From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Fever Ray – If I Had a Heart
[Press ‘Play’ for part of a killer soundtrack: Fever Ray – If I Had A Heart]
To prove to y’all i got to see this on the 1st of October, here’s a couple cell phone shots i took.
Ramblings: No Ifs, Ands or Butts
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with a spoiled girl? It’s not her fault her parents gave her everything she wanted but there she sits, over dressed, drinking champagne and eating lobster hors d’oeuvres, never looking directly at you or trying to get you to like her. She’d look better in jeans than that fancy ass dress and she’d be easier to like of she was ordering beer and she’d be more fun if she was a little hungrier and a little more desperate. One of the little known life lessons spoiled girls have yet to learn is that there’s a certain sexy in desperate. Which is not what Horns was like.
The weird thing is, i know i liked this fucking movie because i remember how i felt watching it, but ever since i left the theater i keep thinking about all the shit that got up my nose. Maybe i’ll make like i ate salmonella tacos to get all the shit out of my system so i can find the gold nuggets lurking inside.
Here’s what got my goat about Horns. This movie had so much money thrown at it that it lost its focus and wasn’t in a hurry to get to the ending. This was because the movie is based on a book and if i ever stop reading WTF!? i might read that book because i’m sure it was cool, but a movie isn’t a book — that’s why they have different words for them. What happens when you try to stick too close to the book is you end up with a lot of WTF because the reason why characters do shit isn’t explained like in a novel. A smart director would dumb it down and put everything up on the screen.
Then there were the flashbacks… This film had more childhood flashbacks than a Stephen King book, for chrissakes. i kept trying hard to care, i swear i did, but like a hook handed masturbator, i just couldn’t get there.
The other thing that prodded me to dislike Horns was Daniel Radcliffe. He’s a great little actor (he did a nice job of an American accent here) and he’s going to make some lucky guy a lovely wife one day, but to see him as a romantic lead was a stretch. Especially because the film is based on the depth of the love between Ig (short for ‘Ignatius’ and obviously symbolic of some shit, but i can’t be bothered to figure out what that might be) and Merrin Williams, where Juno Temple plays Merrin and Daniel Radcliffe plays a man. Like prostitutes next to hospitals, i wasn’t buying into that, which has more to do with how he looked than his acting because he can act like a man just as well as the next guy.
There’s a lot to like here, though, i swear. i’m a fan of Alexandre Aja who made Piranha 3D look good and who killed it in the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. Sure, you could argue he’s getting worse as time goes on, but that’s you. As for me, i’m sure he’ll turn things around and get the passion for filming back that he once had. Regardless, he knows what he’s doing and so he’s like this French seducer who’s expert at making you feel good while he’s screwing you, as long as you don’t care his heart isn’t in it.
Should you see it? Hell yes, especially if you’re going to see more than one movie this month.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
You know what this movie needed more of? Nudity. Of course i say that about every movie but this one had some really hot girls and some gratuitous flesh would have helped me gloss over some of Horns‘ flaws.
Here’s a quick rundown of my notes…
- “Are you horny?” Merrin asks Ig in the first line of dialog in the film
- Housewife banging her golf pro doggy style and they’re both clothed
- Young Ig looks through a Playboy
- Juno Temple bare ass and side boob
- [Flashes of] Nurse naked doing doctor on a squeaky chair beside the surgical bed
- Guy [Eric Pollins as Exhibitionist barfly] wants to show everyone his dick in a bar and goes full frontal [think of you, Saint Pauly]
- [Speaking of Saint Pauly] Gay cops get off in the front seat of the cruiser
There were some lovely shots of Juno Temple, but then every shot of her is lovely. For those of you looking to see how much i appreciate her, check out the 0-5 Shot reviews of Maleficent, Kaboom and Mr Nobody.
There was also the gorgeous Kelli Garner, as Glenna Shepherd, the waitress who fucks to be loved. Remember how up there i talked about how a little desperation is sexy in a girl? If Horns looked and felt like Glenna looked and behaved, it would’ve had a lot more heart.
There’ll be some single shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom. Just keep scrolling down till you see her smiling cleavage.
Also making an appearance was the amazing Heather Graham who is still as stunning as the time she showed us her boobs in Boogie Nights and a good slang name for that flick would be Boobie Nights because that’s how much of a revelation her chest was. Speaking of revealing chests…
i got some single shots of her in my drawers as well. Just scroll the way down.
One of the actresses who was onscreen far too briefly to contain all of her talent was the exquisite Kendra Anderson, who played Nurse Delilah, like in “[Flashes of] Nurse naked doing doctor on a squeaky chair beside the surgical bed” from the Sex section up above. Here’s a toast to seeing a lot more of her in the future.
Drink: 3 Shots
There was a surprising amount here, to tell you the truth and that’s all i know how to do. Most every scene had a drink in it and like i mention in the next section, an argument could be made to the claim that the way people react to Ig’s horns is super similar to how people act when they’re drunk. You know me – and if you don’t i’m the one to blame – i don’t like to argue so i’ll shut up about it, but there’s some similarity.
Here’s the drinking shit shot by shot:
- Ig wakes up upside down, passed out next to an empty bottle of…? Whiskey?
- Bar in the morning. Whiskey shots, beer chasers for the old men. Ig drinks beer from the bottle in a tree house.
- Ig wonders if he got blackout drunk and killed Merrin.
- Whiskey shots at the jazz club. Daniel’s brother [Joe Anderson as Terry Perrish] drinks whiskey from the bottle out of a bag
- [Ig, Merrin and Lee Tourneau (Max Minghella) are] Drinking beer and holding up album covers over their faces in a flashback
- Brother [Terry] doing coke and drinking whiskey from a scotch glass
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
Aja let me down here. Look at the poster, for example, you’d think a guy with horns would use them for cool things and i’m not even talking about fetish shit (although that would’ve been a welcome addition). But no. The only things the horns do is make people say and do what they really think deep down. Like a bottle of Jäger without the rush.
Still, there were some good tunes, though, so i’ll put up two shots for that. Like there was Marilyn Manson’s version of “Personal Jesus” while journalists got into a brawl.
Plus the action at the end got good, especially with all the snake attacks.
Anyway whatever, here’s a lot of the soundtrack:
Boring Technical Crap
Directed by: Alexandre Aja
Juno Temple – Merrin Williams
Heather Graham – Veronica
Kelli Garner – Glenna Shepherd
Kendra Anderson – Nurse Delilah
Daniel Radcliffe – Ig Perrish
The film is Gwyneth Paltrow: it looks good, even if it gets a little lost and pretentious.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
The review is finished, let the revue begin. From here on out, let’s call it NSFW.