My fellow alcoholics, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here, addressing members of the D-Generation (that’s ‘D’rinking-Generation for those of y’all new to Degeneration). Thanks for stopping by, nice to see all you D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) here.
A little update on my personal sitch before we get to the goodies and if you don’t give a shit about the personal sitch i’d just skip right ahead to the goodies if i was you. Really, i understand, no big deal. If you remember, my latest rule to control the drinking was to drink only outside the house, which means mostly business lunches, Open Bar Friday at the office and any art gallery events. Well, so far so good. The Fridays can be a bit of a challenge sometimes but i’ve stuck to my guns most of the time and haven’t gotten totally shit faced since i started the rule. Which explains why i haven’t been talking too much about my drinking lately. Nothing is more boring than a drinker who has his drinking under control for the moment, and i get that. Sorry babes. Hopefully i’ll fall off the wagon spectacularly really soon so i can provide you with some well deserved entertainment.
So to shake things up a little bit, here’s a Top 10 Lips for y’all. And by the way, if any mentioned celebrities are reading this, if you contact me in the comments below and pay for my drinks and any transportation required: i’m not kidding, i would love to party with you. Hell, Jim Morrison needed professional drinkers to hang with and watch out for him, you could do the same for me.
Plus, here’s a bonus round, Lily Allen singing an post-appropriate song from the juiced-box: Friday Night.
Anyways, my fellow alcoholics, i proudly present to you the
Let’s get the boring shit out of the way first. ‘Member how back in March i told y’all about Jani Lane? You didn’t know who he was, remember? And i told you he used to be the singer for Warrant and you were all like, “Oh yeah, I kinda ‘member” and i was all, “Yeah, well he just got busted for a 2nd DUI in 2 years”? Well, here’s the big mystery and i’ll let you drink free all night if you can solve it. Last news was, Lane got sentenced to 120 days hard time back in July and he was supposed to report to the jail on July 28, 2010. Then there’s a black hole of information because now he’s talking about fronting for the White Stripes and no one, not even TMZ or WIKI, can tell you if he went to the pokey or not.
What do you think? Maybe he’s in Witness Protection because he once did cocaine with Obama back in the “Hey” days of the eight-tays. Well anyways, Lane is the poster child for alcoholism. Check out the following picture and tell yourself, “Wow, if I can kick this drinking problem up a notch think of all the money I can save on shampoo and showers.”
WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF ALCOHOL ABUSE.
What do you do if you gotta fuck a lot of frogs? Fuck the most boring ones first because you’ll still be able to work it for the hot ones at the end. Which is kinda what i’m doing in today’s celebrity dregs, ’cause we got another “guy story”—yep, 2 in a row — before we move onto the hot. Or will i? Drink and see, patronizers, drink and see…
You know how you know you’ve hit bottom of the barrel? You got to a bar to pick fights with reality show almost-rans. And waste booze. Which makes Arturo Trejo-Perez the King Of Loser Assholes because he’s got some pretentious name and went to some club in West Hollywood and saw some dude who’d been kicked off Project Runway of all shows. So Pear-ass goes up to Rami Kashou (bless you) and starts hassling him. Kashou-Nut just wants to get his drink on so he tells the Asshole King “I’m nobody, just a waiter, leave me alone.” Nope, not good enough for “In the Land of the Hinds, The One-Brown-Eyed Man is King” who dumps his beer (AUUGHHH!!! Alcohol Abuse!) on Rami’s bald head and then T-P (see, even his initials are asshole related) smashes the beer bottle in Kashout’s face. What a douche. If you still care, click on the link at the heading but i got bored of this ages ago and i just wanna post Heidi Klum pictures because she’s in Project Runway.
Heidi Klum in the Bar None
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
There’s gonna be tons more single shots of her down in my drawers— just scroll all the way down.
A quick note about Gloria Stuart, an old woman who played the old woman in the movie Titanic. She hit 100 (years old, not miles per hour) back in July and just a couple days ago her heart didn’t go on anymore. i’d like to raise my drink and offer a toast to this classy lady who could run an obedience school for today’s young pups and bitches and train them what it means to age gracefully. Barmaids and Beerhounds, i give you Gloria Stuart.
In your decadent country of those United States, it’s apparently possible to become professional trailer trash. This is a job i could do well. Apparently not as well as some girl named Snooki who we’ve never heard of here in Yeaman because our definition of celebrity isn’t as wide as some of yours are. So this Snooki character got arrested for disorderly conduct after she did body shots in some bar (and with the size of that gut, i’m guessing her navel holds a double shot), fell off a bike, walked around with a beer bong and just got into all kinds of general mischief. Here’s some shots of her bust.
Tara Reid was super hot in some old episodes of Scrubs i saw a couple months ago. i was all looking forward to doing some research on her for this post when i saw that she got super trashed at this one party in St Tropez over the summer. The good news was, she’s a party animal. Who the hell knew other than not me? Damn, it was so easy to find pictures of her trashed, as you can see by the collage at the top of the post. Shit, here’s another collage of all the men, women and old freakin’ astronauts (Buzz Aldrin) she made out with in the South of France.
The bad news is, her boob job turned out as wonky as some other reality star who also got drunk. You’ll see later. Lesson here, ladies? Don’t touch the boobs! That’s my job. Plastic surgery will screw up your golden orbs and make you depressed enough to want to drink all the time.
This is what’s known as a musical interlude. Jamie Foxx got shitfaced in Santa Monica the other night, drinking Patron Tequila and livin’ the life i should be living. How did he get to be so hot, talented and successful? Blame it on the Alcohol.
From the juiced-box and a Jamie Foxx song: Blame It (on the Alcohol)
Back to the chick action. So this other chick, let’s call her Audrina Patridge (because that’s her name) was in London over the summer and got royally toasted. She got so toasted her eyes went as wonky as her fake boobs, and that’s some scary wonky right there.
Here’s another shot of her partying, but there’ll be more of her in my drawers.
Audrina Patridge and Lauren Conrad in the Bar None
You know what kind of girl i wanna party with? The kind that can make a party happen wherever she goes. Even if that place is as boring as the US Open. Ashlee Simpson, who is a singer i’ve never heard of here in Yeaman, bottled up her A-game and didn’t just go there, she went there and brought it and danced around with it and brought it all the way back home.
More drawer shots of her coming up, babes. Just look down.