From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Shwayze – Get U Home
[Press 'Play' for the sample of the Spring Break hip-hop stuff you're gonna hear throughout the whole movie.]
Ramblings: Piranha Flounders
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how drink with crazy ass foreigners? You think they’re gonna be all freaky and you’re gonna see shit you ain’t never seen before and things are gonna be so out of hand you don’t know how you’ll hold your drink but then they turn out to be as boring as the friends you already have. They tell the same lame jokes as people you’ve hung with forever, they wear the same stinky clothes and screw the same damn pooches as the people you were hoping to get away from. Then, just when you thought you were gonna bail and polish off a Pabst 12-pack at home while porn surfing doing anatomy research on the internet, all of a sudden things turn cool. Not so cool that you can completely forget about the first part of the night, but definitely more fun than you’ve had with your normal friends in a long while. So you finish the evening with a silly grin but you can’t stop wondering why the crazy ass foreigner couldn’t have been balls out from the get go. Piranha 3D was kinda like that foreigner.
Piranha 3D was directed by Alexandre Aja who is a crazy ass Frenchie whose initials make me nervous. The movie is a looser-than-Paris-Hilton’s-vadge based remake of 1978′s Piranha, and because AA’s 2006 The Hills Have Eyes rocked my world, i was hooked and pretty psyched about seeing this. You wanna know what the problem was? Aja’s film is supposed to be so over the top it gives you nose bleeds but the movie doesn’t get off the ground until the very end. Before that, it just kinda gets bogged down in mediocrity. Mediocrity and clichés, which makes sense if you think about it because “cliché” is a French word and Aja is French.
It’s so cliché that intellectuals are gonna say it’s a “sarcastic critique of the late 20th century horror genre” but drunk frat boys are gonna watch it and say “Hell Yeah! [burp] T&A!” Aja wants to have his meat and beat it, too, hoping he can hook both the intellectuals and the frat boys, but he chokes as badly as any piranha sitting on the fence. Until the end.
The last 30-40 minutes are pure gold because he really let’s go. The new and creative ways he kills people, the nonstop blood bath, the horror so horrible you laugh and moan at the same time is killer. He shoulda just done it from the beginning’s all.
A word about the 3D. Aja did a great job of playing with the effects in this movie, taking it to the extremes. We get, for example, 3D puking, 3D boobs and a 3D penis floating in our faces. Tongue in cheek, to be sure, and one way to deprive downloaders the pleasure of seeing this on their laptops.
You know what woulda been better than this movie as is? ‘Cause i do. Better would’ve been if he really went overboard and made it so the spring breakers were so obnoxious that the audience wants them to get torn to shreds. Make the piranhas the heroes. Shit, i may make a remake of this remake just so i can do it right.
Almost forgot, before we get any deeper into this, i gotta card Brooklynn Proulx who’s got a cool freakin’ name. She’s a charming young actress who does a wonderful job as Julie Forester’s (Elisabeth Shue) daughter, Laura. At 11 years old, she’s not allowed any further than here in the Bar None.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Juiced-box music to troll for babes by: Amanda Blank – Make It Take It
Sex: 4 Shots
There are 3 porn actresses in this movie. Do i really need to say anything else? If so, here’s the blow by blow and believe me, there’s a lot of blowing going on here.
Like for example the movie takes place during spring break. Spring break is the roman orgy of modern times, even in Arizona. Here’s what that’s all about.
You know what else was big in the movie? Wild, Wild Girls. A takeoff on “Girls Gone Wild”, ”Wild, Wild Girls” is run by Derrick Jones (Jerry O’Connell) and accounts for a throbbing majority of the sex in Piranha. So much so, they even created a Wild, Wild Girls website in real life. Like Jake Forester (Steven R. McQueen), you too can touch yourself while surfing and get interrupted by your mom three times. Boner points if your mom is Elisabeth Shue.
Two of the lead actresses in Piranha were Wild, Wild Girls. We got Danni (Kelly BrOOk—i’ll give you two inordinately large guesses why she has to spell her name BrOOk) and Crystal (porn actress Riley Steele).
Kelly BrOOk with her cool English accent and top model body even goes glimpses of topless in an underwater ballet scene filmed for Wild, Wild Girls by Derrick himself through the glass of a glass bottom boat. Danni and Crystal boob bump while mermaid swimming to the strains of “Flower Duet from Lakme” by Adriana Kohutova and Denisa Slepkovska. Those girls hold their breath long enough to be comical and make you want to invite them to the balls you hold in your underwear. There’s also a scene toward the beginning where the girls are on the Wild, Wild yacht and Riley Steele does a motorboat (when an individual places his or her oral organ between the breast appendages of a woman and moves the mouth organ back and forth making motorboat sounds) on Kelly BrOOk. It looked something like this…
Now’s as good a place as any for my boob rant. Honestly, i woulda gone up to a full 5 shots for the sex in Piranha but i had to remove a half-shot each for 2 big things. The first is the preponderance of large bosoms. i’m a fan of bosoms, who isn’t, am i right? Hell, i’d go even so far as to say huge bosoms don’t irritate me too much. Sure, i prefer sand dollars to beach balls, that’s how i roll, but huge bosoms don’t bug me (very big of me to say, i know). Still, when the whole movie is nothing but wall to wall D Cups running over…i start to tune out.
The other bosom issue i got goin’ on here are the cheap, imitation boobs. It’s bad enough that they gotta throw the huge boobs at you throughout the whole flick, but to import chicks with inflatable breasts with the same shape as those little poppable airsacks in bubble wrap? Come on!
Case in point: Riley Steele (that’s her in the photo of her holding her lovely original breasts). She had the cutest real breasts and then got the overinflated version that she sports in this flick. Serious movie boob critics will tell you it’s a tongue in cheek look at D Cup horror films but i’m not buying into that crap anymore. He did it for frat boys in Duluth to scrape up some of that Duluth frat boy cash that they don’t spend on kegs of Labatt’s or hockey shit.
As long as i already let Riley out of the air bags, i may as well get the introductions over. Here then is the collage of Riley Steele (23).
There’s more shots of her in my drawers, pressed closely up against shots of Kelly BrOOk (30) who at least was nice enough to bring her natural OOs. Here’s a preview.
So scroll all the way down for a peek at her in my drawers.
Still aboard the Wild, Wild Girl boat, there’s bikini teen Kelly (Jessica Szohr—25) who learns how to do tequila body shots off Crystal. Y’all may know Jessica Szohr from Gossip Girl. Not sure? Here’s a collage.
i got some photos of her in my drawers, too. Trust me, you gotta see the bonus shot.
Still, all of those young ladies were nothing but build up for Elisabeth Shue.
Did you know i was getting older? ‘Cause i sure didn’t. For example i’ve been in love with Elisabeth Shue since forever and when they showed this 16-year-old kid calling her “Mom” i called “WTF”, she’s way too young for the role of a mom. But then i came home and checked—guess what. She’s exactly 2 months older than me. And i’m old enough to have a 16-year-old. During which binge did that happen (the getting old, not the kid, i remember most of the binge my kid came from)? It just goes to show you, Elisabeth Shue and i look great for our age. OK, she looks great for her age and i look like me. Hell, if the Shue fits…
Yep, drawer shots also available at the bottom of this post.
The only drag about Elisabeth Shue is that i kept praying she’d take off her uniform shirt (she plays local sheriff, Julie Forester). She finally did toward the end but underneath she had this Canadian winter thick jersey on over some industrial strength sports bra. The shots i’m servin’ up are way hotter, swear to god.
There were tons of Silken Butterflies in Piranha 3D and i’m gonna start with the most important one first. Devanny Pinn, the lovely 22-year-old in the picture of the Silken Butterfly i just posted, plays the pivotal role of “Wet T-Shirt Girl”. As if that wasn’t enough to make her the most important, she’s also whack enough to do an interview with me. That’s right, click here to read my Booze Talkin’ chat with this charming actress.
There were a couple Wet T-shirt contests and in one of them we get flashed in 3D and that’s always good for a laugh, but what really cracked me up was when the emcee called out, “That’s it, show me those Danny Devitos”. If i gave away awards for boob slang, that’d be a winner.
Other than that, remember how i said there were 3 porn actresses in the film? It’s about time i did some porn star unveiling, if you ask me. First a collage of the trio, AKA my fantasy weekend 3-pack.
i already mentioned Riley Steele (upper right), but you have yet to meet Ashlynn Brooke (Cheerleader and 25 years old), the babe who’s on the left. i got some drawer pics of her down in the drawers as well. On the bottom, right, is Gianna Michaels (27—Parasailing Girl). If you ever see Piranha, keep your eye out for her scene because when you see Gianna is when the movie starts getting good. The film takes off with Gianna parasailing and the water pulling away her her bikini top for some classic nip slip action. Then, her gargantuan boobs shake like Santa’s belly if he had two bellies. In 3D. You see that and then you tell yourself, “OK, now the gloves come off and this movie is gonna start kicking it.” And you’re right, you knowledgeable som’bitch. Stay tuned for the shots of her in my drawers as well.
Finally, there was an all too brief appearance of Dina Meyer (41) as Paula, the seismologist. Shit, she can size my logist whenever she wants.
Of course i stuffed my drawers with some more of her.
For those of you more into rods than fish nets, i got Jerry O’Connell (36).
Steven R McQueen (22)
Adam Scott (37)
Drink: 3 Shots
First i’d like to begin with the educational part of our show. Here’s how to do tequila body shots as shown correctly in the movie. Step 1: your partner has to lie down flat on their back. Step 2: you put some salt in a cool place on their body, like between their boobs (especially if it’s a girl). Step 3: they put a lime wedge in their mouth, peel side between their teeth. Step 4: lick the salt off their flesh. Step 4: pour tequila over their bare midriff and Step 5: quickly lick the alcohol off their skin and suck it out of their navel. Step 6: try to touch your lips to theirs when you bite the lime out of their mouth.
Here’s the rest of the drink references:
- [Richard Dreyfuss has a] beer on the boat at the beginning
- [The camera, in 3D] follows the beer bottle down [to the bottom of lake after Dreyfuss catches something]
- Girls with beer in boats
- Beer on WWG boat while filming
- Champagne on boat; this is how he gets Kelly on boat, by offering champage
- Tequila body shots
- Derrick drunk and spitting tequila and throwing ¼ bottle [away into lake when he's pissed off]
Rock & Roll: 4 Shots
There wasn’t a whole of rock and roll music here (like, not any) but there was butt loads of rock and roll attitude. Enough for me to go 4 shots on this shit.
As far as music goes, other than the R ‘n’ B hip hop rap crap, Richard Dreyfuss starts the movie off fishing in a dinghy singing “Show Me The Way To Go Home”. While it’s not rock, the reference to Jaws was cute and brought a smile to my craggly ass face.
Let me give you a couple examples of the RnR attitude. Swear to god, if i were to give you all the things, i’d be here for a day past forever and i’ve already been at this post a day too long.
Example 1: A cable snaps on the floating stage, whips across this girl, cutting her bikini strap so her boob is exposed and then when she looks down at her wound, the top half of her body slides off the bottom half while she watches.
Example 2: After Derrick gets gnawed upon, his penis floats underwater in super 3D before a piranha comes and gives “swallowing” a whole new meeting.
Anyway, here’s the song list from the soundtrack:
And a final sample from the juiced-box: Hadouken! – M.A.D.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Pete Goldfinger & Josh Stolberg
Directed by: Alexandre Aja
Elisabeth Shue – Julie Forester
Devanny Pinn – Wet T-Shirt Girl
Jessica Szohr – Kelly
Kelly Brook – Danni
Riley Steele – Crystal
Dina Meyer – Paula
Brooklynn Proulx – Laura Forester
Ashlynn Brooke – Cheerleader
Gianna Michaels – Parasailing Girl
Richard Dreyfuss – Matt Boyd
Ving Rhames – Deputy Fallon
Jerry O’Connell – Derrick Jones
Steven R. McQueen – Jake Forester
Adam Scott – Novak
Go ahead and let yourself get lured into this, especially considering that downloading it will suck because there are tons of 3D effects that will look retarded if you watch it on a normal screen. If you’re too late, try downloading Drag Me To Hell instead; it’s the same style and at least is cool all the way through and not just the end.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Elisabeth Shue (46)
Jessica Szohr (25)
Kelly BrOOk (30)
Riley Steele (23)
Dina Meyer (41)
Ashlynn Brooke (25)