You can either click ‘Play’ to listen to it online… (07m 09s)
…or right click the above link and ‘save link as’ download the mp3 file for your player
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Fever Ray – If I Had a Heart
[Press ‘Play’ for part of a killer soundtrack: Fever Ray – If I Had A Heart]
To prove to y’all i got to see this on the 1st of October, here’s a couple cell phone shots i took.
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with a spoiled girl? It’s not her fault her parents gave her everything she wanted but there she sits, over dressed, drinking champagne and eating lobster hors d’oeuvres, never looking directly at you or trying to get you to like her. She’d look better in jeans than that fancy ass dress and she’d be easier to like of she was ordering beer and she’d be more fun if she was a little hungrier and a little more desperate. One of the little known life lessons spoiled girls have yet to learn is that there’s a certain sexy in desperate. Which is not what Horns was like.
The weird thing is, i know i liked this fucking movie because i remember how i felt watching it, but ever since i left the theater i keep thinking about all the shit that got up my nose. Maybe i’ll make like i ate salmonella tacos to get all the shit out of my system so i can find the gold nuggets lurking inside.
Here’s what got my goat about Horns. This movie had so much money thrown at it that it lost its focus and wasn’t in a hurry to get to the ending. This was because the movie is based on a book and if i ever stop reading WTF!? i might read that book because i’m sure it was cool, but a movie isn’t a book — that’s why they have different words for them. What happens when you try to stick too close to the book is you end up with a lot of WTF because the reason why characters do shit isn’t explained like in a novel. A smart director would dumb it down and put everything up on the screen.
Then there were the flashbacks… This film had more childhood flashbacks than a Stephen King book, for chrissakes. i kept trying hard to care, i swear i did, but like a hook handed masturbator, i just couldn’t get there.
The other thing that prodded me to dislike Horns was Daniel Radcliffe. He’s a great little actor (he did a nice job of an American accent here) and he’s going to make some lucky guy a lovely wife one day, but to see him as a romantic lead was a stretch. Especially because the film is based on the depth of the love between Ig (short for ‘Ignatius’ and obviously symbolic of some shit, but i can’t be bothered to figure out what that might be) and Merrin Williams, where Juno Temple plays Merrin and Daniel Radcliffe plays a man. Like prostitutes next to hospitals, i wasn’t buying into that, which has more to do with how he looked than his acting because he can act like a man just as well as the next guy.
There’s a lot to like here, though, i swear. i’m a fan of Alexandre Aja who made Piranha 3D look good and who killed it in the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. Sure, you could argue he’s getting worse as time goes on, but that’s you. As for me, i’m sure he’ll turn things around and get the passion for filming back that he once had. Regardless, he knows what he’s doing and so he’s like this French seducer who’s expert at making you feel good while he’s screwing you, as long as you don’t care his heart isn’t in it.
Should you see it? Hell yes, especially if you’re going to see more than one movie this month.
You know what this movie needed more of? Nudity. Of course i say that about every movie but this one had some really hot girls and some gratuitous flesh would have helped me gloss over some of Horns‘ flaws.
Here’s a quick rundown of my notes…
There were some lovely shots of Juno Temple, but then every shot of her is lovely. For those of you looking to see how much i appreciate her, check out the 0-5 Shot reviews of Maleficent, Kaboom and Mr Nobody.
There was also the gorgeous Kelli Garner, as Glenna Shepherd, the waitress who fucks to be loved. Remember how up there i talked about how a little desperation is sexy in a girl? If Horns looked and felt like Glenna looked and behaved, it would’ve had a lot more heart.
There’ll be some single shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom. Just keep scrolling down till you see her smiling cleavage.
Also making an appearance was the amazing Heather Graham who is still as stunning as the time she showed us her boobs in Boogie Nights and a good slang name for that flick would be Boobie Nights because that’s how much of a revelation her chest was. Speaking of revealing chests…
i got some single shots of her in my drawers as well. Just scroll the way down.
One of the actresses who was onscreen far too briefly to contain all of her talent was the exquisite Kendra Anderson, who played Nurse Delilah, like in “[Flashes of] Nurse naked doing doctor on a squeaky chair beside the surgical bed” from the Sex section up above. Here’s a toast to seeing a lot more of her in the future.
Drink: 3 Shots
There was a surprising amount here, to tell you the truth and that’s all i know how to do. Most every scene had a drink in it and like i mention in the next section, an argument could be made to the claim that the way people react to Ig’s horns is super similar to how people act when they’re drunk. You know me – and if you don’t i’m the one to blame – i don’t like to argue so i’ll shut up about it, but there’s some similarity.
Here’s the drinking shit shot by shot:
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
Aja let me down here. Look at the poster, for example, you’d think a guy with horns would use them for cool things and i’m not even talking about fetish shit (although that would’ve been a welcome addition). But no. The only things the horns do is make people say and do what they really think deep down. Like a bottle of Jäger without the rush.
Still, there were some good tunes, though, so i’ll put up two shots for that. Like there was Marilyn Manson’s version of “Personal Jesus” while journalists got into a brawl.
Plus the action at the end got good, especially with all the snake attacks.
Anyway whatever, here’s a lot of the soundtrack:
Directed by: Alexandre Aja
Juno Temple – Merrin Williams
Heather Graham – Veronica
Kelli Garner – Glenna Shepherd
Kendra Anderson – Nurse Delilah
Daniel Radcliffe – Ig Perrish
The film is Gwyneth Paltrow: it looks good, even if it gets a little lost and pretentious.
The review is finished, let the revue begin. From here on out, let’s call it NSFW.
[AllKHallism: i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child’s film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. While Maleficant was PG, The Bar None: High and Dry is definitely NC-18. If you keep reading beyond this point, you only have yourself to blame, perv.]
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Lana Del Ray – Once Upon a Dream
[Press ‘Play’ for sleepy beauty]
As i’m posting this review a day before its US release, i’m posting a screen shot i snapped as proof i actually did see this.
Final Proof: 4½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a blonde? She sits down at your table and you know exactly what tricks she’s got up her sleeves so you settle in with a smirk on your face and sip your drink while you wait for her to get ridiculous and puke in her purse. But right from the beginning she seems normal and even a little cool, so you sit up and take notice and start getting into the conversation with her while she casts her spell on you. The amazing thing is she doesn’t get drunker and sloppier and stupider but gets more interesting and more sincere and by the end of the binge you’re praying she can pull off her exit without letting you down, breaking your heart and cursing your luck. Fortunately, she takes her leave with subtle magic and you’re so impressed with your evening you stand up and applaud as she walks away. Angelina Jolie is not that blonde, but Maleficant sure is.
The best movie i’ve seen so far this year. i don’t worship at the cult of Angelina Jolie, i’m Disney neutral – neither loving nor hating everything they do on principal because i have none – i’m older than 9 (though i don’t usually act like it), and i thought this movie killed. One of the things i liked best about it was that it gets better as it goes on. Every other movie i’ve seen in recent memory starts off interesting and then keeps fading until it’s basically trying to end with as much dignity as it can muster before ending up in a walk of shame. Not Maleficent and not by a long shot.
i’m just glad i got to see Maleficent before the US release because i know you guys and you’re going to find new and usual ways to hate on this film. Fortunately, i saw it before the haters got their eyes on it so i get these few days where i can enjoy the movie with a buzz as pure and innocent as Sleeping Beauty on lite beer.
Looking back on this movie, there are no real missteps (which is official movie review talk for ‘fuck-ups’) and, to be totally honest, the first ¾s of the film were above average but still average adjacent. What pushed this film over the top for me was how it took the traditional bullshit Disney concept of “True Love” being akin to date rape and turned it on its ass.
Who should see this? Parents and their kids. i couldn’t scare up any children to take to this but one of the things that impressed me was how the stereotypes were challenged, so little kids might have trouble seeing the shades of grey that lay beneath the vibrant colors. Kids older than 10 or whatever, should get this though. Especially if they’re your kids because you’re clearly in the top 10% of smart people, seeing as how you’re reading this blog and all. Also those people who have a little kid living inside them, kicking and screaming and laughing and crying and farting and feeling everything just a touch too deeply.
Who shouldn’t see this film? Jaded mother fuckers looking to get their rocks off. Tired souls who aren’t looking to feel but to be felt. Soulless zombies who’ve forgotten how to live. But if that’s you, you wouldn’t be here, you’d be trashing me on reddit.
Before we go any further, i have to card two of the actresses. As they’re under 18, i won’t post any pictures of them in the sexy section of this post and i won’t post any sexy candids of them. i’ll include only photos the actresses posed for on purpose.
First up is Elle Fanning (16) who will be beautiful when she’s 18 or over. She was perfect for the role of Aurora / Sleeping Beauty because she’s talented enough to act well but young enough to channel the innocence she’s got running in her veins and bring it to the surface. There was a genuine purity to her performance that it reached down from the screen and touched me.
Also just in under the wire is Ella Purnell, who played Teen Maleficent, a role she’s perfectly qualified to play, being that she’s 17 and all.
Sex: 1 Shot
Angelina Jolie was hot in a Skeletor way and that’s not even a joke. She did a good job acting as well, but her job was a lot easier than Aurora (Elle Fanning) because basically Maleficent is just a bitch through most of the movie and delivers all her lines in this smoldering bitchy way which seems to come pretty easy to Angelina.
Still, this was a good movie and she was the star so i gotta give credit where it’s due, especially when remembering she can look like this, or at least she did once upon a time.
There are a lot more single shots of her stuffed in my drawers at the far bottom of this post.
Also appearing in Maleficent is the ultra hot Juno Temple. “Juno Temple?” “No, but i’d like to.” She plays a CGI fairy and she even looks cute when she’s a computer copy of herself, and if this isn’t the next porn thing, well, then something else probably will be.
Gobs more shots of her looking far sexier in the drawers. Scroll all the way down.
For the Silken Butterflies in Maleficent, we have two beautiful women who were on screen only long enough to make us wish they were on a lot more.
Starting off is the lovely Hannah New and i bet she did when she decided to look gorgeous. She plays the Princess Leila and while she doesn’t have nearly enough screen time, her charm fills the screen while she’s there.
Following that up is the lovely Marama Corlett, who played a servant but did it while looking this good.
As for the sex in Maleficent, i’d be lying if i said there wasn’t any because there was, if you count two kisses as ‘sex’.
None. Not even, any magic potions. Keep moving, nothing to read here.
Rock & Roll: 3 shots
The only real music was the Lana Del Ray and, let’s be honest, i think Lana Del Ray is the coolest thing since whatever the fuck this is
but she’s not rock and roll. The incidental music wasn’t rock and roll either, but the special effects were pretty rock and roll. There were a couple action scenes even if this isn’t an action movie and the cinematography (fancy film-speak for ‘the purdy pictures’) was purdy. i’ll go 3 shots on that shit.
Written by Linda Woolverton
Based on the story “La Belle au bois dormant” by Charles Perrault
Directed by: Robert Stromberg
Elle Fanning – Aurora
Angelina Jolie – Maleficent
Juno Temple – Thistletwit
Hannah New – Princess Leila
Ella Purnell – Teen Maleficent
Marama Corlett – Servant
If you’re cool enough to have made it this far, you should definitely see this movie.
Basically everything from here on out is especially NC-18 and NSFW. Good luck.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to Reese Witherspoon, Zooey Deschanel, Kate Upton and Cara Delevignge…
Aerosmith – Love in an Elevator
[Press ‘Play’ for “Drunk in an elevator / Throwing it up after tossing it down…“]
Have you ever played that game, “If you could invite any 5 living people to a dinner party, who would it be?” Well, imagine you play that game, and then those 5 people ended up having dinner together. Freaky, right?
You know me (and if you don’t, you ought to know better), i’m not as intelligent as you, so i don’t play that game. When it’s not with myself, i play “What four people would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?” After years of perfecting my selection, i came up with the definitive list of four people i want to be stuck in an elevator with and it’s this:
All drunk, of course.
Even more surprising than the perfection of this list is the fact that it all came true, even the drunk part. Here’s the video proof of that.
That vid is also all the proof i need to know that Reese Witherspoon doesn’t read my blog. i already said once in a post where i talked about Cara Delevingne being a LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober Honey), that the correct pronunciation of her name is “Car-ah De La Vagina“. Well, Reese was unaware so when she met Cara, hilarity ensued when she tried to pronounce Cara’s name. Also because she was drunk.
Speaking of her name, here’s a sound bite of Cara pronouncing the alternate, non “de la vagina” version of her name:
i have also come to the official conclusion that Cara Delevingne is not a L.U.S.H., but a young girl playing with the notion of bisexuality and everything else she can get her hands on. i do have photographic proof of that as well, of course.
Anyway, there’s tons of NSFW shots of this hot mess at the very bottom of these dregs.
Have you thanked your booze today?
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
From simple fan to simpleton blogger, my pupee, my mental, my proto-gay Saint Pauly’s website is building an audience in its own right. Let’s face it, he’s funnier than i am and i’m not just saying that because his WTF!? website is taking off and i have to stay on his good side.
Check out this review of another hot bisexual, if you don’t believe me.
What follows is NSFW. You’ve been warned, and you shouldn’t be reading the above shit at work anyway.
Before ya’ll get your collective panties (and you oughta stop with that, it’s all kinds of not sanitary) about how i’m bullshitting my way through this review because The Grand Budapest doesn’t come out for another 3 days…check this out.
See that date? 26/02/2014, babe. So i was in the Hotel, soiling the sheets and raiding the mini bar way before you got here.
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with a girl you like? She’s kind of your friend but you’ve always wanted to take it to the next level because she’s cute and funny and sexy and even a little dirty and finally she tells you to meet her in a room at the Motel 6 with a bottle of bargain tequila and a box of condoms. So you spend the day in sticky anticipation of all the liquid fun in store for the evening but like all pleasures that get put off, there comes a moment when it’s more fun to wait than consecrate, to anticipate than consummate. The hotel room you meet in is a poor excuse of a bedroom and what you imagined her lips would feel like, what you thought her skin would smell like, what you hoped her body would taste like was far softer, sweet your imagination of her body was more delicious than her body itself. Not that she’s ugly by any stretch, it’s just she sports the ass of someone you like and not love so you don’t really get into it. The Grand Budapest was like that ass, no matter how drunk you get, you appreciate how good it looks but you just can’t get deeply into it.
i don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe i was too tired but The Grand Budapest didn’t open for me. i feel bad about this on so many levels that i’m tempted to lie here and say i loved it because i’ve heard the rumors that this is Wes Anderson’s break out movie and if any director deserves a break out, it’s Wes.
All the ingredients were there for a successful cocktail even. The script was well written, the story was engaging, the actors were amazing (Fiennes and the little boy (Tony Revolori as Zero) were perfect) and the look, the style the feel of the film was the best part. It looked like a delicious pastry from your favorite bakery.
Why i didn’t like it is more elusive because i’m not sure, so let’s talk this through and see if we can’t figure it out. i think one of the problems is that, like the cake, it was too sweet but not nourishing enough. Like Wes had followed the recipe to the letter and get the cake that looked exactly like the picture in the cookbook, but my tastes run more towards the improvised, the surprise.
Here’s some excuses as for why i didn’t get into Hotel:
You know how you sit in the can for a long time trying to make a deposit and you feel the need and you keep trying and pushing but nothing comes from it? That’s how i felt in the movie theater, trying to force myself to love The Grand Budapest and just not succeeding. Maybe i’ll try to watch it again and stay awake through the whole thing this time.
You know what i’d really like? If you’re feeling especially generous maybe you could see the film and tell me how wrong i am in the comments. Shame me into liking this film, goddammit.
WATCH OUT! SOME OF WHAT FOLLOWS IS NSFW!
Sex: 0 Shots
Yeah, no big surprise here. Wes isn’t really known for his steamy sex scenes. Which is cool because going to a Wes Anderson film for the sex scenes is like going to church for rationality. Fortunately you got me here to give you a hand…so to speak.
Like there was Saoirse Ronan as Agatha. i was so glad to see her here and doing a good job acting because i thought Stephenie Meyer broke her when Saoirse starred in The Host. Apparently, however, Saoirse is more resilient than Kristen Stewart doing Twilight because Ms Ronan holds her own here–but not anyone else’s. Which is why i’m posting this.
The same lack of sexiness carried over to hot French babe Léa Seydoux, which is pronounced like “Say Do” but she says “don’t” throughout this whole movie because she’s not in it very long and even if she plays a French Maid, it’s not even half as sexy as it sounds. Here’s a wallpaper of her trying not to be sexy too, by hiding her boobs from us but she’s only partially successful.
If you made it past that, here’s the blow by blow:
Drink: 2 Shots
i was pretty surprised actually. i never woulda thought it’d have gone up this high but there you have it. There were pretty regular references to drinking, even if drinking wasn’t key to the script.
Bring Pouilly-Fuissé 1926 so we don’t have to drink the cat piss in the dining car.
Ralph Fiennes / M. Gustave packing before a train trip
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
C’mon people, you don’t go to a Wes Anderson film for the rock.
Wes Anderson & Hugo Guinness – Story
Wes Anderson – Screenplay
Directed by: Wes Anderson
Saoirse Ronan – Agatha
Léa Seydoux – Clotilde
Ralph Fiennes – M. Gustave
F. Murray Abraham – Mr. Moustafa
Willem Dafoe – Jopling
My suggestion to you is to definitely see it, especially if you like Wes Anderson and to ignore everything i think about it.
Nothing clever from here on out, unless you think NSFW T&A is clever. In which case, what’s coming is fucking brilliant.