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From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Nickelback – Burn It To The Ground

Ramblings: Stood Up

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a blind date? You saw the babe’s picture first and she looked cute and you figure you may as well give her a shot because it beats drinking alone. You come to The Bar None and put a few back and have a decent time, she makes you laugh a little and while she’s not a fascinating date, you have a better time than you thought you would because you know this girl’s “type” (a little romantic and pretty middle of the road) and she turns out to be not as mundane as you’d feared. Only problem is she doesn’t get drunk, doesn’t let go and doesn’t go crazy. So while you have a pleasant time, you know you’re not going to see her again. That’s what Date Night was like.

i was super worried that Date Night was gonna end up a romantic comedy and y’all know by now how rom-coms make me ass vomit. There was really only one “romantic” moment where Claire and Phil Foster (Tina Fey / Steve Carell) are in a car analyzing their relationship and, fortunately, it passes as quickly as light beer on an empty stomach. Date Night is definitely more com than rom and is all the better for it.

A big part of the comedy, of course, was the cast. And not just the team of Tina Fey / Steve Carell. Sure, they did a solid job but they were a sure thing. The nice surprise was all the people they brought with them on Date Night. We got Mark Ruffalo and Kristen Wiig as the divorcing friends, James Franco and Mila Kunis as a couple of entry level criminals, as well as appearances by Ari Graynor and Olivia Munn. Not to mention a Mark Wahlberg who refuses to put on his shirt. Too bad Leighton Meester, who plays the baby sitter, didn’t do the same.

Like with any rendez-vous, however, there were some slow spots. One of the problems i had with Date Night is Martin Scorsese. He made this very excellent movie called After Hours with Griffin Dunne (Desperately Seeking Susan) before he was sucked into the black hole of Hollywood’s vacuumous abyss. Scorsese made this comedy about a guy stuck in New York at night and all the crap he goes through trying to escape. So yeah, kinda exactly like Date Night. But 25 years earlier. And funnier.

But i’m not gonna sit here and rag on my Date Night behind it’s back—i’m not that kinda guy. Apart from a couple (really big) WTF moments, this babe was nice enough to look at and an entertaining time. i got to laugh out loud a couple times and how often does that happen? i’m not gonna take her home and try to get her drunk, though, because this is the kind of movie you sleep to, not with. Sure, i’d be happy to introduce her to my folks but do you really want to spend a long time with someone your parents adore?

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 ½ Shots

From the juiced-box, the soundtrack, and dedicated to all these young lovelies: Teddybears & Mad Cobra – Cobrastyle

What we got here is a PG-13, which means it’s Pretty Gay if you’re over 13 because if you’re looking for sex you’re gonna be left high & dry, and more “dry” than “high”.

The closest you’ll get is a kinda long scene in a “strip” club where no one does, including Tina Fey in a hot outfit who then proceeds to do an amusing pole dance with Steve Carell. Oh yeah, plus there’s a shot of Tina adjusting her own boobs. And she says “bitch”, i love the way a woman’s lips wrap themselves around that word.

You know who freaked me out, though, in a good way? Tina Fey (40). She’s unknown in Yeman and as i’ve been here for 20+ years, i never got to see her on SNL and 30 Rock doesn’t exist in this place due to the fact that American humor translates about as well here as a drunk redneck interpreter at a Thai lady-boy convention. Point being, i discovered her in Date Night and liked what i found. She seems like the kind of intelligent, quirky babe who doesn’t know how cool she is or how good she looks so she’s always making fun of herself and never takes herself too seriously. Works for me.

Also, and you regulars pro’lly noticed this about me, what i like about a woman’s looks is what makes her look different from all other women. Like how i made a drinking game out of Rachel Adams’ beauty marks or obsess over Mélanie Laurent’s mole, i’m intrigued by Tina Fey’s scar and find it eerily attractive as it makes her uniquely her. (Creepily enough, she got it as a 5-year-old when she was playing in her front yard and a stranger walked up and cut her for no reason.)

Anyway, i think she’s sexy and i’ll take on any of y’all who say different—as long as your definition of “take on” doesn’t involve fisticuffs. Here are my arguments:

There’ll be more shots of her below, in my drawers. Just scroll down, you can’t miss ‘em.

As i said before, Leighton Meester (Gossip Girl‘s Blair Waldorf—24) plays the baby sitter. Unfortunately, this movie was called Date Night and not Bad Dad Does Naughty Babysitter After Date Night. Doesn’t mean that Leighton’s not hot, though.

i got more shots of her in my drawers, too. Just look down, all the way down. You won’t believe the collage of her and Blake Lively…

Then there was the Mila Kunis (26) cameo. You might remember her from when i exposéed her in the Booze Revooze of The Book Of Eli. She plays one half of a bad ass duo, with James Franco as her lesser half.

i got more shots of her lining my drawers. Go down…

Silken Butterflies

Making an all-too brief appearance here was Olivia Munn (29) you may remember her from my exposée in the Booze Revooze of Iron Man 2, where she was Chess Roberts) who played a Hostess at the Claw, a chic Manhattan restaurant the Fosters go to.

Another repeat offenser here in The Bar None is Ari Graynor (27), who i already introduced to y’all ’cause of Whip It where she put on the skates as Eva Destruction. Here she plays this hottie blonde in Phil Foster’s tax office. In The Bar None, she just plays a hottie.

Last but certainly not least is the charming Stacey Scowley. She was a book club member for only the briefest of moments, but i’m hoping to see a lot more of her later.

For those of you who prefer Buddies to Butties, we got Steve Carell (37):

Mark Wahlberg (38) smokin’:

James Franco (32):

Drink: 2 Shots

Some casual references but nothing serious. Here’s the blow-by-blow:

• Brad (Mark Ruffalo) has a bottle of beer while explaining to Phil (Steve Carell) that he and his wife are separating
• [Phil and Claire (Tina Fey) have] Chardonnays at the bar
• [Reference made to the fact that it's] Bad luck to toast with an empty glass
• [Phil and Clair drink] Expensive red wine at The Claw
• [Phil] Vomits after the excitement; “Is that blood?” “No, it’s Cabernet.”
• Mafia guy (Ray Liotta) has wine in bar
• Crenshaw [William Fichtner] drinks whiskey on the rocks in the strip club

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

More funny than rock and roll. There’s the Nickleback up top and then there’s this, which kicks off the movie.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Ramones – Blitzkrieg Bop

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Josh Klausner

Directed by: Shawn Levy

Starring

Bottom Line

The kind of date you might want to make at a matinée so you don’t have to spend too much on it. Either that or wait for it to come on DVD.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Tina Fey (40)

Leighton Meester (24)

Mila Kunis (26)