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Ramblings: The King’s Peachy
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with English royalty—even one you’d bone? Sure, they’re nice enough as they sit there sipping the tea they spiked with Beefeater and they’re cooler than you thought because they get a little buzz on and tell a few jokes and say some shit you wouldn’t expect a Queen or a queen (hey, that’s the way they roll) to say and open up a little wider than you’d have thought possible as the gin starts diluting their blue blood, but they never truly cut loose as an English girl after three pints. Nobody laughs so hard beer comes out their nose and nobody gets so drunk they piss themselves and walk around in squishy shoes but instead, like at a British pub, the whole evening shuts down at around 11pm. You’ll be entertained for sure, but if you want a movie that’s not as flat and tepid as English beer, The King’s Speech is a royal disappointment.
Miss Demeanor Says This Looks Like Our Apartment
i liked The King’s Speech and if you don’t believe me all you have to do is look up there and check out the 3½ shots i gave this bad boy. This movie was as traditional and respectable and pleasant as teatime, and if that’s what you’re looking for then go and see this and god bless you and all who sail on you. But if you’re looking for something with more kick than warm milk, you may find yourself less high than dry here.
Still, i had a couple favorite parts and they were this one scene where the ponce and future King (Colin Firth) learned he could overcome his stammer by swearing. The other really cool thing was his wife’s (Helena Bonham Carter) desperate hope that things would be OK for him. That was pretty touching.
I G-g-g-got Your B-b-b-back
The rest of the movie was interesting in a historical way because there was a lot of shit that happened in England before that i really didn’t care a lot about and this movie showed me why not. Plus it got nominated for a buttload of Oscars so it must’ve been a good movie.
Speaking of Oscars, i wanna raise a glass to Colin Firth and foremothe because he got so drunk after winning a BAFTA (the British rip off of the Oscars) that he left his statue in the bar. If that’s what he does when he wins, i’m hoping if he loses he’ll come into the Bar None to drown his sorrows.
Guess what, we got us some vestibule virgins… i’m carding Freya Wilson and Romona Marquez. Freya played the young Princess Elizabeth, Romona was Princess Margaret and, at 11 and 10 years old very respectively, these talented young ladies aren’t allowed any further into the Bar None.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 0 Shots
Yeah, this movie was as sexy as pre-war England. Or post-war England. Or England any time, if you want to know the truth. Seriously, when someone asks you to rank sexy places, the United Kingdom is at the top only of Tom Cruise’s or Richard Gere’s To Do list and that’s just because it’s home to Freddy Mercury, Elton John and George Michaels.
Of course, there’s Helena Bonham Carter but she can’t carry the sexy for the movie all alone, especially with all the clothes they made her wear. Sure, it was nice seeing her in a more traditional than Harry Potter and the Burton stuff, it just would’ve been nicer to see her more traditionally naked.
Here’s more action than you’ll see from her in the movie.
There’s a couple spare shots of her hanging out in my drawers. Keep scrolling down ’til you see them.
For those of you less into tongues than twisters, i got Colin Firth.
Drink: 1 Shot
Not a whole hell of a lot of that going on here either but at least it was more than the sex.
Here’s the breakdown:
They drink whiskey from a decanter
Expensive champagne and buckets of booze at King Edward’s Scottish party
Beer in pubs during The Speech
The King's Speech in the Bar None
Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush): My father was a brewer, at least there was free beer.
Lionel: I’ll just put on some hot milk.
Prince Albert / King George VI (Colin Firth): I’d kill for something stronger.
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: David Seidler
Directed by: Tom Hooper
Helena Bonham Carter – Queen Elizabeth
Freya Wilson – Princess Elizabeth
Ramona Marquez – Princess Margaret
Colin Firth – King George VI
Geoffrey Rush – Lionel Logue
See it so you’ll have something to talk about when pseudo-intellectuals squat the stool next to yours.
Three weeks of dregs building up and i’m getting beer balls. It’s getting a little thick in The Bar None, let me tell you. Hanging out in the bottom of this barrel of fun, we got a Warrant warrant, a home wrecker who takes “I’m coming” literally, a guy too drunk for his DUI trial, a Flales Wanker, Canadian shots, a Canadian spread, vintage Lohan getting Ricci, “Twit-light” Pattinson lit up and oh so much more…
From the juiced-box and in honor of Jani “It’s My Name I’m Really A Guy” Lane’s appearance in the Celebrity Dregs, i give you: Warrant – Cherry Pie
Speaking of Multiple Car Accidents… Jason Botos, this 30-year-old in Nebraska, was driving while soberly challenged last September. Apparently his car jumped a curb and hit 5 cars (and here i am wondering what the hell the cars were doing on the sidewalk to begin with). Anyway, his sentencing was a couple weeks ago and he was soberly challenged again and who can blame him? For sure i’m gonna get me some liquid clemency before i go up in front of the judge. Botos’ dad drove him to the courthouse and had to find some cops to help him get Jason out of the car ’cause that’s how drunk the dude was. He was arrested in the parking lot ’cause he couldn’t walk to the pokey and clocked in at 0.43% on the BAC test—this week’s high. Some days you just don’t ever want to wake up sober again.
If your name is Slaughter, you pro’lly don’t want to drive drunk. And if you do, you probably don’t want to swerve back and forth between the lanes and cross the yellow line next to the median. On an interstate. While going 20 mph. Tommy W Slaughter did and, because he was hammered, he got nailed. Another tip no matter what your name is: it looks bad when, after the cops pull you over, you forget to put the car in park before you get out of the vehicle and it starts to roll away. All of this and more happened to Tommy W Slaughter (57) who was surprised to be stopped by Tennessee police—surprised because he thought he was in Virginia. When the officers asked him how much he’d had to drink, he said, “Too much. I’m drunk. Do what you gotta do.” So the police asked him to take a field sobriety test. “I”m drunk,” was all he said. A breath test? “I’m drunk.” What about a blood test? “I’m drunk.” Apparently the law finally believed him because they busted him for DUI and “violation of implied consent” (which is a charge i’m gonna start imposing on babes in the bar who reject me). Oh yeah, the corker? This was his tenth offense. Babe, if at first you don’t succeed, drink, drink again—while you wait for a cab.
BTW, ’cause i know you’re dying to know, the “Flales Wanker/Wales Flanker” thing is called a Spoonerism. Swear to god, look it up.
This Welsh rugby guy was also busted for driving slow on a “motorway slip road”. It’s hard enough driving on the wrong side of the road like they do over there, but to do it while drunk? And in a golf cart? On something called a “motorway slip road” when no one even knows what the hell that is? Madness, i tell you, sheer madness. The rugby guy got his license suspended for 15 months, was fined £1000 and was booted from the team. There’s only one kind of driving you should be doing with a golf cart, and it involves your wood and your balls.
Speaking of driving and wood and balls, this guy in Lewiston, Idaho was driving when he decided to go all the way with the car…and the passenger. They were “participating in sexual activity” while he drove and i’m betting it involved trying to start his engine because when i drink it always takes my motor a few extra minutes to warm up. Regardless, all this was going on when he got off—the road. And crashed into a house, causing $50,000 damage to some couple’s kitchen. Man, talk about home wreckers…
After Tommy Slaughter, now we got a babe with a roller derby name… Betty Burden. i’m pretty sure she was named after a Rolling Stone’s hit off of Some Girls. Whatever, Betty (54) got caught driving drunk on the job (her coworkers turned her in). Only problem is, Betty’s job is driving a school bus and when the Transportation Coordinator got on at her first stop, she was transporting a full load of elementary school kids. He didn’t smell booze on her breath but followed behind her with the cops, who eventually did pull her over, after she’d dropped off 50 of her charges. She blew 0.230% at the scene and 0.226% back at the station (click here for the BAC explained). She admitted to pounding a few screwdrivers and so was screwed: suspended without pay and arrested for DUI on a $10,000 bond.
‘Member Julie Laack from the Stripper Dregs i posted back in mid January? Well, her story was better than Irving Howard’s. Perv-ing took off to the bar barefoot and when he got called on it, he took off all his clothes and ran into the Ladies’ Room, pro’lly ’cause he’s a pussy. When the cops called him out, he screamed and ran out fists clenched, only to get tased. Twice. This explains the look on his face and his naked self in the mug shot…
Forget that Denis Danny Roberge (19) got busted stealing a beer and that he now has to go back to the clink for 60 days because he’s a repeat repeat offender. The thing that freaked me out was the beer cost $3.37! Even if you consider it’s Canadian dollars, that’s still a lot in real money… Aren’t 40′s a buck twenty or something? He must’ve chosen the good stuff because he was shoplifting to celebrate being released from jail, after 8 months served for theft.
Apparently some kid named Barack Obama read my Booze Revooze of Invictus after he got his ass elected President of the United States of America [and instantly there are so many CIA/FBI/INTERPOL/and other initials i can't even spell cyber spies swarming onto this post that there's an IT vacuum created over all of China]. Anyway, he saw how Morgan Freeman (pretending to be Nelson Mandela) won a booze bet with the President (or whatever) of New Zealand. Obama bet a case of beer on the US/Canada Olympic Hockey Game and lost when the U.S. team choked in overtime. In a very presidential move, Obama paid his DUIOU by sending a case of Molsons and a case of Yuengling, the ‘Bama’s favorite brew. The Canadians, being Canadian, promised to put it in the Hockey Hall Of Fame in Toronto. No, i’m not kidding.
"Drink It? HELL No! This Is Good For The Museum!"
Here are some Canadian chicks who weren’t afraid to drink the ‘water’:
i’m back to lovin’ Lindsay again. Linds was in London at the beginning of the month and was a celebrity DJ in some club. But only for a minute. Seems she was so bad that it was embarrassing and, according to the party revealers, she constantly had a drink in her hand and was a “total drunken, incoherent mess.” Nice to have you back on the good side of The Bar None, babe.
In news so related it’s incestuous, Slohan showed up at the scene (a fashion week after-party in Paris) of another Crime Against Humanity. Before you pass judgement, check out the Crime Scene Photo-Collage:
Click On The Photo For Wallpaper
Why am i serving up drunken shots of Christina Ricci? OK, apart from the obvious reasons… Because Linds was there (see why she’s back in my good graces?), aids-ing and a-bedding like the best of accomplices. Here’s the proof:
So what do you think? Does Lohan feel guilty about Ricci’s loss of innocence? The jury may be out, but not nearly as much as Ricci Rich.
Speaking of her large assets, here’s a collage of Christina Ricci. There’ll be some individual shots hiding at the bottom, in my drawers.
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
One final thing about Ricci because i’m drunk enough i can’t let this pass… If you’re reading this it means you know me by know (and if you don’t know me now, you will never never never know me, oooh ooh ooh) which means you know i’m more a fan of AAAs than D’s and i’m not talking about batteries. Point being, while Ricci is not my type, i love the huge mole she’s got in her cleavage because it’s kinda like the Holy Grail: once you got your hands on it, your quest has ended. But then she had to go and ruin it all but TATTOOING her tit! Auugghh!
There is no madness equal to the insanity of tattooing or piercing a female breast. The Goddess, in her infinite wisdom, gave us humans the embodiment of the ideal, of heaven here on this earth in the form of the female breast and some infidels tamper with this breast-loved symbol, thinking they can improve on perfection. Yet in doing so, they debase it. They make it mundane. Sorry to wax so poetic on y’all, but talkig about hooters hits me where i live. Check it out and tell me i’m wrong.
Goes something like this. On May 18, 2009, ex-Warrant frontman goes on TV to talk about how he’s all clean and sober.
“It’s just a matter of deciding you’re done, in my opinion. I mean, that probably oversimplifies it, but really, really and truly you have to go, ‘You know what? I’m done with this. I don’t like feeling like this, I don’t like living like this.’ And it’s also nice to get the creativity back, which is impossible to flow when you’re unconscious.” [From Blabbermouth]
Then, on June 17, 2009, Jani got in a fender bender and turned out the boy was drunk, which got him arrested for DUI. Guess he did oversimplify after all. His trial was originally set for February 23, 2010 but Jani had other plans. He also stood up the judge on the makeup date, February 24th. Two no-shows for the showman who won’t show up meant a warrant for his arrest was issued at the beginning of the month.
Nicholas Brendon, who played “Geek Assistant #1″ (or something) in the TV series Buffy The Vampire Slayer, got his ass slayed on St Patrick’s. Someone called in a drunk guy causing much ruckus in Venice Beach and the Buffy Slayers showed up and, after Brendon took a swing at them and ran away, the cops tased Brendon, twice. i don’t know about vampires, but you slay me, bro.
Nicholas Brendon Mug Shot
The good news about this is that it gives me a good (enough) excuse to exposé Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Click On The Image For Wallpaper Size
Sarah Michelle Gellar in The Bar None
Like Christina Ricci, there’re more hot shots in my drawers, down below.