Battle of 5 Armies 09 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

0-5 Shots: The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Battle of 5 Armies 01 poster (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Not from the juiced-box but the soundtrack: Billy Boyd – The Last Goodbye

[Press ‘Play’ for maybe the only thing gayer than a hobbit]

For those reading this the day before the US release, here’s the smart phone proof i got to see it before y’all. Don’t hate the player, hate me.

Battle of 5 Armies 02 Collage (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Ramblings: Happy Ending

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

3  & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk on bumblewine with wee tiddlers in the Land of Nodd? The yarns they spindle numb your senses and you feel the weight of night petals settle over your eyes and pull you into Slumberland like a boat of Fire Mead. You’re able to dull out the incessant blades of their boredom as they harp out of tune tales meant for children and petty criminals. Just as you decide you’ll suckle the last dram from the bottom of the caphorn and be on your way, the stories finally become interesting. Like the whelm of the liquor, their tales turn to epic sagas of bravery and sacrifice, of blood and courage, of death and magic. You find yourself captivated by the heartbeat of their tongues, your eyes are regaled by their words and you’re happy you stayed the course and settle into the comfortable inebriation of the night realm. That’s what The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies was like.

Continue reading

Drunk Irish Girls wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Dregs of the Week: November 2014 (Thanks Forgiven)

Amanda Bynes 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Amanda Likes to get down in the Bar None

The dregs are back, bigger and bitter than ever. Like i got a drunk cheerleader picking up and going down on her kids’ friend, i got Koreans afraid the Irish will outdrink them, English people raising all kinds of hell in Thanksgiving-land, Amanda Bynes working for for me, shitfaced toddlers, laws you only have to obey when you want to, prosecuted prosecuting attorneys and so much fucking more you better start reading now before you run out of time to finish all the shit rising to the bottom. Even better, i have a present for y’all. That’s right, i got you guys a “Get out of jail drunk” card of your very own. Because that’s the kind of tender bartending mother fucker i am.

Not from the juiced-box, but dedicated to the Irish from the Koreans: SM Ballad – 내일은 (Another Day)

[Press play for a song that was banned in South Korea for promoting alcoholism with hardcore lines like “Drunk on alcohol so that I don’t miss you” and “If you fall asleep drunk, you dream“]

Commoner Dregs

November 6, 2014 The Drunk of the Irish

An Irish woman applied for a teaching job in Korea, probably because she wanted to stay drunk all the time and she knew that Koreans party like it’s nobody’s business except hers if she got the job. What makes it my business is that they told her she can’t teach there because she’s Irish which means for sure she’s probably an alcoholic. Here’s what he South Korean teaching agency had to say…

I am sorry to inform you that my client does not hire Irish people due to the alcoholism nature of your kind.

To be fair, i can’t help but agree with them. i mean, South Koreans drink more than any fuckers in the world. 4 times more than the whUSsies and 5 times more than the pussy Irish.

liquor-consumption2

So first the Koreans should know if someone drinks too much and second, the Irish chick wants to move to Korea so obviously she wants to drink 5 times more than she does now, right? i mean, why would anyone want to move to fucking South Korea? Has to be to stay shit faced all the time.

But you know me (and if you don’t you don’t know shit), i’m going to leave it up to y’all, the patronizers of the Bar None. Look at these two wallpapers and vote on which country is the most fucked up.

Drunk Irish Girls wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Drunk Irish Girls wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Drunk Korean Girls wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Drunk Korean Girls wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

My theory is South Koreans got the wrong impression about the Irish from watching too much Archer.

November 9, 2014 Arizona: My country, right or right

Speaking of places for alcoholics to live, y’all alcoholics should move to Arizona. They just voted on a proposition which says they don’t have to obey any government law they don’t want to. The good news for us is that it means we can do the same. Just go to Arizona and do any old fuck thing you want and if they give you shit about it, just say, “I don’t feel like recognizing your law as Constitutional.”.

Which is exactly what i aim to do for this one poor teacher.

Bar None dregs 01 Kathleen Jardine (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

That’ll teach her lesson

Kathleen was arrested (with a BAC of .205) because she was swearing at students while drinking white wine and screwdrivers before, in and after class. Sounds like she’s teaching some life lessons to me and besides, i’ve memorized the Constitution and nowhere does it say Thou Shalt Not Teach Drunk. All Kathleen has to do is say she doesn’t feel like obeying their “Drunk and Disorderly” law because it’s not Constitutional, and she can go home and resuscitate that bender.

November 8, 2014: Persecuting Attorney

While we’re talking about lawlessness, a New York City prosecutor handled a tough case of beer and was out of order at the bar where his actions drew contempt from all of those judging his poor demeanor. Manhattan prosecutor Eli Cherkasky grabbed this lady’s bags (like real bags, not a euphemism) and when she got pissed, he grabbed both her arms and was all,

Bitch! You’re a bitch! Hit me! Why don’t you hit me?

to which i hope she answered, “Because I don’t abuse animals, even pigs.”

Bar None dregs 03 Eli Cherkasky Mug Shot (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Eli Cherkasky Mug Shot

Then 5 minutes later, he called her a “Cunt”, pushed her to the ground and started choking her ass (not literally).

Eli may have passed the bar exam but he failed this bar exam. I don’t think he’ll be prosecuting himself, though, because he doesn’t even feel guilty.

November 11, 2014: Ain’t no party like a birthday party

Six tots under the age of 8 descended on a Joe’s Crab Shack in Colorado Springs, CO and ordered a round of drinks. They were served Kiddy Cocktails, hold the Kiddy [and if you do, they’ll never let you within 500 yards of a grade school again]. Unfortunately, the waitress came back shortly after and carded them told them their drinks had alcohol, so she took the beverages away, but not before one little 2-year-old had polished off her entire “Shark Nibble”.

Bar None dregs 02 Kathleen Jardine (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

That’s a good price for cooked kids

The good news for those of you under the age of 21: now you know where to go and what to order if you want to get Baby’s First Hangover.

July 14, 2013 (what!) A Big Turkey

Just in time for Thanksgiving, here’s your Turkey, where locals think the English are turkeys.

Bar None dregs 04 English in Turkey (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

You Turkeys!

What happened was is that the English tourists in Turkey drank until dawn which is when the Muslims go to pray because the early bird catches the best rug. So the holier than thems complained because there were drunk English people all over the place, just like every country that has English people in it.

Bar None dregs 05 Bloody Hell (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Bloody Hell

What the Turks don’t understand is that the Brits were partaking in their own rough sects. Boozing is sacred to the English, who drink religiously until they fall to their knees and call out to God at the white altar.

Celebrity Dregs

November 7, 2014 Amanda Bynes is a tender bartender

Amanda Bynes 2014-11-16 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Dear Ms Amanda Bynes,

i’m writing you with a job proposition and this one doesn’t involve a head or a hand like the last time. i know you’re looking for a job as a bartender and we have an open position for you here at the Bar None, and this time by ‘position’, i don’t mean Missionary, Peace sign, Butterfly, The Stopperage, The Yawning Position, The Octopus, The Viennese Oyster, The Leapfrog, Doggy style, Upright doggy, 69, Spread-eagle, Spoons, Inverted Missionary, Camel Ride, The Screw, The Cowgirl, The Italian Chandelier, Horizontal Reverse, The Proposal, The Split level, The Crabwalk, Watching the Game, The Armchair, The Black Bee, Persuading of the Debtor, or The Playing of the Cello. The salary, like the job and the Bar None, is 100% spurious, and i think you’ll like it because you spend most of your time in fantasy land already.

All the booze,

Al K Hall
Temporal Functional Alcoholic Spokesperson

PS One of the requirements of the job is that you stop the plastic surgery. You were cuter before you started and you’re only going to make things worse if you continue so quit while you’re less behind.

Molly Shattuck 01 Mug Shot (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)November 5, 2014: Molly Shattuck likes her boys like her whiskey: aged 15 years

There’s this 15 year old boy somewhere who’s a little sadder tonight because his cheerleader girlfriend got arrested and may go to jail for raping him. Oh yeah, because she’s 47. The once oldest NFL cheerleader first saw the kid’s photo on Instagram using her eyes and then got in touch with him using her mouth. And her hands.

In this case, though, two heads may not be better than one because, after she blew him off twice (and not the cold shoulder way), he never wanted to see her again, despite her wide open offer of free sex.

Molly Shattuck 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

C’mon, Molly, pick up someone your own size. And if you want someone to practice on, i can give you a tip.

Check this magic trick out. Here’s what Molly looks like hanging out with the kids…

Molly Shattuck 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

And here’s what she changes into when she goes the the police for her mug shot.

Molly Shattuck 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Ta-dumb!

More drunken cheerleaders? Coming right up…

Drunk Cheerleader Wallpaper - click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Drunk Cheerleader Wallpaper – click on the shot for a wallpaper

November 8, 2014 In Broken News

Elizabeth Vargas, a journalist in Chicago was fired because she showed up at work drunk a couple times and couldn’t finish a broadcast because she was drunk on air. Her defense was the “Fuck you” defense. “Fuck you because you knew i was an alcoholic when you hired me because you knew i got fired from my last job for being drunk all the time.”

Bar None dregs 06 Edna Schmidt (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

A News Flash

As an alcoholic in recovery, i kinda wish i’d had this defense when i was a drunk. Imagine being able to get away with all of your drunken fuck-ups just by saying you’re a drunk. “i’m sorry about running over your dog, officer, but i’m an alcoholic and you knew it because you already arrested me shitloads of times.”

You know what, though? Why should celebrities be the only ones to get of scotch free? Here’s your own, personal Get Out of Jail Drunk card. Feel free to carve out of your monitor and use it the next time you screw shit up with your drunk ass antics.

Get Out of Jail Drunk card (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

i sure could’ve used this card back when i was drinking because i did shit like

  • Made aquarium lips on the window of a restaurant on the Champs Elysées
  • Asked friends if i could sleep with their girlfriends
  • Made my sister the designated driver on her 21st birthday

Yeah, i’ve done a lot of shit where a get out of jail drunk card woulda come in handy. What about you? Care to share any embarrassing drunk stories with us here at the Bar None? Leave a comment in the Tip jar. (BTW, the Tip Jar is the “Comments” section.)

2014-11-14 Big Ass Ass

Kim Kardashian 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Booze goes striaght to her ass

Kim Kardashian’s ass isn’t just big, it’s opera big. Because she’s trying to turn all the public attention away from the story that I uncovered about how she had a dwarf’s baby, she decided to pose completely nude on the cover of some made up magazine no one ever heard of and probably doesn’t exist. Then, to make sure she got my attention, she posed with champagne everywhere to make sure i knew she was in the Bar None. As i’m always one to oblige, here’s Kim in all her glory hole.

As long as she doesn’t think i’ve forgotten her dwarf baby.

Watch out, y’all because what’s coming up won’t go back down: it’s too NSFW, even NSFWer than all the shit you just read before. You’ve been warned.

Remember how last time i offended everyone by talking politics? i threw my unconditional support against Free the Nipple over and over again to defend Chelsea Handler and her indictment of Instagram’s refusal to publish pictures of her boobs. This week sees another cause pop up strongly, namely Keira Knightley bravely throwing her naked body upon us to show she’s not a slave to Photoshop. i also don’t approve of Photoshopping hot people, so i’m posting this picture in her defense.

Keira Knightley (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Brave lass

And, while we’re on the Free Nipple subject, here’s my contribution to the cause with another KK pic, only this time it’s Kim Kardashian in the Bar None.

Kim Kardashian 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Damn, it’s hard being so political. So very hard.

Bar None Dregs

If you think this website is funny, you’re right. But Saint Pauly over at WTF!? (Watch the Film) isn’t so bad either.

123 WTF!? (Watch the Film)

Click on the pic for the chuckles

As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Michelle Rodriguez, Cara Delevignge, Karlie Kloss, Taylor Swift (AlKHall Bar None)

October 2014 Dregs of the Week: Taylor Swift is a LUSH

Karlie Kloss Bar None Wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Karlie Kloss Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Most definitely not from the juiced-box, here’s a song i’m dedicating to Karlie Kloss from Taylor Swift…who’s performing at a Victoria’s Secret show.

Taylor Swift – I Knew You Were Trouble

Celebrity Dregs

October 30: Taylor Swift and the NBA (No Boys Allowed)

LUSH. If you don’t know what this stands for, you’ll fall for anything. LUSH is the Bar None acronym for Lesbian Until Sober Honey and i’m not saying Taylor Swift is a LUSH, i’m saying i hope she is or at least that she’ll take pictures of her trying to be.

Michelle Rodriguez, Cara Delevignge, Karlie Kloss, Taylor Swift (AlKHall Bar None)

Kind of like Cara Delevingne did with Michele Rodriguez. In fact, there are more similarities than you might realize.

Like Cara and a Taylor were both photographed drinking alcohol. In the company of another woman. At a basketball game. The only difference is that Taylor was drinking with a beautiful woman, and Cara was with Michelle Rodriguez. Still, since Cara and Michelle broke up, maybe Taylor can score with Cara on the rebound. There’s a match-up that would start me dribbling.

Taylor’s date was Karlie “Lip” Kloss, a hot lingerie model and my investigative journalism skills once again paid off once again because i figured out how they hooked up. And Cara Delevignge is the missing link. Check it out.

[Proof of my famous investigative journalism skillz: Justin Bieber kills a man, Kim Kardashian has a dwarf baby]

Cara is a model alcoholic and she had a few drinks with Lip Kloss which got Kloss all wet and shiny. But then Cara found Michelle, which left Karlie high and not dry at all but still wet and shiny. So Karlie went out and found herself her own, next-better thing: Tay-Tay. Ta-da!

There’s more shots of Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in my drawers at the bottom of this post. Just keep scrolling down ’til you start getting warmer.

October 31 2014: Chelsea Out-of-Handler

You know me (and if you don’t, i wouldn’t be the first), i don’t give a shit about politics and shit like that. i’m just happy sitting here making you happy, but something other than me came across my desk the other day and i feel compelled to share it with you.

 Chelsea Handler in the Bar None Wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Dregs Bar None)


Chelsea Handler in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

American comic Chelsea Handler posted a picture of herself naked on top of a horse because Putin did. Except Chelsea didn’t do it to prove her boobs were as big as the Great Outhouse, but to protest the fact he can show his nipples and she can’t.

Chelsea Handler 01 v Putin (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Chelsea Handler v Putin: Who’d you rather?

Now i like causes as much as the next guy, if the next guy is passed out in a pool of his own vomit at a I-don’t-care-about-causes bar. But if there’s one cause i’m willing to stand up for, it’s Free the Nipple. Now, don’t be confused like me and think the cause is to give free nipples to every one, because that would so rock hard, but it’s almost as good because they want chicks, sorry, girls to be able to show their nipples all over the place like men, except so much fucking hotter.

To prove i’m way cooler than Instagram, who censored her photo, i’m going to post the full original shot because i’m all about the political aspect of this and defending rights and equality and feminism and shit. Here at the Bar None, we’re Instagraphic:

Chelsea Handler 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

 

BTW, to keep the protest going, here’s another shot Chelsea posted on Instagram. Hell, i’m just happy to be here and help out. Fight the Power.

Chelsea Handler 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Bar None Dregs

If you think this website is funny, you’re right. But also pretty funny is this guy over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).

123 WTF!? (Watch the Film)

Click on the logo for the laughs

As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall

What follows is just sexy shots of the girls. Read on at your own risk because it’s even not safe for worker than the shit you just read.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Karlie Kloss

Karlie Kloss 01 see through (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Karlie Kloss 02 see through (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Karlie Kloss 03 side boob (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Karlie Kloss 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Karlie Kloss 05 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Karlie Kloss 06 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Karlie Kloss 07 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Karlie Kloss 08 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Karlie Kloss in the Bar None

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift 01 side boob (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Taylor Swift 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Taylor Swift 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Harry Styles Exes Bar None Wallpaper - Click on the Photo for a Wallpaper

Dregs: Hairy Styles

Harry Styles Exes Bar None Wallpaper - Click on the Photo for a Wallpaper

Harry Styles’ Exes in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Photo for a Wallpaper

There’s only one direction to go from here and that’s further down. Read on to see exactly what Harry styles. (Hint: it’s puke.)

Here’s a ditty NOT from my juiced-box, dedicated to Harry and his Exes: One Direction – Up All Night

[Click on the link to find out why Harry was Up All Night. Hint: He was puking.]

Hairy Styles Cannot Hold His Liquor

The proof is, he keeps throwing it up all over the place.

There’s this English kid called Hairy Styles which sounds more like a fashion statement than a name but that’s how they roll in jolly olde England. If you’ve never heard of this guy don’t worry, i haven’t either. My ignorance isn’t all that surprising, though, when you realize i know everything there is to know about good music.

The reason i’m babbling on about this kid is because this photo was splattered all over the front page of the Internet a while back. Seems Hairy had to pull over and stomach sneeze.

Harry Styles vomit puke 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Harry Styles vomit puke 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

At first i thought he’d been innocently listening to the radio when all of a sudden one of his own songs came on and, before he could change the station, he heard enough of it to make him hurl. Turns out there was a contributing factor. In addition to getting sick on his own tunes, he also had a hangover from drinking the night before with Lily Allen at the Nice Guy Bar in LA.

Harry Styles after the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Harry Styles after the Bar None

My assumption that his music was to blame is understandable, though, when you realize the effect One Direction’s “songs” (and i use the term as loosely as a whore’s vagina after giving birth at a donkey show) have on humanity at large. For example, check out these poor, impressionable young things that accidentally heard One Direction…

One Direction fans 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

The music is killing us from the inside!!!!!

One Direction fans 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“Oh my god, mom! They raped my ears with their limp penis pop!”

One Direction fans 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“I’m ruined for life! I can’t un-hear it! I CAN’T UNHEAR IT!”

One Direction fans 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“You have a One Direction Ringtone!? Make It Staaahhhppp!!!!”

One Direction fans 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“The noises you make are making me vomit!!!”

One Direction fans 05 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“My ears! My ears! Clean them with bleach!!!”

One Direction fans 06 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“How much pain can one girl bear!? I just got my period and now this!”

Which is not to say all girls hate the band, but One Direction fans are a special breed.

One Direction Psycho 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction Psycho 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction Psycho 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

And collectively, these fan girls have formed the Nutsy party with the intention of eliminating all traces of good music from the planet with an ordered and systematic final solution. They’ve even given an old salute a modern twist to hail their leader.

One Direction Nutsy salute 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction Nutsy salute 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction Nutsy salute 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction Nutsy salute 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

But if you’re a One Direction fan and would like to date one of the members of this boys bandwagon, look at the following photographs of Hairy Styles’ exes and ask yourself: 1) Am I that hot? 2) Do I drink that much? If the answer to either is “No”, then send me an email with a naked picture of yourself (or at least topless) and then we’ll see which direction we go.

Cara Delevingne

Cara Delevingne 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Cara Delevingne 000 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Taylor Swift 000 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Taylor Swift in the Bar None

Kendall Jenner

Kendall Jenner 01 see through (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kendall Jenner 000 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kendall Jenner in the Bar None

Kimberly StewartKimberly Stewart 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kimberly Stewart 000 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kimberly Stewart in the Bar None

Caggie Dunlop

Caggie Dunlop in the Bar None Wallpaper - Click on the shot for a Wallpaper (AlKHall Dregs Bar None)

Caggie Dunlop in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Emily Atack

Emily Atack 00 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Emily Atack 000 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Emily Atack in the Bar None

Emily Ostilly

Emma Ostilly 00 (AlKHall Bar None dregs)

Emma Ostilly 000 outside the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None dregs)

Emma Ostilly outside the Bar None

Felicity Skinner

Felicity Skinner (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Felicity Skinner in the Bar None(AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Felicity Skinner in the Bar None

Kara Rose Marshall

Kara Rose Marshall (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kara Rose Marshall in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kara Rose Marshall in the Bar None

Caroline Flack

Caroline Flack 00 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Caroline Flack in the Bar None

Bar None Dregs

Let me take a moment now to raise a glass of Pepsi Max and and drink a dry toast to Saint Pauly over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). A few years ago he started his little blog where he imitated my writing style (the sick bastard), and after a few emails, i encouraged him to be his gay self and press on. Well, last week was the first week that WTF!? (Watch the Film) surpassed this blog in total readers, so i want to congratulate him on well deserved success. And to take some credit for it. And to tell him now he has to start promoting the shit out of this blog, for a change.

His latest review is…

WTF!? review of Behaving Badly

As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

Bar None Drawers

Prints to share with your friends and Facebook page

Wrong Direction (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

One Direction meme 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction meme 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction meme 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction meme 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction meme 05 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

What lies beyond is even more NSFW than the shit you just saw.

Cara Delevingne

Cara Delevingne 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Cara Delevingne 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Cara Delevingne 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Taylor SwiftTaylor Swift 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Taylor Swift 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Taylor Swift 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kendall Jenner

Kendall Jenner 00 see through (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kimberly Stewart

Kimberly Stewart 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Emily Atack

Emily Atack 01 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze) Emily Atack 02 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze) Emily Atack 03 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Caggie DunlopCarrie Dunlop 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Carrie Dunlop 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Emma Ostilly

Emma Ostilly 01 (AlKHall Bar None dregs) Emma Ostilly 02 (AlKHall Bar None dregs)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Maleficent 13 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

0-5 Shots: Maleficent

[AllKHallism: i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child’s film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. While Maleficant was PG, The Bar None: High and Dry is definitely NC-18. If you keep reading beyond this point, you only have yourself to blame, perv.]

Maleficent 01 poster (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Lana Del Ray – Once Upon a Dream

[Press ‘Play’ for sleepy beauty]

As i’m posting this review a day before its US release, i’m posting a screen shot i snapped as proof i actually did see this.

Maleficent 02 proof (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Ramblings: Magneficent

Final Proof: 4½ Shots

4 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk with a blonde? She sits down at your table and you know exactly what tricks she’s got up her sleeves so you settle in with a smirk on your face and sip your drink while you wait for her to get ridiculous and puke in her purse. But right from the beginning she seems normal and even a little cool, so you sit up and take notice and start getting into the conversation with her while she casts her spell on you. The amazing thing is she doesn’t get drunker and sloppier and stupider but gets more interesting and more sincere and by the end of the binge you’re praying she can pull off her exit without letting you down, breaking your heart and cursing your luck. Fortunately, she takes her leave with subtle magic and you’re so impressed with your evening you stand up and applaud as she walks away. Angelina Jolie is not that blonde, but Maleficant sure is.

Maleficent 03 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

‘High’ Five

The best movie i’ve seen so far this year. i don’t worship at the cult of Angelina Jolie, i’m Disney neutral – neither loving nor hating everything they do on principal because i have none – i’m older than 9 (though i don’t usually act like it), and i thought this movie killed. One of the things i liked best about it was that it gets better as it goes on. Every other movie i’ve seen in recent memory starts off interesting and then keeps fading until it’s basically trying to end with as much dignity as it can muster before ending up in a walk of shame. Not Maleficent and not by a long shot.

Maleficent 04 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Maleficent uses her Roofie spell

i’m just glad i got to see Maleficent before the US release because i know you guys and you’re going to find new and usual ways to hate on this film. Fortunately, i saw it before the haters got their eyes on it so i get these few days where i can enjoy the movie with a buzz as pure and innocent as Sleeping Beauty on lite beer.

Looking back on this movie, there are no real missteps (which is official movie review talk for ‘fuck-ups’) and, to be totally honest, the first ¾s of the film were above average but still average adjacent. What pushed this film over the top for me was how it took the traditional bullshit Disney concept of “True Love” being akin to date rape and turned it on its ass.

Maleficent 05 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

“Sorry, I don’t like the white ones.”

Who should see this? Parents and their kids. i couldn’t scare up any children to take to this but one of the things that impressed me was how the stereotypes were challenged, so little kids might have trouble seeing the shades of grey that lay beneath the vibrant colors. Kids older than 10 or whatever, should get this though. Especially if they’re your kids because you’re clearly in the top 10% of smart people, seeing as how you’re reading this blog and all. Also those people who have a little kid living inside them, kicking and screaming and laughing and crying and farting and feeling everything just a touch too deeply.

Who shouldn’t see this film? Jaded mother fuckers looking to get their rocks off. Tired souls who aren’t looking to feel but to be felt. Soulless zombies who’ve forgotten how to live. But if that’s you, you wouldn’t be here, you’d be trashing me on reddit.

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A little prick

Before we go any further, i have to card two of the actresses. As they’re under 18, i won’t post any pictures of them in the sexy section of this post and i won’t post any sexy candids of them. i’ll include only photos the actresses posed for on purpose.

First up is Elle Fanning (16) who will be beautiful when she’s 18 or over. She was perfect for the role of Aurora / Sleeping Beauty because she’s talented enough to act well but young enough to channel the innocence she’s got running in her veins and bring it to the surface. There was a genuine purity to her performance that it reached down from the screen and touched me.

Elle Fanning 01 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

 

Elle Fanning Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHal Bar None Booze Revooze)

Elle Fanning Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Also just in under the wire is Ella Purnell, who played Teen Maleficent, a role she’s perfectly qualified to play, being that she’s 17 and all.

Ella Purnell Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Ella Purnell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

1 shot

Angelina Jolie was hot in a Skeletor way and that’s not even a joke. She did a good job acting as well, but her job was a lot easier than Aurora (Elle Fanning) because basically Maleficent is just a bitch through most of the movie and delivers all her lines in this smoldering bitchy way which seems to come pretty easy to Angelina.

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Still, this was a good movie and she was the star so i gotta give credit where it’s due, especially when remembering she can look like this, or at least she did once upon a time.

Angelina Jolie 2014-05-28 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Angelina Jolie Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There are a lot more single shots of her stuffed in my drawers at the far bottom of this post.

Also appearing in Maleficent is the ultra hot Juno Temple. “Juno Temple?” “No, but i’d like to.” She plays a CGI fairy and she even looks cute when she’s a computer copy of herself, and if this isn’t the next porn thing, well, then something else probably will be.

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Juno’s on the left and reminds me of Saint Pauly (a little fairy)

Gobs more shots of her looking far sexier in the drawers. Scroll all the way down.

Silken Butterflies

For the Silken Butterflies in Maleficent, we have two beautiful women who were on screen only long enough to make us wish they were on a lot more.

Starting off is the lovely Hannah New and i bet she did when she decided to look gorgeous. She plays the Princess Leila and while she doesn’t have nearly enough screen time, her charm fills the screen while she’s there.

Hannah New 01 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Hannah New in the Bar None

Following that up is the lovely Marama Corlett, who played a servant but did it while looking this good.

Marama Corlett 01 Used 2014-05-28 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

As for the sex in Maleficent, i’d be lying if i said there wasn’t any because there was, if you count two kisses as ‘sex’.

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Every frat party ever

A Smoke

Drink: 0

None. Not even, any magic potions. Keep moving, nothing to read here.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

3 shots

The only real music was the Lana Del Ray and, let’s be honest, i think Lana Del Ray is the coolest thing since whatever the fuck this is

Something Lana no doubt uses

but she’s not rock and roll. The incidental music wasn’t rock and roll either, but the special effects were pretty rock and roll. There were a couple action scenes even if this isn’t an action movie and the cinematography (fancy film-speak for ‘the purdy pictures’) was purdy. i’ll go 3 shots on that shit.

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Got wood? He does.

Boring Technical Crap

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She’s pretty horny

Written by:

Written by Linda Woolverton
Based on the story “La Belle au bois dormant” by Charles Perrault

Directed by: Robert Stromberg

Starring

Elle Fanning – Aurora
Angelina Jolie – Maleficent
Juno Temple – Thistletwit
Hannah New – Princess Leila
Ella Purnell – Teen Maleficent
Marama Corlett – Servant

Bottom Line

If you’re cool enough to have made it this far, you should definitely see this movie.

Another Round

WTF!? Review of the Lord of the Rings trilogy

The Hot Rod gives us a nice review of another Disney effort

A Dregs article on why Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt broke up

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Basically everything from here on out is especially NC-18 and NSFW. Good luck.

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X-Men Days Future Past 03 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

0-5 Shots: X-Men: Days of Future Past

X-Men Days Future Past (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Roberta Flack – The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

[Press ‘Play’ for a taste of 1973]

Ramblings: The X Factor

Final Proof: 4 Shots

4 shots

You know how you get drunk at an office party on a Thursday night? All of the gang is there, it’s the same people you don’t get drunk with all day at work and they’re here again but they look a little unusual and act a little cooler and the office is still the normal office but it looks kind of weird because it’s late at night and the lighting’s different than during the day. You have a good time and you let your hair down, and you unbutton an extra button on your shirt while you flirt with danger and the office hottie, but at the same time you never forget where you are so you don’t let yourself go crazy and you’re home by 2am and ready for work the next day. X-Men: Days of Future Past was as fun and as safe as that office party.

X-Men Days Future Past 02 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

i originally wasn’t planning on going with 4 shots for this film but X-Men: Days of Future Past was ½ shot better than Godzilla and i gave that 3½ shots so there you go, a 4-shot movie.

Why hesitate to go the full 4? X-M:DoFP accomplished what it set out to do very well, but it didn’t set out to do all that much. It’s a solid movie with a story that’s easy enough to follow, even for me, and this despite jumping around in time all over the place. The acting was nice and not just Jennifer Lawrence who can do no wrong here in the Bar None, but even people i’m not big fans of weren’t too annoying. (i have nothing against Hugh Jackman because you can make “Hugh Jass” or “Hugh Jackass” jokes about his name, but i hate Wolverine with a passion partly because his last movie sucked Hugh Jass and mostly because his hair cut is what they should give pedophiles so they stand out from the crowd and make it easier for us to spot and hate on.)

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Kaley Cuoco's boobs at 18

Floppy hippie peace sign hat’s off to Bryan Singer who directed all this because most of the movie takes place in 1973 and i know from personal experience (mescal flashbacks) that this is what 1973 exactly looked like. Even the Pepsi product placement signs were vintage. The movie–like Kaley Cuoco’s boobs at 18–had an authentic look and feel.

Also, the special effects were very good. i saw this bad boy in (passive) 3D and there was enough eye candy to keep me interested and i’m not talking about trying to see if Mystique wears panties when she’s blue. It looked good and it moved at a good pace with only one really noticeable slow spot which they got out of the way at the beginning and was when they had to tell us the story of all the X-Men movies.

X-Men Days Future Past 04 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Why hesitate then? Because the film was missing the spark that set movies like The Avengers above the flood of super hero cinema. There was nothing special and when i see a film, i want special. i want to get excited about a movie, to get goosebumps, to guy cry a little. i want to feel kind of drunk when i watch a movie, especially because i’m an alcoholic who stopped drinking and can’t get drunk the normal way any more.

X-Men Days Future Past 05 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Finally, and being careful not to give away any spoilers, i felt a sense of “So what?” when the movie ended. Like it was a good movie but didn’t contribute anything to the X-Men anthology. Sure, it was better than all 3 of the first X-Men combined (i’m a Hugh Jater of those movies), but not as important as First Class.

At the end, you’ll give it a warm round of applause, but you won’t jump to your feet and yell “encore”.

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Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 shots

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3 shots

Many, many beautiful women here (OK, three beautiful women, but in my life, that constitutes “many”). Then there’s knowing that Jennifer Lawrence is walking around naked except for a little polyurethane net and some body paint and you have all the fixings for a hot ticket. Apart from that, no sex or nudity, though there is a reference made that Mystique / Raven and Erik / Magneto had something X rated going on for a while.

Here’s what the majestic Jennifer Lawrence looks like when she’s not blue.

Jennifer Lawrence Young 2014-02-19 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Young Jennifer Lawrence Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers, down below. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the warning.

Also thrown in the mix is Ellen Page, my newest favorite lesbian. Here in the Bar None we welcome lesbians with open arms and not just because they’re hot. We have a strict no-hating policy here, including sexual preference, race, religion, politics and drink choice. Because none of those things stands in the way of hotness. Witness:

Ellen Page Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Ellen Page in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s more single body shots of her down below as well.

Rounding things up, there was this super hot Chinese woman named Fan Bingbing who covered up all her goods because she played a mutant called Blink, like “Blink and you’ll miss her”. Fortunately, i’ve got this capture of her here for y’all.

Fan Bingbing Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None)

Fan Bingbing Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

i threw some shots of her in my drawers as well. Dig down deep and enjoy.

On one final note, for those of you who prefer Y-chromosomes to X-women, Hugh Jackson shows his naked ass in this movie. i’m not gay, but i’d like to have that ass…as mine.

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

1-2 shot

Not a lot of booze here and what they had wasn’t key to the plot, so if they’re not going to make the effort, neither am i.

X-Men Days Future Past 08 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

 

  • Young Charles Xavier drinks vodka from a scotch glass
  • Russian and Vietnamese soldiers drink in a Paris disco
  • Vietnamese officer orders a bottle of Johnny Walker at the bar
  • Charles drinks whiskey on a private jet to Paris

Slurred Speeches

I haven’t had a real sip in 10 years.

Erik drinking whiskey on the plane to Paris after his escape from prison

X-Men Days Future Past 09 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 shots

4 shots

Very good special effects, (you won’t believe what happens to the baseball park) and regular action scenes with a minimum of backtalk left me satisfied in this domain. While there was no real rock and roll to the movie, they did have “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” twice and the escape scene with Jim Croce’s “Time in a Bottle” was killer. So yeah, imma go 4 shots on this.

X-Men Days Future Past 10 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Jane Goldman, Simon Kinberg, Matthew Vaughn – story
Simon Kinberg – screenplay

Directed by: Bryan Singer

Starring

Jennifer Lawrence – Raven / Mystique
Ellen Page – Kitty Pryde
Fan Bingbing – BlinkHugh Jackman – Logan / Wolverine
James McAvoy – Charles Xavier
Michael Fassbender – Erik Lehnsherr
Peter Dinklage – Dr. Bolivar Trask
Evan Peters – Peter / Quicksilver

Bottom Line

A movie you don’t need to be a fanboy to like

Another Round

WTF!? hilarious review of a much worse film

Fernby Films’ awesome review of Part 1

Booze Revooze of “Capatain America: Winter Soldier”

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What happens in my drawers stays in my drawers, and is also pretty NSFW.

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