Oktoberfest Girls Kissing Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Time once again for that yearly event that is the closest the Germans will ever get to Christmas: Octoberfest. All the party hounds can now migrate Over the Wine and mark their territory there. They’ll trash Frankfurt, Hamburg and Cologne which, ironically enough, is also what will come up when they puke.
To celebrate the closing ceremony of this to Hell and Bacchanalia, i’m posting a quiz for you to determine if you are Octoberfest drunk or not.
The first question is, “Why are all the women in Octoberfest Wallpaper above kissing each other?”
Here’s a hint for you, brought to you by Buck Cherry.
The photographic answer to the question is coming, kind of, but until then here’s the rest of test to determine if you are just American Buzzed or Oktoberfest Bested.
What’s Wrong With the Pictures?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Before i give you the answers to that test, here’s the reason the Frauleins are kissing each other:
Oktoberfest Men
And now the answers to the Quiz:
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Soundgarden – Live to Rise
[Press 'Play' for the coolest thing you will hear all day.]
Ramblings: Why Chromosomes
Final Proof: 3 ½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in a bouncy castle? Sure, the idea looks good on paper because you’re combining two of your favorite things, drinking and bouncing, and there’s lots of action and lots of fun and you laugh a lot and get your kicks and sure, there are some moments when you get a little tired but your friends are super even if their jokes are often lame but the biggest advantage and the biggest weakness is the exact same thing: drinking in a bouncy castle means you can’t break anything, hurt yourself or take any risks and it’s nice to know you’re safe but sometimes it’s better to leave the safety zone and take some chances and get into the shit. So you have sweet and innocent fun time and you’d do it again in a heartbeat unless something else more better, more intellectualer comes along. That’s what seeing The Avengers was like.
The Avengers is The King’s Speech of action movies. It’s very well made and technically perfect with all of the boxes of “good movie” checked, like beautiful actors and good action and quips and zingers and extra special effects and good guys that are 100% good and bad guys that are 100% bad and the good guy wins and the bad guy loses and they all live happily ever after. It’s like guys’ gymnastics where they have that one routine when everyone has to do the same one. The Avengers is like that: perfectly executed and routine.
“Yeah, this does not look gay in every way.”
But sometimes you want popcorn and not corny pop and hard rock not pop rocks and whiskey not wine coolers and quicksand not Disney Land and a lap dance not romance. At those times you’ll be glad for The Dark Knight–but not The Avengers.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: ½ Shot
“Wanna feel the prick of my arrow?”
Thank god they could find one super heroine in the men’s club, because this really is a men’s club, didn’t you see what i wrote up there about guys’ gymnastics? Who watches guys’ gymnastics anyway? Men who don’t think Scarlett Johansson is hot, that’s who.
Scarlett Johansson – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper
Plus there’s some unbelievable shots of her stuck to the bottom of my drawers, at the end of this review. Scroll down until you get to the “Continue Reading” link and click away.
You know who else i was happy to see here and it’s not Robert Downey Jr even though i was happy to see him too? Cobie Smothers or whatever her name is from How I Met Your Mother. She was already very cute in that show even if i didn’t recognize her here for a minute or two in her military uniform. Let’s just say she looks better out of it.
Cobie Smulders Wallpaper – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper
Not to mention the shots of her in my drawers, after the “Continue Reading” link down there.
Don’t forget Gwyneth Paltrow, who’s back once again as Peter Stark’s love assistant. And what a back and ass-instance she was. There was this one scene with her in denim short shorts and, like Gwyneth or not, you’ll like her. Like this.
Gwyneth Paltrow Wallpaper – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper
Yes, more pixxx of her in my drawers, after the “Continue Reading” link at the bottom of this page.
The good news is that the magnificent Ashley Johnson had a brief appearance in The Avengers as “Waitress”. The bad news is that it was brief. Still, from the way she looked at Captain America, i have the impression we’ll be seeing more of her in the sequel.
For those of you more hooked on heroes than heroines…
Celeste E Hall giggled the whole walk home from this movie, confused like a deli patron unable to decide which hero was the hottest. To give her a hand, i thought i’d do a little poll dance. Vote below for the hero who carried you away the farthest.
If you need to examine these speci-men more closely, the full shots are after the “Continue Reading” link at the bottom of this post.
Scarlett Johansson In The Bar None
Drink: 0 Shots
What can i say, i got nothin’. The only notes i scrawled were:
Stark offers Loki a drink. “Sure you don’t want one? I’m having one.” Whiskey from a snifter.
[Later] Captured Loki says, “About that drink…”
Me So Horny
Rock & Roll: 4 ½ Shots
On a scale of Bright Star to the first Matrix, The Avengers holds its own (as i sometimes do, but with my left hand so i can pretend it’s someone else’s). Lots of action and only enough talk to knock it down 1/2 a shot. The special effects were solid and there was even some real rock and roll, beginning with the Soundgarden that kicked off this shit and including this old but still kicking AC/DC classic.
“Shit, I think I have this backwards.”
One interesting disappointment was the fights. Remember how you were a kid and talking to some buds while smoking some other ones, and you were all like, “Who do you think would win if [insert super hero] got in a fight with [insert different super hero]?” We now know the answer will usually be “It’d be a tie.” Especially if one of the combatants is Thor.
Based on these battles:
Thor v. The Hulk
Thor v. Iron Man
Thor v. Captain America
Thor v. Loki
The Hulk v. Black Widow
There were two cards that weren’t undecided:
Black Widow v. Hawkeye (Black Widow by TKO)
The Hulk v. Loki (The Hulk in a first round knock out)
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Stan Lee & Jack Kirby (comic book)
Joss Whedon (screenplay)
Zak Penn & Joss Whedon (story)
Directed by: Joss Whedon
Starring
Scarlett Johansson – Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow
Cobie Smulders – Agent Maria Hill
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Ashley Johnson – Waitress
Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Samuel L. Jackson – Nick Fury
Chris Evans – Steve Rogers / Captain America
Mark Ruffalo – Bruce Banner / The Hulk
Chris Hemsworth – Thor
Jeremy Renner – Clint Barton / Hawkeye
Tom Hiddleston – Loki
Clark Gregg – Agent Phil Coulson
Bottom Line
Definitely you should see this. If only because it’s the number one selling movie of all time. And you should see it on the biggest screen you can find. You know what they say, “Go big or go home (and watch it there).”
There She Goes, Pissed America… Rima Fakih Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Long time no dregs, so i’m back with a flash to look at some drunk ass shit going down in the world. Miss Drunk USA comes in both small and medium sizes, a drunk guy can’t get something off his chest, Amber Bynes is still drunk and has become Scout Willis’s rock ‘n’ roll model, plus Matthew Fox who played Jack on Lost still is.
Speaking of Jack, here’s Jack Johnson – Red Wine, Mistakes, Mythology
[Press 'Play' to 'take a piece of the sun and drink some']
Commoner Dregs
A toast to my brother from another drunkard, In The Same Boat, who brought this little bit of tid to my attention.
i’m allergic to exercise. Serious. Every time i try it, i sweat profusely and my heart rate increases and my breathing becomes labored so now all i do is watch TV because nothing bad happens to me that way. i’m also allergic to booze. It makes me break out in stupid. Mixing these? Are you on bath salts and after a little face time?
Apparently Chris Bailey, who used to be 28, was. He drank with his landlord in England until 3am when the landlord went to bed, but when the landlord woke up he saw the front door open and the garage light on and found Chris couldn’t handle the pressure…of the weights he’d been drunk lifting. Chris had been working out in the early morning and was dead, crushed by the weights he was lifting trying to lift. Look on the bright side, Chris, at least you’ll be the burliest mother fucker in heaven. Maybe not in hell, though–they got lots and lots of burly fucks in hell– so let’s hope you’re going to heaven.
Here’s another reason, like you need one, not to lift weights.
Female Weightlifters’ Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Y’all remember Amanda Bynes from that one post where i told you about her so drunk driving that she crashed into a fucking police car? When she was so fucking drunk she refused every kind of test they could throw up at her? Of course you don’t remember because you were so into the photos that you forgot how to read but i’m here to remind you.
Guess what? She just went to fucking court drunk and i’m not even kidding because she pleaded innocent. After she hit a police car. And refused every drunk test that exists. The only logical explanation for her innocent plea is that she was so drunk her lawyer caught a contact buzz off her breath and oozed all the shit she wanted him to.
Go ahead and think i’m kidding because i know you and that’s what you’re thinking but how else do you explain her tweeting Obama himself to have her arresting deputy fired? If that’s not drunk tweeting i don’t know what is, and trust me, i know what is.
There seems to be a rash and not just the one that itches me late at night when it rains but one of minors getting arrested for underage drinking. For example “Boy” Scout Willis was popped like a cherry for underage drinking and identity theft because she had a fake ID (how much you wanna bet it was Michelle Rodriguez’s driver’s license she lost at some Tijuana strip club during a drunken lap dance for Rumer Willis?).
Scout Willis isn’t a Minor, Her Parents are Too Famous
Adding to that rash is minor starlettes pleading Not Guilty by Reason of Infamity, i.e. too almost famous to have a record for drinking crimes. i rest my case in point on my lap and will tell you that Scout “Jamboree” Willis pleaded innocent to her charges as well and told her Dad to Die Hard the court’s ass.
Here’s a Miss America i’m proud to have voted for. Rima Fakih (as in “Fakih, Fakih 10 dolla’) truly represents the intellectual cross section that is the U.S., especially how she gets pulled over drunk driving with an open bottle of French champagne and tries to get out of it by saying she’s Miss USA like it’s a real title and when that doesn’t work, she lies on Twitter about it by tweeting, “Wrong Rima Fakih” because the name ‘Rima Fakih’ is as common as … hmm, absolutely fuck all which is why i think she rocks and deserves to be Miss America. She reminds me a lot of some of the women i’ve dated in my life or at least dreamed of dating just like i dream of being with a Miss America so there you go, told you she was the right woman for the hand job.
Rima Fakih Drunk Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
BTW, for those of you who haven’t given up on this post yet (and god bless you for your courage), she was sentenced to 6 months probation and 20 hours community service which might have something to do with pole dancing, i’m not sure. It would go a long way to explaining the shots of her pole dancing i got stuffed in my drawers at the bottom of this post.
Not to be undone, Miss Teen Arizona 2010 (it was a very good year) decided to take it a step further by getting popped like a zit for DUI but this time, while only 18 years old. And just like that, the number one person in the world i wanna party with goes from Kirsten Dunst to Tori Vance.
Tori Vance Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
The cops pulled her over for puling an illegal u-ey and suspected she was drinking so they arrested her ass and the rest of her too but especially her ass and she hit just over 0.08% on the BAC which is the minimum to win a free trip to booking central.
There’s lots more drawer shots down there, Yo, after the “Continue reading…” link.
Does Matthew Fox have a drinking problem? He’s fucking married to a woman named “Margarita Raunch” (Margherita Ronch), people.
Matthew Fox, dashing good guy hero figure of TV’s Lost, continued his downward spiral by getting popped for a DUI recently and that’s not even the most interesting thing he’s ben in deep, deep, trouble for, because this is the guy who nearly went to the pokey for punching a vagina. Punching. A. Vagina. He hit below the belt after he had one, basically. Hey, i punched twats when i was drinking, and i even punched assholes, but i never ever punched a vadge, ask any of the cunts i know.
You know what it is and you don’t so i’ll tell you, it’s the Get Lost curse. Y’all are pro’lly too young to remember but way back in 2005 i talked about how Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros got bustedthe same freaking night for DUI. If you’re keeping score and you know i am, that makes three Losers Losties and here’s a toast to my being around Evangeline Lilly before she either gets busted with “the others” or Foxy punches her in her Evadgealina.
A Toast to Evangeline Lilly
So yeah, there are a lot more Foxy shots in my drawers with the rest of ‘em.
Bar None Dregs
Happy Father’s Day!
Father’s Day in the Bar None
That Saint Pauly kid posted another couple of his What The Fuck? Watch The Film reviews.
First up is Amber Heard’s abortion with John Carpenter, The Ward.
Then, just in time for Father’s Day, there’s Rebecca de Mornay’s Mother’s Day:
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Stephen Stills – Love The One You’re With
[Press 'Play' for some oft referenced Stephen Stills]
Ramblings: Space Campy
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in your old high school? You bring beer, break in, then rode the halls and reminisce on good memories that age like brandy, smooth and mellow and maybe a little better than when they were made. What’s nice is that the school’s been all remodeled and looks fucking great and you can’t believe all the high tech gadgets they got now that they didn’t have when you were a kid so you play with them a little bit and get all set to settle into a nice night that may generate a few memories of its own…until some asshole pulls the fire alarm and you have to run outside into the playground and you stumble around and get more drunk and bang your head on the monkey bars and puke on the swing while you’re swinging so that you swing into your vomit and it streaks your cheeks and stains your shirt and fills your lap and the night is cashed like a keg of warm beer gone stale. That’s sorta what Prometheus was like.
i can tell you right off the bat that i gave this somebitch 3 shots because the first half of the movie was 4 shots and the second half was 2 shots and the average of that is too hard for me to calculate so i’ll just round up to 3.
The beginning was incredible. What’s-his-name the director…Ridley Scott, there you go, filmed Prometheus in 3D rather than just stapling 3D shit on top after and you can really really tell when you watch the opening scenes. The vistas and the valleys and the crags and shit look awesome and then, when you start noticing the planet scape of the outer space lands you realize he even made the cloud formations look unique and you start to appreciate just how far out there “Out There” is and you appreciate the whole other-worldly other world Scott created. Like Avatar on vodka spiked with anti-freeze. Truly wondrous.
After half a movie of this, just when you think you can relax and enjoy the show, the film turns to shit without warning. There are so many “WTF?” moments that you’ll wonder where you’ve been transported and what happened to the movie you were just watching. Scott feels obligated to force feed you shots of the original Alien (female leads, schmarmy androids with an agenda…) which he thinks are tradition but in fact are just cliche and tired. It’s like he meticulously manicured a marvelous castle of mud and then, just when you started appreciating its true beauty, he pisses all over it and makes it crumble around you.
What else do you want from me? Noomi Rapace makes the jump from the Swedish Girl With A Dragon Tattoo to US blockbusters a droitly or even two droitlies. She does a decent job here in her role as Sigourney Weaver wannabe except, as my wife Celeste E Hall pointed out, Noomi’s character Elizabeth Shaw is a wimpy scaredy pussy compared to Weaver’s Ripley (believe it or not) but that’s not Noomi’s fault, it’s Ridley’s for directing her into that corner.
Michael Fassbender is the same. He does a great job doing that acting thing but his character is all WTF’ed and he ends up gloriously portraying Lost In Space‘s Robby the Robot. Plus i heard he’s a conceited prick in real life so i don’t like him anyway and it’s got nothing to do with his penis probably being bigger than mine.
Basically, if you’re invested in the Alien series you’ll get your money’s worth from this one and there’s nothing i’ll be able to tell you that’ll convince you that it’s not as good as you think it is, but for the rest of us humans who don’t need to revisit space camp you should go and see something good instead.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1½ Shots
The only sex scene is the buzz kill and that’s just how bad it is.
The closest thing we get to nudity is the Alien, who has one of those mouths that look like a vagina. Like in The Thing. Because male film directors are misogynists.
Sure, there’s Charlize Theron (36) but the only sex scene with her happens off screen and the only time she gets hot is when it’s cold and her uniform is tight. Trust me, she’s a lot sexier here in the Bar None than she ever was in this movie.
Charlize Theron Collage: Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There are more drawer shots at the bottom. You hafta click on the link that says “Continue Reading…” down there ↓.
Then there also was Noomi Rapace (32). She was the Swish (because everybody knows Swiss and Swedish is exactly the same fucking thing) actress who starred in Swish version of the Swish book The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. She showed a lot more skin than Charlize in this puppy, like that one shot i put at the top of this section that i called “Elizabeth Shaw Swaddled” in my notes.
Noomi Rapace Collage: Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i got some drawer shots of her as well. Just scroll to the bottom and look for the button that says “Continue Reading…”
For those of you more into Predators than Mother Ships, here’s Michael Fassbender.
Michael Fassbender Collage: Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Plus, i got some Bar None shots of him at the bottom, in my drawers.
Drink: 2 Shots
Almost nothing but the fact that there was anything when this takes place in outer fucking space is already something.
A vodka. Up.
Vickers / Charlize Theron ordering a vodka from the android
Cool scientist drinking vodka from the bottle while in the lab
[He] gets drunk in pool room and android comes to keep him drunk
Champagne spiked with Alien bile
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
You want to know what this move is like in rock and roll terms? “Owner of a Lonely Heart” by Yes. It starts of really cool and you think you have rock on your hands and then it gets all soft on you and everyone knows you can’t play pool with a rope.
Boring Technical Crap
“If you want, Noomi, I can put you on my shoulders so you can see better.”
Written by: Jon Spaihts, Damon Lindelof
Directed by: Ridley Scott
Starring
Noomi Rapace – Elizabeth Shaw
Charlize Theron – Meredith Vickers
Michael Fassbender – David
Logan Marshall-Green – Charlie Holloway
Bottom Line
When Noomi gets into the automatic surgery box, either abandon ship or fasten your seatbelt because that’s the moment this bitch looses power and goes down in flames.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Joking aside, all that’s left is pictures. Click on this link for that.
Fresh off the screens here in Yeaman where they love us more because they give us the movies before the rest of the world. Proof of that is On The Road was here in June 2012, and here’s the shots to prove i saw it before you did.
The Bar None in “On the Road”
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Jake La Botz – Hard To Love What You Kill
[Press 'Play' for something real and truer than anything you'll find in the film.]
You know how you get drunk with writers? They sit there across from you wearing the adhesive name tag “writer” like a medal of honor that makes them better than the rest of the world or at least better than you and they talk down to you making all these obscure references to make you feel stupid and they tell all these tales about how intense and crazy their lives are but their lives are less lived than yours as they slosh in the booth across from you and you’d think at least the stories would be interesting but these are writers not characters and especially not story tellers so all you get is this drivel like spittle dribble off a spoiled baby’s bib except you get a lot of it because everyone knows writers drink too much too often. Basically you end up drinking with a deaf guy getting blind drunk who rattles on like an engine that’s been shut down but still has too much fuel in the lines so it goes on and on and on long after you tried to shut it down. On the Road is a lot like that.
So Write and So Wrong
i knew i wasn’t going to like On the Road even before i saw it and it didn’t disappoint. There’s a Buick full of reasons i didn’t and i’ll try not to bore you with all of them but the main reason i didn’t like it was that it made me hate writers and more especially writing. Not unlike the book and this is a movie review not a book review but i’m gonna throw this up right here that the book On the Road, while certainly an iconic novel through no fault of its own, is just not that good of a book. If that makes me a heretic, crucify me, i’ve been living on borrowed crosses long enough as it is.
The only good thing that can be said about Jose Rivera’s script was that it didn’t try to make a story out of a novel that had no story. The bad things we can say is that the writer portrays ”writers” as these pseudo-intellectual, self important, self absorbed, self centered, egotistical assholes who act as though they play by a different set of rules than the rest of the people and that they’re justified in treating other people like shit because they’re artists and that means the rest of the world has to let these evolved and tortured souls wipe their feet on those that love them before trampling them to death. This kind of hyper realism got on my nerves. Maybe the hardest part is that i consider myself a writer and i saw myself in these characters and i hated these characters so On the Road gave me an overdose of self loathing, which is OK if that’s what the flick is going for but the directing reeks of pretentiousness like the movie is a pedestal where we place these assholes so we can look up at them but that’s not a pedestal it’s pederasty. OtR comes off as a private message from writers and film directors to their loved ones saying, “Yes, world, I treat you like shit but it’s because you are shit and I deserve to treat you that way.”
So On the Road buys into the myth-conception that is the book, but even going down that one-way street, the film runs into a cul de sac because of the actors. No offense against Garrett Hedlund but fucking Dean Moriarty / Neal Cassady was a rusty gun that couldn’t stop firing on all cylinders and soared with such intensity that he was a shooting star burning for decades across endless night skies long enough that all those who saw him could not stop making wishes. Neal Cassady had enough life for two lives and he fucking proved it by becoming a Beat icon to On the Roadies and drove on to become a hippy icon as described in Tom Wolfe’s Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. How many generations have you influenced today? Well, Neal Cassady did two. And you’re going to find a Hollywood actor to portray that? There are some things that can’t be acted, man.
“Better luck next time, man.”
At least Hedlund tries, for christsake. Kristen Stewart figured because she was going topless she didn’t even have to act her age and whoever the fuck was trying to be Carlo Marx / Allen Ginsberg (wait, the actor was Tom Sturridge ) decided the melodramatic lines he had to recite were neither mellow nor dramatic enough so he turned the knob up to 11 where it was so painful to hear what he was saying and how he was saying it that even the dogs outside the movie theater were howling.
Twi-Harder Next Time
You wanna insist on seeing this movie? See it for Viggo. Viggo Mortensen as Old Bull Lee / William S. Burroughs is a sight to see and you can almost see the other, younger actors weeping with relief during their scenes with him because he gives the movie credibility and it’s like when you’re 10 and drunk and set the house on fire but your parents come home and take control of the situation and make everything all right again. Parents? Parents indeed because the amazingly underrated Amy Adams plays a mother of a mother Jane (Joan Vollmer, Burroughs’ common law wife he would later shoot and kill in Mexico during a drunken reenactment of William Tell). Her performance defies defiance and rocks so much madness i couldn’t stop wondering how the hell it was that she didn’t get a meatier role because she acted the shit out of everyone else in the place.
Walter Salles (the director) couldn’t even make smoking look cool. He did a good enough job recreating the scenes and images of the Beat Generation, Denver in ’65 and hobos scribbling with stub pencils but then when people showed up and started acting, the movie pretty much went into a tailspin and skidded off the road and into a ditch.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 4 Shots
4 Shots! i know, right!? And the crazy thing it’s not just because Kristen Stewart goes topless for the first time not once but three times.
The nice thing about this movie going deep up into writers’ guts through their asses is that we get a butt load of sex because writers run on booze and feed on sex.
Kristen Stewart topless on the bed
Lots of guys hugging Kristen Dunst in a negligee
Dean sleeps with Rita from the other room [wtf?]
3 people in bed (2 guys 1 girl) [this would be Dean, Rita and Carlo]
Bisexual side [story with Dean]
Terry [Alice Braga] topless sex in a tent with a little boy [watching]
Lots of grunting in the movie
Dean describes a 4-hour sex orgy
Dancing like sex as KS [Kristen Stewart] comes while dancing
KS in a bra, Sal & Dean & KS 3-way
KS 3-way with her bra on i bet she’s like that in real life
KS groaning sex scenes are awkward & uncomfortable
KS bj while [the guy is] driving while 2 other guys in back seat
Viggo bottomless [as in male nudity, from behind]
KS topless giving hand jobs to guys on each side while [one of them is] driving
KS and Sal sex in hotel room (KS topless sex scene)
Steve Buscemi and Dean, Dean on top
Mexican whorehouse
So yeah, Kristen Stewart (22) lost her screen cherry here a couple times. If only her acting were as fine as the rest of her.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i stuffed a lot of shots of her in my drawers all the way at the bottom.
Kristen Dunst was also in On the Road but, like a skinny chick on a mattress, she didn’t make much of an impression. She’ll catch a lot more eyes here and now with this…
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Not only do i have shots of her bulging from my drawers, you have gotta check out the collage of her drunk i also keep there. Just keep scrolling down until you hit pay dirty.
Wrapping this up is the One Who Ruled The All, Amy Adams (37).
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
For those of you more into hard pavement than soft shoulders, there was the newcomer, Garrett Hedlund (27)…
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
And the old timer…Viggo Mortensen (53).
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
In the interest of equality, i got all kinds of guys shots stuck to the bottom of my drawers as well. Down there. ↓
While her appearance wasn’t all that brief, i’m sticking Alice Braga (29) here. She’s an actress we’ll probably be hearing a lot more from, and righteously so.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Alice Braga in the Bar None
Drink: 4 Shots
i don’t think i’ve ever seen a movie with so much sex and booze that i liked so little. Sure, there was a lot of drug experimentation here but one of the things i like about the Beats you don’t get so much with the Hippies is that they really drank and drank hard and drank long as this movie attests to.
I have enough for a pint of whiskey until dinner.
–Sal in the back of a pickup truck with other hobo hitchers
Beer (Bud) in a bottle when the men meet
The party goes from night to dawn
You can’t smoke but you can drink in this car.
–The driver of the truck hauling dynamite to Sal. They both hit from a labeless glass flask.
Drinking beer at Rita’s in bed
Hobos in Denver drinking by homeless trash can fire
I wish I could drink whiskey like a man.
–Kirsten Dunst drinking beer at dinner
Wine at Sal’s sister’s Christmas dinner
Gay Carlo drinking at a jazz club
Viggo drinking martinis. He shares it with Amy on his lap
Sal drinking beer and writing on the porch
Sign “No beer sold to Indians” [in a bar]
Sal and Dean drinking beer in a bar after KD [Kirsten Dunst] kicked him out
Steve Buscemi bringing a bottle of whiskey bottle and glasses to Sal’s and Dean’s hotel room
Pitchers of beer while rewriting with Carlo
Dancing and drinking at the Mexican whorehouse
Drunk on bad juju in Mexico City back streets
Sal drinking [shots] while he writes On the Road
Rock & Roll: 2 shots
There was no rock in the film but sometimes that’s OK. Like when the soundtrack is full of awesome Beat jazz riffs that roll off your tongue like a crazy hot chick’s candy dripping in your ear. Or when you have someone like Jake La Botz, who i didn’t know until i saw this movie.
At the end, there’s this killer folk blues song about how “It’s Hard To Love What You Kill” and i scribbled that into my book thinking a line that incredible had to be famous like Friday night but nope. i dug and dug and dug on the internet and finally unearthed the song which i stuck at the top. i went through his YouTube songs and happened to enter his name on Spotify and found out he has like 4 albums and i’ve been listening to them in a constant loop for two days because, what can i say, the man’s music reminds me of what it was like to be young the first time.
Not only did i find out La Botz has a cameo as a hitcher in the film, i also learned he was fucking coming to Yeaman. So i Facebooked him and he friended me and Bob’s your drunk, we hooked up before his show for a sit down.
Jake La Botz (center) is Doomed to Meet Me Thursday
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Jack Kerouac (book), Jose Rivera (screenplay)
Directed by: Walter Salles
Starring
You wanna see something funny? The “Full Cast List” over at IMDb says that the cast is listed by alphabetical order, but Kristen Stewart’s name is at the top…
Kristen Stewart – Marylou
Amy Adams – Jane
Kirsten Dunst – Camille
Alice Braga – Terry
Viggo Mortensen – Old Bull Lee
Garrett Hedlund – Dean Moriarty
Sam Riley – Sal Paradise
Jake La Botz – Okie Hitchhiker
Steve Buscemi
Tom Sturridge – Carlo Marx
Bottom Line
My favorite parts of the movie were the scenes with no actors or dialog. ‘Nuff said.
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Al K Hall’s Drawers
It’s all over but the photos. Click on “Continue Reading…” to see them. i’ll stick the guys in the drawers first just to be a gentleman…
Jenna Jameson invents a whole new kind of Dirty Pole Dancing, James Bond gets rich drinking beer, and Kate Middleton, the already rich Princess of Tarts, would like to teach the world to drink. Then all kinda dregs are running round round baby in the Bar None dregs.
To kick things off, how ’bout something from the Juiced box and dedicated to Jenna Jameson: Airbourne – Cheap Wine & Cheaper Women.
[Press 'Play' for something like Jenna Jameson on a roller coaster...cheap thrills]
What do you call a Jubilee with no cherries? A Diamond Jubilee and they have them like every year in England. My favorite princess (well, after Clotilde Courau), Kate Middleton, invited everyone over to her palace to get them Royally drunk. i bet they served Crown Royal.
i crammed some shots of Kate into my drawers down there.
The news is out that 007% will now order a Heineken beer and not his dry martini in the next Bond movie that i’m not gonna name here because i’m against publicizing the shit that powers the powers that be.
At least it’s not cheap beer. Heineken paid the movie folk 45 million dollars for James to saddle up to the bar and order an “Icy Heinie, shaken then slurred. “
Of course all these Bond purists have their Miss Moneypanties in a wad because it’s not cricket, but i bet they wouldn’t have so many scruples if someone offered them $45,000,000 to drink a beer. Hell, i’ve been in Alcoholics Anonymous for well over a year and i for sure could afford to fall off the wagon a little bit for 45 million. Anybody who tells you different doesn’t know what money is.
The category is: things porn stars do to poles. Award winning actress Jenna Jameson got to banging again last week except this time it was a telephone pole and that’s not even a euphemism. She hit the bottle and then the pole and she’s just wishing it was a strip pole. It doesn’t seem she rear ended it but she will no doubt be sore because she refused medical attention and went straight to the slam-her (yes, i did and i’ll do it again if i have to ).
She was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving because she smelled like the insides of Ron Jeremy’s Depends after he nurses his rum but she was in and out of the pokey faster than a premature incarceration. Anyway, i know y’all only read this for the wrecks, so here it is.
Jenna Jameson: After / Don’t Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper
Yeah, i got some extra shots of Jenna bulging out of my drawers down at the bottom of this mess.
LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey) Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
To all you mothers out there… a special Dregs dedicated to those special women in our lives that make each day easier, better and sweeter–and our mothers, too. i’d also like to take this opportunity to come, come, come out in support of Obama’s pro-gay marriage stance. i think my position on the issue should be pretty clear from the above collage / wallpaper. You know who’s joining me? Mariah Carey was Lesbian for an evening as well. Read on!
Commoner Dregs
2012-05-13: Putting the ‘Mother’ Back in ‘Mother Fucker’
Rather than spew on and on about how much i love mothers, i thought it’d be a less fitting and more interesting tribute if i went through my a Top 10 Lips of…
10 Mothers In The Bar None
1. A good mother teaches her daughter a career
2. A smart mother teaches a career by example
3. A good mother keeps liquor out of her children’s reach
4. A proud mother takes frequent pictures of her children
5. A Fairly God Mother lives like Sleeping Beauty: Happily Ever After
6. A concerned mother provides air bags even on a bicycle
7. A protective mother looks out for her baby. And her dog. In the tub.
8. A thoughtful mother is always prepared
9. A loving mother stays by her child forever and ever. No matter what.
XXXX, an Australian beer, has made the brave decision of coming out of the closet in erecting an ivory tower of support for US President Obama’s backing stance behind gay marriages. While not officially stating this, their latest promotional event makes it clear that the fourth X in their Triple X is NOT a chromosome.
Their idea is to send four mates out on an island alone, with no women. You can “banter with your mates” on this “ultimate destination for mates’ trips away”, and as for the rest, well: “The sunny sky’s the limit.“
You’ve heard of LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation), but here’s LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey). Maria Carey celebrated gay marriage in her own way by going out (and in and out and in and out and in) to The Abbey in West Hollywood which everybody knows is a lesbian bar. Hairy Carey hung out until closing time and then went somewhere else to hang out. Let’s face it, she hangs out a lot, wherever she goes.
Mariah Carey Hanging Out
Bar None Dregs
Just to let you know, Saint Pauly posted another not unfunny review at that site he keeps afloat. What can i say? He’s got a good sense of humor, which is a good thing because he needs one with the face he’s got.
Thanks for patronizing me, Barmaids and Beerhounds,
Once again, the powers that Be (as in B-5…Hit!) decided it was better for everyone if we here in Yeaman got to see (as in C-3…Miss!) movie before (Hit!) they trusted the American audiences. Don’t believe me? Check it from my phone.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: AC/DC – Hard As A Rock
[Press 'Play' for Rock Hard]
Ramblings: More ‘Hit’ than ‘Miss’
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk and play bored games? At first you’re all like, “Nah, that’s lame. I don’t want to play a fucking game, let’s drink more,’ but then your cousin says you can do both so you figure what the hell, might as well, he paid for Taco Bell so you break out the Battleship and set up the board and the first half hour is like American beer: bland and weak, until you accidentally find yourself getting into it and you remember that Battleship isn’t too bad of a game really and you start actually having fun even after the end-game point where it’s obvious who’s going to win. No way you’re going to play the damn thing every day like you did when you were 12, but you leave his basement glad you gave it a shot.
i know you were wondering how in the hell they could make a movie out of a kids’ game and if you weren’t, i was wondering it enough for he both of us. i’m gonna be Frank (because anyone’s better than being me), for the whole first half hour i thought they blew it because each scene was drawn out an extra 3 minutes longer than it needed to be and i started thinking Sorry would have made a better movie than this sorry shit, until…when the excitement started, the movie got exciting.
If you wanna be late, this is the perfect movie to be late to. Go ahead and shotgun and extra Pabst or two in the parking lot before you go in because if you miss the first half hour you’re not missing anything.
This is not to say there was smooth sailing after the stormy seas. Rhianna is a lot of things like hot and a party girl and…well, OK, she’s two things but actress isn’t one of them. Brooklyn Decker out-acted Rhianna, s’what i’m saying. If i were y’all i’d try to get over to Yeaman as soon as possible to see this movie because they may cut some of her shit and there’s tons to cut from as she’s basically in every scene because apparently there’s a job in the Navy which is “Gun Bitch” meaning you shoot everything from canons to machine guns to torpedoes on the boat, off the boat, in the boat…
Speaking of tons to cut, there was one scene i won’t spoil for you here because to truly enjoy the extent of the absolute corniness you have to cringe to it without warning, but there was a heroic scene that was so ridiculous it had everyone in the theater rolling in the aisles. It’s so bad that if you see the movie and say to someone else, “You know that one scene…?” they’ll be all like, “Yeah, the one where________.” If the producers want to be nicer to you than to me, they’ll cut that shit out. Literally.
But wait, i told you i liked the movie and i really did. There was lots to like, swear to god. Like i already said, once the action started there was action and it was super helped by the special effects which were truly special even if i didn’t see this in 3D and occasionally got distracted by the effects special for 3D that looked stupid in 2D.
While cliches were the depth chargers that mined this movie, there were a couple things that helped helped buoy this Battleship and keep it off the rocks. Thing #1 was the American soldier giving up command of his boat to a Japanese guy with more experience. A surprise move because who expects this kind of shit to be realistic. Thing #2 was that even some good guys died. Sure, not the heroes, but some people on our team died and this always helps make a movie better than TV. My favorite thing, though, was Thing #3. There’s this one character with artificial limbs that looked too good realistic to be CGI and turns out, sure enough, the actor is a physically handicapped veteran whose legs were blown off by a roadside bomb in Baghdad as he was coming back from a memorial service for two dead soldiers from his brigade. Hat’s off to Lieutenant Colonel Greg D. Gadson–Respect.
Those things helped make the movie worth the watch. Basically, Battleship was better than i expected it to be, but i expected it to be really really bad.
The “Battleship” Game in Battleship
Yes, there was a nod to the game “Battleship” in the movie Battleship. The above screenshot shows the set up of the board, and in one scene the good guys were unable to use their electronic telescopes to see the bad guys, so they had to use tsunami detecting buoys in the water to find the bad guys’ location. When a buoy moved, the captain would yell out the coordinates, “C-42″ for example, and Rhianna would fire there. Once, when missile attained its target, someone even yelled out, “It’s a hit!”
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2½ Shots
There were only two ladies in the movie, so the shot ratio got sunk before it even left the dock, but the two ladies where Hip Hop Pop Rock Roll Model Party Hard Bod Rhianna and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Goddess BrOOklyn Decker (and if you don’t know why i use “OO” in her name, you don’t know who BrOOklyn Decker is). i already mentioned i was surprised to find BrOOklyn Decker (25) acting circles around Rhianna, who i found a little flat and no, i don’t mean in the bikini department. ‘Course maybe that’s explained by the fact BrOOklyn is a method actress, whose method consists of running around in tight, low cut tops in slow motion.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be lots of shots of her filling my drawers, if you wanna scroll all the way down.
i already mentioned Rhianna (24) is a party girl but i’ll prove that later. i also already told you she can’t act but you’re gonna have to take my word for it until you see this on the big screen but what i am able to prove to you right here is that she is hot. Red hot.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i got more shots of her in the drawer, under BrOOklyn Decker, if you can believe that.
For those of you more into Hits than Mrs, there was a lot for you here.
Following his is an actor i can’t take seriously because he’s too fucking kitsch. Literally. His fucking name is Kitsch for god’s sake. Fortunately for Taylor Kitsch (31), he made Battleship before John Carter came out and he was even luckier that this one came out second so there’s a chance people will forget he tanked before he shipped out. Another little known fact about the ex-model is that he’s allergic to shirts.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Also, i’d like to have a drink to him for not using his good looks in this movie. He had to go the military haircut route and, while this may not be the best look for him, it helped me take him seriously as an actor. So did the fact i didn’t know he was a top-less model before i started looking for photos of him online.
To wrap this section up, Mrs D has a soft spot for our man Liam Neeson (59), so imma post a rerun shot of him. Here you go, babe!
Click On The Image For Wallpaper
Drink: ½ Shot
And i started out with such high hopes, too. The movie begins in a bar with big brother Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgård) toasting his little brother Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) because it’s the little Hopper’s birthday. They drink shots with Bud chasers until Samantha Shane (BrOOklyn Decker) comes in and asks for a chicken burrito.
See, that’s what i was talking about when i was talking about her method of acting.
The only other booze reference is displayed in the Decker / Kitsch shot heading off the sex section up there which shows the beautiful people rolling around on top of each other with wine bottles next to them.
While i’m in this section, though, let’s take a quick look at the cast shots i got of them in the Bar None.
Rhianna in the Bar None / Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Alexander Skarsgard in the Bar None
Taylor Kitsch in the Bar None
There’s gallons more shots of Rhianna drinking hitting the very bottom of my drawers.
Rock & Roll: 4 Shots
Yes, i will go all the way up to 4 shots on this one and let me tell you why.
First off there was the incidental music track which rocked the boat thanks to the presence of Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello, who worked on at least two of the tracks here.
Plus, there were a lot of songs in the movie that weren’t part of the traditional soundtrack. i scoured the net looking for them but i’m afraid my list is going to be the most complete until someone else has the time to read the credits. Anyway, there was
The Black Keys – Your Touch
AC/DC – Hard As A Rock
AC/DC – Thunderstruck
The Stone Temple Pilots- Interstate Love Song
Sugabaes – Angels With Dirty Faces
Creedence Clearwater Revival – Fortunate Son
Dropkick Murphys – Hang ‘em High
Billy “Get the fuck out, no i’m serious” Squier – Everybody Wants You
Which sounds like this.
[Press 'Play' for a blast from 1982.]
HELP ME! There was a very cool southern rock remake of “25 Lighters” (originally by Dj Dmd, Lil Keke and Fat Pat) and i can’t find it anywhere and i looked fucking hard. Anyone out there know what southern rock band remade “25 Lighters” ’cause it’ rocked.
On Hell of a Boom Box
Apart from that, there was also the action i already talked a lot about. So basically we got cool soundtrack, cool songs and cool action, all of which punch this up to 4 shots.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Erich Hoeber, Jon Hoeber
Directed by: Peter Berg
Starring
Brooklyn Decker – Samantha Shane
Rihanna – Raikes
Lieutenant Colonel Greg Gadson – Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales
Liam Neeson – Admiral Shane
Taylor Kitsch – Alex Hopper
Alexander Skarsgård – Stone Hopper
Bottom Line
See it. Take a teen to see it and you’ll even enjoy it more. If you see it and don’t like it, tell me and i’ll play a game of “Battleship” with you and then you’ll realize this movie is better than a lot of shit in life.
Here’s some other articles Saint Pauly and me and The Rod wrote you could also check out.
The Rod’s review of Battleship
"Battleship" at Fernby Films
Saint Pauly’s Review of Green Lantern
"Green Lantern" at WTF!? (Watch the Film)
Saint Pauly’s review of Battle Los Angeles
"Battle Los Angeles" at WTF!?
Saint Pauly’s Review of I Am Number 4
I Am Number 4 at WTF!?
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Here’s where i stop kidding around because, beyond this point, it’s all about the pictures which are worth way more than my pitty thousand words.
[AlKHallism: Special shout-out to Wayne who provided the above tree this year.]
It is now about 5pm Yeaman time and so far 505 people have staggered into the Bar None. As your tender bartender i just wanted to pop in to remind y’all that the Bar None is open 24/7, 365 days a year because fun does not take a day off so why the hell should i?
Before we get to the good shit, i got this new to the juiced-box for this holiday season: Jimmy Fallon - I’m Gonna Get Drunk Drunk Drunk on Christmas
[Press 'Play' for a holiday cheer]
i also wanted to thank each and every one of you personally for taking the time to make me a part of your day today*. And to show you my gratitude, i come as a very bad santa, full of Christmas Spirits and bearing gifts. Unlike the fatter guy in the red suit, i don’t give a shit if you’ve been naughty or nice (though i do have a slight preference for those of you who are naughty)—everyone gets swag here.
For example, i have the wine label wallpaper like last year, but this year it’s much more complete.
To make this image your desktop wallpaper:
Right click on the image
Move cursor to “Set as background”
For the single handed porn surfers, (because i feel you, too, but not that way) i have this for you:
Instructions same as above.
New to my sack this year, i have something for those of you who are more into candy canes than Holly bushes:
No patronizer left behind.
That’s all for today, my rain-dears. Again, i’m proud that, for whatever reason, you decided to stop in today of all days. And if you dropped by because you were feeling a little lonely or blue, i hope we were able to brighten your spirits a wee dram. Maybe you could scribble a note in the comments section to let others know they aren’t alone, too?
Take care of yourselves and each other. And, more than ever, thank you for patronizing me,
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5.
You know how you get drunk in a bouncy castle? Sure, the idea looks good on paper because you’re combining two of your favorite things, drinking and bouncing, and there’s lots of action and lots of fun and you laugh a lot and get your kicks and sure, there are some moments when you get a little tired but your friends are super even if their jokes are often lame but the biggest advantage and the biggest weakness is the exact same thing: drinking in a bouncy castle means you can’t break anything, hurt yourself or take any risks and it’s nice to know you’re safe but sometimes it’s better to leave the safety zone and take some chances and get into the shit. So you have sweet and innocent fun time and you’d do it again in a heartbeat unless something else more better, more intellectualer comes along. That’s what seeing The Avengers was like.
You know how you get drunk with writers? They sit there across from you wearing the adhesive name tag “writer” like a medal of honor that makes them better than the rest of the world or at least better than you and they talk down to you making all these obscure references to make you feel stupid and they tell all these tales about how intense and crazy their lives are but their lives are less lived than yours as they slosh in the booth across from you and you’d think at least the stories would be interesting but these are writers not characters and especially not story tellers so all you get is this drivel like spittle dribble off a spoiled baby’s bib except you get a lot of it because everyone knows writers drink too much too often. Basically you end up drinking with a deaf guy getting blind drunk who rattles on like an engine that’s been shut down but still has too much fuel in the lines so it goes on and on and on long after you tried to shut it down. On the Road is a lot like that.
You know how you get drunk and play bored games? At first you’re all like, “Nah, that’s lame. I don’t want to play a fucking game, let’s drink more,’ but then your cousin says you can do both so you figure what the hell, might as well, he paid for Taco Bell so you break out the Battleship and set up the board and the first half hour is like American beer: bland and weak, until you accidentally find yourself getting into it and you remember that Battleship isn’t too bad of a game really and you start actually having fun even after the end-game point where it’s obvious who’s going to win. No way you’re going to play the damn thing every day like you did when you were 12, but you leave his basement glad you gave it a shot.
