Horns 04 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

0-5 Shots: HORNS

Horns 01 poster (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Fever Ray – If I Had a Heart

[Press ‘Play’ for part of a killer soundtrack: Fever Ray – If I Had A Heart]

To prove to y’all i got to see this on the 1st of October, here’s a couple cell phone shots i took.

Horns 02 proof (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze) Horns 03 proof (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Ramblings: No Ifs, Ands or Butts

Final Proof: 3 Shots

3 shots

You know how you get drunk with a spoiled girl? It’s not her fault her parents gave her everything she wanted but there she sits, over dressed, drinking champagne and eating lobster hors d’oeuvres, never looking directly at you or trying to get you to like her. She’d look better in jeans than that fancy ass dress and she’d be easier to like of she was ordering beer and she’d be more fun if she was a little hungrier and a little more desperate. One of the little known life lessons spoiled girls have yet to learn is that there’s a certain sexy in desperate. Which is not what Horns was like.

Horns 07 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)


The weird thing is, i know i liked this fucking movie because i remember how i felt watching it, but ever since i left the theater i keep thinking about all the shit that got up my nose. Maybe i’ll make like i ate salmonella tacos to get all the shit out of my system so i can find the gold nuggets lurking inside.

Here’s what got my goat about Horns. This movie had so much money thrown at it that it lost its focus and wasn’t in a hurry to get to the ending. This was because the movie is based on a book and if i ever stop reading WTF!? i might read that book because i’m sure it was cool, but a movie isn’t a book — that’s why they have different words for them. What happens when you try to stick too close to the book is you end up with a lot of WTF because the reason why characters do shit isn’t explained like in a novel. A smart director would dumb it down and put everything up on the screen.

Then there were the flashbacks… This film had more childhood flashbacks than a Stephen King book, for chrissakes. i kept trying hard to care, i swear i did, but like a hook handed masturbator, i just couldn’t get there.

Horns 05 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

The other thing that prodded me to dislike Horns was Daniel Radcliffe. He’s a great little actor (he did a nice job of an American accent here) and he’s going to make some lucky guy a lovely wife one day, but to see him as a romantic lead was a stretch. Especially because the film is based on the depth of the love between Ig (short for ‘Ignatius’ and obviously symbolic of some shit, but i can’t be bothered to figure out what that might be) and Merrin Williams, where Juno Temple plays Merrin and Daniel Radcliffe plays a man. Like prostitutes next to hospitals, i wasn’t buying into that, which has more to do with how he looked than his acting because he can act like a man just as well as the next guy.

Horns 06 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

There’s a lot to like here, though, i swear. i’m a fan of Alexandre Aja who made Piranha 3D look good and who killed it in the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. Sure, you could argue he’s getting worse as time goes on, but that’s you. As for me, i’m sure he’ll turn things around and get the passion for filming back that he once had. Regardless, he knows what he’s doing and so he’s like this French seducer who’s expert at making you feel good while he’s screwing you, as long as you don’t care his heart isn’t in it.

Should you see it? Hell yes, especially if you’re going to see more than one movie this month.

Horns 04 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½

2 shots

You know what this movie needed more of? Nudity. Of course i say that about every movie but this one had some really hot girls and some gratuitous flesh would have helped me gloss over some of Horns‘ flaws.

Horns 08 sex (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Here’s a quick rundown of my notes…

  • “Are you horny?” Merrin asks Ig in the first line of dialog in the film
  • Housewife banging her golf pro doggy style and they’re both clothed
  • Young Ig looks through a Playboy
  • Juno Temple bare ass and side boob
  • [Flashes of] Nurse naked doing doctor on a squeaky chair beside the surgical bed
  • Guy [Eric Pollins as Exhibitionist barfly] wants to show everyone his dick in a bar and goes full frontal [think of you, Saint Pauly]
  • [Speaking of Saint Pauly] Gay cops get off in the front seat of the cruiser

There were some lovely shots of Juno Temple, but then every shot of her is lovely. For those of you looking to see how much i appreciate her, check out the 0-5 Shot reviews of MaleficentKaboom and Mr Nobody.

There was also the gorgeous Kelli Garner, as Glenna Shepherd, the waitress who fucks to be loved. Remember how up there i talked about how a little desperation is sexy in a girl? If Horns looked and felt like Glenna looked and behaved, it would’ve had a lot more heart.

Horns 09 sex (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Kelli Garner Bar None Wallpaper

Kelli Garner Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’ll be some single shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom. Just keep scrolling down till you see her smiling cleavage.

Also making an appearance was the amazing Heather Graham who is still as stunning as the time she showed us her boobs in Boogie Nights and a good slang name for that flick would be Boobie Nights because that’s how much of a revelation her chest was. Speaking of revealing chests…

Heather Graham Bar None Wallpaper

Heather Graham Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

i got some single shots of her in my drawers as well. Just scroll the way down.

Silken Butterflies

One of the actresses who was onscreen far too briefly to contain all of her talent was the exquisite Kendra Anderson, who played Nurse Delilah, like in “[Flashes of] Nurse naked doing doctor on a squeaky chair beside the surgical bed” from the Sex section up above. Here’s a toast to seeing a lot more of her in the future.

Kendra Anderson Used 2014-10-15 (Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall)

A Smoke

Drink: 3 Shots

3 shots

There was a surprising amount here, to tell you the truth and that’s all i know how to do. Most every scene had a drink in it and like i mention in the next section, an argument could be made to the claim that the way people react to Ig’s horns is super similar to how people act when they’re drunk. You know me – and if you don’t i’m the one to blame – i don’t like to argue so i’ll shut up about it, but there’s some similarity.

Here’s the drinking shit shot by shot:

Horns 10 drink (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Anyone recognize that bottle?

  • Ig wakes up upside down, passed out next to an empty bottle of…? Whiskey?
  • Bar in the morning. Whiskey shots, beer chasers for the old men. Ig drinks beer from the bottle in a tree house.
  • Ig wonders if he got blackout drunk and killed Merrin.
  • Whiskey shots at the jazz club. Daniel’s brother [Joe Anderson as Terry Perrish] drinks whiskey from the bottle out of a bag
  • [Ig, Merrin and Lee Tourneau (Max Minghella) are] Drinking beer and holding up album covers over their faces in a flashback
  • Brother [Terry] doing coke and drinking whiskey from a scotch glass

Horns 11 drink (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

A Smoke

Horns 12 R&R (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

2 shots

Aja let me down here. Look at the poster, for example, you’d think a guy with horns would use them for cool things and i’m not even talking about fetish shit (although that would’ve been a welcome addition). But no. The only things the horns do is make people say and do what they really think deep down. Like a bottle of Jäger without the rush.

Still, there were some good tunes, though, so i’ll put up two shots for that. Like there was Marilyn Manson’s version of “Personal Jesus” while journalists got into a brawl.

Plus the action at the end got good, especially with all the snake attacks.

Anyway whatever, here’s a lot of the soundtrack:

Horns 13 R&R (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Joe Hill (novel)
Keith Bunin (screenplay)

Directed by: Alexandre Aja


Juno Temple – Merrin Williams
Heather Graham – Veronica
Kelli Garner – Glenna Shepherd
Kendra Anderson – Nurse Delilah
Daniel Radcliffe – Ig Perrish

Bottom Line

The film is Gwyneth Paltrow: it looks good, even if it gets a little lost and pretentious.

Horns 14 Saint Pauly poster (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

A gift from Saint Pauly

Horns 15 Saint Pauly poster (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Another one

Another Round

Booze Revooze of another horny character

WTF!? of the film “Horns” wanted to be

Fernby Films reviews another monster movie

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The review is finished, let the revue begin. From here on out, let’s call it NSFW.

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Maleficent 13 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

0-5 Shots: Maleficent

[AllKHallism: i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child’s film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. While Maleficant was PG, The Bar None: High and Dry is definitely NC-18. If you keep reading beyond this point, you only have yourself to blame, perv.]

Maleficent 01 poster (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Lana Del Ray – Once Upon a Dream

[Press ‘Play’ for sleepy beauty]

As i’m posting this review a day before its US release, i’m posting a screen shot i snapped as proof i actually did see this.

Maleficent 02 proof (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Ramblings: Magneficent

Final Proof: 4½ Shots

4 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk with a blonde? She sits down at your table and you know exactly what tricks she’s got up her sleeves so you settle in with a smirk on your face and sip your drink while you wait for her to get ridiculous and puke in her purse. But right from the beginning she seems normal and even a little cool, so you sit up and take notice and start getting into the conversation with her while she casts her spell on you. The amazing thing is she doesn’t get drunker and sloppier and stupider but gets more interesting and more sincere and by the end of the binge you’re praying she can pull off her exit without letting you down, breaking your heart and cursing your luck. Fortunately, she takes her leave with subtle magic and you’re so impressed with your evening you stand up and applaud as she walks away. Angelina Jolie is not that blonde, but Maleficant sure is.

Maleficent 03 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

‘High’ Five

The best movie i’ve seen so far this year. i don’t worship at the cult of Angelina Jolie, i’m Disney neutral – neither loving nor hating everything they do on principal because i have none – i’m older than 9 (though i don’t usually act like it), and i thought this movie killed. One of the things i liked best about it was that it gets better as it goes on. Every other movie i’ve seen in recent memory starts off interesting and then keeps fading until it’s basically trying to end with as much dignity as it can muster before ending up in a walk of shame. Not Maleficent and not by a long shot.

Maleficent 04 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Maleficent uses her Roofie spell

i’m just glad i got to see Maleficent before the US release because i know you guys and you’re going to find new and usual ways to hate on this film. Fortunately, i saw it before the haters got their eyes on it so i get these few days where i can enjoy the movie with a buzz as pure and innocent as Sleeping Beauty on lite beer.

Looking back on this movie, there are no real missteps (which is official movie review talk for ‘fuck-ups’) and, to be totally honest, the first ¾s of the film were above average but still average adjacent. What pushed this film over the top for me was how it took the traditional bullshit Disney concept of “True Love” being akin to date rape and turned it on its ass.

Maleficent 05 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

“Sorry, I don’t like the white ones.”

Who should see this? Parents and their kids. i couldn’t scare up any children to take to this but one of the things that impressed me was how the stereotypes were challenged, so little kids might have trouble seeing the shades of grey that lay beneath the vibrant colors. Kids older than 10 or whatever, should get this though. Especially if they’re your kids because you’re clearly in the top 10% of smart people, seeing as how you’re reading this blog and all. Also those people who have a little kid living inside them, kicking and screaming and laughing and crying and farting and feeling everything just a touch too deeply.

Who shouldn’t see this film? Jaded mother fuckers looking to get their rocks off. Tired souls who aren’t looking to feel but to be felt. Soulless zombies who’ve forgotten how to live. But if that’s you, you wouldn’t be here, you’d be trashing me on reddit.

Maleficent 06 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

A little prick

Before we go any further, i have to card two of the actresses. As they’re under 18, i won’t post any pictures of them in the sexy section of this post and i won’t post any sexy candids of them. i’ll include only photos the actresses posed for on purpose.

First up is Elle Fanning (16) who will be beautiful when she’s 18 or over. She was perfect for the role of Aurora / Sleeping Beauty because she’s talented enough to act well but young enough to channel the innocence she’s got running in her veins and bring it to the surface. There was a genuine purity to her performance that it reached down from the screen and touched me.

Elle Fanning 01 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)


Elle Fanning Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHal Bar None Booze Revooze)

Elle Fanning Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Also just in under the wire is Ella Purnell, who played Teen Maleficent, a role she’s perfectly qualified to play, being that she’s 17 and all.

Ella Purnell Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Ella Purnell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

1 shot

Angelina Jolie was hot in a Skeletor way and that’s not even a joke. She did a good job acting as well, but her job was a lot easier than Aurora (Elle Fanning) because basically Maleficent is just a bitch through most of the movie and delivers all her lines in this smoldering bitchy way which seems to come pretty easy to Angelina.

Maleficent 07 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Still, this was a good movie and she was the star so i gotta give credit where it’s due, especially when remembering she can look like this, or at least she did once upon a time.

Angelina Jolie 2014-05-28 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Angelina Jolie Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There are a lot more single shots of her stuffed in my drawers at the far bottom of this post.

Also appearing in Maleficent is the ultra hot Juno Temple. “Juno Temple?” “No, but i’d like to.” She plays a CGI fairy and she even looks cute when she’s a computer copy of herself, and if this isn’t the next porn thing, well, then something else probably will be.

Maleficent 08 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Juno’s on the left and reminds me of Saint Pauly (a little fairy)

Gobs more shots of her looking far sexier in the drawers. Scroll all the way down.

Silken Butterflies

For the Silken Butterflies in Maleficent, we have two beautiful women who were on screen only long enough to make us wish they were on a lot more.

Starting off is the lovely Hannah New and i bet she did when she decided to look gorgeous. She plays the Princess Leila and while she doesn’t have nearly enough screen time, her charm fills the screen while she’s there.

Hannah New 01 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Hannah New in the Bar None

Following that up is the lovely Marama Corlett, who played a servant but did it while looking this good.

Marama Corlett 01 Used 2014-05-28 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

As for the sex in Maleficent, i’d be lying if i said there wasn’t any because there was, if you count two kisses as ‘sex’.

Maleficent 09 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Every frat party ever

A Smoke

Drink: 0

None. Not even, any magic potions. Keep moving, nothing to read here.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

3 shots

The only real music was the Lana Del Ray and, let’s be honest, i think Lana Del Ray is the coolest thing since whatever the fuck this is

Something Lana no doubt uses

but she’s not rock and roll. The incidental music wasn’t rock and roll either, but the special effects were pretty rock and roll. There were a couple action scenes even if this isn’t an action movie and the cinematography (fancy film-speak for ‘the purdy pictures’) was purdy. i’ll go 3 shots on that shit.

Maleficent 10 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Got wood? He does.

Boring Technical Crap

Maleficent 11 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

She’s pretty horny

Written by:

Written by Linda Woolverton
Based on the story “La Belle au bois dormant” by Charles Perrault

Directed by: Robert Stromberg


Elle Fanning – Aurora
Angelina Jolie – Maleficent
Juno Temple – Thistletwit
Hannah New – Princess Leila
Ella Purnell – Teen Maleficent
Marama Corlett – Servant

Bottom Line

If you’re cool enough to have made it this far, you should definitely see this movie.

Another Round

WTF!? Review of the Lord of the Rings trilogy

The Hot Rod gives us a nice review of another Disney effort

A Dregs article on why Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt broke up

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Basically everything from here on out is especially NC-18 and NSFW. Good luck.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of KABOOM

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack:

[Press ‘Play’ for art rock]

Ramblings: Will Blow Your Nose If Not Your Mind

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a college art school major? He paints makeup on, carefully sculpts his hair to look careless and poses himself in the chair wrong just so he can be a poser and different because he’s all about doing whatever he does weirdly, not realizing that doing everything opposite of the norm is the long spelling of “conformist”. So he drinks some imported shit he doesn’t even really like and looks so gay he probably isn’t but he’s not a total waste of negative space because in the foam at the bottom of his empty bottle of sincerity is a sincere desire to find himself. Plus he’s never boring and he always brings around these cute art major babes who never wear bras and are constantly showing you skin and not even caring when you look. That’s what Kaboom is like.

The whole look of this movie felt like a cheap suit worn by an artsy kid who can make fun of himself and sometimes wants to camp it up. Kaboom works best when it’s threading this needle, trying to look like a porn remake of Donnie Darko, because the whole mystery aspect of the film, while the most cohesive thing here, is dealt with pretty shabbily. Kind of like a little kid in a talent show who’s more about “Look at me, look at me” than “Look what I know how to do”.

This film started out bad and i was really worried it was going to be some college movie where they try to capture the spirit of a period or some crap and play tunes that must be cool because they’re so obscure no one’s ever heard of them while they swap one liners like hot spit that’s too contrived to be authentic. That’s what i was afraid of  because that’s how Kaboom started out but thank god it got away from that after the one party with the lesbian witch where the red headed twin mystery started because the men in animal masks stabbed her in the eye or not because Smith was on drugs.

My biggest beef with Kaboom was the ending. The movie on the whole was pretty entertaining but like a dorm kid with a bottle of mezcal, Gregg Araki was OK at the beginning and in the middle but didn’t know what to do at the end. Imagine you have a low-budget “X-Files on acid” episode where Scully and Mulder solve everything in two minutes after the last commercial break when they’re beginning to roll the credits and you’ll appreciate what they got going on here.

Yeah, Kaboom was really out there, too far out there probably but at least it was somewhere, you know?  Which is a lot farther than most movies want to go nowadays.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack, this is Engineers – Clean Coloured Wire

[Press ‘Play’ to hear what passes for music now]

Sex: 4 Shots

i’m saying. Nobody was more surprised than i was, except for maybe Miss Demeanor, when the girls started taking off their clothes all over the place. It was like, “OK, even if this movie is gonna be pretty mediocre at least i get to look at pretty girls in their next to nothings for an hour and a half.” So i did.

Beginning with Juno Temple (21), who portrays “London”, an English student who hooks up with tri-sexual Smith [Thomas Dekker]. We get to see a lot of Juno in this film—and often (way more than we did in Mr Nobody, where i already exposed her). We get to see her peeing at the party when she’s introduced and things go up from there, quite literally, because she’s in 2 or 3 sex scenes where she’s not afraid to reveal her sensitive sides (both of them). We also get to see an array of small tats freckling her lovely torso, though the tats are kind of confusing and if it’s for the movie i guess they make some kind of arty statement but if they’re really hers then they say something completely different (like “I thought these would wash off like the ones I got from the gumball machine when I was 12”). Anyway and for once, here’s less of Juno than you’ll see in the movie.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’s Juno shots rolling around in my drawers down there. Just keep scrolling down until you hit them.

My big discovery in this movie was Haley Bennett (22) who i’d never seen before and feel bad enough about that as it is so give me a break already. She plays Smith’s lesbian best friend, Stella. One of the sexy things about Stella is she swears a lot and y’all know how i like a girl who knows how to let a good “fuck” roll off her tongue now and again. The cool thing about Stella being a lesbian is we get to see her do lesbian stuff with Lorelei (Roxane Mesquida), a hot brunette i’m gonna talk about in a second, keep your pants on. Or not, make yourself at home. Like there’s some nice kissing in a student cafeteria that really worked for me. Here’s something else that works for me.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

i got some more Haley single shots lined up in my drawers, too.

Which brings us to Roxane Mesquida as Lorelei, who is a lesbian witch able to get Stella (Haley Bennett) off with her special powers and we get to see it. What we don’t get to see, however, are Stella’s boobs because Lorelei titty blocks her during their sex scene. Here’s a better view of Roxane Mesquida.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Yep, single shots…drawers…you know the drill.

Silken Butterflies

The talented young Nicole LaLiberte is so talented she plays twins. Not ‘the twins’, just normal twins. Good thing she’s got enough skill for two. Here’s what i mean.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Open my drawers of you want more shots of her including ones with her lovely freckles…mmmmm, freckles.

Finally, in the coveted role of “Drug Fairy Nymph”, i give you the stunning Brandy Futch.

For those of you more into wicks than bombshells, you’re really in luck ’cause there were tons of guys in this thing. While collecting their pics is about as interesting as talking about hot guys in a bar, i’m all about the equality so i’ll run through these as fast as possible.

Thomas Dekker (22) plays Smith, the lead character who is half bi or something. Anyway, he fantasizes about his roomate, gets banged in the back of a van by some huge black guy and gets caught beating offto gay porn by Stella. Plus he gets to sleep with London [Juno Temple, ‘member?] a lot. Here’s what he looks like.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

By the way, i almost forgot that i already talked about Thomas Dekker once, in the Dregs of the Week from October of last year when he was drunk driving and mowed some kid on a bike over.

Chris Zylka

My favorite guy character was Thor, and Chris Zylka (25) does an excellent job with this part. Thor is a blonde surfer dude who lays on his bed doing excercises so he can suck himself off (see photo) and asks Smith if he’s ever tasted his own sperm, not on purpose but sometimes a little gets in your mouth on accident and he confesses his jizz has a coconut twang. Anyway, there’s a lot of topless hunky shots of Thor, as well as a sex scene between him and this cute girl with overly large boobs (a gross error?) at the very beginning and i looked for the girl in the credits for the silken butterfly section but she’s not listed anywhere. Finishing off Chris, i should also mention we get to see him gay curious in a fantasy to which Smith is making like beef and stroggin-off until the real Thor enters the dorm room and shatters the illusion by banging that girl i just talked about in the last sentence. So here’s Chris…

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Speaking of gay, Brennan Mejia (19), makes an appearance as Oliver, a twink interested in Smith’s twinkie.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Finally, even gayer is Jason Olive (38) as Hunter, the guy that bones Smith in the back of his van on the beach after the guys just meet, leading Stella to later confirm that Smith is a slut. Here’s what made him that way.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

A Smoke

Drink: 2½ Shots

So there was the expected number of drink references considering this thing is set at a university, but there was also the added bonus that both Smith [Dekker] and London [Temple] had an alcoholic father that cut out on them when they were younger. So drink played enough of a role in the party for me to increase the strength by half a shot. There was some other drink crap here too, though, like:

  • [Thor] enters drunk and drops beer bottle
  • Drunk red head [Nicole LaLiberte] pukes on Smith’s shoes

Slurred Speeches

The fact you randomly stick your dick in some girl doesn’t mean you’re not gay, it just means you have to monitor your drinking.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

Yeah, yeah, there are those of you out there who’re gonna say my taste in rock is too limited but for me, the closest they came to rock was Placebo during the end credits. Here is, from the juiced-box and the soundtrack, Placebo – The Bitter End.

This is the complete 4-1-1 on the tuneage:

  • Explosions in the Sky – Catastrophe and the Cure
  • The Big Pink – Crystal Visions
  • Ladytron – Weekend
  • A Place to Bury Strangers – To Fix the Gash in Your Head
  • Friendly Fires – Paris
  • Metro Area – Caught Up
  • The Horrors – Mirror’s Image
  • Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Soft Shock
  • The Pains of Being Pure at Heart – This love is Fucking Right!
  • The Depreciation Guild – Dream About Me
  • Deluka – Cascade
  • Engineers – Clean Coloured Wire
  • Interpol – Song Seven
  • Placebo – The Bitter End

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Gregg Araki

Directed by: Gregg Araki


Haley Bennett – Stella

Juno Temple – London

Roxane Mesquida – Lorelei

Nicole LaLiberte – Red-Haired Girl

Brandy Futch – Drug Fairy Nymph

Thomas Dekker – Smith

Chris Zylka – Thor

Brennan Mejia – Oliver

Jason Olive – Hunter

Bottom Line

If you get the chance to see it, you’d probably enjoy it if you were high or on X or something. i can’t recommend seeing it drunk or sober, though.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Haley Bennett (22)

Haley Bennett in the Bar None

Juno Temple (21)


Juno Temple in the Bar None

Roxane Mesquida (29)

Nicole LaLiberte

Mmmm, Freckles

Nicole LaLiberte in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of MR. NOBODY

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Wallace Collection – Daydream

[Press ‘play’ to trip out.]

Ramblings: Mr Sumpin’

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink with a freak, someone truly unique? He talks about crap you don’t know if it’s over your head or is complete BS but for the most part you don’t care as long as he looks cool and his bull doesn’t get in the way of your sh*t. There’s also this pressure to like the guy because he’s kinda intellectual and if you don’t wanna hang with him it means you’re probably a little slow. Sometimes you wonder if the weirdo is just acting that way to be different or if he actually believes the babble he’s spewing but time flows as smoothly as the booze and you don’t check your watch so you might as well sit back and enjoy the ride. Mr. Nobody is that kind of unique.

Mr. Nobody is a movie about choices and about how alternate lives get led no matter what the choice made is. Like i could be in a bar and chose to drink a pint of Heineken, a bottle of red, or a coke. In “La La Land” all of those choices are made and all the separate me’s go on to live their separate lives, ad nauseum (especially if i drink the bottle of wine and chose to keep drinking).

There’s a lot of what Miss Demeanor and i label “Woo-Woo Sh*t” going on in Mr. Nobody but most of the time the flick looked so damn good that the philosophy didn’t get in the way of a good time. i’m not going to lie to you, Mr. Nobody is super philosophical and touches on quantum physics, the butterfly effect and string theory. It’s all presented clearly enough but there’s a lingering aftertaste of, “So what, none of this changes how i gotta pee after three beers.”

What i’m saying is, don’t see this movie buzzed, it’s hard enough to follow even when your dead sober. Because the movie doesn’t go in a straight line but in beautifully drawn circles and curlicues. There is no clear picture, even if the overall design is pretty. Still, considering all the risks Jaco van Dormael took with the directing, he could’ve gone out on a few more limbs with the story.

So yeah, it’s worth seeing if you don’t take it too seriously. Or, it’s worth seeing if you take it very seriously. If you’re just looking for something shiny and pretty to pass the time, choose to pass this one by.

Before we get in any deeper, i carded Clare Stone, who does a magnificent job as Elise at 15, and i couldn’t find her birthdate anywhere. ‘Cause of that i’ll post her photos here—she’s not allowed to go any further.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

To get into this next section, you gotta listen to this song from the juiced-box (and the movie, of course).

[Press ‘Play’ for inspiration.]

Sex: 1/2 Shot There’s this crazy trend to have all these super hot girls in movies and to keep them as clothed as a sober Eskimo eating ice cream at Christmas. Seriously, you know what nipple action we get here? Jared Leto nipple action. Twice. Just sayin’.

Diane Kruger (33), almost unrecognizable as a brunette, plays Anna gorgeously. The gorgeous part was easy, the acting part is pure talent, yo.

Mmmmm, Thigh Goosebumps

Sarah Polley (31) does a solid job of playing a whack job that resembles quite a few of my exes.

Coming in as the third wife, we’ve got Linh Dan Pham (36), Vietnamese but raised in France. We almost get a down blouse shot of her in the pool, but ‘almost’ is like masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Playing Anna at 15, we got British actress Juno Temple who, at 20, is 5 years off the mark.

Juno Entering The Bar None

Juno Entering The Bar None

In a totally understated role (i’m not sure what i mean by this but i read it on a real blog somewhere and thought it sounded intelligent), there’s Natasha Little (40) as Nemo’s Mom:

Here are some of those Silken Butterflies that flit across the screen as briefly as they are beautiful:

Sarah Gravel was ‘Sad Woman’:

Here’s Christelle Cornil (32—she was rockin’ as Coma nurse 1, which means she kicked Coma nurse 2’s ass) in The Bar None:

After that we have a little one for the ladies. A lot of web sites have been ripping poor little Jared Leto (38) a new one but i think he did a solid job here playing nine different roles. Sure, the makeup helped but he held his own and so y’all gotta stop hating on him just because he has more hair than you.

IN AN EXCLUSIVE SCOOP: i offer here irrefutable evidence that Jared Leto is, in fact, Jim Carrey and Jake Gyllenhaal’s gay love child. Watch…

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Here are some Jared shots…

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Not even a reference to drinking. Dry as a bone, babes. Wait, one of the songs is The Andrew Sisters doin’ “Rum & Coca Cola”. Yeah, like that counts for somethin’. Me doin’ all The Andrew Sisters while they’re messed up on Rum & Cokes…now that would count for something.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

Speaking of music…

Because Mr. Nobody is all about choices, you get to choose what to listen to as you polish off this blog.

Either Nena – 99 Luftballons 

Or The Pixies – Where Is My Mind

Both are in the movie so either one counts.

While the music in Mr. Nobody isn’t really rock, the songs they used were super eclectic and all kinds of styles. I’ma tell you something: The best thing about the movie is pro’lly the music ’cause the director, Jaco van Dormael, did an excellent job of matching the music to the feeling of the scene. Like Otis Redding’s “For Your Precious Love” when young Nemo falls in love for the first time. Dead on.

Still, they pulled the same crap here that they did in Zombieland. ‘Member how the music in the film was cool but when you looked up the soundtrack you got a load of instrumental crap so i had to post a special blog with the real music from the movie? Well, in Mr. Nobody the director hired one of his relatives to write the music and you can’t believe how impossible it is to find a simple list of the real songs they borrowed for this freaking thing. Thank god for Miss Demeanor who told me to do searches in foreign languages. i found the following on some obscure blog and had to add a couple songs myself that were missing so i can’t swear this is a complete list. Seriously though, you better read this whole list and freakin’ memorize the damn thing ’cause you can’t imagine how many hours i spent lookin’ for it and what a pain in the ass it was to type it all up. Swear to god.

  • Otis Redding – For Your Precious Love
  • Cecilia Bartoli – Casta Diva
  • Daniel Varsano – Troisieme Gymnopedie
  • The Chordettes – Mister Sandman
  • Emmylou Harris – Mister Sandman
  • Gob – Mister Sandman
  • Michel Simone – Pavane Op. 50
  • The Academy Of St. Matrtin In The Field Chorus – Pavane OP. 50
  • Eurythmics – Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)
  • Johann Sebastian Bach – Prelude
  • Pixies – Where Is My Mind?
  • Wallace Connection – Daydream
  • Nena – 99 Luftballoons
  • Ella Fitzgerald – Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall
  • Mstislav Rostropovich – Canto Primo (Sostenuto E Largamente)
  • Henryk Gorecki – Three Pieces In Old Style
  • Pascal Rogé – Gnossienne 3
  • Eugenie de Mey – What Power Art Thou
  • The Andrew Sisters – Rum And Coca Cola
  • Benjamin Britten – Sentimental Saraband Poco Lento E Peasnte

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Jaco van Dormael

Directed by: Jaco van Dormael


Diane Kruger – Anna

Sarah Polley – Elise

Linh Dan Pham – Jean

Juno Temple – Anna age 15

Clare Stone – Elise age 15

Natasha Little – Nemo’s mom

Sarah Gravel – Sad woman

Christelle Cornil – Coma nurse 1

Jared Leto – Nemo Nobody

Bottom Line

If you think $58 million for an experimental movie makes perfect sense, then you have the perfect mindset for Mr. Nobody.