lives across the street from that he’ll never be able to drink there again.

Next time someone tells you drinks are on the house, make sure it’s someone else’s house.

September 23: A Clean Getaway

Everything about these three stooges is normal.

    • They’re 19
    • They like Tecate
    • They decide to steal beer because they’re underage

So Hooey and Dooey go into the store while Loony stays behind as wheel-boy. Dooey grabs a 30-pack (go big or go home, boys) and makes a break for it with Dooey, who is nabbed by employees in the parking lot. Loony drives off, abandoning Hooey. The cops come and pursue him on foot.

Here’s where his going gets good. He runs through a car wash and when he comes out the exit with his mind the only thing left dirty, the cops are there waiting for him.

The only thing even near as funny are Larry, Moe and Curly’s mug shots. Careful boys, if you make faces like that they may stay that way.

September 28: The Best Defense Is Strongly Offensive

Robert Will (and so would you if you had half a chance) showed up at Court on drunk driving charges drunk. He stunk of alcohol so Court officials gave him a portable breathalyzer, which he bombed, so Will’s mouthpiece said Robert won’t be tried until he’s sober. The judge agreed.

i’m thinking all Will will do is stay drunk so he can never be guilty. Innocent until proven sober, babes.

September 26: Hold up Your Breath

This cracker named Graham robbed two guys who’d just bought a case of Budweiser by holding up the peeps at little silver gun point. He ran away with the case, dropping cans in his escape, so when the cops showed up, they just had to follow the trail of beer to find Ashton Graham who did not have a super duper spy gun after all, but had threatened the dudes with his asthma puffer. Yes, he held them at inhaler point.

Then, in the police car, he stuck his head through the cruiser window. Will he be released any time soon? Don’t hold your breath.

September 27: A Real Mother Fucker

Don’t you hate it when you’re hanging out on the side of the road, sipping your brewsky, unwinding and stuff and the police pull up and ask you where your parents are because you’re underage to be drinking? Yeah, that sucks almost as much as pointing to the car next to you because that’s where your mother is, in the back seat of that car, under your best friend.

The next time you ask your mom, “Can my friend come?” make sure she knows what you mean.

Jennifer Wilson

Celebrity Dregs

September 19: Women are Boobs (Better Real Than Fake)

Look, i honestly don’t know what a Heidi Montag is or what her overall purpose is in the grand scheme of things. The only reason i picked this up is because these shots of her drunk at her birthday party in Las Vegas remind me of the photographs at the end of The Hangover. It’s not everyday you see a picture of a doll this inflated.

‘Cause you know i’m gonna go there again, and y’all know that by ‘there’, i mean ‘boobs’ because i’ve still had it up to here with fake boobs. You know who’s cool? Heather Morris, who i already told you was cool right here. Heather is the young lady from Glee (the cheerleader – the hot one – OK, the lesbian hot one – OK, the Bi hot one who’s blonde). She had a boob job and then you know what she did, clever little young lady that she is? She had a boob job, and then had them removed! Go Sister, Go Sister, mnanmananan Soul Sister!

Here’s a collage as inflated as Montag’s ego:

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

And i also have some shots swelling in my drawers…just keep strolling down til you hit them.

September 23: This Is Why You Wanna Be Famous

Member all of these fucking losers i talk about nonstop in the commoner dregs? You know how i know they’re losers? ‘Cause they actually did the time for the crimes they committed.

The real weiners are famous, good looking, rich people like Ryan Gosling. In 2005, this hot dog (he sticks his sausage in buns) was arrested for “driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs” and “driving with a blood alcohol content of 0.08 or greater”, which was plea bargained down to “excessive speeding” which is why no one, not even you, knew he got busted for drink driving until now because i just told you. Man, i bet all those saps in the commoner dregs wish they could be tried under Rich & Famous law. Still, someone’s gotta fill the prisons.

But i’m all about the justice, so here’s a taste of it for the little guy.

Ryan Gosling Mug Shot

i stuck a collage of him down in my drawers because i’m all about the equal opportunity exploitation.

September 29: Here’s Where You Wanna Drink the Kool-Aid

Apparently cult leader and murderer Jim Jones is not dead but instead is now black and a rapper. Plus a really good fucking friend. Seriously, with friends like him, who needs better friends?

[From the juiced-box: Jim Jones and Jha Jha – What You Been Drankin On?]

He had a buddy who turned 32 so they went to some club and Jim was jonesing for some booze so he ordered a bottle of champagne at around 600 bucks a pop for each year of his pal’s years. 32 bottles of Moet Nectar Rose came to $20,000. Then you know what he left for a tip? 2 more grand. That right there is more of a gentleman than Lindsay will ever be. Seriously, man, Respect.

October 5: Champagne Wars

Not to be outdone by some stupid (commie’s words, not mine, brosky) American rapper, the son of a Russian billionaire dropped $112,550 on booze at a restaurant, and just like Jim Jones, most of it was for someone else and in this case i get it because it was on Heather Graham, who i personally would drop anything on that she’d let me, including the 100,000 bucks i don’t even have because i would go that deep into debt for her.

The other cool thing is what the Rusky bought because it was a Nebuchadnezzar which you don’t even know what it is so stop playin’. It’s 15 liters of booze in one bottle (that’s more than seven 2-liter bottles of Pepsi, for you in the trailers) but in this case it’s Armand de Brignac Champagne, AKA “Ace of Spades”.

You know who else was there? Zac Efron. You know what Zac Enron almost dropped? The fucking bottle. Here’s what TMZ has to say about that shit.

Sources inside Board Room nightclub in Chicago tell TMZ … Zac attempted to lift the full 15 litre bottle on Tuesday night. We’re told Zac learned the hard way it was too heavy for him — but managed to hold on just long enough to avert the ultimate disaster.

But back to Heather Graham, because she’s so worth it.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There’s tons more Heather hanging out in my drawers down below. Scroll until you hit pay dirt.

September 30: Full-bodied Drunk

Elle Macpherson proved once again how super of a model she truly is by getting trashed in London in a bar that wants to steal the name The Bar None because it’s called C London. As in, “i C London, i C France, i see Elle’s underpants,” and a lot more.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Elle MacFearless is in my drawers as well.

October 5: Demi More

Did you guys know Demi Moore had an alcohol soaked past? How come you didn’t tell me? i had to find out when this one chick web site said Demi fell back into the bottle because Ashton started playing with other chicks’ Kutchers.

Here’s a taste of that.

Demi More in the Bar None

Bar None Dregs

First up, a big welcome to this twisted hottie called Alchemy of Mind who is our latest subscriber and regular in the Bar None. Put your feet up, babe, and what’s your poison? If any else out there wants to have their name read by 3000 plus people a day, all you gotta do is subscribe over there at the top right.

And guess what!? i have another friend way closer than you! (The Rod excepted because he already proved his friendship in ways i wouldn’t care to mention.) Raquel has joined those who “Like” The Bar None’s Facebook Page! Bringing the grand total to 3. Hey, what can i tell you, it’s an elite place.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Heidi Montag – BEFORE the surgical disaster

Ryan Gosling

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Heather Graham

Heather Graham in the Bar None

Heather Graham After the Bar None

Elle Macpherson

Elle Macpherson in the Bar None

Demi Moore

Demi Moore in the Bar None

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Purple Melon – Kings of the World

Ramblings: Dammit of the Apes

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk on designer cocktails? They look better than they taste and they don’t carry the wallop of the good, old fashioned Old Fashioneds even if they’re not unpleasant or anything because it’s still booze you’re drinking no matter how modern it its, but it’s a little too trendy and overpriced and when you finish it too quickly you have a hankering for punch with more punch and wine with less whine. Go back to the source, barmaids and boozehounds, and drink the old shit straight up because the whores with the most exotic names are the ones who leave you hanging. That’s the kind of aftertaste Rise of the Planet of the Apes will leave you with.

What do you want to know? The CGI monkeys were well done and the movie was pretty visually stunning but Apes spends a lot of time building without ever getting anywhere. Compared to the original, it’s not as revolutionary or evolutionary.

After i saw this movie and i was talking about it, i kept saying it was a pretty good movie but then when i checked my notes (yes, i take notes just like a real journalist) before writing this, i saw i didn’t like it as much as i  thought  i did. i guess that’s the hairy truth right there. Rise of the Planet of the Apes is like sleeping with your cousin. Better when you’re looking back than when you’re in it.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

i was so hard up for sex here i would’ve even gone for some of that funky, monkey sex. That’s a freaking movie for you. James Franco gettin’ some ape on. Freida Pinto rangin’ a tang.  As it is, this movie was as limp as James Franco’s performance at the Oscars. You know what’s sad? The most developed relationship in this whole movie was between a boy and his monkey. And you know what happens when the monkey misbehaves? The boy has to spank that monkey.

Starring in  the role of the veterinarian is the lovely and super talented Freida Pinto (26). That’s about all i can say about her because she was pretty much underused throughout this whole movie and her job was just to be a pretty face romantic interest for the others. It’s like her part didn’t exist until some marketing exec said, “Hold up, Bra’s [because marketing execs are still saying that], there aren’t any women in this whole freaking thing. We gotta find a hottie so the geekmates have something top look at while their boyfriends are drooling over the computer effects.”

Here’s what i drooled over…

Of course there’ll be more shots of her stuck in my drawers below.

Silken Butterflies

Here’s where Rise really rose. There was a nice selection of beautiful women rocking the secondary roles and the most important of all these was the incredible Chelah Horsdal as the in-home nurse, Irena. What’s really amazing about this young lady is she’s as intelligent as she is beautiful and gifted, because she’s agreed to do an interview with me here at the Bar None.

Here’s a taste of what we have to look forward to.

There was also an appearance by a tag team of two women who played key roles maybe not in the movie but certainly in my life as “Party Girls”. First things first, we had Leah Gibson as Party Girl #1.

Followed closely by Party Girl #2, Tracy Spiridakos.

Wrapping up the Silver Butterflies in the film is Makena Joy who plays the neighbor girl. Let’s just say, as the girl nextdoor, she’s Makena “Lotta” Joy.

For those of you in the Bar None more into primates than slimians, here’s James Franco.

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shot

"Ooops, No booze here."

The only real reference we had were the party girls who brought the beers into the cages before getting freaked out and running away.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2 shots

And it was all at the end. The song that leads out this review pretty much says it all. It’s short on rock and rolls more than it should. This movie is like a lost pizza guy: it goes a lot of places but doesn’t really deliver.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Amanda Silver & Rick Jaffa

Suggested by novel, La planète des singes by Pierre Boulle

Directed by: Rupert Wyatt

Starring

  • Freida Pinto – Caroline Aranha
  • Chelah Horsdal – Irena
  • Makena Joy – Alice Hunsiker (Teen)
  • Leah Gibson – Party Girl #1
  • Tracy Spiridakos – Party Girl #2
  • James Franco – Will Rodman
  • John Lithgow – Charles Rodman
  • Tom Felton – Dodge Landon

Bottom Line

Like a trip to the zoo, there’s nothing here to go apeshit over but it’s OK if you don’t have to pay to get in.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Freida Pinto (26)

Freida Pinto in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Celeb Dregs of the Week: Sept 11 – 25, 2011 (as if)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Because there is a God and he wanted Rosie Huntington-Whiteley drunk.

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to all these Dreggers: Asteria – Live Life to the Less

Celebrity Dregs: Things That Make You Go Hurl

September 14: i Love This Every Time i Make Myself  Think About It

The Bar None’s resident Bar Nun made the news again this week for shit that even i in my infinite Shitness have a hard time wrapping my brain around. Like one of those beer belches that turns out to be a barf so voluminous you can’t keep it in your mouth or swallow it back down so it spills forth from you in a reluctant flood down the front of your shirt and into a puddle on your lap, so was the way with all the drunken news about Lindsay Lohan that came out recently.

Starting with the normal abnormalities, Her Ho-ness went to a party for a magazine called V Magazine. What does “V” stand for? Why do you think they invited Lindsay…

At this party, Gin-dsay got drunk, as is her want, and threw a drink at a guy named Jasper because there are still parents out there somewhere in this wide and wonderful world of ours that think naming kids things like Jasper is a good idea. The reason she threw her drink at Jasper was not because he was a professional photographer for V Magazine, which he is, but because he was doing his job and took a picture of her. In public. At a party. For the magazine hosting the party she was getting drunk at.

Then, miscellaneously, some random person started bleeding at Linds’ table and had to be carried away by the Fire Department.

Oh yeah, and Lindsay’s mom, the Mohan (or “Mo-Fo-Han”, i still haven’t made up my mind) was there and drunk too.

September 15 (yes, the next day): “Here’s a Birthday Kiss. No tongue this time, Mom.”

Hold on, i’m gonna stop you right there before you start making all kinds of lesbian incest MILF jokes because this isn’t the kind of blog where we joke about that kind of thing.

This is the kind of blog where we post picutres about that kind of thing.

Seriously, how do you write about this? i swear to god i have no idea which end of this thing to grab and jerk on first. That a drunken, 25-year-old starlette is making out with her 49-year-old MIKOLTFOADIIWD (Mother I’d Kind Of Like To Fuck On A Dare If I Was Drunk) is news enough, but that it’s the Bar Nun! And her fucking Mother!

If i made life up it’d look a lot like this. Then you’d tell me i was sick and unrealistic.

And that doesn’t even include the Drawer Shots “down there”. Keep scrolling if you don’t believe me.

September 15: The Bar Niña

You know how i know California is the land of MILF and Honey? Because they got quantities of booze there that would morally bankrupt most hedonistic states. Not only did the city of Los Angeles contain sufficient volumes of booze to get Mommy and Little Lohan into some girl-on-girl (granted it proably took a lot less than they drank, but still) but also had enough left over to intoxicate Paz de la Huerta.

SPaz Dispenser showed up at a cat call for Boardwalk Empire and her (dis)appearance tempted HBO to retitle the show Bored-Stagger Empire. Here’s some shots for y’all to pour over.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Plus i got way more photos of Paz de la Hurla down in my drawers. Keep scrolling, babes.

September 23: “I know I’m drunk, but what am I?”

Before

After

Kim Delaney, the lovely 49-year-old actress (hey, like Dina Lohan!) i first fell in like with during NYPD Blue balls but fell in love with when she had a cameo in drunk driving court is now in Army Wives, which, it turns out, is not lesbian porn but a real TV show. The word “army” in the title automatically qualified Kim as a speaker at an event honoring U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, so in a surprise tribute to how fucked up the miliatry is, she arrived onstage fucked up.

After slurring together a string of words that don’t belong together, her speech was cut short by loud voices and an intern who couldn’t find a shepherds crook so ran on stage to drag Kim off.

Bar None's artist hallucination of Kim

Just in case you don’t know why i fell like a drunk man walking on a fence beam over a pig styinto love with her, here’s a wallpaper. Plus there’s some scrappy shots sliding around in my drawers.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

August 18: Depardieu Goes Oui-Oui on the Plane

Mythical French guy Gérard PépéLePew got super drunk on a plane that was going to fly to Dublin probably because he drank all the alcohol that was already in France and needed to drink another continent dry. But yellow journalists relieved themselves by leaking the story that while he was in continent he screamed out “I Need To Peace!” but no one let him because they probably didn’t understand that “Peace” is French for “Piss”.

But, despite the fact i just made these details up, no one let him pee so he stood up and peed in the aisle.  As in “Aisle be going now. Right here.” Of course the flight was cancelled. With all of the alcohol content in his urine, the pilot was worried about internal combustion or some shit so the flight was grounded like that time in high school i came home drunk and my Mom and Dad were still up.

Anyway, here’s in case you wanted a wallpaper of this mess.

September 21: Everyone Is Coming Up, Rosie

There’s a bar called The Box in a city called London. Not every place can be called Yeaman and have The Bar None, but here’s something that should put that other club and that London Town on the map: High model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley got drunk there. Come to the Bar None, Rosie! My box is always wide open for you.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley thinking outside The Box

i got some big ol’ Rosie shots filling my drawers, as well.

Bar None Dregs

TheBarNone.me

Go ahead, click on that link. i dare you. See!? The Bar None is now my private domain, literally. This way it’s tons easier to tell your friends all about this place so they can come by. Watch this, “Hey, check out ‘The Bar None dot Me’.” See how easy?

The Bar None

In my desire to take over the entire World Wide Web until the internet is known as TheBarNoneNet, i’ve set up a Facebook page for The Bar None. Please go there. Please Like me. Please tell your friends to Like me. The Rod is getting so lonesome.

Al K Hall, Plus 1

Will you be my +1? i have my own Google Plus page now, as well. If you want to be in my inner circle, just go here and add me all over the place.

Thank You For Patronizing Me

Gornoblonde is The Bar None’s latest patronizer! Thanks for the subscription, babe! Next time you stop by, leave a comment so i can welcome you properly.

And if you too want to be as famous as Gornoblonde and have your name seen by a daily average of 3500 people, all you gotta do is click the “Serve Me Up” button over there on the upper right.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Lindsay Lohan (25)

Paz de la Huerta (27)

Kim Delaney (49)

From a 2002 DUI Arrest

Bonus Oktoberfest Shots

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Commoner Dregs of the Week: September 11-17 (or the balls park)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

The Dregs have risen again and i know because they’re floating all around me. They’re floating in Ukrainian beer baths, sticking to James Bond drinking gadgets, spewing out of glove compartments, hanging out dead in strip clubs, drinking to not drinking, pulling out their own teeth and so much more other shit you won’t believe unless you read on.

Dedicated To Katherine Goldberg: Billy Joel – Captain Jack (Live)

[Press ‘Play’ for Captain Jack to get you high tonight…]

Commoner Dregs

September 9, 2011: You Smell Like A Brewery

They got more in the Ukraine than just a population of hot women who look like jailbait and can drink you under the table before marrying you for your papers so they can detour the whole white slavery route in order to escape to a country whose major industry isn’t sexual tourism. However, in case you don’t know what that looks like, here’s a wallpaper i made simply by Googling “Young Ukranian Brides”. So all of these women in this picture are available to the highest bidder.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Like i said, though, they got more than this because they also got baths. And before you go getting all smarmy and making all kinds of racist jokes, yes, i’m positive they have baths. They even go so far as to have beer baths because the oats and bubbles are supposed to rejuvenate the skin and the yeast is supposed to infect you with energy. Shit, if taking a bath in beer is that beneficial, imagine what would happen if you ingested it orally.

There’s some single shots of Ukrainian babes and the Ukrainian Babe President filling my drawers down below.

September Whenever: Jim Bond

From Russia With Drugs (OK, the Ukraine) comes The Spy Who Drunk Me. For Your Ice Only this is a License to Swill. This here’s a breathalyzer jacket so that if You Only Drink Twice from a Bottle of Solace, sipping some of that Vodkapussy, that you live to Rye Another Day and not Gin and Let Die.

What else do i got for The Man with the Golden Rum? The perfect accessory for the breathalyzer tux: Bottle Opener Cuff Links.

September 16: Dead Drunk

Ooh, someone needs a stiff drink.

Here’s a good idea for a movie that i just had. Let’s say there’s this one guy who’s poor so he has to crash at his buddy’s house ’til he gets on his feet but comes home to find the nice buddy will never get on his feet either because he’s now dead. With me so far? Ok, Po’ Boy (aka, Robert “Not So” Young) dumps the body in the car and hauls ass (and the dead ass) over to a restaurant where Mark Rubinson works and i’m guessing it’s not as “Resident Genius” ’cause “Not So” Young and Rubinson “Cube Head” drive the body to a couple restaurants and leave the corpse in the back seat of the car because they don’t even have to roll the windows down a crack.

Robert Young & Mark Rubinson Mugshots

Then in my terrific movie idea, they ditch the corpse at his house because who would want to take a stiffy to a strip club? And that’s exactly where they go, someplace called Shotgun Willie’s, and they’re not as stupid as i originally thought because they take the dead guy’s bank card because the last lap dance will be on him (figurely speaking, of course). The movie ends when the strip club closes and the guys flag down a cop and say there might be a dead guy back at the house. The End.

Hey, y’all? If i die and you find my body, don’t you dare treat me the way these guys treated their buddy. You damn well better take my ass into that strip club if you’re gonna use my fuckin’ money. If you leave me at home, i’ll haunt your ass for eternity.

[See that, bitches? The first journalist ever to write about this story and not make a reference to Weekend At Bernie’s. BOO-YA.]

September 1: I’ll Drink & Drive To That

As if her being young, sexy and drunk weren’t enough…

i mean, Kaitlin Rymaszewski would’ve earned a place in my heart and in these Dregs just for being hot, 22, and having a name that could choke Linda Lovelace—the irony of her story is just cream on top. She’s driving down the road, speeding, and when she sees the cops she starts braking and turning and turning and turning but the police catch up to her and pull her over.

Kaitlin M Rymaszewski Mugshot

The officer approaches the vehicle, smells alcohol and sees beer pouring out of the glovebox. Inside it is an open Bud Lite tall boy that she got as a present for completing an alcohol-education program she had to attend because she was busted for drunk driving in March 2011.

i can see why she got the certificate, though, ’cause she knows a whole lotta shit about booze.

Kaitlin, babe? You out there? Can i interview you for the Bar None?

September 15: What a Boner

It must have been hard for Gene Boner. Captain in the police department, this cock-up came prematurely off the road because he was drunk up to his Blue Policeman Balls. Let’s hope he gets the stiff punishment he deserves.

Gene Boner Mugshot

September 14: D.I.Y. Dentist It Yourself

You know how you sit around your place drinking and telling yourself that you’re not an alcoholic because there’s tons of alcoholic shit you ain’t never done? Here’s something you can add to that list.

After Francisco Rojas’ wife called 911, the police arrived to find a drunk man in his garage trying to pull out his own tooth with a pair of pliers. The room was full of the stench of the vomit he was able to extract tons easier than the tooth.

Francisco Rojas mugshot

Here’s something i don’t recommend you say to the police when they come to your garage:

This is my fucking house, I can say and do whatever the fuck I want. I’m fucking drunk and you can’t do nothing about it.

Especially because they will do something about it, like raise the garage door because of the puke stench and when they do all the neighborhood kids are gonna be standing in the driveway for the show and that for sure is gonna make you wanna say something like:

Fuck you, Mr. King. Take me to fucking jail.

This might pose a problem as none of the the cops are named Mr King and they really didn’t want to take you to jail in the first place but you just left them no other fucking choice, did you?

See how much you’re not a real alcoholic?

i think i know what happened here

September 14: Flying High

Yeah, like you’ve never been drunk on an airplane before. i know y’all don’t remember and care even less but three years ago i drank all kinds of shit in first class but i never once grabbed a guy’s dick, not even a flight attendant’s no matter how cute he was and if you don’t have photos, it didn’t happen.

Yes, i Drank All This In One Flight

Unfortunately, Katherine Goldberg can’t say as much because she drank a pint of whiskey and told this guy stewardess who was probably gay anyway that she wanted his tube steak for dinner and her pie à la moded for dessert before she went all off on his crotch by groping his not-so-easy jet. Everyone knows how hard it is to get any kind of service in a plane and this case was no different. Apparently the friendly skies are less and less so because the guy refused to press anything but charges.

That’s something else you never done, too, so you really must not be an alcoholic. See what kind of public service shit i offer up in the Dregs?

Bar None's Artist Hallucination Of Who Went Down

Celebrity Dregs

Coming soon to a blog near you.

Bar None Dregs

September 19: A New Barmark

i’d like to take a minute to thank all you readers, oglers and drunks for making the Bar None the most popular unknown bar blog in the universe. On Monday of this week, more than 5000 patronizers stumbled into the Bar None for the first time in the history of the Bar None. Y’all are the best and rock the hard way.

Click on it if you don't believe me

September 09: No, i didn’t forget

i remember very well that Miss Demeanor made an honest man out of me by officially becoming Mrs Demeanor in a justice of the peace’s office here in Yeaman. i just didn’t tell you guys until now. And there was much rejoicing.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Drunken Baths for Dirty Minds

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Ukrainian Girls

Yulia Tymoshenko

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of BLACK SWAN

From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Natalie Portman – Uncensored Rap

[Press Play for THE Natalie Portman rapping, “Shut the fuck up and suck my dick”]

Ramblings: “Black…” is Beautiful

Final Proof: 4½ Shots

You know how it is when you get drunk and look in the mirror? You look normal and you look normally when you catch your own eye as you stagger past the glass, but it’s like one of those words you repeat over and over again until it no longer makes sense ’cause your face melts like ice in bourbon into that word you no longer recognize so you keep staring, waiting to see something familiar but the longer you look the more of a stranger you become so you start talking to yourself and when the reflection of yourself doesn’t answer you flip it off and then you reach the point where you forget who is who and which one is you, the ass or the bastard behind the glass and if you’re really shattered you fight the reflection with your fist in your face so that you and the glass are both cracked and bleeding. That’s exactly the kind of reflections Black Swan will leave you with.

Black Swan is what we in the movie business call “fuckin’ good” and just stop me if I start getting too technical for your lay asses. Why was it fucking good? Because it wasn’t perfect but tried to be.

There’s this quote and I’m pretty sure it’s by Bono where he talks about John Lennon and Bono says what gets him isn’t how Lennon hits the note perfectly, but the way his voice cracks when trying for it. Black Swan is that perfect crack. Because the movie isn’t perfect, but it strives to be.

Dark and intense like any woman worth my salt, Black Swan takes us on a tour of broken glass on the other side of a jagged mirror. It’s edgy, sharp and perversely intimate.

One word about Natalie Portman before we move on to the good stuff (or at least the better than shit stuff). i know there was some trashed talk about how she didn’t really do the dancing and rather than give more attention than i already haven’t to some unprofessional dancer looking to time lease her 15 seconds of infame, i’m gonna steer you to an article where the director details exactly how much tiptoeing Natalie did through the tulips. i’m also gonna add that no matter how much dancing Natalie did, she still rocked the tutu off the role and owned the Oscar even before she won it. Then, when you realize she actually did most of the steps, you rise to your feet in misty eyed spontaneous applause.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 4 Shots

There’s so much going on here i don’t know which chicken to choke first.

Let’s start with Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman was bendy as a red hot twizzler in this movie and just as tasty. Not only did she go there, she went there, danced on it, broke it, fixed it and brought it back. She fucking owned it and by “it” i mean “everything”, including the sex and you had to know that’s where i was going because i just gave a 4-shot sex rating.

For example, we start off with Natalie in panties and covering her own boobs with her hands, and from there it only goes up and “up” is the direction it goes, ’cause there’s a scene of Natalie beating off in bed and then beating off again in the tub so that she can make the switch to Bad Swan and you so want to be with NP when she’s Bad Swan because you get to spank her little tutu.

i’m gonna toss up the mandatory collage/wallpaper and then i’m gonna stick some single shots of her deep down in my drawers.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

i see your Natalie and raise you Mila dollars.

Here’s what i think is cool, any woman’s whose last name can be used as slang for the female sex organ. Like “Kunis”. As in, “Get a load of that Kunis.” There was Kunis galore in Black Swan, let me tell you. In addition to all the hot, sweaty Kunis this film oozed with, there was some lesbian Kunis. Was it fantasy? Was it real? Was it a dream? Do we care as long as they show it? They showed it all right.

They showed everything from Mila and Natalie kissing to Mila eating out and i don’t mean at a restaurant unless we’re talking about the smorgasbord between Natalie Portman’s thighs. Here’s an eyeful of that but don’t look too long or your eyes will get steamed up.

It’s a little anti-climatic, (get it?—nope, not if it’s anti-climatic), but here’s a Kunis wallpaper and there’s more to come in my drawers.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Then, just when you  thought it was over, there’s some of my Winona…

…who wasn’t so hot in the movie as she was drunk  but then there’s a certain charm in that as well, am i right? If you’d like to Ryder, there’s single shots of her filling my drawers.

For those of you more into Peacocks than Swans, here’s some Vincent Cassel action.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Here’s a bonus shot that will serve as a nice entrée for the Drink part of my show…

Winona in the Bar None - Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

A Smoke

Drink: 2 ½ Shots

Black Swan was a little weak on the booze, but then i get that the focus of the film wasn’t alcohol and, if you look at it from that perspective then there was a goodly amount of drink and drinking.

‘Cause like Winona’s character, Beth Macintyre, is an alcoholic and they have her drinking a lot. Like almost all the time. While i’m on Winona, she did such a good job acting drunk in the movie that she came away with the Alkie for Best Drunk Actress in the 2011 bArCADEMY AwkWARDS.

Here’s the rest of the blow by blow:

  • Thomas Leroy (Vincent Cassel) makes a toast to Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman) with champagne
  • Lily (Mila Kunis) takes Nina out for a drink

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

Sure, there wasn’t a lot of rock and roll music in the movie, but i’m here to tell you this movie was wall to the balls to the wall Rock and Roll in its own personal way.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Screenplay: Mark Heyman, Andrés Heinz, John McLaughlin
Story: Andrés Heinz

Directed by: Darren Aronofsky

Starring

Natalie Portman              …           Nina Sayers

Mila Kunis           …           Lily

Winona Ryder   …           Beth Macintyre

Barbara Hershey             …           Erica Sayers

Vincent Cassel  …           Thomas Leroy

Bottom Line

See it. Just shut up at do it. What are you still doing here? Oh, the drawer shots, right. OK, but see it right after the drawer shots and no dilly dallying mister.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Natalie Portman (30)

Mila Kunis (28)

Mila Kunis in the Bar None

Winona Ryder (39)

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Or, if you’re looking more for A&T (Alcoholism and Treatment) than T&A:


Dregs of the Week: September 4 – 10 (and whenever)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

We got us some of those nasty, vampire dregs this week ’cause some of those featured here really suck. There’s this 20-year-old who ate a man’s head, a drunken moose that mounted a tree, skinny vodka that isn’t, a new definition of DUI (Disney Under the Influence), Amy Winehouse’s bust, a renegade stripper, Pokemon alcohol, and a toothless Evan Rachel Wood. Plus even more dregs you can suck on ’til your sick.

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Shelby “Cobra” Spalione: KSM (her Disney band) – Magic Carpet Ride

[Press ‘Play’ for Little Red Riding Hood does Big Bad Steppenwolf.]

Commoner Dregs

Sept 01: Thinking On His Seat

Don’t you hate it when you’re in Kentucky? And don’t you especially hate it when you’re in Kentucky sitting on a bar stool in the parking lot (because that’s what passes for a terrace in Kentucky) and some guy decides he wants to park it on your stool? The only problem here being “it” doesn’t refer to his ass but his Chevy S10 pickup. He drives right at you so you hop off the stool at the last second and James T Lee crashes into the building. He gets a stool sample stuck in his grill and a trip to jail because it was his fourth fucking arrest for drunk driving and you’ll never guess what he blew on the BAC so I’ll tell you, it was 0.236 which is three times over the limit, even in Kentucky. How drunk is that? Look at the picture in his mugshot–he’s fuckin’ cross-eyed drunk.

James T Lee Mugshot

September 07: Alcoholic Anonymoose

If you’ve ever, even once, drunk too much then you flirted with someone you shouldn’t have. Hopefully, however, it was with a member of the same species. There was this moose in Sweden that had one fermented apple too many and decided to mount a tree. This is a scoop, beermaids and barhounds: the moose wanted to fuck the tree. None of the other, reputed journals caught this but i picked up on it like a millionaire in a brothel. i mean, look at the tree. The branches look like antlers and the split trunk looks like two wanton moose legs. You’re a drunk moose in the middle of the night—you’d hit that. i know you would.

September 8: Pukemon

After Bulltinkle up there, let’s stay with the kiddie theme long enough for me to tell you that you can puke up Pokemon Character Evolution Themed Drinks.

There’s Charmander, Charmeleon, Charizard

There’s Squirtle, Wartortle, Blastoise

There’s Bulbasaur, Ivysaur, Venasaur

Plus you should mosey on over to The Drunken Moogle for tons of other themed drinks.

Amateur Stripper

September 07: Open Pole Night

There’s this strip club called Baby Dolls in Florida, yeah, the one near the freeway, i knew you knew it, where this 25-year-old went to celebrate her version of amateur hour by getting drunk, walking into the club and stripping right there, even if she didn’t work there. You gotta love her spunk and salacity because she started bitching out the other dancers and yelling at the patrons to cough up something other than their special sauce. Here’s what it looked like when the cops came and made her put her clothes back on.

Natalie Behnke Mugshot

Oh yeah, i’m also gonna stick some other stripper shots in my drawers ’cause i’m generous like that. Scroll all the way down until you hit “bottom”.

September 9: Face Off

Josephine Rebecca Smith, 22, does not know how to give head. What happens when a vampire tries to suck face? She walks up to a 69-year-old dude asleep in his motorized wheelchair on the doorstep to a Hooters, climbs on top of him, says “I am a vampire, I am going to eat you” and then starts munching. She takes chunks out of his face and lips before taking off. Finally, the police catch up to her and drive a stake through her heart. Nah, just joshing, they arrest her for a whole bunch of shit, including an open container.

i’m keeping a drunk Goth shot in the drawer, but before that i got this.

Josephine Rebecca Smith Mugshot

September 08: Skinnygirl is a Big Fat Liar

There’s this kind of vodka called Skinnygirl and i’m fascinated that a national brand of alcohol would try to inebriate women stupid enough to believe they can loose weight with booze. All you women who are on a vodka diet, please come over to Yemen and we’ll work out a workout. Until then, i’m afraid to be the one to break the news to you that Skinnygirl Vodka has an artificial preservative in it. Yes, horror of horrors, this vodka is not the health drink we all naturally assumed it was.

My Favorite Way To Enjoy A Skinnygirl: Lying Down

A Real Skinnygirl

Celebrity Dregs

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

September 11: DWI: Disney While Intoxicated

You know that huge super famous mega band KSM? Remember how they were a Disney formed Go-Gos cover band? Recall, if you will, that heartbreaking moment that defined not only a generation but a century: Where were you when you learned KSM had broke up?

Well, hold on to your mouse ears, Muscadeteers, because tragedy has struck again. Shelby “Cobra” Spalione, lead singer and guitarist of KSM was busted last night (Sept 10, 2011) for DUI. Cops pulled her over for a seatbelt thing and smelled AlKHall on her breath so they gave her a BAT test and she scored 0.15%, which isn’t bad considering it’s twice the legal limit and only 3 points less than her age. Yep, Shelby’s a rocking 18.

So here’s my idea for a realty show. We get famous people and film them while they match their Blood Alcohol Content to their age. Can you imagine Selena Gomez at 0.19%? Taylor Swift reaching 0.21%? Or if you don’t like that idea, i got this other concept called “Disney Girls Gone Wild”. Sleep on it, you’ll let me know.

i got another shot of Cobra snaking in my drawers, down there.

September 9: Amy Winehouse is Busted

Before i waste space about that, though, i just wanted to point out that Amy’s dad said Amy Winehouse did not have any illegal substances in her body at the time of her death. She had all kinds of nasty shit, like that greasy British fish and shit and warm flat beer they call bitter, but no narcotics.

What she did have was something called Librium, which is apparently a drug for recovering alcoholics to help them with seizures during the DTs. According to Wino’s House, she died from a detox seizure. Recovery can be killer, yo.

Now, what about her being busted…

September 07: Even Rachel Would

How do I know French people can’t dance? Evan Rachel Woody was partying in Paris and some guy on the dance floor flapped his elbow and knocked her tooth out of her mouth. i’m no Mikael Molotv or whatever, but i never gave anyone a permanently disfiguring injury while dancing. The only thing i ever cut was a rug, ‘s what i’m saying.

Here’s The Bar None’s Artist Hallucination of what that mouth must look like.

Evan Rachel Wood at 11

And here’s what that looks like now.

Evan Rachel Wood in the Bar None

We got some more Wood shots in the drawers.

Bar None Dregs

A couple new posts over at the sobering site. Don’t go there unless you’re looking for some serious shit.

On the lighter side… That Saint-Pauly fuckup has put together a new post about the Emma Stone vehicle, Easy A.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Amateur Strippers – Dedicated to Natalie Behnke

Drunk Goth – Dedicated to Josephine Rebecca Smith

Shelby “Cobra” Spalione (18)

Evan Rachel Wood (24)

Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson in the Bar None

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.