From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Karen O covering “The Immigrant Song”
[Press 'Play' for The Shit]
Ramblings: Draggin’ Tattoo
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with a journalist? Sure they know how to drink and they pound them back before you can blink, but their bar chatter doesn’t matter ’cause it’s nothing more than radio static when they give you the facts and nothing but the facts, man, the facts are cold and not all that hard, in fact. Maybe what would be cool would be a little life, a little feeling, something with more dimension than the page because if you want to get involved with this guy you’re gonna need something deeper than drink and juicier to sink your teeth into than just paper. More than just words. Unfortunately, words is all we get with The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.
The first thing they teach you in preschool fiction classes is “Wipe your ass when you take a dump”. The second, and ultimately less important lesson is, “Show, don’t tell.” Then it’s, “Write what yo know,” but right now i’m talking about rule number 2. This means it’s better to describe someone eating their own tongue because they’re just that hungry rather than saying, “He was rather peckish.”
Steig Larson did a good job of this in his books that i even read for once, but the problem is that when you read the books you’re like, oh my god that was intense because he shows (and not tells) his shit so well. Unfortunately, David Fincher thought if he showed the book then he’d do the same but movies don’t work like that. What zoomed by in the novels tripped up the script so that the movie fell on its face. Fincher knew the rules in Fight Club and Se7en but forgot about it for real by the time he got to Zodiac.
What “Fincher? I don’t even know her!” did, basically, was make a page by page movie of the book, which was good enough if you know how to read, but… Imagine a camera pointed at the page of a book and you have to read the page and then the director asks you if you’ve finished and when you have he turns the page.
Obviously the movie wasn’t that bad or else i wouldn’t have given it 3 shots. Fincher filmed flipping pages very stylistically. You know what the biggest problem i have is with this? The fucking opening credits with the song i tacked on up top were as cool as hell, but after that the movie was a lot of characters explaining their motivation for doing shit. i don’t want to hear them talk about shit, i want to watch them do it.
On the other hand, the casting was spot on, which makes sense if he’s doing a word by word version of the novel, but still, the people on screen are exactly the people i had in my head when i was sounding out the words for the big fat books. One interesting side effect of this was Rooney Mara, an American actress, speaking English with a Swedish accent because the movie takes place in Sweden. Either she should speak Swedish or normal English, right? i mean, Fincher is making a movie about Jules Verne’s Captain Nemo, so is he going to have Tom Cruise (or whoever) act with a French accent?
The final problem with this movie was the pacing. After 2 hours of explaining everything in minute detail, Son-of-a-Fincher looked at his watch and realized he still had half the book left so he went directly from 1st to 5th gear and rushed to get everything in so fast it looked like War & Peace as a 2 minute music video shot by McG. Nah, the problem with this Tattoo is that i can’t get it off and it can’t get me off either.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3 Shots
An interesting combination if you ask me because i’m a fan of skinny waifish types but not in the overly tattooed or heavily pierced (except Mrs D who has a very beautiful half sleeve and a couple tasteful piercings) and Rooney Mara goes both ways here.
Except the funky accent thing that i blame the director, Mara does a solid job as Lisbeth Salander. She invested a lot of herself in the role and came off as believable in the part which there was no way i was gonna believe before the first shots of her started dribbling out over the internet.
Here’s a mix of the before and the after.
You know how i know she threw herself into the role? She went all naked and didn’t even care who cared. Naked in the shower, naked twice in two different sex scenes and especially the second one. Don’t believe me if you don’t want to, i know how you are, but if you don’t you can check out inside my drawers at the bottom of this post for a NSFW poster of The Girl with Dragon Tattoo. Because i’m all about equality in posting, there’s also a NSFW picture of Daniel Craig in the bathtub being cocky.
Before that, though, Robin Wright was generous enough to be in this movie and act so well i didn’t even recognize it was her until i got back home because she looked so much like i’d imagined the character that i forgot it was an actress and not Erika Berger herself.
Something this Wright can’t be wrong.
More shots of her in the drawers, straight down there.
You know who else i found in TGWTDT? Joely Richardson and i’m not even kidding. She was the wife in Nip/Tuck and there and here in Tattoo she was beautiful as she was talented and that’s saying a lot. Check it out…
There are some très Joely pix of her in my drawers if you care enough to scroll down to the very best.
Lucky for us there were a lot of Silken Butterflies in this bad girl and i’m thinking it’s because the movie was shot in Sweden and you can’t swing a dead snowman up there without getting a little of the white stuff on some random hottie (and i’m talking about snow, you pervs).
For example, we got Anna Björk as Young Isabella Vanger who did a very good job acting young or maybe it came naturally because she looks as good as all this.
Then, because they got Silken Butterflies galore in this movie, we get Mathilda von Essen as Young Anita Vanger and this is where you need to start counting your blessings they had gobs of “Young” parts in the movie. This is what we were blessed with, for example.
Not to leave anyone out, there was also a Frenchie babe in this! Her name is Elodie Yung (told you they had a lot of Yung parts) and she played Miriam Wu who is the hottie who played with Lisbeth Salander and we even got to see them in bed and naked (especially Rooney/Lisbeth) the morning after they hooked up in the bar for what started as a finger bang and led to a full fledged bed explosion they didn’t show until the next morning when Daniel Craig stopped by Lisbeth’s place. Here’s what sucked Lisbeth in.
For those of you who are more into Tat than Ooze, there was Daniel Craig. Which goes something like this.
There’s a collage in the drawers that includes a NSFW photo of Daniel Craig going off half cocked.
Drink: 3 Shots
i was kinda surprised by this. Most of the drinking was incidental and had nothing to do with the plot so normally i shouldn’t be all going up to 3 shots but the sheer volume of the drinking and the drinking references caused my cup to overfloweth.
- Wine at post trial cocktail party
- Scotch while old guy tells story of mystery
- Wine for dinner that same evening
- Lisbeth arrested for intoxication [reference]
- Wine (claret) at Martin’s dinner party
- Emptying two mini bottles of vodka into a double on the plane
- Scotch in tall glasses before the fire
- Frode drinks scotch
- Many references to alcoholism in the family
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
[Press 'Play' for more intense Catherine-O / Reznor remake action action.]
And the first one was a bitter shot.
i’m referring, of course, to the rape scene. Because “Ha Ha Made You” Finch made a movie of the book he filmed the rape scene and it’s easier for me to read rape because i don’t understand all the big words so i can distance myself from it. i hate rape, no, really hate it. i hate it more than most people is what i’m saying so i got really uncomfortable watching the rape scenes here, but i also like to watch revenge stories so the revenge part was cool when Lisbeth got revenge. But not the rape part. i dunno, maybe it would’ve been better if the rest of the movie had the same amount of violence but, as it was, the violence stuck out like a sore loser.
The second shot comes from the tuneage, which was freaky cool because i liked it a lot in the movie but then when i came home and found it on the net and borrowed it, i didn’t like it so much except for the first song (the Zeppelin cover i put at the top) and the last song, the cover of Bryan Ferry’s “Is Your Love Strong Enough” which is just up there ↑.
Boring Technical Crap
Stieg Larsson (novel Män som hatar kvinnor)
Steven Zaillian (screenplay)
Directed by: David Fincher
Rooney Mara – Lisbeth Salander
Robin Wright – Erika Berger
Joely Richardson – Anita Vanger
Anna Björk – Young Isabella Vanger
Mathilda von Essen – Young Anita Vanger
Elodie Yung – Miriam Wu
Daniel Craig – Mikael Blomkvist
Go for it if you read the book and want to see what it looks like. If not, go and see the Swedish version and tell me how good it was.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Yes, there are some bare boobs and Daniel Craig going off half-cocked. Only go deeper if you want to go Daniel Craig’s balls deeper.