Django Unchained poster bar none booze revooze

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: RZA – Ode to Django (The D is silent)

[Press ‘Play’ for “Two beers for two weary travelers”]

Django Unchained Bar None Booze Revooze


Final Proof: 4½ Shots

4 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk in a video game? It gets so bad you don’t feel like you’re playing it but that you’re in it, deep in it, no longer a player but the real thing, absorbed and walking around someone else’s alternative reality. The violence is larger ‘n’ life is shorter and the blood is redder with the bad guys deader and there’s lots of action from beginning to end and if it won’t break at least you can bender. While you’re staggering through all the various levels releasing souls left and right and some of the levels may resemble each other but it’s still tons of fun with ultra violence so far gone it’s exciting and hilarious at the same time with the blaring music egging you on deeper into the story where each doorway opens onto a surprise more intense until you reach the Boss ending. Django Unchained is like that video game.

Django Unchained 01 Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Horsing Around

i told myself i was gonna give this movie ½-shot less than i gave Inglourious Basterds, but Inglourious Basterds should’ve been a 5-shot movie and you can tell i wrote that review in my drinking days because i didn’t give it all it was due. So ½-shot less than the 5 i should of given Inglourious Basterds makes this an even 4½.

Why ½-shot less? Because Django Unchained is the second shot from the same bottle of Inglourious Basterds. In IB we had the holocaust, in DU we have slavery. In IB we had Brad Pitt, in DU we have Leonardo DiCaprio. In IB we have Bowie as an anachronism, in DU it’s pre-civil war rap. The good news is, if you liked Inglourious Basterds, you’re going to like Django Unchained–and i fucking loved Inglorious Basterds.

Django Unchained 02 Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Beating a Dead Horse

The other little thing i didn’t feel so much was how the ending went long. It was like after closing time and you’re the bartender and that one lonely chick is babbling on and on and you’re too polite to walk out on her, but still you pay more attention to your watch than you do her. Tarantino could’ve ended this 10 minutes earlier’s all i’m sayin’.

Now for the easy part. What went right.

i like Tarantino a lot and i’ll tell you why it’s because he makes fun movies with talent. He’s Dostoevsky writing comics. Rodin with Silly Putty. A French chef preparing deep fried bacon. He takes tacky and makes it art, transforms kitsch into cool.

Django Unchained 03 Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Suddenly, Jamie Foxx realized she was on her period.

But he had help here, and the help i’m talking about are the cast because the actors here acted the shit out of everything. Christoph Waltz as Django’s mentor Dr. King Schultz was good, no doubt about it, but Waltz’s good in everything and here he only got to act in one language, not like Inglourious Basterds where he got to rock in 3 languages. It was fun seeing Don Johnson again and he’s looking pretty good and acting the part but the real acting was done by Jamie Foxx who was Django and he was Django for real. To be Django he had to be proud yet cool when he was in the shit and Foxx played both sides of that double edged dagger to perfection.

But you know who was also just as good was Samuel L Jackson who played Stephen the head slave. i didn’t even recognize him at first and the way Stephen came to life as this sassy boss slave who knew exactly how far he could push it before going too far, yet so loyal to the system that trapped him was inspiring. i don’t remember if Jackson got nominated for an Oscar for this role, but he sure should’ve ahead of Waltz, in my blog.

Django Unchained 04 Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Kentucky Fried Johnson

i’m not ignoring the women. Hell, you know me and if you don’t i’m the one who bought you that drink just before he threw up on your shoes that one time, i’m all about giving the women their credit. The only problem with that here is that there weren’t a whole lot of women in slave times. The ladies in this movie do the part justice, but don’t have very meaty characters to flesh out. A notable exception is Laura Cayouette who is Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, a proper southern lady. Cayoutte give us lots to smile about with her tongue in cheeky portrayal.

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“I’m so gonna nail this babe!”

Tarantino has a gift and he’s giving it to us hard here, pushing it all the way home. He has a feeling for film that goes deeper than any other director and can reach places no one else can. You will laugh out loud, you will turn your head in disgust, you will lean on the edge of your seat and your eyes will be angry that they can’t look everywhere at the same time. Your muscles will clench your hands will sweat and you will hold your breath for two hours while your mad eyes burn from not blinking.

Some people are gonna wanna tell you this is too violent but that’s a load of horseshit because it’s true. This is Tarantino for fuck’s sake. Do people complain about the nudity in porn? The swearing in rap? The fat in Denny’s meat? Of course they do, but the fuckers that do need to be taken out back and shot because porn, Tarantino and Denny’s meat fulfill their higher purpose and answer the call with no hangups. “If you don’t like the shit, climb out of the outhouse,” my Grandpa used to say (or would’ve if he was as fucked up as me).

Django Unchained 05 Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

It’s Hammer Time!

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

2 shotsThe funny thing is, i was sure there were a couple nude scenes in Django Unchained, but then when i look back at my notes (during movies i take notes like a teenager in sex ed) i can’t find any reference to nudity. And i’m the kinda guy that would reference that.  So i brought this down from 3 Shots to 2.

Django Unchained Sex Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Sex Ed, Lesson 1: You have to take off your clothes first.

Here’s the only shit i wrote down about the sex in Django Unchained:

  • Underside of JF’s [Jamie Foxx’s] balls as he hangs upside down.

Still, even if there’s a shortage of naked in Django, there’s no shortage of talent…or beauty.

My first piece of evidence is Kerry Washington, who plays Broomhilda just right.

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Kerry Washington Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

As with most of the actresses i’ll exposé here, there’s some single shots of Kerry all the way down at the bottom if you scroll to the part where it says “Al K Hall’s Drawers”.

After that, there’s also Nichole Galicia, who is Sheba, Calvin Candie’s (Leonardo DiCaprio) bit of dark chocolate whose job is apparently to sit around the plantation, drink, and look like this.

Nichole Galicia 2013-01-20 Bar None Wallpaper booze revoze

Nichole Galicia Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Appearing as Candie’s sister, Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, is the lovely and gifted Laura Cayouette. Here’s some of her gifts.

Laura Cayouette 2013-01-20 Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Laura Cayouette Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

And don’t forget Amber Tamblyn as the Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter. And when she looks like this, how could you?

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Amber Tamblyn Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

Some of the actresses that were in Django Unchained far too briefly for my taste…

Zoë Bell, as “Tracker”, and how sad but cool was it that she wore a bandanna over her face the entire movie?

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Zoë Bell in the Bar None

Louise Stratten was a Daughtrey Saloon Girl.

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As was Shannon Hazlett, the other Daughtrey Saloon Girl.

Shannon Hazlett 01 bar none booze revooze

Last but not at all least is the adorable Sharon Pierre-Louis who came as Little Jody.

Sharon Pierre-Louis 01 bar none booze revooze

For those of you more interested in Southern Beaus than Southern Belles, we have…

Django Unchained Bar None Booze Revooze

Leonardo DiCaprio…in the Bar None.

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Leonardo Dicaprio in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Here’s Mr Beau Django himself, Jamie Foxx.

Jamie Foxx Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Jamie Foxx Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s some shots of him at the top of my drawers down below.

A Smoke

Drink: 3 Shots

3 shots

Django Unchained drink 01 bar none booze revooze

Booze played a big role in Django Unchained even if it didn’t play that important of one, which is a perfect 3 shot recipe.

Good morning, Innkeeper! Two beers for two weary travelers.

–Dr. King Shultz escorting Django into a saloon [and also the start to the song at the top of this post]

  • Leo’s [Leonardo DiCaprio] lawyer orders sweet tea & bourbon at bar in house
  • Champagne on ice in glass ice bucket
  • Other Mandingo owner orders a tequila after his slave dies
  • A tall beer for the winning slave Mandingo

Polynesian Pearl, and do not spare the rum.

–DiCaprio [Calvin Candie]

 Django Unchained Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Django Unchained Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

  • Champagne and wine at lunch…
  • White wine at Candie’s dinner

To Eskimo Joe, or shall we call him the Black Hercules.

  • Brandy after dinner
  • Stephen (Samuel L Jackson) drinks brandy while explaining the situation

Django Unchained Drink Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Django Unchained drink 02 bar none booze revooze

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4½ Shots

4 & 1-2 shots

And i woulda gone a full 5 shots if the ending hadn’t dragged on a little.

Besides, how have you not stolen / bought / copied / torrented / use netted the soundtrack to Django Unchained yet? It’s not rock and roll but it’s almost better. Tarantino has an incredible ear for this kind of shit because the soundtrack goes everywhere from spaghetti Western guitar shit (Ennio Morricone) to 70’s shit (Jim Croce “I Got A Name” and Richie Havens “Freedom”, unfortunately not on the soundtrack album) to some kickass rap, like the song i put at the top and this one i’mma include right here.

Rick Ross (written by Jamie Foxx) – 100 Black Coffins

Add to this cool ass music the Tarantino action that redefines action the same way God redefined earth when he invented it, and you see why i gave this some bitch so much respect.

Django Unchained Bar None Booze Revooze gif

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Quentin Tarantino

Directed by:
Quentin Tarantino

Django Unchained 07 Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Ah, to be with friends and shoot the breeze.


Kerry Washington – Broomhilda
Nichole Galicia – Sheba
Laura Cayouette – Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly
Amber Tamblyn – Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter
Zoë Bell – Tracker
Louise Stratten – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Shannon Hazlett – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Sharon Pierre-Louis – Little Jody
Jamie Foxx – Django
Christoph Waltz – Dr. King Schultz
Leonardo DiCaprio – Calvin Candie
Samuel L. Jackson – Stephen
Don Johnson – Big Daddy

Bottom Line

See it. This is that “Holy Shit” moment you been waiting on for awhile now.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s it for the words. For those of you who continue, there’s nothing but the pictures.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of J. EDGAR

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Ludovico Einaudi – Fly

Ramblings: Just Edgar

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk in high school? Your best friend steals a fifth of Southern Comfort from under his step brother’s bed and brings it to school in his back pack so you start sharing swigs of it between classes until lunch time when you really hit it hard so by last period you’re pretty well fucked up and find yourself in history class with the kind of teacher that tries to make history exciting by wearing costumes and talking with funny voices but when you get right down to it, history will always be history and history is bunk especially when you’re fucked up so all you do is nap in back of the class and wake up when the final bell rings. That was the kind of class J. Edgar had.

“I drink the Fifth.”

Mrs Demeanor and i saw this a week ago (it came out super late in Yeaman) and we both fell asleep in it. i just want to get that out there in the open right off the bat.

J. Edgar is a really well-made movie and the actors are super good actors (most of the time) and the make up is killer (for many people) and the directing is spot on but beneath all of that there’s a lot of “Who Cares”? Basically, Eastwood decided to make a reenactment of contemporary American History, using J. Edgar Hoover as a theme. Here’s all the lessons Eastwood will teach you:

  1. Bolshevik bombings in the US
  2. Lindbergh baby kidnapping
  3. Martin Luther King and his Nobel Prize
  4. Watergate references

The Famous Conan Arrest Scandal

Leonardo DiCaprio is Hoover and i’m getting better about not hating Leo for being inordinately good looking and just as talented. It’s either old age or sobriety, but i made the same concession stand on Brad Pitt. Comes a time i just have to accept that there are people who get a lot more better stuff than me for absolutely no reason other than they were born that way. And worked a lot harder and took more chances and made more sacrifices. Life is so unfair.

i knew Di-Crapio (what? i said i accepted him, not that i was gonna grow up) was a good actor because he spoke in a funny accent and that’s always the sign of a good actor. Except for maybe Jeffrey Donovan who did a strange job portraying Robert Kennedy. Either he over-acted or was over-directed, but it seems Donovan plays his A-game for Burn Notice on TV. Which is cool because i like that show better than this movie anyway.

Robert Kennedy Gets Assassinated Again

Speaking of overdoing it, Armie Hammer (who i exposéed like a madman in the Booze Revooze of The Social Network) is a good actor but got the short end of the lipstick on makeup because everyone else turned out realistic looking as an old person except for him. He just looked like he was wearing one of those rubber Mission Impossible masks.

The other thing i wondered about before going in–OK, the only thing i really cared about before going in–was where Clint would come off on the Trannie issue. Was Hoover a cross dresser? Interestingly enough, Clint shows Hoover wearing his mother’s clothes once, even though the research i did on the internets tends to poo poo the concept. Clint also says, and this i didn’t know, that Hoover liked to hoover guys penises. With his mouth. Or at least he was a gay who kept his gay under lacy wraps. The internets backs him up on this, but i find it interesting that Dirty Harry made a movie about how Hoover’s lifelong gay love affair. Maybe that’s the angle Eastwood was hoping would pull people into the theaters.

“I would look so much hotter in something with more lace.”

Why not, but really the question is, “Why?” because, instead of us getting all into the character and caring about him and shit, it’s like flipping through chapter after chapter of a history text and only looking at the pictures. Make me love him, make me hate him, make me mock him, make me feel sorry for him but for christ’s sake make me feel something instead of numbing my brain with your Clint film making that is, technically, perfect. If only i felt as good as it looked.

“My secrets are all…Classified!”

Before i go any further, i’m going to card Sadie Calvano who played J Edgar’s apparently mute niece because she doesn’t say one word in the movie. Sadie’s only 15 and thus too young to hang with the big kids…nothing age inappropriate going on in the Bar None.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex:1 Shot

You might want to bump it up another shot or two if you’re gay, ’cause there’s lots of gayness going on here, even if nothing is ever consummated. OK, that’s not entirely true. There’s one intense sex scene when one wrinkly octogenarian kisses another octogenarian’s forehead. (No tongue.)

“That’s one sexy ass forehead you got there, angel butt.”

For the rest of the sex, well, there are some sexy women in it but they aren’t sexy in it. The female lead is Naomi Watts (43) who is vastly undersexy in this but that’s not so bad because she’s a talented actress and it’s always nice to see a true artist apply her Craft (i picked that shit up from Actor’s Studio, yo). Anyways, here’s what’s Watts.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

The other funny thing (and i’m laughing all the way to the sperm bank) is that apparently Naomi accepts to pose for pictures if and only if she’s wearing something see through. Go ahead and don’t believe me, but scroll all the way down to my drawers and you’ll see how transparent i’m being with you.

There’s also a quick appearance by one of my all time favorite crushes who’ve i’ve been crushing on for decades, Lea Thompson (50). God, she’s aged so much better than i have. Here’s some proof of that.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

OK, there are some more recent shots of her than that in my drawers and you’ll see just how right i can be.

Silken Butterflies

Both of the Silken Butterflies were in the same scene as Lea Thompson in nightclub at J Edgar’s table. Lea Thompson played Lela Rogers, Ginger Rogers’ mother. And who played Ginger Rogers? 17-year-old Jamie LaBarber–which is French for “The Barber”– who i’m putting here because her résumé says she’s “legal 18 status” which could be a handy phrase for me to remember for the police (oh gimme a break, you knew my sense of humor when you came along for this ride).

There are some equally tame shots of her in my drawers.

Finally, there’s the beautiful Amanda Schull (34) who plays Anita Colby (“Feminine Director of the Selznick Studios”, was her job title). Here’s what a Feminine Director looks like.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There’ll be some shots of her loitering deep in my drawers as well. Just keep scrolling down there.

For those of you more into Hard Crime than Miss Demeanors, here’s Leonardo DiCaprio (37).

Lol, i got some other shots of him in my drawers as well, don’t worry your pretty little heads (and i won’t worry mine–more lol).

Wait, time for one more sex scene from the movie.

A Smoke

Drink: 1/2 Shot

There was enough here for me to write about but not to write home about, which seems to be worthy of 2 shots when it comes right down to it.

  • Hoover drinks champagne to celebrate and Tolson remarks on this
  • Drinks at the table when the starlettes fawn on Hoover
  • Whiskey when Tolson and Hoover admit they’re in love

Slurred Speeches

I will dismiss from this bureau any agent indulging in intoxicants.

Hoover’s speech to his troops on the first day of the creation of the Bureau of Investigation.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll:0 Shots

Yeah, nothing. Not happening. Not the action, not the music. Nada.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Dustin Lance Black

Directed by: Clint Eastwood


Naomi Watts – Helen Gandy
Lea Thompson – Lela Rogers
Jamie LaBarber – Ginger Rogers
Amanda Schull – Anita Colby
Sadie Calvano – Edgar’s Niece
Leonardo DiCaprio – J. Edgar Hoover
Armie Hammer – Clyde Tolson
Jeffrey Donovan – Robert Kennedy

Bottom Line

Wait for it to come on the History Channel

Al K Hall’s Drawers

It’s all over but the crying and if you don’t want to see that, then click on the link here and it’ll take you straight to my drawer shots…

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of SHUTTER ISLAND

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Dinah Washington & Max Richter – This Bitter Earth

[Press ‘Play’ for something that’s nowhere near rock, but will be the most beautiful thing you hear today]

Ramblings: Shudder Island

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you get drunk on Jägermeister in some back alley bar in the bad part of town? The bar is sinister, the people are ominous, the Jäger is dark and a somber buzz descends down on you beautifully, settles into you with macabre intensity that feeds the nightmares running rampant across the vista of your dreamscape. The visions are intense hallucinations as stunning as they are scary, as graceful as grisly, as magnificent as menacing. You’re frightened but not afraid because the boatman leading you down your stream of subconsciousness steers with a deft hand and shows you all the stupefying sights before gently guiding you home. Shutter Island is like that.

Just like those magic bar nights that seem to come together serendipitously, all the key elements needed for perfection came together to make an incredible film. Based on a book by Dennis Lehane, a writer who takes thrillers to a whole new level by placing rich and developed characters in extreme situations, the movie was directed by a Martin Scorsese who has been able to hone the edge of his early work into something sharper and more brilliant. Add to the mix Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo, two solid actors who sweeten the pot, and you end up with a Jäger bomb that is.

With incredibly shot landscapes and striking images that spark the slowburn intensity into open flames, it’s hard to find things not to like about this movie. If you’re looking for a foreboding Jäger buzz without the hangover but with all the hallucinations, Shutter Island deserves a shot.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

The good nudes is, there was nudity. The bad nudes is, it wasn’t Michelle Williams, Emily Mortimer, or Nellie Sciutto—it was crazy ass people in an insane asylum and let’s just say there aren’t any hotties in the nut house ’cause hot people drive us crazy.

The first hottie on my list is Michelle Williams (29). She plays Dolores, Teddy Daniel’s (Leonardo DiCaprio) flashback wife. The nice thing about her portrayal is she doesn’t push it over the top, a mistake it woulda been all to easy to do with this role.

Click on Image For Wallpaper Size

After that, we got Emily Mortimer (38) as Rachel 1. She’s Rachel 1, because she is #1.

There was also a Silken Butterfly (a beautiful vision that flies too briefly across the silver screen) in the form of one Nellie Sciutto who plays Nurse Marino. Here’s to hoping we see lots more of her.

For those of you who prefer bars to padded cells [get it? padded “cells“—ah give me a break, like you pay for this crap] i got some Leonardo DiCaprio (35) who played Teddy Daniels.

Leo In The Bar None

Here’s Mark Ruffalo, who looked sharp as Chuck Aule, Teddy’s ‘partner’ (not in the gay way).

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

  • [Ben] Kingsley [as Dr Cawley] drinks cognac at home
  • Ruffalo drinks Rye
  • Leo doesn’t drink
  • [Max] Von Sydow [as Dr Naehring] drinks whiskey
  • Leo was an alcoholic in a dream sequence
  • Dicaprio is a cool smoker
  • Great cigarette movie
  • Smokin’ Luckies

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

Yeah, OK, this movie wasn’t a “rock and roll” movie. No rock in the soundtrack and not really in the attitude, but maybe one of the things that impressed me the most about this movie was that it didn’t need rock and roll to be cool.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Dennis Lehane (Book)

Laeta Kalogridis (Screenplay)

Directed by: Martin Scorsese


Michelle Williams – Dolores

Emily Mortimer – Rachel Solando 1

Nellie Sciutto – Nurse Marino

Leonardo DiCaprio – Teddy Daniels

Mark Ruffalo – Chuck Aule

Bottom Line

This will become known as a major film in Scorsese’s works, don’t miss it.