Did you see the date on the poster? March 22, Barmaids and Beerhounds. And what day did i post this bad boy? March 20. Once again they decided to throw this up here in Yeaman before serving it up to a real public. Here’s the screen shot i took with my camera because i know you don’t trust me.
Ramblings: Die Hardly
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk at a family reunion? It’s always the same relatives like the stoic ex-cop uncle who drinks almost as much as you and he walks heavily like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders when in fact it’s just his huge fucking head, and then you have the standup dad who has a ton of responsibility but smiles shitloads and whatever happens you can be sure he’ll be the one to say grace before you can try the jello shots and over there you have your crazy sister’s latest psycho foreign boyfriend (she just won’t do domestic) who gets fucked up on import ale laced with meth and he starts threatening grandma with a spork until vet cop uncle and pastor dad beat him up then talk him down with too much talk and too much down because even if it was fun at the beginning when the fucker went whack, the rest of the evening is just a lot of drunken boring ass chat and you remember too late that every fucking family reunion is exactly like this and you make a mental note never to put yourself through this shit again but you’ll forget once more as soon as someone mentions free beer. That’s what you’ll be thinking after you see Olympus Has Fallen.
“Do you want to put the ‘secret’ back in the ‘service’, Timmy?”
I’m going to tell you a secret nobody wants you to know. OHF is a remake of the first Die Hard.
How does OHF measure up? Not anywhere near as good as the first Die Hard, but streaks in your underwear ahead of the A Good Day to Die Hard.
The problem is that, ironically enough, it starts off kind of good, like A Good Day To Die Hard because when they do the action it really rocks and rocks hard. But then they decide there aren’t enough clichés (*cough* troubled marriage *cough*) and so they have to go back and it takes a long time for Antoine “Fuck ya” Fuqua to put all of them in (here are some high fives in the control room for you) and he’s so worried about inserting every single last fucking cliché (patriotic speech at the end, anyone?) he can find that he totally forgets to include some good shit, too.
Hates it when they wax the front porch
You know how good movie reviewers have started talking about different parts of movies? Well, i’m not good enough to do that yet but i can say without spoiling anything that there are 3 parts and the 2nd one where they take over the White House is cool as fucking hell. Before that? If you want to have a pee and a popcorn and arrive 10 minutes late you won’t miss anything. Seriously, how long does it take to set up what we already know is going to happen because it’s on the fucking poster!?
“As soon as it’s safe, turn around.”
After they take over the White House and Butler has to go all John McClane on everybody’s ass, “Fuckya” decides he wants to throw more WTF moments than you can count into the mix but i’m not going to go into that here because they include spoilers. Suffice to say, if you want to go home early and read more of my blog, do it—there’s at least as much shit here as there is in the film.
“No, Ma’am, you don’t understand. It’s not harassment if you’re ugly.”
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
Yeah, there was nothing resembling anything sexual in this movie. The closest we get is Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan (Melissa Leo) in a silk underthing over her bra.
Oppa Gangbang Style
Other than that, there are some very beautiful women in the movie, but it’s an “action” movie which means men just want to watch other men get hot and sweaty and wrestle with other.
But you know me, and if you don’t i’m the one who invented donner pizza, i’m all about the soft side of life so let’s get started off on that foot right away with both of Radha Mitchell’s soft sides.
Radha Mitchell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
She has the coolest beauty marks on her neck, swear to god. If you want more proof of that, there’s some single shots of her down below in my drawers, just scroll to the end of the post and you’ll find ‘em lingering there.
There was also the delicious Angela Basset who played a politician type of woman but i didn’t care about that as much as i cared about this.
Angela Basset Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s drawer shots of her as well.
Rounding things up, way up, is Ashley Judd who plays the First Lady and when you see these shots, you’ll see why she comes First. Although you probably will. Anyway, get a fill of her here because she’s not in the movie as much as you’d like.
Ashley Judd Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i also stuffed my drawers with some single shots of her down below, too.
Making an all too brief appearance as “Nurse” is the always lovely Amber Dawn Landrum, who is always as lovely as this:
Not to mention the amazing Malana Lea, who played Lim, and she was. See?
Not a drop.
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
Like i already said, there was lots of cool rock and roll action for the fight scene but before and after that there was just a lot of nothing. And absolutely no rock in the soundtrack. Not even the mandatory single during the credits. The one cliché i don’t mind so much…
“Sorry, sir, your arm is falling off. Let me get that for you.”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Creighton Rothenberger & Katrin Benedikt
Directed by: Antoine Fuqua
Angela Bassett – Secret Service Director Lynn Jacobs
Melissa Leo – Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan
Radha Mitchell – Leah
Malana Lea – Lim
Amber Dawn Landrum – Nurse
Gerard Butler – Mike Banning
Aaron Eckhart – President Benjamin Asher
Finley Jacobsen – Connor
Dylan McDermott – Forbes
Rick Yune – Kang
Morgan Freeman – Speaker Trumbull
If you gotta see it, leave after they kill the South Korean President. If you don’t gotta see it, watch Die Hard instead.
Not a lot of people know this, but Spring Breakers was an action movie and if you don’t believe me, there was so much action i couldn’t fit it all in my review so i had to come here to let it all spill out. This is where i’m going to open my drawers and let it all hang loose.
Starting things off with a gang bang, here’s some of the girl on girl action that went down on each other in Spring Breakers.
From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: The White Stripes – Fell in Love with a Girl
[Press 'Play' for the second best song in the movie...and not on the soundtrack]
Ramblings: Panty Linings Playbook
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk wearing a suit? Not the part when you talk too loud so that everyone within shouting distance knows how over the top you went and not the part when everyone can smell the sheen gleaming in the sick that streaks your lapels. No, there are those moments before everyone becomes your best friend and before you get so phony all your bars are full of reception, before you try too hard to be funny and to fall in love, moments when you are a little off kilter, a little skewed but still you feel a little more you than you’ve been in a while because you are sincere and honest enough to let the crazy out a crack and you accidentally become endearing. That’s what Silver Linings Playbook is like.
“I’m going to switch this envelope out for the one that says ‘Argo’.”
SLP is a romantic comedy that is neither, and all the better for it. You know me and if you don’t, i’m the guy that came up with “dramantic comedy” or “drom-com” and go ahead, you can keep mocking me even after you steal that expression because that’s also the kind of guy i am. i hate romantic comedies more than i hate life itself and i only went to see this because it was nominated for an Oscar and plus the only thing easier in life than hating romantic comedies is mocking them and i’m all about the easy.
Imagine my surprise when i didn’t hate this movie. Why i didn’t is a whole ‘nother story—not really, it’s the whole story of this post and i didn’t hate the movie because it wasn’t a romantic comedy, it was a sexy shell with some serious drama deep down at the bottom, like panty liners hidden inside scanty panties. Also, the ending was happy in the movie just like panty liners are happy in their own way because it means she’s not pregnant, am i right?
“You’re so hot, and not just the sweaty kind.”
Basically i got emotionally invested in the characters here and i never do that for a movie like this unless it is this. Why? Read on, Buttercup.
The best thing about this movie were the actors and you know how sometimes you don’t know what makes a good actor because you can’t really put your finger on it? Go and see SLP for a good lesson on that. Chris “Mother” Tucker takes the role of the nutso friend and drives it straight to the place you’d expect and drops it off there without taking us anywhere. Some other guy (John Ortiz) plays the BF and you watch him going, “Yeah, he’s the BF because he’s acting the way the BF is supposed to”.
But Bradley Cooper (who is the person i will sleep with right after Eliza Dushku if i go gay) and Jennifer Lawrence (who i would sleep with first no matter what) fucking nail their characters. They play crazy perfectly because they don’t “play crazy”, they play crazy people trying to act normal which is a whole hell of a lot more realistic.
“You overpaid for your track suit, babe.”
The other good thing about this (yeah, i’ll skip the part about how De Niro finally gets his acting chops into a meatier role than he’s been served in a long time) is the director who’s some guy called David O. Russell (who also directed the fuckin’ excellent The Fighter). The cool thing about his directing is that you don’t notice it, which is what good directing is about (unless you go the other way where the directing is the best part of the movie, like Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula or Andrew Niccol’s Lord of War).
Everything comes together in this movie and chips in to elevate it above the normal level of a rom-coma and even if that doesn’t make it Oscar worthy, it still makes it worth a viewing.
Meanwhile, at the same sex marriage gala…
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2½ Shots
“No, that’s a roll of dimes I keep in my pocket.”
Sure, i love Jennifer Lawrence (“Tiffany” in this movie), but more importantly i like her a lot. She’s hot but she wasn’t always hot and she won’t always be hot but what she will always be is a good actress and fucking cool. For the good actress part all you have to do is watch Silver Linings Playbook to see what i mean and for the cool part check out these quotes.
Not to sound rude, but [acting] is stupid. Everybody’s like, ‘How can you remain with a level head?’ And I’m like, ‘Why would I ever get cocky? I’m not saving anybody’s life. There are doctors who save lives and firemen who run into burning buildings. I’m making movies. It’s stupid.
Or, and this is my personal favorite,
I went to the doctor today and got a chest X-ray of my lungs and discovered that my breasts are uneven! That was all I saw.
You know me (and if you don’t, my breasts are uneven too), i’m all about the investigative journalism, so let’s take a close up and personal look at this, shall we?
Jennifer Lawrence Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Like with most of the actresses, there are single shots of Jennifer in my drawers, down below. Just scroll all the way down until you hit the “Continue reading” link and then do just that.
Another wonderful actress gracing this movie is Julia Plenty of Stiles (aka “Veronica” here). i’ve liked her ever since i didn’t see her that one Heath Ledger movie (10 Things I Hate About You) but saw some Stiles stills and she was gorgeous and it was kinda like this.
Julia Stiles Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
What else is good about SLP? Here’s the blow by blow from my notes:
[Glimpses of] Ex-wife (Nikki / Brea Bee) in the shower
Closeups of JL’s [Jennifer Lawrence's] “necklace”, i.e. cleavage & the moles [which i've just realized is a great fucking name for a girl's band]
Vaguely dirty talk @ restaurant: Older mature lesbian with younger girl on her lap explaining / teaching her what to do [i put this dialog down in my drawers, if you really care.]
JL’s bare back
JL’s dance costume rocked halter top
One of my favorite lines from the movie was more about sex than romance. This exchange is between Bradley Cooper’s character (Pat) and a guy taking advantage of Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) sexually.
How am I being rude?
Oh, you know. You know. Come on. Sometimes it’s [casual sex] okay with girls like this, they wanna have fun, and sometimes it’s not okay because they got a broken wing, and they’re hurt, and they’re an easy target. And in this case, in this particular case, I think that wing is being fixed.
i already talked about the woman naked wife in the shower in the blow by blow and her name is Brea Bee and she’s this kind of ginger hot.
Regency Boies graced us, the screen and the film with her brief yet remarkable presence as “Regina”.
Also making the film a better place to be is Samantha Gelnaw, who played Jake’s Finacée.
For those of you more into quick passes than tight ends, there was Bradley Cooper in this.
Bradley Cooper rocking the sober in the Bar None
Drink: 2½ Shots
There was tons of drinking and drink references but it didn’t ply a serious role in the movie and that’s what 2½ shots tastes like.
Here’s the blow by blow:
Danny was in for assault because of crystal meth and alcohol.
—Pat explaining to his mother why Danny was with him in the mental hospital
BC (Bradley Cooper) brings wine bottle to dinner at Ronnie’s
Wine @ dinner
“LOL, we’re drinking expensive champagne and you sold out for a cheap ass Bud.”
Don’t drink too much, don’t hit anybody, you’ll be fine.
—Pat Sr. (Robert De Niro) giving his son advice before a football game
Beer @ tailgate [party]
JL swigs Bud after putting De Niro in his place
White alcohol on ice @ Xmas
Chris Whatsisname [Tucker] drinking Bud at formal dance recital
When JL is stressed she marches straight to the bar, pounds on it, and asks for a vodka. Then a guy offers her another one.
Champagne on the table at the dance contest
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
It’s not my fault everything is 2½ shots, talk to the movie. i went 2½ here because the soundtrack has some really cool songs (two White Stripes jams, and even some Zeppelin!) but not all of the songs are on the OST, so don’t buy it without checking it out closely first.
A cool song on both, which is not necessarily rock and roll, is “Girl from the North Country” by Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins, Norman Blake, W.S. Holland & Marshall Grant.
The Waiting Room at the Wig Salon
Boring Technical Crap
Matthew Quick (novel “The Silver Linings Playbook”)
David O. Russell (screenplay)
The short bus just got shorter
Directed by: David O. Russell
Jennifer Lawrence – Tiffany
Jacki Weaver – Dolores
Julia Stiles – Veronica
Brea Bee – Nikki
Regency Boies – Regina
Samantha Gelnaw – Jake’s Fiancée
Bradley Cooper – Pat
Robert De Niro – Pat Sr.
Chris Tucker – Danny
Anupam Kher – Dr. Cliff Patel
John Ortiz – Ronnie
Great date movie because it’s almost a great movie.
From the juiced-box (kinda…) and the soundtrack: Preparation for Attack – Alexandre Desplat & the London Symphony Orchestra
[Press 'Play' for Jazzical, jazz mixed with classical]
Ramblings: Mission Accomplished
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk on Irish coffees? They’re dark and sweet and bitter and you don’t realize how much of them you’ve drunk because they’re so smooth but the real problem is you’re drinking them in a bar, squeezed into a booth and the caffeine kicks in pretty damn quick and so your leg starts to bounce and you squirm in your seat and you really have to pee but you’re trapped between a passed out Marine who’s packing and a girl you have a crush on that you’d rather crawl on than over so the tension mounts and the pressure builds and you catch yourself having a super suspenseful time even if there’s not a lot of action. That’s what sitting through Zero Dark Thirty is like.
Jessica Chastain accidentally enters the Men’s Room
Kathryn Bigelow is cool and hot which is good because it means the movies she makes are exactly like that and Zero Dark Thirty is no exception. What’s not to like about a film that has action and hot actresses and not even a scentilla (it means ‘a little whiff’, and yes, it’s a word, can’t you see i just wrote it?) of romance. Making this more of a macho movie than both The Expendables combined.
Kathryn Bigelow makes good decisions (well, apart from marrying James Cameron) and this movie is full of the good decisions like telling the story of killing Been Lauden through a girl’s eyes. The other good decision was about the torture and you know me (and if you don’t, you don’t know the meaning of torture, kiddo), the closest i get to political is listening to Rage Against the Machine so i’m not going to the torture place in this blog (apart from my writing style). Alls i’m gonna say is that Bigelow made the right decision starting off the movie with authentic cell phone recordings left behind by 911 victims from the Twin Towers or the planes. That shot of reality will sober you right the fuck up and put the torture scenes in the right perspective.
“I’ll tell you whatever you want, just no more Nic Cage.”
Another good decision Big&Low made was not to go too intense with the torture. Maybe you wanna know if the torture scenes were too much and lemme tell you they were just enough. i’m a wimp when it comes to shit like torture and rape scenes in movies and the older i get the wimpier i become and i’m very fuckin’ older so if i think the torture wasn’t too traumatic, you probably won’t either.
Other than that, Zero Dark Thirty is a good drama and a good thriller and a good detective movie and a good espionage movie and a good action movie (especially the last 30 minutes) and when you have all those good movies mixed up in one, it can really suck sometimes but here it doesn’t because it’s good.
A quick game of ‘How Deep Can You Put Your Hands In Your Pockets’
So why only 3½ Shots? Because it’s all of those things that make it good that i just mentioned. Where The Hurt Locker took new ground and not just broke it but blew the shit out of it (if a little unevenly), Zero Dark Thirty stays within the parameters of the mission and gets the job done but without any of the shock and awe i was hoping for.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1½ Shots
For the first time, 1½ shots is actually a good thing. No i haven’t gone Bieber on you, i’m just saying that in an action film the only kind of nudity you want is nudity in action, like bare breasted females fighting topless or something and short of that, just give me pretty ladies and hold the romance, please. Which is what Bigelow gives us here.
In case you were worried i’m becoming too politically correct, here’s the notes i took:
JC [Jessica Chastain]‘s ass looks nice in tight slacks as she leaves the torture room
i don’t know if i knew Jessica Chastain (“Maya”) or not before this movie but what i do know is i love her hair. i’ve always had a thing for gingers (or ‘strawberry blondes’ as we called them at my end of the bush) and the other nice thing about Jessica is that she can act better than you, and this i know because she was nominated for an Academy Award and you weren’t.
The drapes DO match the…drapes.
Fun trivia: Jessica Chastain likes cleavage so much, even her chin has cleavage. Check out the picture i just posted. And then check out this.
Jessica Chastain Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Before i forget, there are solo shots of the actresses filling my drawers. Just scroll to the bottom of this post until you see the headline.
We were blessed with two actresses whose talent was matched only by their beauty. Unfortunately, their appearances on screen were like touching myself in the shower (over all too quick), but don’t worry, i’ll post some shots here so that you can make the moment last.
Starting with Lauren Shaw (“Lauren” in the movie) who is not just drop dead gorgeous and also and actress but is a stunt woman as well. How cool is that!? i’ll fucking tell you how cool it is, it’s way fucking cool.
Lauren Shaw Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Wrapping things up is the beautiful Jessica Collins (“Debbie”). The first time i fell in love with her was when she played the Miniature Killer in CSI, and then i got to fall in love with her again in her brief appearance here. i also want it to go on record that she has the cutest nose. If you ever find yourself wondering what kind of nose i like, it’s this kind.
Drink: 2 Shots
There were enough references to keep me busy scrawling shit in my little notebook throughout the movie which means about 2 shots.
Wine at dinner with brunette [Jennifer Ehle as 'Jessica'] & JC [Jessica Chastain]
We got lots of wine.
Good, bring me back a bottle.
–phone conversation between Maya & Jessica
Wine at pre-mole meeting
JC drinks something out of a clear plastic cup after her friend dies
Martinis @ a Kuwaiti bar
Bud for lunch with security guy @ Pakistani fast food
Beer on tap in a bar
Rock & Roll: 3 Shots
It’s like i was talking about in the intro section, there’s a lot of tension and suspense even if there’s not a lot of action. Until the last 30 minutes, which is a close to real time account of what it looked like when they wasted Ben.
“That man is playing Galaga. Thought we wouldn’t notice…but we did.”
Apart from the nice score that Alexandre Desplat made, the music in Zero Dark Thirty is rock and roll. Well, there’s only one other song and it’s not on the soundtrack and it’s the song they play to torture a guy with: Rorschach – Pavlov’s Dog
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: RZA – Ode to Django (The D is silent)
[Press 'Play' for "Two beers for two weary travelers"]
Final Proof: 4½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in a video game? It gets so bad you don’t feel like you’re playing it but that you’re in it, deep in it, no longer a player but the real thing, absorbed and walking around someone else’s alternative reality. The violence is larger ‘n’ life is shorter and the blood is redder with the bad guys deader and there’s lots of action from beginning to end and if it won’t break at least you can bender. While you’re staggering through all the various levels releasing souls left and right and some of the levels may resemble each other but it’s still tons of fun with ultra violence so far gone it’s exciting and hilarious at the same time with the blaring music egging you on deeper into the story where each doorway opens onto a surprise more intense until you reach the Boss ending. Django Unchained is like that video game.
i told myself i was gonna give this movie ½-shot less than i gave Inglourious Basterds, but Inglourious Basterds should’ve been a 5-shot movie and you can tell i wrote that review in my drinking days because i didn’t give it all it was due. So ½-shot less than the 5 i should of given Inglourious Basterds makes this an even 4½.
Why ½-shot less? Because Django Unchained is the second shot from the same bottle of Inglourious Basterds. In IB we had the holocaust, in DU we have slavery. In IB we had Brad Pitt, in DU we have Leonardo DiCaprio. In IB we have Bowie as an anachronism, in DU it’s pre-civil war rap. The good news is, if you liked Inglourious Basterds, you’re going to like Django Unchained–and i fucking loved Inglorious Basterds.
Beating a Dead Horse
The other little thing i didn’t feel so much was how the ending went long. It was like after closing time and you’re the bartender and that one lonely chick is babbling on and on and you’re too polite to walk out on her, but still you pay more attention to your watch than you do her. Tarantino could’ve ended this 10 minutes earlier’s all i’m sayin’.
Now for the easy part. What went right.
i like Tarantino a lot and i’ll tell you why it’s because he makes fun movies with talent. He’s Dostoevsky writing comics. Rodin with Silly Putty. A French chef preparing deep fried bacon. He takes tacky and makes it art, transforms kitsch into cool.
Suddenly, Jamie Foxx realized she was on her period.
But he had help here, and the help i’m talking about are the cast because the actors here acted the shit out of everything. Christoph Waltz as Django’s mentor Dr. King Schultz was good, no doubt about it, but Waltz’s good in everything and here he only got to act in one language, not like Inglourious Basterds where he got to rock in 3 languages. It was fun seeing Don Johnson again and he’s looking pretty good and acting the part but the real acting was done by Jamie Foxx who was Django and he was Django for real. To be Django he had to be proud yet cool when he was in the shit and Foxx played both sides of that double edged dagger to perfection.
But you know who was also just as good was Samuel L Jackson who played Stephen the head slave. i didn’t even recognize him at first and the way Stephen came to life as this sassy boss slave who knew exactly how far he could push it before going too far, yet so loyal to the system that trapped him was inspiring. i don’t remember if Jackson got nominated for an Oscar for this role, but he sure should’ve ahead of Waltz, in my blog.
Kentucky Fried Johnson
i’m not ignoring the women. Hell, you know me and if you don’t i’m the one who bought you that drink just before he threw up on your shoes that one time, i’m all about giving the women their credit. The only problem with that here is that there weren’t a whole lot of women in slave times. The ladies in this movie do the part justice, but don’t have very meaty characters to flesh out. A notable exception is Laura Cayouette who is Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, a proper southern lady. Cayoutte give us lots to smile about with her tongue in cheeky portrayal.
“I’m so gonna nail this babe!”
Tarantino has a gift and he’s giving it to us hard here, pushing it all the way home. He has a feeling for film that goes deeper than any other director and can reach places no one else can. You will laugh out loud, you will turn your head in disgust, you will lean on the edge of your seat and your eyes will be angry that they can’t look everywhere at the same time. Your muscles will clench your hands will sweat and you will hold your breath for two hours while your mad eyes burn from not blinking.
Some people are gonna wanna tell you this is too violent but that’s a load of horseshit because it’s true. This is Tarantino for fuck’s sake. Do people complain about the nudity in porn? The swearing in rap? The fat in Denny’s meat? Of course they do, but the fuckers that do need to be taken out back and shot because porn, Tarantino and Denny’s meat fulfill their higher purpose and answer the call with no hangups. “If you don’t like the shit, climb out of the outhouse,” my Grandpa used to say (or would’ve if he was as fucked up as me).
It’s Hammer Time!
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
The funny thing is, i was sure there were a couple nude scenes in Django Unchained, but then when i look back at my notes (during movies i take notes like a teenager in sex ed) i can’t find any reference to nudity. And i’m the kinda guy that would reference that. So i brought this down from 3 Shots to 2.
Sex Ed, Lesson 1: You have to take off your clothes first.
Here’s the only shit i wrote down about the sex in Django Unchained:
Underside of JF’s [Jamie Foxx's] balls as he hangs upside down.
Still, even if there’s a shortage of naked in Django, there’s no shortage of talent…or beauty.
My first piece of evidence is Kerry Washington, who plays Broomhilda just right.
Kerry Washington Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
As with most of the actresses i’ll exposé here, there’s some single shots of Kerry all the way down at the bottom if you scroll to the part where it says “Al K Hall’s Drawers”.
After that, there’s also Nichole Galicia, who is Sheba, Calvin Candie’s (Leonardo DiCaprio) bit of dark chocolate whose job is apparently to sit around the plantation, drink, and look like this.
Nichole Galicia Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Appearing as Candie’s sister, Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, is the lovely and gifted Laura Cayouette. Here’s some of her gifts.
Laura Cayouette Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
And don’t forget Amber Tamblyn as the Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter. And when she looks like this, how could you?
Amber Tamblyn Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Some of the actresses that were in Django Unchained far too briefly for my taste…
Zoë Bell, as “Tracker”, and how sad but cool was it that she wore a bandanna over her face the entire movie?
Zoë Bell in the Bar None
Louise Stratten was a Daughtrey Saloon Girl.
As was Shannon Hazlett, the other Daughtrey Saloon Girl.
Last but not at all least is the adorable Sharon Pierre-Louis who came as Little Jody.
For those of you more interested in Southern Beaus than Southern Belles, we have…
Leonardo DiCaprio…in the Bar None.
Leonardo Dicaprio in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Here’s Mr Beau Django himself, Jamie Foxx.
Jamie Foxx Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s some shots of him at the top of my drawers down below.
Drink: 3 Shots
Booze played a big role in Django Unchained even if it didn’t play that important of one, which is a perfect 3 shot recipe.
Good morning, Innkeeper! Two beers for two weary travelers.
–Dr. King Shultz escorting Django into a saloon [and also the start to the song at the top of this post]
Leo’s [Leonardo DiCaprio] lawyer orders sweet tea & bourbon at bar in house
Champagne on ice in glass ice bucket
Other Mandingo owner orders a tequila after his slave dies
A tall beer for the winning slave Mandingo
Polynesian Pearl, and do not spare the rum.
–DiCaprio [Calvin Candie]
Django Unchained Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Champagne and wine at lunch…
White wine at Candie’s dinner
To Eskimo Joe, or shall we call him the Black Hercules.
Brandy after dinner
Stephen (Samuel L Jackson) drinks brandy while explaining the situation
Rock & Roll: 4½ Shots
And i woulda gone a full 5 shots if the ending hadn’t dragged on a little.
Besides, how have you not stolen / bought / copied / torrented / use netted the soundtrack to Django Unchained yet? It’s not rock and roll but it’s almost better. Tarantino has an incredible ear for this kind of shit because the soundtrack goes everywhere from spaghetti Western guitar shit (Ennio Morricone) to 70′s shit (Jim Croce “I Got A Name” and Richie Havens “Freedom”, unfortunately not on the soundtrack album) to some kickass rap, like the song i put at the top and this one i’mma include right here.
Rick Ross (written by Jamie Foxx) – 100 Black Coffins
Add to this cool ass music the Tarantino action that redefines action the same way God redefined earth when he invented it, and you see why i gave this some bitch so much respect.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Quentin Tarantino
Directed by: Quentin Tarantino
Ah, to be with friends and shoot the breeze.
Kerry Washington – Broomhilda
Nichole Galicia – Sheba
Laura Cayouette – Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly
Amber Tamblyn – Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter
Zoë Bell – Tracker
Louise Stratten – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Shannon Hazlett – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Sharon Pierre-Louis – Little Jody
Jamie Foxx – Django
Christoph Waltz – Dr. King Schultz
Leonardo DiCaprio – Calvin Candie
Samuel L. Jackson – Stephen
Don Johnson – Big Daddy
See it. This is that “Holy Shit” moment you been waiting on for awhile now.
Georgia Jones Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
From the juiced box and dedicated to Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa: Machine Gun Kelly – LTFU (One More Time)
[Press 'Play' for "For the unforgettable nights we couldn't take in / Cause we were to busy guzzlin the gin / All in, til we spew it up / My city love me so whenever I'm home / I get the messages saying that it is on"]
Charlie Sheen has got himself a new whore. After Bree Olson’s twins dumped him, he’s now seeing Georgia “On My Mind” Jones, who’s way classier because she only does lesbian (see above wallpaper, in case you missed it) or solo (check out my drawers down below). But she’s not what i mean by “new whore” and if that’s what you thought i meant then you don’t know me very well because i’d never call a woman that and especially not one who is one.
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None
No, Charlie’s new bit on the side is none other than Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. The two Californicators partied together in Cabo San Lucas (which is messican for “Party Central”), MeXXXico.
Charlie Sheen tweeting from the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Antonio Villaraigosa in the Bar None
Sheen had this to say about it.
“He can drink with the best of ‘em: Me.”
The two boys spoke for hours and drank tons and all around hit it off so well that now his Dishonor is going into denial, telling everyone that the meeting was only a quickie. Knowing Sheen as well as Georgia Jones, 3 minutes sounds about right.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Here’s the Bar None artist’s rejection of what partying with Antonio Villaraigosa would be like.
Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
The New Year has come even if you haven’t (but hey, the couple that fakes it together, makes it together) and brings with it a whole barrel bottom-ful of Dregs. Like we got a girl shooting off her brother’s mouth, God not damning, the Chris Brown wreck, Lay-Lo laying low, and Sofia Veraga’s New Year’s boobs.
From the juiced-box: The Pretty Reckless – Kill Me
[Press 'Play' for what you listen to when you care enough to kill the very best]
You know me (and if you don’t, watch more Jerry Springer), i like to make fun as much as the next guy especially if the next guy is super funny. But i have to draw a line somewhere so i’m drawing one right here.
See, on New Year’s Eve in Phoenix, AZ a drunk 19 year old girl killed her brother while they posed for Facebook profile pics. The parties in questioning were drinking with buds when someone pulled out a gun and as the siblings messed around, the girl accidentally fired a bullet into her brother’s head.
i know you like the back of my daddy’s hand, Barmaids and Beerhounds, and i know you’re gonna wanna make all kinds of jokes about this. Like you’re gonna be tempted to shoot your mouth off and say shit like, “Looks like they were doing shots” or “Talk about a photo shoot” or “Maybe he wanted a head shot .” Well, i’m here to tell you that shit don’t fly, you sick mother drunkard. What do you have going on in you brain to even think of bad puns like that?
God may not be your copilot, but he sure as hell is Tyler Alred’s. This 17-year old shithead was drunk driving (0.07 %, just under the legal limit), hit a tree and killed his 16-year old passenger. Dead. He even pleaded guilty to manboyslaughter.
You know who else is a shithead? The judge. He sentenced All-red to 10 years…in church. Swear to god. The judge passed on a suspended sentence of 10 years during which Tyler has to attend church service on Sunday.
The kicker? The sentence may not be too effective because Alred already goes to church every fucking Sunday. God damn it all to hell.
Lindsay Lohan was photographed at a restaurant celebrating her sister Ali’s 19th birthday (Ali’s the one in the back left looking like Elizabeth Bennet out of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies), but it’s hard to tell because everyone in that family looks like the clan’s Gran, including the men.
The scandal that erupted like the zit on the nose of a Disney teen drinking and driving Herbie The Love Drunk had to do with the fact that it’s illegal for Lay-Lo to drink alcohol, and this law is brought to you by the same universe that says it’s OK to sentence a drunk driver to church.
Like every good alkie, however, Lindsay blamed her grandmother because you would too if you could get away with it and you would because what kind of lawyer would attack a grannie? To add salt to the wounds, Lay Lindsay Lay claimed that the drink is an alcohol free margarita, making it the only thing even close to virgin at the table. Plus, i’m pretty sure that’s not salt on the rim. Maybe the Coke isn’t in the glass, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.
Here’s a little tribute to the lovely bonds of sisterhood.
Lindsay & Ali Lohan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You guys pro’lly don’t care about what a sensitive soul i am, but this one picture right here is very heartistic and causes me a sadness i wouldn’t know where to explain.
Sofia Vergara and Nick “Rock” Loeb-ster in the Bar None
Sofia Veraga has two very big boobs: her fiancé and her ex. On New Year’s Eve they all decided to party together which is the greatest idea ever since Rihanna decided to go back to Chris Brown. All this went down in Florida which, if you’ve read these dregs more than once you already know is where insanity goes to die and comes back to life so it can gnaw on the brains of the few people there that have any left.
The trio were partying in the VIP section of a club called Miami’s Story when Sofia So-Good and her fiancé Nick Loeb had words to go with their drinks (words like “asshole”, “fuckface”, and “stretchy head”, i bet). People at a nearby table stuck their noses into Loeb’s business and then his fist and in the following fight some people got beat up but, even better, some good soul was kind enough to pull down Sofia’s top for us.
Sorry about the censorship in the above shot but i can’t find an unadultery shot anywhere on the net. The closest i could find was this slip showing.
Sofaia Vergara will bend over backwards for you
i got more of this hot steamy mess down in my drawers…
Call me Basking Robbins ’cause i’m about to give y’all a scoop. Chris Brown, the guy you know you hate, was in a city called Paris (hint: doesn’t end with “Hilton”) in a land called France (the country Germany practices its global dominations on) and learned a very simple lesson in mathematsick.
Seems Brownie rented a Lamborghini Aventador (shot 1), did a show and hit an after-party (shot 2), left the bar at 4 am and banged into some other dude’s car (shot 3). As i’m the only one talking about this (in English), i’m calling it a win for Team None. But, if i get wacked mysteriously or suddenly disappear without a face, start looking here at the French Connection.
Here’s a Bar None Artist’s misconception.
Bar None Artist’s Misconception of Chris Brown’s Accident
i gots more shots of Chris and Rihanna drinking in my drawers, just at the bottom there.
Bar None Dregs
For Christmas, i promised that Saint Pauly kid i’d post this picture off his WTF (Watch the Film) blog. What do you think? Is is as funny as he says it is?
Here comes the part where i wish you a Happy New Year. That’s done. Was it good for you?
i stole this from a website called Guapola because that’s the kinda shit i do.
Masochists will want to to go to All About Al K Hall for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
From the juiced-box (not so much) and the soundtrack: Neil Finn – Song of the Lonely Mountain (extended version)
[Press 'Play' for The Hobbit version of South Park's Lemmiwinks' Song]
Can you believe it? The Unexpected Journey started here 2 full days before the US when The Hobbit strolled into Yeaman first. Don’t believe me–believe the random cell phone shots i took.
Ramblings: A Hard Hobbit To Break
Final Proof: 2½ Shots and/or 5 Shots
[us poor slobs]
and / or
[for the cool geeks]
You know how you get drunk with Jacob and Wilhem Grimm, the Grimm Bros.? They start off all serious and dark and sit on the corner of the booth and they don’t say much but then they start pounding that mead and really quickly they start singing off key these songs from their homeland that aren’t as cute as they think they are and then they start talking together super quickly about all their wicked fairy tales but the problem is that it’s all talk. They just sit there babbling about the story and it’s kind of a let down because you feel like they’re giving you spoilers even if they’re the ones that wrote the stories but it’s a hell of a lot better to read the stories than hear these over excited drunks telling you what happened. At the end you kinda wished they’d just shut up and showed you the story because when the tale comes second-hand, you feel used. That’s exactly how The Hobbit makes you feel.
“Hey little boy, you want some candy?”
Just my luck, i wanna hurry up and post this to score a scoop and i find i have to write two reviews. The first one is for us poor slobs who aren’t fans of Tolkien, never read The Hobbit, and prefer the theatrical versions of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy to the snooze-fest of the Director’s Cut (which wasn’t even cut). The second review is for the LotR geeks who could hack into my computer at the drop of a pointy wizard hat at a cosplay convention.
Us Poor Slobs: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was pretty fucking expectable, if you ask me. i’m told by people who tell the difference that The Hobbit is a children’s reader compared to the other books of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and Peter Jackson came out with a children’s film here. Think Madagascar in Middle Earth. Think Witch King and the Chocolate Factory. The Wizard ofOz-giliath. It’s so simple, it’s kind of annoying, like the way Bilbo talks as though he’s the host of a kiddy program on Sunday mornings.
Super Cool Geeks: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was great. It follows the book closely and Peter Jackson did a marvelous job capturing the joyful innocence that permeates the Tolkien classic.
Cocktail Weenies at the Troll Party
Us Poor Slobs:
And the kiddy movie isn’t even a problem for me, hell, there are some great fucking kiddy movies, but this one is too dialog heavy to take a kid to because all we get is story telling and not story except suddenly 1 or 2 minutes of soft core violence that’s too hard for kids anyway. It seems every character we meet has to relate an anecdote of something that happened to him and i ended up feeling like a guy in the checkout line waiting for the talkative housewife in front of me to stop blabbing to the curious cashier so i could get a move on to something more interesting than the not so super market.
Super Cool Geeks: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey rocked. The adventures of lovable dwarfs and Bilbo Baggins come to life through their words, and as their tales unfold we become enveloped in their lives so that it feels like we are there, sitting beside them, listening to them recount their stories just for us.
“They cut the power because we didn’t pay our electric bill.”
Us Poor Slobs:
Maybe the problem is i saw this in 2D, but that can’t be it either because the scenery was great and the special effects were amazing. i couldn’t tell where reality ended and the movie began as far as the landscapes, and the Middle Earth cityscapes looked so cool i wanted to visit them for reals. These are beautiful paintings, artistic even, but the problem is we want to see some movement in them. There is the charm of the previous movies here, but not the magic.
Super Cool Geeks: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was brilliant. Peter Jackson creates special effects that lift the genre out of Middle Earth and carry it to heaven. The worst part of the movie is the end because when the credits roll you remember you don’t live in the world you’ve been a part of for the last 2 hours.
“That’ll sure put some magic in the old wand.”
Us Poor Slobs:
You know how everyone was wondering if Jackson could make 3 movies from 1 kids book, when the LotR was 3 movies from 3 fat books? Well, instead of making one, single great fucking classic genius crowning glory film that people would be talking about for centuries, he’s gonna make 3 ‘meh’ movies.
Super Cool Geeks: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was awesome. We were afraid of setting our expectations too high, when now we realize we could never have set them high enough.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Of the 36 main characters listed on the IMDB page, only 1 is a woman.
Cate Blanchett Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Though the drawers are pretty empty for this post, i do have some shots of Cate stuffed in them at the bottom down there.
Uncredited in the movie but credited, thank God, on IMDB is the super lovely Renee Cataldo. You wanna know which Goblin she was? The hot one.
Drink: 1 Shot
With all the not an awful lot of anything going on in The Hobbit, there was also not an awful lot of drinking. The beginning had some drunken dwarfs but if you’ve ever been to Florida for spring break, this won’t be anything you haven’t seen before.
Drinking [his] wine when the dwarfs crash Bilbo’s place.
Mr Gandalf, a drop of wine as you requested. With a fruity bouquet.
Dwarf handing Gandalf a doll’s tea set cup of red wine
Dwarfs chugging and spilling beer and burping
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
You know you’re in trouble when the most exciting part of the movie is the preview for Star Trek Into Darkness that came on before the movie. OK, i’m being overly a dickhead but it’s because i missed out on the LotR movies when they came out and saw them on my tablet and thought the looked really cool and so i was hoping i could make up for it with The Hobbit and i couldn’t.
Yes, there were some action scenes and some of them weren’t too bad but there were too few and they were too predictable. i can’t fault them for being too short but i can fault them for being too far apart.
Oh, there was one funny thing and that was the wizard Radagast who they show getting high to chill out and make a reference to his doing too much ‘shrooms.
That’s it for the rock. Not for the music, though. Oh that it were. Prepare your mind for the blowing it’ll get when it witnesses not 1 but 2 musical numbers from the dwarfs and then another one from the fucking goblins. Is there not enough suffering in the world already?
Boring Technical Crap
J.R.R. Tolkien – (novel “The Hobbit”)
Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson & Guillermo del Toro – (screenplay)
Directed by: Peter Jackson
Cate Blanchett – Galadriel
Renee Cataldo – Goblin
Ian McKellen – Gandalf
Martin Freeman – Bilbo
Richard Armitage – Thorin
Hugo Weaving – Elrond
Christopher Lee – Saruman
Andy Serkis – Gollum
Sylvester McCoy – Radagast
Fans will always be fans and there’s nothing that Jackson can do to disappoint them. He could’ve made fucking Battlefield Middle Earth and everyone would be talking about his genius. Those of us outside the ring, though, will find the movie a little slow, unevenly paced and too soft for adults and too harsh for kids. Fans will think that too, but they won’t admit it.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Artist – Song
[Press 'Play' for a song this movie deserves]
Ramblings: Argo For It
Final Proof: 4 ½ Shots
You know how you get drunk on Thanksgiving? The second you arrive you feel at home and you settle in knowing the food is gonna be good because your mom’s a great cook and your little brother cracks you up and your dad will get drunk on Wild Turkey and tell some stories and your sister is a drama queen that makes the meal a little tense but not too much, just enough to keep you on the edge of your seat and the best thing about the dinner is none of these things but it’s the buzz you know is gonna come and only get better because it’s not the holiday getting you off, it’s the knowing it’s good while it’s happening. That’s what you’re going to be thankful for: you won’t wait until later to look back on this night fondly—you’ll feel damn good about it while it’s in your lap. That, Barmaids and Beerhounds, is exactly what Argo is like.
On the Set of the Porn Version of Argo: Arcum
Dear Ben Affleck,
You are a fucking genius.
i’m only going to say this once because to say it twice would be stupid. i fucking love this movie.
Be honest, Ben Affleck isn’t a bad actor but he looks better than he acts. Still, he’s a better director than either of those put together. Don’t believe me? Check out where i already said it when i reviewed The Town which was another kick ass movie.
Ben Affleck and the Ayatollah Howmany in a Battle of the Beards
Want me to give you some proof other than just saying he’s great over and over like a grateful groupie in his trailer with the residue of a tequila body shot mixing with sweat drying on her stomach while she’s being so ecstatically ridden she doesn’t even care he’s not wearing a condom? Sure, i can do that.
Smart Affleck kept the style of the 70′s throughout the entire movie and not just the props (pull tab cans of Tab, Star Wars action figures…) but the look and feel of the film as well. Hell, even the Warner Bros opening logo is the one used 1972-1984 and is all scratchy looking like the film was found back then. There’s that but there’s also the realism that Argo soaks in—for example the intensity of the Iranians taking over the American Embassy in Tehran in 1979. That scene is even more powerful because Affleck lets the story tell itself rather than trying to force it into the position he likes best.
“The 70′s is calling; they want everything back.”
Big Ben has this sensitive touch and it would have been way easy to pour on the drama and the fear and the shock and the tension but instead of being heavy handed his delicate touch puts in only the right amount of each and the overall effect is poignant respect. Like Canada. Who knew Canada was cool? Go ahead and make all the Canadian jokes you want to, i’m giving you permission, but when you’re done add a little “Thank You” because those pussies have balls. Argo will show you that, too.
Canada: The 51st State…they wish (Thank you, Canada)
No, i did not give this movie a full 5 shots and i’ll tell you why even if the explanation is boring. The first reason is the ending went on too long. Ben Gay spent a lot of time wrapping things up and there wasn’t even that much present. Next, he got a little carried away in the final scenes at the airport. Sure, he could’ve made it schoolery and that would’ve sucked harder because i would have given it less than 4½ shots and i woulda bitched that a movie isn’t a documentary and he should’ve taken some liberties to make it more exciting and he took my advice but he took it too far, is all. The last reason i didn’t give it 5 shots isn’t the movie’s fault. Argo is just a spy movie. Sure, OK, it’s a spy movie that rises above spy movies like a cloud of sensa-million floating out of James Bond’s mouth and going right over his head, but still, it’s a spy movie, people.
“Hello, this is Central Intellge–hold on, I can’t read the whole thing.”
In the end, Argo makes you feel something (which is better than feeling something in the end), exactly like the Thanksgiving i talked about up top. Affleck added the right amount of action (except a little too much at the end), humor, drama, history to make a movie you will remember when you’re going around the table, telling all the movies you’re thankful for.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
Nancy Stelle – Swissair Flight Attendant
The actresses were beautiful, as is my want, but hiding out in a Canadian embassy doesn’t really lend itself well to sex scenes in the shower, bikini pool parties or playful lesbian exploration. Point is, just because there wasn’t a lot of coming going on doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go out and see Argo.
Speaking of coming out, Clea Duvall has played a lot of lesbian roles and lesbians seem to think she’s a member of the Clan of the Cave Bare, so i’m thinking all we need is an exposé in the Bar None to push her all the way out of the closet. It goes something like this.
Clea DuVall Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i got more Clea shots in my nether drawers. Just scroll down to the end of this shit, then look for the link that says “Continue reading”, or the sign that says “Drawers”.
Also making an appearance was the beautiful Kerry Bishé, and the 70s really suited her. Of course, there’s quite a lot that suits her and here’s what i mean by that.
Kerry Bishé Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s also some drawer shots of her down there. Keep going lower until you hit bottom.
There were gobs of Silken Butterflies in this and i’m gonna start by talking about Nancy Stelle, the best one. And i’m not saying she’s the best because she was brave enough to let me interview her for the Booze Talkin’, because i don’t need to. Nancy played a Swiss Air flight attendant and because Ben Dover cut some of her scenes, you’ll see more of her here than you will in the movie.
Speaking of Booze Talkin’ (and isn’t everyone), i’m also going to do an interview probably for sure with the beautiful mind Amitis Frances Ariano, who was a Persian Dancer. She’s getting medical exams now (to be a doctor, not a patient), so the interview will have to wait until after she aces her tests. Here’s a sneak preview.
i say “probably for sure” because sometimes silken butterflies say they’ll do the interview and then they flit away without a word when i send the questions. Such was the case of Kelly Curran, who plays the lead of the movie within a movie during the dress rehearsal script reading. First, she accepted the interview then sobered up and ignored me like i was a tax collector ex-boyfriend.
Kelly Curran Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You know who is adorable? Because i do. It’s Sheila Vand. Sheila plays the Iranian maid and she does a kick ass job speaking Iranian, like i would know if she didn’t. What i also know is she has the cutest nose i’ve ever seen and it goes really well with the rest of her. Check it.
Sheila Vand Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
How could i not have shots of her in my drawers? Scroll down and you’ll see…
There was also an all too brief appearance by the one and lovely Taylor Schilling who showed up at the end as Tony’s wife, Christine Mendez.
Taylor Schilling Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Blah blah blah Drawer Shots blah blah.
One of the nice things about Argo was all the scenes they filmed in airports and airplanes, which means we get Swissair Gate Agents like Annie “Not So” Little…
…and British Airways Flight Attendants like model Allegra Carpenter.
Allegra Carpenter Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Definitely more shots of her hanging out in my drawers.
For those of you more interested in Arguys than Argirls, there was the still studly Ben Affelck who showed off his hairy yet buff chest in one scene where he changes. There’s also some debate about how serious he is when he says he’s been sober for 10 years, but that’s not my business. This is my business:
Ben Affleck Out of the Bar None
i put more shots of him on the top of the pile in my drawers.
A shout out is long overdue to Overdude Bryan Cranston who can go from the dad in Malcolm in the Middle to a meth manufacturer in Breaking Bad and kill both roles before doing a jig on their graves while he picks up his Emmy. His role in Argo is a little more traditional but he nails it like a frat guy with a case of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
Bryan Cranston in the Bar None
Drink: 2 Shots
There were a lot of scenes with booze but alcohol didn’t play a key part in the film so that boils down to 2 shots.
Here’s the blow by blow.
Wine in Canadian embassy hideout
Ben drinks Miller Lite at dinner with fast food
Whiskey at Hollywood restaurant
“Here are shots of you drinking vodka with Tommy Lee Jones at Sundance, sober Ben Affleck.”
Red wine @ Hollywood rooftop party
Whiskey toast, “Argo fuck yourself”
“To the Bar None. And formal track suits.”
We’re entering Iranian airspace and we’ll be coming through to collect any alcoholic beverages.
–Flight attendant on Tony Mendez’s (Ben Affleck) flight
Wine and whiskey and gin @ night before leaving party
Ben drinks shots of whiskey hotel room because he has to think
It is our pleasure to announce alcoholic beverages are now available as we have cleared Iranian airspace.
– Happy ending defined by booze
Champagne on the plane to celebrate
Rock & Roll: 4 Shots
4 shots and worth every drop. First, there was the suspense which Ben tossed up here masterfully like a master tosser. OK, yes, he jumped the shark in that one scene in the airplane where he sees the cop cars next to the plane but he was doing such a god lob until then that you gotta cut him a slack–and one shot off.
That awkward moment you realize you aren’t looking in a mirror.
(BTW, for those intellectuals reading this post, both of you, the real story of the “Canadian Caper” can be found at these kick ass sites i bothered to look up for y’all. “A Classic Case of Deception” is the story as told by Antonio “Tony” Mendez himself on the CIA’s website. Nate Jones gives a nice, behind the scenes comparison of the movie to the real event in his article “The True Story Behind Argo” at ForeignPolicy.com.)
Then there was the music. Ben got lucky that the late 70′s was ripe with tuneage, but he also avoided the disco balls. It was an easy call but he made it and he included Led Zeppelin and it was “When the Levee Breaks”. What was the last movie you saw that had “When the Levee Breaks” in it? Exactly. 4 full shots, babes.
He also included Van Halen’s “Dance the Night Away” (which did come out in ’79, i checked) and this song by the Rolling Stones which isn’t bad for a Stones song but is no “When the Levee Breaks”.
[Press 'Play' for a Little T&A]
Boring Technical Crap
Joshuah Bearman: article “Escape from Tehran”
Chris Terrio: screenplay
Directed by: Ben Affleck
Gayfield Chess Club Class Reunion
Nancy Stelle – Swissair Flight Attendant
Amitis Frances Ariano – Persian Dancer
Clea DuVall – Cora Lijek
Kerry Bishé – Kathy Stafford
Sheila Vand – Sahar
Kelly Curran – Princess Aleppa
Allegra Carpenter – British Airways Flight Attendant
Annie Little – Swissair Gate Agent
Taylor Schilling – Christine Mendez
Ben Affleck – Tony Mendez
Bryan Cranston – Jack O’Donnell
Alan Arkin – Lester Siegel
John Goodman – John Chambers
Repeat after me: “This is not an action movie.” Promise me you will see this movie but that you won’t be expecting an action movie, because then you’ll be disappointed. This is a a fucking awesome espionage movie with a lot of suspense and tension but no action. See it anyway.
“Is that your collar, Alan Arkin, or are you requesting clearance for take off?”
From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Rob Pattinson – It’s All On You
[Press 'Play' for something far too genuine for Twilight]
Here’s the mandatory cell phone shots as proof
Yeppers, the date on the poster is 11/16/12 and here i am posting this on 11/14/12 because we got this in Yeaman on Wednesday. Don’t be hating, rather be thanking me for sacrificing myself by seeing this before you so i can warn you away shouting “Save Yourselves!” while i try to wash the shit from my stinking eyes.
Ramblings: Breaking Down
Final Proof: 1 ½ Shots
You know how you you get drunk at Applebees? You’re surrounded not by cliche’s but by imitation cliches printed up in some factory in Boonies, Iowa and the beer tastes like beer but the buzz doesn’t feel like drunk rather like whatever the opposite of motion sickness is like stagnation sickness or demotion sickness because Applebees doesn’t go anywhere and makes you feel lower than when you started like fake snow just sitting at the bottom of a cheap plastic snow globe waiting for something to shake it up and make things happen but you can keep waiting because the waitresses keep changing and you can’t find any consistency beyond the sissy mocktails that keep appearing in front of you refusing to get you off like the hostess in her fake uniform standing not like a clone but like a robot of a clone. In the end the drama is as hollow as the cheap snow globe and the love is as sincere as the smile of an aging waitress stuck in the middle of her second shift. That’s what Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 2) reeks of.
“You just marked your territory on my leg, asshole.”
To be fair, i knew i wasn’t gonna like Twilight: BD 2 even before i went. To be super fair, i hated it even worse than i thought i ever could and to be super fucking fair they didn’t have to make it so goddamn easy to hate it.
Seriously, they didn’t even try to live up to the previous episodes. i felt like i was humping a prostitute whose makeup was rapidly disintegrating and she’d stopped caring long before i did and she already had my money so she wasn’t even going to pretend to try, just lie there and wait for it all to end. Which reminds me of the ending to this movie and i’m not going to give away any spoilers here but What The Hell, people? i don’t know if the ending of the book is the same of the movie but oh my god, if the book ended the same way i don’t get why teens all over the nation didn’t band together and burn Stephanie Meyer at the stake with a bonfire built of the last pages of this flaming shit.
A Better End
Was it really so bad? No, of course not…it was way fucking worse than that. Take the special effects. The effects were ‘special’ all right, short bus, safety leash, drool cup special. Who knew you could do CGI with a kindergarten pencil? You know what they CGIed here, because i’m gonna tell you right now. They CGIed the fucking baby and made it look like a monkey in a dress with Steve Buscemi’s face.
What else was bad? i can’t say the acting was bad—because there wasn’t any acting. It was just a bunch of interchangeable people standing around looking at each other and pouting. There was already no content to the story so they took this concept about as rich as decaf airplane tea and watered it down to make it last 2 hours. i’d like to say the script was bad, so i will. The script was fucking horrible with jokes that fell flat, inconsistencies and what the fucks aplenty, and characters who appear and disappear for no reason.
“That’s right, Renesmee, slap mommy again. She was a bad mommy who did the nasty with the bad director.”
Here’s what i hope. i hope at least one person reading this is offended and pissed off and leaves a comment full of venom and vitriol [it must me a word, spell check didn't flag it] defending this movie because i would love to see what anyone can see in this movie. Please, i’m begging you here people, one fucking redeemable quality, that’s all i ask.
Speaking of redeemable qualities, Dakota Fanning is now officially 18 but i think some of the shots floating to the bottom of the barrel online are still of her underage so i prefer to card her here and i’ll make more of an effort to find sexy pics for next time. Nothing age inappropriate going on in the Bar None.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
Sure, the women here are very attractive and they stay that way until their pert little lips slowly part and the insipid comments and flat voices fall out of their mouths like a dead tongue wanting to be french kissed.
We might as well start off with Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan dive) who shows some of her bare back and kind of rapes Rob Pattinson with her super human vampire strength in a scene that probably isn’t too far from reality and goes a long way towards explaining why Rupert Sanders ended up her huntsman. Here’s some happy hunting, to be sure. Let us prey.
Kristen Stewart Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
i got more single shots of Kristen in my drawers, down at the bottom. All you gotta do is click on the “Read More” link at the end of the review to open up that can of worm.
The coolest actress in this one by far was Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen) who is one sexy badass. Unfortunately, she’s absent for most of the movie and when you see the whole movie you understand why her character chose to flee at the beginning. Here’s what you missed.
Ashley Greene Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There are single shots of her in my drawers as well, at the end of the review.
Speaking of underused as a tampon in a Vampire’s bathroom, the ultimate Maggie Grace soaked up the screen while she filled it, but was discarded far to quickly and easily for my taste. Here’s something more lingering for you to savor.
Maggie Grace Bar None Booze Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
More shots of her in my drawers as well. What can i say, i have busy drawers tonight.
There were several ladies who lit up the screen and my only complaint about them is that they weren’t up there more than they were.
For example, there was Casey LaBow as Kate.
Angela Sarafyan as Tia:
Angela Sarafyan 01 in the Bar None
And the stunning Christie Burke as “Renesmee (Young Woman)”
For those of you more into the pricks than the sucking, Jacob (Taylor Lautner) hooks up with Renesmee which is weird enough when you think he spends half his life as a where wolf, but what’s even worse is that he “imprints” on her when she’s just born. Wow. i’m pretty sure imprinting on chicks without consent is against the law in every state except Alaska because they grow ‘em different up there but jesus, imprinting on a minor? On a baby minor?!
Are you understanding me, people? In this story, a giant dog falls in love with a newborn. Can you wrap your head around this? It’s fucking pedo-bestaility and this movie is rated PG-13? Where i come from this a special kind of sick and the only kind of punishment cruel and unusual enough for that shit is to make the guilty partiers watch Twilight Breaking Down (Part 2) in a loop.
“Please stop imprinting on me Uncle Jacob. It’s creepy and leaves stains on my dress.”
To punish Taylor, i’m posting a wallpaper of him with not just a shirt on, but a whole suit. You know what Taylor Lautner can do to a suit? Make it look pretty fucking ridiculous.
Taylor Lautner Suit Up Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Last on my least is Robert Pattinson who i feel for. Really. OK, so he can’t act, no one else in this movie can anyway. More importantly, he’s young and handsome and his hot girlfriend cheated on him in front of the whole world. It’s bad enough to be humiliated but to be humiliated on a global level…for your shame to go viral, man, that’s a new brand of suck for you to deal with. Plus, he’s so confused he even took her back which just means it’s going to happen again. Trust me. i know. It. Will. Happen. Again. Poor bastard. And he’s such a talented mother fucker as well and if you don’t believe me just go up and listen to the song i posted at the beginning of this post that you didn’t listen to when you had the chance and you should’ve. Poor bastard.
Robert Pattinson Musician Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i got some drunk shots of him floating in my drawers, as well.
Drink: 0 Shots
J Jenks drinks whiskey in a Seattle restaurant
Dad drinks beer while opening presents
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
i almost could’ve gone ½ shot on this but the fight scene at the end was the least boring scene and then they even rip that out from under you.
“I can beat you with one hand stuck up my ass.”
Here’s how Rock and Roll this movie was. Bella’s first kill as a vampire: She renounces a human kill for a deer—already very tame—but then she attacks a cougar that is jumping to attack the deer. Yes. The only time we see her feed in the whole movie is when she’s saving a deer’s life.
The least bad song of the movie is “The Forgotten” by Green Day.
There was also a nice song i can’t find a good copy of online called “All I’ve Ever Needed” by Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed (who also plays Rosalie Hale in the film).
Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan
Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen
Maggie Grace – Irina
Dakota Fanning – Jane
Andrea Powell – Sasha
Casey LaBow – Kate
Angela Sarafyan – Tia
Christie Burke – Renesmee (Young Woman)
Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black
Never. Don’t you ever. Don’t you dare.
Click to Read My Slaughter of Breaking Dawn Part 1