Battle of 5 Armies 09 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

0-5 Shots: The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Battle of 5 Armies 01 poster (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Not from the juiced-box but the soundtrack: Billy Boyd – The Last Goodbye

[Press ‘Play’ for maybe the only thing gayer than a hobbit]

For those reading this the day before the US release, here’s the smart phone proof i got to see it before y’all. Don’t hate the player, hate me.

Battle of 5 Armies 02 Collage (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Ramblings: Happy Ending

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

3  & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk on bumblewine with wee tiddlers in the Land of Nodd? The yarns they spindle numb your senses and you feel the weight of night petals settle over your eyes and pull you into Slumberland like a boat of Fire Mead. You’re able to dull out the incessant blades of their boredom as they harp out of tune tales meant for children and petty criminals. Just as you decide you’ll suckle the last dram from the bottom of the caphorn and be on your way, the stories finally become interesting. Like the whelm of the liquor, their tales turn to epic sagas of bravery and sacrifice, of blood and courage, of death and magic. You find yourself captivated by the heartbeat of their tongues, your eyes are regaled by their words and you’re happy you stayed the course and settle into the comfortable inebriation of the night realm. That’s what The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies was like.

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Magic in the Moonlight 08 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

0-5 Shots: Magic in the Moonlight

https://pjensi.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/magic-in-the-moonlight-01-poster-alkhall-bar-none-booze-revooze1.jpg?w=529&h=748

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Leo Reisman (Cole Porter) – You Do Something To Me

[Press ‘Play’ for the traditional Woody Allen jazz shit]

Ramblings: Cheap tricks

Final Proof: 3 shots

3 shots

You know how you get drunk with a magician? For the first couple drinks you’re pretty amazed by his illusions and you find yourself wanting to believe there is something special going on, something beyond the everyday, something extra-ordinary. But it doesn’t take long for you to see through the tricks, and the magic, like the buzz, isn’t real at all – it’s artificial, it’s an illusion and once you see through it, you leave disappointed and feeling you could’ve made more magic yourself. That’s the not so special effect of Magic in the Moonlight.

Magic in the Moonlight 02 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Pinocchio as a cross dresser

Top hats off to Woody Allen for making a film a year, which makes him one of the most prolific filmmakers of his generation but then most of his generation is dead. The problem is, if a guy faps once an hour, the consistency of his… creative juices lessens and gets a little sloppy over time. If a magician never stops doing tricks, the tricks start to look the same after awhile. There’s only so many ways you can saw a woman in half. Legally.

i’m a big fan of Woodies. i’m also kind of a fan of Woody Allen. i especially like when he does magical realism. Alice, The Purple Rose of Cairo, even Midnight in Paris really work for me. i find most of his other movies, though, are like rum drinks in a mall bar: bland, ordinary, and weak. Magic in the Moonlight had the chance to make the right choice, but in the end decided it was too lazy. No one likes it when it’s too lazy in the end, ask Neil Patrick Harris.

Magic in the Moonlight 03 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

“God’s penis is actually rather small”

i say that, but this movie wasn’t a total waste. The story line was like my porn, interesting and satisfying and the ending caught me by surprise. Probably the best thing overall about Magic in the Moonlight was Emma Stone. You probably remember that i still hate Emma because of a rumor years ago before she was super famous that she was a supreme bitch to a couple of young teen girls who approached her for an autograph. While i can’t forgive that, i have to admit that she’s fun to watch on screen. She’s cute and she has a sparkly charm that helps pass the time so that, even if the movie isn’t all that engaging, at least she is.

Magic in the Moonlight 04 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

“And then I’ll show you how I got the nickname ‘Woody’.”

If you like Woody Allen, you’ll probably like this one, and if you don’t like him, sorry i didn’t bash him more.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

Magic in the Moonlight 05 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

1-2 shot

Before i get balls balls deep into the sex, i want you to grasp something big about this movie. This movie is a romantic comedy between a man who is 54 years old and a girl who is 26. Not judging, but it’s obviously a Woody Allen movie and maybe even a little based on his life except, in the movie, the girl isn’t her lover’s daughter.

To be fair to the movie, i didn’t notice this age thing until some girl pointed it out to me afterwards. Which probably says less about me than you already know.

Whatever, Emma Stone was 24-25 when she made this movie and it’s not my fault that she looks like this.

Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s more single shots of her in my drawers, down there. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.

As for the sexy in Magic in the Moonlight, here are my sex notes, blow by blow:

  • Emma Stone is super cute in her hat
  • Emma Stone closeups are breathtaking
  • Emma Stone dancing [is like watching new angels learn to fly]
  • Stanley [Colin Firth] and Sophie [Emma Stone] kiss at the happy ending

Silken Butterflies

Just one this time, and not a beginner either. The very lovely Catherine McCormack was both in 28 Days Later and Braveheart, though she wasn’t in this movie nearly long enough (as Olivia, Stanley / Colin Firth‘s girlfriend).

Magic in the Moonlight 06 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

2 shots

Most of Woody’s movies have tons of booze in them, though they don’t usually play an important role, so that’s why i’m throwing up 2 shots here. Interesting that they have alcohol in almost every scene and i, as an alcoholic in recovery, wasn’t even tempted once. Maybe i’m past the cravings or maybe Woody doesn’t know how to film booze.

Magic in the Moonlight 07 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

  • Scotch in bar where one magician asks another to investigate a medium
  • Drinks at house before meeting Sophie [Emma Stone]
  • Stanley asks for wine visiting his Aunt Vanessa’s [Eileen Atkins] house after lunch
  • Dancing champagne in hand at the ball
  • Lots of champagne glasses as props to the sunrise after the ball [WTF!?]
  • “Perhaps I can scare up a whiskey.”
  • “We should break out champagne!” Celebrate Aunt Vanessa’s health
  • Wine at Aunt Vanessa’s when [Stanley] realizes he loves Sophie
  • Drinks at a bar forgiving his friend [Simon McBurney as Howard Burkan]
  • Vanessa: You need a drink. What will you have? Stanley: A scotch. (After breakup)

Magic in the Moonlight 08 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 shots

Woody Allen is a jazz freak and just a freak but knows nothing about rock, either for action or music.

For those of you who kept a couple of shits to give, here’s the soundtrack recreated on Spotify. (i had to substitute versions of some of the songs for what was available.)

Boring Technical Crap

Magic in the Moonlight 09 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)Written by: Woody Allen

Directed by: Woody Allen

Starring

Emma Stone – Sophie
Catherine McCormack – Olivia
Eileen Atkins – Aunt Vanessa
Ute Lemper – Cabaret Singer
Colin Firth – Stanley
Simon McBurney – Howard Burkan

Bottom Line

If it’s between this and something else, choose something else. If there’s nothing else on, you could do worse than this.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of another Allen film

WTF!? review of yet another Emma Stone film

WTF!? review of an Emma Stone film

Fernby Film review of another kind of comedy

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

So the words are finished and so is all the PG-13. What follows are Emma Stone pics that are mildly NSFW

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Horns 04 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

0-5 Shots: HORNS

Horns 01 poster (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Fever Ray – If I Had a Heart

[Press ‘Play’ for part of a killer soundtrack: Fever Ray – If I Had A Heart]

To prove to y’all i got to see this on the 1st of October, here’s a couple cell phone shots i took.

Horns 02 proof (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze) Horns 03 proof (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Ramblings: No Ifs, Ands or Butts

Final Proof: 3 Shots

3 shots

You know how you get drunk with a spoiled girl? It’s not her fault her parents gave her everything she wanted but there she sits, over dressed, drinking champagne and eating lobster hors d’oeuvres, never looking directly at you or trying to get you to like her. She’d look better in jeans than that fancy ass dress and she’d be easier to like of she was ordering beer and she’d be more fun if she was a little hungrier and a little more desperate. One of the little known life lessons spoiled girls have yet to learn is that there’s a certain sexy in desperate. Which is not what Horns was like.

Horns 07 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

 

The weird thing is, i know i liked this fucking movie because i remember how i felt watching it, but ever since i left the theater i keep thinking about all the shit that got up my nose. Maybe i’ll make like i ate salmonella tacos to get all the shit out of my system so i can find the gold nuggets lurking inside.

Here’s what got my goat about Horns. This movie had so much money thrown at it that it lost its focus and wasn’t in a hurry to get to the ending. This was because the movie is based on a book and if i ever stop reading WTF!? i might read that book because i’m sure it was cool, but a movie isn’t a book — that’s why they have different words for them. What happens when you try to stick too close to the book is you end up with a lot of WTF because the reason why characters do shit isn’t explained like in a novel. A smart director would dumb it down and put everything up on the screen.

Then there were the flashbacks… This film had more childhood flashbacks than a Stephen King book, for chrissakes. i kept trying hard to care, i swear i did, but like a hook handed masturbator, i just couldn’t get there.

Horns 05 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

The other thing that prodded me to dislike Horns was Daniel Radcliffe. He’s a great little actor (he did a nice job of an American accent here) and he’s going to make some lucky guy a lovely wife one day, but to see him as a romantic lead was a stretch. Especially because the film is based on the depth of the love between Ig (short for ‘Ignatius’ and obviously symbolic of some shit, but i can’t be bothered to figure out what that might be) and Merrin Williams, where Juno Temple plays Merrin and Daniel Radcliffe plays a man. Like prostitutes next to hospitals, i wasn’t buying into that, which has more to do with how he looked than his acting because he can act like a man just as well as the next guy.

Horns 06 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

There’s a lot to like here, though, i swear. i’m a fan of Alexandre Aja who made Piranha 3D look good and who killed it in the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. Sure, you could argue he’s getting worse as time goes on, but that’s you. As for me, i’m sure he’ll turn things around and get the passion for filming back that he once had. Regardless, he knows what he’s doing and so he’s like this French seducer who’s expert at making you feel good while he’s screwing you, as long as you don’t care his heart isn’t in it.

Should you see it? Hell yes, especially if you’re going to see more than one movie this month.

Horns 04 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½

2 shots

You know what this movie needed more of? Nudity. Of course i say that about every movie but this one had some really hot girls and some gratuitous flesh would have helped me gloss over some of Horns‘ flaws.

Horns 08 sex (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Here’s a quick rundown of my notes…

  • “Are you horny?” Merrin asks Ig in the first line of dialog in the film
  • Housewife banging her golf pro doggy style and they’re both clothed
  • Young Ig looks through a Playboy
  • Juno Temple bare ass and side boob
  • [Flashes of] Nurse naked doing doctor on a squeaky chair beside the surgical bed
  • Guy [Eric Pollins as Exhibitionist barfly] wants to show everyone his dick in a bar and goes full frontal [think of you, Saint Pauly]
  • [Speaking of Saint Pauly] Gay cops get off in the front seat of the cruiser

There were some lovely shots of Juno Temple, but then every shot of her is lovely. For those of you looking to see how much i appreciate her, check out the 0-5 Shot reviews of MaleficentKaboom and Mr Nobody.

There was also the gorgeous Kelli Garner, as Glenna Shepherd, the waitress who fucks to be loved. Remember how up there i talked about how a little desperation is sexy in a girl? If Horns looked and felt like Glenna looked and behaved, it would’ve had a lot more heart.

Horns 09 sex (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Kelli Garner Bar None Wallpaper

Kelli Garner Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’ll be some single shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom. Just keep scrolling down till you see her smiling cleavage.

Also making an appearance was the amazing Heather Graham who is still as stunning as the time she showed us her boobs in Boogie Nights and a good slang name for that flick would be Boobie Nights because that’s how much of a revelation her chest was. Speaking of revealing chests…

Heather Graham Bar None Wallpaper

Heather Graham Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

i got some single shots of her in my drawers as well. Just scroll the way down.

Silken Butterflies

One of the actresses who was onscreen far too briefly to contain all of her talent was the exquisite Kendra Anderson, who played Nurse Delilah, like in “[Flashes of] Nurse naked doing doctor on a squeaky chair beside the surgical bed” from the Sex section up above. Here’s a toast to seeing a lot more of her in the future.

Kendra Anderson Used 2014-10-15 (Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall)

A Smoke

Drink: 3 Shots

3 shots

There was a surprising amount here, to tell you the truth and that’s all i know how to do. Most every scene had a drink in it and like i mention in the next section, an argument could be made to the claim that the way people react to Ig’s horns is super similar to how people act when they’re drunk. You know me – and if you don’t i’m the one to blame – i don’t like to argue so i’ll shut up about it, but there’s some similarity.

Here’s the drinking shit shot by shot:

Horns 10 drink (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Anyone recognize that bottle?

  • Ig wakes up upside down, passed out next to an empty bottle of…? Whiskey?
  • Bar in the morning. Whiskey shots, beer chasers for the old men. Ig drinks beer from the bottle in a tree house.
  • Ig wonders if he got blackout drunk and killed Merrin.
  • Whiskey shots at the jazz club. Daniel’s brother [Joe Anderson as Terry Perrish] drinks whiskey from the bottle out of a bag
  • [Ig, Merrin and Lee Tourneau (Max Minghella) are] Drinking beer and holding up album covers over their faces in a flashback
  • Brother [Terry] doing coke and drinking whiskey from a scotch glass

Horns 11 drink (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

A Smoke

Horns 12 R&R (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

2 shots

Aja let me down here. Look at the poster, for example, you’d think a guy with horns would use them for cool things and i’m not even talking about fetish shit (although that would’ve been a welcome addition). But no. The only things the horns do is make people say and do what they really think deep down. Like a bottle of Jäger without the rush.

Still, there were some good tunes, though, so i’ll put up two shots for that. Like there was Marilyn Manson’s version of “Personal Jesus” while journalists got into a brawl.

Plus the action at the end got good, especially with all the snake attacks.

Anyway whatever, here’s a lot of the soundtrack:

Horns 13 R&R (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Joe Hill (novel)
Keith Bunin (screenplay)

Directed by: Alexandre Aja

Starring

Juno Temple – Merrin Williams
Heather Graham – Veronica
Kelli Garner – Glenna Shepherd
Kendra Anderson – Nurse Delilah
Daniel Radcliffe – Ig Perrish

Bottom Line

The film is Gwyneth Paltrow: it looks good, even if it gets a little lost and pretentious.

Horns 14 Saint Pauly poster (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

A gift from Saint Pauly

Horns 15 Saint Pauly poster (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Another one

Another Round

Booze Revooze of another horny character

WTF!? of the film “Horns” wanted to be

Fernby Films reviews another monster movie

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The review is finished, let the revue begin. From here on out, let’s call it NSFW.

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Dracula Untold 03 (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

0-5 Shots: Dracula Untold

Dracula Untold 01 poster (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

Yeah, i got to see this on October 1, a full 9 days before y’all in the States. And because i know you don’t believe me – and who can blame you – here’s the obligatory ticket shot.

Dracula Untold 00 ticket (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

Ramblings: Bad Blood

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk in Eastern Europe? You think it’s going to be all exotic and that the cocktails will all be different and everyone you meet will be fascinating and that you’ll come away from the trip with stories that will have people buying you drinks wherever you go. Except beer is beer even in foreign places and the people there drink just like your asshole friends back home and the bars smell the same only dirtier and the bartenders rip you off with short drinks that are watered down before the waitresses overcharge you so the only stories you come away with are the same ones you already have, only less interesting. That’s what Dracula Untold is like.

Dracula Untold 02 (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

Dracula Untold has been told so many times before i struggled to stay awake.

It’s been told many times over and better to boot. Like the directing was better in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the script was better in The Hunger, and the action was better in From Dusk Till Dawn. There was a lot of money dropped on Dracula Untold, and like a tart who gets tarted up for a night out, the film looked the part. Unfortunately, just like that same tart at the end of the evening, Dracula doesn’t deliver anything more than a token kiss with only a little tongue.

Dracula Untold 03 (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

The dialog sucked hard like a vampire, too. Every fucking line was super melodramatic and then the actors read them like they were their final words and it was so bad that you wished they were.

Not that i’m the kind of asshole who’s just going to rag on a film without hitting the good points. For example, the look of the film was great. The production costs must’ve been high and it was all on the screen with the rich images and epic landscapes that made me want to watch Lord of the Rings again. Plus, Dracula Untold had some good actors like Dominic Cooper, who did a better job here with a Turkish accent than he did in Need for Speed with his normal accent.

Dracula Untold 04 (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

Which reminds me, if you’re Turkish and reading this – wow, you must be really fucking lost. Also you probably don’t want to see Dracula Untold because they trash ancient Turkey more than i’m trashing this film.

You know who might like this movie? Kids. If you’re a kid and reading this then you’re even more lost than those Turkish dudes, but Dracula Untold is a good vampire movie for those of you whose only experience with vampires was Twilight. For the rest of us, though, this’ll leave you thirsty for something harder.

Dracula Untold 05 (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

2 shots

A disappointment but i can’t say i was surprised. Or i could say it, but everyone would know i was lying because if you look at the cast on the IMDb page, 14 of the first 15 actors listed are men. In other words, be ready to get a long look at the unfairer sex for a long fucking time.

That one woman mentioned is the lovely Sarah Gadon, who showed as much skin as a Muslim woman in a body veil under a pile of quilts in Antarctica. This kind of bummed me out because Sarah’s not afraid to go full frontal, as she so bravely showed in Enemy [follow the link and get the exact times she bared more than her soul – thanks to Saint Pauly]. i blame it on American prudery and this is how i choose to fight that onslaught:

Sarah Gadon 2014-10-02 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall)

Sarah Gadon Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)

There’s more single shots of her at the bottom of this post, in my drawers.

Silken Butterflies

One beautiful young lady flitted across the screen so fleetingly that her absence stirred a melancholy inside me. Whatever Dracula Untold‘s, at least Dilan Gwyn as the Governess made me feel something deeply.

Dilan Gwyn 2014-10-02 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall)

Dilan Gwyn Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)

There’s some single shots of her rolling around in my drawers at the end of this post as well.

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Vampires suck and then they swallow, like much of this film, but they don’t drink booze. There was only one scene where alcohol flowed in copious quantities and that was an Easter feast. A Feaster, i guess you could say and if you don’t, i will.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

3 shots

The action was definitely the best part of the movie, and to be fair, the film does move along quickly. As quick as a bat, if i may be so bold – and i may. Like my sex life, however, there was a lot of action but nothing new or exciting. They were just going through the motions and when it was over you felt satisfied but not in the mood for anything more.

Dracula Untold 06 (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless

Directed by: Gary Shore

Starring

Sarah Gadon – Mirena
Dilan Gwyn – Governess
Luke Evans – Vlad
Dominic Cooper – Mehmed

Bottom Line

i’d wait and download this later. It isn’t worth the 10 bones to see it in the theater and you can watch the Francis Ford Coppola version in the meantime. You’ll thank me later.

Dracula Untold 01 poster (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None) (2)

This gift brought to us by Saint Pauly

Another Round

WTF!? takes a hilarious look at this vampire offering

WTF!? review of the Frankenstein, the Untold Story

Booze Revooze of a way cooler vampire movie

Fernby Films awesome review of Blade

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The words are over, the rest is for y’all who only like looking at the pretty pictures.

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Maleficent 13 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

0-5 Shots: Maleficent

[AllKHallism: i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child’s film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. While Maleficant was PG, The Bar None: High and Dry is definitely NC-18. If you keep reading beyond this point, you only have yourself to blame, perv.]

Maleficent 01 poster (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Lana Del Ray – Once Upon a Dream

[Press ‘Play’ for sleepy beauty]

As i’m posting this review a day before its US release, i’m posting a screen shot i snapped as proof i actually did see this.

Maleficent 02 proof (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Ramblings: Magneficent

Final Proof: 4½ Shots

4 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk with a blonde? She sits down at your table and you know exactly what tricks she’s got up her sleeves so you settle in with a smirk on your face and sip your drink while you wait for her to get ridiculous and puke in her purse. But right from the beginning she seems normal and even a little cool, so you sit up and take notice and start getting into the conversation with her while she casts her spell on you. The amazing thing is she doesn’t get drunker and sloppier and stupider but gets more interesting and more sincere and by the end of the binge you’re praying she can pull off her exit without letting you down, breaking your heart and cursing your luck. Fortunately, she takes her leave with subtle magic and you’re so impressed with your evening you stand up and applaud as she walks away. Angelina Jolie is not that blonde, but Maleficant sure is.

Maleficent 03 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

‘High’ Five

The best movie i’ve seen so far this year. i don’t worship at the cult of Angelina Jolie, i’m Disney neutral – neither loving nor hating everything they do on principal because i have none – i’m older than 9 (though i don’t usually act like it), and i thought this movie killed. One of the things i liked best about it was that it gets better as it goes on. Every other movie i’ve seen in recent memory starts off interesting and then keeps fading until it’s basically trying to end with as much dignity as it can muster before ending up in a walk of shame. Not Maleficent and not by a long shot.

Maleficent 04 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Maleficent uses her Roofie spell

i’m just glad i got to see Maleficent before the US release because i know you guys and you’re going to find new and usual ways to hate on this film. Fortunately, i saw it before the haters got their eyes on it so i get these few days where i can enjoy the movie with a buzz as pure and innocent as Sleeping Beauty on lite beer.

Looking back on this movie, there are no real missteps (which is official movie review talk for ‘fuck-ups’) and, to be totally honest, the first ¾s of the film were above average but still average adjacent. What pushed this film over the top for me was how it took the traditional bullshit Disney concept of “True Love” being akin to date rape and turned it on its ass.

Maleficent 05 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

“Sorry, I don’t like the white ones.”

Who should see this? Parents and their kids. i couldn’t scare up any children to take to this but one of the things that impressed me was how the stereotypes were challenged, so little kids might have trouble seeing the shades of grey that lay beneath the vibrant colors. Kids older than 10 or whatever, should get this though. Especially if they’re your kids because you’re clearly in the top 10% of smart people, seeing as how you’re reading this blog and all. Also those people who have a little kid living inside them, kicking and screaming and laughing and crying and farting and feeling everything just a touch too deeply.

Who shouldn’t see this film? Jaded mother fuckers looking to get their rocks off. Tired souls who aren’t looking to feel but to be felt. Soulless zombies who’ve forgotten how to live. But if that’s you, you wouldn’t be here, you’d be trashing me on reddit.

Maleficent 06 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

A little prick

Before we go any further, i have to card two of the actresses. As they’re under 18, i won’t post any pictures of them in the sexy section of this post and i won’t post any sexy candids of them. i’ll include only photos the actresses posed for on purpose.

First up is Elle Fanning (16) who will be beautiful when she’s 18 or over. She was perfect for the role of Aurora / Sleeping Beauty because she’s talented enough to act well but young enough to channel the innocence she’s got running in her veins and bring it to the surface. There was a genuine purity to her performance that it reached down from the screen and touched me.

Elle Fanning 01 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

 

Elle Fanning Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHal Bar None Booze Revooze)

Elle Fanning Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Also just in under the wire is Ella Purnell, who played Teen Maleficent, a role she’s perfectly qualified to play, being that she’s 17 and all.

Ella Purnell Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Ella Purnell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

1 shot

Angelina Jolie was hot in a Skeletor way and that’s not even a joke. She did a good job acting as well, but her job was a lot easier than Aurora (Elle Fanning) because basically Maleficent is just a bitch through most of the movie and delivers all her lines in this smoldering bitchy way which seems to come pretty easy to Angelina.

Maleficent 07 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Still, this was a good movie and she was the star so i gotta give credit where it’s due, especially when remembering she can look like this, or at least she did once upon a time.

Angelina Jolie 2014-05-28 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Angelina Jolie Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There are a lot more single shots of her stuffed in my drawers at the far bottom of this post.

Also appearing in Maleficent is the ultra hot Juno Temple. “Juno Temple?” “No, but i’d like to.” She plays a CGI fairy and she even looks cute when she’s a computer copy of herself, and if this isn’t the next porn thing, well, then something else probably will be.

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Juno’s on the left and reminds me of Saint Pauly (a little fairy)

Gobs more shots of her looking far sexier in the drawers. Scroll all the way down.

Silken Butterflies

For the Silken Butterflies in Maleficent, we have two beautiful women who were on screen only long enough to make us wish they were on a lot more.

Starting off is the lovely Hannah New and i bet she did when she decided to look gorgeous. She plays the Princess Leila and while she doesn’t have nearly enough screen time, her charm fills the screen while she’s there.

Hannah New 01 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Hannah New in the Bar None

Following that up is the lovely Marama Corlett, who played a servant but did it while looking this good.

Marama Corlett 01 Used 2014-05-28 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

As for the sex in Maleficent, i’d be lying if i said there wasn’t any because there was, if you count two kisses as ‘sex’.

Maleficent 09 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Every frat party ever

A Smoke

Drink: 0

None. Not even, any magic potions. Keep moving, nothing to read here.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

3 shots

The only real music was the Lana Del Ray and, let’s be honest, i think Lana Del Ray is the coolest thing since whatever the fuck this is

Something Lana no doubt uses

but she’s not rock and roll. The incidental music wasn’t rock and roll either, but the special effects were pretty rock and roll. There were a couple action scenes even if this isn’t an action movie and the cinematography (fancy film-speak for ‘the purdy pictures’) was purdy. i’ll go 3 shots on that shit.

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Got wood? He does.

Boring Technical Crap

Maleficent 11 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

She’s pretty horny

Written by:

Written by Linda Woolverton
Based on the story “La Belle au bois dormant” by Charles Perrault

Directed by: Robert Stromberg

Starring

Elle Fanning – Aurora
Angelina Jolie – Maleficent
Juno Temple – Thistletwit
Hannah New – Princess Leila
Ella Purnell – Teen Maleficent
Marama Corlett – Servant

Bottom Line

If you’re cool enough to have made it this far, you should definitely see this movie.

Another Round

WTF!? Review of the Lord of the Rings trilogy

The Hot Rod gives us a nice review of another Disney effort

A Dregs article on why Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt broke up

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Basically everything from here on out is especially NC-18 and NSFW. Good luck.

Continue reading

Amazing Spider-man 2 05 (Booze Revooze AlKHall)

0-5 Shots: The Amazing Spider-man 2

Amazing Spider-man 2 01 poster (Booze Revooze AlKHall)

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Alicia Keys ft. Kendrick Lamar – It’s On Again

Ramblings: The Adequate Spider-man 2

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk with a hot girl at a party? You already met her before and feel comfortable with her even if she was a little boring but she still was pretty cool and you were kind of looking forward to seeing her again so it puts a smile on your face when you walk into the room and find her there. Then you guys start hanging out and she’s doing keg stands in a mini skirt so you’re thinking it’s gonna be a hearty party but then she comes over to where you’re sitting on the sofa and plops down beside you and starts talking about all of her problems like her ex and how her life is complicated and her dead uncle and her crappy job and how money is tight and you listen politely because she’s hot but you’re only waiting for her to turn things up a notch again, which she finally does at the end so the evening wasn’t a total waste but you’d be a hell of a lot more interested in seeing her again if she’d grabbed your attention and squeezed the entire time. The Amazing Spider-man 2 is so like that girl and so like that party.

Amazing Spider-man 2 02 (Booze Revooze AlKHall)

“I got blue balls!”

i had an extremely not unpleasant time seeing this film. Pro’lly most of the people reading this want to see it too so i’ll start off with the good shit. Like the special effects were great from beginning to end, but at an estimated production cost of $200,000,000, you get what you pay for. Also, Andrew Garfunkel (Garfield, whatever) acts better in this one than he did the first one. Plus, the musical score kicked ass. There you go. If you don’t want to see me criticize this movie until it cries like a little bitch, you should stop here.

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“Imma punch your punk ass.”

Because the special effects were good but designed for 3D, so if you see it in 2D, you’ll catch yourself wondering what it would look like in 3D and that’s distracting. Or maybe it’s just me. And Andrew Garfield (like the cat but less funny and he reminds me of Art Garfunkel’s love grandchild) acts better than the first one but still not really well. Even Emma Stone only brought her C game, which is the grade she would’ve gotten if this was a class, of which she had none.

Amazing Spider-man 2 07 (Booze Revooze AlKHall)

“Hang on a sec.”

My main complaint about The not-so-Amazing Spider-man 2 was the lack of bad guy screen time. The bad guys they had rocked but they just weren’t in the movie enough. They were kind of like rap stars that get paid shitloads of money to make an appearance at a club and then after they show their faces, they take off to go to a better place and have fun. That’s what the antagonists (Greek word for ‘bad guys’, or Uncle Agonist’s wife) did in this movie.

Amazing Spider-man 2 05 (Booze Revooze AlKHall)

“Guess who I ran into, today…”

Look, you and i both know i’m not going to talk you out of seeing this movie (like i actually did to a real guy with Pompeii) and i’m not even trying to. All i’m doing is telling you to be realistic and don’t get your hopes up about a movie that gets things done, but takes the long way to get there.

Amazing Spider-man 2 06 (Booze Revooze AlKHall)

Driving a hard bargain

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 shot

1 shot

Am i the only one who heard that story about Emma Stone a couple years ago that she was in a bathroom before she was famous like she is today and these two young girls came up to her for an autograph and she treated them like shit, telling them to get a life and that she was too good for their asses? i swear i heard this and since then, i can’t find it in my heart to find her sexy again. OK, that’s bullshit, of course i find her sexy, i’m a straight guy with eyes and a beating heart, but because i have a heart i can’t think of her as anything more than just eye candy.

Amazing Spider-man 2 04 (Booze Revooze AlKHall)

These expressions are 99% of every relationship. The other 1% is sex. Which is enough to put up with the other 99%.

And the candy shop was closed here because she was almost as covered up as Spider-man for the entire film and, let’s face it, as a blonde she looks pretty–ridiculous. We’re a long way from Easy A. In other words, before the movie, stock up on your eye candy here, where she’s cheaper.

Emma Stone 2014-04-30 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall)

Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

And here’s a free shot for you patrons. It’s Emma Stone hanging out with her hot besties. Ah, how i’d love to come between friends.

Emma Stone 2014-04-30 Come Between Friends Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall)

i’d love to come between friends

Speaking of, check this out.

Emma Stone & Taylor Swift Kiss (Bar None AlKHall)

There’ll be some more shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom of this post, so just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.

The other sexual frustration in the movie was Felicity Jones (as Felicia). She’s this beautiful young English lass and she was on screen about as much as the bad guys, which means not nearly long enough. You get to see a lot more of her here than there, and i do mean ‘more’ of her.

Felicity Jones 2014-04-30 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall)

Felicity Jones Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s a handful of shots of her in my drawers as well, rubbing on top of the ones of Emma Stone.

Silken Butterflies

The lovely Jessica Abo plays herself, which means the role of a TV reporter, and she’s all over the news in New York (as a presenter, not a psycho zombie lead story). Look how pretty:

slideshow_std_h_1)-Jessica-Abo

For those of you more interested in Spider Men than Spied Her Lady Parts, Dane DeHaan (the guy from Chronicle) was the sweetest meat in this.

Dane DeHaan 2014-04-30 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall)

Dane DeHaan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

A Smoke

Drink: 1 Shot

1 shot

Nothing to write home about, or in this review either for that matter. There were a couple of scenes where we see Harry Osborn drink scotch from a decanter and one time he complains to his dying father about how for his sixteenth birthday he got a bottle of scotch and a card from his dad’s assistant.

Amazing Spider-man 2 10 (Booze Revooze AlKHall)

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

3  & 1-2 shots

Definitely the best part of the movie and i would have gone higher if there’d been more action. i didn’t want to say anything up top because of the Spoilers thing but down here i already gave a spoiler warning so if you’re still reading and you don’t want any spoilers you should stop right now.

Amazing Spider-man 2 09 (Booze Revooze AlKHall)

Harold looks like shit

Because the bad guy (Jamie Foxx as Electro) was a cool looking mother fucker but he wasn’t in most of the movie. He made an appearance at the end for the main fight but that was basically it. Same with the Green Goblin. In a supreme moment of WTF, Harry happens to find a Green Goblin suit standing right in front of him when he’s suffering from the side effects of injecting spider venom into himself and then he flies off in it to fight Spider-man at the end of the movie, too. And then, also at the end of the movie, Spider-man fights Rhino but it’s so at the end of the movie that they don’t even have time to finish fighting before the credits roll.

Amazing Spider-man 2 08 (Booze Revooze AlKHall)

The Hard-nosed approach

The other really cool hing was the music, by Hans Zimmer who made the right choice to go electronic because of the enemy being Electro and all. i’m not even a big fan of that kind of “music” but what they put here worked for me and especially for the movie.

Amazing Spider-man 2 12 (Booze Revooze AlKHall)Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci & Jeff Pinkner – (screenplay)

Alex Kurtzman , Roberto Orci, Jeff Pinkner and James Vanderbilt – (screen story)

Stan Lee and Steve Ditko – (Marvel comic book)

Directed by: Marc Webb

 

Starring

Emma Stone – Gwen Stacy
Felicity Jones – Felicia
Jessica Abo – NY1 Reporter
Andrew Garfield – Spider-Man / Peter Parker
Jamie Foxx – Electro / Max Dillon
Dane DeHaan – Green Goblin / Harry Osborn

Bottom Line

Would lose a battle against any of the Avenger Superhero movies (except Ironmen 2 & 3, who both sucked).

As a small PS, while i’m not a big fan of either Emma Stone or Alexander Garfield (wait, wasn’t that a US president?), i do want to give them props for this:

Amazing Spider-man 2 11 (Booze Revooze AlKHall)

Nice move: Credit where credit is due

Another Round

The Rod takes a look at the first in the series

Because WTF!? reviews are funny as shit

WTF!? review of a hotter Emma Stone by Saint Pauly

Booze Revooze: Captain America kicks Spidey’s ass

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing left but some of those NSFW photos i talked about up there.

Continue reading

Christina Jeffs 09 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

The Booze Talkin': My Exclusive Interview with Christina Jeffs

Christina Jeffs 01 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

There are tons of ways to get lucky, and they’re all good. Proof of that is how i got lucky with Christina Jeffs.

Who is Christina Jeffs? What if i told you she went by ‘Venice’ in Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street? Remember Venice? The hot blonde dominatrix who used Leonardo Di Caprio’s ass as a candle holder? The one whose name he called out in his sleep and triggered the demise of his marriage? We all dream of being in Venice at least once in our short lives and that’s one definition of getting lucky. When i say i got lucky with Christina, however, i don’t mean i navigated her canal with my gondola, just that she agreed to an interview with me, your tender bartender.

i was waist deep in some Parisian whorehouse, lost and struggling to find the door. Pimps sporting berets and stained sailor shirts joined the heavy whores with crooked hair and wobbly heels drinking toasts in the search party sent to have me tossed from the brothel for sex crimes of the heart because we just can’t have me falling in love with every skinny, doe-eyed strumpet that comes prematurely anywhere near me. i was hiding under the blanket smells of rich desserts and perfume as cheap as a half price harlot, cowering in the self-service elevator and praying that i would somehow be able to escape the brothel with my virtue intact and my virginity found.

Suddenly the doors slid opened and i feared the worst but saw the best, Christina Jeffs had penetrated the dark recesses of the bordello to rescue me from my pursuers who reeked of stinky cheese and dirty panties. She flicked her whip and the leather strap wrapped around my neck so that she could lead me away like a dog on a leash to the safety of a closet bathroom where she plopped down on a rusty bidet and caught my breath.

“Christina Jeffs? The super hot actress who starred all over The Wolf of Wall Street? While we hide out here, can i ask you a few questions for the patronizers of the Bar None?” And she, the sweet petite potato freak that she is, said yes.

Christina Jeffs 02 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

Al K Hall: “Christina” is a great name. 

Christina Jeffs: Is it?? Thank you. You are the first person to ever compliment my name!

Al K Hall: Babe, stay with me and i’ll compliment things you didn’t even know you had. It’s such a great name, i bet no one ever gave you any nicknames, right?

Christina: Some people call me CJ, Ceej, Xtina, the Sex Unicorn.

Al K Hall: Sounds horny. Speaking of hot, you used to live L. A.  and commute between there and New York. That sounds more tiring than cleaning hotel rooms under a black light.

Christina: I was just doing the things that people do in their 20s: having a great time, doing weird jobs, staying in relationships 2 years longer than I should have. THE USUAL.

Al K Hall: Really, though, is there a difference between the towns?

Christina: Well, in NY you can start drinking at noon or whenever you want, really, because you don’t have to drive anywhere, and in LA you start drinking later because you have to figure what you’re doing with your car and how many stops, and traffic, and you know–it’s a big to-do figuring out what time you’re allowed to start drinking.

Al K Hall: What’s something i’d only find about you when you were drunk?

Christina: Was I supposed to start drinking at the beginning of this interview so I could properly answer this?? I’ll start now. [She reaches down the front of her dress and pulls out this gleaming bottle of Strawberry Tequila Rose cream liqueur and starts sucking. ]

Christina Jeffs 04 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

Al K Hall: Damn, you’re going at that like a babe. Something tells me tequila isn’t your only vice. What else you got?

Christina:  Tequila, gluten….is Instagram a vice?

Al K Hall: It is the way i do it. i don’t know, though. i find it hard to believe a girl as sexy and gifted as you has enough downtime for the internet. Seriously, you have boring evenings?

Christina: A boring evening for me would be, like, a bad bad date. Like, a date with someone who doesn’t know how to converse.

Al K Hall: Hey, me converse goodly.

Christina: Or someone who takes you to their house and watches you while you watch their pilot–

Al K Hall: You babysit pilots?

Christina: –NOT because you asked to see it.

Al K Hall: Ah, TV lingo.

Christina: Or someone who asks you to drive across town, shows up 25 minutes late, and then makes you split the bill. Like, do one of those things, but not all three, right???

Al K Hall: Sorry, i was having my brain washed that day. Never happen again.

Christina: So, ya, being in boring company is boring, but it can make for great material!

Al K Hall: Agreed. Let’s just hook up on Instagram.

Christina:  If that doesn’t work, check Erewhon. I go there way too much.

Al K Hall: Is that because you like French fries weirdly a lot? Seriously, what’s up with you and French fries?

Christina Jeffs 05 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

Christina: I just love them.

Al K Hall: What’s your secret recipe?

ChristinaIf I did make them at home I would use this recipe.

Al K HallDo you have any fry burns in the shape of Jesus?

Christina: I don’t want to disappoint you by answering this question.

Al K Hall: Trust me, the only way you could disappoint me would be to marry me.

Christina: No, none of my scars are cool. They are all from curling irons, and toasters, and, like, falling on the treadmill. I’m hoping they fade soon. They’re ruining the landscape of my largest organ.

Christina Jeffs 06 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')Al K Hall: You have a penis, too? Doesn’t make you any less hot, regardless. Is it a problem being hot and funny, though? Like people look at you and say, “Oh, you’re so attractive, you can’t possibly be funny on purpose”?

Christina: They don’t say those exact words, but I have heard, “You don’t look funny,” a lot recently.

Al K Hall: Strange, i get that all the time.

Christina: It is never specified that I don’t “look funny” because I am attractive–so we can’t assume–but either way it’s kind of dumb. No one would say to a funny looking person who isn’t funny, “BUT YOU LOOK FUNNY! WHY AREN’T YOU FUNNY!”

Al K Hall: Maybe not, but when people tell me i’m funny, i always say, “Looks aren’t everything.” But we’re drifting away from you and your hotness. Does a girl as talented and beautiful as you have any downtime?

Christina: [Laughing with modesty] Ha! No. Being talented and being beautiful are two of the most grueling, time-consuming activities EVER, and together they take up all of my time. I literally don’t do anything else.

Al K Hall: But we both know that’s not 100% true, don’t we. For example, you play the triangle and the tambourine. Which is harder?

Christina: I gotta go with triangle. I don’t know why.

Al K Hall: Did you let Iggy Pop play your triangle? ‘Cause you toured with him, am i right?

Christina: Who told you that!

Al K Hall: Not important. That one cute friend of yours who now mysteriously has no toenails on her left foot. But is it true?

Christina: Ya, kind of. I was a back up singer in my friend’s band and we were on a mini-tour with Mr. Pop. I was like, “Well, when else am I gonna go play Lollapalooza and go on tour with Iggy Pop? Probably never.” So I did it.

Al K Hall: Did you just call him “Mr. Pop”? You are so fucking adorable! Did he give you your start in “the business”?

Christina: Am I officially in “the business”? I feel like I am just starting. I have no idea what I’m doing.

Al K Hall: I don’t know about that, you sure know your way around the business end of a candle.

Christina: My first jobs were for The Onion News Network TV Show, and 2 Broke Girls. I just auditioned for those, and before that I just did stuff for free, and people I worked with became friends, and then they would recommend me to their friends, and I think that’s pretty much how it works forever.

Al K Hall: Like your comedy show with Risa Sarachan?

Christina Jeffs 07 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

Christina Jeffs & Risa Sarachan doing research

Christina: Yes, very much so. We went to NYU together, and had a lot of mutual friends. I was a fan of hers, turns out we both wanted to work on something together, we had some ideas, and then we made them happen!

Al K Hall: Where do you make them happen?

Christina: We have a YouTube Channel, and risaandchristina.com. We’re working on a pilot. It’s pretty fun. And weird.

Al K Hall: Will you make me watch it, and watch me watch it when i do? ‘Cause you should’ve seen me watch you in The Wolf of Wall Street. i watched the shit out of you. You play a dominatrix called Venice…is that typecasting?

Christina: It is definitely NOT typecasting. I am the worst dominatrix. I apologized profusely after every take while peeling the wax of Leo’s back.

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Al K Hall: Mmmm, i bet you did a lot of research for a long time.

Christina: Um, i did NO research on dominatrices because it was a last minute decision by Sandy Powell, the costume designer, to make me a dominatrix.

Al K Hall: Really?

Christina: I was supposed to be naked.

Al K Hall: Let’s do that scene right now, shall we? i’ve got the will if you’ve got three minutes. i might be able to make it up to 3 and ½ but don’t hold your breath. No? Have it your way. You were talking about Sandy the costume designer…

Christina: Right before I was supposed to rehearse, Sandy’s assistant came into the hair and makeup trailer, and he was like, “There’s discussion about your costume, we might need a more fierce makeup look”. I was like, “Um, whut costume?”

Al K Hall: Because naked.

Christina: So I go in, and she was like, “I have this Thierry Mugler bodysuit from 1992 I’ve been dying to use in the movie, and I feel like this is it’s moment. If there’s a candle and wax involved, I feel like he [Leonardo DiCaprio’s character, Jordan Belfort] called you to perform this specific service.” And I was like, “Perfect.” Then someone is like, “Well, Marty just has to approve it.” And she was like, “He’ll do whatever I want.” Because she’s a badass. But we still showed it to him, and he thought it was great so it stayed.

Christina Jeffs 09 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

Al K Hall: How do you describe that scene to people who haven’t seen it?

Christina: “I sodomize Leo with a candle. / I extract a candle from Leo’s ass. / I engage in light anal play with Leo. / I abuse Leo and his anus.” Anything along those lines.

Al K Hall: Works for me. Did you use a real candle on Leo’s real back?

Christina: Ya, it was a Japanese wax drip candle, but it was still super hot, and he was actually in pain.

Al K Hall: i bet he wanted to keep going even after the scene.

Christina: He watched the takes after every scene.

Al K Hall: Really? He wasn’t all over you like hot actresses on free French fries?

Christina: I think the best way to describe him is SUPES PROFESH.

Al K Hall: That’s my favorite stripper’s name! What was the shoot like?

Christina Jeffs 13 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

Christina: So so so fun. Marty was giggling the whole time–were all cracking up because candles in the ass are hilarious.

Al K Hall: Ass candles are the origin of the expression “butt of the joke”, in fact.

Christina: Everyone was so cool. I felt like a part of the gang for a minute. The propmaster had been with Marty since Good Fellas, and he was telling me stories. We talked a lot because he was helping me handle the candles.

Al K Hall: i bet he was. Speaking of, how was Martin Scorsese to work with?

Christina: Adorable.

Al K Hall: Did you call him “Marty”?

Christina: I called him “Marty” in my mind, and then ever since I shot the scene I’ve acted like we’re best friends, and I call him “Marty” whenever I talk about him. SO, I guess the answer to that is “no”.

Al K Hall: Was he all nervous and jumpy on the set?

Christina: He wasn’t nervous, he just giggled. Maybe it was nervous giggles, I don’t know! I have to say though, there are few things that make you feel better than making Scorsese laugh so hard that he collapses and rolls around on a bed. Was that a humblebrag? Hang on. I’m playing a drinking game with myself where I have to do a shot every time I humblebrag.

Christina Jeffs 12 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

Al K Hall: Maybe you should do a double shot, then. Do you still have nightmares about his eyebrows?

Christina: No! I love a thick brow! I wish mine were bigger like young Brooke Shields! BACK TO ME! AND MY EYEBROWS!

Al K Hall: AND THE BOOZE! Because this is for the Bar None, i gotta ask if there was a wrap party.

Christina: Like, beyond my personal wrap party where I drank my margarita and cried into my guacamole for 5 for 1 because I was sad to be done? Probably, but I wasn’t invited.

Al K Hall: Damn but i love a good guac. In a gross miscarriage of judgment, you weren’t nominated for an Academy Award.

Christina: WHAT?!

Al K Hall: How pissed off are you?

Christina: PRETTY PISSED.

Al K Hall: Now’s your chance: i present you with your Oscar, what do you say in your speech?

Christina: I probably just cry and think of great things to say, and people I forgot to thank as soon as I get off stage.

Al K Hall: Anyway, now that The Wolf of Wall Street is going to make you an international star–

Christina: –ha–

Al K Hall: –what do you have your sights set on?

Christina: I want to play Jason Mantzoukas‘ love interest in The League.

Christina Jeffs 11 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

Al K Hall: You’re too good for him. Plus, after this chat, no one will be able to get enough of you so what’s the best way to get the most of you?

Christina: For immediate, consistent stuff, you can subscribe to my YouTube channel! I just put out a movie about Ranch dressing, and I have a bunch more coming up. [AlKHallism: i just watched the Ranch Documentary and lloled (literally laughed out loud)–you’ve got to see the Wine with Ranch scene, especially as i’m thinking about adding that to the menu.]

Al K Hall: Because you gave me the idea for Ranch wine for the Bar None, it think it’s only fair we cut right to the Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like filming a nude scene…because that’s what i’ll be doing. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Christina: Tequila / rocks / lime.

Al K Hall: When was the last time you had a hangover?

Christina Jeffs 14 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

Christina:  March 11th because march 10th was my birthday.

Al K Hall: Happy birthday! And speaking of, what’s your favorite swear word? Do you swear? A lot?

Christina:  I swear so fucking much. I think my favorite word is “fuck”.

Al K Hall: Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Christina: Your MYSTERY! And your great taste in minor characters in The Wolf of Wall Street.

Al K Hall: Tell me something i don’t know!

Christina: Ranch dressing was the first dairy-based dressing that was shelf stabilized. Clorox bought the recipe for the dressing for 8 million dollars in 1972–it was just buttermilk, mayonnaise, and herbs–from Hidden Valley Ranch, and then they tweaked the recipe with the right chemicals so that people could enjoy it long after it hit the shelves. It was an instant hit, and it’s still the nation’s #1 dressing.

Al K Hall: Any last words?

Christina: FIND ME ON INSTAGRAM AND THESE DON’T HAVE TO BE OUR LAST WORDS!

Christina Jeffs 15 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

She’s hotter than bacon, y’all

And with that, she yanked my chain and pulled me out of les toilettes. With her innate sense of Parisian bordellos, she successfully evaded our pursuers by smelling their cheese sweats until, like most things French, they decided to surrender and accept their fate with a  philosophical abandon and a bottle of cheap wine. 

A Smoke

Christina Jeffs 16 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

Which, tragically, brings this interview to an end. Let me just remind you that, to my great chagrin, Christina and i were never together in a French maison close, or anywhere else on this physical plane. Our entire interview was conducted via email and though i changed a lot of shit up to make my parts more interesting, i left her words exactly as she sent them because why tamper with perfection?

i’d like to thank Christina Jeffs for being such a good sport about this and putting up with all my bullshit. It’s a lot to ask from anyone, yet Christina was inordinately generous, especially during this busy period in TV / pilot land. If anyone asks you about Christina Jeffs, tell them that in addition to being spectacularly beautiful, she’s SUPES PROFESH (and not in the stripper sense).

Christina Jeffs 16 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Talkin')

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin': Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.