An anthem dedicated to drunk sorority girls everywhere: Ke$ha – Tik Tok
[Press 'Play' for "Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack /'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back"]
i’m an asshole for writing this post. Seriously, a big fucking asshole because i support these Sorority Girls and i think what went down with these ladies (no, it wasn’t me) totally reeks to high heaven.
Let’s get the Before and After pics out of the way first.
Let this be a warning to all you blossoming young things out there everywhere. The lighting sucks in police stations so you don’t want to go getting your ass arrested because the photo will look totally like you without make up. Can i got an “Oh my god!” from y’all?
These 5 young ladies, i’ma call them the 5 Mouths (because it sounds more like a cause that way and they’re from Monmouth in a state called Illinois which is apparently not even close to Tennessee or Florida and i may have just poked my finger right smack dab in the problem right there) were out getting their buzz on because one of the things Sorority Girls like to blow off is steam. (Yeah, i can pretty much keep this up all night. Fair Warning.)
They were cruising around in an SUV with a designated driver, i’m sure, because every last girl was 21 or over except for the driver, who was 18. Anyway, i love these girl, every last one of them, so i’m sure they had a designated driver when they came across a nativity scene in a public square. “What’s a nativity scene?” you’re asking me you heathen sums a bitches? It’s one of those Baby Jesus sleeping with sheep while three guys in dresses stand next to him and watch scenes. Here, maybe this’ll help.
There you go. Now the baby girls were feeling a little Christmas joy spreading through their netherland regions because they’d been drowning their sororities in a bar before and they decided to pull the prank so hard it came to them that they should steal some of the Holy Meal Figurines and lay them on the lawn of the University President.
Remember how i said before the problem was that this happened in Illinois and not Florida (or Tennessee)? Because that’s this part right here. Some witness squealed like a Nativity Pig bringing Little Baby Jesus the bacon and told the cops that 5 babes in an SUV kidnapped the Nativity Scene and don’t even tell me you already forgot what that was. Here, it looks like this, ‘member?
The police found the girls and the SUV behind a Taco Bell which proves what upright citizens they are because girls who drink booze and eat at Taco Bell are the kinda women you want around when you need them. i respect this so much i’m not even going to spend the next 10 minutes thinking of as many Sorority Girl / Fish Taco jokes as i can like some twisted Boggle game gone horribly wrong.
Then you know what the 18-year-old designated driver does? She goes, “Can we give them back?” i mean look at her up there in the mugshots. She’s the second from the left all red eyed from bawling and shit. Like, i know, right!?
You know me (and if you don’t i have a Bottom Bitch position available), normally i’m all about publishing the names of these waste cases who stumble their ways into the Bar None dregs. But this time, No! i’m making a fucking stand. As your FASe (Functional Alcoholic Slurperson), i’m saying these girls were having a fun time, drinking responsibly with a designated driver and they went off on an innocent joke that didn’t hurt anyone or damage anything. You wanna bust chicks for this? Hell no, which is why i’m going to let them keep their anonymity.
But that’s not all i’m going to do for the 5 Mouths. i’m also sending the following email to the Police Department of Monmouth Illinois.
Dear Chief Zeigler,
I don’t know if you remember or not, but on December 12, 2011, police officers of your department arrested five young ladies on the charge of misdemeanor theft after they were caught frolicking completely clothed late one evening. They simply liberated a Baby Jesus and other Nativity Statues and temporarily relocated them to another place. No harm, no foul, right? This is merely the outdoor equivalent of a tipsy pillow fight in the dorm rooms and I don’t need to tell you how prevalent those are in the sorority system.
Chief, I think you and I can both agree that these kind of shenanigans are par for the course for ladies of this age and they seemed to have been acting responsibly in choosing a designated driver and offering to replace the displaced goods. Can we not find it in our hearts to let them off with a warning this holiday season? A little generosity would be construed as a priceless gift of freedom and I have no doubt you would feel much better yourself after this selfless act of giving. Indeed, perhaps now is the most appropriate time of all to ask ourselves, “What would Jesus do?” If you’re like me, you know the answer is things like “Judge not lest ye be judged” or “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” if you roll more New Testament style.
Let’s stand united, Chief Zeigler, arm in arm, side by side and turn the other cheek together.
Al K Hall
(Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson
You know what i think? i think y’all should write a letter of your own to get deep into the 5 Mouths cause. It doesn’t have to be long, just a couple lines saying that the powers that be in Illinois should go light on the 5. In case you missed it, the email address is: email@example.com
BTW, i’m not even kidding about this. i seriously cut and pasted the above note and emailed it. If any of you follow my lead, please post a copy of the text of your note in the Comments Page.
Because Sorority Girls develop into women in Universities, i thought it would be appropriate to have a pop quiz. i’ll show you a picture and ask a question and you have to answer it without peeking. The answers are at the very bottom of this post, after the Continue Reading click and the Drawer Shots.
1.Which one of these Sorority Girls most regrets her arrest?
2. Which one of these Sorority Girls is the biggest slut?
3. Which one of these Sorority Girls is the biggest alcoholic?
4. Which one of these people would Al K Hall NOT sleep with?
Again, the answers are after the jump and after the drawer shots, so click if you want to see how well you did.