My fellow alcoholics, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here, addressing members of the D-Generation (that’s ‘D’rinking-Generation for those of y’all new to Degeneration). Thanks for stopping by, nice to see all you D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) here.
A little update on my personal sitch before we get to the goodies and if you don’t give a shit about the personal sitch i’d just skip right ahead to the goodies if i was you. Really, i understand, no big deal. If you remember, my latest rule to control the drinking was to drink only outside the house, which means mostly business lunches, Open Bar Friday at the office and any art gallery events. Well, so far so good. The Fridays can be a bit of a challenge sometimes but i’ve stuck to my guns most of the time and haven’t gotten totally shit faced since i started the rule. Which explains why i haven’t been talking too much about my drinking lately. Nothing is more boring than a drinker who has his drinking under control for the moment, and i get that. Sorry babes. Hopefully i’ll fall off the wagon spectacularly really soon so i can provide you with some well deserved entertainment.
So to shake things up a little bit, here’s a Top 10 Lips for y’all. And by the way, if any mentioned celebrities are reading this, if you contact me in the comments below and pay for my drinks and any transportation required: i’m not kidding, i would love to party with you. Hell, Jim Morrison needed professional drinkers to hang with and watch out for him, you could do the same for me.
Plus, here’s a bonus round, Lily Allen singing an post-appropriate song from the juiced-box: Friday Night.
Anyways, my fellow alcoholics, i proudly present to you the
So this 36-year-old shoplifted beef jerky from a convenience store in Sheboygan (and it just had to be Sheboygan, didn’t it?). C’mon, like you’ve never shoplifted beef jerky in Sheboygan.
Anyway, with forensic excitement worthy of a CSI: Sheboygan episode, cops grabbed the surveillance footage from the shop and cracked down on the beef jerky boosting ring running rampant in Wisconsin by going to Julia E Laak’s house. Plus she also grabbed a lighter.
She was a little tipsy when the cops got there (she later blew 0.11% on the BAC) and did what none of us should do in the same situation. She kicked one of the cops in the nuts. Then she “manipulated a spit hood [!?] to spit into the mouth of a female officer who had re-dressed her”. Man, you can’t say YouTube has everything if YouTube ain’t got that footage.
But wait, why did the coplette have to re-dress Julia? Because when the uniforms first arrived, she started stripping in the living room, in front of her kids, saying “You can’t arrest me if I’m naked.”
Oh yeah, and she pressed her bare ass against the cop car window as she was being taken away. You pro’lly shouldn’t do that, either.
Taras Goretoy (that’s a freakin’ name right there), who looks way younger than his 18 years, got busted for gettin’ drunk and stealing a Semi. Kinda. He got a joyride that lasted all of 15 feet because he couldn’t figure out the air brakes. He left a long skid mark on the pavement—no mention was made of his Winnie-The-Poooh undies.
Thank god this story took place at a bar so i could post it in the Dregs…
Brandon Reed Loverde, this 31-year-old cop in Orlando, was moonlighting as a bouncer when he carried out a “No Trespass” order from the bar against a 21-year-old chick the bar had flagged as an underage drinker. You figure it out; it makes my head hurt. This is according to Loverde.
According to Rachelle C, the chick in question, Brandon took her to the parking lot, made her sit on the ground between two parked cars and gave her some water to drink while he put on rubber gloves. He then reached down her shirt and squeezed her breast until milk came out and said he wanted to “suck on them”.
Long story short, the girl passed a lie detector test and the guy was arrested and suspended from the police department without pay.
As Hunter Thompson used to say, “It still hasn’t gotten weird enough for me.”
Samantha Stilwell (43) doesn’t give up easy. On Saturday, January 16, she was pulled over for a random traffic violation but subsequently arrested for drunk driving. The cool part is she was barefoot and driving in her pajamas. The cooler part is she was busted again on Monday. For the same offense. Still barefoot. Wearing the same pajamas. By the same deputy. She pleaded with him to charge her with reckless driving because getting “two DUIs on the same weekend would not look good.” Not as good as she does, anyway (for a lazy, middle-aged alkie).
(For those of you keeping score, she got a 0.219, 0.198, and 0.226 on her BACs. The legal limit for the US is 0.08.)
…you’re thirteen-year-old daughter is smarter than you are. Gary Greer (33) was sitting in his white VW with his kids (ages 2 and 13) yelling at some poor schmuck when his daughter had her limit, got out of the car and called the cops to report her dad for drunk driving (i’m guessing he wasn’t driving when she stepped out of the car). When the deputies arrived, he said, “I’m drunk, take me to Orient [jail].” The cops decided to honor this request, giving him a grand total of 3 DUIs. i have no idea what the other busts were for, but it’s nice when you can use mugshots as a scrapbook to watch your mullet evolve.
First, like Denis F McAuliffe, you drink a 12-pack of Busch. Then you stick a .38 revolver in your pants and go to the bank of your choice, lift up your shirt, show the cashier the piece sticking out of your waistband and take off with the $4,254 bounty. Before your parole officer recognizes your photo and turns you in, you spend 1000 bucks on cocaine and 2000 on a prostitute and you check into a hotel to live large. Oh yeah, when the police ask why you did it, be sure to say “I become stupid when I’m drunk.” It looks better on the Dregs.
Don’t you hate it when you’re super drunk, carrying a gun and wearing shorts with a cowboy outfit? And you walk into your house at 1am to find there are strangers in your kitchen and a dog you don’t have so you gotta threaten the kill the mutt? Derrick Thomas Alger does, because just after the couple convinced him that he was in the wrong house, the police arrived and carried him off to jail. Derrick does, however, win the honors of the highest BAC this week, coming in at 0.312%.
Another person who hates it when he gets drunk, carries a gun wearing cowboy boots and gets his address wrong is Rip Torn. The actor, who’s most famous work was his 2006 mugshot, got so drunk he broke into a bank through a window at 9:40pm and, thinking he was home, placed his hat and boots by the front door. Police responding to the alarm he set off found him either wandering around incoherently or passed out on the floor, depending which story you believe. As he was being taken away, he asked the cops why he was being removed from his house. Hell, i don’t even need to be drunk to fantasize about living in a bank.
His BAC was 0.203%; respectable but not as high as the 0.22 revolver he was brandishing. He was released on $100,000 bail and is supposed to be sent to some kind of alcohol education clinic sometime this week. You ask me, doesn’t sound like he needs alcohol education but maybe could get tenure at Drunk-R U.
Cases in point, he was nabbed in 2008 for drunk driving in Connecticut and twice in New York (2004 & 2006—check out my Facebook page for the YouTube video of him hating on the cops after the 2006 arrest).
Clearly, this attempt to de-cloud David Hasselhoff as The Bar None’s Patron Deity is brazen, but no where near enough to Hassel the Hoff.
If her day-after trash is any indication, Kate Moss had a killer birthday party last month. There were over 10 bottles of Cristal ($200 a pop) and Laurent-Perrier ($113.69) and 20+ bottles of the cheap crap: Prosecco, Bordeaux, and D’Escurac Medoc wines.
My fellow alcoholics, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here, addressing members of the D-Generation (that’s ‘D’rinking-Generation for those of y’all new to Degeneration). Thanks for stopping by, nice to see all you D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) here.
