From the intelligentsia that brought you eye shots and butt chugging…
Now, how many times have people called you a drunk asshole? How many times have you gotten drunk off your ass? Has anyone ever told you to take that drink and shove it up your ass? Guess what, now you can.
There’s a not so new fad that’s snaked its way into the back door of America’s youth and it comes in the form of a tampon. Apparently, you’re not anybody until you’ve doused a vampire’s teabag with vodka and wedged it up your rectum.
What will they think of next? Hopefully something that actually works because one journalist chick tried this for reals and said it just made her feel a little light headed, but i’m thinking that may just come from bending over in a toilet stall and trying to back a drunk driver up the Hershey highway.
Lindsay Lohan was spotted like a leopard in my Gramma’s yoga pants which is just where Henry Hopper wants her. His dad is the late Dennis Hopper and guess what, he’s so late he’s not even coming because he’s dead. To imagine that what grew from his man yeast is now out on a booze run with “Mo-han Full Is A Waste” must have Dennis rolling one in his grave.
Not to worry, Hop-Head, she wasn’t using him for his peen work but rather his puny arms because she bought more booze than she could carry, which is a lot because girl can hold her liquor until she starts hurling it at people.
Oh yes she did. Mrs Demeanor, otherwisely known as my wife, finally started that blog about being married to someone like me. She named it after our sex life, now what?, and you can get there by clicking on the link.
The Bar None’s resident Bar Nun made the news again this week for shit that even i in my infinite Shitness have a hard time wrapping my brain around. Like one of those beer belches that turns out to be a barf so voluminous you can’t keep it in your mouth or swallow it back down so it spills forth from you in a reluctant flood down the front of your shirt and into a puddle on your lap, so was the way with all the drunken news about Lindsay Lohan that came out recently.
Starting with the normal abnormalities, Her Ho-ness went to a party for a magazine called V Magazine. What does “V” stand for? Why do you think they invited Lindsay…
At this party, Gin-dsay got drunk, as is her want, and threw a drink at a guy named Jasper because there are still parents out there somewhere in this wide and wonderful world of ours that think naming kids things like Jasper is a good idea. The reason she threw her drink at Jasper was not because he was a professional photographer for V Magazine, which he is, but because he was doing his job and took a picture of her. In public. At a party. For the magazine hosting the party she was getting drunk at.
Then, miscellaneously, some random person started bleeding at Linds’ table and had to be carried away by the Fire Department.
Oh yeah, and Lindsay’s mom, the Mohan (or “Mo-Fo-Han”, i still haven’t made up my mind) was there and drunk too.
Hold on, i’m gonna stop you right there before you start making all kinds of lesbian incest MILF jokes because this isn’t the kind of blog where we joke about that kind of thing.
This is the kind of blog where we post picutres about that kind of thing.
Seriously, how do you write about this? i swear to god i have no idea which end of this thing to grab and jerk on first. That a drunken, 25-year-old starlette is making out with her 49-year-old MIKOLTFOADIIWD (Mother I’d Kind Of Like To Fuck On A Dare If I Was Drunk) is news enough, but that it’s the Bar Nun! And her fucking Mother!
If i made life up it’d look a lot like this. Then you’d tell me i was sick and unrealistic.
And that doesn’t even include the Drawer Shots “down there”. Keep scrolling if you don’t believe me.
You know how i know California is the land of MILF and Honey? Because they got quantities of booze there that would morally bankrupt most hedonistic states. Not only did the city of Los Angeles contain sufficient volumes of booze to get Mommy and Little Lohan into some girl-on-girl (granted it proably took a lot less than they drank, but still) but also had enough left over to intoxicate Paz de la Huerta.
SPaz Dispenser showed up at a cat call for Boardwalk Empire and her (dis)appearance tempted HBO to retitle the show Bored-Stagger Empire. Here’s some shots for y’all to pour over.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Plus i got way more photos of Paz de la Hurla down in my drawers. Keep scrolling, babes.
Kim Delaney, the lovely 49-year-old actress (hey, like Dina Lohan!) i first fell in like with during NYPD Blue balls but fell in love with when she had a cameo in drunk driving court is now in Army Wives, which, it turns out, is not lesbian porn but a real TV show. The word “army” in the title automatically qualified Kim as a speaker at an event honoring U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, so in a surprise tribute to how fucked up the miliatry is, she arrived onstage fucked up.
After slurring together a string of words that don’t belong together, her speech was cut short by loud voices and an intern who couldn’t find a shepherds crook so ran on stage to drag Kim off.
Bar None's artist hallucination of Kim
Just in case you don’t know why i fell like a drunk man walking on a fence beam over a pig styinto love with her, here’s a wallpaper. Plus there’s some scrappy shots sliding around in my drawers.
Mythical French guy Gérard PépéLePew got super drunk on a plane that was going to fly to Dublin probably because he drank all the alcohol that was already in France and needed to drink another continent dry. But yellow journalists relieved themselves by leaking the story that while he was in continent he screamed out “I Need To Peace!” but no one let him because they probably didn’t understand that “Peace” is French for “Piss”.
But, despite the fact i just made these details up, no one let him pee so he stood up and peed in the aisle. As in “Aisle be going now. Right here.” Of course the flight was cancelled. With all of the alcohol content in his urine, the pilot was worried about internal combustion or some shit so the flight was grounded like that time in high school i came home drunk and my Mom and Dad were still up.
Anyway, here’s in case you wanted a wallpaper of this mess.
There’s a bar called The Box in a city called London. Not every place can be called Yeaman and have The Bar None, but here’s something that should put that other club and that London Town on the map: High model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley got drunk there. Come to the Bar None, Rosie! My box is always wide open for you.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley thinking outside The Box
i got some big ol’ Rosie shots filling my drawers, as well.
Go ahead, click on that link. i dare you. See!? The Bar None is now my private domain, literally. This way it’s tons easier to tell your friends all about this place so they can come by. Watch this, “Hey, check out ‘The Bar None dot Me’.” See how easy?
In my desire to take over the entire World Wide Web until the internet is known as TheBarNoneNet, i’ve set up a Facebook page for The Bar None. Please go there. Please Like me. Please tell your friends to Like me. The Rod is getting so lonesome.
The dregs have been fermenting for awhile so we got some trouble brewin’. Like there’s a catwalk in a straight line, a wine pump, getting shitfaced on piss, a new kind of suicide assistance and vampire beer. On top of that (where it belongs), i know you know we know we got Lindsay Lohan, the Bar Nun, back where she belongs.
From the juiced-box: Labelle – Voulez-Vous Couchez Avec Moi Ce Soir
[Press 'Play' for something that'll make sense at the end of the commoner dregs, swear on The Bible (or, as we say in French, La Bible)]
James Gilpin must be from the United Kingdom or England or one of those other countries where they drive on the wrong side of the road. ‘Cause over in those countries they talk wrong too, like to be “pissed” is to be drunk, not pissed off. So, i’m thinking James Gilpeen is from there or just really drunk or pro’lly both because he had this idea which goes something like this. “Hmm, I’m a biomedical research guy and elderly diabetics have a lot of sugar in their urine so wouldn’t it be cool if I collected old people pee, fermented it and mixed it with whiskey?” Now, if he could only find a reason for people to drink that instead of just straight whiskey.
Adam Segura is running for Bar None hero status. He got busted drunk driving, but everybody and their peeing diabetic grandma does that. What makes Adam special is that he got pulled over twice, in 5 minutes. Driving a cop car the second time. He got pulled over the first time, was handcuffed in the cop car and while the cops were outside interviewing someone else, he slid the cuffs to the front and drove away. Too bad he got caught again after a couple of minutes or he would of made hero for real.
Sheryl A. Urzedowski is 38 which means she’ll never be a top model, at least not like the drunk babes in the collage up top. Still, it’s like Heidi Klum says, “One night you’re drunk, the next night your out”. Sheryl got pulled over for DUI and had to walk a straight line, except she did it three times with her hands on her hips. So the cop informed the America’s Next Drunk Model that she was under arrest. She insisted that the officer read her the “Amanda Rights”. Sure, it’s funny but wouldn’t it have been funnier if she said “Read me my Miranda KERR rights”. Plus it would of been hotter.
Staying with the theme of DUI, ’cause i’m all about the logical transitions, we got a brother and sister duet that i refuse to make any “shocking” puns about. Seems Darlene Neward had a glass of the Jager before heading out with her little kids and her brother. She and her bro-ski got into over something so she shot him with a stun gun. Then, and why is there never any explanation for the fun stuff, she stun gunned herself. The cops came and there was much arresting. Stunning. (Hey, i only promised not to make any “shocking” jokes.) Oh yeah, i almost forgot the worst part of this mess. You know what her BAC was? Fuckin’ 0.089%. Yep, only 0.009% over the legal limit. If you’re only gonna be that lamely “drunk”, you’re not allowed to use the booze as an excuse for your stupidity. Stand up and face the stupid, woman.
Staying with the family theme, Valerie Jenkins (56) knows how to help out when you’re feeling suicidal. Seems her husband was plastered and wearing his death colored glasses and was whining about offing himself to his tender wife. Always one to lend a helping hand, she asked her dearly inebriated if he wanted the gun. He told her he did, she went to other room and got a pistol which she tossed on the sofa beside him. He picked it up and shot himself in the face. She’s now being prosecuted for manslaughter.
This 17-year-old kid, Ryan Gelineau who lives in Assachussettes, burrowed through the roof of a pharmacy to steal 100 bottles of pills, $320, 4 cartons of smokes and cough syrup. Honestly, i have no frickin’ idea where to begin with this one. Should he have broke into a liquor store instead of a pharmacy if he wanted to drink? But there were cigarettes in the pharmacy, does that mean nicotine is medicine? Or does it mean they sell other shit than drugs. If they do, why did he go for the cough syrup and not the booze? Because he went for the cough syrup big time. See, he couldn’t get back through the hole he’d hacksawed in the ceiling so he hidout in a crawlspace and drank 2 bottles of codeine laced baby booze and passed out. Funkin’ lightweight. The next morning his cellphone ringing alerted the staff who called the police. Still, cigarettes in a pharmacy, there’s an odd logic in that.
Not much to say about this. In a country called Belgium or Europe, they make this special beer by the light of the full moon because it brews faster. The beer is ready in 5 days instead of 7, which i guess also means the full moon period is longer in the old country than in the new land. All this BS is supposed to make the beer stronger but still smooth. The name of the beer is Paix-Dieu, which means “Peace God”, which is how the French pronounce “God Piss”. Anything makes sense if you think about it long enough.
Check this out a sec while i sit over here weeping for joy.
In this other country called France, they have an expression other than “Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?” It goes, “Mon Dieu!” and it means “Sacré Bleu!” This is the kind of shit they say when they realize how lucky they are that they can go to any old supermarket and there’s a Wine Pimp. Wine by the gallon, or “liter” i guess because they do everything different over there. Basically, you take the mademoiselle to the store, fill her up, then ask if you “voulez-vous couchez avec moi” all over the place. Ooh la la. Or, as they say in France, Ooh la la.
There’s really only one story this week and you know what that is. Lindsay had a quickie in jail—in and out. Yes, the Bar None’s Bar Nun had a brush with the law but all’s well that ends well. Thank god the ‘crack’ team over at FREE LINDSAY!!! was on the case (of beer). Rather than siphon through all the news and have the re-runs here, everyone’s life’ll be easier if i just give you the blow. By blow. And then cut right to the pictures.
You know how my blog is my temple, right? The Bar None has its Patron Deity (David Hasselhoff), its Patron Sain’t (Kiefer Sutherland) and now its Bar Nun: Lindsay Lohan.
Lindsay Lohan At The Bar None
[From the juiced-box and from one lush to another: Amy Winehouse - You Know I'm No Good]
Y’all know by now that on May 24th, LA Judge Marsha Revel (and you’d think a judge named ‘Revel’ would know better) committed a crime against humanity by actually forbidding Lindsay from drinking any alcohol at all. Our Bar Nun now sports a new fashion accessory: The SCRAM (Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitor).
Here’s Lindsay on the catty walk with her ankle jewelry:
Look, i’m not gonna drag this out longer than i have to. Suffice to say, if she can’t get drunk in real life, she’s more than welcome to hang out here and get all the virtual buzz on that she wants. They still haven’t found a way to take that from us.
Here’s what i’m talkin’ ’bout… Lindsay in The Bar None.
i’ll leave with you some shots of our Bar Nun in better times.
The indie shots are available after the wallpaper…
Hayden's Not The Only One Lickin' The Dregs This Week
This week at the bottom of the dregs we got a fallen hero, a visit from Lindsay, Pete looking petered, Charlie Sheen’s wife in rehab, Charlie Sheen not in rehab, Emma Roberts smarter than you think, Dita Von Teese in her cups, Jesus’trail of broken beer bottles, why you can’t pee in Rio and oh so many more things that aren’t my fault.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to Hayden Panettiere: Ron Hacker – I Got Tattooed
This 45-year-old in Bunnell, Florida drove herself to the local prison for a conjugal visit with her homey-away-from-home. Only problem was, she was late for her visitation pass. Only other problem was the jail doesn’t allow conjugal visits. The real problems started when she came back a short time later and the deputies realized she was totally drunk. They called the road patrol who found her sitting in the car in the parking lot. She failed every test they threw at her: field test, breath test and she had a BAC of 0.256%. She was arrested, but the cold hearted bastards wouldn’t even throw her drunk ass in the same cell as her jail-mate—the babe had to go home and work release in solitary.
You can be arrested for peeing in Rio. Seems years past, revelers got liquored up and found sweet relief just about anywhere to the point the gutters were rivers of liquid gold. Well, not anymore. To stem the primrose tide, city officials are fining and even arresting main vein drainers. At last-call, 77 golden showerers were cut off.
i tried to find a way to make this funny, god knows i did, but there just isn’t anything funny about it. Nathan Lewis (21), of Lewiston (no relation, i’m guessing), Idaho got himself hitched on a Sunday. That afternoon, he got popped like K-Mart champagne for D&D, which is lingo for Drunk & Disorderly, not Dungeons & Dragons. So I. M. Redneck gets out on bail and then goes home and gets busted again, this time for domestic violence because he beat up on his new wife. Arrested twice on his wedding night, that’s how you know when the honeymoon’s over.
Jesus Perez (26) got drunk in Massachusetts, like everyone else in the freakin’ state, but made the mistake of driving into 6 parked cars. But even that doesn’t set him apart from the rest of the Massachewtards. He’s smarter than the average christ ’cause when he fled the scene, he grabbed his case of Heineken. He failed as beer savior, though, ’cause there was a hole in the case and he kept losing bottles that smashed on the ground behind him as he ran. All the police had to do to arrest him was follow the trail of broken glass. Handsful & Cretin: a truly Grimm fairytale.
i normally avoid anything that has to do with drugs because the scope of this blog is already wide enough, but y’ll made me change my mind by hitting Celebrity Dregs Of The Weeks: Nov 30 – Dec 13 a freaking 77 times last Saturday. And it was all about Brian Bonsall. i tried to figure out why this old post received so much attention and uncovered that Brian recently got busted for ‘openly’ smoking weed in Boulder, Colorado (which is as astonishing as drinking in Massachusetts, eh Jesus?) while on parole for drunkenly beating up his buddy with a barstool. Anyway, here’s the mug shot, fresh with new tats for the occasion.
In news that has nothing to do with tattoos, seems that while his wife, Brooke Mueller, went to rehab for an addiction to crack cocaine, the rest of the world was hinting Charlie should follow her lead and check himself in for his alcoholism. Basically, he said screw that noise, despite admitting to having a drinking problem in the past. And despite having a sober coach with him on Christmas Eve, just before roasting his chestnuts on an open, booze fueled fire and then getting arrested for going at Brooke. This denial proves once and for all the old adage that, “You can lead a ho to alcohol but you can’t make him think.”
Stripper Dita Von Teese found a way to get her ex-husband Marilyn Manson out of Evan Rachel’s Woods: Bathe in gin. Unfortunately, Evan is hotter, so the gin’ll only work if Manson drinks the whole, giant glass and he’d only do that if it wasn’t tainted by Von Teese’s huge, giant Dita. Plus, even if he did, he’d be too drunk to do anything with anyone anyway.
After last week’s thrashing about abusing alcohol by throwing vodka at her gal-pal Sam Ronson, Lindsay tried to sneak her way back into my good graces. This time, she decided to blow off a DUI hearing in Beverly Hills so she could party in London. Here’s a shot of her coming out of a London club at 4:30am, the morning of her trial. Say what you will, she looks one hell of a lot better than Pete Doherty.
In fact, Lohan didn’t have to be in court, her lawyer’s got her BAC. Her presence was optional because she’s been attending alcohol education classes, as scheduled. See that picture up there? That’s her leaving an all night cramming session.
A guy from Heroes named Adrian Pasdar (who played a guy named Nathan Petrelli) was officially charged for drunk driving after being busted for doing 90 on the freeway on January 27. Yeah, i care as little as you do, but at least it gives me an excuse to exposé Hayden Panettiere.
Click On Image For Wallpaper Size
Finally, why the song about Tattoos at the beginning? ‘Cause Hayden wins The Bar None’s irony award this week. Here’s her tattoo:
It reads: Vivere senza rimipianti.
It means: Live without regrets [in Italian].
It’s ironic: One wonders if she lives without regretting the spelling mistake. There’s an extra “i” in “rimpianti”.
As your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’m here to serve up some good advice. For example, don’t follow the example of Daniel Mahoney. Even though the 40-year-old from New Port Richey, Florida was driving with a broken front axle, police caught up with him only after he’d crashed into a fence and was sitting on his back bumper. (Hey, i’m not the one who’s gonna say the police are slow.) As the cops approached him, he said, “I’ll be honest with you. I’ve had too much to drink tonight and I hit a pole.” Tip 1: Don’t be honest with cops. They gave him a field sobriety test and then a breathalyzer (he blew around 0.16%). As they were slapping on the cuffs he told the arresting officers, “I’ve been drinking and driving for twenty years and never got caught.” Tip 2: Try not to brag how long it’s been since you last pulled a DUI.
Here’s something else you shouldn’t do when you get pulled over:
Fred Campbell, 54, is an all around great grandfather. By drinking and driving with his 2-year-old grandson on his lap, he was simultaneously teaching the tot how to drive, drink, and drive drunk. Unfortunately, the police officer who pulled him over for a broken taillight didn’t agree with me. Campbell came away with a BAC of 0.13%. He pulled a DUI and Reckless Endangerment, which’ll probably give him a year behind bars (and not the good kind), but that doesn’t count breaking parole for a murder charge. Oops. Here’s what Fred said, and you shouldn’t, when you get pulled over: “Yeah, I’ve drunk six or seven beers.” Babes, if you’re gonna lie, lie big. Also don’t say, “The cold beer there is the one I was drinking while I was driving.” If i were him, i woulda said it was the kid’s.
You know what i love about Brits? They’re always looking for good excuses to justify their binge drinking. The latest news out of the UK shows that beer is good for building strong bones and preventing osteoporosis (sounds like “Hottie, Poor Ol’ Sis”). Add this to my list of Reason Why i Drink #3: For My Health.
Some guy in a Wisconsin ski area was so drunk he decided to steal an ambulance. Could be worse, and it was. Seems the patient and the paramedics were all in the vehicle while the guy drove around the parking lot.
‘Member last time about how Julia Laack took her clothes off in front of her kids and the cops so they wouldn’t arrest her? Well, Kenneth Hook (41, Prescott Valley AZ) explored a variant on this theme. He got busted for drunk driving by a K9 officer (that’s one fast freaking dog) and told the cop he had a seizure disorder so the cop took him to a local hospital. The cop left to get some police work done (read: Search for donuts and hit on night nurse) he saw Hook running out of the ambulance entrance in only his hospital gown. Dude sprints across the parking lot, runs into a barbed wire fence and when he flips over it, his robe gets torn off. So he sprints naked across the field until the officer catches up to him and takes him down. This gives new meaning to ‘Rip Torn’.
Tell you what, it’s getting harder and harder to defend. What’s not to like? She’s young, parties hard, didn’t let rehab get to her and she’s hot. Yes, i said she’s hot. Told you i was one of the few remaining bloggers who’s got the girl’s BAC. After her latest stunt, though, it’s getting tricky to stick up for her. This time, she’s abused alcohol, and not in the good way. Seems she was at a club to see her on again / off again and then on again and then off and back on and off and on and off and on and off, faster, faster, yes yes YES! girlfriend, Samantha Ronson.
See! Sexy young bisexual alkie! What more could a guy want?
Anyway, while at the bar, Lindsay was drinking vodka straight out of the bottle and trying to get Sam’s attention. Sam wasn’t playing that tune, so Lindsay confronted her and Sam threw a “Why don’t you have another drink?” in her face. So Lindsay picked up a drink and threw that up in her face. Like i was saying, alcohol abuse. Least she coulda done is hit her with the bottle (after putting the cap back on, of course).
Back on Christmas Day last year, Charlie Sheen was busted after Brooke Mueller called 911 to say “Merry Christmas, Charlie Sheen is kicking my ass.” She blew 0.13% (at 8:30 a.m. Xmas morning) later kinda recanted but that didn’t stop the hammer from falling on Charlie. And fall it did. A judge has said that, before the trial in March, he cannot possess firearms or harass Brooke. No biggie. Get this, though: He isn’t allowed to drink alcohol! Auuugghhhhh! Talk about cruel and unusual punishment.
End of last month, Ronnie Wood felt what was like to be a teen again by picking up a few.
He got toasted and partied hard enough to justify Keith Richards’ decision to fall on the wagon. Yep, believe it or not Keith stopped drinking at about the same time. Seeing pictures of Ronnie wasted musta made the difference, especially as there are no sober pictures of Richards for him to compare against.
No real big news here. Jennifer Aniston celebrated her 41st birthday in Los Cabos, Mexico with Gerard Butler, Sheryl Crow, and Courtney Cox among others. They drank but there were no reports of any excesses. Still, gives me a good excuse to exposé Jennifer, and that’s 23 years overdue.
Courtney Cox And Some Fruity Drinks
A shout out to Miss Demeanor on this Valentine’s Day. She’s visiting a friend somewhere south and leaving me to my own devices, all three of them. The only thing i got to say is that her absence has only reinforced the certainty that i want to spend the rest of my life with her.
Several firsts in this story. Well, ok, 2 firsts. First first Lindsay caught something other than an STD. Second first, she caught a break in court. Even if she couldn’t be bothered to attend the hearing, the judge believed Lindsay was keeping up with her DUI probation from forever ago, back when this blog was being ignored on Myspace and not WordPress. Yeah, that long. Anyway, the judge set a termination date for her alcohol education class: July 15, 2010. i don’t even see why she needs this class—if anyone knows about the booze, it’s Sindsay.
There are so many mistresses now it’s like a Bill Clinton Oral Room Reunion. i can’t even be bothered to keep track anymore so the very complete list behind the link in the title for this article is the best you’re gonna do. What i will do is serve shots of the girls i left out of my Tiger Woody post. i’m tellin’ y’all, when the sand settles you’re gonna see i was right about the alcohol-Wood conneXion.
First up, Joslyn James. She’s a porn actress, so the booze tie-in should be pretty clear. Also, at 39, she’s way younger than i am but looks Dogs years older. You gotta be drunk to hit this with your wood:
Our next contestant is a model with two names. Her real name (Loredana Ferilio) and her adult modelling name, Loredana Jolie. Guess whose shots i’m delivering:
The next contestant is a chick with a mystery occupation. Looking at this shot, i’m convinced that whatever it is, it’s booze related. i give you Theresa Rogers:
Finally, if you go back to my previous Tiger Woody post (i’ll link it again here ’cause i know how lazy you get), you’ll notice i singled out the Blue Martini, a bar where Wood hung out. ‘Member how i was talking about the alcohol-Wood conneXion? Well, Julie Postle was a cocktail waitress at the very same bar.
And you thought i was bad. i may be bad, but i’d never screech like the probably drunk babe on the video TMZ has. Ok, probably never screech like that. Again, anyway. And not at Rod Stewart. Maybe Kristen Stewart…
Mary Philips, Jessica Simpson’s makeup ‘artist’ (like painting someone’s face with rouge and lipstick and eye shadow and all that other crap is as artistic as that one painting of dogs playing poker), was arrested for public drunkenness. While i was trying to figure out how the cops could tell her apart from all the other people in West Hollywood, The Simp went to the pokey to bail her friend out. You’re gonna love this: The friend was still so drunk when The Simpson got there that they wouldn’t release her! i’ve got several calls in to party with Mary. Hopefully i’ll be able to hook up with her and Michelle Rodriguez. While i’m sitting here holding my breath, i might as well throw up some shots:
Come, come. Now! You knew i wouldn’t leave you without the pissed pups playing poker painting:
Miss England lost her crown last Friday after getting a bar fight with Miss Manchester over a Gladiator. Rachel Christie (Miss England) punched out Sara Jones (Miss Manchester), got arrested and had to withdraw from the Miss World Competition. She plans to concentrate her hopes on Olympic gold, but in some ‘event’ called the ‘heptathlon’, not in boxing! We here at the Bar None would love to see Rachel Christie throw down with Mischa Barton. In bikinis. With Jello.
A man whose name sounds like a U.S. map, 51-year-old Erwin Vermont Washington, wanted to fly higher than ever. Things didn’t really take off, though, because he was taken off a plane, given a Breathalyzer and arrested before things got off the ground. The only problem was, he was the pilot. An employee tattled on him and the test, given out of view of passengers, proved his BAC was too high to fly. What was he charged with? Attempted FWI? It wasn’t his fault, if you ask me: 0.02% is the legal limit for flying while 0.08% is for driving a car. How fair is that?
Stephanie Pratt was the surreality actress who earned herself a mug shot a couple weeks ago. The real tragedy behind the arrest isn’t that she pleaded not guilty and will go to rehab instead of jail (this according to TMZ) but that she was arrested to begin with! She only blew 0.09, for chrissakes! 0.08 is the legal limit and she blew 0.01 over! Freaking 0.01%! That’s like the total percent of writer’s who don’t drink! Steph should move to Australia where this one couple got arrested for DWI three times—in three hours. (Shattering the previous record of twice in four hours, set by Talitha Gorea.) It goes like this: Just after midnight, a 37-year-old Australian guy driving with his 27-year-old girlfriend get pulled over. He was breath tested and was over the legal limit. Police didn’t arrest him but noticed his companion was drunk and told her not to drive. An hour later, police pulled her over—on the same street. Same offense. At 3:05, police stopped the couple again, on the same street, with the man behind the wheel again. He was tested again, found to be over the limit again, but refused to follow police back to HQ and was not arrested anyway! Screw it, i’m moving to Australia with Stephanie Pratt.
It was a disaster of epic proportions, perhaps even more tragic than the Vodka tsunami that prompted the Bar None’s first Stoli War (AKA ‘Vodkwā’). A tanker carrying 7,000 gallons of Canadian Club whiskey overturned faster than a whiskey shot in an Irish pub. Oh, the humanity! Roads were closed, Canadians were weeping in Clubs, drinkers were left high and dry the world over. Relief efforts included sending a crack team from the Bar None to lick up the mess, but by the time we arrived it was too late: T-totaling firemen had already hosed down the road. How can a loving god let things like this happen?
Jim Crowe’s younger brother, John Crowe was busted for stealing three bottles of champagne in a Chicago Whole Foods. He was gonna just be charged with misdemeanor (no relation to Miss Demeanor) retail theft but that was upgraded to a felony when cops sorted through his 50+ aliases and realized it was his 63rd arrest. Here’s the Mug Shot:
Busted Before He Could Celebrate
Before you go any further, a theme for the next next post:
[Press 'Play' to hear a cool, jazzy version of "I Kissed A Girl", live and unplugged]
Lohan pulled the same crap as John Crowe (above) but didn’t get arrested. She was at this club called the Crown Bar, ordered a bottle of Champagne and when the bill came, she pointed at another table and told the waitress to put it on that guy’s tab (turns out it was Twilight’s Kellan Lutz). After she finished it, she took off without paying…just like a John Crowe. Maybe she could give him lessons on how to lift champagne. Or maybe he should hang out in better clubs than
Lindsay (’cause i’m tight with her like that and call her by her first name) had a lesson to learn the day after the champagne boost. She went to a party of people less screwed up than herself (yes, it was a big party) and hung out with Courtenay Semel (her first lesbian love, the one before Samantha Ronson). Here’s a little photo of the couple in the good ol’ days. Tongues start wagging and it turns out Courtenay not only has a stupid name (i think ‘Semel’ is French for what her privates do after 3 hours in tight leather) but she also just got out of rehab! Eeek! She nagged Lindsay so much that Poorhan ran out of the party in tears. What are friends for? Not for freaking that, i’m here to tell you.
Speaking of hot, young, talented, pretty girls with no brains… Joss Stone gave an interview to Star Magazine where the head-bonger blasphemes that weed is better than alcohol! According to her, marijuana makes you laugh and alcohol makes you kick the spit out of everyone. Not True! i’ve been in tons of fights on booze and have not kicked one ass yet.
Here’s the good news:
What’s more is, i heard she can sing from her diaphragm! i’d like to see a photo of that!
One for the road, in keeping with the lesbian theme:
Joss Stone Kissing A Girl On The UK Series "Snapper"
Bar None Dregs
i just want to bend your ears for a second and share some of the love.
What do these numbers mean: 9-1-13-51-89?
They are the average numbers of page reads per day for each month since starting the Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker, last July.
Yesterday (Nov 14) was my world record day, 161 page views. Until today. There are still 3 hours left, but i’ve already broken my 200-reader cherry. My next trick is to break the cherry of 200 readers…
Point is, if you’re reading this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Tons of people are reading these pages with you, so don’t be shy. Leave your mark! Leave a comment! If nothing else, just a word to say Hi, or Thanks or Where’s The John? We’re drinkers people! If you’re a little timid, remember, this is The BAR NONE. Just have a shot and then take one.
i humbly thank you from the bottle of my bottle. i appreciate your patronizing me and if you had fun, invite a friend.