From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: A Perfect Circle – The Outsider
[Press 'Play' for the only song with lyrics in the whole movie]
Ramblings: Happily Ever Afterlife
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a sorority girl? She’s cute as hell and really dynamic and after you get 1 or 2 drinks in her she really cuts loose and starts dancing on the table and she doesn’t even care if you look up her skirt because she’s in the moment—a fallen angel raising hell. Sure, she’s about as deep as Barbie’s vagina but it’s OK because she hardly ever talks at all and if you wanted intelligent conversation you wouldn’t be drinking with a sorority girl in the first place—unless you are drinking with her in the first place, but you for sure wouldn’t be drinking with her to begin with because her idea of smart speak is “What do you call nailing a wasted senior? A high score!” But that’s better than good because all you need is a hardpack of reds, loud metal, and a girl with the same age and body as the whiskey. That’s what Resident Evil: Afterlife was like.
Resident Evil: Afterlife has absolutely no story whatsoever, and so what? If you want a story, go read a fucking book. RE:A is more like a video game and all the better for it because there’s action sequence after action sequence and you don’t really care what the storyline of the game is as long as you’re killing shit. Even the structure of the film is based on video gaming ’cause there are three main sections jut like levels in an RPG and when the heroes kill one Boss they move onto the next level. They even get more than one life. Total video game experience on steroids.
The whole video game analogy though is why i also had to penalize RE:A a half-shot. i’d of gone a full four but even video games are supposed to have an ending and RE:A just finishes ¼ way into the next action scene to set-up the next movie. You end up feeling like you were in the middle of a great game on your way to bagging the high score and all of a sudden the power is cut. Yeah, that kind of frustrating.
A word about the 3D. Re:A wasn’t made in 3D, it was made for 3D. Big difference. The whole selling point of this movie is to see excellent special effects (and, oh yes, they are special) with the same technology James Cameron used for Avatar. If you don’t see this thing in 3D, then all of the cool things i was talking about won’t make any sense and it’ll just look like a stupid movie with things flying at you all the time. Go 3D or don’t go, is what i’m saying.
‘Member my demands for action movies? They’re supposed to have 1) lots of action, 2) cool music, 3) babes. Like playing Space Invaders in a bar, Resident Evil: Afterlife scores on all those points. The action is cool because it’s slo-mo action like they did in 300 and i hate it when the director decides to hide his lack of talent by flashing action at you so fast you can’t see what’s happening. Not here. You get to see all the action up close and personal.
As for the chicks and the tunes, you regulars know i’ll be covering those separately right now, but you can trust me when i say, like that sorority girl after her 3rd Long Island Ice Tea, RE:A delivers.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
i’m not trying to bust your ass with this metaphor thing but the sex in Resident Evil: Afterlife is just like sex in a video game. Non-existent. i hate how games can have all kinds of crazy violence but the only kind of they let you have are scantily clad babes who get all jiggly when they move. Why is it that movies and games can both be restricted for kids under 18 and in both cases there’s tons of swearing and blood but only movies and not games are allowed to have a little skin. Fucking stupid, you ask me. Rant over.
So there were hot girls in Resident Evil: Afterlife. Like Milla Jovovich (34) who has been Alice, the central character, ever since i can remember or at least since the first Resident Evil. ‘Member that one nightmare horror scene from one of the Matrix’s when there was a gazillion Neo/Keanu Reeves fighting (and just thinking about an infinity Kanyou Grieves makes me pee in my underwear a little from the fear i still have)? They did the same here but it was with a gazillion Milla Jovoviches and that works a lot better. But don’t just take my word for it, here’s what’s giving me the entirely new kind of wet currently going on in my tighty-whities.
You think that’s hot, you should see what i got down below in my drawers. Just keep scrolling until you get to the hot—more skin here than in the movie and you can take that to the sperm bank.
It’s just so sad that the only kind of flesh they show here is rotting. The closest we get is a lot of wet t-shirt scenes, so we’ll have to learn to make dew with that.
As you can see from the above collage, Ali Larter (34) reprises the role of Clare Redfeild that she first donned in Resident Evil: Extinction. Wait, i’ve got a photo of Clare somewhere here in my wallet. Just a sec’…yep, here it is.
Despite having the photoshop caked on, she’s pretty much as super and hot and super hot and pretty as she was in Heroes. Here y’all go…
i’ll take one of those raw with nothing on it, please. Yes, more shots of her are lingering in the drawers.
Also reprising a role from Resident Evil: Extinction, we got Spencer Locke (19) coming back at us as K-mart. This charming and gifted young actress doesn’t have the juiciest of parts in RE:A which is tragic considering how talented and beautiful she is. Case is point.
Check out my drawers for more.
The next repeat offender is not from 2007′s Extinction, but 2004′s Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Her name is Sienna Guillory (35) and she’s back as Jill Valentine, but only a little bit at the end. Too bad when considering she looks like this:
How could i not offer up some single shots of her in my drawers?
Finally, we got us some 22-year-old Kacey Barnfield as Crystal. i’m not sure i remember what Crystal’s job was concerning the plot but i suspect it had something to do with running around and looking like this. And yes, before you ask, there are some hot shots of her in my drawers as well.
Which brings us to the film’s only Silken Butterfly (click on the link above to find out what the hell that means), Mika Nakashima (27). She’s a Japanese pop singer and actress and appears in RE:A as “J Pop Girl” which is pretty fitting. Here’s why…
For those of you more interested in Rez-Erections than Last Breasts, i got some Wentworth Miller (38) as Chris Renfield.
And some Boris Kodjoe (37) as Luther.
Drink: 0 Shots
Yeah, there was absolutely no drink or anything remotely resembling a thing that could even think about becoming something in the drink family in a no matter how distant past or ridiculously unforeseeable future.
Rock & Roll: 4½ Shots
We’re rubbing elbows with perfection, here. The only thing that keeps this from being 5-shot is that the incidental background music, while pretty damn cool, doesn’t contain any lyrics. Except for the track that plays during the end credits and that i posted at the beginning of the review, it’s all that background crap. Don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty decent and i’ll let y’all sample the goods right here, but it’s not real and true rock and roll, is it.
From the juiced-box and the OST: Tomandandy – Los Angeles
Like i said up top, the action here is what really delivers the rock and roll here. It’s slowed down so the viewer can really appreciate how cool it is and the 3D effects, while maybe a little too “in your face” for some, are really well done. Visually, Resident Evil: Afterlife is a blast.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Paul W.S. Anderson
Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson
Milla Jovovich – Alice
Ali Larter – Claire Redfield
Spencer Locke – K-Mart
Sienna Guillory – Jill Valentine
Kacey Barnfield – Crystal
Wentworth Miller – Chris Redfield
Boris Kodjoe – Luther
See it in a movie theater, in 3D and on the biggest fucking screen you can find.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Milla Jovovich (35)
A present for Miss Demeanor
Ali Larter (34)
Spencer Locke (19)
Sienna Guillory (35)
Kacey Barnfield (22)