Earth Is A Memory Worth Fighting For. “Oblivion” Isn’t.
Ramblings: Negative Space
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with someone in a coma? You sit there for a couple hours pouring vodka into his IV bag waiting for him to wake up or do something interesting and maybe once or twice he has a crisis and so you get bursts of excitement when they come in with their crash carts and shit to revive him but then it’s back to just sitting there in a very hi-tech room where nothing really goes down or comes up except a heavy buzz that drags you down and you have to fight against it to stay awake. That’s what Oblivion was like.
CGI is a wonderful thing. And the hovering machines look good, too.
2077, 5 years after the mandatory [apocalypse]
Cool exploding moon shot
The movie is set in a desert wasteland. Super exciting.
Plus he sleeps a lot because his dreams are important
The only thing not predictable about this story is how long it would be
Good sets
Who the fuck is the second 3rd Jack?
Based on a comic [that explains it]
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Regrets the days when phone sex was a career option…
Sex:
Tom Cruise’s partner’s (Andrea Riseborough as Victoria) naked back in the shower. Nice back. The front…?
Tom Cruise’s back in the shower. He’s still fit. #CGI
Vickie’s nude silhouette by moonlight, [bare] butt in the water swimming
Is that the girl from Firefly / V / Homeland who i’ve seen naked? [Morena Baccarin]
Nope, it’s not her. [It's Olga Kurylenko] I’d like to see her naked, though.
That’s Zoe Bell in the background
Drink:
Tom’s gonna burn one down
We’ll grow old and fat together, and fight and drink too much.
Rock & Roll:
Special effects and shit
Blue Oyster Cult
The Wall album cover
Led Zeppelin “Ramble On”
“Whiter Shade of Pale” on the turntable
Techno song at the credits
Cue the theme to “Star Wars”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Joseph Kosinski: graphic novel and original story
Karl Gajdusek and Michael DeBruyn: screenplay
Directed by: Joseph Kosinski
Starring
Tom Cruise … Jack
Morgan Freeman … Beech
Olga Kurylenko … Julia
Andrea Riseborough … Victoria
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau … Sykes
Melissa Leo … Sally
Zoe Bell … Kara
When i say this movie bombs…
Bottom Line
Perfect if you’ve ODed on uppers and need something to help you come down. This film could take the inventor of the Starbuck’s taste challenge out for a nap.
Wait, the poster says May 3 and this was posted April 25? Yep, once again Yeaman caught some action before y’all in the United States. What, you don’t believe me? That kind of attitude is exactly why i take these shitty photos on my phone and make them into a child’s school-made Mother’s Day card collage.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Hit House – Basalt
[Press 'Play' for some instrumental rock]
Iron Man Crack House
Ramblings: A Little Rusty
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in a tux? You feel like hot shit when you put it on and you strut around feeling invincible and a lot of that feeling comes from the drink and you think you’re better than you are at first until the booze bears down on you and the night wears down on you too like you wear the suit and with every sip you feel the feeling slip away until it’s all over and you stand there naked and feel like the suit, polished on the outside, empty in the inside, all package and little soul. That’s kinda what Iron Man 3 is like.
The first thing i gotta say is, i hate reruns of Christmas episodes in the summer more than i hate just about anything and by that i mean i would rather have Justin Bieber crawl his way up into my ass, claw his way through my bowels and slide out my mouth than watch A Very Special Holiday Episode of Dexter. Like Die Hard, Iron Man 3 is a Christmas movie and i’m not even shitting you. It’s a Christmas movie released in April / May and i have no idea what the fuck to make of that so i’m just going to pretend it isn’t happening and kick the review off right now.
Is that a suit or a new Baskin Robins flavor?
There was a lot of good here and i’ll start with that because you know how i feel about Robert Downey Jr, which is the same i feel about every mother fucker who led one hell of a fucked up life and then went sober and held it together and is watching the promises come true while at the same time being true to himself.
“I’m calling you a cab, bro.”
So. The good. The last action scene was very incredible and i wished it lasted forever. The actors, are very good, especially RDJ and Gwyneth Paltrow who i still haven’t figured out why people are always getting on her shit, because she’s hot and classy which are two words good ol’ me doesn’t use too much in the same sentence. Also, Tony Stark wimps out a little and shows his vulnerable side and this adds to his depth. All of this works.
The things that dragged me down a little were small little itty bitty things, like the plot. Tony has some PTSD after New York and The Avengers and when he talks about this shit, it reminds me that The Avengers had some serious shit go down in it and that Iron Man 3 is really just a quickie toss off to help us maintain our hardons until the orgy of The Avengers 2.
“It’s a date!”
Also, all the dialog and explanations put the “awful” back in “awful lot of talking”. i don’t give a shit why people do the action and i sure as shit don’t want to hear you explain why you do the action, i just want to see some fucking action. If this was a real comic, the page would be totally white with all the cartoon balloons, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.
The last thing i’ll whine about here is the fact that the movie is called Iron Man and we see less of Iron Man here than any other movie. It shoulda been called “Find Iron Man” because you really gotta pay attention to see him. Plus, is it me or am i crazy or all of the above, Tony Stark is Iron Man, right? If it’s just a load of empty suits flying around, doesn’t that take away from the Iron Mystique?
“Wait, why is my suit called The Piñata?”
So you should definitely see this movie because i want you to give Robert Downey Jr some money, but if you arrive a couple hours late, you won’t be missing too much.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shots
The Six Billion Dollar Dildo
There were some beautiful actresses in this movie and some of them were even cute but as far as the skin on the screen, this was more hard up than hard on. The sexiest scene? 2 shots of Gwyneth Paltrow in a sports bra. Once she was tied up on some kind of rack and the other time she was kicking ass and liking it but i can sure as shit tell you that she was fit as hell.
Gwyneth Paltrow Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s some more shots of her down there in my drawers. Just scroll down all the way to the bottom of the post and then go a little lower.
The equally as lovely but brunette-ier Rebecca Hall did a great job acting, they just made her overdress way too much to do it. Here’s a shot to tide you over until you make it all the way down there, to my drawers.
The weird thing–OK, with me there are a lot of weird things, but this one is really weird because Yvonne Zima (Madeline’s sister) is listed in the cast but i didn’t recognize her in the movie and don’t remember anyone called “Miss Elk Ridge”. If any of y’all readers know who she is, please leave a comment and set me straighter than this wallpaper, like that’s at all possible. [UPDATE: props to the wonderful Messed Up Marionette, who pointed out Zima was the beauty contest winner. Sure enough, when i went back to verify, i noticed IMDB had corrected their typo. Originally they'd written Miss Elkridge, but now it says Miss Elk Ridge. Thanks Marionette.]
Yvonne Zima Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers as well.
Thank god for the Silken Butterflies. Starting things off right on the pretty little foot is the super talented Noa Lindberg who was here as Michele Cusick. Not only is she talented and beautiful, she’s also gutsy as she’s agreed to to an interview for the Bar None, so stay right there on the edge of your seat until that comes together.
What’s an important role in any movie? The bartender, of course, and Crisann Peters fit the part of “Neptune’s Bartender” so well that it made me weep for my past, when i was still drinking and she coulda tended some bars around me. Even less logical than that last sentence is that Crisann, too, has agreed to an interview in the Bar None. i’m thinking this new Jose Cuervo cologne is really starting to work wonders.
Also thrown into the mix was the equally (well, almost equally because she isn’t letting me interview her) delightful Meghan Aruffo, as the enviable “NYE Party Girl”, and aren’t we all?
For those of you more into Iron Men than Iron Ladies (RIP on Margaret “Thatchick” Thatcher), here’s a shot of Iron Man out of his suit.
Drink: ½ Shot
There was some alcohol on the screen, so i have to give it the symbolic half-shot for effort, but there is really the minimum here.
Here’s the way that spilled out on screen:
[Tony Stark] Drinks wine in his workshop. Obviously [from the rosy pink color], fake wine for RDJ
Flat champagne for when Pepper comes home
Mandarin drinks Kronenbourg from a can and offers some to Stark
The Villain (and despite the wardrobe NOT a 70′s Magician, 80′s Singer or 90′s Stand up comic)
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
Two shots and both of them are for the action climax at the end and none of the rest.
You want rock and roll? Go back to Iron Man 1 and 2, where they have the decency to give us some AC/DC. Here there’s no real rock, just rock-like instrumental incidental music. You wanna song with words? No problem, there’s a jazz version of Jingle Bells sung by a cat named Vinne Zummo in the movie and i ain’t even shitting you one bit.
“Well, Oprah, I do my best *not* to fart in the suit.”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Stan Lee, Don Heck, Larry Lieber & Jack Kirby (comic book)
Drew Pearce & Shane Black (screenplay)
Directed by: Shane Black
Starring
Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Rebecca Hall – Maya Hansen
Noa Lindberg – Michele Cusick
Crisann Peters – Neptunes Bartender
Yvonne Zima – Miss Elk Ridge
Meghan Aruffo – NYE Party Girl
Bottom Line
C’mon, you knew before you read this if you were gonna see it or not. If you saw the first two, then you gotta see this one anyway. If you don’t have to see it, you should anyway because RDJ should have your money.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Four Horsemen – Back In Business Again
[Press 'Play' for some fuckers back for another round]
i got lucky again, if “lucky” means seeing this one day before it was released in the States. If it doesn’t mean that, then i got whatever the word for seeing it in Yeaman first is.
Here’s the shots off my cell phone as proof.
Ramblings: G.I. Joe: Retail Nation
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with a pizza delivery guy? He shows up on time and decides to come in and have a brew with you and he’s only just a kid but cool enough and after all he did bring the fucking pizza. Sure, all he did was bring what you ordered but how often have you ordered a pizza and they get the order wrong and it’s got pineapple or fish or some shit on it or they bring it way too late or sometimes they don’t even bring it at all? At least this guy really brings it. He brings the pizza and it’s not an awesome pizza, hell, it’s not even a great pizza and it’s not like they surprise you with extra ingredients or a hot delivery chick or free beer, you get just what you ordered and you ordered what you wanted so you end up getting what you wanted which is more than you can say for a lot of drunk pizza delivery guys. G.I. Joe: Retaliation is exactly like that pizza: simple fare but fare enough.
Cue Ball + Crystal Ball = 2 big balls
Yeah, i hesitated between 2½ and 3 shots but i decided to round up for a couple reasons. Like i didn’t expect much and i wasn’t disappointed, which actually doesn’t always happen. Like with The Expendables, i went expecting a basic action movie and i saw an ugly chick flick.
It’s simple, when i see an action movie i want rock and roll, special effects, and action. Lots of fucking action. G.I. Joe: Retaliation delivers all of that. Nothing more, but what they delivered is fulfilling enough that i left satisfied.
The story was easy to follow and didn’t need tons of talk to set it up. The costumes and sets were often kind of cool, the fight scenes weren’t boring and there were enough of them, the actors were above average for the genre, and the special effects didn’t look too fake.
Street Fighter flashback, anyone?
Some things were hard to swallow, of course. Like the code names these poor Joes are stuck with are downright embarrassing. i can’t imagine the shame of the G.I. Joe cotillion when people have to walk around with name tags that say, “Roadblock”, “Firefly” or “Storm Shadow”. A couple of WTF moments left a bad taste in my mouth (Welshman Jonathan Pryce as President of the United States? A country where the President can replace his entire staff with Nazis over night and everyone obeys with 100% commitment simly because he’s the President?) but this is a pizza movie so i’m not gonna bitch because i can’t have my cake and eat it, too.
An Welsh president? Only in America
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 shots
Yes, there was a slather (yes it’s a word, it’s spelled s-l-a-t-h-e-r) of Silken Butterflies and Elodie Yung is French so that’s another bonus point but the 2 shots here is all Adrianne Palicki (as “Lady Jaye”). While i was looking up pictures of her for this post, i saw her progress from this cute young woman who posed in provocative pics to launch (among other things) her career and then i saw she’s been in more doomed pilots than a gay World War II Flying Ace. Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Robinsons: Lost In Space…
“My 3rd eye mole is up here.”
That she’s beautiful is obvious but watching her on screen i saw a natural charm and a down to earth spark that lit me up. She was born in fucking Toleda, for chrissake. Is she the girl next door? Don’t fuckin’ know, but she can sure as shit act like it and she’s an actress, after all, so if she’s good enough to act like she is then i’m buying into the myth conception.
Starting with this.
Adrianne Palick Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s tons more single shots of her down in my drawers. Just keep scrolling down until you hit my pay dirty.
Plus like i already said, Elodie Yung was in this as Jinx and she’s so cute she could be French. Because she is. Plus she’s Elodie Yung, which she is too. This is what i mean.
Elodie Yung Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s more shots of her in my drawers with Adrianne down there. ↓
There was a slather (see? would i have used it twice if it wasn’t a real word?) of lovely ladies who were in the movie just long enough to wet our…whistles and to leave us wanting more.
First up are the amazing Joanna Leeds and Elana Justin who both star as interns.
Joanna Leeds
Elana Justin
Then there was the incredible Tiffany Lonsdale who appeared as the “British Expert”.
Tiffany Lonsdale in the Bar None
Finally, is the tragically uncredited Brittney Alger who played the pivotal role of Bartender #1.
Is she not adorable? i’ma hit her up for an interview to make up for the fact she was uncredited in the movie. i’ll give her credit where credit is due, ‘swhat i’m saying.
Here’s the blow by blow of the sex in the movie:
She [Adrianne Palicki] bends over in shorts, half jogging shirt & she’s fit
Her [Adrianne Palicki] in a red dress changing out of it into t-shirt with sexy black lingerie [while Flint watches her by her reflection in a TV screen]
Not enough sex on TV
Her [Adrianne Palicki] in jeans from behind. Oh my…
Drink: 0 Shots
How do you know it’s PG-13? We toast with water.
Square this one away and get me a beer.
–The short-lived Duke to a subordinate concerning a nuclear missile after a mission
Champagne at presidential roast
“When I stand up, you’ll get the bottle back again.”
Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots
The action was good and a couple times it was even semi-original which was way more than i could’ve hoped for.
Add to that a decently hard soundtrack by some guy named Henry Jackman, plus the song at the top and now this one that came in during the credits. The Heavy – How You Like Me Now
[Press 'Play' for how you like me now]
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick
Directed by: Jon M. Chu
Helmets with Spit Guards
Starring
Adrianne Palicki – Jaye
Elodie Yung – Jinx
Joanna Leeds – Intern
Elana Justin – Intern
Tiffany Lonsdale – British Expert
Brittney Alger – Bartender #1 (uncredited)
Dwayne Johnson – Roadblock
Jonathan Pryce – President
Byung-hun Lee – Storm Shadow
Ray Stevenson – Firefly
D.J. Cotrona – Flint
Channing Tatum – Duke
Bottom Line
Basic meat lovers pizza: a little cheesy but not totally tasteless.
The text is done and so am i. It’s late and i’ve been power putting this together to get it ready for a same-day posting so i’ll shut up now and give you the photos of the ladies and nothing else. Continue reading
Did you see the date on the poster? March 22, Barmaids and Beerhounds. And what day did i post this bad boy? March 20. Once again they decided to throw this up here in Yeaman before serving it up to a real public. Here’s the screen shot i took with my camera because i know you don’t trust me.
Ramblings: Die Hardly
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk at a family reunion? It’s always the same relatives like the stoic ex-cop uncle who drinks almost as much as you and he walks heavily like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders when in fact it’s just his huge fucking head, and then you have the standup dad who has a ton of responsibility but smiles shitloads and whatever happens you can be sure he’ll be the one to say grace before you can try the jello shots and over there you have your crazy sister’s latest psycho foreign boyfriend (she just won’t do domestic) who gets fucked up on import ale laced with meth and he starts threatening grandma with a spork until vet cop uncle and pastor dad beat him up then talk him down with too much talk and too much down because even if it was fun at the beginning when the fucker went whack, the rest of the evening is just a lot of drunken boring ass chat and you remember too late that every fucking family reunion is exactly like this and you make a mental note never to put yourself through this shit again but you’ll forget once more as soon as someone mentions free beer. That’s what you’ll be thinking after you see Olympus Has Fallen.
“Do you want to put the ‘secret’ back in the ‘service’, Timmy?”
I’m going to tell you a secret nobody wants you to know. OHF is a remake of the first Die Hard.
How does OHF measure up? Not anywhere near as good as the first Die Hard, but streaks in your underwear ahead of the A Good Day to Die Hard.
The problem is that, ironically enough, it starts off kind of good, like A Good Day To Die Hard because when they do the action it really rocks and rocks hard. But then they decide there aren’t enough clichés (*cough* troubled marriage *cough*) and so they have to go back and it takes a long time for Antoine “Fuck ya” Fuqua to put all of them in (here are some high fives in the control room for you) and he’s so worried about inserting every single last fucking cliché (patriotic speech at the end, anyone?) he can find that he totally forgets to include some good shit, too.
Hates it when they wax the front porch
You know how good movie reviewers have started talking about different parts of movies? Well, i’m not good enough to do that yet but i can say without spoiling anything that there are 3 parts and the 2nd one where they take over the White House is cool as fucking hell. Before that? If you want to have a pee and a popcorn and arrive 10 minutes late you won’t miss anything. Seriously, how long does it take to set up what we already know is going to happen because it’s on the fucking poster!?
“As soon as it’s safe, turn around.”
After they take over the White House and Butler has to go all John McClane on everybody’s ass, “Fuckya” decides he wants to throw more WTF moments than you can count into the mix but i’m not going to go into that here because they include spoilers. Suffice to say, if you want to go home early and read more of my blog, do it—there’s at least as much shit here as there is in the film.
“No, Ma’am, you don’t understand. It’s not harassment if you’re ugly.”
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
Yeah, there was nothing resembling anything sexual in this movie. The closest we get is Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan (Melissa Leo) in a silk underthing over her bra.
Oppa Gangbang Style
Other than that, there are some very beautiful women in the movie, but it’s an “action” movie which means men just want to watch other men get hot and sweaty and wrestle with other.
But you know me, and if you don’t i’m the one who invented donner pizza, i’m all about the soft side of life so let’s get started off on that foot right away with both of Radha Mitchell’s soft sides.
Radha Mitchell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
She has the coolest beauty marks on her neck, swear to god. If you want more proof of that, there’s some single shots of her down below in my drawers, just scroll to the end of the post and you’ll find ‘em lingering there.
There was also the delicious Angela Basset who played a politician type of woman but i didn’t care about that as much as i cared about this.
Angela Basset Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s drawer shots of her as well.
Rounding things up, way up, is Ashley Judd who plays the First Lady and when you see these shots, you’ll see why she comes First. Although you probably will. Anyway, get a fill of her here because she’s not in the movie as much as you’d like.
Ashley Judd Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i also stuffed my drawers with some single shots of her down below, too.
Making an all too brief appearance as “Nurse” is the always lovely Amber Dawn Landrum, who is always as lovely as this:
Not to mention the amazing Malana Lea, who played Lim, and she was. See?
Drink: 0
Not a drop.
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
Like i already said, there was lots of cool rock and roll action for the fight scene but before and after that there was just a lot of nothing. And absolutely no rock in the soundtrack. Not even the mandatory single during the credits. The one cliché i don’t mind so much…
“Sorry, sir, your arm is falling off. Let me get that for you.”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Creighton Rothenberger & Katrin Benedikt
Directed by: Antoine Fuqua
Starring
Angela Bassett – Secret Service Director Lynn Jacobs
Melissa Leo – Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan
Radha Mitchell – Leah
Malana Lea – Lim
Amber Dawn Landrum – Nurse
Gerard Butler – Mike Banning
Aaron Eckhart – President Benjamin Asher
Finley Jacobsen – Connor
Dylan McDermott – Forbes
Rick Yune – Kang
Morgan Freeman – Speaker Trumbull
Bottom Line
If you gotta see it, leave after they kill the South Korean President. If you don’t gotta see it, watch Die Hard instead.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Skrillex – Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites
[Press 'Play' for some moody music to read by]
You know what? And i know you don’t else i wouldn’t have asked, Spring Broke early in Yeaman so i got to see the goodies weeks before any Yanks. This is to make up for the fact we got Django Unchained months late. Anyway, read this and weep or get wet another way while checking out the screen shots i got.
Yes, i did get a new phone, thanks for noticing.
Ramblings: One Hot Spring
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a popcorn bowl full of Gummi Bears? Sure they’re good and even give your buzz a buzz cuz of all the extra sugar but the problem is you can’t stop eating them just like you can’t stop drinking and you realize there is such a thing as too much of a good thing especially when both of them together don’t mix but make you a little sick to your stomach so you sit there uncomfortably on your stool trying to hide your spontaneous erection with a cock-tail napkin that’s a layer too small while you fight not to throw up all at the same time. That’s exactly what Spring Breakers was like.
Jail Bait
To help put this movie in perspective for y’all, take a look at the poster up top. See the babe bent over in the pink hair? She’s 26 years old and married to a 40-year old guy…who also directed this movie. Yep, that’s where this movie is hardly coming from.
There is a reason oil and water, whiskey and firearms, or Debs at a Barely Legal convention don’t mix and Spring Breakers is it because it tries to be both a serious coming of age tale and a T&A flick but just ends up being a seriously aged coming again and again film without enough flick of her tale. Harmony Korine (the 40-year old director who brazenly ignores the “½ your age + 7″ rule) tried to make Scarface meets The Hangover but instead of getting the art of Scarface and the humor of The Hangover, what he threw up on screen had the comedy of Scarface and the artistry of The Hangover.
Franco finds his dentist
But what about the actresses, you ask, you curious sins of the bitches you. They were hot if you like the finely toned, perfectly honed, willingly boned teenage girl prancing around in her bikini type but let’s face it, if Selena Gomez could act, we’d of heard about it by now. If Vanessa Hudgens was an actress, she’d have acted in Sucker Punch. If Ashley Whatshername was talented, i’d remember her last name. They were more than pretty enough for you to see the flick just for their skin as long as you don’t expect anything more, because booty is skin deep. And so is Spring Breakers.
Practice makes perfect
This was so obvious that even the Harmony (who’s a guy despite his name) realized it so he tried to edit the film around their gaps in talent but the gaps were so big the style devices (flash forwards, repeating scenes, odd lighting, extreme closeups, blurry lenses…) became the movie and looked like he was a drunk little boy who’d just discovered the effects panel on Windows Movie Maker.
The final word? An artistic movie about near teens in bikinis going gangster looks great on paper…just not on the screen
Shitting Bricks
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 4 Shots
Not a big surprise here, i know. What do you want, they parade the babes in their early 20′s in their bikinis for the whole fucking movie. Not just a lot of the fucking movie, the whole fucking movie. The actresses no doubt caught all kind of colds and shit during the filming but i don’t care what diseases they have because, like a Pokémon, i wanna to catch them all.
Wow, check out her jug!
FYI, there was too much hot for this one post so the individual shots of the actresses are smoldering over at The Girls From SPRING BREAKERS post.
i’m gonna start off with a mystery. IMDB lists the stellar Heather Morris as “Bess”, but i didn’t recognize her anywhere in this movie. Maybe if one of y’all spot her you could leave a comment on where she was hanging out, other than right here because i don’t care if i could find her in the film as long as i could locate her in the Bar None.
Heather Morris Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be some drawer shots of her at the bottom of the post. Just scroll all the way down to where it says “Continue reading…” and then click.
Before i show some more skin, here’s the blow by blow:
Opening credits is hot girls in bikinis drinking beer
Slo-mo big breasts shaking while guys pour beer on them close-up.
Lots of topless
Vanessa [Hudgens] simulating fellatio
Blonde neighbor girl. Platinum short hair. [Actually, this might be Heather Morris]
Girls exchange kiss hits of grass
Count money in their bras
This money makes my pussy wet. It makes my tits look bigger.
Girls peeing together
Coke off a flat chested girl’s naked tattooed body
3 way in the pool, Franco, Ashley & VH [Vanessa Hudgens], girl on girl kisses [this was a super hot scene]
glimpses of VH topless
André with 3 [naked] women in bed & they’re chubby chubby
France gives head to a gun
What happens in my lap, stays in my lap
Here, then are the girls. Like i said, the solo shots of them are located in a different post, but here are the Wallpapers.
Selena Gomez Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Ashley Benson Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There were Butterflies a-plenty flitting across the silver screen all too briefly and i was only able to net three of them.
Emma Holzer rocked the role of “Heather”…
Cait Taylor sparkled as “Tiffany”…
And i don’t know how the Oscar committee could have overlooked Lauren Vera’s incarnation of “Spring Breaker”…
For those of you more into Spring than Bounce, there was James Franco. Kind of.
That moment you realize the poster teeth are better than yours
James Franco Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Drink: 4 Shots
Dudes. It’s a movie about Spring Break. The sole remaining vestige of a Roman orgy. How could there not be booze?
Fairy Tails
Beer
Drinking contest where guys “pee beer” from a can into babes’ mouths
Whiskey squirt gun, home alone in the evening (Ashley)
SG [Selena Gomez] smoking
[Girl] passed out in bathroom with puke filled toilet
I’m not drunk enough for that.
Champagne bottle on the piano outside
i’ll take one to go, please.
Rock & Roll: ½ Shot
Are you kidding me? The soundtrack had a lot of shit by some act called Skillrex or something and that guys knows as much about rock as he does hair styling. There may have been some pretty decent rap but for the most part, the OST was pretty lame.
DangeRuss Slumming It
What did not make the soundtrack, however, was a cute moment when Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens sing “Hit Me Baby (One More Time)” a capella while drinking.
What was less cute was James Franco rapping, but this doesn’t mean he didn’t do a good job. i thought he held his own, and i should know, i’m kind of the expert on that. But you be the judge.
[Press 'Play' for James Franco rapping with DangeRuss - Hangin' with da Dope Boys]
Unrapping
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Harmony Korine
Find Waldo
Directed by: Harmony Korine
Starring
Selena Gomez – Faith
Ashley Benson – Brit
Vanessa Hudgens – Candy
Rachel Korine – Cotty
Heather Morris – Bess
Lauren Vera – Spring Breaker
Emma Holzer – Heather
Cait Taylor – Tiffany
James Franco – Alien
Bottom Line
Let’s be honest. Four hot nearly jailbait girls getting drunk in bikinis and shooting people is not a good idea for a movie–it’s a good idea for a religion.
That’s the review done. If you’re still not and want to see pics of Heather Morris, click on. If you want to see pics of the other lead actresses, i keep them in a whole ‘nother drawer.
You know how you get drunk with a Gran? Before you even get there you start to worry because she’s old and you know you’re going to get more bored than a teetotaler on Spring Break in Cancun where what happens in Cancun stays in your subconscious but you’ve decided you’re going to do this so you load up and sit down. She’s nice enough at the beginning, well-mannered and elegant and as she gets her buzz on you start to get into her and her stories because she’s a damn good story teller and the stories she tells are interesting as are the people that populate them and then she hits her groove and you can’t help it, you’re getting turned on so you commit and get a lot deeper into her than you ever thought you would so by the time it’s over you’re happy, sweaty and more than a little amazed. That’s the way it was with Lincoln.
“I can’t wait until electricity is invented.”
The history is interesting but i know how it ends
Nice from a movie making point of view but not extraordinary
Made politics remotely interesting
It doesn’t get better, but my appreciation of it does
A deeply American film, and i’m deeply American
i’m not sure the assassination added to the film. It’s not a biopic of his whole life after all.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
After putting on her dress, Mary Todd realized she had to pee again.
Sex:
Sally Fields undressing to nightgown
Drink:
It’s a hundred miles to Richmond. Get him drunk so he can sleep.
-Holbrook’s wife to the servant putting him in a stagecoach
“Please put your urine sample on the table, James Spader.”
Robert California [James Spader--his role in The Office was 'Robert California' and i couldn't remember his real name while i was taking notes during the movie] drinks beer in a pub talking about getting dem[ocrat] support
Beer in a pub with planning
TLJ [Tommy Lee Jones] drinks whiskey in kitchen [during a] secret meeting with Lincoln
Lincoln offers Yeaman [!] a drink
A bottle of beer in the house
Rock & Roll:
War fought with bayonets and fists
The Last of the Abe Lincolns
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Doris Kearns Goodwin (book), Tony Kushner (screenplay)
Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Starring
Daniel Day-Lewis – Abraham Lincoln
Sally Field – Mary Todd Lincoln
David Strathairn – William Seward
Joseph Gordon-Levitt – Robert Lincoln
James Spader – W.N. Bilbo
Hal Holbrook – Preston Blair
Tommy Lee Jones – Thaddeus Stevens
“I’ll just hold this pose–call the sculptor for my memorial.”
Bottom Line
Are you kidding? It has a character called “Yeaman”, of course you should see it.
From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: The White Stripes – Fell in Love with a Girl
[Press 'Play' for the second best song in the movie...and not on the soundtrack]
Ramblings: Panty Linings Playbook
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk wearing a suit? Not the part when you talk too loud so that everyone within shouting distance knows how over the top you went and not the part when everyone can smell the sheen gleaming in the sick that streaks your lapels. No, there are those moments before everyone becomes your best friend and before you get so phony all your bars are full of reception, before you try too hard to be funny and to fall in love, moments when you are a little off kilter, a little skewed but still you feel a little more you than you’ve been in a while because you are sincere and honest enough to let the crazy out a crack and you accidentally become endearing. That’s what Silver Linings Playbook is like.
“I’m going to switch this envelope out for the one that says ‘Argo’.”
SLP is a romantic comedy that is neither, and all the better for it. You know me and if you don’t, i’m the guy that came up with “dramantic comedy” or “drom-com” and go ahead, you can keep mocking me even after you steal that expression because that’s also the kind of guy i am. i hate romantic comedies more than i hate life itself and i only went to see this because it was nominated for an Oscar and plus the only thing easier in life than hating romantic comedies is mocking them and i’m all about the easy.
Imagine my surprise when i didn’t hate this movie. Why i didn’t is a whole ‘nother story—not really, it’s the whole story of this post and i didn’t hate the movie because it wasn’t a romantic comedy, it was a sexy shell with some serious drama deep down at the bottom, like panty liners hidden inside scanty panties. Also, the ending was happy in the movie just like panty liners are happy in their own way because it means she’s not pregnant, am i right?
“You’re so hot, and not just the sweaty kind.”
Basically i got emotionally invested in the characters here and i never do that for a movie like this unless it is this. Why? Read on, Buttercup.
The best thing about this movie were the actors and you know how sometimes you don’t know what makes a good actor because you can’t really put your finger on it? Go and see SLP for a good lesson on that. Chris “Mother” Tucker takes the role of the nutso friend and drives it straight to the place you’d expect and drops it off there without taking us anywhere. Some other guy (John Ortiz) plays the BF and you watch him going, “Yeah, he’s the BF because he’s acting the way the BF is supposed to”.
But Bradley Cooper (who is the person i will sleep with right after Eliza Dushku if i go gay) and Jennifer Lawrence (who i would sleep with first no matter what) fucking nail their characters. They play crazy perfectly because they don’t “play crazy”, they play crazy people trying to act normal which is a whole hell of a lot more realistic.
“You overpaid for your track suit, babe.”
The other good thing about this (yeah, i’ll skip the part about how De Niro finally gets his acting chops into a meatier role than he’s been served in a long time) is the director who’s some guy called David O. Russell (who also directed the fuckin’ excellent The Fighter). The cool thing about his directing is that you don’t notice it, which is what good directing is about (unless you go the other way where the directing is the best part of the movie, like Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula or Andrew Niccol’s Lord of War).
Everything comes together in this movie and chips in to elevate it above the normal level of a rom-coma and even if that doesn’t make it Oscar worthy, it still makes it worth a viewing.
Meanwhile, at the same sex marriage gala…
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2½ Shots
“No, that’s a roll of dimes I keep in my pocket.”
Sure, i love Jennifer Lawrence (“Tiffany” in this movie), but more importantly i like her a lot. She’s hot but she wasn’t always hot and she won’t always be hot but what she will always be is a good actress and fucking cool. For the good actress part all you have to do is watch Silver Linings Playbook to see what i mean and for the cool part check out these quotes.
Not to sound rude, but [acting] is stupid. Everybody’s like, ‘How can you remain with a level head?’ And I’m like, ‘Why would I ever get cocky? I’m not saving anybody’s life. There are doctors who save lives and firemen who run into burning buildings. I’m making movies. It’s stupid.
Or, and this is my personal favorite,
I went to the doctor today and got a chest X-ray of my lungs and discovered that my breasts are uneven! That was all I saw.
You know me (and if you don’t, my breasts are uneven too), i’m all about the investigative journalism, so let’s take a close up and personal look at this, shall we?
Jennifer Lawrence Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Like with most of the actresses, there are single shots of Jennifer in my drawers, down below. Just scroll all the way down until you hit the “Continue reading” link and then do just that.
Another wonderful actress gracing this movie is Julia Plenty of Stiles (aka “Veronica” here). i’ve liked her ever since i didn’t see her that one Heath Ledger movie (10 Things I Hate About You) but saw some Stiles stills and she was gorgeous and it was kinda like this.
Julia Stiles Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
What else is good about SLP? Here’s the blow by blow from my notes:
[Glimpses of] Ex-wife (Nikki / Brea Bee) in the shower
Closeups of JL’s [Jennifer Lawrence's] “necklace”, i.e. cleavage & the moles [which i've just realized is a great fucking name for a girl's band]
Vaguely dirty talk @ restaurant: Older mature lesbian with younger girl on her lap explaining / teaching her what to do [i put this dialog down in my drawers, if you really care.]
JL’s bare back
JL’s dance costume rocked halter top
One of my favorite lines from the movie was more about sex than romance. This exchange is between Bradley Cooper’s character (Pat) and a guy taking advantage of Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) sexually.
Jordie
How am I being rude?
Pat
Oh, you know. You know. Come on. Sometimes it’s [casual sex] okay with girls like this, they wanna have fun, and sometimes it’s not okay because they got a broken wing, and they’re hurt, and they’re an easy target. And in this case, in this particular case, I think that wing is being fixed.
i already talked about the woman naked wife in the shower in the blow by blow and her name is Brea Bee and she’s this kind of ginger hot.
Regency Boies graced us, the screen and the film with her brief yet remarkable presence as “Regina”.
Also making the film a better place to be is Samantha Gelnaw, who played Jake’s Finacée.
For those of you more into quick passes than tight ends, there was Bradley Cooper in this.
Bradley Cooper rocking the sober in the Bar None
Drink: 2½ Shots
There was tons of drinking and drink references but it didn’t ply a serious role in the movie and that’s what 2½ shots tastes like.
Here’s the blow by blow:
PAT
Danny was in for assault because of crystal meth and alcohol.
DANNY
Bad combination.
—Pat explaining to his mother why Danny was with him in the mental hospital
BC (Bradley Cooper) brings wine bottle to dinner at Ronnie’s
Wine @ dinner
“LOL, we’re drinking expensive champagne and you sold out for a cheap ass Bud.”
Don’t drink too much, don’t hit anybody, you’ll be fine.
—Pat Sr. (Robert De Niro) giving his son advice before a football game
Beer @ tailgate [party]
JL swigs Bud after putting De Niro in his place
White alcohol on ice @ Xmas
Chris Whatsisname [Tucker] drinking Bud at formal dance recital
When JL is stressed she marches straight to the bar, pounds on it, and asks for a vodka. Then a guy offers her another one.
Champagne on the table at the dance contest
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
It’s not my fault everything is 2½ shots, talk to the movie. i went 2½ here because the soundtrack has some really cool songs (two White Stripes jams, and even some Zeppelin!) but not all of the songs are on the OST, so don’t buy it without checking it out closely first.
Some guy way cooler than me over at a real blog called Indiewire put together a complete list of all the songs in the movie, not just the ones on the soundtrack.
A cool song on both, which is not necessarily rock and roll, is “Girl from the North Country” by Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins, Norman Blake, W.S. Holland & Marshall Grant.
The Waiting Room at the Wig Salon
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Matthew Quick (novel “The Silver Linings Playbook”)
David O. Russell (screenplay)
The short bus just got shorter
Directed by: David O. Russell
Starring
Jennifer Lawrence – Tiffany
Jacki Weaver – Dolores
Julia Stiles – Veronica
Brea Bee – Nikki
Regency Boies – Regina
Samantha Gelnaw – Jake’s Fiancée
Bradley Cooper – Pat
Robert De Niro – Pat Sr.
Chris Tucker – Danny
Anupam Kher – Dr. Cliff Patel
John Ortiz – Ronnie
Bottom Line
Great date movie because it’s almost a great movie.
From the juiced-box (kinda…) and the soundtrack: Preparation for Attack – Alexandre Desplat & the London Symphony Orchestra
[Press 'Play' for Jazzical, jazz mixed with classical]
Ramblings: Mission Accomplished
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk on Irish coffees? They’re dark and sweet and bitter and you don’t realize how much of them you’ve drunk because they’re so smooth but the real problem is you’re drinking them in a bar, squeezed into a booth and the caffeine kicks in pretty damn quick and so your leg starts to bounce and you squirm in your seat and you really have to pee but you’re trapped between a passed out Marine who’s packing and a girl you have a crush on that you’d rather crawl on than over so the tension mounts and the pressure builds and you catch yourself having a super suspenseful time even if there’s not a lot of action. That’s what sitting through Zero Dark Thirty is like.
Jessica Chastain accidentally enters the Men’s Room
Kathryn Bigelow is cool and hot which is good because it means the movies she makes are exactly like that and Zero Dark Thirty is no exception. What’s not to like about a film that has action and hot actresses and not even a scentilla (it means ‘a little whiff’, and yes, it’s a word, can’t you see i just wrote it?) of romance. Making this more of a macho movie than both The Expendables combined.
Kathryn Bigelow makes good decisions (well, apart from marrying James Cameron) and this movie is full of the good decisions like telling the story of killing Been Lauden through a girl’s eyes. The other good decision was about the torture and you know me (and if you don’t, you don’t know the meaning of torture, kiddo), the closest i get to political is listening to Rage Against the Machine so i’m not going to the torture place in this blog (apart from my writing style). Alls i’m gonna say is that Bigelow made the right decision starting off the movie with authentic cell phone recordings left behind by 911 victims from the Twin Towers or the planes. That shot of reality will sober you right the fuck up and put the torture scenes in the right perspective.
“I’ll tell you whatever you want, just no more Nic Cage.”
Another good decision Big&Low made was not to go too intense with the torture. Maybe you wanna know if the torture scenes were too much and lemme tell you they were just enough. i’m a wimp when it comes to shit like torture and rape scenes in movies and the older i get the wimpier i become and i’m very fuckin’ older so if i think the torture wasn’t too traumatic, you probably won’t either.
Other than that, Zero Dark Thirty is a good drama and a good thriller and a good detective movie and a good espionage movie and a good action movie (especially the last 30 minutes) and when you have all those good movies mixed up in one, it can really suck sometimes but here it doesn’t because it’s good.
A quick game of ‘How Deep Can You Put Your Hands In Your Pockets’
So why only 3½ Shots? Because it’s all of those things that make it good that i just mentioned. Where The Hurt Locker took new ground and not just broke it but blew the shit out of it (if a little unevenly), Zero Dark Thirty stays within the parameters of the mission and gets the job done but without any of the shock and awe i was hoping for.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1½ Shots
For the first time, 1½ shots is actually a good thing. No i haven’t gone Bieber on you, i’m just saying that in an action film the only kind of nudity you want is nudity in action, like bare breasted females fighting topless or something and short of that, just give me pretty ladies and hold the romance, please. Which is what Bigelow gives us here.
In case you were worried i’m becoming too politically correct, here’s the notes i took:
JC [Jessica Chastain]‘s ass looks nice in tight slacks as she leaves the torture room
i don’t know if i knew Jessica Chastain (“Maya”) or not before this movie but what i do know is i love her hair. i’ve always had a thing for gingers (or ‘strawberry blondes’ as we called them at my end of the bush) and the other nice thing about Jessica is that she can act better than you, and this i know because she was nominated for an Academy Award and you weren’t.
The drapes DO match the…drapes.
Fun trivia: Jessica Chastain likes cleavage so much, even her chin has cleavage. Check out the picture i just posted. And then check out this.
Jessica Chastain Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Before i forget, there are solo shots of the actresses filling my drawers. Just scroll to the bottom of this post until you see the headline.
We were blessed with two actresses whose talent was matched only by their beauty. Unfortunately, their appearances on screen were like touching myself in the shower (over all too quick), but don’t worry, i’ll post some shots here so that you can make the moment last.
Starting with Lauren Shaw (“Lauren” in the movie) who is not just drop dead gorgeous and also and actress but is a stunt woman as well. How cool is that!? i’ll fucking tell you how cool it is, it’s way fucking cool.
Lauren Shaw Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Wrapping things up is the beautiful Jessica Collins (“Debbie”). The first time i fell in love with her was when she played the Miniature Killer in CSI, and then i got to fall in love with her again in her brief appearance here. i also want it to go on record that she has the cutest nose. If you ever find yourself wondering what kind of nose i like, it’s this kind.
Drink: 2 Shots
There were enough references to keep me busy scrawling shit in my little notebook throughout the movie which means about 2 shots.
Wine at dinner with brunette [Jennifer Ehle as 'Jessica'] & JC [Jessica Chastain]
We got lots of wine.
Good, bring me back a bottle.
–phone conversation between Maya & Jessica
Wine at pre-mole meeting
JC drinks something out of a clear plastic cup after her friend dies
Martinis @ a Kuwaiti bar
Bud for lunch with security guy @ Pakistani fast food
Beer on tap in a bar
Rock & Roll: 3 Shots
It’s like i was talking about in the intro section, there’s a lot of tension and suspense even if there’s not a lot of action. Until the last 30 minutes, which is a close to real time account of what it looked like when they wasted Ben.
“That man is playing Galaga. Thought we wouldn’t notice…but we did.”
Apart from the nice score that Alexandre Desplat made, the music in Zero Dark Thirty is rock and roll. Well, there’s only one other song and it’s not on the soundtrack and it’s the song they play to torture a guy with: Rorschach – Pavlov’s Dog
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: RZA – Ode to Django (The D is silent)
[Press 'Play' for "Two beers for two weary travelers"]
Ramblings:
Final Proof: 4½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in a video game? It gets so bad you don’t feel like you’re playing it but that you’re in it, deep in it, no longer a player but the real thing, absorbed and walking around someone else’s alternative reality. The violence is larger ‘n’ life is shorter and the blood is redder with the bad guys deader and there’s lots of action from beginning to end and if it won’t break at least you can bender. While you’re staggering through all the various levels releasing souls left and right and some of the levels may resemble each other but it’s still tons of fun with ultra violence so far gone it’s exciting and hilarious at the same time with the blaring music egging you on deeper into the story where each doorway opens onto a surprise more intense until you reach the Boss ending. Django Unchained is like that video game.
Horsing Around
i told myself i was gonna give this movie ½-shot less than i gave Inglourious Basterds, but Inglourious Basterds should’ve been a 5-shot movie and you can tell i wrote that review in my drinking days because i didn’t give it all it was due. So ½-shot less than the 5 i should of given Inglourious Basterds makes this an even 4½.
Why ½-shot less? Because Django Unchained is the second shot from the same bottle of Inglourious Basterds. In IB we had the holocaust, in DU we have slavery. In IB we had Brad Pitt, in DU we have Leonardo DiCaprio. In IB we have Bowie as an anachronism, in DU it’s pre-civil war rap. The good news is, if you liked Inglourious Basterds, you’re going to like Django Unchained–and i fucking loved Inglorious Basterds.
Beating a Dead Horse
The other little thing i didn’t feel so much was how the ending went long. It was like after closing time and you’re the bartender and that one lonely chick is babbling on and on and you’re too polite to walk out on her, but still you pay more attention to your watch than you do her. Tarantino could’ve ended this 10 minutes earlier’s all i’m sayin’.
Now for the easy part. What went right.
i like Tarantino a lot and i’ll tell you why it’s because he makes fun movies with talent. He’s Dostoevsky writing comics. Rodin with Silly Putty. A French chef preparing deep fried bacon. He takes tacky and makes it art, transforms kitsch into cool.
Suddenly, Jamie Foxx realized she was on her period.
But he had help here, and the help i’m talking about are the cast because the actors here acted the shit out of everything. Christoph Waltz as Django’s mentor Dr. King Schultz was good, no doubt about it, but Waltz’s good in everything and here he only got to act in one language, not like Inglourious Basterds where he got to rock in 3 languages. It was fun seeing Don Johnson again and he’s looking pretty good and acting the part but the real acting was done by Jamie Foxx who was Django and he was Django for real. To be Django he had to be proud yet cool when he was in the shit and Foxx played both sides of that double edged dagger to perfection.
But you know who was also just as good was Samuel L Jackson who played Stephen the head slave. i didn’t even recognize him at first and the way Stephen came to life as this sassy boss slave who knew exactly how far he could push it before going too far, yet so loyal to the system that trapped him was inspiring. i don’t remember if Jackson got nominated for an Oscar for this role, but he sure should’ve ahead of Waltz, in my blog.
Kentucky Fried Johnson
i’m not ignoring the women. Hell, you know me and if you don’t i’m the one who bought you that drink just before he threw up on your shoes that one time, i’m all about giving the women their credit. The only problem with that here is that there weren’t a whole lot of women in slave times. The ladies in this movie do the part justice, but don’t have very meaty characters to flesh out. A notable exception is Laura Cayouette who is Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, a proper southern lady. Cayoutte give us lots to smile about with her tongue in cheeky portrayal.
“I’m so gonna nail this babe!”
Tarantino has a gift and he’s giving it to us hard here, pushing it all the way home. He has a feeling for film that goes deeper than any other director and can reach places no one else can. You will laugh out loud, you will turn your head in disgust, you will lean on the edge of your seat and your eyes will be angry that they can’t look everywhere at the same time. Your muscles will clench your hands will sweat and you will hold your breath for two hours while your mad eyes burn from not blinking.
Some people are gonna wanna tell you this is too violent but that’s a load of horseshit because it’s true. This is Tarantino for fuck’s sake. Do people complain about the nudity in porn? The swearing in rap? The fat in Denny’s meat? Of course they do, but the fuckers that do need to be taken out back and shot because porn, Tarantino and Denny’s meat fulfill their higher purpose and answer the call with no hangups. “If you don’t like the shit, climb out of the outhouse,” my Grandpa used to say (or would’ve if he was as fucked up as me).
It’s Hammer Time!
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
The funny thing is, i was sure there were a couple nude scenes in Django Unchained, but then when i look back at my notes (during movies i take notes like a teenager in sex ed) i can’t find any reference to nudity. And i’m the kinda guy that would reference that. So i brought this down from 3 Shots to 2.
Sex Ed, Lesson 1: You have to take off your clothes first.
Here’s the only shit i wrote down about the sex in Django Unchained:
Underside of JF’s [Jamie Foxx's] balls as he hangs upside down.
Still, even if there’s a shortage of naked in Django, there’s no shortage of talent…or beauty.
My first piece of evidence is Kerry Washington, who plays Broomhilda just right.
Kerry Washington Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
As with most of the actresses i’ll exposé here, there’s some single shots of Kerry all the way down at the bottom if you scroll to the part where it says “Al K Hall’s Drawers”.
After that, there’s also Nichole Galicia, who is Sheba, Calvin Candie’s (Leonardo DiCaprio) bit of dark chocolate whose job is apparently to sit around the plantation, drink, and look like this.
Nichole Galicia Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Appearing as Candie’s sister, Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, is the lovely and gifted Laura Cayouette. Here’s some of her gifts.
Laura Cayouette Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
And don’t forget Amber Tamblyn as the Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter. And when she looks like this, how could you?
Amber Tamblyn Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Some of the actresses that were in Django Unchained far too briefly for my taste…
Zoë Bell, as “Tracker”, and how sad but cool was it that she wore a bandanna over her face the entire movie?
Zoë Bell in the Bar None
Louise Stratten was a Daughtrey Saloon Girl.
As was Shannon Hazlett, the other Daughtrey Saloon Girl.
Last but not at all least is the adorable Sharon Pierre-Louis who came as Little Jody.
For those of you more interested in Southern Beaus than Southern Belles, we have…
Leonardo DiCaprio…in the Bar None.
Leonardo Dicaprio in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Here’s Mr Beau Django himself, Jamie Foxx.
Jamie Foxx Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s some shots of him at the top of my drawers down below.
Drink: 3 Shots
Booze played a big role in Django Unchained even if it didn’t play that important of one, which is a perfect 3 shot recipe.
Good morning, Innkeeper! Two beers for two weary travelers.
–Dr. King Shultz escorting Django into a saloon [and also the start to the song at the top of this post]
Leo’s [Leonardo DiCaprio] lawyer orders sweet tea & bourbon at bar in house
Champagne on ice in glass ice bucket
Other Mandingo owner orders a tequila after his slave dies
A tall beer for the winning slave Mandingo
Polynesian Pearl, and do not spare the rum.
–DiCaprio [Calvin Candie]
Django Unchained Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Champagne and wine at lunch…
White wine at Candie’s dinner
To Eskimo Joe, or shall we call him the Black Hercules.
Brandy after dinner
Stephen (Samuel L Jackson) drinks brandy while explaining the situation
Rock & Roll: 4½ Shots
And i woulda gone a full 5 shots if the ending hadn’t dragged on a little.
Besides, how have you not stolen / bought / copied / torrented / use netted the soundtrack to Django Unchained yet? It’s not rock and roll but it’s almost better. Tarantino has an incredible ear for this kind of shit because the soundtrack goes everywhere from spaghetti Western guitar shit (Ennio Morricone) to 70′s shit (Jim Croce “I Got A Name” and Richie Havens “Freedom”, unfortunately not on the soundtrack album) to some kickass rap, like the song i put at the top and this one i’mma include right here.
Rick Ross (written by Jamie Foxx) – 100 Black Coffins
Add to this cool ass music the Tarantino action that redefines action the same way God redefined earth when he invented it, and you see why i gave this some bitch so much respect.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Quentin Tarantino
Directed by: Quentin Tarantino
Ah, to be with friends and shoot the breeze.
Starring
Kerry Washington – Broomhilda
Nichole Galicia – Sheba
Laura Cayouette – Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly
Amber Tamblyn – Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter
Zoë Bell – Tracker
Louise Stratten – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Shannon Hazlett – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Sharon Pierre-Louis – Little Jody
Jamie Foxx – Django
Christoph Waltz – Dr. King Schultz
Leonardo DiCaprio – Calvin Candie
Samuel L. Jackson – Stephen
Don Johnson – Big Daddy
Bottom Line
See it. This is that “Holy Shit” moment you been waiting on for awhile now.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Eddie Redmayne, Daniel Huttlestone & Students – Drink with Me
[Press 'Play' for "Let the wine of friendship never run dry..."]
Ramblings: Less Miserable
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in a French karaoke bar? Everyone is singing in English but something’s still not quite right and you don’t know if it’s you because of how fucked up you are or because of how fucked up everyone else is in the spotlight singing strange songs strangely, songs you’ve never heard of or heard before and you start to wonder if you haven’t stumbled into French gay hell. Even weirder are all the people in the bar who are really getting into it and you don’t know how you missed the ass they’re riding in on but you’re sure as hell not getting off at the same place they are. Still, it’s fun to watch everyone from a distance because they’re cute or drunk or funny but never all 3 together unfortunately. So you were kind of dreading going but it was distracting and more than once entertaining even if that was only from laughing at the show and the whack-jobs watching it. That’s kinda what Les Misérables was like.
The Villlager People
It’s not the film’s fault but i forgot this was a musical even if it technically isn’t but is an opera instead. Yes, this is far worse. Not just bad. Opera bad.
One of the many things i have never understood is the concept of Musicals. i’m especially curious to know what the first ever musical was. i want to know this so i can go back in time and kill the fucker who wrote it and thus perhaps save the universe from the monumental pain the opera fat ass that is Opera.
People walk around spontaneously combusting into song at the drop of a top hat? What kind of sick ass word is that? Tell you what, i see some some beach dancing in the streets, i’mma run his skippy ass down. If god wanted us to sing everything that crossed our minds, he would of made me deaf. Not just deaf. Opera deaf.
Jacques in a Box
So, what was good about this other than its ending? It was funny watching Russel Crowe sing, but no so much fun hearing it. Maybe my favorite part of the film was the French history in it, and that should tell you how much i didn’t like the singing. Oh, Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were cool and their songs sucked less than everyone else’s. That’s about it.
My absolute favorite part? Other than the special movie theater i went to that had first class airplane electronic recliner chairs with a tray and waiters that delivered to your seat (i shit you totally not), my favorite part was the 15 year old i was with telling me she liked it. i was so relieved that this automatically went to 3 shots for me. Plus, she may read this one day and i told her i liked it so i don’t want to be a liar.
My barber also does my tassles.
Speaking of underage…Isabelle Allen is only 10 so i’m going to card her cute little ID right here so that she doesn’t get mixed up with all the vulgarity to follow. She played Young Cosette but there was nothing amateur about her performance. If the crazy skilz she displayed here are any indication, her future will be as winning as her smile. And not just winning. Opera winning.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex:1 Shot
Anne Hathaway is so dirty
First off Anne Hathaway is beautiful and she’s in this movie and she worked hard for the Oscar nom nom. She went so far as to flash her brillo patch to raise up awarenesses under the Motion Picture Board and i know she keeps saying she feels terribly embarrassed about it but there’s no way a woman who was already smeared by the paps when she wore a see-through top [and if you've forgotten the glory of that precious moment, here's a Bar None Wallpaper to jog more than your memory] would forget to wear her underwear unless she was hoping for some big publicity or at least a gentle press.
Anyway, Hathaway did a good job playing Fantine in the movie and wants everyone to know it. Hell, don’t hide your light under a bushel, Anne. Like i won’t hide this.
Anne Hathaway Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be some single shots of her lurking in my drawers down below. Just scroll to the bottom and click on the “Continue reading” link.
Amanda Seyfried (Cosette) showed up in this movie too which is nice because it gives me an excuse to show you this.
Amanda Seyfried Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s some single shots of her as well, in my drawers down there.
Plus i really liked the final female lead Samantha Barks / Éponine because she is more normal beautiful than the famous beauties and i’m a fan of normal beauty. Here’s an example.
Samantha Barks Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i’ll have some more single shots of her in my drawers. Scroll down to see if Barks is worse than her bite.
Finally, Helena Bonham Carter, Her Lady of Ultimate Coolness did a great job in this movie as Madame Thénardier (to Sacha Baron Cohen’s Thénardier). i’ve already exposéd her a couple of times here and clicking on the cleavage will take you to that stack of photos.
The supremely talented Frances Ruffelle played “Whore 1″.
Not to be outdone, Charlotte Spencer plays “Whore 3″. Lots of whoring going on in this movie with lots of not nudity. Seems the writers didn’t really grasp the whole concept of whores.
For those of you more into Tenor 11 inches, there was Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier.
Sacha Baron Cohen in the Bar None
Sacha Baron Cohen Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Aaron Tveit as Enjolras.
And Eddie Redmayne as Marius.
Drink: 1 Shot
Could’ve been worse. Not that there was tons of drinking but i liked what there was, which was basically Sacha Baron Cohen and his inn and people getting drunk inn there.
Here’s the blow by blow:
Gave Valjean wine & bread at the church he stole from
Sacha Cohen wakes up with a keg, kisses it and tells it, “I love you.”
“Don’t let the wine go to your brain” lyric [from "Red and Black"]
A song called “Drink with Me” [included in the intro]
Rock & Roll: 0 shots
Seriously, did you know most of the songs here don’t even rhyme? How fucked up is that? Just because you use a stupid singing voice when you say shit doesn’t mean you’re singing.
Check this out and read the lyrics…
Before you say another word, Javert
Before you chain me up like a slave again
Listen to me! There is something I must do.
This woman leaves behind a suffering child.
There is none but me who can intercede,
In Mercy’s name, three days are all I need.
Then I’ll return, I pledge my word.
Do you believe that bullshit? Or, as i write in my latest song:
Do you believe that bullshit.
It’s so stupid.
All Washed Up
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Victor Hugo (novel)
Claude-Michel Schönberg & Alain Boublil (book)
Herbert Kretzmer (lyrics)
Alain Boublil & Jean-Marc Natel (original: French text)
James Fenton (additional text)
William Nicholson (screenplay)
Directed by: Tom Hooper
Starring
Anne Hathaway – Fantine
Amanda Seyfried – Cosette
Helena Bonham Carter – Madame Thénardier
Samantha Barks – Éponine
Isabelle Allen – Young Cosette
Frances Ruffelle – Whore 1
Charlotte Spencer – Whore 3
Hugh Jackman – Jean Valjean
Russell Crowe – Javert
Sacha Baron Cohen – Thénardier
Eddie Redmayne – Marius
Aaron Tveit – Enjolras
“Yes! I love this fence, too!”
Bottom Line
Apart from the singing parts, though, Les Misérables was OK. Take out the songs and you got yourself a so-so movie here.
There were some beautiful actresses in this movie and some of them were even cute but as far as the skin on the screen, this was more hard up than hard on. The sexiest scene? 2 shots of Gwyneth Paltrow in a sports bra. Once she was tied up on some kind of rack and the other time she was kicking ass and liking it but i can sure as shit tell you that she was fit as hell.
There was some alcohol on the screen, so i have to give it the symbolic half-shot for effort, but there is really the minimum here.
Two shots and both of them are for the action climax at the end and none of the rest.
Not a big surprise here, i know. What do you want, they parade the babes in their early 20′s in their bikinis for the whole fucking movie. Not just a lot of the fucking movie, the whole fucking movie. The actresses no doubt caught all kind of colds and shit during the filming but i don’t care what diseases they have because, like a Pokémon, i wanna to catch them all.
For the first time, 1½ shots is actually a good thing. No i haven’t gone Bieber on you, i’m just saying that in an action film the only kind of nudity you want is nudity in action, like bare breasted females fighting topless or something and short of that, just give me pretty ladies and hold the romance, please. Which is what Bigelow gives us here.
