From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Ida Maria – Bad Karma
[Press 'Play' for the film's greatest hit]
Ramblings: Scream 4 Help
Final Proof: 2 shots
You know how you buy a keg of beer to drink all by yourself? Freshly tapped and you’re living large ’cause it’s super chilled and frothy and so bubbly it makes your eyes water when you try to drink it too fast but it’s hard not to want to because it’s just so damn good and fresh and tasty and new. It stays that way through the first couple hours but after that it gets a little more tepid with the passing time. It loses its crispness and loses its edge and what was a unique twang in the first few glasses is beginning to taste dull and it just gets flatter and flatter and you realize it’s not so sweet anymore and you’re gonna move on to a new brand even if there’s still some swill left in the old tired one. Sipping that kind of stale, warm, flat, leftover, buzzless beer is kinda how hard it was to swallow Scream 4.
You know me and if you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. i’m super easy to please, just look at my ex-girlfriends and speaking of horror films, when i watch one i want some original action, some loud music and some very cute actresses. Scream 4 had 1½ of these (points, not actresses) because there were a couple good tunes and shitloads of hot babes, but the action here was so tired that I couldn’t wake up.
All of the tricks that made Screams 1 and 3 so cool were here but that’s a lot of the problem because it was the same old shit and nothing new which was just like that nasty keg of stale beer. No one wants reheated beer, man.
Like they did that one thing where they talk about what they hate about horror films and yet two of the things that burn my ass more than cheap beer and all you can eat green chili tacos were here in this movie. The first thing i already talked about before but i’m gonna do it again anyway, too bad for you because it’s when the killer chases the victim all over hell shooting a bajillion bullets, any one of which would have killed the fucker like a kicked bucket, yet when the murderer is two inches from the trapped, cowering prey with the gun barrel pressed against the victim’s temple, the slayer stops and just stands there waiting for some random hero to come along and waste him.
Then the other thing is how come in horror movies it’s impossible to find a door with a peephole? Seriously, where do people find these doors with no peephole because if you look around in real life it’s damn near impossible to find a front door with out a little hole to look through to see if the person ringing the doorbell is a raving psycopathic serial killer lunatic weilding a butcher knife the size of Florida or not. Do people have to pay extra for these for doors? “Our standard door comes with a little piece of glass in it so you don’t accidentally let in a drooling madman in the middle of a killing spree who will rape your skull’s eye hole before cutting up your family into pieces smaller than Justin Beiber’s balls in a cold swimming pool. What? You prefer to have no hole so it’s like playing russian roulette every time someone knocks on your door? Well, that’ll have to be made special. Sure, whatever, it’s your thousand bucks.”
The film was full that of that kind of crap plus it was full of nothing like story, excitement, or fun. Scream 4 is like a knife that was sharp and edgy at first blood but after years of use simply becomes dull. Unlike the Scream series, i’m not gonna drag this out any longer than i have to. i’ll wrap this up by saying i kept forgetting this was a real movie and not a “Scary Movie”. Whatever, Scream 4 was neither.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 4 Shots
i’d of gone a lot higher if they had even the briefest flash of sexy. The sexy turned out being as wasted as a stripper at a toddler’s birthday party.
Fifteen babes. Count ‘em: Fifteen. This is gonna take a while so sit back and put your feet up ’cause if this takes you even a fraction of the time it took me to amass this pile of ass then you’re gonna be here a while. Look i even got some tuneage for y’all to listen to while you peruse.
The best part of the movie was the actresses, hands down (and then up again and then down again and up and down up down up down up down up down updownupfaster faster YEAH BABY!!!!!! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !) Wes Cravin’ chose barely legal babes based on their natural endowed-ments for his art and it really works for me except for the part where I felt a little scuzzy for mackin’ on girls so young.
Just let me point out here that there was even a bigger babe surplus here than in Sucker Punch and so, just like the Girls of Sucker Punch (and Girls of Nine before that), i’m gonna hafta do a Girls of Scream 4 spread. i’ll keep you ‘posted’.
The female lead was Emma Roberts (20) as Jill Roberts and i’m not gonna say too much about her because i’m still ascared of her dad, Eric. i will say she was a good enough actress for as much of a part as she had to work with. Oh yeah, i’ll also mention that i did a post on her a while back when she was jetsetting to England to get her underage UK buzz on. Oh yeah again, did you know she has the smallest belly button ever invented? Oh yeah too, she looks like this.
As your tender bartender, i’m all about the free shots, so here you go. A bonus round:
Before we get to the new blood, let’s get in with the old. Reprising (which means “doing it again” but it’s shorter to write, unless you also type an explanation), her role of Sidney Prescott is Neve Campbell (37), who’s been doing less and less and shit since she got older. Which is kinda too bad because i’ve always liked her and thought she was hot in a pretty non traditional way, which is almost just as good and sometimes even better than the traditional, missionary way of looking good. See?
Here’s her doing her thing in Scream.
Also doing Scream 4 a favor by coming back is Courtney Cox who i like so much i’m not even going to make juvenile jokes about her last name no matter how hard it is. Here’s why…
Hayden Panettiere (21) was in this bad boy, too (emphasis on “bad”, yo). i’m not gonna blame Hatin’ Panties, though, any more than i do for the short haircut they stuck on her (emphasis on “boy”).
Here she is looking much better as herself.
And the hits just keep right on rolling with the ever so lovely and ever so talented Marley Shelton (37) whose total hotness is totally hidden by her role of Deputy Judy Hicks. Here she is in all her unfettered glory.
And now begins the slew. Starting off the bevy of beautiful babes, and i don’t think i mean “babes” literally but that’s hard to tell, is Marielle Jaffe. This 21 years young lady has a speaking part and everything and she even does so well i didn’t know she’d started off as a model but i thought she was a real actress and everything.
You’re really gonna wanna check out the Girls of Scream 4 post to see where we go with her.
The first babe you’ll see all movie is Lucy Hale (21) as Sherrie, a Selena Gomez look-a-like. At least i guess that’s what the role was because Lucy looks a lot like a street legal version of Selena Gomez. Am i right or am i right?
Also performing with Lucy Hale in the first cut scene is Shenae Grimes (21) from 90210 as Trudie. Hell, you say “Grimes”, i say “Dirty”.
To wrap up the real roles (and not just the cameos) is Alison Brie (27), who plays publicist Rebecca Walters. Not only does this collage conclude the actresses with meaty parts, she also kicks off the Boob trilogy because the next three young ladies are all so large they could not appear on the screen together. A chest cold for them would be fatal. If all three of them had been on the Titanic, it would not have sunk. You get the point. Here’s the first of the boob sextuplets.
Following not close enough behind for my taste is Aimee Teegarden, aka “Teen-garden” because she clocks in at 21 (which is close enough to 19 for me), and both of her boobs. If Wes Craven deserves any credit for this movie disaster, it’s his ability to get both of Aimee Teagarden Party’s boobs on the screen at the same time—not an easy task. Look at how hard it is for me.
Here’s Aimee Teabaggin’s secret to her incredible boobets (because you can’t call them ‘ass’ets).
If i had to pick a personal favorite boob triplet, though, gun to my head it’d hafta be Brittany Robertson (who is, let me check, yep, 21, too). She’s just so damn cute. “Cute” is definitely the word and not just with a capital C but U-T-E as well. Plus she did a great job with her cameo which was so cute it almost made me want to watch some series she’s in called “Life Unexpected”. Just kidding. Anyway, here’s the CUTEy.
It’s been a Scream tradition to have some well known actresses appear to boost their cool kid cred and for Cravin’ to sell more tickets. Fortunately for us, because it gives us something other than his movie to watch, at least at the begining. Plus, even if the scene between Kristen Bell (and Anna Paquin) looked a little forced, we still got to look at Kristen Bell (and Anna Paquin Heat). Which didn’t look anything at all like this.
Kristen Bell (30)
(Anna Paquin Heat) (28)
Finally, i made a glorious mistake because i thought Heather Graham was in this movie but in fact she wasn’t. She was in a previous one (Scream 2, and please pretend you care) of these but i didn’t know that because imdb listed her as in this one with a little note “Archive Footage” after her character’s name (“Casey”, if you’re still pretending to care). So i did the work and i might was well post it if i went to all the trouble of spending hours looking up pictures of hot girls on the net. Here is the fruit of my
loins labor, Heather Graham (41 but looking hotter than those 21 year olds).
For those of you more into Shouts than Screams, here’s the Bar None Regular, David Arquette (39) passed out on the floor in the Men’s Room.
The lovely and oh so very talented Nancy O’Dell (45) graces the screen with her presence as “TV Host”. Thank you Nancy, for this bit of respite from the movie you found yourself prisoner of.
There’ll be some Drawer shots of her down below. Keep scrolling …
And don’t forget the Girls of Scream 4 coming prematurely.
Drink: ½ Shot
and i’m being super generous. These are the details as quick as i can write them. They had keg beer in plastic cups at the Stabathon (mad propz to the genius writer who came up with that shit). They also had a ridiculous drinking game to go with this along the lines of “Every time someone falls down, take a drink” or some boring shit. You want a fucking game? Here’s a game for Scream 4: Every time you fall asleep, have a drink. Only problem is you’d drink so much that you pass out.
There’s also Kirby (Hayden Pantylines with a character name as manly as her haircut and her shoulders) drinking gin and tonic. Oh yeah, Robbie (Erik Knudsen) drinks shots of whiskey from a glass flask.
That is all.
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
i gotta go here just because i’m so pissed off by the movie. There were three good songs in the movie, i already posted the first two and look, here it is the third one.
Even with 3 good tunes i’m giving this a zero because the other songs on the OST suck rocks (does the world really need a calypso song called “Run For Your Life”?—i want to cut my ears off to punish them for even hearing it) and the action was worse. The only screams you hear will be your own.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Kevin Williamson
Directed by: Wes Craven
- Emma Roberts – Jill Roberts
- Neve Campbell – Sidney Prescott
- Courteney Cox – Gale Weathers-Riley
- Hayden Panettiere – Kirby Reed
- Marley Shelton – Deputy Judy Hicks
- Marielle Jaffe – Olivia Morris
- Alison Brie – Rebecca Walters
- Lucy Hale – Sherrie
- Shenae Grimes – Trudie
- Aimee Teegarden – Jenny Randall
- Brittany Robertson – Marnie Cooper
- Kristen Bell – Chloe
- Anna Paquin – Rachel
- Heather Graham – Casey (archive footage)
- Nancy O’Dell – TV Host
- David Arquette – Dewey Riley
You wanna save 10 bucks? The best part of the movie is this post (and the Girls of Scream 4).
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Nancy O’Dell (45!) as TV Host