Feeding on the bottom these last two weeks, i’ve come up with a lot of dregs. We got a drunk woman playing with her meat, Jewish beer, 120 proof that Aussies are lost, a guy who drunk dialed 9-1-1 47 times, why no one should ever be cut off, a politician’s guide to bedding drunk girls & virgins, a drunk Christmas parader horsing around, Amish DUI, and outer space beer. Plus some really crazy stuff (can you say ‘Estonian poetry’?)…
Before we dive into the dregs, here’s a song that goes out to Serbian President Boris Tadic, from the juiced-box:
[Press 'Play' for Cavo - Champagne]
In a surprise move, Serbian President Boris Tadic didn’t get totally split faced from Champagne. He admitted in a Belgrade court that he drank the French Toilet Water in a sporting stadium to celebrate the national soccer team’s victory over Romania in a World Cup Qualifying match. Hard to deny it when there’s a photo of you breaking the law on the front page Serbia Today (or whatever the hell their national paper is called). “Breaking the law” because Serbian law forbids the partaking of alcoholic beverages in sporting arenas. In his favor, Boris waived his right to immunity and agreed to pay the fine of $730. In his disfavor, Tadic said he didn’t even like champagne. Right, like there’s any kind of alcohol a Serb would turn down.
On that note, here’s something to drink to: Serbian Girls.
Robert C. Zettoch was arrested when police showed up at his house after a 911 call. Unfortunately, he wasn’t sick. He was, however, stinking drunk on vodka. Seems Zettoch had been drunk dialing 911 about twice a month since September 2008. The regularity of his calls make me wonder if he was also getting phone sex. Blue balls count as a sickness, right?
You thought Bad Santa from November 15th’s dregs was something? Well, Patti Lynn Moore (46), also of Tennessee, certainly rode on his red coattails. Ms Moore was full to the rim on Christmas cheer when she decided to take a nap on the horse she was riding in the Shelbyville Christmas parade. Spectators who witnessed the scene called 911 and 15 minutes later the cops found the woman still asleep on her mount outside a motel. i heard she was on top and her partner was hung like a horse. She was arrested on charges of public intoxication.
If you think that’s funny, check out the first comment on the page:
We seen the woman on the square during the parade. She was very intoxicated and looked like she was still drinking at the time. I’m glad that she was arrested anything could have happened not just to her but to all that was watching the parade. Why on earth would one be drinking this much by 6:00 pm this is crazy and in front of children she should be ashamed of her self.
i could’ve said it better myself, but it wouldn’t have been half as amusing.
If people parading their alcoholism is getting old hat, what about the drunken Amish? They may forgo electricity, they may shun our modern ways, they may even refuse to have their photos taken, but they apparently aren’t averse to pounding a few drinks. Elmer Stoltzfoos Fisher (22), was busted when he fell asleep in his buggy and his horse straddled the middle line, probably thinking it was coke. Police came across the slow moving buggy and pounded on the door until Elmer woke up. He blew 0.18% on the BAC; click here if you don’t know what that means. Bet you 5 bucks and a shot that Tipple-Me Elmer had to get his picture taken at the police station, Amish or not.
Leave it to a Brit to think you have to prepare a list on how to bed a drunk person. Here’s all you need to know about having sex with a drunk person:
- Find a drunk person
- Have sex with them
British Speaker (which is more official than a Talker, i’m guessing) John Bercow, wrote an article for a magazine in 1986 called “The John Bercow Guide To Understanding Women”. In it he includes 5 sections:
- How To Pick Up Drunk Girls (Tell them, “‘If you’re free later, maybe we could go back to your place and name your breasts.’”)
- How To Pick Up Virgins (“Lying is good; the truth is bad. There’s nothing more dangerous than a hysterical virgin.”)
- How To Pick Up Refined Girls
- How To Get Rid Of A Girl During Sex (Apparently the need for this arises when “she won’t make sounds like a squirrel no matter how much you pay her.”)
- How To Get Rid Of Girls After Sex (We get two bits of advice here. 1) Say “‘Warning: Don’t move. I have just broken a test tube filled with the AIDS virus in bed.’” 2) Or, “‘I hate your tits.’”
Somehow i get the impression women bail on Bercow before he has the time to say anything.
As for drunks, i’m not convinced it’s difficult to bed one, but most of the time you wouldn’t want to anyway.
Twins Are Completely Lost Down Under
In New Zealand, a drunken bride stumbled away from her wedding reception and failed to show up at her honeymoon bed. (Looks like Bercow shoulda written another chapter: How To Get Your Newlywed Into The Sack.) Fearing abduction, emergency teams, including dogs and helicopters, were called and after a 4-hour search that cost several thousands of dollars, the woman was found passed out on the roadside, 15 meters in the bush. That’s a blushing bride.
In Australia, a man bailed on his travelling companion at 2am. He left their hotel and was spotted in a bar at 4am but disappeared after. Although he’d been in a bar, on Saturdays authorities launched a sea and land search. He finally showed up on Sunday afternoon in another bar, 7½ miles away. Someone needs to tell the Aussie police to chill like the beers the poor guy was pounding. He didn’t know there were search parties looking for him—he just didn’t want his companion to find him.
Anthony Gobbi (30) didn’t like being refused alcohol on a Saturday morning in the China Lion restaurant, in Lynn, Massachusetts. He didn’t like it so much that he came back with a loaded AK-47 and opened fire inside the place. i bet he was all like, “You cutting me off? Are you cutting me off? Why doncha say hello to my little friend…” Anyway, he musta been drunk to let loose with a machine gun and not even hit anyone.
A woman officers described as “intoxicated” was found pushing a shopping cart full of “meat and meat products” (and just what the hell is a “meat product” anyway, and how does it differ from “meat”?). She was charged with retail theft, even though she said she had taken the meat to give to her boyfriend who was currently in County lockup. Maybe the police woulda let her be if she’d only been stroking or beating it…
Seems like Jewish beer is getting more and more Israelis matzel-off. They make it with stuff like carob (yeah, like you know what that is), pomegranates, and spice it with rosemary and mint. There’s also one called “‘Trog Wit, made after Sukkot and using etrogs.” Is it me, or does this sound like Hobbit beer? Anyway, no big surprise that Israelis drink only 13 liters of beer per year on average (compared to 85 liters annually for Americans). Hell, i drink 13 liters of beer just to get out of bed in the morning, but then my brew is etrog-free.
Not to be outdone by their Jewish cousins, Japanese beer brewer, Sapporo, is selling 250 6-packs of beer at $110 a pop. Why so expensive? No, they don’t include school girl panties. What makes “Space Beer” so incredibly overpriced is that the barley used to brew the beer was cultivated by the Russians on their ISS space station. Drink this if you’re tired of seeing pink elephants and are looking for some little green men.
If you’re interested in applying for the lottery required to win the beer, click here. Hurry, though. The last day for applications is today, December 15th.
To start off, i’d like to thank Ken, once more and again. Several of the stories i dredged up here were brought to my attention by my most benevolent of patrons. Thank you once again, my Brother.
In staying with a theme that i began with this blog, i have a sample of Estonian poetry (c’mon, Serbian / Estonian it’s all the same freakin’ thing).
Last week, i noticed i was getting a lot of traffic from an Estonian forum concerning my The Truth About The 9/11 Shooter post. Wondering what the hell they were talking about, i entered their messages into Google Translate. Here’s what i got:
tangled Combspull the tube full of himselfown country, full of drinkHowever, if the story is not drinking alcohol, it seems to be much more precise result:wastedcondemned to goetc.“I can not wait when I am old enough that I could go to waste”“because” no sign, however, the temporal sequence