Booze Revooze: ZERO DARK THIRTY

Zero Dark Thirty poster bar none booze revooze

From the juiced-box (kinda…) and the soundtrack: Preparation for Attack – Alexandre Desplat & the London Symphony Orchestra

[Press ‘Play’ for Jazzical, jazz mixed with classical]

Ramblings: Mission Accomplished

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

3  & 1-2 shotsYou know how you get drunk on Irish coffees? They’re dark and sweet and bitter and you don’t realize how much of them you’ve drunk because they’re so smooth but the real problem is you’re drinking them in a bar, squeezed into a booth and the caffeine kicks in pretty damn quick and so your leg starts to bounce and you squirm in your seat and you really have to pee but you’re trapped between a passed out Marine who’s packing and a girl you have a crush on that you’d rather crawl on than over so the tension mounts and the pressure builds and you catch yourself having a super suspenseful time even if there’s not a lot of action. That’s what sitting through Zero Dark Thirty is like.

Zero Dark Thirty 01 bar none booze revooze

Jessica Chastain accidentally enters the Men’s Room

Kathryn Bigelow is cool and hot which is good because it means the movies she makes are exactly like that and Zero Dark Thirty is no exception. What’s not to like about a film that has action and hot actresses and not even a scentilla (it means ‘a little whiff’, and yes, it’s a word, can’t you see i just wrote it?) of romance. Making this more of a macho movie than both The Expendables combined.

Kathryn Bigelow makes good decisions (well, apart from marrying James Cameron) and this movie is full of the good decisions like telling the story of killing Been Lauden through a girl’s eyes. The other good decision was about the torture and you know me (and if you don’t, you don’t know the meaning of torture, kiddo), the closest i get to political is listening to Rage Against the Machine so i’m not going to the torture place in this blog (apart from my writing style). Alls i’m gonna say is that Bigelow made the right decision starting off the movie with authentic cell phone recordings left behind by 911 victims from the Twin Towers or the planes. That shot of reality will sober you right the fuck up and put the torture scenes in the right perspective.

Zero Dark Thirty 01 bar none booze revooze

“I’ll tell you whatever you want, just no more Nic Cage.”

Another good decision Big&Low made was not to go too intense with the torture. Maybe you wanna know if the torture scenes were too much and lemme tell you they were just enough. i’m a wimp when it comes to shit like torture and rape scenes in movies and the older i get the wimpier i become and i’m very fuckin’ older so if i think the torture wasn’t too traumatic, you probably won’t either.

Other than that, Zero Dark Thirty is a good drama and a good thriller and a good detective movie and a good espionage movie and a good action movie (especially the last 30 minutes) and when you have all those good movies mixed up in one, it can really suck sometimes but here it doesn’t because it’s good.

Zero Dark Thirty 03 bar none booze revooze

A quick game of ‘How Deep Can You Put Your Hands In Your Pockets’

So why only 3½ Shots? Because it’s all of those things that make it good that i just mentioned. Where The Hurt Locker took new ground and not just broke it but blew the shit out of it (if a little unevenly), Zero Dark Thirty stays within the parameters of the mission and gets the job done but without any of the shock and awe i was hoping for.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1½ Shots

1 & 1-2 shot bar none booze revoozeFor the first time, 1½ shots is actually a good thing. No i haven’t gone Bieber on you, i’m just saying that in an action film the only kind of nudity you want is nudity in action, like bare breasted females fighting topless or something and short of that, just give me pretty ladies and hold the romance, please. Which is what Bigelow gives us here.

In case you were worried i’m becoming too politically correct, here’s the notes i took:

  • JC [Jessica Chastain]’s ass looks nice in tight slacks as she leaves the torture room

i don’t know if i knew Jessica Chastain (“Maya”) or not before this movie but what i do know is i love her hair. i’ve always had a thing for gingers (or ‘strawberry blondes’ as we called them at my end of the bush) and the other nice thing about Jessica is that she can act better than you, and this i know because she was nominated for an Academy Award and you weren’t.

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The drapes DO match the…drapes.

Fun trivia: Jessica Chastain likes cleavage so much, even her chin has cleavage. Check out the picture i just posted. And then check out this.

Jessica Chastain 2013-01-30 Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Jessica Chastain Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Before i forget, there are solo shots of the actresses filling my drawers. Just scroll to the bottom of this post until you see the headline.

Silken Butterflies

We were blessed with two actresses whose talent was matched only by their beauty. Unfortunately, their appearances on screen were like touching myself in the shower (over all too quick), but don’t worry, i’ll post some shots here so that you can make the moment last.

Starting with Lauren Shaw (“Lauren” in the movie) who is not just drop dead gorgeous and also and actress but is a stunt woman as well. How cool is that!? i’ll fucking tell you how cool it is, it’s way fucking cool.

Lauren Shaw 2013-01-30 Bar None Wallpaper Booze Revooze

Lauren Shaw Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Wrapping things up is the beautiful Jessica Collins (“Debbie”). The first time i fell in love with her was when she played the Miniature Killer in CSI, and then i got to fall in love with her again in her brief appearance here. i also want it to go on record that she has the cutest nose. If you ever find yourself wondering what kind of nose i like, it’s this kind.

Jessica Collins 01 bar none booze revooze

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

2 shotsThere were enough references to keep me busy scrawling shit in my little notebook throughout the movie which means about 2 shots.

  • Wine at dinner with brunette [Jennifer Ehle as ‘Jessica’] & JC [Jessica Chastain]

We got lots of wine.

Good, bring me back a bottle.

–phone conversation between Maya & Jessica

  • Wine at pre-mole meeting
  • JC drinks something out of a clear plastic cup after her friend dies
  • Martinis @ a Kuwaiti bar
  • Bud for lunch with security guy @ Pakistani fast food
  • Beer on tap in a bar

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

3 shots

It’s like i was talking about in the intro section, there’s a lot of tension and suspense even if there’s not a lot of action. Until the last 30 minutes, which is a close to real time account of what it looked like when they wasted Ben.

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“That man is playing Galaga. Thought we wouldn’t notice…but we did.”

Apart from the nice score that Alexandre Desplat made, the music in Zero Dark Thirty is rock and roll. Well, there’s only one other song and it’s not on the soundtrack and it’s the song they play to torture a guy with: Rorschach – Pavlov’s Dog

[Press ‘Play’ for the music that tortures people]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Mark Boal

Directed by: Kathryn Bigelow

Starring

Jessica Chastain – Maya
Jennifer Ehle – Jessica
Lauren Shaw – Lauren
Jessica Collins – Debbie

Bottom Line

It’s my #3 favorite Oscar movie (of the 5 i’ve seen—#1 being Argo and Django Unchained a very close #2), which means it’s definitely worth a look-see.

Another Round

The Hurt Locker poster Bar None Booze Revooze

The Hurt Locker Booze Revooze

Green Zone poster bar none booze revooze

Green Zone Booze Revooze

The Expendables poster bar none booze revooze

The Expendables Booze Revooze

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

It’s all over but the sexy shots of the actresses with no witty text…or the text i had in this review.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of The Hurt Locker

The Hurt Locker - Poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From The Bar None Juice-Box: Music from the film.

Ministry

1. Fear (is big business)

2. Khyber Pass

3. Palestina

(Note all songs are from Ministry’s 2006 album Rio Grande Blood)

Ramblings: Explosive

Final Proof: 3 Shots

3 shots

The Hurt Locker is intense from the instant the curtain rises. The first scene primes you with energy that’s explosive for the duration. Magnificently directed by Kathryn Bigelow, the movie never really sinks into those “War Is Hell” clichés, at least not very often, and also stays away from the politics of the Iraq conflict. The acting is as realistic as the action, so i guess the only thing that really left a bad taste in my mouth was a lack of direction.

You know how you go to the bar and drink until something happens ’cause if you drink long enough something surely will? Not here. The flick begins full throttle so has nowhere to go from there and i eventually got bored of the bomb disarming scenes. If that’s the story’s point, that war is repetitive, the characters should have been more blasé than they were at the the end.

When all is said and done, despite this solitary dud, Kathryn Bigelow’s obvious talent as a director makes The Hurt Locker a blast.

Buzz Kills (Watch out for spoilers)

Sex: 0 shots

The only woman in this whole thing is Evangeline Lilly (and if you’re only gonna have one, she’s a good one to have) but she’s only on screen for all of ninety seconds. Still, it’s a good enough excuse to look up pictures of her on the Net. [Note: the amount of space dedicated to her in this post is not representative of her screen time in the film.]

Evangeline Lilly

Evangeline Lilly

Evangeline Lilly

Evangeline Lilly

Evangeline Lilly

A Smoke

Drink: 1/2 shot

1/2 Shot

Only one scene. There’s rowdy male bonding over whiskey shots from the bottle in the barracks. You’d think a bomb squad would need more liquid down time. Jeebus, in M*A*S*H* they had a still in their tent and that was a tv show.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

4 shots

Apart from some Ministry which we hear in the new guy’s room upon his arrival and more metal during the end credits, the real rock & roll in this film is the film itself. There’s enough of it in the film’s attitude to blow up your mental speakers. There’s a suicidal rebel leader, explosions, fighting, guns, shooting, killing, and balls to the wall intensity that rocks hard.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Mark Boal

Directed by: Kathryn Bigelow

Starring

Jeremy Renner – SSgt William James

Anthony Mackie – Sgt J.T. Sandborn

Brian Geraghty – Spc Owen Eldridge

Also appearing like mirages in this movie are Guy Pearce and Ralph Fiennes.

Bottom Line

See it.