Tag Archives: Top 10 Lips

December 24, 2012

10 Drunk Xmas Gifts (A Top 10 Lips) [A Lazy Ass Repost]

By Al K Hall

Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.

“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.

And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.

What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?

1a. Toys for Boys

Hey, Don’t Blame His Taste, Blame Yours

1b. Toys for Chicks

Redneck Barbie

2. Toys for Neither

Bored Games

Not So Bored Games

3. For the Makers Marksmen

The Shot Gun

4. For the Festive Drinker

Reinbeer

5. For Those with a Green Tongue

The Booze Tree

6. Drunk Test #1

Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?

Drunk Test #2

When You’re Lap Is Wet, You’re Drunk

7. For the Impractical Joker

Father Pissmas

8. For the Fashion Unconscious

Does Not Come In Small

9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me

The Beer-ed: Real Subtle

The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)

Check Out Her Jugs

10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?

And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif

North Pole Dancer

About these ads

2 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, D.R.I.N.K.E.R., Drinking, Functional Alcoholics Slurperson (FASe), Humor, Top 10 Lips

October 28, 2012

10 Celebrity Halloween Costumes (A Top 10 Lips)

By Al K Hall

red-noir-lips bar none 10 celebrity halloween costumesTired of the question “What will you come as?” when you’re not sex role playing? Tired of being yourself and yet still don’t know what you want to be this year for Halloween? You’ve come to the right Bar None.

i’ve assembled a list of celebrity Halloween costumes to inspire you and, after some hemming (and hawing), i think i’ve got it all sewn up. Here, then, are ten Halloween costumes worn by actual celebrities that we can pattern ourselves after.

From the juiced-box and to get you in the mood, Marilyn Manson – This Is Halloween.

[Press 'Play' for Manson's cover of the Danny Elfman song from Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas]

1. Justin Bieber Going as “A Male”

Justin Bieber - Male Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Justin Bieber Dressed Up As A Boy

Ahh, Justin Cider, you’re still my favorite lesbian. Bielibe that.

2. Mitt Romney Going As “Presidential”

Mitt Romney - Presidential Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Mitt Romney Pretending To Be Someone Who Can

Don’t forget, you still have time to vote in the US Presidential Election. If you ware not an American citizen and would like to vote, i’m selling my vote to the highest bidder.

3. Kim Kardashian Going As “A Human”

Kim Kardashian - Human Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Kim Kardashian Almost Looking Like She Comes From This Planet

Nice twist on the “I’m going as an alien”, we have an extra terrestrial coming as one of us.

4. Lindsay Lohan Going As “A Camel’s Toe”

Lindsay Lohan - Camel's Toe Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Lindsay Lohan Gets Bestial

Lindsay as her (second) favorite part of a camel’s anatomy.

5. Lance Armstrong Going as “An Athlete”

Lance Armstrong - Athlete Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Lance Armstrong Wants us To Believe He’s Clean!

Drug addicts always pick costumes that reveal what they think they really are.

6. Honey Boo Boo Going As “A Child”

Honey Boo Boo - Infant Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Peter Dinky-lage’s Inamorata Pretends To Be A Grown Up

She even acts childish!

7. Rihanna Going As “An Intellectual”

Rihanna - Intellectual Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Rihanna Looking Like She Should Know Better

Only problem is, she can’t wear this costume if she goes with Chris Brown because no one would get she was smart.

8. Miley Cyrus Going As “Dafuq?”

Miley Cyrus - Dafuq Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Miley Cyrus Living The Meme

Why so Cyrus?

9 Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake Going As “Lovers”

Jessica Biel & Justin Timberlake - Lovers Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Prick Or Teats

i also could’ve put “Justin Timberlake – Straight”.

10. Amanda Bynes Going As “Air Bags”

Amanda Bynes - Air Bags Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Amanda Bynes on Shalloween

My personal favorite. Amanda went ironic this year in reference to both her drunken hit & runs.

Click Here For More Top 10 Lips

Comments Off   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, D.R.I.N.K.E.R., Drinking, Functional Alcoholics Slurperson (FASe), Humor, Top 10 Lips

May 13, 2012

Dregs of the Week: May Whatever, 2012

By Al K Hall

LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey) Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

To all you mothers out there… a special Dregs dedicated to those special women in our lives that make each day easier, better and sweeter–and our mothers, too. i’d also like to take this opportunity to come, come, come out in support of Obama’s pro-gay marriage stance. i think my position on the issue should be pretty clear from the above collage / wallpaper. You know who’s joining me? Mariah Carey was Lesbian for an evening as well. Read on!

Commoner Dregs

2012-05-13: Putting the ‘Mother’ Back in ‘Mother Fucker’

Rather than spew on and on about how much i love mothers, i thought it’d be a less fitting and more interesting tribute if i went through my a Top 10 Lips of…

10 Mothers In The Bar None

1. A good mother teaches her daughter a career

2. A smart mother teaches a career by example

3. A good mother keeps liquor out of her children’s reach

4. A proud mother takes frequent pictures of her children

5. A Fairly God Mother lives like Sleeping Beauty: Happily Ever After

6. A concerned mother provides air bags even on a bicycle

7. A protective mother looks out for her baby. And her dog. In the tub.

8. A thoughtful mother is always prepared

9. A loving mother stays by her child forever and ever. No matter what.

10. A good mother…yeah, i got nothing.

March 15, 2012: Going Native

XXXX, an Australian beer, has made the brave decision of coming out of the closet in erecting an ivory tower of support for US President Obama’s backing stance behind gay marriages. While not officially stating this, their latest promotional event makes it clear that the fourth X in their Triple X is NOT a chromosome.

Their idea is to send four mates out on an island alone, with no women. You can “banter with your mates” on this “ultimate destination for mates’ trips away”, and as for the rest, well: “The sunny sky’s the limit.“

Coors Was Behind Gays Before XXXX

Celebrity Dregs

Mariah Carey at the Abbey - West Hollywood

Mariah Carey at the Abbey – West Hollywood

May 10: Smells Fishy To Me

You’ve heard of LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation), but here’s LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey). Maria Carey celebrated gay marriage in her own way by going out (and in and out and in and out and in) to The Abbey in West Hollywood which everybody knows is a lesbian bar. Hairy Carey hung out until closing time and then went somewhere else to hang out. Let’s face it, she hangs out a lot, wherever she goes.

Mariah Carey Hanging Out

Mariah Carey Hanging Out

Bar None Dregs

Drunk & Demotivated: Stinking Rich

Just to let you know, Saint Pauly posted another not unfunny review at that site he keeps afloat. What can i say? He’s got a good sense of humor, which is a good thing because he needs one with the face he’s got.

Thanks for patronizing me, Barmaids and Beerhounds,

Al K Hall

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

7 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, Booze Nooze, D.R.I.N.K.E.R., Dregs of the Week, Drinking, Gossip, Humor

January 1, 2012

10 New Beers Resolutions (A Top 10 Lips)

By Al K Hall

image

Here it is, the beginning of another year and you’re starting it off wishing you could forget the few memories still hanging on from last night. i know, and how else could i know except i’ve been in the exact same places you are now. Well, not exactly the same because i don’t even know your sister so how could i be passed out on the cement floor of the bathroom in her unfinished basement where he husband insisted we sleep because our puke is bound to be heroically pungent after all the imitation crab legs we nuked on shiny paper plates with slabs of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”.

Even if i haven’t been there specifically, i’ve been there before and it’s not because i’m sober today that i don’t recall ringing in the new year with a bell that clanged too fucking loudly and sounded like a hangover.

As your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’m here to help by knocking one item off the to-do list scrawled on the back of the leaf you’re in too much pain to turn over at the moment. Here, then, are the

Ten Drinking Resolutions You’ve Made for 2012

1. I Resolve To Hold My Liquor Better

2. I Resolve To Sit Up Straight No Matter How Drunk i Am

3. I Resolve Not To Spill My Drink

4. I Resolve Not To Dance While Drunk

5. I Resolve Not To Play With Fire When Drinking

6. I Resolve Not To Get A Tattoo If i’m Drunk

7. I Resolve To Remember Cardboard Is Not A Costume

8. I Resolve Not To Go Native

9. I Resolve To Stop Sleeping Around

10. I Resolve To Pass Out In A Bed

BONUS ROUND: Click at your own risk and watch your step:

Continue reading

8 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, Alcohol Recovery, D.R.I.N.K.E.R., Drinking, Functional Alcoholics Slurperson (FASe), Humor, Top 10 Lips

December 18, 2011

10 Drunk Xmas Gifts (A Top 10 Lips)

By Al K Hall

Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.

“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.

And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.

What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?

1a. Toys for Boys

Hey, Don't Blame His Taste, Blame Yours

1b. Toys for Chicks

Redneck Barbie

2. Toys for Neither

Bored Games

Not So Bored Games

3. For the Makers Marksmen

The Shot Gun

4. For the Festive Drinker

Reinbeer

5. For Those with a Green Tongue

The Booze Tree

6. Drunk Test #1

Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?

Drunk Test #2

When You're Lap Is Wet, You're Drunk

7. For the Impractical Joker

Father Pissmas

8. For the Fashion Unconscious

Does Not Come In Small

9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me

The Beer-ed: Real Subtle

The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)

Check Out Her Jugs

10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?

And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif

North Pole Dancer

6 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, D.R.I.N.K.E.R., Drinking, Functional Alcoholics Slurperson (FASe), Humor, Top 10 Lips

March 13, 2011

10 Drinks i’m Gonna Miss

By Al K Hall

My fellow alcoholics, D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s and members of the D Generation (Drinking Generation),

‘Tis i, your Temporal (as i will have to relinquish my crown shortly) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here with another Top 10 Lips.

As you probably suspect, after the troubles earlier this year i’ve stopped drinking. While this decision is obviously something i need to go over in this blog, i’m still looking for an angle to address it in and still keep the trademark Al K Hall what-passes-for-humor tramp stamp that festers all through my posts like a tattoo from a dirty needle.

[For those of you who actually do care what's up with my recovery, i've been unloading in fits and starts in the Comment's Section of a friend's blog: Bats' The She Chronicles. The two posts where i upchuck the most are here and here. And Bats, babe? i'm so sorry for linking here without asking first. If too many of my dregs spill over onto your lovely flophouse, just let me know and i'll bar the way (no, the other kind of bar, the bad kind, no the other bad kind, the one that's a verb.]

Here then are those booze moments Al K Hall Free will long for the most because these are

10 Drinks i’m Gonna Miss

1. Free mini bottles of wine on the airplane

2. The first bottle of 3.2 on a 3-day bender

3. Vodka during sex

4. The glass of wine that loosens my tongue, tightens my speech, and greases my wheels at parties

5. Mojitos made in front of me by the barman while i’m sitting in a seat where Hemingway once sat

6. Frozen daiquiris by the pitcher drunk through a straw

7. The beer in the bar i cling to for ballast sitting across from the beautiful babe

8. Pastis on the beach on the first day of summer

9. Amaretto Sours on the deck of the sailboat sliding over the lake at sunset

10. Every drink ever tasted, wasted, nipped, sipped, lost or found, bought in a round, swilled then refilled, gotten free, tasted like pee, drank or sank even with the stank, forgotten, rotten, drunk straight down out on the town, slurped, burped, gulped fast or nursed to last, cold, bold, new, brewed, swallowed or spit ’cause it tasted like shit, consumed, resumed, hopped, dropped, toasted, roasted, put away, tossed back, knocked down and thrown back up again, absorbed, abhorred, dissipated, anticipated, partaken (stirred or shaken), quaffed, sloshed, drained like rain, tippled, rippled, lapped, sapped, sopped, rocked, swigged and sucked until it fucked me up and laid me down right on the viscous altar of a Friday night


[Click here for my other Top 10 Lips]

9 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Alcohol, D.R.I.N.K.E.R., Humor, Top 10 Lips

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