My fellow alcoholics, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here, addressing members of the D-Generation (that’s ‘D’rinking-Generation for those of y’all new to Degeneration). Thanks for stopping by, nice to see all you D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) here.
A little update on my personal sitch before we get to the goodies and if you don’t give a shit about the personal sitch i’d just skip right ahead to the goodies if i was you. Really, i understand, no big deal. If you remember, my latest rule to control the drinking was to drink only outside the house, which means mostly business lunches, Open Bar Friday at the office and any art gallery events. Well, so far so good. The Fridays can be a bit of a challenge sometimes but i’ve stuck to my guns most of the time and haven’t gotten totally shit faced since i started the rule. Which explains why i haven’t been talking too much about my drinking lately. Nothing is more boring than a drinker who has his drinking under control for the moment, and i get that. Sorry babes. Hopefully i’ll fall off the wagon spectacularly really soon so i can provide you with some well deserved entertainment.
So to shake things up a little bit, here’s a Top 10 Lips for y’all. And by the way, if any mentioned celebrities are reading this, if you contact me in the comments below and pay for my drinks and any transportation required: i’m not kidding, i would love to party with you. Hell, Jim Morrison needed professional drinkers to hang with and watch out for him, you could do the same for me.
Plus, here’s a bonus round, Lily Allen singing an post-appropriate song from the juiced-box: Friday Night.
Anyways, my fellow alcoholics, i proudly present to you the
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Mountain - Mississippi Queen
Ramblings: ExpendaBull Sh*t
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with gay guys? Not the girly-man tweaking twinker types. i’m talkin’ ’bout the macho, he-man buff dudes in pink jerseys with a twinkle in their eye and jeans so tight you can see each vein bulge as the ‘roid rage ramps up their loins. They sit there with their shirts off caressing their own chests, drinking warm beer out of bottles but they don’t do any of that faggy shit at the table, they just punch each other in the arm and show off their tats but then they sneak off to the men’s room to pound each other bloody in the stall furthest from the door and when it’s over they collapse on the dirty floor, their heads on the black horseshoe toilet seat and hold each other sobbing uncontrollably. That’s what The Expendables was like.
"I give up, where's the action!?"
This is supposed to be a great action movie. People are gonna come up to you in a biker bar in some backwater town and tell you how great this action movie was and they’re gonna be dead wrong. You wanna know what a great action movie was? Charlie’s Angels. Either of them. Go stream or download or whatever word you kids use for stealing nowdays a copy of either Charlie’s Angels movie and count the action scenes. Too many to count. Better yet, time how long there is between action scenes. Minutes max. Now watch The Expendables. Four action scenes. Spy Kids has more action for chrissakes.
“But wait,” these people who don’t know nearly as much about shit as i do are gonna whine, “look at the cast!” Man, most of the people in the cast weren’t even really in the movie. Schwarzenegger was in the movie for less than 3 minutes and wasn’t even on the set but was dubbed in thanks to the magic of movies and they didn’t even do a good job of that. Ditto Bruce Willis. Mickey Rourke has like two scenes. Basically the movie is Stallone and Statham, with some support from Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren. That’s the cast.
Speaking of the actors; one small shout out to my brotha of anotha motha, Mickey Rourke. i’m so sorry they made you use your mad acting skillz in this crap, man. Why did you wanna go waste a good acting cry in an action movie? Eric Roberts did a good job as the bad guy but hell, playing the bad guy is as easy as skipping out on the tab when the bartender is passed out.
So, no. This isn’t an action movie. It’s gay porn without the sex.
You know how i know this movie is gay? There’s more freaking leather in this thing than an entire San Francisco Village People reunion tour convention. You know how else i know this movie is gay? The guys are always hugging and talking about their feelings and crying all the time. There are only three girls in this move and no skin. This is When Hairy Met Salty. The Bitches of Madison Cowboy. 13 Going on 30 Inches. It isn’t an action movie, it isn’t a chick flick—it’s a Dick Flick.
"Wow, it really IS fun to stay at the YMCA."
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 0 Shots
Three girls whose total screen time was shorter than when i lost my virginity. Yeah, that quick.
Don’t get me wrong, two and half of them were cute, but ’cause this movie is all about the man-love Stallone didn’t feel it was important to make the most of these magical creatures.
Charisma Carpenter (her parents must have been cheerleaders with wood) is gorgeous as the girl that breaks Lee Christmas’s (Jason Statham) girly heart. I’d say she was a hot 40-year-old except she’s hot for any freaking age. Here’s what i’m talking about:
Click on the pic for wallpaper size
There’s more shots of her in my drawers, just scroll down to the end of the post.
The other hot girl is the lovely Mexican actress Giselle Itié (27). She’s the strongest female character in the movie, which doesn’t make her less cliché but does make her cooler than any of the guys.
Click on the Pic for a Wallpaper
There’s more shots of her rollin’ ’round in my nether drawers as well.
The half-pretty one was Lauren Jones (28). i’m not trying to be insulting with the “half-pretty” crack: i mean, i’m sure she’s a really sweet girl who would totally come up to my ugly ass in some chic bar and strike up a conversation with me just because she’s that kind of generous. The problem isn’t with her, it’s with me. i’m just not that into the whole Cali-Platstic Barbie Dolled up thing. Like she cares what i think anyway. Still, knowing that she did might make her more attractive, you never know.
[2011-04-07: Oops; her 'people' just left me a note dogging my ass that i stepped all over their copy write and i betcha if i'd of said super nice things about "Copy Write Barbie" instead of being all wittily insulting then they would've let me keep the shots up. ]
For those of you more interested in expendabulls than expendacows, you’re SOL ’cause this is late and i can’t be bothered to look for pictures of these old fucks. There are some Mickey Rourke shots here, though.
Drink: 1 Shot
Here’s my notes exactly as i wrote them:
Beer while flying a plane
JS [Jason Statham] brings ex a bottle of champagne
[Mickey Rourke to Cheyenne (Lauren Jones)] “Run upstairs and make me a 6-olive martini.”
Dexter guy [David Zayas, who plays General Garza here and Angel Batista in "Dexter"] throws a bottle out the palace window to yell at daughter
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
Two shots and they got nothing to do with the absence of any rock and roll action. i’m servin’ up 2 here because there were some pretty cool songs here, even if they were kinda old, and you gotta remember i’m old enough to remember when beer came in metal cans and not the aluminum crap they’re throwin’ at you today.
Here’s the cooler part of the soundtrack:
The Georgia Satellites – Keep Your Hands to Yourself
Creedence Clearwater Revival – Keep On Chooglin’
Mountain – Mississippi Queen
Creedence Clearwater Revival – Born on the Bayou
Thin Lizzy – The Boys Are Back in Town
In case you have a hankering for some Thin Lizzy:
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Dave Callaham & Sylvester Stallone
Directed by: Sylvester Stallone
Starring
Giselle Itié – Sandra
Charisma Carpenter – Lacy
Lauren Jones – Cheyenne
Mickey Rourke – Tool
Sylvester Stallone – Barney Ross
Jason Statham – Lee Christmas
Jet Li – Ying Yang
Dolph Lundgren – Gunner Jensen
Eric Roberts – James Munroe
David Zayas – General Garza
Bottom Line
Screw it. If you want an action movie, ditch The Expendables and join The A-Team.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: AC/DC – Highway To Hell
That’s right, babes. We got Iron Man 2 here in Yeman weeks before y’all. Go ahead and enjoy this sneak peek before next Friday. Don’t worry, i put up some spoiler alerts if you don’t wanna know before you know, you know?
Ramblings: Get The Lead Out, Iron Man!
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with some guy’s son? The dad is cool and someone you like to hang with, always lookin’ good and you have these really exciting nights so you think it’s gonna be a blast to hang out with his kid because “like father like son”, right? ‘Cept the kid is really long winded and doesn’t really drink at all so he’s kinda boring and god can he talk but he doesn’t really wanna do anything other than look through pictures of his vacation to Mesa Verde when he was 8. He looks enough like his dad but somehow the “cool” gene got lost in transmission so you just kinda sit there looking at your watch, having a good enough time but ready to leave as soon as you can for something more kick ass. That’s kinda the way it was with Iron Man 2.
So yeah, Iron Man 2 was rusty, especially after how much i liked the first one. The stuff i liked about Iron Man, the rock & roll, the cool fx, the humor… were all here but more diluted, like a watered down rum & coke that’s been sitting in the sun and the ice has pretty much melted and the coke’s gone flat but you can still savor the lingering original but more as an aftertaste than the real thing.
Robert Downey Jr rocked, that’s a given. You can’t be Robert Downey Jr and not rock. Even if he tried not to rock, he would rock at not rocking, s’what i’m saying. He carries Iron Man and Tony Stark with the same swagger he had in the first one—as a strong actor who’ll never let you down. To think he does it all sober and after so many screw-ups in his past makes me wanna get up off my ass and stand on my chair and start a slow clap.
The other actors do their jobs well. It’s always a pleasure to see Scarlett Johansson do anything, even if it’s just standing still and taking (very) deep breaths, but she plays a believable Natalie Rushman / Natasha Romanoff, proving her range and letting us know she’s not just another chesty face.
Mickey Rourke played a killer Ivan Vanko / Whiplash. Rourke has all the kick of cheap tequila from a broken bottle with salt you snorted after forgetting the lime. He’s a solid actor, he has always been a solid actor and the fact that his mug is a little cracked doesn’t make the nectar any less potent.
Oh, and i gotta take a quick minute to congratulate Garry Shandling for his role as a Senator Stern. i’ve been a fan of his for years and it was nice to see him adding a depth to this role that i’m sure wasn’t there on the paper. Next round’s on me, Gare.
Nah, the only problem i got with the casting calls was the choice of Don Cheadly as Lt. Col. James ‘Rhodey’ Rhodes. There was soma kinda divorce between Terrence Howard (the original ‘Rhodey’) and the Iron Man people, but us kids don’t want to hear about your grown-up problems. Cheadle can pull off a lot of jobs, just not action hero.
The only other kink in Iron Man’s armor is that his punch has lost its..punch, i guess. Not many kicks from his…kicks, if you follow me. Look at it this way, imagine we’re splitting the check, OK? i had five action scenes (the one in Monaco was excellent) and each one was about 10, 15 minutes max. That makes 75 minutes, with the tip. OK, the total movie was 124 minutes, which leaves us 50 minutes of not much. Who’s gonna hafta pay for that? You are.
Too much back story, too much side story, too much back and forth story… Too much not enough is what we got here. Sure, the director was nice enough to try and hide the exposition with fancy images and CGI computers and crap, but after a couple minutes you see through these and realize the story is kinda stuck again.
Basically, Iron Man 2 will be all over like a cheap Iron Man suit: polished and good looking but not always effective.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3 Shots
i’ll tell you right up front that there’s not gonna be any nudity here. There’s tons of hot girls but the closest you’ll get to any skin is the marvelous Scarlett Johansson (25) undressing down to her bra in the back of a taxi cab. Why? So she can wear her secret hero suit.
Here she is, looking super in (and out of) just about anything.
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
[AlKHallism: Pheelix has brought to my attention that the fourth pic on the left is NOT Scarlett. You're gonna have to enjoy that one a little less, i'm 'fraid.]
There’ll be more shots of her, including three in The Bar None, below in my drawers. Just scroll down, yo.
Of course there’s also the lovely Gwyneth Paltrow (37) reprising her role as Pepper Potts (at least they didn’t ask Don Cheadle to do this, too). No sex but she does kiss Tony Stark / Iron Man. Hey, it’s a passionate kiss—though it does get cut short by…Don Cheadle.
She’s hotter here than in the movie, trust me.
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
Yes, there’ll be more shots down in my drawers.
Also coming back for another round in Iron Man 2 is Leslie Bibb (35), who plays journalist Christine Everhart. Interesting (or not) factoid: In real life she’s together with Sam Rockwell, the guy who plays Justin Hammer in Iron Man 2.
Anways, here’s why she plays Everhard Everhart (oh c’mon, like you didn’t know i was gonna go there).
The first butterfly to flit across the silver screen is Olivia Munn (29) perfect for the role of Chest Chess Roberts, a TV anchor.
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
i got drawer shots of her, too, just look at the bottom of this post.
We also get to see the stunning Kate Mara (27), just for a moment, in the pants of a U.S. Marshal (i mean in the role of a marshal, babes).
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
Drawer shots of her down below, as well.
Finally, there’s Helena Mattsson (26) who plays Rebecca. Y’all might remember Helena from when i exposéed her the first time in Surrogates.
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
You gotta check out the shots of her in my drawers. i won’t let anything slip, but you’ll be glad you scrolled down to see her arrival at the Iron Man 2 premiere.
For those of you who prefer Nuts to Sockets, there’s The Man, Robert Downey Jr (45) himself (who i also threw up a couple shots of on my Sherlock Holmes post.)
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
Finally, before we get to the living legend himself, i’d like to throw up a Before (Life) / After (Life) shot of one of my heroes.
He may not be the sex symbol he was back in the day of 9½ Weeks but Mickey—you out there, Brother?—i really wanna party with you, man.
Here’s the reason why i wanna hang with Mickey Rourke (57):
Mickey Rourke In The Bar None Wallpaper
Drink: 3 Shots
i know, right? 3 shots? But guess what: There’s an Iron Man drunk scene! Swear to god. Peter Stark gets drunk at his birthday party, puts on the Iron Man suit and the fun begins. He staggers, falls down, tells the audience how he pees in the suit, swigs champagne from the bottle, tells everyone he loves them then accidentally blows his place to hell with his palm exploder light thingy.
Other than that, there’s these:
Ivan (Mickey Rourke) drinks vodka from the bottle in vodka
Champagne in the lab when Stark makes Pepper CEO [see photo up there]
In that scene, Pepper says, “I don’t know what to think,” and Stark says, “Don’t think—drink.”
Everyone drinks in a Monaco restaurant/bar
Sam Rockwell as Justin Hammer at the Monaco Grand Prix
Ivan drinks vodka at the fancy meal in Hammer’s hangar
Hammer drinks Crown Royal on the rocks
Scarlett brings Stark a vodka and mouths with all her lips in close-up, “Is that dirty enough for you?”
There was pro’lly one more reference but i can’t read my note. It looks like “Sees a bottle of chom-Rural the…”
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
[Press 'Play' for something from the juiced-box and the movie: The Clash - Should I Stay Or Should I Go]
i’d be ready to give this lots more, ’cause what rocks here rocks hard but there was just too much down time between the tracks.
The music was pretty hard as well. In addition to what i’ve posted, there’s also AC/DC’s “Shoot To Thrill”.
Tragically, the movie is dedicated to DJ AM (Adam Goldstein), who died after filming a cameo as himself as the DJ at the party Stark gets drunk at. Apparently, Downey Jr took a shining to the kid, perhaps while remembering his own difficulties in his youth. The director decided to keep the cameo in, including when Peter Stark says, “Adam, I need a phat beat.”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Justin Theroux (screenplay)
Stan Lee, Don Heck, Larry Lieber, Jack Kirby (Marvel comic book)
Directed by: Jon Favreau
Starring
Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Scarlett Johansson – Natalie Rushman / Natasha Romanoff
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Mickey Rourke – Ivan Vanko / Whiplash
Kate Mara – U.S. Marshal
Leslie Bibb – Christine Everhart
Helena Mattsson – Rebecca
Olivia Munn – Chess Roberts
Bottom Line
Babes, i already told you, Robert Downey Jr’s in it. Standing policy at The Bar None: nothing rated below 3 Shots and a guaranteed recommend to see.
My fellow alcoholics, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here, addressing members of the D-Generation (that’s ‘D’rinking-Generation for those of y’all new to Degeneration). Thanks for stopping by, nice to see all you D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) here.
You know how you get drunk with gay guys? Not the girly-man tweaking twinker types. i’m talkin’ ’bout the macho, he-man buff dudes in pink jerseys with a twinkle in their eye and jeans so tight you can see each vein bulge as the ‘roid rage ramps up their loins. They sit there with their shirts off caressing their own chests, drinking warm beer out of bottles but they don’t do any of that faggy shit at the table, they just punch each other in the arm and show off their tats but then they sneak off to the men’s room to pound each other bloody in the stall furthest from the door and when it’s over they collapse on the dirty floor, their heads on the black horseshoe toilet seat and hold each other sobbing uncontrollably. That’s what The Expendables was like.
Two shots and they got nothing to do with the absence of any rock and roll action. i’m servin’ up 2 here because there were some pretty cool songs here, even if they were kinda old, and you gotta remember i’m old enough to remember when beer came in metal cans and not the aluminum crap they’re throwin’ at you today.
