Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of BLACK SWAN

From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Natalie Portman – Uncensored Rap

[Press Play for THE Natalie Portman rapping, “Shut the fuck up and suck my dick”]

Ramblings: “Black…” is Beautiful

Final Proof: 4½ Shots

You know how it is when you get drunk and look in the mirror? You look normal and you look normally when you catch your own eye as you stagger past the glass, but it’s like one of those words you repeat over and over again until it no longer makes sense ’cause your face melts like ice in bourbon into that word you no longer recognize so you keep staring, waiting to see something familiar but the longer you look the more of a stranger you become so you start talking to yourself and when the reflection of yourself doesn’t answer you flip it off and then you reach the point where you forget who is who and which one is you, the ass or the bastard behind the glass and if you’re really shattered you fight the reflection with your fist in your face so that you and the glass are both cracked and bleeding. That’s exactly the kind of reflections Black Swan will leave you with.

Black Swan is what we in the movie business call “fuckin’ good” and just stop me if I start getting too technical for your lay asses. Why was it fucking good? Because it wasn’t perfect but tried to be.

There’s this quote and I’m pretty sure it’s by Bono where he talks about John Lennon and Bono says what gets him isn’t how Lennon hits the note perfectly, but the way his voice cracks when trying for it. Black Swan is that perfect crack. Because the movie isn’t perfect, but it strives to be.

Dark and intense like any woman worth my salt, Black Swan takes us on a tour of broken glass on the other side of a jagged mirror. It’s edgy, sharp and perversely intimate.

One word about Natalie Portman before we move on to the good stuff (or at least the better than shit stuff). i know there was some trashed talk about how she didn’t really do the dancing and rather than give more attention than i already haven’t to some unprofessional dancer looking to time lease her 15 seconds of infame, i’m gonna steer you to an article where the director details exactly how much tiptoeing Natalie did through the tulips. i’m also gonna add that no matter how much dancing Natalie did, she still rocked the tutu off the role and owned the Oscar even before she won it. Then, when you realize she actually did most of the steps, you rise to your feet in misty eyed spontaneous applause.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 4 Shots

There’s so much going on here i don’t know which chicken to choke first.

Let’s start with Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman was bendy as a red hot twizzler in this movie and just as tasty. Not only did she go there, she went there, danced on it, broke it, fixed it and brought it back. She fucking owned it and by “it” i mean “everything”, including the sex and you had to know that’s where i was going because i just gave a 4-shot sex rating.

For example, we start off with Natalie in panties and covering her own boobs with her hands, and from there it only goes up and “up” is the direction it goes, ’cause there’s a scene of Natalie beating off in bed and then beating off again in the tub so that she can make the switch to Bad Swan and you so want to be with NP when she’s Bad Swan because you get to spank her little tutu.

i’m gonna toss up the mandatory collage/wallpaper and then i’m gonna stick some single shots of her deep down in my drawers.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

i see your Natalie and raise you Mila dollars.

Here’s what i think is cool, any woman’s whose last name can be used as slang for the female sex organ. Like “Kunis”. As in, “Get a load of that Kunis.” There was Kunis galore in Black Swan, let me tell you. In addition to all the hot, sweaty Kunis this film oozed with, there was some lesbian Kunis. Was it fantasy? Was it real? Was it a dream? Do we care as long as they show it? They showed it all right.

They showed everything from Mila and Natalie kissing to Mila eating out and i don’t mean at a restaurant unless we’re talking about the smorgasbord between Natalie Portman’s thighs. Here’s an eyeful of that but don’t look too long or your eyes will get steamed up.

It’s a little anti-climatic, (get it?—nope, not if it’s anti-climatic), but here’s a Kunis wallpaper and there’s more to come in my drawers.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Then, just when you  thought it was over, there’s some of my Winona…

…who wasn’t so hot in the movie as she was drunk  but then there’s a certain charm in that as well, am i right? If you’d like to Ryder, there’s single shots of her filling my drawers.

For those of you more into Peacocks than Swans, here’s some Vincent Cassel action.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Here’s a bonus shot that will serve as a nice entrée for the Drink part of my show…

Winona in the Bar None - Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

A Smoke

Drink: 2 ½ Shots

Black Swan was a little weak on the booze, but then i get that the focus of the film wasn’t alcohol and, if you look at it from that perspective then there was a goodly amount of drink and drinking.

‘Cause like Winona’s character, Beth Macintyre, is an alcoholic and they have her drinking a lot. Like almost all the time. While i’m on Winona, she did such a good job acting drunk in the movie that she came away with the Alkie for Best Drunk Actress in the 2011 bArCADEMY AwkWARDS.

Here’s the rest of the blow by blow:

  • Thomas Leroy (Vincent Cassel) makes a toast to Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman) with champagne
  • Lily (Mila Kunis) takes Nina out for a drink

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

Sure, there wasn’t a lot of rock and roll music in the movie, but i’m here to tell you this movie was wall to the balls to the wall Rock and Roll in its own personal way.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Screenplay: Mark Heyman, Andrés Heinz, John McLaughlin
Story: Andrés Heinz

Directed by: Darren Aronofsky

Starring

Natalie Portman              …           Nina Sayers

Mila Kunis           …           Lily

Winona Ryder   …           Beth Macintyre

Barbara Hershey             …           Erica Sayers

Vincent Cassel  …           Thomas Leroy

Bottom Line

See it. Just shut up at do it. What are you still doing here? Oh, the drawer shots, right. OK, but see it right after the drawer shots and no dilly dallying mister.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Natalie Portman (30)

Mila Kunis (28)

Mila Kunis in the Bar None

Winona Ryder (39)

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Or, if you’re looking more for A&T (Alcoholism and Treatment) than T&A:


Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of THOR

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Foo Fighters – Walk

[Press ‘Play’ for a cool rock song they tacked on during the end credits to have something cool for the soundtrack]

Check out the date on the poster. May 6, 2011. And who is it reviewing it for you now ’cause it came out early in Yeaman and i saw it last Friday (April 28)? Oh yeah, it’s me. Al K Hall. Here’s the screen shots i took as proof because i knew y’all would think i was lying about this shit.

Ramblings: It’s Hammer Time

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk and then get laid? The beginning is super exciting but then your buzz starts to wear off in the middle and your muscles get a little sore and whatever struck your anvil originally is beginning to fade like your buzz and you’re worried how it’s going to end because 20 minutes into her and you have to pee a little and the exciting images you erected at the upstart are getting harder to come by and just when you think you’re gonna have to fake it and go home with balls bluer than your ruin, you find the spark and finish with a big bang. That’s kinda what Thor was like because the beginning was hot, the middle was draining but the climax of the movie rocked hard.

Similar to the fun ugly girl near the kitchen door at the party you know you’ll pound later, Thor is pretty likeable but makes the effort to be so, which sometimes is all it takes when your beer filled hammer is no longer hanging. If your hammer wants a little of the ball and especially of the peen and you need something to claw your back, Thor will satisfy. You want beautiful CGI worlds? We got that. Effects? Just special enough. Beautiful actresses? Check. The obligatory fight scenes are obliging and the mandatory action is manly. Thor connects all the right dots to form a handsome picture without ever trying to push the boundaries of the page he’s drawn on.

Which, the more i think about it, is pretty fucking amazing because this movie was directed by Kenneth Branagh who is the only director i know who would butcher Shakespeare with Keanu Reeves just to sell a couple tickets and fuck up a version of Frankenstein starring Robert Deniro. Seriously, you’ve gotta be a shitty director to fuck up Frankenstein with Deniro. That’s what surprised me about liking Thor, the directing wasn’t too horrible. Like people behave normally and not like in the movies. For example, Thor asks Jane (who Nathalie Portman acted the shit out of) to give him a ride to reach his hammer and she’s all over it until her mentor tells her it’s a bad idea so she apologizes and changes her mind. [And this isn’t even a spoiler so stop your petty whining.]

Another area where Thor broke the mold and broke it very well concerned the bad guy. i don’t know about the original comic because i don’t read anything with more than 12 steps but the bad guy, Loki (a little overdone by Tom Hiddleston) was more three dimensional than any cartoon baddie i’ve seen. His motivations changed and his character evolved in ways more subtle than any other character inside Thor.

Speaking of, i’d like to make a toast to Natalie Portman who grabbed the role of Jane Roberts by the tits and then acted her up and down, all around, then all the way to town and back. She was so overqualified for this shit it was like watching Charlie Sheen teach Nick Cage how to fuck-up or Hasselhoff instructing Keiffer Sutherland on how to drink. Just too damn easy, is what i’m saying.

i do gotta say, though, that the CGI was fairly ginormous. i saw Thor’s hammer hanging on the big screen and that’s a pretty impressive tool he’s packing. Ever since Avatar, spectators have come to expect quite a lot from their other worlds and Thor holds up his end majestically for all to see. i saw Thor both in 3D and 2D and i’d recommend the 2D digital version. The third dimension was glued on top of the 2D version and doesn’t add anything other than a layer of caked on sheen that distracts from the cinematography (which is a professional word i try to use from time to time even if i’m not totally sure what it means).

Basically, even if you want to snag a nap during the middle of the movie, the rest of the movie was better than anything Iron Man 2 could throw up. Oh yeah, also don’t forget to stay until the very end of the film for a sneak peek.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Rating the sex is kinda tricky for a lot of reasons. Like all of the actresses are beautiful but i haven’t seen chicks covered by so much clothes since the North Canadian Amish Winter Quilt Festival. Like i discovered totally new talent but she wouldn’t even take her hat off during the whole movie. Like the lead actor was hot as hell but i’m a guy and don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.

Of course we had Nathalie Portman (29) and if you don’t know how hot she is by now then there’s nothing else i can say other than this.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

i got some hot shots in my drawers at the bottom of this post.

Plus there was the new hottie i didn’t even know about until just now even if i remember her from an epi of CSI where she plays a young fast food drive-thru window employee getting hit on by a lech who coulda been me except he was handsome and had money. Of course i’m talking about Kat Dennings (24) who was super cute as Jane Foster’s sidekick “Darcy”.

A couple things i could say about Kat are she has the coolest, fullest, reddest lips that are so lucious looking they look like lickable lip candy—yum flavored. On top of that, the special effects of Thor are super impressive because Kat’s chest is as full as her lips but you’d never know from the movie because i think they CGI her boobs out so you don’t get distracted from the movie going on around them. This is what i’m on about.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Speaking of CGI boobs, and trust me, i could all day, we also got Jaimie Alexander (27) who i really like. You might remember her from a previous post i did about her and kissing lessons. You can click on the link if you want to read the article but i aim to please so if you just want the shot here i am to serve it up.

Jaimie Alexander in the Bar None

But back to the CGI boobs. Jaimie had the opposite thing going on than Kat because with Kat they took her boobs out and with Jaimie they put her boobs in. Y’all know me enough by now to know i think this is a transvestite of injustice because small boobs rock the hard way. It went down kind of like this.

Moving on with my life, here’s the collage of the lovely young lady.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Just like with Kat and Natalie, there’s tons of drawer shots waiting for you in the bottom end of this post. Scroll all the way down, yo.

Wrapping things up with style we have, as Thor’s mom Frigga, the eternally gorgeous Rene Russo who, at 57, proves women can become more beautiful as well as more talented with age. Respect.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Drawer shots of her as well. How could i not when her character’s name is friggin’ Frigga?

For those of you more interested in “hammers” than “nailed”, we got the studly Chris Hemworth (27) who shows more skin than any of the babes here. As Darcy says when she sees him shirtless, he is most definitely “cut”. Almost enough for me to forget that i’m gonna go for Michelle Rodriguez if i ever decide to do men.

He is so goddamn good looking that i’ve even jammed some Chris shots deep in my drawers.

But he’s also no stranger to the Bar None. Here he is with his brother ganging up on one poor guy, who looks a lot like Al K Hall…

Silken Butterflies

A first in the Booze Revooze: A guy clocking in as a silken butterfly (clicking on the header will take you to the definition). Idris Elba (38) was super cool as the Bifrost gate keeper. Interestingly enough, he was also “Charles Miner”, the black guy all the women fell in love with in season 5 of The Office.

A Smoke

Drink: 1½ Shots

i pro’lly wasn’t going to go so high with this except i remembered there was a nice quote for Slurred Speeches so i decided to bump it up a shot. Other than that, there was this one scene where rednecks get drunk on Bud from the bottle as they try to pull Thor’s hammer out of the crater it landed in.

Then, Thor gets escorted out of government agency types’ care by Doctor Erik Selvig.

Slurred Speeches

Government dude: Keep him away from the bars.

Dr Selvig: I will.

Thor: Where are we going?

Dr Selvig: To get a drink.

So they go to the bar and drink Bud long necks (Budweiser is apparently the official beer of the Avengers) and then turn it up a notch to Boiler Makers until they get totally shit faced and Thor has to carry the doctor back to the trailer and this is the quote that made me bump this section up a notch.

Jane Foster: What happened?

Thor: We drank, we fought, he did his ancestors proud.

Plus they drank some mead

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

What this movie lacked in real rock and roll music, it made up for in action. Sure, there was the boring middle but the action at the beginning and the end really worked. Also, the special effects were rock and roll, too, so i can afford to be generous.

Other than the Foo Fighters at the top of the post, there was also Billy Swan singing “I Can Help” when the rednecks were trying to tug Thor’s hammer.

[Press ‘Play’ for a hand]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: 

Comic: Stan Lee, Larry Lieber, Jack Kirby

Screenplay: Ashley Edward Miller, Zack Stentz, Don Payne

Story: J. Michael Straczynski, Mark Protosevich

Directed by: Kenneth Branagh

Starring

Natalie Portman – Jane Foster

Kat Dennings – Darcy Lewis

Jaimie Alexander – Sif

Rene Russo – Frigga

Chris Hemsworth – Thor

Idris Elba – Heimdall

Bottom Line

If you like superhero movies, you’ll enjoy getting pounded by Thor’s hammer. Especially on the big screen, but not in 3D.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Natalie Portman (29)

Natalie Portman in the Bar None

Kat Dennings (24)

Kat Dennings in the Bar None

Kat's reaction to my posting her forbidden cell phone photos

Jaimie Alexander (27)

Rene Russo (57)

Chris Hemsworth (27)

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of NEW YORK, I LOVE YOU

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Radiohead – No Surprises

[Press Play for No Surprises]

Ramblings: New York, i Like You As A Friend

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink in a New York bar? The patrons are a bag of mixed nuts ’cause some of them are light and others are dark, some poetic and others silly, some sad and some pretty boring. Most of them are sensitive and drink Manhattans like it’s a law and tell you their stories that are pretty cool, though occasionally a little slow or trite but sometimes the patron doin’ the tellin’ is cute and she means well and at least she’s paying for her own drinks and sometimes she even comes out with a tale that is truly beautiful and she doesn’t even slur so you end up passing a pleasant evening in this New York Bar but can’t help wondering if there isn’t something else more exciting happening out there somewhere. New York, I Love You is kinda like that.

James Caan, Olivia Thirlby, Anton Yelchin

For those of you out of the art film loop, New York… is the little sister of Paris, Je t’aime and basically follows the same premise which is to get a barful of directors to make short films about the respected cities using actors who are looking for art cred.

Julie Christie & Shia LaBeouf In The Bar None

Because i did both Paris, Je t’aime and NYILY i feel obligated to compare them. Paris threw me because i didn’t know what to expect when i saw it, but i certainly didn’t expect to see 18 3-minute movies and believe me, 3-minutes isn’t long enough to do much more than set up a story so it was like watching the beginning of 18 movies. Some of the shorts were fantastic and many of them were WTF?

Robin Wright & Chris Cooper In The Bar None

New York learned from Paris‘ mistakes by using fewer but longer vignettes and by having characters interact with each other to provide a vague sense on continuity. While none of New York‘s stories were as bad as Paris‘ bad ones, none of them shone like the diamonds in Paris, either. Which means New York is more balanced yet blander than Paris which is pro’lly true in real life, too.

Ethan Hawke & Maggie Q In Front Of The Bar None

So basically what we got here is a quilt of movies like sections of a city. Some parts of town are pretty cool, others too trendy and the rest places so boring you wouldn’t wanna go there on a bar bet without a box of wine and a rusty cutter.

Rachel Bilson, Andy Garcia & Hayden Christensen In The Bar None

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex:3 Shots

You wanna know how much talent was in this movie? Ask Miss Demeanor, she’ll tell you. It’s taken me days, literally, of hogging the ‘puter to wade through barrels of photos to get this crap together.

But enough about me, let’s talk about sex, baby. Definitely the most original sex scene (that they didn’t really show) is between Olivia Thirlby (the best friend in Juno and the hottie in The Wackness) and Anton Yelchin (the dude who plays the new Chekov in the new Star Trek). She’s in a wheelchair and after prom they go to a park and she throws a strap over a tree branch so she can hoist herself up before easing herself down onto Anton’s “Yelchin”. Enough about that, here’s the money shot of Olivia Thirlby (23), as Actress.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’s more shots down below in my drawers…

As for the actual nudity in the movie, well, there’s Drea de Matteo (as Lydia) with maybe a body double or maybe it’s really her in a sex scene with Bradley Cooper. Whatever, here’s the real deal…

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

And here she is in The Bar None.

Apart from that, the sex and the nudity are done, babes. ‘Course there are a few babes… Like Rachel Bilson (28) who was super cute in the role of “Molly”. Sure, there wasn’t much acting required, she just had to be cute basically, but she did do that extremely well. Here’s the proof.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’s gonna be more shots of her in my drawers. You gotta scroll down for the GQ wallpaper and a shot of her with her crazy ass tongue.

But before that, how could i not talk about Natalie Portman? Not only was she in Paris, Je t’aime and New York, I Love You (as Rifka), but she also directed a segment here (not the one she stars in, one that was way more boring and incomprehensible). Still, she’s Natalie Portman. Her last name pro’lly comes from some ancestor who owned a bar and so people kept saying “Port, man!” and she looks like this, so all is forgiven.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Here she is in The Bar None.

Natalie Portman In The Bar None

Of course i got a lot more shots of her down in my drawers. Just scroll down.

What else do we got? What else do we got!? We got us Qi Shu, this hot 34-year-old Thai chick who used to do Asian soft porn before gracing us with her presence here as the coveted “Chinese Herbalist”. Here’s why i’m covetin’:

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

i know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Al! How could you forget Maggie Q!?” Ha! i tell you. Ha! You think i didn’t notice her as “Call Girl”? Sure, at 30 she’s looking a little older than she did in Mission Impossible III or Balls Of Fury, but like a fine wine she gets better with age. Here’s what i mean.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

What could more exciting than that? Maggie Q in the Bar None, of course.

To finish up the established actresses, i’m gonna break an age record here. Julie Christie (who played Isabelle), at 69, is looking pretty damn good. Ladies and Gentlemen, i give you Julie Christie, then and now…

Silken Butterflies

These are those fleeting beauties whose time on the screen was all too brief.

Emilie Ohana, who played Zoe, the video artist with a lot of pizazz (and who was also in Paris, Je t’aime).

Not to mention Jordann Beal (21), who does a superb job as “Prom guest”. It’ll be good practice for when she goes to her first real one.

For those of you who are more into Skyscrapers than Potholes, i offer up:

Anton Yelchin (21), as Boy in the Park.

Bradley Cooper (35), as Gus.

Ethan Hawke (39), as Writer.

Orlando Bloom (33), as David.

And Shia LaBeouf (33), as Jacob.

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

A lot of references, if not much significance:

  • Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson drink gin & tonics with no ice in a bar
  • Prom dates drink champagne from the bottle in a park
  • Drea de Matteo promises herself to stop at 2 drinks during her date
  • Bradley Cooper drinks a Jameson in the bar
  • Zoe drinks a glass of red wine in a bar while working on her laptop
  • Shia and Julie share a glass of champagne in her hotel room
  • The painter drinks straight from the bottle while he works and then he passes out and dies (pro’lly) from drinking

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

The Radiohead up top is all you’ll get.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Hu Hong & Meng Yao, Israel Horovitz, Suketu Mehta, Olivier Lecot, Jeff Nathanson, Xan Cassavetes, Stephen Winter, Anthony Minghella, Natalie Portman, Fatih Akin, Joshua Marston, Hall Powell, James Strouse

Directed by: Fatih Akin, Yvan Attal, Allen Hughes, Shunji Iwai, Wen Jiang, Joshua Marston, Mira Nair, Brett Ratner, Randall Balsmeyer, Shekhar Kapur, Natalie Portman

Starring

Rachel Bilson – Molly (segment “Jiang Wen”)
Maggie Q – Call Girl (segment “Yvan Attal”)
Julie Christie – Isabelle (segment “Shekhar Kapur”)
Drea de Matteo – Lydia (segment “Allen Hughes”)
Olivia Thirlby – Actress (segment “Brett Ratner”)
Qi Shu – Chinese herbalist
Emilie Ohana – Zoe—the Video Artist
Anton Yelchin – Boy in the Park (segment “Brett Ratner”)
Shia LaBeouf – Jacob (segment “Shekhar Kapur”)
Bradley Cooper – Gus (segment “Allen Hughes”)
Orlando Bloom – David (segment “Shunji Iwai”)
Ethan Hawke – Writer (segment “Yvan Attal”)

Bottom Line

See it on a Sunday on DVD but drink vodka & Redbull and invite someone you love (or like to see naked) for the boring parts.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more writing, just eye shots. You know where the exit is…

Rachel Bilson (28)

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Rachel Bilson And Her Crazy Tongue

Drea de Matteo (38)

Olivia Thirlby (23)

Olivia Thirlby In The Bar None

Olivia Thirlby Still In The Bar None

Olivia Thirlby Can't Leave The Bar None

Natalie Portman (28)

Natalie Portman See Through

Natalie Portman See Through

Natalie Portman See Through

Natalie Portman Side Boob

Natalie Portman Nip Slip

New York Loves Nathalie Portman

Natalie Portman Loves Scarlett Johansson

Qi Shu (34)

Maggie Q (30)