Ramblings: War Is Still Hell
Final Proof: 2½ Stars
You know how you get drunk with a vet? Sure they’ve survived more action than John Mayer at a sorority pillow fight, waded knee deep through blood and guts, and seen so much gore that the light in their eyes has gone on the blink but when they sit there flooding their memories with cheap whiskey and Pabst chasers they tell the same tired stories every other vet before them has been telling since the beginning of wars. So you just kind of sit there and nod off into your drink because interrupting a vet is super rude and almost as offensive as mocking them on a movie review blog. Yeah, those crazy veterinarians with their mangled kitten tales…
Basically, we got a “war is hell movie” here. Oh yeah, and an “after war is hell too” movie. You could see this, or you could see a better “war is hell” movie like Platoon or a better “after war is hell too” movie like The Deer Hunter.
Needless to say i was less than impressed. i knew i was gonna have a hard time with this bad boy right up front when they started off with flash forwards and flash backs. Flash Anywheres are just lame story writing and weak film making and hell. Oh yeah, you know what else is hell? Surprise endings that aren’t.
The acting was kinda hell, too, with a couple notable exceptions. Branko Djuric is this Yugoslavian guy (as in Yougo-slavian and i’llgo-somewhere else) who plays the Kurd doctor who has to sort through the wounded. Djuric plays the part with a perfect dose of sobriety and pathos (if ‘pathos’ means sincerity and stuff—if it doesn’t then i mean “sincerity and stuff”). The other star in this was another small part. Christopher Lee (Count Dooku in Revenge of the Siths) kicked geriatric ass as Joaquín Morales, a Spanish therapist. He even had a cool accent and everything.
As for the other lead roles, Colin Farrell kinda only had one speed in the role of Mark Walsh, a war photographer who comes home without the buddy he left with. He played it straight emo, maybe because the movie takes place in 1988, but you know me: i think emo is hell. As if to make up for this, the beautiful Paz Vega takes her part (Elena Morales, Walsh’s live-in girlfriend) way over the top and around the bend and so far out she loses it and can’t get it back.
Let’s just say that Triage fights to cover territory that’s already been won several times over.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
‘Cause i ‘member sex in the late 80’s and it was a lot better than this, even with AIDS coming out and all that. The only nudity we get in Triage is Colin’s sausage when the water drains out of the tub. Nothing even remotely close to feminine skin because part of the movie was filmed in Ireland and they’re so Catholic there the only nudity priest’s allowed back then was cock-tail wieners.
The closest thing to a sex scene was Mark’s (Colin Farrell) homecoming when he slid his hand up Elena’s (Paz Vega) shirt and fingered her saying “There you are” when he hit home. Here’s to Paz Vega (34) and to coming home.
There some hot solo shots of Paz burning my drawers. Just scroll down to the bottom of this post…
Also in this is Kelly Reilly (32), who plays Dina (the missing friend’s pregnant wife). Other than a cool closeup of her using the “f” word, there is nothing absolutely sexual with her at all. This wallpaper is sexier than anything you’ll see in the film…
There’s more of her down in my drawers, too. (For those of y’all that missed it, i also exposéed her in the Booze Revooze of Sherlock Holmes.)
Finally, for those of you who prefer bayonets to trenches, there’s Colin Farrell (34):
As a bonus, and exclusively for y’all here at the Bar None, i got Colin Farrell drinking with Michelle Rodriguez (the dude i’ll sleep with if i ever go gay).
Drink: 2 shots
Let’s skip the blah blah and just go straight to my notes, aw’ight?
- Wine in a bar at a small going away party
- Doctor in war zone drinks whiskey and smokes in empty operating room
- Pint of Guinness in pub back home
- Wine and beer at 80’s party
- Kelly Reilly pregnant and drinking red
- Girlfriend drinks white wine after-party @ home with KR
- Girlfriend drinks red wine alone, worried about Colin
- Smoking in the hospital (it’s Ireland in the 80’s)
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
Did i mention this movie was set in the 80’s? The only music here is Fine Young Cannibals. Yeah, the 80’s were hell.
Boring Technical Crap
Directed by: Danis Tanovic
Paz Vega – Elena Morales
Kelly Reilly – Diane
Colin Farrell – Mark Walsh
Branko Djuric – Dr. Talzani
Christopher Lee – Joaquín Morales
Don’t even wait for the DVD. Rent Apocalypse Now, The Longest Day, Saving Private Ryan, The Deer Hunter or any other good movie.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Paz Vega (34)
Kelly Reilly (32)