Drunk Elves 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

A Bar None ChristmAss (2014 Sedition)

Drunk Santa 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

As of right now, 403 patronizers have found there way into the Bar None, and you can add one more because i’m here with you. i know you have the choice of a lot of places to go and get shit faced today, and that you chose my corner of the internet means a lot to me. May the season find you happy and safe and full of a lot of cheer. Though maybe not as much as Santa.

But before we pass on to that… From the juiced-box and dedicated to Kris ‘Krispy’ Kringle: Big & Rich – Drunk on Christmas

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Christmas Pissed List 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

10 Christmas Gifts on a Drunk’s Pissed List (A Top Ten Lips)

Christmas Pissed List 01 (AlKHall Bar None)Bar Angels and Boozehounds, the time has come yet again to waste some of your hard earned beer money on other people who won’t be able to contain their disappointment when they open the presents you bought with cash you should’ve spent on cheap tequila and that one heavy chick who wears a bikini top to the bar even if it’s winter and you live in Duluth.

What’s even worse than this torture? Well, for me it’s going through this sober, but for you normal drunks? The worst part is trying to hide the disenchantment you feel when you open yet another bag of dress socks that only reminds you that you have to go back to the office after the festivities have ended in a gut wrenching hangover.

Fret no more, dear Patronizers, i’ve compiled a list here of shit you can ask for so that all you have to do is share this with loved ones so that you can be sure to get more than slapped this holiday season.

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A Bar None Christmas Special Education

Christmas Bar None Used 01

So far there are 1,802 of y’all who’ve strolled into the Bar None to pass some time on Christmas, and you can add one more to that number because i’m here with you, to thank you for spending some of your time on this day of all days to share with us. Whatever your age, sexy, race, religion, hell, whatever your reason i’m proud that you came by, and i thank you for patronizing me.

From the juiced-box: Corey Taylor – X-M@$

[Press ‘Play’ for “If I ain’t drunk then it ain’t Christmas”]

How do we celebrate X-mAss in the Bar None? Like everywhere else in the world, only better.

1. We drink a tree

Bar None Christmas Tree Bar None Dregs

Yule Get Drunk

2. We go nativity

Christmas Bar None Used 02 Nativity

God said, “Let there be Lite.”

3. We get the family Christmas carded

Christmas Bar None Used 03 Christmas Card

Mom likes “Do You Hear What I Fear?” Carol prefers “Fuck the Halls”

4. We go bar shopping

Christmas Bar None Used 04 Shop

“I’ll take a family-sized buzz, please.”

5. We give the gifts that keep giving up

Christmas Bar None Used 05 Open Presents

Grandma Liks Baking

6. We try to survive the day after

Christmas Bar None Used 06 Day After

What A Pisser

7. We bring the Big Man

We also get a visit from Santa Claus, but in the Bar None it’s better because we get more than one.

Christmas Bar None Santa 01

‘Twas The Nightmare Of Christmas

Christmas Bar None Santa 02

After A Night Out With The Tooth Fairy

Christmas Bar None Santa 03

Beard Goggles

Christmas Bar None Santa 04

Yo! Ho Ho

Want more holiday spirits? Click here for Posts of Christmas Past

Wait, before you go, wanna see me put the ‘X’ in ‘X-mas’? Click below the belt to get into my drawers because, unlike Christmas, you can come more than once a year.

Santa Belt Bar None Dregs

Bar None Drawers

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10 Drunk Xmas Gifts (A Top 10 Lips) [A Lazy Ass Repost]

Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.

“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.

And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.

What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?

1a. Toys for Boys

Hey, Don’t Blame His Taste, Blame Yours

1b. Toys for Chicks

Redneck Barbie

2. Toys for Neither

Bored Games

Not So Bored Games

3. For the Makers Marksmen

The Shot Gun

4. For the Festive Drinker


5. For Those with a Green Tongue

The Booze Tree

6. Drunk Test #1

Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?

Drunk Test #2

When You’re Lap Is Wet, You’re Drunk

7. For the Impractical Joker

Father Pissmas

8. For the Fashion Unconscious

Does Not Come In Small

9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me

The Beer-ed: Real Subtle

The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)

Check Out Her Jugs

10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?

And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif

North Pole Dancer

Happy Swalloween in the Bar None

i’ve decided to start a tradition, if “tradition” means fucking up the same way twice. Which it does. So i’m taking down last year’s dead meat and hanging up some fresh shit for ’tis the season to be drunk.

From the juiced-box: The Pretty Reckless – Zombie

[Press ‘Play’ for a song that will make you cum to life]

To kick things off in the ass, here’s something i can’t believe has not yet caught on.

Bar None Swalloween 01

How has this not become a thing?

Concerning my dressing, this year i’ve decided to come as…much as possible. Here are some other killer costumes.

Bar None Swalloween 02 Expose yourself

Expose Yourself

Bar None Swalloween 03 Jager Bomber

Jager Bomber

Bar None Swalloween 04 Very Deep Throat

Very Deep Throat

Bar None Swalloween 05 Kool Aids

Kool Aids

Bar None Swalloween 06 Wine-Oh!


Bar None Swalloween 07 Trick or Teat

Trick or Teat

Bar None Swalloween 08 Super Drunk Girl

Super Drunk Girl

This is where i keep the surprisingly popular Celebrity Halloween Costumes.

And the children! We can’t forget about the children! What would Halloween be without the little weenies?

Bar None Swalloween 09

Yes, it’s dated, but so have you.

Bar None Swalloween 10 Living Doll

Living Doll

Mad Boy

Mad Boy

Whatever you go as, make sure you go in piece…one piece.

Bar None Swalloween 12 Go Home, Skeleton, you're drunk

Finally, just in case all this fun has made you forget that i’m balls deep in recovery

Bar None Swalloween 13

10 Celebrity Halloween Costumes (A Top 10 Lips)

red-noir-lips bar none 10 celebrity halloween costumesTired of the question “What will you come as?” when you’re not sex role playing? Tired of being yourself and yet still don’t know what you want to be this year for Halloween? You’ve come to the right Bar None.

i’ve assembled a list of celebrity Halloween costumes to inspire you and, after some hemming (and hawing), i think i’ve got it all sewn up. Here, then, are ten Halloween costumes worn by actual celebrities that we can pattern ourselves after.

From the juiced-box and to get you in the mood, Marilyn Manson – This Is Halloween.

[Press ‘Play’ for Manson’s cover of the Danny Elfman song from Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas]

1. Justin Bieber Going as “A Male”

Justin Bieber - Male Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Justin Bieber Dressed Up As A Boy

Ahh, Justin Cider, you’re still my favorite lesbian. Bielibe that.

2. Mitt Romney Going As “Presidential”

Mitt Romney - Presidential Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Mitt Romney Pretending To Be Someone Who Can

Don’t forget, you still have time to vote in the US Presidential Election. If you ware not an American citizen and would like to vote, i’m selling my vote to the highest bidder.

3. Kim Kardashian Going As “A Human”

Kim Kardashian - Human Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Kim Kardashian Almost Looking Like She Comes From This Planet

Nice twist on the “I’m going as an alien”, we have an extra terrestrial coming as one of us.

4. Lindsay Lohan Going As “A Camel’s Toe”

Lindsay Lohan - Camel's Toe Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Lindsay Lohan Gets Bestial

Lindsay as her (second) favorite part of a camel’s anatomy.

5. Lance Armstrong Going as “An Athlete”

Lance Armstrong - Athlete Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Lance Armstrong Wants us To Believe He’s Clean!

Drug addicts always pick costumes that reveal what they think they really are.

6. Honey Boo Boo Going As “A Child”

Honey Boo Boo - Infant Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Peter Dinky-lage’s Inamorata Pretends To Be A Grown Up

She even acts childish!

7. Rihanna Going As “An Intellectual”

Rihanna - Intellectual Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Rihanna Looking Like She Should Know Better

Only problem is, she can’t wear this costume if she goes with Chris Brown because no one would get she was smart.

8. Miley Cyrus Going As “Dafuq?”

Miley Cyrus - Dafuq Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Miley Cyrus Living The Meme

Why so Cyrus?

9 Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake Going As “Lovers”

Jessica Biel & Justin Timberlake - Lovers Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Prick Or Teats

i also could’ve put “Justin Timberlake – Straight”.

10. Amanda Bynes Going As “Air Bags”

Amanda Bynes - Air Bags Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Amanda Bynes on Shalloween

My personal favorite. Amanda went ironic this year in reference to both her drunken hit & runs.

Click Here For More Top 10 Lips

The Hot Rod Unloads – Would Somebody Take A Photo Of Me Topless Please?

Like many grumpy bastards my age (mid-30’s….) I like to have a rant against the world. Thanks to the internet, everyone can rant away to their heart’s content. Whether people listen… well, that’s another problem, but often, it’s less about who reads the rant as much as it is about just doing the ranting.

There’s a couple of things I’ve seen in recent weeks and months that have just made me weep for the future of humanity. As a grumpy old bastard, it’s my solemn duty to now proceed to berate you with what I see as prime examples of bottom-feeding pond scum living off the goodness of others.

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