From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Rob Pattinson – It’s All On You
[Press 'Play' for something far too genuine for Twilight]
Here’s the mandatory cell phone shots as proof
Yeppers, the date on the poster is 11/16/12 and here i am posting this on 11/14/12 because we got this in Yeaman on Wednesday. Don’t be hating, rather be thanking me for sacrificing myself by seeing this before you so i can warn you away shouting “Save Yourselves!” while i try to wash the shit from my stinking eyes.
Ramblings: Breaking Down
Final Proof: 1 ½ Shots
You know how you you get drunk at Applebees? You’re surrounded not by cliche’s but by imitation cliches printed up in some factory in Boonies, Iowa and the beer tastes like beer but the buzz doesn’t feel like drunk rather like whatever the opposite of motion sickness is like stagnation sickness or demotion sickness because Applebees doesn’t go anywhere and makes you feel lower than when you started like fake snow just sitting at the bottom of a cheap plastic snow globe waiting for something to shake it up and make things happen but you can keep waiting because the waitresses keep changing and you can’t find any consistency beyond the sissy mocktails that keep appearing in front of you refusing to get you off like the hostess in her fake uniform standing not like a clone but like a robot of a clone. In the end the drama is as hollow as the cheap snow globe and the love is as sincere as the smile of an aging waitress stuck in the middle of her second shift. That’s what Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 2) reeks of.
“You just marked your territory on my leg, asshole.”
To be fair, i knew i wasn’t gonna like Twilight: BD 2 even before i went. To be super fair, i hated it even worse than i thought i ever could and to be super fucking fair they didn’t have to make it so goddamn easy to hate it.
Seriously, they didn’t even try to live up to the previous episodes. i felt like i was humping a prostitute whose makeup was rapidly disintegrating and she’d stopped caring long before i did and she already had my money so she wasn’t even going to pretend to try, just lie there and wait for it all to end. Which reminds me of the ending to this movie and i’m not going to give away any spoilers here but What The Hell, people? i don’t know if the ending of the book is the same of the movie but oh my god, if the book ended the same way i don’t get why teens all over the nation didn’t band together and burn Stephanie Meyer at the stake with a bonfire built of the last pages of this flaming shit.
A Better End
Was it really so bad? No, of course not…it was way fucking worse than that. Take the special effects. The effects were ‘special’ all right, short bus, safety leash, drool cup special. Who knew you could do CGI with a kindergarten pencil? You know what they CGIed here, because i’m gonna tell you right now. They CGIed the fucking baby and made it look like a monkey in a dress with Steve Buscemi’s face.
What else was bad? i can’t say the acting was bad—because there wasn’t any acting. It was just a bunch of interchangeable people standing around looking at each other and pouting. There was already no content to the story so they took this concept about as rich as decaf airplane tea and watered it down to make it last 2 hours. i’d like to say the script was bad, so i will. The script was fucking horrible with jokes that fell flat, inconsistencies and what the fucks aplenty, and characters who appear and disappear for no reason.
“That’s right, Renesmee, slap mommy again. She was a bad mommy who did the nasty with the bad director.”
Here’s what i hope. i hope at least one person reading this is offended and pissed off and leaves a comment full of venom and vitriol [it must me a word, spell check didn't flag it] defending this movie because i would love to see what anyone can see in this movie. Please, i’m begging you here people, one fucking redeemable quality, that’s all i ask.
Speaking of redeemable qualities, Dakota Fanning is now officially 18 but i think some of the shots floating to the bottom of the barrel online are still of her underage so i prefer to card her here and i’ll make more of an effort to find sexy pics for next time. Nothing age inappropriate going on in the Bar None.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
Sure, the women here are very attractive and they stay that way until their pert little lips slowly part and the insipid comments and flat voices fall out of their mouths like a dead tongue wanting to be french kissed.
We might as well start off with Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan dive) who shows some of her bare back and kind of rapes Rob Pattinson with her super human vampire strength in a scene that probably isn’t too far from reality and goes a long way towards explaining why Rupert Sanders ended up her huntsman. Here’s some happy hunting, to be sure. Let us prey.
Kristen Stewart Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
i got more single shots of Kristen in my drawers, down at the bottom. All you gotta do is click on the “Read More” link at the end of the review to open up that can of worm.
The coolest actress in this one by far was Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen) who is one sexy badass. Unfortunately, she’s absent for most of the movie and when you see the whole movie you understand why her character chose to flee at the beginning. Here’s what you missed.
Ashley Greene Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There are single shots of her in my drawers as well, at the end of the review.
Speaking of underused as a tampon in a Vampire’s bathroom, the ultimate Maggie Grace soaked up the screen while she filled it, but was discarded far to quickly and easily for my taste. Here’s something more lingering for you to savor.
Maggie Grace Bar None Booze Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
More shots of her in my drawers as well. What can i say, i have busy drawers tonight.
There were several ladies who lit up the screen and my only complaint about them is that they weren’t up there more than they were.
For example, there was Casey LaBow as Kate.
Angela Sarafyan as Tia:
Angela Sarafyan 01 in the Bar None
And the stunning Christie Burke as “Renesmee (Young Woman)”
For those of you more into the pricks than the sucking, Jacob (Taylor Lautner) hooks up with Renesmee which is weird enough when you think he spends half his life as a where wolf, but what’s even worse is that he “imprints” on her when she’s just born. Wow. i’m pretty sure imprinting on chicks without consent is against the law in every state except Alaska because they grow ‘em different up there but jesus, imprinting on a minor? On a baby minor?!
Are you understanding me, people? In this story, a giant dog falls in love with a newborn. Can you wrap your head around this? It’s fucking pedo-bestaility and this movie is rated PG-13? Where i come from this a special kind of sick and the only kind of punishment cruel and unusual enough for that shit is to make the guilty partiers watch Twilight Breaking Down (Part 2) in a loop.
“Please stop imprinting on me Uncle Jacob. It’s creepy and leaves stains on my dress.”
To punish Taylor, i’m posting a wallpaper of him with not just a shirt on, but a whole suit. You know what Taylor Lautner can do to a suit? Make it look pretty fucking ridiculous.
Taylor Lautner Suit Up Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Last on my least is Robert Pattinson who i feel for. Really. OK, so he can’t act, no one else in this movie can anyway. More importantly, he’s young and handsome and his hot girlfriend cheated on him in front of the whole world. It’s bad enough to be humiliated but to be humiliated on a global level…for your shame to go viral, man, that’s a new brand of suck for you to deal with. Plus, he’s so confused he even took her back which just means it’s going to happen again. Trust me. i know. It. Will. Happen. Again. Poor bastard. And he’s such a talented mother fucker as well and if you don’t believe me just go up and listen to the song i posted at the beginning of this post that you didn’t listen to when you had the chance and you should’ve. Poor bastard.
Robert Pattinson Musician Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i got some drunk shots of him floating in my drawers, as well.
Drink: 0 Shots
- J Jenks drinks whiskey in a Seattle restaurant
- Dad drinks beer while opening presents
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
i almost could’ve gone ½ shot on this but the fight scene at the end was the least boring scene and then they even rip that out from under you.
“I can beat you with one hand stuck up my ass.”
Here’s how Rock and Roll this movie was. Bella’s first kill as a vampire: She renounces a human kill for a deer—already very tame—but then she attacks a cougar that is jumping to attack the deer. Yes. The only time we see her feed in the whole movie is when she’s saving a deer’s life.
The least bad song of the movie is “The Forgotten” by Green Day.
There was also a nice song i can’t find a good copy of online called “All I’ve Ever Needed” by Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed (who also plays Rosalie Hale in the film).
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Stephenie Meyer(novel Breaking Dawn)
Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay)
Directed by: Bill Condon
Starring
Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan
Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen
Maggie Grace – Irina
Dakota Fanning – Jane
Andrea Powell – Sasha
Casey LaBow – Kate
Angela Sarafyan – Tia
Christie Burke – Renesmee (Young Woman)
Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black
Bottom Line
Never. Don’t you ever. Don’t you dare.
Click to Read My Slaughter of Breaking Dawn Part 1
Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Put a stake through the heart of this post ’cause it’s dead and gone. All that’s left is the pretty pictures of the actors and actresses. Click on the “Continue Reading” link to see what that’s like.
