Come on down (but not necessarily in that order)!
You’re the next contestant on the Price is Ripe.
Meet Seana Spreng, 40, Jill Figueroa, 36, and Alexis Hodges, 35 . These three ladies were arrested in Myrtle Beach SC on charges of prostitution during a “crack” down after complaints and what the hell were people complaining about, the service? Because it sure as hell wasn’t the price– you get to name your own.
Which brings me to the game portion of our show for you players. Take out a sharpie and draw a line on your screen to match the woman to the price she asked the undercover cop for.
i’m an asshole for writing this post. Seriously, a big fucking asshole because i support these Sorority Girls and i think what went down with these ladies (no, it wasn’t me) totally reeks to high heaven.
Let’s get the Before and After pics out of the way first.
Let this be a warning to all you blossoming young things out there everywhere. The lighting sucks in police stations so you don’t want to go getting your ass arrested because the photo will look totally like you without make up. Can i got an “Oh my god!” from y’all?
These 5 young ladies, i’ma call them the 5 Mouths (because it sounds more like a cause that way and they’re from Monmouth in a state called Illinois which is apparently not even close to Tennessee or Florida and i may have just poked my finger right smack dab in the problem right there) were out getting their buzz on because one of the things Sorority Girls like to blow off is steam. (Yeah, i can pretty much keep this up all night. Fair Warning.)
They were cruising around in an SUV with a designated driver, i’m sure, because every last girl was 21 or over except for the driver, who was 18. Anyway, i love these girl, every last one of them, so i’m sure they had a designated driver when they came across a nativity scene in a public square. “What’s a nativity scene?” you’re asking me you heathen sums a bitches? It’s one of those Baby Jesus sleeping with sheep while three guys in dresses stand next to him and watch scenes. Here, maybe this’ll help.
There you go. Now the baby girls were feeling a little Christmas joy spreading through their netherland regions because they’d been drowning their sororities in a bar before and they decided to pull the prank so hard it came to them that they should steal some of the Holy Meal Figurines and lay them on the lawn of the University President.
Remember how i said before the problem was that this happened in Illinois and not Florida (or Tennessee)? Because that’s this part right here. Some witness squealed like a Nativity Pig bringing Little Baby Jesus the bacon and told the cops that 5 babes in an SUV kidnapped the Nativity Scene and don’t even tell me you already forgot what that was. Here, it looks like this, ‘member?
The police found the girls and the SUV behind a Taco Bell which proves what upright citizens they are because girls who drink booze and eat at Taco Bell are the kinda women you want around when you need them. i respect this so much i’m not even going to spend the next 10 minutes thinking of as many Sorority Girl / Fish Taco jokes as i can like some twisted Boggle game gone horribly wrong.
Then you know what the 18-year-old designated driver does? She goes, “Can we give them back?” i mean look at her up there in the mugshots. She’s the second from the left all red eyed from bawling and shit. Like, i know, right!?
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
You know me (and if you don’t i have a Bottom Bitch position available), normally i’m all about publishing the names of these waste cases who stumble their ways into the Bar None dregs. But this time, No! i’m making a fucking stand. As your FASe (Functional Alcoholic Slurperson), i’m saying these girls were having a fun time, drinking responsibly with a designated driver and they went off on an innocent joke that didn’t hurt anyone or damage anything. You wanna bust chicks for this? Hell no, which is why i’m going to let them keep their anonymity.
I don’t know if you remember or not, but on December 12, 2011, police officers of your department arrested five young ladies on the charge of misdemeanor theft after they were caught frolicking completely clothed late one evening. They simply liberated a Baby Jesus and other Nativity Statues and temporarily relocated them to another place. No harm, no foul, right? This is merely the outdoor equivalent of a tipsy pillow fight in the dorm rooms and I don’t need to tell you how prevalent those are in the sorority system.
Chief, I think you and I can both agree that these kind of shenanigans are par for the course for ladies of this age and they seemed to have been acting responsibly in choosing a designated driver and offering to replace the displaced goods. Can we not find it in our hearts to let them off with a warning this holiday season? A little generosity would be construed as a priceless gift of freedom and I have no doubt you would feel much better yourself after this selfless act of giving. Indeed, perhaps now is the most appropriate time of all to ask ourselves, “What would Jesus do?” If you’re like me, you know the answer is things like “Judge not lest ye be judged” or “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” if you roll more New Testament style.
Let’s stand united, Chief Zeigler, arm in arm, side by side and turn the other cheek together.
Al K Hall
(Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson
You know what i think? i think y’all should write a letter of your own to get deep into the 5 Mouths cause. It doesn’t have to be long, just a couple lines saying that the powers that be in Illinois should go light on the 5. In case you missed it, the email address is: firstname.lastname@example.org
BTW, i’m not even kidding about this. i seriously cut and pasted the above note and emailed it. If any of you follow my lead, please post a copy of the text of your note in the Comments Page.
Because Sorority Girls develop into women in Universities, i thought it would be appropriate to have a pop quiz. i’ll show you a picture and ask a question and you have to answer it without peeking. The answers are at the very bottom of this post, after the Continue Reading click and the Drawer Shots.
1.Which one of these Sorority Girls most regrets her arrest?
2. Which one of these Sorority Girls is the biggest slut?
3. Which one of these Sorority Girls is the biggest alcoholic?
4. Which one of these people would Al K Hall NOT sleep with?
Again, the answers are after the jump and after the drawer shots, so click if you want to see how well you did.
Say “hello” to Mark Wach, as in “Wach ya doin’?” Which he would answer by sayin’,
“Gettin’ drunk and shootin’ the shit.”
“‘Shootin’ the shit’, Mark?”
“Yeah, you know, shootin’ the yard…the lawnmower… The shit.”
They grow ‘em a special kind of weird in Florida.
Mark was all drunk and shooting his lawnmower with a .380 pistol, which looks something like this for those of you who don’t live in the United States and get them free in your cereal boxes. The police come over because apparently shooting your lawnmower is illegal in Florida, and didn’t they make a CSI Episode about that with Horatio on one knee, tearing his sunglasses away from his face while saying, “It’s what Redneck people do.”
Because that’s the new slogan and exactly what “Off The” Mark said when the cops were throwing his ass in the cruiser. First, he said he shot his yard all the time (and if it was dead, this would explain why he could feel safe to shoot the lawnmower) and when the cops got on his case for whuppin’ on his 18 year old son, Wach-o retorted,
Fighting’s what Redneck people do.
So next time someone doesn’t like what you’re doing and is demanding an explanation why you’re doing it, just tell them, “This is what redneck people do.”
OK, you know me (and if you don’t, it’s what redneck people do), i fucking live and breathe for this kind of news story because i can get all up inside it with the funny humor and the all day looking for photos to accompany it. What can i say, it’s what redneck people do.
So sit back and make yourself comfortable because i got fucking redneck epic for your asses.
Dregs, dregs, everywhere and not a drop to drink. We got a drunken 3-way that went down (literally) to a drunken 2-way that finished in a 1-way street straight to jail. We got them Wisconsin dregs which are so liquor sodden they may never get off the bottom. We got us co-ed buck naked drunk drivers of all sexes in two continents dregs. We got near beer for bitches and other dogs as well dregs plus more drunken celebrities than you can shake your stick at.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to this week’s miscreants…from Katy Perry’s lips to your ears: Katy Perry – Last Friday Night.
[Press 'Play' for a song that goes, "Last Friday night / Yeah I think we broke the law / Always say we're gonna stop /Whoa-oh-oah." In fact, this song is so entirely about going out and getting shit faced that i've included allthe lyrics down in the Bar None Dregs at the bottom.]
What were you doing when you were 22? If you were anything like me and you were a guy, you were touching yourself while fantasizing about a 3-way sex romp with two girls. This Jorge Daniel Silva kid had it all in the palm of his hand and i don’t mean his frothing protein stick because he had two probably really hot girls (and even if they weren’t, who cares!? THEY WERE 2 GIRLS AND THEY WERE MAKING OUT IN FRONT OF HIM) making out in front of him and they wanted him to join in. So what does this drunken bastitch do?
Warning: When i tell you, you may well never want to drink again, so keep reading only if you want to be dry for the rest of your life because this guy was so drunk HE GOT JEALOUS. His wife was one of the willing participants in this hole affair, after he talked her into it, but when she kissed the other babe he got so jealous he started beating on his wife. The babes ran into another room but Hi Ho’ Silva thought they ladies were gettin’ down to business in there so he kicked down the door, punched his wife some more and when the other woman tried to stop him, he wailed on her, too.
The funny thing is, when he sobers up, he’s going to be beating himself up worse than he ever did the ladies.
Bar None's Artist's Hallucination of Hole Affair
October 27: Blame It On Ohio This woman, Erin Holdsworth, had everything going for her. Thin, drunk and under 30 with a penchant for driving naked… what could go wrong? Quite a lot when you want to do all this at the same time.
i blame it all on the state that’s so boring even its name sounds like a yawn and i don’t mean the State of Inebriation but sometimes a daytrip there is the only ticket out of the ennui known as Ohio. Which would certainly explain why Barin’ Erin went barrelin’ past the cops at 110 mph and on her way to naked. The mandatory car chase ensued reaching speeds of up to 128 mph but not topping them because Erin had no topping. When she finally pulled over, she got out of her car wearing plastic wrap or some shit. Then she was all calm getting in the cop car, but once inside she freaked probably because she couldn’t find a pole and realized she’d been tricked and was not in a strip club but on her way to the pokey.
Speaking of pokies, there are some drawer shots of naked drivers “down there”. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.
October 30: Stick Shifting Not to be outdone or overdressed, some guy decided to export the sport of Nastycar racing to Moscow on a Sunday, for he too got super naked and bare ass drunk.
Here’s what’s kind of amazing. He was drunk driving, almost rammed a school bus full of children (which oughta teach those pesky Russkies not to send their children to school on Sundays), and connected with 17 cars, injuring several people but still the police had to chase him “across a large part of the capital”. The fuck!? Did the 17 cars not slow him down at all? i’m thinking the guy should get some kind of drunk driving medal of dishonor because 4 of the 17 cars were police cruisers.
Bar None Artist's Hallucination
November 8: Doggie Style BeerWhen is a beer not a beer? When it’s made with neither hops nor carbonation, has no alcohol and comes in two flavors: beef and chicken. Is this still a beer? i’m not convinced but Bowser Beer seems to think it is, because he’s marketing this sweet malt barley beverage as beer for dogs.
i dunno. The hops, alcohol and carbonation in beer is bad for the fairer pet and if you can’t use this to get a bitch drunk and screw the pooch, then it’s not beer in my book. Tell you what, i’ll rethink this when i walk into a bar and the tender asks if i want my brew chicken or beef flavored.
You ask me and i’ma tell you even if you don’t, Chick Beer is real beer and is marketed for babes who aren’t dogs.
In Dog Beers, I've only had one.
Speaking of babes who aren’t dogs, there’s some drawer shots of this mess down there, too.
The 50 drunkest States in the US are… Not really, the 16 drunkest States are at the other end of that link above if you wanna go there, but i can tell you right now that the #1 Drunkest State in the US is Wisconsin. Just in case you’re having troubles picturing that, here’s what it looks like.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Avril Lavigne in the Bar None - Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
If you’re going to whup one ass this year, let it be as fine as Avril Lavigne’s who got hers kicked outside a bar in the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. But people, come on! If you’re kicking ass then kick the ass—not the face! When it comes to asses, my motto has always been “Make love, not war.”
You know who got the worst of it though? The boyfriend, of course. You know me (and if you don’t then i’ve got just the thing to fill that empty hole), i don’t understand a lot about many things but what i’ve gotten out of this is that Avril got drunk and started talking shit with some other chicks and that got physical so her boyfriend was all like “Stop” so they dragged his ass into it and the boyfriends of the other chicks jumped in and jumped them and hit Brody Jenner (Avril’s penile implant).
Which, come one now, is totally understandable. Seriously, the price you pay to tap someone like Avril Lavigne’s ass is getting yours dragged into the shit and kicked twice yearly. Totally worth it, am i right?
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You will not believe the drawer shots i got going on down there of this mess.
i’m here to help y’all’s assess out with a piece… of advice. Which is, if you ever get pulled over for drunk driving, especially if you blow 0.19% in a state where the legal limit is 0.08%, which is all of them, then you should become a rich child star as fast as possible.
Like Ryan Rottman who is a star on Nickelodeon (did you know that isn’t an oxymoron?) who fucked all kinds of up but had the DUI knocked down to some baby reckless driving charge, which means no jail and a baby fine of $390. Maybe the judge felt sorry for him because he had to party with Zac Efron and Rumer Willis. Judge pro’lly figured thel poor kid had to be drunk to survive shit like that.
Just to point out that Saint Pauly posted another one of those weird ass reviews over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). This time it’s about The Hangover.
Lyrics to “Last Friday Night”
There’s a stranger in my bed, There’s a pounding my head Glitter all over the room Pink flamingos in the pool I smell like a minibar DJ’s passed out in the yard Barbie’s on the barbeque There’s a hickie or a bruise Pictures of last night Ended up online I’m screwed Oh well It’s a black top blur But I’m pretty sure it ruled Last Friday night Yeah we danced on tabletops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credit cards And got kicked out of the bar So we hit the boulevard Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping in the dark Then had a menage a trois Last Friday night Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop-op Whoa-oh-oah This Friday night Do it all again This Friday night Do it all again Trying to connect the dots Don’t know what to tell my boss Think the city towed my car Chandelier is on the floor With my favorite party dress Warrants out for my arrest Think I need a ginger ale That was such an epic fail Pictures of last night Ended up online I’m screwed Oh well It’s a blacked out blur But I’m pretty sure it ruled Damn Last Friday night Yeah we danced on table tops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credits card And got kicked out of the bars So we hit the boulevards Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping int he dark Then had a menage a trois Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop-op Oh whoa oh This Friday night Do it all again Do it all again This Friday night Do it all again Do it all again This Friday night T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. Last Friday night Yeah we danced on table tops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credit cards And got kicked out of the bar So we hit the boulevard Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping in the dark Then had a menage a trois Last Friday night Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop Oh-whoa-oh This Friday night Do it all again
From the juiced-box and Mel Gibson’s heart: Evanescence – Forgive Me
[Press 'Play' to hear Amy Lee make the same demands as Mel Gibson, only better]
You know me (and if you don’t there’s a cure for that), i’m all about the RDJr. A talented actor who hit the kind of bottoms that kill most people, he went into recovery and came back shining like a beacon to souls lost at sea, without losing any of the edge that makes him one of the best actors of his generation. A person who can serve as an example in both their personal and professional lives is like a Gucci life saver: priceless and feels good to have around you.
This Guy's Ready For Anything
The short version of this is that if Downey asked me to chew off my own balls with Amy Winehouse’s rotting teeth, i’d ask if he wanted me to start with the right or the left love bulb.
Which makes it very tough and more than a little hypocritical of me to say i won’t forgive Mel Gibson.
Especially hypocritical because in my Al K Hall Anonymous blog i’m all about the compassion: self compassion, compassion for others, a round of compassion on me for everyone all the way around.
Why am i holding out on some compassion for Mel, you so rightly ask?
Is it because he’s displayed anti-Semitic behavior more than once, and my children are Jewish? Is it because he’s beaten his wife, driven drunk, and demonstrated prejudice towards black people? What about threatening to burn down his children’s home while they slept inside it?
No. i, myself, know too well the gut shot burn of shame inflicted by going off half cocked. i have executed far too many wrongs to say someone else isn’t right, committed too many sins to be holier than thou, behaved far too criminally against others to judge anyone.
No. The thing i can’t look past is his future.
i don’t see him taking any steps to ensure these errors don’t happen again. i hit some ugly bottoms myself and i continue to make mistakes in my sobriety, but i’m in recovery and actively working a 12-step program daily. Mel Gibson goes to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings drunk.
What i need to see from Mel Gibson is less contrition and more contribution. More action and less acting.
i’ll honor Robert Downey Jr’s request and forgive Mel Gibson when Mel Gibson starts acting more like Robert Downey Jr.
Until then, i forgive Robert Downey Jr for asking me to forgive Mel Gibson.
Yesterday’s blogs overflowethed so hard that i had no choice but to split it up into bitty bite sized shots. So after yesterday’s Commoner Dregs, i’m proud and a little embarrassed to present this week’s
You know who’s cool? Of course you don’t, that’s why you come here so i can tell you and i’m telling you right now that it’s Denzel Washington. He’s cool because he went to a bar with some of his peeps and he didn’t drink a drop. Still, out to give t-totalers a good name, he spent 5 grand buying his peeps shit like
5 bottles of Ciroc vodka
5 bottles of Don Julio
5 bottles of Moët Rosé
Plus, you know where he got all that change to be so generous? That’s the prize money you end up with when you’re sober, Barmaids and Beerhounds.
On the other hand, the only thing P Diddy is making a good impression on is his fake leather bean bag chair. The official alcoholic for Ciroc vodka got pissed when some guy named Kevin Burns burned his butt for drinking Grey Goose, which is who pays Kevin Burns to get drunk anyway. Things got so tense at the BET Awards that another person called “T. I.” (“What would you like to name your son Mr & Mrs I?” “Uhm…T. Yeah, that’s it: T.”) had to separate them.
Sara Leal is heartbroken. If only she’d known Ashton was married! C’mon, it’s not like it was common knowledge or anything. If she’d ever learned how to read at a sufficient level for People, she wouldn’t have to go around getting all this money for talking about her slutty self. Or maybe she’s a drunken party slut fame whore. Who’s drunk.
She can find comfort in the knowledge that she won’t have to go through her tabloid pregnancy alone, though.
You already knew Shia Leboeuf was an alcoholic like me because i already told you that shit right here, except he’s not totally like me because he doesn’t own it like i do. Also he’s not like me because i was never the kind of angry ass drunk he is ’cause he was in a bar and got thrown out for getting rowdy in someone’s face. Then outside, he got in a fight if “getting in a fight” means that someone who hasn’t shaved his beer belly knocks you to the ground and repeatedly punches you in your face.
You know how else i know Shia has problems? The dude he got beat up by is Canadian.
Apparently Michael Lohan got out of jail last week or something and i think it’d save everyone a lot of time and paperwork and mugshot film if they just kept him locked up because that’s where he wants to be anyway. Why else would the first thing he does when he gets out of jail be to call the woman he beat up to get into jail the first time?
He was apparently drunk dialing her so the cops though he was a threat and rolled up to his place so he did the drunk thing and jumped off a third floor balcony. Then he tried to hide in a bunch of trees.
In the year 2525, there’s going to be the reunion film of Hannah Montana, and that’s not a threat that’s a promise.
In one scene, Oliver Oken (Mitchel Musso) is going to be lying in bed with Hannah’s brother, Jackson, inserting vodka bottles into places that can’t swallow. Then Oliver / Mitchel’s gonna break down in tears and sob about how one night when he was driving home, traffic cops smelled booze on his breath and had him do a field sobriety test, which he bombed as bad he he already was. Then he was stupider than Redneck Furry Todd in yesterday’s Dregs because he accepted the breathalyzer which showed he was well over 0.08%. Plus, he was underage because he was only 20.
“It’s behind you now,” Jackson says, caressing Mitchel’s behind now.
“Yes,” Mitchel answers, continuing to cry, “that’s the problem! I was hoping to go to prison and get broken in right as some big mother’s bottom bitch.”
The real tragedy is, that’s a true story. At least the DUI part.
The good news is that in 2006-2007 Musso had the good sense to choose co-star Emily Osment as his beard so i’m allowed to do an exposé of her and not him.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
i got some Emily shots stuffed in my drawers. All you gotta do to see ‘em is scroll all the way down.
i’ve been talking enough today. Let’s get it straight from the horse’s…young lady’s mouth.
Every time I run into her [Miranda Lambert], usually I’m intoxicated and I’m slurring, ‘We need to sing a song!’ at her. She says she wants to do it, but every time she has an album coming out, I do too, so we’re both too busy. Or she’s sidestepping me.
Kelly, if she’s avoiding you, you can always come to the Bar None and hang out with us. This is what that would look like.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
There are some Kelly Clarkson shots filling my drawers down there.
As soon as i start climbing out, they start piling more dregs on top of me. Included in these dregs i’m trying to sift through are naked drunk drivers, a Brit stuck in a toilet seat, a Limey who ran himself over, a female ball biter, the Pabst Blue Ribbon Belly, the hypocritical politician (OK, the drunken hypocritical politician–OK, the arrested drunken hypocritical politician), the guy who missed the girl on girl action at Oktoberfest and should’ve come here instead of what he did and way more than a human being could ever shake their limp stick at. Fuck it and drink to it.
From the juiced-box and someone else who will drink to that: Rihanna – Cheers (Drink To That)
i kicked off this post with some belated Oktoberfest festivities in honor of Daniel Ford Artley. You know how i know this guy’s a loser? He called the Snowbird Ski Lodge and told them a Pakistani colleague who didn’t like Americans had planted a bomb there and it was set to go off in 15 minutes. Authorities evacuated the Oktoberfest celebration and there was no bomb but at least Danny Boy was idiot enough to call from his own house so his home number showed up on caller ID when he made the threat.
He told arresting officers that he made the call because a friend of his had gone to the Oktoberfest party and Fartley thought the threat might mean the friend would have to come home early and they could hang out.
In the intro i posted the pretty side of Oktoberfest, but Daniel missed out on more than just drunken hot girls kissing each other all the time. He also missed out on this, the ugly side of Oktoberfest.
i wanna eat at Luigi’s in Farmington, Michigan. Apparently Luigi’s is called a family restaurant because the food is so good it makes people want to start a family. Or maybe sleep with people from their family, i’m not sure, because Tim Adams who’s only like 54 was pulled naked from a Buick Regal that was all steamed up and rockin’ because he was rocking it with Rita Daniels, 71. The Regal was in Luigi’s parking lot, near the front door and i’m so jealous, not because John can leave a grandma with that kind of sweaty glow, but because he was charged with indecent exposure (sure) but also disorderly intoxication and in my 30 years of drinking, i was never accused of that. OK, legally.
For those of you out there who still believe women are interested in you for more than your liquor or your money, check this out. The Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer heir (yes, the King of the whole Trailer Park) has a beer belly but his girlfriend has 6-pack abs.
You’ve been tired, sure, but have you ever been “tired“? Next time you wake up from a nap still feeling a little run down, check your back for tire tracks because maybe you were. Like maybe you were so drunk driving that you ran yourself over. What, it could happen.
It did in England, to Andrew Haimes (47). He was found by police sleeping under his car after he got drunk and got out of the van, left it in gear, passed out in front of it, and it ran him over. First off, Haimless, thanks for making everyone in the Bar None look like rocket scientists. Second, no offense, brother, but if the van rolled over your balls and popped them like grapes then you wouldn’t be able to pass your dirty, old genes onto future drinkers. Just sayin’.
Curry Todd is the name of a chicken, but not a chicken meal. This official Tennessee redneck is the one who fought for your right to take your gun into a bar. Left on his own he probably would have also advocated tuna dinners in the home for blind lesbians and porcupine pocket pets, but he was stopped on his way to the top for drunk driving.
Dude was pulled over late at night and failed a road sobriety test with the honorable mention from the cops that Todd was “almost falling down at times”. Todd refused a breathalyzer, which was probably his only good idea of the night because the cops also said Curry was “obviously very impaired and not in any condition to be carrying a loaded handgun.”
Because, oh, yeah, he wasn’t the only thing loaded. There was 38 tucked between the seat and the console.
Speaking of good ideas, here’s something up Curry’s alley.
If your drinking game doesn’t end with someone stuck in a toilet seat, you’re playing it wrong. Or you’re not English.
This 26 year old bloke from Tudhoe (which is just code for “Turdhole”) was with friends playing “Can You Fit This Over Your Head?” i’m sure the first thing they tried was his buddy’s ass but because they’re English that would not have been a problem to slip on and off, so the next thing they tried was a toilet seat. This, being narrower than an English man’s ass, got stuck on the guy’s body and after 2 hours of writhing (where he probably didn’t get much drinking done) he waddled to the fire department where they had to cut the seat off of him. i’m sure he was flushed.
We Got a Safer Toilet Drinking Game in the Bar None
Here’s what happens when tea bags go horribly, horribly wrong.
In a drunken brawl, Maria Georgina Topp took her boyfriend’s nutsack in her mouth, bit down and ripped that bag of tender jewels clean off. This may very well be the only time you hear me say that spitting is preferable to swallowing because the guy was able to get his balls sewed back on with 19 stitches. Topp says she was too drunk to say she remembered what happened but her attorney’s are saying the man was on Topp, straddling her when the incident occurred. Hurl Grey, anyone?
Bar None's Artist Hallucination of What That Looked Like
Bitch is just lucky her boyfriend wasn’t Wesley Warren Jr. This poor bastich has two big problems and by “big” i mean 50 pounds each. Wes has scrotal elephantiasis so he has 100-pound balls. i’d like to see Maria Georgina Topp try to gnaw those things off. Hell, ol’ Wes’d probably thank her and give her a tip.
Bar None Dregs
Kicking things off here, i wanna thank John D from Crawley for become a subscribing patronizer of the Bar None. God Bless You and Give You Money, John, and may your time here be well wasted.
If you, too, would like to see your name up in lights, or like this, alls you gotta do is click on the “subscribe” button at the top of the column over there.
While i’m throwing up the thanks, i’d like to give a shout out to Bukowski’s Basement, Andrea, Ingar, Raquel, and, as usual, The Rod for “Liking” The Bar None. What’s a good bar without a handful of regulars?
And just because they were there first, they got to see tons of fun stuff, like my new bad habit, Drunk & Demotivated. Exclusive to the Bar None. And here. And a lot of other places maybe.
Lest we forget. As raunchy as i get here, i do have a softer side to my recovery (y’all do remember i haven’t had a drop to drink since January 2011, right?). If you’re interested in my journey through recovery with more friends and more support and fewer boobs, check out Al K Hall-ic Anonymous.
To tie this one off for the night, i’m going to post the Celeb Dregs pro’lly tomorrow or the day after. Will you be here?
Dear god hurry up and help me the dregs are rising faster than i can write. Like asthma inhaler robbers, a chick dwarf tossing her 4-year-old, baby shoplifters, grandma and the scarecrow, fake boobs, real boobs (and real breasts too), the hits, the runs, the drips, the errors, the tunes and all the dregs you can handle plus a lot more.
From the Juiced-box and dedicated to the dregs sinking lower and lower this week: Kottonmouth Kings presents Johnny Richter – At It Again
[Please press 'Play' for the only rap song that goes, "No, you can't stop this, it's already started / You can't pull the smell back after somebody farted."]
Benjamin Sims & Danielle Howey (the woman is on the right)
If you’re gonna try out something smart, don’t do it in Indiana, they just may put you in jail for it. Case in point, Danielle Howey (26) and Benjamin Sims (27) went to a Southbend Meijer’s with a 2-year-old they were babysitting. What can you do with a 2-year-old? Nothing right? Try thinking outside the box of wine, like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer. They turned a boring shopping trip into an educational experience by using the baby’s covers as cover for the 10 bottles of alcohol they were shoplifting. How do you want to bust a couple who are trying to teach a kid about aiding and a-bedding?
Nikki Settle decided the third time was the charm after her first two attempts to drive drunk ended in failure, or at least arrests. And successful she was, if your definition of success includes swerving back and forth between lanes on the highway before crashing into one of those wire fence things that separates lanes on the highway.
She grabbed her 4-year-old from the car and carried him across the oncoming traffic to a 10-foot roadside fence. To make her escape, she tried to hurl the little boy over the top. Repeatedly. Because she could not chuck him up high enough.
Eventually, some of the audience decided to intervene and convince her to step away from the child and wait for the cops to help her get help going to jail.
Imagine you’re a cop somewhere like Chesterton, Indiana, and you get a call about a drunk driver on a golf cart so you investigate and at a convenience store you see a grandma in the parking lot with a golf cart, a scarecrow and a fifth of Canadian Mist.
Drunken Russian fisherman (which is like saying “cat pussy kitten” or “gay cocksucking Bieber”) got the surprise catch of their lives when they were trawling in a sea with no vowels and the biggest fish ever surfaced right in front of them. The huge whale tried to signal them away, but they weren’t drunk enough to fall for that old trick and they barreled straight ahead and rammed it. Turns out Moby Dick was full of seamen because it was a Russian nuclear sub. Those lucky fishermen may never have to fish again.
And you thought your life was boring. Man you ain’t never lived in Pennsylvania. For fun in Pennsylvania, they go to the bar and they don’t cow tip but they bear tip by pushing 800 pound stuffed bears over balcony railings and then high tailing it. Unbearable? Not as bad as coming back after the place has closed to steal the stuffed animal. i couldn’t bear the weighty responsibility but apparently drunker souls than i could.
PS The owner said the taxidermy cost him 10 grand, so it looks like he’d already been ripped off before the grizzly heist.
Here’s an idea that’s got “wrong” written all over it so badly it’s like a drunk trying to tattoo himself with a sharpie.
This woman wants to sell her house but no one is showing much interest. So she decides to offer a $1000 tab at the bar across the street.
Here’s why that idea sucks more than a sorority girl doing a keg stand. The only new interest she’s going to get is from drunk people to stupid to realize they are spending $450,000 to get a free $1,000 and is someone that fucked up really the person you want to be in debt to you for half a million dollars?
Hell, it’s even a bad deal for the dumb ass, bar stool sample alkie because he’s going to get so fucked up at the bar he lives across the street from that he’ll never be able to drink there again.
Next time someone tells you drinks are on the house, make sure it’s someone else’s house.
They decide to steal beer because they’re underage
So Hooey and Dooey go into the store while Loony stays behind as wheel-boy. Dooey grabs a 30-pack (go big or go home, boys) and makes a break for it with Dooey, who is nabbed by employees in the parking lot. Loony drives off, abandoning Hooey. The cops come and pursue him on foot.
Here’s where his going gets good. He runs through a car wash and when he comes out the exit with his mind the only thing left dirty, the cops are there waiting for him.
The only thing even near as funny are Larry, Moe and Curly’s mug shots. Careful boys, if you make faces like that they may stay that way.
Robert Will (and so would you if you had half a chance) showed up at Court on drunk driving charges drunk. He stunk of alcohol so Court officials gave him a portable breathalyzer, which he bombed, so Will’s mouthpiece said Robert won’t be tried until he’s sober. The judge agreed.
i’m thinking all Will will do is stay drunk so he can never be guilty. Innocent until proven sober, babes.
This cracker named Graham robbed two guys who’d just bought a case of Budweiser by holding up the peeps at little silver gun point. He ran away with the case, dropping cans in his escape, so when the cops showed up, they just had to follow the trail of beer to find Ashton Graham who did not have a super duper spy gun after all, but had threatened the dudes with his asthma puffer. Yes, he held them at inhaler point.
Then, in the police car, he stuck his head through the cruiser window. Will he be released any time soon? Don’t hold your breath.
Don’t you hate it when you’re hanging out on the side of the road, sipping your brewsky, unwinding and stuff and the police pull up and ask you where your parents are because you’re underage to be drinking? Yeah, that sucks almost as much as pointing to the car next to you because that’s where your mother is, in the back seat of that car, under your best friend.
The next time you ask your mom, “Can my friend come?” make sure she knows what you mean.
Look, i honestly don’t know what a Heidi Montag is or what her overall purpose is in the grand scheme of things. The only reason i picked this up is because these shots of her drunk at her birthday party in Las Vegas remind me of the photographs at the end of The Hangover. It’s not everyday you see a picture of a doll this inflated.
‘Cause you know i’m gonna go there again, and y’all know that by ‘there’, i mean ‘boobs’ because i’ve still had it up to here with fake boobs. You know who’s cool? Heather Morris, who i already told you was cool right here. Heather is the young lady from Glee (the cheerleader – the hot one – OK, the lesbian hot one – OK, the Bi hot one who’s blonde). She had a boob job and then you know what she did, clever little young lady that she is? She had a boob job, and then had them removed! Go Sister, Go Sister, mnanmananan Soul Sister!
Here’s a collage as inflated as Montag’s ego:
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
And i also have some shots swelling in my drawers…just keep strolling down til you hit them.
Member all of these fucking losers i talk about nonstop in the commoner dregs? You know how i know they’re losers? ‘Cause they actually did the time for the crimes they committed.
The real weiners are famous, good looking, rich people like Ryan Gosling. In 2005, this hot dog (he sticks his sausage in buns) was arrested for “driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs” and “driving with a blood alcohol content of 0.08 or greater”, which was plea bargained down to “excessive speeding” which is why no one, not even you, knew he got busted for drink driving until now because i just told you. Man, i bet all those saps in the commoner dregs wish they could be tried under Rich & Famous law. Still, someone’s gotta fill the prisons.
But i’m all about the justice, so here’s a taste of it for the little guy.
Ryan Gosling Mug Shot
i stuck a collage of him down in my drawers because i’m all about the equal opportunity exploitation.
Apparently cult leader and murderer Jim Jones is not dead but instead is now black and a rapper. Plus a really good fucking friend. Seriously, with friends like him, who needs better friends?
[From the juiced-box: Jim Jones and Jha Jha - What You Been Drankin On?]
He had a buddy who turned 32 so they went to some club and Jim was jonesing for some booze so he ordered a bottle of champagne at around 600 bucks a pop for each year of his pal’s years. 32 bottles of Moet Nectar Rose came to $20,000. Then you know what he left for a tip? 2 more grand. That right there is more of a gentleman than Lindsay will ever be. Seriously, man, Respect.
Not to be outdone by some stupid (commie’s words, not mine, brosky) American rapper, the son of a Russian billionaire dropped $112,550 on booze at a restaurant, and just like Jim Jones, most of it was for someone else and in this case i get it because it was on Heather Graham, who i personally would drop anything on that she’d let me, including the 100,000 bucks i don’t even have because i would go that deep into debt for her.
The other cool thing is what the Rusky bought because it was a Nebuchadnezzar which you don’t even know what it is so stop playin’. It’s 15 liters of booze in one bottle (that’s more than seven 2-liter bottles of Pepsi, for you in the trailers) but in this case it’s Armand de Brignac Champagne, AKA “Ace of Spades”.
You know who else was there? Zac Efron. You know what Zac Enron almost dropped? The fucking bottle. Here’s what TMZ has to say about that shit.
Sources inside Board Room nightclub in Chicago tell TMZ … Zac attempted to lift the full 15 litre bottle on Tuesday night. We’re told Zac learned the hard way it was too heavy for him — but managed to hold on just long enough to avert the ultimate disaster.
But back to Heather Graham, because she’s so worth it.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
There’s tons more Heather hanging out in my drawers down below. Scroll until you hit pay dirt.
Elle Macpherson proved once again how super of a model she truly is by getting trashed in London in a bar that wants to steal the name The Bar None because it’s called C London. As in, “i C London, i C France, i see Elle’s underpants,” and a lot more.
Did you guys know Demi Moore had an alcohol soaked past? How come you didn’t tell me? i had to find out when this one chick web site said Demi fell back into the bottle because Ashton started playing with other chicks’ Kutchers.
Here’s a taste of that.
Demi More in the Bar None
Bar None Dregs
First up, a big welcome to this twisted hottie called Alchemy of Mind who is our latest subscriber and regular in the Bar None. Put your feet up, babe, and what’s your poison? If any else out there wants to have their name read by 3000 plus people a day, all you gotta do is subscribe over there at the top right.
And guess what!? i have another friend way closer than you! (The Rod excepted because he already proved his friendship in ways i wouldn’t care to mention.) Raquel has joined those who “Like” The Bar None’s Facebook Page! Bringing the grand total to 3. Hey, what can i tell you, it’s an elite place.
The Dregs have risen again and i know because they’re floating all around me. They’re floating in Ukrainian beer baths, sticking to James Bond drinking gadgets, spewing out of glove compartments, hanging out dead in strip clubs, drinking to not drinking, pulling out their own teeth and so much more other shit you won’t believe unless you read on.
Dedicated To Katherine Goldberg: Billy Joel – Captain Jack (Live)
[Press 'Play' for Captain Jack to get you high tonight...]
They got more in the Ukraine than just a population of hot women who look like jailbait and can drink you under the table before marrying you for your papers so they can detour the whole white slavery route in order to escape to a country whose major industry isn’t sexual tourism. However, in case you don’t know what that looks like, here’s a wallpaper i made simply by Googling “Young Ukranian Brides”. So all of these women in this picture are available to the highest bidder.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Like i said, though, they got more than this because they also got baths. And before you go getting all smarmy and making all kinds of racist jokes, yes, i’m positive they have baths. They even go so far as to have beer baths because the oats and bubbles are supposed to rejuvenate the skin and the yeast is supposed to infect you with energy. Shit, if taking a bath in beer is that beneficial, imagine what would happen if you ingested it orally.
There’s some single shots of Ukrainian babes and the Ukrainian Babe President filling my drawers down below.
From Russia With Drugs (OK, the Ukraine) comes The Spy Who Drunk Me. For Your Ice Only this is a License to Swill. This here’s a breathalyzer jacket so that if You Only Drink Twice from a Bottle of Solace, sipping some of that Vodkapussy, that you live to Rye Another Day and not Gin and Let Die.
What else do i got for The Man with the Golden Rum? The perfect accessory for the breathalyzer tux: Bottle Opener Cuff Links.
Here’s a good idea for a movie that i just had. Let’s say there’s this one guy who’s poor so he has to crash at his buddy’s house ’til he gets on his feet but comes home to find the nice buddy will never get on his feet either because he’s now dead. With me so far? Ok, Po’ Boy (aka, Robert “Not So” Young) dumps the body in the car and hauls ass (and the dead ass) over to a restaurant where Mark Rubinson works and i’m guessing it’s not as “Resident Genius” ’cause “Not So” Young and Rubinson “Cube Head” drive the body to a couple restaurants and leave the corpse in the back seat of the car because they don’t even have to roll the windows down a crack.
Robert Young & Mark Rubinson Mugshots
Then in my terrific movie idea, they ditch the corpse at his house because who would want to take a stiffy to a strip club? And that’s exactly where they go, someplace called Shotgun Willie’s, and they’re not as stupid as i originally thought because they take the dead guy’s bank card because the last lap dance will be on him (figurely speaking, of course). The movie ends when the strip club closes and the guys flag down a cop and say there might be a dead guy back at the house. The End.
Hey, y’all? If i die and you find my body, don’t you dare treat me the way these guys treated their buddy. You damn well better take my ass into that strip club if you’re gonna use my fuckin’ money. If you leave me at home, i’ll haunt your ass for eternity.
[See that, bitches? The first journalist ever to write about this story and not make a reference to Weekend At Bernie's. BOO-YA.]
As if her being young, sexy and drunk weren’t enough…
i mean, Kaitlin Rymaszewski would’ve earned a place in my heart and in these Dregs just for being hot, 22, and having a name that could choke Linda Lovelace—the irony of her story is just cream on top. She’s driving down the road, speeding, and when she sees the cops she starts braking and turning and turning and turning but the police catch up to her and pull her over.
Kaitlin M Rymaszewski Mugshot
The officer approaches the vehicle, smells alcohol and sees beer pouring out of the glovebox. Inside it is an open Bud Lite tall boy that she got as a present for completing an alcohol-education program she had to attend because she was busted for drunk driving in March 2011.
i can see why she got the certificate, though, ’cause she knows a whole lotta shit about booze.
Kaitlin, babe? You out there? Can i interview you for the Bar None?
It must have been hard for Gene Boner. Captain in the police department, this cock-up came prematurely off the road because he was drunk up to his Blue Policeman Balls. Let’s hope he gets the stiff punishment he deserves.
You know how you sit around your place drinking and telling yourself that you’re not an alcoholic because there’s tons of alcoholic shit you ain’t never done? Here’s something you can add to that list.
After Francisco Rojas’ wife called 911, the police arrived to find a drunk man in his garage trying to pull out his own tooth with a pair of pliers. The room was full of the stench of the vomit he was able to extract tons easier than the tooth.
Francisco Rojas mugshot
Here’s something i don’t recommend you say to the police when they come to your garage:
This is my fucking house, I can say and do whatever the fuck I want. I’m fucking drunk and you can’t do nothing about it.
Especially because they will do something about it, like raise the garage door because of the puke stench and when they do all the neighborhood kids are gonna be standing in the driveway for the show and that for sure is gonna make you wanna say something like:
Fuck you, Mr. King. Take me to fucking jail.
This might pose a problem as none of the the cops are named Mr King and they really didn’t want to take you to jail in the first place but you just left them no other fucking choice, did you?
Yeah, like you’ve never been drunk on an airplane before. i know y’all don’t remember and care even less but three years ago i drank all kinds of shit in first class but i never once grabbed a guy’s dick, not even a flight attendant’s no matter how cute he was and if you don’t have photos, it didn’t happen.
Yes, i Drank All This In One Flight
Unfortunately, Katherine Goldberg can’t say as much because she drank a pint of whiskey and told this guy stewardess who was probably gay anyway that she wanted his tube steak for dinner and her pie à la moded for dessert before she went all off on his crotch by groping his not-so-easy jet. Everyone knows how hard it is to get any kind of service in a plane and this case was no different. Apparently the friendly skies are less and less so because the guy refused to press anything but charges.
That’s something else you never done, too, so you really must not be an alcoholic. See what kind of public service shit i offer up in the Dregs?
Bar None's Artist Hallucination Of Who Went Down
Coming soon to a blog near you.
Bar None Dregs
September 19: A New Barmark
i’d like to take a minute to thank all you readers, oglers and drunks for making the Bar None the most popular unknown bar blog in the universe. On Monday of this week, more than 5000 patronizers stumbled into the Bar None for the first time in the history of the Bar None. Y’all are the best and rock the hard way.
Click on it if you don't believe me
September 09: No, i didn’t forget
i remember very well that Miss Demeanor made an honest man out of me by officially becoming Mrs Demeanor in a justice of the peace’s office here in Yeaman. i just didn’t tell you guys until now. And there was much rejoicing.
We got us some of those nasty, vampire dregs this week ’cause some of those featured here really suck. There’s this 20-year-old who ate a man’s head, a drunken moose that mounted a tree, skinny vodka that isn’t, a new definition of DUI (Disney Under the Influence), Amy Winehouse’s bust, a renegade stripper, Pokemon alcohol, and a toothless Evan Rachel Wood. Plus even more dregs you can suck on ’til your sick.
From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Shelby “Cobra” Spalione: KSM (her Disney band) – Magic Carpet Ride
[Press 'Play' for Little Red Riding Hood does Big Bad Steppenwolf.]
Don’t you hate it when you’re in Kentucky? And don’t you especially hate it when you’re in Kentucky sitting on a bar stool in the parking lot (because that’s what passes for a terrace in Kentucky) and some guy decides he wants to park it on your stool? The only problem here being “it” doesn’t refer to his ass but his Chevy S10 pickup. He drives right at you so you hop off the stool at the last second and James T Lee crashes into the building. He gets a stool sample stuck in his grill and a trip to jail because it was his fourth fucking arrest for drunk driving and you’ll never guess what he blew on the BAC so I’ll tell you, it was 0.236 which is three times over the limit, even in Kentucky. How drunk is that? Look at the picture in his mugshot–he’s fuckin’ cross-eyed drunk.
If you’ve ever, even once, drunk too much then you flirted with someone you shouldn’t have. Hopefully, however, it was with a member of the same species. There was this moose in Sweden that had one fermented apple too many and decided to mount a tree. This is a scoop, beermaids and barhounds: the moose wanted to fuck the tree. None of the other, reputed journals caught this but i picked up on it like a millionaire in a brothel. i mean, look at the tree. The branches look like antlers and the split trunk looks like two wanton moose legs. You’re a drunk moose in the middle of the night—you’d hit that. i know you would.
There’s this strip club called Baby Dolls in Florida, yeah, the one near the freeway, i knew you knew it, where this 25-year-old went to celebrate her version of amateur hour by getting drunk, walking into the club and stripping right there, even if she didn’t work there. You gotta love her spunk and salacity because she started bitching out the other dancers and yelling at the patrons to cough up something other than their special sauce. Here’s what it looked like when the cops came and made her put her clothes back on.
Natalie Behnke Mugshot
Oh yeah, i’m also gonna stick some other stripper shots in my drawers ’cause i’m generous like that. Scroll all the way down until you hit “bottom”.
Josephine Rebecca Smith, 22, does not know how to give head. What happens when a vampire tries to suck face? She walks up to a 69-year-old dude asleep in his motorized wheelchair on the doorstep to a Hooters, climbs on top of him, says “I am a vampire, I am going to eat you” and then starts munching. She takes chunks out of his face and lips before taking off. Finally, the police catch up to her and drive a stake through her heart. Nah, just joshing, they arrest her for a whole bunch of shit, including an open container.
i’m keeping a drunk Goth shot in the drawer, but before that i got this.
There’s this kind of vodka called Skinnygirl and i’m fascinated that a national brand of alcohol would try to inebriate women stupid enough to believe they can loose weight with booze. All you women who are on a vodka diet, please come over to Yemen and we’ll work out a workout. Until then, i’m afraid to be the one to break the news to you that Skinnygirl Vodka has an artificial preservative in it. Yes, horror of horrors, this vodka is not the health drink we all naturally assumed it was.
You know that huge super famous mega band KSM? Remember how they were a Disney formed Go-Gos cover band? Recall, if you will, that heartbreaking moment that defined not only a generation but a century: Where were you when you learned KSM had broke up?
Well, hold on to your mouse ears, Muscadeteers, because tragedy has struck again. Shelby “Cobra” Spalione, lead singer and guitarist of KSM was busted last night (Sept 10, 2011) for DUI. Cops pulled her over for a seatbelt thing and smelled AlKHall on her breath so they gave her a BAT test and she scored 0.15%, which isn’t bad considering it’s twice the legal limit and only 3 points less than her age. Yep, Shelby’s a rocking 18.
So here’s my idea for a realty show. We get famous people and film them while they match their Blood Alcohol Content to their age. Can you imagine Selena Gomez at 0.19%? Taylor Swift reaching 0.21%? Or if you don’t like that idea, i got this other concept called “Disney Girls Gone Wild”. Sleep on it, you’ll let me know.
i got another shot of Cobra snaking in my drawers, down there.
Before i waste space about that, though, i just wanted to point out that Amy’s dad said Amy Winehouse did not have any illegal substances in her body at the time of her death. She had all kinds of nasty shit, like that greasy British fish and shit and warm flat beer they call bitter, but no narcotics.
What she did have was something called Librium, which is apparently a drug for recovering alcoholics to help them with seizures during the DTs. According to Wino’s House, she died from a detox seizure. Recovery can be killer, yo.
How do I know French people can’t dance? Evan Rachel Woody was partying in Paris and some guy on the dance floor flapped his elbow and knocked her tooth out of her mouth. i’m no Mikael Molotv or whatever, but i never gave anyone a permanently disfiguring injury while dancing. The only thing i ever cut was a rug, ‘s what i’m saying.
Here’s The Bar None’s Artist Hallucination of what that mouth must look like.
Evan Rachel Wood at 11
And here’s what that looks like now.
Evan Rachel Wood in the Bar None
We got some more Wood shots in the drawers.
Bar None Dregs
A couple new posts over at the sobering site. Don’t go there unless you’re looking for some serious shit.
On the lighter side… That Saint-Pauly fuckup has put together a new post about the Emma Stone vehicle, Easy A.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Amateur Strippers – Dedicated to Natalie Behnke
Drunk Goth – Dedicated to Josephine Rebecca Smith
Shelby “Cobra” Spalione (18)
Evan Rachel Wood (24)
Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson in the Bar None