[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Ramblings:  Tall Dark Stranger Danger

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a factory worker? He spends his entire day cranking out the exact same product and some days the piece may look better than others but, c’mon, it’s just another replica of the same damn thing he does all the time and after work he’s tired and getting closer to retirement and comes into the bar in his blue collar work blues and drinks a lot but he always pounds “the usual” while he recounts the exact same stories he’s been telling since he was a little cog. Five minutes into your bender with this guy and he’s already laborious and you’re just waiting to get buzzed enough to flirt with the hot girl at the next table. That’s what Woody Allen and You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger is like.

Woody Allen makes a movie a year and it’s become so routine for him that he can do it automatically and he’s just stopped trying. Sure, every once in a while he coughs up something worthwhile like The Purple Rose of Cairo or Vicky Christina Barcelona but how many of you remember Anything Else or Hollywood Ending?

You wanna know what i didn’t like about this movie? ‘Cause if you do, i’ll go there. The narrator. i fucking hated the narrator who we never figure out who it is and we don’t give a shit anyway we just wonder why we have to have this voice of god in the background telling us what we’re seeing on the screen. It musta been that patented Woody Allen wit which i’m guessing is totally ironic because this here is a comedy with absolutely no jokes whatsoever. The other thing floating in this crap like a fly in 3% beer were the people around me. Yeamen and Yeawomen are known the world over for their love and adoration of the Woody because they fashion themselves intellectuals so during the whole damn film you get to hear their annoying intellectual chuckling at whatever parts they think they’re smart enough to recognize as funny.

You want me to talk a little about the actors? Because i ‘m not afraid to do them, either. Naomi Watts does an OK job as Sally, a young lady who is, because this is a Woody Allen movie, unhappy in her marriage and flirting with the idea of having an affair. Josh Brolin, who plays her tool husband Roy, plods along like that worker i mentioned in the intro, but he really has problems when it comes to scenes that require more than boredom. Fortunately for him (but not for us), that doesn’t happen a lot in YWMATDS. The real oil in this machine was Lucy Punch, who appears as Alfie’s (Anthony Hopkins—brilliant enough, as usual, to make us forget he’s famous) slutty new girlfriend. She fills out the role superbly and is very good at acting very bad.

Miss D pointed out that Woody Allen sucks in many cities but does all right with New York movies. Too bad it’s become too expensive for him to film there so he makes New York movies everywhere else, like London in this case, but that comes off as well as eating Mcfish and chips the rain when you forget your brolly. Someone needs to tell him to stop off-shoring his process—or to stop making movies. Or to stop me seeing his shoddy art and craps.

When i catch up to Woody in hell, and let there be no mistake, we will meet in hell, i’m gonna ask him back for this 1 hour and a half he stole from my life.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 Shots

Woody Allen always gets hot girls in his movies because they want to pad their resumés and they’re still naïve enough to think what plops out of Woody’s assembly line is art. The only problem is, he never takes advantage of their naïveté to strip them down, the bastard.

First up in my notes is Naomi Watts (making 42 look like an age to shoot for), who plays Sally like i already talked about up there. She has the coolest accent. i just love the English accent because it sounds so musical, but i can’t give her acting cred for the accent because she comes from England and that’s how they talk there. Still, she does a mean American accent and if i ever see her in another American film i’ll be sure to fix her up with some mad props. She also looks incredibly good in tight pants and she did the window all kinds of favors when Roy (Josh Brolin) looked across the courtyard and caught her undressing down to her underwear. i don’t got any of that for you, but i did walk away with some of this.

 

 

There’s a lot more of her hanging out down in my drawers. Just keep scrolling all the way down to get there.

Like i already mentioned, too, we got Lucy “Packs-Quite-A” Punch (33) and i’d like to show her what i’m packin’. She looks great playing the slutty trophy wife and as soon as she enters the movie she’s in a super short skirt (emphasis on “super”) with a very cleavagey (i didn’t know the word existed either but it was in my notes, so there you go) dress.

We get the Punch full in the face too because there’s an almost upskirt of her as she bends over to slide into her stripper boots and then there’s an almost crotch shot up her shorts when she’s in the gym, not to mention the part when she’s in a silk nightie. Screw it, if a picture’s worth 1000 words, here’s a mouthful.

 

 

There’s a couple more shots of her in the drawers as well.

The other main hottie in this movie was Freida Pinto (26), who you may remember from Slumdog Millionaire and if you don’t it’s OK ’cause i remember enough for the both of us. The first thing i put in the notes was, “Brunettes playing classical guitar in are hot.” It went kinda like this:

What we also got was a shot of her undressing to her underwear (sports car red) from a distance across a courtyard. Hell, it’s better than nothing but not better than this.

 

 

Of course there’s more Freida lays in my drawers.

And when i say Freida was the other main hottie, i’m not saying Anna Friel isn’t. Don’t get me wrong Anna Friel is a major hottie as she showed time and time again in the TV series Pushing Daisies, just Woody didn’t give her enough screen time to make her a main hottie in this film. To make up for Woody’s lack of taste, here’s me giving the delectable Anna Friel some screen time.

 

 

i’m not even gonna talk about my drawers anymore ’cause i’m gonna sound like a perv, but if you look down in there, you’ll see Anna shots waiting for you.

Silken Butterflies

The first silken butterfly to flit across the screen was Kelly Harrison, a very fit 30-year-old from South Yorkshire who plays a “Personal Trainer”.

 

 

Next on my list is a shout out to a talented young actress i’ve already shouted out before. i already hung some pictures of Eleanor Gecks in here when she appeared in Alice in Wonderland and now she’s in YWMATDS as Rollerblading Friend so this time i sent her a message through her agent but she never got back to me so i’m guessing she’s one of those women who’s already too famous to talk to me so when i’m richer and famouser i’ll be all rude to her and ignore her more than she ignored me just so i can pay her back. Yeah. While i’m waiting for that to never happen, i’ll have to make do with this.

The final butterfly brightening up this dreary film is the very lovely Natalie Walter (31), who flitted across the screen as Alan’s Sister. Even more impressive than her beauty was her talent as she had the chance to say a few lines and did a hell of a lot better acting angry than Josh Brolin did. i’ve sent her a request for an interview so keep whatever you got crossed that she’ll deign to speak with the dregs like me.

For those of you more into Tall Dark and Strange than Petite Sweet and Pretty here’s some Antonio Banderas (50).

 

 

And here’s some Josh Brolin (42), looking better than he can act.

Drink: 2½ Shots

Yeah, i was pretty surprised about this myself. i gotta give  the Wood credit where it’s due though because pretty much every scene in the movie had alcohol in it and drinking of some kind. It was even big enough to be a minor theme which is why i gave it a minor note. If he’d a made the booze a major character i’d of boosted this up a little.

• The medium [Pauline Collins as Cristal] asks the lead old woman [Gemma Jones as Helena] if she’d like some tea. The old woman says she’d prefer a sherry so the medium asks what about scotch? Helena says that’d be even better.
• Chauffeur (Josh Brolin) has a beer when he gets home after crashing his car.
• Beer at picnic and poker game.
• The writer has beer a lot. He’s a writer. It’s his job. He should binge more.
• Helena drinks whiskey in a tall glass.
• Scotch with fortune teller after bad news.
• Wine and champagne at classical evening.
• Alfie [Anthony Hopkins] usually has a bar close by at all times.
• Wine at lunch with Dad.
• Hot painter [Anna Friel as Iris] has been dry for two years.
• White wine goodbye drink [between Sally (Naomi Watts) and Greg (Antonio Banderas)].
• Beers in a pub when he [Roy/Josh Brolin] introduces Dia [Freida Pinto]

Bottom line is i’m convinced that Woody put all the booze in this bad boy just for me. He’s catering to me ’cause he thinks he can trick me into giving this wreck a good score but i’m not that easily bought off. You wanna buy me off? Give me real alcohol.

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

The only music throughout this whole thing is that Woody Allen ragtime jazz crap and some classical music and a little opera. Wake me up when we can go-go.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Woody Allen

Directed by: Woody Allen

Starring

• Naomi Watts – Sally
• Freida Pinto – Dia
• Lucy Punch – Charmaine
• Anna Friel – Iris
• Gemma Jones – Helena
• Pauline Collins – Cristal
• Natalie Walter – Alan’s Sister
• Kelly Harrison – Personal Trainer
• Eleanor Gecks – Rollerblading Friend
• Anthony Hopkins – Alfie
• Antonio Banderas – Greg
• Josh Brolin – Roy

Bottom Line

When i catch up to Woody in hell, and let there be no mistake, we will meet in hell, i’m gonna ask him back for this 1 hour and a half he stole from my life.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Naomi Watts (42)

 

 

Freida Pinto (26)

Lucy Punch (33)

Anna Friel (34)

 

 

 

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.