i’m an asshole for writing this post. Seriously, a big fucking asshole because i support these Sorority Girls and i think what went down with these ladies (no, it wasn’t me) totally reeks to high heaven.
Let’s get the Before and After pics out of the way first.
Let this be a warning to all you blossoming young things out there everywhere. The lighting sucks in police stations so you don’t want to go getting your ass arrested because the photo will look totally like you without make up. Can i got an “Oh my god!” from y’all?
These 5 young ladies, i’ma call them the 5 Mouths (because it sounds more like a cause that way and they’re from Monmouth in a state called Illinois which is apparently not even close to Tennessee or Florida and i may have just poked my finger right smack dab in the problem right there) were out getting their buzz on because one of the things Sorority Girls like to blow off is steam. (Yeah, i can pretty much keep this up all night. Fair Warning.)
They were cruising around in an SUV with a designated driver, i’m sure, because every last girl was 21 or over except for the driver, who was 18. Anyway, i love these girl, every last one of them, so i’m sure they had a designated driver when they came across a nativity scene in a public square. “What’s a nativity scene?” you’re asking me you heathen sums a bitches? It’s one of those Baby Jesus sleeping with sheep while three guys in dresses stand next to him and watch scenes. Here, maybe this’ll help.
There you go. Now the baby girls were feeling a little Christmas joy spreading through their netherland regions because they’d been drowning their sororities in a bar before and they decided to pull the prank so hard it came to them that they should steal some of the Holy Meal Figurines and lay them on the lawn of the University President.
Remember how i said before the problem was that this happened in Illinois and not Florida (or Tennessee)? Because that’s this part right here. Some witness squealed like a Nativity Pig bringing Little Baby Jesus the bacon and told the cops that 5 babes in an SUV kidnapped the Nativity Scene and don’t even tell me you already forgot what that was. Here, it looks like this, ‘member?
The police found the girls and the SUV behind a Taco Bell which proves what upright citizens they are because girls who drink booze and eat at Taco Bell are the kinda women you want around when you need them. i respect this so much i’m not even going to spend the next 10 minutes thinking of as many Sorority Girl / Fish Taco jokes as i can like some twisted Boggle game gone horribly wrong.
Then you know what the 18-year-old designated driver does? She goes, “Can we give them back?” i mean look at her up there in the mugshots. She’s the second from the left all red eyed from bawling and shit. Like, i know, right!?
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
You know me (and if you don’t i have a Bottom Bitch position available), normally i’m all about publishing the names of these waste cases who stumble their ways into the Bar None dregs. But this time, No! i’m making a fucking stand. As your FASe (Functional Alcoholic Slurperson), i’m saying these girls were having a fun time, drinking responsibly with a designated driver and they went off on an innocent joke that didn’t hurt anyone or damage anything. You wanna bust chicks for this? Hell no, which is why i’m going to let them keep their anonymity.
I don’t know if you remember or not, but on December 12, 2011, police officers of your department arrested five young ladies on the charge of misdemeanor theft after they were caught frolicking completely clothed late one evening. They simply liberated a Baby Jesus and other Nativity Statues and temporarily relocated them to another place. No harm, no foul, right? This is merely the outdoor equivalent of a tipsy pillow fight in the dorm rooms and I don’t need to tell you how prevalent those are in the sorority system.
Chief, I think you and I can both agree that these kind of shenanigans are par for the course for ladies of this age and they seemed to have been acting responsibly in choosing a designated driver and offering to replace the displaced goods. Can we not find it in our hearts to let them off with a warning this holiday season? A little generosity would be construed as a priceless gift of freedom and I have no doubt you would feel much better yourself after this selfless act of giving. Indeed, perhaps now is the most appropriate time of all to ask ourselves, “What would Jesus do?” If you’re like me, you know the answer is things like “Judge not lest ye be judged” or “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” if you roll more New Testament style.
Let’s stand united, Chief Zeigler, arm in arm, side by side and turn the other cheek together.
Regards,
Al K Hall
(Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson
You know what i think? i think y’all should write a letter of your own to get deep into the 5 Mouths cause. It doesn’t have to be long, just a couple lines saying that the powers that be in Illinois should go light on the 5. In case you missed it, the email address is: brad.zeigler@monmouthpolicedepartment.com
BTW, i’m not even kidding about this. i seriously cut and pasted the above note and emailed it. If any of you follow my lead, please post a copy of the text of your note in the Comments Page.
The Contests
Because Sorority Girls develop into women in Universities, i thought it would be appropriate to have a pop quiz. i’ll show you a picture and ask a question and you have to answer it without peeking. The answers are at the very bottom of this post, after the Continue Reading click and the Drawer Shots.
1.Which one of these Sorority Girls most regrets her arrest?
2. Which one of these Sorority Girls is the biggest slut?
3. Which one of these Sorority Girls is the biggest alcoholic?
4. Which one of these people would Al K Hall NOT sleep with?
Again, the answers are after the jump and after the drawer shots, so click if you want to see how well you did.
Because if i don’t bring up the dregs, no one will. Like here i got a guy who had all his orifices occupied while driving, a thief who could’t keep his pants on or his beer down, Shia pet exploding all over Marilyn Manson and a brief appearance by Jane Lynch before i give the floor show to Heather Morris only because i can.
From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Jane Lynch: The Cast of Glee – Tik Tok
Here’s a guy who wants to try everything once before he dies, plus he wants to try them all at once—and while driving. George E Howard (aka Paul E Chronic) was driving erratically while sucking a beer so the police pulled him over. When they approached the car, they saw a woman’s head resting on the happy place in his lap. The officers told old George E to get his ass and the rest of him out of the car and when he did his pants fell down to his knees. George admitted to simultaneously drinking, driving, fucking and doing everything any other 58-year-old could ever hope to do in a year, then proceeded to fail the dreaded field sobriety test while his girlfriend unsuccessfully attempted to hid the beer can under her dress. Yes, he got arrested, but is that all you learned from this?
Shia LeButt erupted at an event in a box called The Box in L.A. and i just know they’re bummin’ i thought of the name The Bar None first. Still Shia Pet got super drunk on pro’lly wine coolers and started spitting water he sipped from a bottle on his girlfriend’s leg and whenever i try shit like that i suddenly don’t have a girlfriend anymore. But LeBum gets a pass because he’s famous and girls’ll let you do whatever the fuck you want if your famous because famous people are better than you and me otherwise they wouldn’t be famous.
You know who was pissed off as well as ‘pissed’ on, though? Marilyn Manson. He was sitting at the table with his girlfriend and Shia spit on him and Marilyn was all, like, miffed. So Shia ran away and his girlfriend followed him because that’s what women do when you’re famous. Even if you look like this.
You know Jane Lynch from Glee? She’s the one who plays Sue Cunningham, the cheerleader coach. Which is probably a job she’d like in real life, what with her being a lesbian and all. Lesbian, as in “I’ll have the tuna for Lynch.” Or “All You Can Eat Lynch Special for Seniors”. Anyway, guess what else but i know you already know so just stop playing and sit back and enjoy the wit while it lasts.
Jane, at 51, has been dry for 30 years and even goes to AA, which i’m sure must be cool despite my going there for going on 8 months now. But, in order to sell a few extra copies of some book she’s peddling, she came clean about sipping NyQuil before bedtime, not really thinking about the alcohol content . The article doesn’t say if she stopped or not. Or how many extra books the publicity from the “shocking revelation” pushed.
The Bar None's Artist Hallucination
The good news is that Heather Morris, who plays “Brittany” (or something) on the show, looks shitloads better in a bikini than Jane so i’m going with her for the photos. Plus, Heather drinks. Here’s what that’s about.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Not only that, she may not be a lesbian, like Jane, but she plays one on TV.
And let’s not forget the huge scandal about Heather being the poster child for Domestic Violence.
There’s tons more shots of her filling my drawers. Just keep scrolling down til you find the happiness.
Bar None Dregs
You know how i’m not busy enough, right? In honor of that and the fact that i don’t have enough to beat myself up over not doing, i’ve decided to open another bar Blog. It must be real because it even has its own domain name. Check out alkhallanonymous.com for the softer side of sobriety.
Al K Hall-ic Anonymous is a place where i can share more of the personal shit going on with my recovery and not worry about sounding like a wuss.
Also, that annoying little Saint Pauly kid posted another one of those things that can’t be called a review. It’s on a Nick Cage wreck called Season of the Witch. Check it out, you don’t believe me.
Draggin’ the Dregs this week, we got a Candy Stripper, a Wolfe giving mouth-to-mouth to an opossum, outpatient treatment in a pub, Drinking While Intoxicated, and a guy who called 911 after getting stuck in a karaoké bar. i also got Mischa slippin’, Lindsay head over heels, Avril scarred for life and oh so much more.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to My Dirty Little Secret: Avril Lavigne – Unwanted (live)
[Press 'Play' for the closest Avril comes to rock.]
[AlKHallism: This week is dedicated to Avril Lavigne on my Facebook page. Robert, Liam, Ingar and Alexander, my newest friends, are enjoying the show. Friend me to be as exiled as the rest of us.]
March 28: The Perils of Gwendolyn Where was Gwendolyn Lowery when i was 15? Here’s another reason i’m pissed off at my parents for not raising me in a trailer park (moonshine and jailbait smokers being a couple of others). This 27-year-old in Virginia set up her mobile home with a stripper pole in the middle of the living room and invited the neighborhood boys (aged 12 – 19) over for lap dances, strip shows and VIP (Very Insignificant Penis) specials. Even better than the fact she had other back street walkers working for her is that she also served up booze to the runts. And some people be sayin’ that trailer trash don’t got no education. March 27: Gettin’ Some Opossum Y’all remember Punxsutawney Phil from Groundhog Day? Well, in Pennsylvania this week, we get his cousin, Punxsutawney Opossum. Donald Wolfe (55) was spotted at 3pm (real drinkers start real early) on the side of the freeway trying to give mouth to mouth to a dead opossum. The critter was deader than dead, though, ’cause not even Wolfe’s super alcoholized breath could bring the beast back from the dark side. The Trooper, who arrested Wolfe for public drunkenness, said it looked as though Wolfe was trying to perform a séance on the departed varmint.
Stole The Picture From Monsterburg.com--Click On The Photo For The Link
March 22: I.V.odka Let’s stay in Pennsylvania, it’s pretty comfortable here. Elbert Lewis Thompson (20), passed out in the back of a cop car after his arrest for drugs and weapons charges—police suspect he OD’ed on drugs he took to get rid of the evidence. The police dropped him off at the hospital until he felt better. His recovery was quick, though, and as short-lived as an opossum on the freeway. The Pittsburgh Police received a call from a bar that one of the patrons was in a hospital robe and still attached to an I.V. bottle. Elbert, it seems, escaped from the hospital and went to the nearest public house. “Fill it up,” i imagine he told the bartender, handing him the I.V. bottle. Anyway, the cops showed up and Elbert took off and had to be tased, twice, despite still being attached to the IV. i love a guy with priorities. March 30: A Drink To Drunk Driving Bringing an opossum back from the dead isn’t the only thing you should not do when cops catch you drunk driving. Douglas Macarthur (40) gives us a step by wobbly step lesson in what else not to do.
Cops pulled him over for weaving between lanes.
He twice refused to give the cops his license
because it had been suspended.
When the cops approached the car, one of his passengers poured him a Stolis vodka
into a cup he got off the floor, and
he drank it right in front of the deputy.
Just before being arrested, he tried to crawl under the front of the deputy’s cruiser.
He tried to bite the arresting deputy
while yelling insults at him.
He later scored 0.408% on the BAC, this week’s “high”
March 21: Sleep-Thru i like this guy because this sounds like something i coulda done. Eric Spevack, this 26-year-old Floridian, partied hard on St Pat’s Day and, after getting the munchies, decided an Irish treat was in order so went to McDonald’s. The night manager found him at 2am, asleep in his running car, parked in front of the speaker. When the cops turned off his engine, he Eric woke up and the cops, being crack investigators, noted he had bloodshot eyes, slurred speech and a wristband from a local Irish pub. He was arrested for DUI and scored a 0.163% on the BAC. Even better, it gives me a good excuse to exposé sleeping drunk girls.
Click On The Pic For A Wallpaper
There are some more shots of the sleeping beauties in the Dregs Of My Drawers, at the bottom of this post.
i like Todd Fitzwater. This is a guy i wanna go drinking with. Todd? Babe? You out there? Next time you come to Yeman, drinks are on you because there’s no way i could afford our mutual bar tab. See, Todd was drinking in Lexington KY (like the jelly) in Todd’s Karaoke Bar on a Wednesday night. Trust me, everyone does this in Lexington. It’s like a law. He woke up on Thursday, still in the bar, and all alone. So he did what the rest of us would do: he started drinking again. At about 4:30pm he was still all alone in the bar and so called 911 because he was too drunk to leave. Seems the owner, Todd Johnson, stayed in the bar with the brother until 7:30am, then bailed figuring Todd F would be able to let himself out later. He didn’t figure on Fitzwater being so drunk that the cops had to tap continuously on the door to entice Fitz to open up to them.
Thaylin Shawn Pierce couldn’t find anything better to do than copy a cat, Jason Botos, from last week’s Dregs. Thaylin “I Drink Because I Have A Girl’s Name” Pierce (49) went to court to plead “no contest” to his 11th (here’s a guy who’s really into reruns) DUI. “No contest” is right, Thaylin takes the cake hands down. Like last week’s dude, Thaylin wasn’t as sober as the judge when he showed up for the trial to throw up on the mercy of the court. OK, not literally, but he scored 0.093% and, so he could plead his ass off sober, he was sent behind the bars for the night and not in front of one.
Yuriy Solovyev, 46, started out like we all do. He got in a fight with his wife so decided to tie one on. Then he went to a place i have yet to boldly go when he took out a gun and tried to shoot the dog three times. One of the bullets went wild and tore through a neighbor’s window (hurting no one, not even the dog), but the third struck home and 86′ed the mutt. So Yuriy did what we all would, he went out to the backyard to bury the bad boy. But, once again, he decided to follow his own path for when police (alerted by the neighbor with a holy window) arrived to bust Yuriy, the found him passed out. In the back yard. Next to the dead dog. And a shovel.
Celebrity Dregs
March 23 & April 2: Lohan Is Head Over Heels For The Bar None
Lindsay is so psyched that i’ve welcomed her back here with open arms that she went out to celebrate, twice. The first time she fell all over herself to get to me was March 23:
You know how you know you’re in trouble? When the cops are worried about you. The police officers charged with protecting Linds from the paparazzi smears say that her behavior is getting more and more erratic and considered bringing her in on a 5150. Other than being a (pretty lame) Van Halen album, it’s also cop talk for “Involuntary Psychiatric Hold”.
i like Mischa Barton. Sure, i don’t like the drug use parts but any 24-year-old who’s mentally unstable, likes to party and desperately needs help is just my kind of waif in distress. Only problem is, she’s my type from a distance but i know me and i’d get fed up of the drama by about the third drink. For example, Saturday night she heads into the Bar Marmont (another bar ruing the day i took “The Bar None” before they could get to it) and runs right out to water the rock garden with the contents of her stomach. Classy lady that she is, she headed back in to finish up the night. Maybe she’s my kinda girl after all.
Here are some other slips of hers:
Click On the Pic To Make It Grow
There are tons of other shots, down below in my drawers…
Before we get into it, here’s a Kesha song from the juiced-box: Kesha – Tik Tok
[Press 'Play' to "Wake up in the morning like P Diddy" or "brush [your] teeth with a bottle of Jack”.]
P Diddy is pushin’ something called Ciroc Vodka. Like a good little sell-out, he went on stage at some club in New York and spat, “If you’re not drinking Circo, you’re drinking pee pee.” (“Pee” is the Diddy word for what we grownups call “piss”.) You know who didn’t appreciate this other than me? Some guy named Martin Silver who’s like this gadjillionaire owner of Georgi Vodka. Here’s what some of that looks like:
Anyway, Silver got pissed off and promised to send an entire toilet bowl full of vodka to the rapper unless Diddy apologizes. No word on Diddy-Squat’s response. Hell, if he doesn’t want it, he can always send it to Yeman; i’ll drink that crap out of the bowl, but i may have to mix it with some of my juice first.
‘Member how i told you about how Tiger Woods’ drive to drink is what got him in trouble in the first place? Well, a new mistress slid forward on the snail tail she calls her legs and guess what? She’s got an alcohol link just like all the others. Don’t believe me? i wouldn’t either if i were you, but here you go.
You see what i see (other than a skank who, at 29, is already washed up)? Look on the left side of the picture, beside her right knee. Just sayin’. And if you need more (200) proof that Woods has been scraping the bottom of the whiskey barrel when he’s got the good stuff right at home, here’s one more shot.
Michael Fassbender, the dude who played Lt. Archie Hicox in Inglorious Basterds, can’t hold my liquor, which is my own personal insult i just invented for assholes who do asshole-y things when drunk. Story goes that Ass-Bender went on a bad bender in July 2009 at some film festival, passed out and woke up in a puddle of his own pee pee, to quote Pee Diddy. This pissed him off so much that he dumped his then girlfriend, the beautiful Sunawin Andrews, over a chair and broke her nose. So she dumped him—period. Couple weeks ago she made it official by taking a restraining order out on the dumb Assbender. (Yeah, i can pretty much keep repeating that joke all day.)
A titbit for y’all. Jennifer Aniston told People Magazine, “I indulge when I want to.” [Just so's you know, this quote is completely out of context; before it she uses dirty words like "eat really well" and "work out".] My favorite part of the interview was this:
You’re not taking away my coffee or my dairy or my glass of wine because I’d be devastated. My advice: just stop eating shit every day.
i’m willing to stop eating shit, but she didn’t say anything about not drinking shit every day. She just rose a stool in The Bar None. And speaking of self-indulgence…
Avril Lavigne and her pet garden gnome—wait, there’s gotta be a picture of it around here somewhere—
—are still having problems getting divorced. The Happy Couple, and her stranged husband, partied it up one Sunday night at the Bar Marmont (yep, the same place Mischa Barfed out of—now i see why she puked, she musta got too long a look at the baby troll). They left the club pretty trashed and decided to get tats. Avril looked like the hangover hit early.
Man, she’s gonna have the same case of regrets she came down with on the morning after her wedding.
There are some extra shots of her hiding out in my drawers, down below.
The Bar None Dregs
First, i wanna thank Liam from Middle Earth (apparently), Robert (from Norway, which is a lot closer to Yeman than most of y’all will ever come), not to mention Alexander and Ingar who rode Robert’s coattails, for friending me on Facebook. If you want your name read by at least 1600 people a day, all you have to do is click the link and friend me. i’m a Facebook slut, i’ll take anybody. [AlKHallism: A special shout out to Pocket Full Of Shells and Ken, two regulars who i had to ignore so i can remain anonymous enough to be myself. Thanks for asking, loves.]
Speaking of 1,600 page reads a day, i thought i’d share my stats with you patronizers as i’ve passed 200,000 page reads this week. As you can see in the following screen shot, February was pretty damn sucky but business picked up again in March. Thanks to each of you guys for taking the time to stop by, be it for the exposés, the Booze Revooze, the Dregs, the juiced-box or, and especially, if it was just to watch me sling a few drinks and chew on your ear awhile. Thanks for patronizing me, babes.
In other news, i’m a Star Reviewer (no, really, swear to god) for a movie website called 7Tavern. i’m so official i even get a badge, which is the web version of a cereal box fan club membership card. Check it out:
