Christmas Pissed List 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

10 Christmas Gifts on a Drunk’s Pissed List (A Top Ten Lips)

Christmas Pissed List 01 (AlKHall Bar None)Bar Angels and Boozehounds, the time has come yet again to waste some of your hard earned beer money on other people who won’t be able to contain their disappointment when they open the presents you bought with cash you should’ve spent on cheap tequila and that one heavy chick who wears a bikini top to the bar even if it’s winter and you live in Duluth.

What’s even worse than this torture? Well, for me it’s going through this sober, but for you normal drunks? The worst part is trying to hide the disenchantment you feel when you open yet another bag of dress socks that only reminds you that you have to go back to the office after the festivities have ended in a gut wrenching hangover.

Fret no more, dear Patronizers, i’ve compiled a list here of shit you can ask for so that all you have to do is share this with loved ones so that you can be sure to get more than slapped this holiday season.

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Vodka 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

20 All-You-Can-Eat Vodkas

2014-11-20 Vodka dinnerAfter the resounding success of my Vodka for 9-year-olds, i figured what the fuck, there’s grown ups who like vodka too, right?

The problem is, our tastes have moved past candy, but does that mean we have to stop enjoying vodka at all hours of the day? Fuck no!

Below you’ll find a selection of flavored vodkas you can have for any meal…dessert included.

As an alcoholic in recovery, i haven’t tried any of these but i’ll probably go off the wagon when they invent Cara Delevingne’s panties vodka (distill my beating heart).

That said, i’d love to hear from you in the tip jar (comments) if you’ve ever been brave enough to sample one of these. Which one did you try and what did you think?

To get you in the mood, from the juiced box, i give you: The Whiskey Bards – Drinking Man’s Diet


Vodka 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

17 Vodkas You Will Eat Up

1. Breakfast Vodkas

Breakfast is the most important drink of the day. Most alcoholics recommend a hearty drink before braving the world outdoors. For those of you who want a big breakfast drunk, try

  • Maple bacon (WTF!?) vodka
  • Blueberry pancake vodka
  • Waffle vodka

Vodka 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Vodka 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

If you’re one of those who doesn’t like big breakfasts, not to worry. What about Fruit Loop vodka?

Vodka 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

You could even drink it out of a bowl

Still too much? How ’bout just a little bite on your way out the door.

Vodka 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Drunken Donuts

2. Lunch Vodkas

Busy at the office and looking for something to take the edge off? Try this blast from the past: PB&J vodka.

Vodka 05 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

No crusts and everything

Want to give that sammich a little kick?

Vodka 08 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

How to get pickled

Maybe you need something that’ll burn a little more going down.

Vodka 06 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Burns going both in and out

Not spicy enough? No problem, i got some Jalpeño vodka for you.

Vodka 07 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Burns both going down and coming up

To be sure you stay healthy, don’t forget to drink a little fruit. (Salty Watermelon? WTF!?)

Vodka 09 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)


3. Dinner vodkas

A three-course meal is the perfect way to finish off the day if you’re still standing.

Starting with the appetizer… Scorpion vodka

Vodka 10 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Careful, it’ll sting

Then there’s Salmon vodka for the main course…

Vodka 11 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)


For dessert, we got a choice.

  • Cake vodka
  • Pumpkin pie vodka
  • Cupcake vodka
Vodka 12 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Just Desserts

Wait, what, you want whipped cream with that?

Vodka 13 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Finally, something to wash it all down.

Vodka 14 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

How many shots?

Click Here For More Top 10 Lips

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Are you glad i didn’t post this as a slideshow and make you go through each bottle one at a time? You could always thank me by…uhm, i don’t know… sharing this.

What about you? Have you tried any of these? Leave a comment below and let us know what you thought.

2014-11-11 Vodka for Kids

10 Vodkas 9-Year-Olds Will Love (A Top 10 Lips)

2014-11-11 Vodka for KidsHow many times have people come up to me and said, “Al K Hall, my kids just aren’t taking to vodka as quickly as I did at their age. What can I do to get them on the bottle sooner?”

Ok, no one has ever come up to me and asked me that question, but if they did, here’s what i’d answer…

But before we get into that, i have a little song for you from the juiced-box, to get you in the mood. Korpiklaani – Vodka

Bar None Kiddie Vodka Wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)Bar None Kiddie Vodka Wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Bar None Kiddie Vodka Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

10 Vodkas Your Toddlers Will Eat Up

1. Peanut Butter & Jelly vodka

Kiddy Vodka 01PB&J Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

No crusts in here

2. Cookie Dough vodka

Kiddy Vodka 02 Cookie Dough Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

For when real raw cookie dough doesn’t make you sick enough

3. Chocolate Covered Pretzel vodka

Kiddy Vodka 03 Chocolate Pretzel Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Everyone’s go-to junk food, am i right?

4. S’mores vodka

Kiddy Vodka 04 S'more Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Good for getting drunk on right next to a roaring bonfire

5. Cotton Candy vodka

Kiddy Vodka 05 Cotton Candy Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Will stick to the toilet bowl, not your fingers

6. Bubble Gum vodka

Kiddy Vodka 06 Bubble Gum Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Now no one can burst your bubble

7. Red Liquorice vodka

Kiddy Vodka 07 Red Liquorice  Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)


8. Fluffed Marshmallow vodka

Kiddy Vodka 08 Marshmallow  Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

A new way to get toasted

9. Buttered Popcorn vodka

Kiddy Vodka 09 Buttered Popcorn  Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Quieter for the movies

And if you want extra butter

Autumn Butter vodka

Kiddy Vodka 09 Butter Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

666: The number of the eats

10. Root Beer Float vodka

Because you need something to drink to wash all of these down…

Kiddy Vodka 10 Root Beer Float Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Sink or Swim

Click Here For More Top 10 Lips

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04 Drunk Dip (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

10 Alternate Uses of Powdered Alcohol

(9 if you don’t include the one everyone already though of.) Palcohol, powered alcohol for the movers and martini shakers out there, is trying to get approval. Staying on top of things is what i do (until i get pushed off, anyway) and in keeping with that tradition, i’ve already thought of 10 alternate uses for powdered booze.

1. Snort it

01 Nose (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Smells Like Teen Spirits

2. Spice your Food with it

02 Spice (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Spice is the variety of life

3. Powder your Milk with it

03 Milk (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

I’ll have a double

4. Eat it like Candy

04 Drunk Dip (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Sugar Buzz

5. Bottle it as Sand Art

05 Sandy's Bar (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

It’s not tacky if it can get you drunk

6. Wear it as Body Glitter

06 What many users will be saying (AlKHall Dregs)

What many users will have in common

7. Make a Zen Garden with it

07 Zen Garden (AlKHall Dregs)

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional, booze is the difference.” – Brewda

8. Line your Glass with it

08 Beer Salt (AlKHall Dregs)

A Rim Shot

9. Use it as a Mixer

09 Mixer (AlKHall Dregs)

Double Hit: Mix instant whiskey with whiskey

10. Brush your Teeth with it

10 Toothpaste (AlKHall Dregs)

For Alcohol On Your Breath

Other Top 10 Lips

10 Drunk Xmas Gifts (A Top 10 Lips) [A Lazy Ass Repost]

Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.

“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.

And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.

What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?

1a. Toys for Boys

Hey, Don’t Blame His Taste, Blame Yours

1b. Toys for Chicks

Redneck Barbie

2. Toys for Neither

Bored Games

Not So Bored Games

3. For the Makers Marksmen

The Shot Gun

4. For the Festive Drinker


5. For Those with a Green Tongue

The Booze Tree

6. Drunk Test #1

Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?

Drunk Test #2

When You’re Lap Is Wet, You’re Drunk

7. For the Impractical Joker

Father Pissmas

8. For the Fashion Unconscious

Does Not Come In Small

9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me

The Beer-ed: Real Subtle

The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)

Check Out Her Jugs

10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?

And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif

North Pole Dancer

10 Celebrity Halloween Costumes (A Top 10 Lips)

red-noir-lips bar none 10 celebrity halloween costumesTired of the question “What will you come as?” when you’re not sex role playing? Tired of being yourself and yet still don’t know what you want to be this year for Halloween? You’ve come to the right Bar None.

i’ve assembled a list of celebrity Halloween costumes to inspire you and, after some hemming (and hawing), i think i’ve got it all sewn up. Here, then, are ten Halloween costumes worn by actual celebrities that we can pattern ourselves after.

From the juiced-box and to get you in the mood, Marilyn Manson – This Is Halloween.

[Press ‘Play’ for Manson’s cover of the Danny Elfman song from Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas]

1. Justin Bieber Going as “A Male”

Justin Bieber - Male Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Justin Bieber Dressed Up As A Boy

Ahh, Justin Cider, you’re still my favorite lesbian. Bielibe that.

2. Mitt Romney Going As “Presidential”

Mitt Romney - Presidential Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Mitt Romney Pretending To Be Someone Who Can

Don’t forget, you still have time to vote in the US Presidential Election. If you ware not an American citizen and would like to vote, i’m selling my vote to the highest bidder.

3. Kim Kardashian Going As “A Human”

Kim Kardashian - Human Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Kim Kardashian Almost Looking Like She Comes From This Planet

Nice twist on the “I’m going as an alien”, we have an extra terrestrial coming as one of us.

4. Lindsay Lohan Going As “A Camel’s Toe”

Lindsay Lohan - Camel's Toe Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Lindsay Lohan Gets Bestial

Lindsay as her (second) favorite part of a camel’s anatomy.

5. Lance Armstrong Going as “An Athlete”

Lance Armstrong - Athlete Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Lance Armstrong Wants us To Believe He’s Clean!

Drug addicts always pick costumes that reveal what they think they really are.

6. Honey Boo Boo Going As “A Child”

Honey Boo Boo - Infant Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Peter Dinky-lage’s Inamorata Pretends To Be A Grown Up

She even acts childish!

7. Rihanna Going As “An Intellectual”

Rihanna - Intellectual Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Rihanna Looking Like She Should Know Better

Only problem is, she can’t wear this costume if she goes with Chris Brown because no one would get she was smart.

8. Miley Cyrus Going As “Dafuq?”

Miley Cyrus - Dafuq Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Miley Cyrus Living The Meme

Why so Cyrus?

9 Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake Going As “Lovers”

Jessica Biel & Justin Timberlake - Lovers Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Prick Or Teats

i also could’ve put “Justin Timberlake – Straight”.

10. Amanda Bynes Going As “Air Bags”

Amanda Bynes - Air Bags Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Amanda Bynes on Shalloween

My personal favorite. Amanda went ironic this year in reference to both her drunken hit & runs.

Click Here For More Top 10 Lips

Dregs of the Week: May Whatever, 2012

LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey) Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

To all you mothers out there… a special Dregs dedicated to those special women in our lives that make each day easier, better and sweeter–and our mothers, too. i’d also like to take this opportunity to come, come, come out in support of Obama’s pro-gay marriage stance. i think my position on the issue should be pretty clear from the above collage / wallpaper. You know who’s joining me? Mariah Carey was Lesbian for an evening as well. Read on!

Commoner Dregs

2012-05-13: Putting the ‘Mother’ Back in ‘Mother Fucker’

Rather than spew on and on about how much i love mothers, i thought it’d be a less fitting and more interesting tribute if i went through my a Top 10 Lips of…

10 Mothers In The Bar None

1. A good mother teaches her daughter a career

2. A smart mother teaches a career by example

3. A good mother keeps liquor out of her children’s reach

4. A proud mother takes frequent pictures of her children

5. A Fairly God Mother lives like Sleeping Beauty: Happily Ever After

6. A concerned mother provides air bags even on a bicycle

7. A protective mother looks out for her baby. And her dog. In the tub.

8. A thoughtful mother is always prepared

9. A loving mother stays by her child forever and ever. No matter what.

10. A good mother…yeah, i got nothing.

March 15, 2012: Going Native

XXXX, an Australian beer, has made the brave decision of coming out of the closet in erecting an ivory tower of support for US President Obama’s backing stance behind gay marriages. While not officially stating this, their latest promotional event makes it clear that the fourth X in their Triple X is NOT a chromosome.

Their idea is to send four mates out on an island alone, with no women. You can “banter with your mates” on this “ultimate destination for mates’ trips away”, and as for the rest, well: “The sunny sky’s the limit.

Coors Was Behind Gays Before XXXX

Celebrity Dregs

Mariah Carey at the Abbey - West Hollywood

Mariah Carey at the Abbey – West Hollywood

May 10: Smells Fishy To Me

You’ve heard of LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation), but here’s LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey). Maria Carey celebrated gay marriage in her own way by going out (and in and out and in and out and in) to The Abbey in West Hollywood which everybody knows is a lesbian bar. Hairy Carey hung out until closing time and then went somewhere else to hang out. Let’s face it, she hangs out a lot, wherever she goes.

Mariah Carey Hanging Out

Mariah Carey Hanging Out

Bar None Dregs

Drunk & Demotivated: Stinking Rich

Just to let you know, Saint Pauly posted another not unfunny review at that site he keeps afloat. What can i say? He’s got a good sense of humor, which is a good thing because he needs one with the face he’s got.

Thanks for patronizing me, Barmaids and Beerhounds,

Al K Hall

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.