You know how you sit around your place thinking, “It could be worse, I could be Al”? Well, stop doing that for a sec and wonder on this for a spell: Who does Al say that about? Go ahead and stop fretting your pretty little heads about that already, though, ’cause these are some of the people i tell myself i could be worse than. Or whatever.
To kick off this mess, here’s a song straight from the juiced-box and dedicated to the not as straight Owen Wilson: Reverend Horton Heat – Baby, I’m Drunk
Seems Owen Wilson got one of his buddies pregnant and she dropped spawn January 14 this year. i’m betting he hung out with her and shot the shit and looked at his baby (and his watch) for a while. But you be knowin’ Owen and that boy is not a one-baby boy so just last week he was out drinking in a limo with a generous handful of other babes. Legal ones. And blonde. Back at his hotel. Must of rocked because went out and did it again the next night. Except turning the booze and the babes up a notch.
To be fair to Mr Wilson, i couldn’t find any evidence anywhere that Owen promised Jade Duell (28) anything more than a semen injection from his needle dick. So probably it’s cool if he’s out scoping babes rather than babies.
You gotta give him credit for trying to make an impression on my good side, but his recent shots missed the mark in a big way.
So Nick the Dick was celebrating the underwhelming 9th place opening weekend he had with his drunk Drive Angry movie which cost 50 million to make and so far has made only 1/5th of that which is so small there’s not even a key for it in WordPress. He got wasted in this poor restaurant and got in a fight and broke a window and the poh-poh shut him down by taking him back to his hotel for “his own insecurity”. Oops, i mean “his own security”.
You think that’s trippy, follow this link to a video of Cage-y drunk and obnoxious in Bucharest, Romania.
i’m gonna keep bragging about this even after you get fed up of hearing about it and stop coming here. Way back in December of 2009 (what!?), i made the link between Tiger Woods and booze and i used up all my good golf-drinking puns, and the other ones too, so you should be safe here.
Anyway, Tiger has a new girlfriend (emphasis on ‘girl’): 22-year-old Alyse Lahti Johnston, making her younger than some of the scotch he also pounds. Yep, she’d be the one splashed across the wallpaper gracing the entry to the Bar None up top.
But what is it that ties one on between her and the booze in the Woods? Five months ago she was busted for drunk driving in…if it’s not Tennessee where is it? You got it: Florida. It looked something like this kind of ugly.
And here’s a link you should super look into because Starcasm.net put a lot more work into this than i could ever be bothered to. My favorite part is the police report where the cop says, “I asked her on a scale of zero to ten with zero being sober and ten being impaired where she would rate herself? She replied ‘fuckin’ 10′.” That’s calling ‘em as you kinda can’t see ‘em. Oh, and what was the damage? Before Tiger she was blowing 0.210.
Draggin’ the Dregs this week, we got a Candy Stripper, a Wolfe giving mouth-to-mouth to an opossum, outpatient treatment in a pub, Drinking While Intoxicated, and a guy who called 911 after getting stuck in a karaoké bar. i also got Mischa slippin’, Lindsay head over heels, Avril scarred for life and oh so much more.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to My Dirty Little Secret: Avril Lavigne – Unwanted (live)
[Press 'Play' for the closest Avril comes to rock.]
[AlKHallism: This week is dedicated to Avril Lavigne on my Facebook page. Robert, Liam, Ingar and Alexander, my newest friends, are enjoying the show. Friend me to be as exiled as the rest of us.]
March 28: The Perils of Gwendolyn Where was Gwendolyn Lowery when i was 15? Here’s another reason i’m pissed off at my parents for not raising me in a trailer park (moonshine and jailbait smokers being a couple of others). This 27-year-old in Virginia set up her mobile home with a stripper pole in the middle of the living room and invited the neighborhood boys (aged 12 – 19) over for lap dances, strip shows and VIP (Very Insignificant Penis) specials. Even better than the fact she had other back street walkers working for her is that she also served up booze to the runts. And some people be sayin’ that trailer trash don’t got no education. March 27: Gettin’ Some Opossum Y’all remember Punxsutawney Phil from Groundhog Day? Well, in Pennsylvania this week, we get his cousin, Punxsutawney Opossum. Donald Wolfe (55) was spotted at 3pm (real drinkers start real early) on the side of the freeway trying to give mouth to mouth to a dead opossum. The critter was deader than dead, though, ’cause not even Wolfe’s super alcoholized breath could bring the beast back from the dark side. The Trooper, who arrested Wolfe for public drunkenness, said it looked as though Wolfe was trying to perform a séance on the departed varmint.
Stole The Picture From Monsterburg.com--Click On The Photo For The Link
March 22: I.V.odka Let’s stay in Pennsylvania, it’s pretty comfortable here. Elbert Lewis Thompson (20), passed out in the back of a cop car after his arrest for drugs and weapons charges—police suspect he OD’ed on drugs he took to get rid of the evidence. The police dropped him off at the hospital until he felt better. His recovery was quick, though, and as short-lived as an opossum on the freeway. The Pittsburgh Police received a call from a bar that one of the patrons was in a hospital robe and still attached to an I.V. bottle. Elbert, it seems, escaped from the hospital and went to the nearest public house. “Fill it up,” i imagine he told the bartender, handing him the I.V. bottle. Anyway, the cops showed up and Elbert took off and had to be tased, twice, despite still being attached to the IV. i love a guy with priorities. March 30: A Drink To Drunk Driving Bringing an opossum back from the dead isn’t the only thing you should not do when cops catch you drunk driving. Douglas Macarthur (40) gives us a step by wobbly step lesson in what else not to do.
Cops pulled him over for weaving between lanes.
He twice refused to give the cops his license
because it had been suspended.
When the cops approached the car, one of his passengers poured him a Stolis vodka
into a cup he got off the floor, and
he drank it right in front of the deputy.
Just before being arrested, he tried to crawl under the front of the deputy’s cruiser.
He tried to bite the arresting deputy
while yelling insults at him.
He later scored 0.408% on the BAC, this week’s “high”
March 21: Sleep-Thru i like this guy because this sounds like something i coulda done. Eric Spevack, this 26-year-old Floridian, partied hard on St Pat’s Day and, after getting the munchies, decided an Irish treat was in order so went to McDonald’s. The night manager found him at 2am, asleep in his running car, parked in front of the speaker. When the cops turned off his engine, he Eric woke up and the cops, being crack investigators, noted he had bloodshot eyes, slurred speech and a wristband from a local Irish pub. He was arrested for DUI and scored a 0.163% on the BAC. Even better, it gives me a good excuse to exposé sleeping drunk girls.
Click On The Pic For A Wallpaper
There are some more shots of the sleeping beauties in the Dregs Of My Drawers, at the bottom of this post.
i like Todd Fitzwater. This is a guy i wanna go drinking with. Todd? Babe? You out there? Next time you come to Yeman, drinks are on you because there’s no way i could afford our mutual bar tab. See, Todd was drinking in Lexington KY (like the jelly) in Todd’s Karaoke Bar on a Wednesday night. Trust me, everyone does this in Lexington. It’s like a law. He woke up on Thursday, still in the bar, and all alone. So he did what the rest of us would do: he started drinking again. At about 4:30pm he was still all alone in the bar and so called 911 because he was too drunk to leave. Seems the owner, Todd Johnson, stayed in the bar with the brother until 7:30am, then bailed figuring Todd F would be able to let himself out later. He didn’t figure on Fitzwater being so drunk that the cops had to tap continuously on the door to entice Fitz to open up to them.
Thaylin Shawn Pierce couldn’t find anything better to do than copy a cat, Jason Botos, from last week’s Dregs. Thaylin “I Drink Because I Have A Girl’s Name” Pierce (49) went to court to plead “no contest” to his 11th (here’s a guy who’s really into reruns) DUI. “No contest” is right, Thaylin takes the cake hands down. Like last week’s dude, Thaylin wasn’t as sober as the judge when he showed up for the trial to throw up on the mercy of the court. OK, not literally, but he scored 0.093% and, so he could plead his ass off sober, he was sent behind the bars for the night and not in front of one.
Yuriy Solovyev, 46, started out like we all do. He got in a fight with his wife so decided to tie one on. Then he went to a place i have yet to boldly go when he took out a gun and tried to shoot the dog three times. One of the bullets went wild and tore through a neighbor’s window (hurting no one, not even the dog), but the third struck home and 86′ed the mutt. So Yuriy did what we all would, he went out to the backyard to bury the bad boy. But, once again, he decided to follow his own path for when police (alerted by the neighbor with a holy window) arrived to bust Yuriy, the found him passed out. In the back yard. Next to the dead dog. And a shovel.
You know how you know you’re in trouble? When the cops are worried about you. The police officers charged with protecting Linds from the paparazzi smears say that her behavior is getting more and more erratic and considered bringing her in on a 5150. Other than being a (pretty lame) Van Halen album, it’s also cop talk for “Involuntary Psychiatric Hold”.
i like Mischa Barton. Sure, i don’t like the drug use parts but any 24-year-old who’s mentally unstable, likes to party and desperately needs help is just my kind of waif in distress. Only problem is, she’s my type from a distance but i know me and i’d get fed up of the drama by about the third drink. For example, Saturday night she heads into the Bar Marmont (another bar ruing the day i took “The Bar None” before they could get to it) and runs right out to water the rock garden with the contents of her stomach. Classy lady that she is, she headed back in to finish up the night. Maybe she’s my kinda girl after all.
Here are some other slips of hers:
Click On the Pic To Make It Grow
There are tons of other shots, down below in my drawers…
Before we get into it, here’s a Kesha song from the juiced-box: Kesha – Tik Tok
[Press 'Play' to "Wake up in the morning like P Diddy" or "brush [your] teeth with a bottle of Jack”.]
P Diddy is pushin’ something called Ciroc Vodka. Like a good little sell-out, he went on stage at some club in New York and spat, “If you’re not drinking Circo, you’re drinking pee pee.” (“Pee” is the Diddy word for what we grownups call “piss”.) You know who didn’t appreciate this other than me? Some guy named Martin Silver who’s like this gadjillionaire owner of Georgi Vodka. Here’s what some of that looks like:
Anyway, Silver got pissed off and promised to send an entire toilet bowl full of vodka to the rapper unless Diddy apologizes. No word on Diddy-Squat’s response. Hell, if he doesn’t want it, he can always send it to Yeman; i’ll drink that crap out of the bowl, but i may have to mix it with some of my juice first.
You see what i see (other than a skank who, at 29, is already washed up)? Look on the left side of the picture, beside her right knee. Just sayin’. And if you need more (200) proof that Woods has been scraping the bottom of the whiskey barrel when he’s got the good stuff right at home, here’s one more shot.
Michael Fassbender, the dude who played Lt. Archie Hicox in Inglorious Basterds, can’t hold my liquor, which is my own personal insult i just invented for assholes who do asshole-y things when drunk. Story goes that Ass-Bender went on a bad bender in July 2009 at some film festival, passed out and woke up in a puddle of his own pee pee, to quote Pee Diddy. This pissed him off so much that he dumped his then girlfriend, the beautiful Sunawin Andrews, over a chair and broke her nose. So she dumped him—period. Couple weeks ago she made it official by taking a restraining order out on the dumb Assbender. (Yeah, i can pretty much keep repeating that joke all day.)
A titbit for y’all. Jennifer Aniston told People Magazine, “I indulge when I want to.” [Just so's you know, this quote is completely out of context; before it she uses dirty words like "eat really well" and "work out".] My favorite part of the interview was this:
You’re not taking away my coffee or my dairy or my glass of wine because I’d be devastated. My advice: just stop eating shit every day.
i’m willing to stop eating shit, but she didn’t say anything about not drinking shit every day. She just rose a stool in The Bar None. And speaking of self-indulgence…
Avril Lavigne and her pet garden gnome—wait, there’s gotta be a picture of it around here somewhere—
—are still having problems getting divorced. The Happy Couple, and her stranged husband, partied it up one Sunday night at the Bar Marmont (yep, the same place Mischa Barfed out of—now i see why she puked, she musta got too long a look at the baby troll). They left the club pretty trashed and decided to get tats. Avril looked like the hangover hit early.
Man, she’s gonna have the same case of regrets she came down with on the morning after her wedding.
There are some extra shots of her hiding out in my drawers, down below.
The Bar None Dregs
First, i wanna thank Liam from Middle Earth (apparently), Robert (from Norway, which is a lot closer to Yeman than most of y’all will ever come), not to mention Alexander and Ingar who rode Robert’s coattails, for friending me on Facebook. If you want your name read by at least 1600 people a day, all you have to do is click the link and friend me. i’m a Facebook slut, i’ll take anybody. [AlKHallism: A special shout out to Pocket Full Of Shells and Ken, two regulars who i had to ignore so i can remain anonymous enough to be myself. Thanks for asking, loves.]
Speaking of 1,600 page reads a day, i thought i’d share my stats with you patronizers as i’ve passed 200,000 page reads this week. As you can see in the following screen shot, February was pretty damn sucky but business picked up again in March. Thanks to each of you guys for taking the time to stop by, be it for the exposés, the Booze Revooze, the Dregs, the juiced-box or, and especially, if it was just to watch me sling a few drinks and chew on your ear awhile. Thanks for patronizing me, babes.
In other news, i’m a Star Reviewer (no, really, swear to god) for a movie website called 7Tavern. i’m so official i even get a badge, which is the web version of a cereal box fan club membership card. Check it out:
A British think tank thought about the drunk tank and recommended that drunks admitted to the hospital to sleep off their bender should pay for their stay—not the National Health Service. Can you imagine? Paying for the hospital? $862: At this rate it’s almost like a hotel only without the sexy nurses and free drugs. My takes on this… Take 1 is that the government paying for hangover recovery sounds like a good health plan to me. Take 2 is that British drunks should have a buddy break their arm to get a free hospital stay.
This funeral home in Rome, Georgia had your BAC. If you’da died on New Year’s Eve. All you had to do was sign a contract with them that you planned to get drunk or do drugs and drive on New Year’s Eve and if you’d died, they would’ve pain for the embalming services, the casket, the vault, a grave, limousine services, facilities and staff for a chapel or church service and a bronze marker, as well as 100 engraved thank you cards. The funeral home (McGuire, Jennings, & Miller) say they did it as an awareness tool. No one took them up their offer.
The incredible tattooed man called 911 in Florida. What was the emergency? He needed a ride to Hennessy’s Bar. No, really needed a ride. He told the operator that he had bleeding ears, a broken nose, and that people were shooting around him. The cops showed up and he confessed to just wanting a lift. When he was arrested for placing a false call, he kicked one of the deputies in the knee as he was being put in the cruiser. In addition to the facial tats, the police report mentions the word “cannibalism” spelled out on his fingers; a dancing skeleton, a naked woman and a pumpkin head on his chest and stomach; a dragonfly, elephant and Batman symbol with breasts on his right arm; a snowman, naked pixies, a squirrel on a cross and a two-headed child on his left arm; and the word “doomed” on his back.
Like i could make this up. Two Cali dudes figured it out by themselves in a park one afternoon:
“We had just a whole bucket of beers, Coronas. I remember a couple dogs and no openers and we said, ‘I think that’s a good idea. We should try that! You call your dog over…you open it up, you put it back on (the dog’s collar) and that’s it. Why wouldn’t you want this? It’s basically the four-legged bottle opener for the party animal, I mean it’s perfect. what more could you ask for?”
Dumped straight from the annals of irony. This guy in Fargo (and you thought the movie exaggerated) doesn’t like to lock his door but prefers to place a stool with beer cans stacked on it next to the door. Yeah, that sounds easier. Daniel Gable stumbles into this guy’s apartment, knocks over the cans and wakes up the guy. The guy comes out in his underwear and starts fighting with Gable. They tumble into the hall and 911 is called. Turns out the cops think maybe Gable was just too drunk and got the wrong apartment.
Billie Joe (no big surprise there) Crawford was drinking in MacEnzi’s Bar until 10pm one Saturday night. He took off and came back half an hour later with a dark brown beanie [wtf!?] pulled over his face. He robbed the place for a handful of cash and was arrested hours later because the bartender know exactly who lurked beneath beanie boy’s beanie.
Deputies in Fort Meyers, Florida were working this traffic accident when a blonde, 35-year-old elementary school teacher goes barreling through the area and almost wipes a deputy. They pull Jennifer Lee De Roberto over and she reeks of alcohol. The best part is that when cops asked if she’d been drinking, she said “No” and then, with slurred speech, explained she was the designated driver and she was the only one in the car. Even better, she asked the deputy to get her phone from the car, which he did, and when he returned he caught her with her pants down, literally. She exposed herself to him and peed where she stood with onlookers doing what they do best. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. Seriously, i know exactly where she’s coming from (and where she’s going) because i’ve been there myself. Just sayin’.
Bobby McCray, a New Orleans’ Saint, was busted for DUI on December 29, 2009 and as soon as he got out, he went on Twitter and called the arresting officer “a short guy with a Napoleon complex” who busted him for “DWP: Driving With Pizza”. He’s since apologized and taken down the page.
Dale Earnhardt drives a car and owns a bar called the Whisky River in Charlotte, North Carolina. One helluva owner as well, ’cause he picked up the tab for every drink drunk between 8-9pm. The bartender says it was a hefty sum, but that didn’t stop Junior from also tipping generously. Now if he’d only open a bar in Yeman.
Louise Glover, one time Playboy Model of the Year, was busted in Essex, England for giving a friend a nose job with the help of a toilet seat. Totally normal, the victim “looked at her husband”. You think i’m kidding, try looking at Miss Demeanor in a bar and see what i do to you. If i can stand up. And make a fist. Or reach a toilet seat.
Apparently, Glover was in the bathroom—loo—of the Oceana Nightclub, where she works as a waitress, with her friend DJ Maxine Hardcastle. They threw down after Glover threw a drink down Hardcastle’s blouse for looking at Glover’s estranged husband. Glover then hit Hardcastle in the face, breaking her nose and causing Hardcastle to bang her head against a stall door. Then Glover grabbed Hardcastle by the hair and repeatedly slammed her face into a toilet seat before trying to drown her in the toilet. Glover’s hubbie came in and broke up the fight.
Am i alone in thinking if Jennifer De Roberto, the pissing school teacher, partied with Louise Glover and looked at Ms Glover’s husband, then she wouldn’t have had to look too far for a toilet?
Several firsts in this story. Well, ok, 2 firsts. First first Lindsay caught something other than an STD. Second first, she caught a break in court. Even if she couldn’t be bothered to attend the hearing, the judge believed Lindsay was keeping up with her DUI probation from forever ago, back when this blog was being ignored on Myspace and not WordPress. Yeah, that long. Anyway, the judge set a termination date for her alcohol education class: July 15, 2010. i don’t even see why she needs this class—if anyone knows about the booze, it’s Sindsay.
There are so many mistresses now it’s like a Bill Clinton Oral Room Reunion. i can’t even be bothered to keep track anymore so the very complete list behind the link in the title for this article is the best you’re gonna do. What i will do is serve shots of the girls i left out of my Tiger Woody post. i’m tellin’ y’all, when the sand settles you’re gonna see i was right about the alcohol-Wood conneXion.
First up, Joslyn James. She’s a porn actress, so the booze tie-in should be pretty clear. Also, at 39, she’s way younger than i am but looks Dogs years older. You gotta be drunk to hit this with your wood:
Our next contestant is a model with two names. Her real name (Loredana Ferilio) and her adult modelling name, Loredana Jolie. Guess whose shots i’m delivering:
The next contestant is a chick with a mystery occupation. Looking at this shot, i’m convinced that whatever it is, it’s booze related. i give you Theresa Rogers:
Finally, if you go back to my previous Tiger Woody post (i’ll link it again here ’cause i know how lazy you get), you’ll notice i singled out the Blue Martini, a bar where Wood hung out. ‘Member how i was talking about the alcohol-Wood conneXion? Well, Julie Postle was a cocktail waitress at the very same bar.
And you thought i was bad. i may be bad, but i’d never screech like the probably drunk babe on the video TMZ has. Ok, probably never screech like that. Again, anyway. And not at Rod Stewart. Maybe Kristen Stewart…
Mary Philips, Jessica Simpson’s makeup ‘artist’ (like painting someone’s face with rouge and lipstick and eye shadow and all that other crap is as artistic as that one painting of dogs playing poker), was arrested for public drunkenness. While i was trying to figure out how the cops could tell her apart from all the other people in West Hollywood, The Simp went to the pokey to bail her friend out. You’re gonna love this: The friend was still so drunk when The Simpson got there that they wouldn’t release her! i’ve got several calls in to party with Mary. Hopefully i’ll be able to hook up with her and Michelle Rodriguez. While i’m sitting here holding my breath, i might as well throw up some shots:
Come, come. Now! You knew i wouldn’t leave you without the pissed pups playing poker painting:
From the juiced-box and dedicated to Elin Nordegren, Tiger’s wife, who clawed his face before beating up his car.
[Press 'Play' to catch the fever]
i’m not interested in the circumstances that unfolded during or after Tigers’ tigress went on a safari armed with an iron and bagged the bronco he was riding.
In The Rough
i’m only mildly interested in the birdies Woods stroked with his wood.
What really interests me is the Driving Force behind Tiger Would: Booze.
Thanks to hundreds of seconds delving through in-depth research (on TMZ and D-Listed), i’ve learned a couple things:
1) Tiger Woods likes clubs—and not just the kind you golf with. He frequents a place called The Blue Martini: a drink i wouldn’t touch at prices i can’t afford. A waitress who was asked if Tiger had been drinking in the club the night of the accident would only say, “Alcohol was not factor.” This is bar bitch speak for, “He drank titty shots until he was unable to drive anything except his balls.”
The Blue Martini
2) He also spent a lot of time in a place called 23 (yet one more bar bummed i beat them to The Bar None). He spent so much time there they named a freakin’ room after him. Not surprising when he pro’lly paid for the place with his regular $1500 tabs.
Rachel Uchitel lists her occupation as “Party Hostess” and “Nightclub Manager”
Jaimee Grubbs is a cocktail waitress
Jamie Jungers is a Las Vegas cocktail waitress
Kalika Moquin is a Vegas nightclub promoter
The 5th is a cocktail waitress
Holly Sampson is a porn actress (you’ll have to draw your own conclusions between pornography and booze but you won’t need a lot of dots to do it)
Cori Rist is a Hooters waitress
8 & 9 Holes are a British Presenter and Perkins waitress, so Woods bogied them. Still, with 7 out of 9 directly related to drinking, Woods definitely ends up sub-par, no matter how many free shots he scored.
The one thing that all his mistresses have in common, however, is that they were all way uglier than his wife.
Here’s the proof:
Cori Rist, the Hooters waitress
i Hope This Gift Horse's Hooters Were As Big As Her Gums
Jaimee Grubbs, cocktail waitress
Kalika Moquin, Las Vegas nightclub promoter
Jamie Jungers, cocktail waitress
What's That In Her Right Hand? Ha! Told Ya!
Holly Sampson, Porn Actress
Rachel Uchitel, professional heiress, party hostess, club manager
i Don't Know About You But The Competition Is Getting Stiff