Bar-Win Awards 2013 Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
All last week i posted the best of the worst, those 6 people who make drinking look bad. Oh sure, we’ve all been stupid drunk before but not this fucking stupid. Not so stupid our genes need to be eliminated from the gene pool so we don’t pass the stupid on to future generations.
You know me, and if you don’t then pass the buck, i’m incapable of making anything, especially anything that even remotely smells like a decision, so ima pass the buck back to you and ask y’all to do the choosing for me.
i’m going to call it when we get to 20 votes or the BarWin Awards for 2014, whichever comes.
If you’re memory is shorter than my attention span, these are the 6 candidates for the 2013 BarWin Awards (the Darwin Awards for Drunks). Click on the Title for each Can-idate to read about them or just look at the pictures and vote away.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Four Horsemen – Back In Business Again
[Press 'Play' for some fuckers back for another round]
i got lucky again, if “lucky” means seeing this one day before it was released in the States. If it doesn’t mean that, then i got whatever the word for seeing it in Yeaman first is.
Here’s the shots off my cell phone as proof.
Ramblings: G.I. Joe: Retail Nation
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with a pizza delivery guy? He shows up on time and decides to come in and have a brew with you and he’s only just a kid but cool enough and after all he did bring the fucking pizza. Sure, all he did was bring what you ordered but how often have you ordered a pizza and they get the order wrong and it’s got pineapple or fish or some shit on it or they bring it way too late or sometimes they don’t even bring it at all? At least this guy really brings it. He brings the pizza and it’s not an awesome pizza, hell, it’s not even a great pizza and it’s not like they surprise you with extra ingredients or a hot delivery chick or free beer, you get just what you ordered and you ordered what you wanted so you end up getting what you wanted which is more than you can say for a lot of drunk pizza delivery guys. G.I. Joe: Retaliation is exactly like that pizza: simple fare but fare enough.
Cue Ball + Crystal Ball = 2 big balls
Yeah, i hesitated between 2½ and 3 shots but i decided to round up for a couple reasons. Like i didn’t expect much and i wasn’t disappointed, which actually doesn’t always happen. Like with The Expendables, i went expecting a basic action movie and i saw an ugly chick flick.
It’s simple, when i see an action movie i want rock and roll, special effects, and action. Lots of fucking action. G.I. Joe: Retaliation delivers all of that. Nothing more, but what they delivered is fulfilling enough that i left satisfied.
The story was easy to follow and didn’t need tons of talk to set it up. The costumes and sets were often kind of cool, the fight scenes weren’t boring and there were enough of them, the actors were above average for the genre, and the special effects didn’t look too fake.
Street Fighter flashback, anyone?
Some things were hard to swallow, of course. Like the code names these poor Joes are stuck with are downright embarrassing. i can’t imagine the shame of the G.I. Joe cotillion when people have to walk around with name tags that say, “Roadblock”, “Firefly” or “Storm Shadow”. A couple of WTF moments left a bad taste in my mouth (Welshman Jonathan Pryce as President of the United States? A country where the President can replace his entire staff with Nazis over night and everyone obeys with 100% commitment simly because he’s the President?) but this is a pizza movie so i’m not gonna bitch because i can’t have my cake and eat it, too.
An Welsh president? Only in America
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 shots
Yes, there was a slather (yes it’s a word, it’s spelled s-l-a-t-h-e-r) of Silken Butterflies and Elodie Yung is French so that’s another bonus point but the 2 shots here is all Adrianne Palicki (as “Lady Jaye”). While i was looking up pictures of her for this post, i saw her progress from this cute young woman who posed in provocative pics to launch (among other things) her career and then i saw she’s been in more doomed pilots than a gay World War II Flying Ace. Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Robinsons: Lost In Space…
“My 3rd eye mole is up here.”
That she’s beautiful is obvious but watching her on screen i saw a natural charm and a down to earth spark that lit me up. She was born in fucking Toleda, for chrissake. Is she the girl next door? Don’t fuckin’ know, but she can sure as shit act like it and she’s an actress, after all, so if she’s good enough to act like she is then i’m buying into the myth conception.
Starting with this.
Adrianne Palick Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s tons more single shots of her down in my drawers. Just keep scrolling down until you hit my pay dirty.
Plus like i already said, Elodie Yung was in this as Jinx and she’s so cute she could be French. Because she is. Plus she’s Elodie Yung, which she is too. This is what i mean.
Elodie Yung Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s more shots of her in my drawers with Adrianne down there. ↓
The text is done and so am i. It’s late and i’ve been power putting this together to get it ready for a same-day posting so i’ll shut up now and give you the photos of the ladies and nothing else. Continue reading
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Eddie Redmayne, Daniel Huttlestone & Students – Drink with Me
[Press 'Play' for "Let the wine of friendship never run dry..."]
Ramblings: Less Miserable
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in a French karaoke bar? Everyone is singing in English but something’s still not quite right and you don’t know if it’s you because of how fucked up you are or because of how fucked up everyone else is in the spotlight singing strange songs strangely, songs you’ve never heard of or heard before and you start to wonder if you haven’t stumbled into French gay hell. Even weirder are all the people in the bar who are really getting into it and you don’t know how you missed the ass they’re riding in on but you’re sure as hell not getting off at the same place they are. Still, it’s fun to watch everyone from a distance because they’re cute or drunk or funny but never all 3 together unfortunately. So you were kind of dreading going but it was distracting and more than once entertaining even if that was only from laughing at the show and the whack-jobs watching it. That’s kinda what Les Misérables was like.
The Villlager People
It’s not the film’s fault but i forgot this was a musical even if it technically isn’t but is an opera instead. Yes, this is far worse. Not just bad. Opera bad.
One of the many things i have never understood is the concept of Musicals. i’m especially curious to know what the first ever musical was. i want to know this so i can go back in time and kill the fucker who wrote it and thus perhaps save the universe from the monumental pain the opera fat ass that is Opera.
People walk around spontaneously combusting into song at the drop of a top hat? What kind of sick ass word is that? Tell you what, i see some some beach dancing in the streets, i’mma run his skippy ass down. If god wanted us to sing everything that crossed our minds, he would of made me deaf. Not just deaf. Opera deaf.
Jacques in a Box
So, what was good about this other than its ending? It was funny watching Russel Crowe sing, but no so much fun hearing it. Maybe my favorite part of the film was the French history in it, and that should tell you how much i didn’t like the singing. Oh, Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were cool and their songs sucked less than everyone else’s. That’s about it.
My absolute favorite part? Other than the special movie theater i went to that had first class airplane electronic recliner chairs with a tray and waiters that delivered to your seat (i shit you totally not), my favorite part was the 15 year old i was with telling me she liked it. i was so relieved that this automatically went to 3 shots for me. Plus, she may read this one day and i told her i liked it so i don’t want to be a liar.
My barber also does my tassles.
Speaking of underage…Isabelle Allen is only 10 so i’m going to card her cute little ID right here so that she doesn’t get mixed up with all the vulgarity to follow. She played Young Cosette but there was nothing amateur about her performance. If the crazy skilz she displayed here are any indication, her future will be as winning as her smile. And not just winning. Opera winning.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Anne Hathaway is so dirty
First off Anne Hathaway is beautiful and she’s in this movie and she worked hard for the Oscar nom nom. She went so far as to flash her brillo patch to raise up awarenesses under the Motion Picture Board and i know she keeps saying she feels terribly embarrassed about it but there’s no way a woman who was already smeared by the paps when she wore a see-through top [and if you've forgotten the glory of that precious moment, here's a Bar None Wallpaper to jog more than your memory] would forget to wear her underwear unless she was hoping for some big publicity or at least a gentle press.
Anyway, Hathaway did a good job playing Fantine in the movie and wants everyone to know it. Hell, don’t hide your light under a bushel, Anne. Like i won’t hide this.
Anne Hathaway Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be some single shots of her lurking in my drawers down below. Just scroll to the bottom and click on the “Continue reading” link.
Amanda Seyfried (Cosette) showed up in this movie too which is nice because it gives me an excuse to show you this.
Amanda Seyfried Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s some single shots of her as well, in my drawers down there.
Plus i really liked the final female lead Samantha Barks / Éponine because she is more normal beautiful than the famous beauties and i’m a fan of normal beauty. Here’s an example.
Samantha Barks Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i’ll have some more single shots of her in my drawers. Scroll down to see if Barks is worse than her bite.
Finally, Helena Bonham Carter, Her Lady of Ultimate Coolness did a great job in this movie as Madame Thénardier (to Sacha Baron Cohen’s Thénardier). i’ve already exposéd her a couple of times here and clicking on the cleavage will take you to that stack of photos.
The supremely talented Frances Ruffelle played “Whore 1″.
Not to be outdone, Charlotte Spencer plays “Whore 3″. Lots of whoring going on in this movie with lots of not nudity. Seems the writers didn’t really grasp the whole concept of whores.
For those of you more into Tenor 11 inches, there was Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier.
Sacha Baron Cohen in the Bar None
Sacha Baron Cohen Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Aaron Tveit as Enjolras.
And Eddie Redmayne as Marius.
Drink: 1 Shot
Could’ve been worse. Not that there was tons of drinking but i liked what there was, which was basically Sacha Baron Cohen and his inn and people getting drunk inn there.
Here’s the blow by blow:
Gave Valjean wine & bread at the church he stole from
Sacha Cohen wakes up with a keg, kisses it and tells it, “I love you.”
“Don’t let the wine go to your brain” lyric [from "Red and Black"]
A song called “Drink with Me” [included in the intro]
Rock & Roll: 0 shots
Seriously, did you know most of the songs here don’t even rhyme? How fucked up is that? Just because you use a stupid singing voice when you say shit doesn’t mean you’re singing.
Check this out and read the lyrics…
Before you say another word, Javert
Before you chain me up like a slave again
Listen to me! There is something I must do.
This woman leaves behind a suffering child.
There is none but me who can intercede,
In Mercy’s name, three days are all I need.
Then I’ll return, I pledge my word.
Do you believe that bullshit? Or, as i write in my latest song:
Do you believe that bullshit.
It’s so stupid.
All Washed Up
Boring Technical Crap
Victor Hugo (novel)
Claude-Michel Schönberg & Alain Boublil (book)
Herbert Kretzmer (lyrics)
Alain Boublil & Jean-Marc Natel (original: French text)
James Fenton (additional text)
William Nicholson (screenplay)
Directed by: Tom Hooper
Anne Hathaway – Fantine
Amanda Seyfried – Cosette
Helena Bonham Carter – Madame Thénardier
Samantha Barks – Éponine
Isabelle Allen – Young Cosette
Frances Ruffelle – Whore 1
Charlotte Spencer – Whore 3
Hugh Jackman – Jean Valjean
Russell Crowe – Javert
Sacha Baron Cohen – Thénardier
Eddie Redmayne – Marius
Aaron Tveit – Enjolras
“Yes! I love this fence, too!”
Apart from the singing parts, though, Les Misérables was OK. Take out the songs and you got yourself a so-so movie here.
Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
The New Year has come even if you haven’t (but hey, the couple that fakes it together, makes it together) and brings with it a whole barrel bottom-ful of Dregs. Like we got a girl shooting off her brother’s mouth, God not damning, the Chris Brown wreck, Lay-Lo laying low, and Sofia Veraga’s New Year’s boobs.
From the juiced-box: The Pretty Reckless – Kill Me
[Press 'Play' for what you listen to when you care enough to kill the very best]
You know me (and if you don’t, watch more Jerry Springer), i like to make fun as much as the next guy especially if the next guy is super funny. But i have to draw a line somewhere so i’m drawing one right here.
See, on New Year’s Eve in Phoenix, AZ a drunk 19 year old girl killed her brother while they posed for Facebook profile pics. The parties in questioning were drinking with buds when someone pulled out a gun and as the siblings messed around, the girl accidentally fired a bullet into her brother’s head.
i know you like the back of my daddy’s hand, Barmaids and Beerhounds, and i know you’re gonna wanna make all kinds of jokes about this. Like you’re gonna be tempted to shoot your mouth off and say shit like, “Looks like they were doing shots” or “Talk about a photo shoot” or “Maybe he wanted a head shot .” Well, i’m here to tell you that shit don’t fly, you sick mother drunkard. What do you have going on in you brain to even think of bad puns like that?
God may not be your copilot, but he sure as hell is Tyler Alred’s. This 17-year old shithead was drunk driving (0.07 %, just under the legal limit), hit a tree and killed his 16-year old passenger. Dead. He even pleaded guilty to manboyslaughter.
You know who else is a shithead? The judge. He sentenced All-red to 10 years…in church. Swear to god. The judge passed on a suspended sentence of 10 years during which Tyler has to attend church service on Sunday.
The kicker? The sentence may not be too effective because Alred already goes to church every fucking Sunday. God damn it all to hell.
Lindsay Lohan was photographed at a restaurant celebrating her sister Ali’s 19th birthday (Ali’s the one in the back left looking like Elizabeth Bennet out of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies), but it’s hard to tell because everyone in that family looks like the clan’s Gran, including the men.
The scandal that erupted like the zit on the nose of a Disney teen drinking and driving Herbie The Love Drunk had to do with the fact that it’s illegal for Lay-Lo to drink alcohol, and this law is brought to you by the same universe that says it’s OK to sentence a drunk driver to church.
Like every good alkie, however, Lindsay blamed her grandmother because you would too if you could get away with it and you would because what kind of lawyer would attack a grannie? To add salt to the wounds, Lay Lindsay Lay claimed that the drink is an alcohol free margarita, making it the only thing even close to virgin at the table. Plus, i’m pretty sure that’s not salt on the rim. Maybe the Coke isn’t in the glass, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.
Here’s a little tribute to the lovely bonds of sisterhood.
Lindsay & Ali Lohan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You guys pro’lly don’t care about what a sensitive soul i am, but this one picture right here is very heartistic and causes me a sadness i wouldn’t know where to explain.
Sofia Vergara and Nick “Rock” Loeb-ster in the Bar None
Sofia Veraga has two very big boobs: her fiancé and her ex. On New Year’s Eve they all decided to party together which is the greatest idea ever since Rihanna decided to go back to Chris Brown. All this went down in Florida which, if you’ve read these dregs more than once you already know is where insanity goes to die and comes back to life so it can gnaw on the brains of the few people there that have any left.
The trio were partying in the VIP section of a club called Miami’s Story when Sofia So-Good and her fiancé Nick Loeb had words to go with their drinks (words like “asshole”, “fuckface”, and “stretchy head”, i bet). People at a nearby table stuck their noses into Loeb’s business and then his fist and in the following fight some people got beat up but, even better, some good soul was kind enough to pull down Sofia’s top for us.
Sorry about the censorship in the above shot but i can’t find an unadultery shot anywhere on the net. The closest i could find was this slip showing.
Sofaia Vergara will bend over backwards for you
i got more of this hot steamy mess down in my drawers…
Call me Basking Robbins ’cause i’m about to give y’all a scoop. Chris Brown, the guy you know you hate, was in a city called Paris (hint: doesn’t end with “Hilton”) in a land called France (the country Germany practices its global dominations on) and learned a very simple lesson in mathematsick.
Seems Brownie rented a Lamborghini Aventador (shot 1), did a show and hit an after-party (shot 2), left the bar at 4 am and banged into some other dude’s car (shot 3). As i’m the only one talking about this (in English), i’m calling it a win for Team None. But, if i get wacked mysteriously or suddenly disappear without a face, start looking here at the French Connection.
Here’s a Bar None Artist’s misconception.
Bar None Artist’s Misconception of Chris Brown’s Accident
i gots more shots of Chris and Rihanna drinking in my drawers, just at the bottom there.
Bar None Dregs
For Christmas, i promised that Saint Pauly kid i’d post this picture off his WTF (Watch the Film) blog. What do you think? Is is as funny as he says it is?
Here comes the part where i wish you a Happy New Year. That’s done. Was it good for you?
i stole this from a website called Guapola because that’s the kinda shit i do.
Masochists will want to to go to All About Al K Hall for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Ferrari Girl Collage at the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
It’s that time of year where i write about September dregs in December. i’ll talk about things like Facebooked Teens, Red Bullshit, wrecked Ferraris, wrecked Ferrari drivers, Yo Ho Hoes, Jessica Alba’s Golden Globes, and oh oh oh so much more.
From the Juiced Box and dedicated to Vorayuth Yoovidhya and Bobby Brown: Stevie Wonder – Don’t Drive Drunk
[Press 'Play' to hear some kind of Wonder. Stevie never drove drunk, neither should you.]
What kind of mind do teens have? Teeny. But don’t take my words for it, get it straight from the asses’ mouth. Or Timeline, if that’s how you roll because these pocket scientists broke into a neighbors house, partied, puked and posted it all on Facebook.
Days later, the owner comes home from vacation, connects to Facebook and sees his own furniture being abused by these idiots. Why didn’t he know as soon as he walked in the front door? Because the kids rebroke in the day after the party and cleaned everything up. Which is not as stupid as it sounds, because cleaning is actually a very good cure for a hangover.
The cops are hot on the trail of the perps, though, and this i know because the wasted youth tagged all their pictures on Facebook. i weep for the future.
The question, though, that no one but me is asking is, What the hell was the neighbor guy doing Facebook stalking pictures of partying teens? Grinning and Pedo Baring it, i’ll bet.
Speaking of Facebook. Does anyone out there understand “Groups”? The Bar None has a Group Page on Facebook (and why you haven’t Liked it is beyond me–go there and do it now, please, lazy ass) and there’s a graph on it. Here let me show you.
The Bar None on Facebook
If you click on that image, you’ll see that i have “Reached” 1,433 people. What the fuck does that mean? i only have 35 Likes (at least until you just clicked on it a few seconds ago and i ‘preciate that, really) but i’ve reached well over a thousand. If you tell me i touched 1,500 people i’d say it was a conservative estimate but “Reach”? Can anybody tell me what this means? Thanks Drinkers, Drunks and Alcoholics anonymous.
What’s the most expensive piss you’ve ever taken? Unless it was on your future father in-laws shoes (while he was in them), on the windshield of an occupied police car or in the boss’s coffee cup, your most expensive piss probably won’t come close to the leak you’ll take when you piss away the money you spent on Westvleteren XII. It’s supposed to be the best beer ever made but the people who say this never got drunk with the girl of their dreams on a sailboat drifting over a sea of night watching shooting stars and realizing you have nothing left to wish for because all your wishes have come true.
Monks in Belgium make this brew to see God but they need some extra cash and God’s a little short so they’re selling it to us peons for the price of $85 (glasses included). At that price you might want to cross your legs and hold it in a little longer to get your money’s worth.
If you’re going to be a chronic alcoholic, go big or go boating. Alison Whelan was in a place called England (a heavily desserted Isle where they binge drink warm beer and take soccer way too fucking seriously), tripping on ‘shrooms (which is not my fucking business) and super drunk on Lambrini at the wrong end of a 2-day bender (which is my fucking business, and business is booming).
Alison Whelan Mug Shot
She snuck onto a ferry (the boat, not the slang term for most English men), called 999 to say she was having a seizure and after her boyfriend gave the EMTs shit, Alsion noticed the hotels on shore were getting smaller.
Realizing the boat had become unmoored and was floating out to sea, she told her matey that they were pirates now and kept yelling, “I’m Jack Sparrow” while the 2-storey ferry bounced off yachts in the port “like a pinball machine”, as prosecutors would later say.
i’m no expert–though i play one on this blog–but i’m thinking this episode may hurt her chances for the liver transplant she is currently waiting for…
September 6: Red Bull Leaves You Run Down
Next time you feel a little run down, like your dragging, check to make sure it’s not the Red Bull.
Vorayuth Yoovidhya Mug Shot
In a magical country known as Thigh Land, balls deep in Bangcock, there was some Red Bull shit when the 27-year-old hair in the throne of the energy drink magnet hit and ran some cop dead. Sure, the poor officer (or ‘very poor officer’) was dragged under the car but, far worse, the rich car guy totaled his car! A Ferrari!
Vorayuth Yoovidhya’s Ferrari (Bar None Dregs)
You know what? They should really make Ferrari’s drunk proof. Sure, Vorayuth Yoovidhya (pronounced ‘Very Hot You Video’) had a BAT of 0.63% but c’mon, he’s rich and rich people have different rules. He dropped a lot of cash on his car, the least it could do is keep him out of trouble.
Ferrari Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
All of us in denial recovery know that the first step to sobriety is thinking about admitting you have a problem. ‘Course Brown is at a disadvantage here because “thinking” is not his strong suit in the Bobby Brown DUI Mugshot Playing Card Deck.
Bobby Brown Bar None Mugshot Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Jessica Alba got drunk with the A-List (Alcohol List) to celebrate her Golden Globes noms (as in ‘nom nom’). Because ‘actor’ is how alcoholics spell ‘career’, Moët & Chandon champagne sponsored the event. Also on hand was Megan Fox who drank the champagne and may or may not be breast feeding, but writing “Megan Fox Breast Feeding” is one of the reasons i gave myself this job. Ed Helms (‘Andy’ from The Office and the dentist from The Hangover and The Hangover Part 2: Bad Remake) showed up too and could be heard slurring “Golden Globes sandwich” wherever he went.
Jessica Alba in the Bar None
Bukaki? No, Boozecocky
i jammed some more general sexy shots of her Golden Globes in my drawers, down at the bottom of this post.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Rob Zombie – Dragula
[Press 'Play' for a song they dance in the dark to]
I Got A Rise Out Of Her
Ramblings: Paranormal Re-Activity
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk and possessed by beer farts? You start in on the spirits and you already know what’s going to happen even before you begin but sure enough after the first glass you feel the tension terrify your ass and it stresses you out a little bit but the beer is good and your having such a good time you don’t want to stop so you keep adding liquid fuel to the gas and when the bubble finally bursts at least its not a piece of shit plus the wind makes you jump and some moments are bigger than others and some really freak you out but in the end of your end it’s “no shart, no foul” and you walk shakily away just happy it didn’t stink. Paranormal Activity 4 is a lot like that flatulence.
“Would you close the door? You’re letting all the demons in.”
i heard what you were saying about this movie before i went and i didn’t listen but believed you anyway so i really expected not a whole hell of a lot. Now, i’m not saying y’all were wrong but i am saying you weren’t right. OK, just uttering the words “Paranormal Activity 4″ is enough to make a toddler laugh but the fact it’s lost its cool factor doesn’t mean it’s not cool.
What do i know about it? What do i know about it? Are you forgetting i’m the guy who’s reviewed Paranormal Activity 1, Paranormal Activity 2 and Paranormal Activity 3? (What can i say– i needed counting practice.) Basically, they get better as they go along and i mean the movies, not my reviews which kick it from the start and never let up.
PA3 was the scariest of the series but instead of going one better, Paranormal 4 gasps and dies a little.
Disco is Back from the Dead
For those of you who want to see the movie but don’t remember what happened in the other Paranormals, here’s a cheat sheet for your lazy asses:
Paranormal Activity 1: (October 2006) Micah and Katie are harassed by a demon and record it on a digital camera. Paranormal Activity 2: (Prequel: September 2006) Kristi (Katie’s younger sister), her husband and her hot step daughter are bugged by the same demon and record it on digital home security cameras. Paranormal Activity 3: (Pre-prequel: 1998) Kristi and Katie are little girls and are stalked by a demon and their stepdad records it on videocassette camera. Paranormal Activity 4: (Sequel: November 2011) A blonde teen is tormented by an evil Ben with hormones, but also an evil spirit and the neighbor kid from across the street. Her adventures are mostly recorded on webcams and an Xbox.
You probably want to know what doesn’t work here and i get that so i’ll tell you, but it’s mostly minor things. Like at the beginning, Alex (Kathryn Newton) films stupid things that no one would ever film in real life but it just happens to be what we need to see to understand what the fuck the movie is about. Once she sets up webcams to figure out what the fuck is happening in her house, it gets a little more logicaller.
The bottom line is that the movie was good enough to “scare” me. i mean, i wasn’t huddled down under the seat but i was definitely tense and sure, most of the frights came from “got you” moments when things jump at the screen and most of the suspense was knowing things were going to jump out at you and you had to wait for it, but there were some genuine moments of creepy eeriness and those made the movie worthwhile.
“Mom, Kathryn is connecting Wyatt’s dots again!”
Kathryn Newton carried the movie well on her delicate shoulders and there were only a couple scenes where she had “actor in training” tattooed on her forehead. While we’re on that, i have to card Kathryn here because she’s only 15. [Meaning i won't put pictures of her with the seductive shots of the other actresses and I won't use any shots that are not obviously promotional shots from her team--nothing age inappropriate inside the Bar None, peeps.]
Kathryn Newton Bar None Wallpaper – Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
Katie Featherston is amazing because she gets thinner and younger with each movie. It doesn’t make any sense in the story, but there’s definitely something out of this world playing with that girl and i’m thinking it’s because she sold her soul to the devil. Just sayin’. Here’s what i’m on about.
Katie Featherston Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
There are some single shots of Katie filling my drawers at the bottom of this post. Scroll down until you hit the “Read More” link.
Playing Paranormal’s MILF (Mother I’d Like To Frighten) is Alexondra Lee who goes something like this:
Alexondra Lee Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
IMDB lists Sprague Grayden (Katie’s sister Kristi) as being in the movie but i didn’t know that she didn’t film any nude new scenes for Paranormal 4 until i saw the film because they only used footage from Paranormal 2. Fortunately for you, i’d already downloaded all the shots so you get some Sprague shots in your face whether you want it or not.
Sprague Grayden Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Whatever, “Sprague” is still the coolest girl’s name ever and i’d so love to live naked with her for no other reason (except one or two) that we could have exchanges where i’d be all,
And she’d be all, “Dude…think of more cool nicknames for me.”
So i’d think for a minute and then i’d yell out,
Ahh, the good ol’ days we haven’t had yet. Check my drawers for more spare Sprague shots.
Here’s the Flashback with Katie and Sprague
For those of you who are more into Incubus than Succubus, there’s the DILF (Dad i’d Like to Freak) Stephen Dunham.
Let’s talk about the spark between Ben and Alex (Kathryn Newton, who is too young to be talked about here but apparently her character isn’t). While it’s mentioned she’s still a virgin, her Ben Pal is definitely interested in piercing that mystery. Problem is, in real life Kathryn is only 15 and Matt Shively (Ben) is 22. Has he not heard of ½ your Age + 7? [On another age related note, Katie Featherston plays Sprague Grayden's older sister in the series, but IRL Katie is 2 years younger than her "younger sister".]
Matt Shively Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Here’s a bonus of this Frog Prince.
Drink: ½ Shot
Nothing much to write home about, or here either for that matter. There were a couple references i jotted down in my notebook, though.
Dad drinks beer in front of the TV. Uses a glass.
Mom drinks wine. Uses a glass, too.
Rock & Roll: 3 Shots
Yeah, i’ll go all the way up to 3 shots on this. The movie starts off a little slow but then kicks in and that’s gotta be worth something, as does the fact they included Rob Zombie’s “Dragula” (as did i at the top of this post) so all in all i feel good about rounding up to 3 shots on this.
“If he doesn’t come home soon, I’ll kill him. Course I’ll kill him if he does come home soon, too.”
Boring Technical Crap
Chad Feehan – story
Christopher Landon – screenplay
Directed by: Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman
Katie Featherston – Katie
Kathryn Newton – Alex
Sprague Grayden – Kristi
Alexondra Lee – Holly
Matt Shively – Ben
Stephen Dunham – Doug
If it’s between Paranormal Activity 4 and a bad movie, choose this one.
Oktoberfest Girls Kissing Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Time once again for that yearly event that is the closest the Germans will ever get to Christmas: Octoberfest. All the party hounds can now migrate Over the Wine and mark their territory there. They’ll trash Frankfurt, Hamburg and Cologne which, ironically enough, is also what will come up when they puke.
To celebrate the closing ceremony of this to Hell and Bacchanalia, i’m posting a quiz for you to determine if you are Octoberfest drunk or not.
The first question is, “Why are all the women in Octoberfest Wallpaper above kissing each other?”
Here’s a hint for you, brought to you by Buck Cherry.
The photographic answer to the question is coming, kind of, but until then here’s the rest of test to determine if you are just American Buzzed or Oktoberfest Bested.
What’s Wrong With the Pictures?
Before i give you the answers to that test, here’s the reason the Frauleins are kissing each other:
And now the answers to the Quiz:
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Soundgarden – Live to Rise
[Press 'Play' for the coolest thing you will hear all day.]
Ramblings: Why Chromosomes
Final Proof: 3 ½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in a bouncy castle? Sure, the idea looks good on paper because you’re combining two of your favorite things, drinking and bouncing, and there’s lots of action and lots of fun and you laugh a lot and get your kicks and sure, there are some moments when you get a little tired but your friends are super even if their jokes are often lame but the biggest advantage and the biggest weakness is the exact same thing: drinking in a bouncy castle means you can’t break anything, hurt yourself or take any risks and it’s nice to know you’re safe but sometimes it’s better to leave the safety zone and take some chances and get into the shit. So you have sweet and innocent fun time and you’d do it again in a heartbeat unless something else more better, more intellectualer comes along. That’s what seeing The Avengers was like.
The Avengers is The King’s Speech of action movies. It’s very well made and technically perfect with all of the boxes of “good movie” checked, like beautiful actors and good action and quips and zingers and extra special effects and good guys that are 100% good and bad guys that are 100% bad and the good guy wins and the bad guy loses and they all live happily ever after. It’s like guys’ gymnastics where they have that one routine when everyone has to do the same one. The Avengers is like that: perfectly executed and routine.
“Yeah, this does not look gay in every way.”
But sometimes you want popcorn and not corny pop and hard rock not pop rocks and whiskey not wine coolers and quicksand not Disney Land and a lap dance not romance. At those times you’ll be glad for The Dark Knight–but not The Avengers.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: ½ Shot
“Wanna feel the prick of my arrow?”
Thank god they could find one super heroine in the men’s club, because this really is a men’s club, didn’t you see what i wrote up there about guys’ gymnastics? Who watches guys’ gymnastics anyway? Men who don’t think Scarlett Johansson is hot, that’s who.
Scarlett Johansson – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper
Plus there’s some unbelievable shots of her stuck to the bottom of my drawers, at the end of this review. Scroll down until you get to the “Continue Reading” link and click away.
You know who else i was happy to see here and it’s not Robert Downey Jr even though i was happy to see him too? Cobie Smothers or whatever her name is from How I Met Your Mother. She was already very cute in that show even if i didn’t recognize her here for a minute or two in her military uniform. Let’s just say she looks better out of it.
Cobie Smulders Wallpaper – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper
Not to mention the shots of her in my drawers, after the “Continue Reading” link down there.
Don’t forget Gwyneth Paltrow, who’s back once again as Peter Stark’s love assistant. And what a back and ass-instance she was. There was this one scene with her in denim short shorts and, like Gwyneth or not, you’ll like her. Like this.
Gwyneth Paltrow Wallpaper – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper
Yes, more pixxx of her in my drawers, after the “Continue Reading” link at the bottom of this page.
The good news is that the magnificent Ashley Johnson had a brief appearance in The Avengers as “Waitress”. The bad news is that it was brief. Still, from the way she looked at Captain America, i have the impression we’ll be seeing more of her in the sequel.
For those of you more hooked on heroes than heroines…
Celeste E Hall giggled the whole walk home from this movie, confused like a deli patron unable to decide which hero was the hottest. To give her a hand, i thought i’d do a little poll dance. Vote below for the hero who carried you away the farthest.
If you need to examine these speci-men more closely, the full shots are after the “Continue Reading” link at the bottom of this post.
Scarlett Johansson In The Bar None
Drink: 0 Shots
What can i say, i got nothin’. The only notes i scrawled were:
Stark offers Loki a drink. “Sure you don’t want one? I’m having one.” Whiskey from a snifter.
[Later] Captured Loki says, “About that drink…”
Me So Horny
Rock & Roll: 4 ½ Shots
On a scale of Bright Star to the first Matrix, The Avengers holds its own (as i sometimes do, but with my left hand so i can pretend it’s someone else’s). Lots of action and only enough talk to knock it down 1/2 a shot. The special effects were solid and there was even some real rock and roll, beginning with the Soundgarden that kicked off this shit and including this old but still kicking AC/DC classic.
“Shit, I think I have this backwards.”
One interesting disappointment was the fights. Remember how you were a kid and talking to some buds while smoking some other ones, and you were all like, “Who do you think would win if [insert super hero] got in a fight with [insert different super hero]?” We now know the answer will usually be “It’d be a tie.” Especially if one of the combatants is Thor.
Based on these battles:
Thor v. The Hulk
Thor v. Iron Man
Thor v. Captain America
Thor v. Loki
The Hulk v. Black Widow
There were two cards that weren’t undecided:
Black Widow v. Hawkeye (Black Widow by TKO)
The Hulk v. Loki (The Hulk in a first round knock out)
Boring Technical Crap
Stan Lee & Jack Kirby (comic book)
Joss Whedon (screenplay)
Zak Penn & Joss Whedon (story)
Directed by: Joss Whedon
Scarlett Johansson – Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow
Cobie Smulders – Agent Maria Hill
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Ashley Johnson – Waitress
Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Samuel L. Jackson – Nick Fury
Chris Evans – Steve Rogers / Captain America
Mark Ruffalo – Bruce Banner / The Hulk
Chris Hemsworth – Thor
Jeremy Renner – Clint Barton / Hawkeye
Tom Hiddleston – Loki
Clark Gregg – Agent Phil Coulson
Definitely you should see this. If only because it’s the number one selling movie of all time. And you should see it on the biggest screen you can find. You know what they say, “Go big or go home (and watch it there).”
There She Goes, Pissed America… Rima Fakih Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Long time no dregs, so i’m back with a flash to look at some drunk ass shit going down in the world. Miss Drunk USA comes in both small and medium sizes, a drunk guy can’t get something off his chest, Amber Bynes is still drunk and has become Scout Willis’s rock ‘n’ roll model, plus Matthew Fox who played Jack on Lost still is.
Speaking of Jack, here’s Jack Johnson – Red Wine, Mistakes, Mythology
[Press 'Play' to 'take a piece of the sun and drink some']
A toast to my brother from another drunkard, In The Same Boat, who brought this little bit of tid to my attention.
i’m allergic to exercise. Serious. Every time i try it, i sweat profusely and my heart rate increases and my breathing becomes labored so now all i do is watch TV because nothing bad happens to me that way. i’m also allergic to booze. It makes me break out in stupid. Mixing these? Are you on bath salts and after a little face time?
Apparently Chris Bailey, who used to be 28, was. He drank with his landlord in England until 3am when the landlord went to bed, but when the landlord woke up he saw the front door open and the garage light on and found Chris couldn’t handle the pressure…of the weights he’d been drunk lifting. Chris had been working out in the early morning and was dead, crushed by the weights he was lifting trying to lift. Look on the bright side, Chris, at least you’ll be the burliest mother fucker in heaven. Maybe not in hell, though–they got lots and lots of burly fucks in hell– so let’s hope you’re going to heaven.
Here’s another reason, like you need one, not to lift weights.
Female Weightlifters’ Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Y’all remember Amanda Bynes from that one post where i told you about her so drunk driving that she crashed into a fucking police car? When she was so fucking drunk she refused every kind of test they could throw up at her? Of course you don’t remember because you were so into the photos that you forgot how to read but i’m here to remind you.
Guess what? She just went to fucking court drunk and i’m not even kidding because she pleaded innocent. After she hit a police car. And refused every drunk test that exists. The only logical explanation for her innocent plea is that she was so drunk her lawyer caught a contact buzz off her breath and oozed all the shit she wanted him to.
Go ahead and think i’m kidding because i know you and that’s what you’re thinking but how else do you explain her tweeting Obama himself to have her arresting deputy fired? If that’s not drunk tweeting i don’t know what is, and trust me, i know what is.
There seems to be a rash and not just the one that itches me late at night when it rains but one of minors getting arrested for underage drinking. For example “Boy” Scout Willis was popped like a cherry for underage drinking and identity theft because she had a fake ID (how much you wanna bet it was Michelle Rodriguez’s driver’s license she lost at some Tijuana strip club during a drunken lap dance for Rumer Willis?).
Scout Willis isn’t a Minor, Her Parents are Too Famous
Adding to that rash is minor starlettes pleading Not Guilty by Reason of Infamity, i.e. too almost famous to have a record for drinking crimes. i rest my case in point on my lap and will tell you that Scout “Jamboree” Willis pleaded innocent to her charges as well and told her Dad to Die Hard the court’s ass.
Here’s a Miss America i’m proud to have voted for. Rima Fakih (as in “Fakih, Fakih 10 dolla’) truly represents the intellectual cross section that is the U.S., especially how she gets pulled over drunk driving with an open bottle of French champagne and tries to get out of it by saying she’s Miss USA like it’s a real title and when that doesn’t work, she lies on Twitter about it by tweeting, “Wrong Rima Fakih” because the name ‘Rima Fakih’ is as common as … hmm, absolutely fuck all which is why i think she rocks and deserves to be Miss America. She reminds me a lot of some of the women i’ve dated in my life or at least dreamed of dating just like i dream of being with a Miss America so there you go, told you she was the right woman for the hand job.
Rima Fakih Drunk Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
BTW, for those of you who haven’t given up on this post yet (and god bless you for your courage), she was sentenced to 6 months probation and 20 hours community service which might have something to do with pole dancing, i’m not sure. It would go a long way to explaining the shots of her pole dancing i got stuffed in my drawers at the bottom of this post.
Not to be undone, Miss Teen Arizona 2010 (it was a very good year) decided to take it a step further by getting popped like a zit for DUI but this time, while only 18 years old. And just like that, the number one person in the world i wanna party with goes from Kirsten Dunst to Tori Vance.
Tori Vance Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
The cops pulled her over for puling an illegal u-ey and suspected she was drinking so they arrested her ass and the rest of her too but especially her ass and she hit just over 0.08% on the BAC which is the minimum to win a free trip to booking central.
There’s lots more drawer shots down there, Yo, after the “Continue reading…” link.
Does Matthew Fox have a drinking problem? He’s fucking married to a woman named “Margarita Raunch” (Margherita Ronch), people.
Matthew Fox, dashing good guy hero figure of TV’s Lost, continued his downward spiral by getting popped for a DUI recently and that’s not even the most interesting thing he’s ben in deep, deep, trouble for, because this is the guy who nearly went to the pokey for punching a vagina. Punching. A. Vagina. He hit below the belt after he had one, basically. Hey, i punched twats when i was drinking, and i even punched assholes, but i never ever punched a vadge, ask any of the cunts i know.
You know what it is and you don’t so i’ll tell you, it’s the Get Lost curse. Y’all are pro’lly too young to remember but way back in 2005 i talked about how Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros got bustedthe same freaking night for DUI. If you’re keeping score and you know i am, that makes three Losers Losties and here’s a toast to my being around Evangeline Lilly before she either gets busted with “the others” or Foxy punches her in her Evadgealina.
A Toast to Evangeline Lilly
So yeah, there are a lot more Foxy shots in my drawers with the rest of ‘em.
Bar None Dregs
Happy Father’s Day!
Father’s Day in the Bar None
That Saint Pauly kid posted another couple of his What The Fuck? Watch The Film reviews.
First up is Amber Heard’s abortion with John Carpenter, The Ward.
Then, just in time for Father’s Day, there’s Rebecca de Mornay’s Mother’s Day:
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Stephen Stills – Love The One You’re With
[Press 'Play' for some oft referenced Stephen Stills]
Ramblings: Space Campy
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in your old high school? You bring beer, break in, then rode the halls and reminisce on good memories that age like brandy, smooth and mellow and maybe a little better than when they were made. What’s nice is that the school’s been all remodeled and looks fucking great and you can’t believe all the high tech gadgets they got now that they didn’t have when you were a kid so you play with them a little bit and get all set to settle into a nice night that may generate a few memories of its own…until some asshole pulls the fire alarm and you have to run outside into the playground and you stumble around and get more drunk and bang your head on the monkey bars and puke on the swing while you’re swinging so that you swing into your vomit and it streaks your cheeks and stains your shirt and fills your lap and the night is cashed like a keg of warm beer gone stale. That’s sorta what Prometheus was like.
i can tell you right off the bat that i gave this somebitch 3 shots because the first half of the movie was 4 shots and the second half was 2 shots and the average of that is too hard for me to calculate so i’ll just round up to 3.
The beginning was incredible. What’s-his-name the director…Ridley Scott, there you go, filmed Prometheus in 3D rather than just stapling 3D shit on top after and you can really really tell when you watch the opening scenes. The vistas and the valleys and the crags and shit look awesome and then, when you start noticing the planet scape of the outer space lands you realize he even made the cloud formations look unique and you start to appreciate just how far out there “Out There” is and you appreciate the whole other-worldly other world Scott created. Like Avatar on vodka spiked with anti-freeze. Truly wondrous.
After half a movie of this, just when you think you can relax and enjoy the show, the film turns to shit without warning. There are so many “WTF?” moments that you’ll wonder where you’ve been transported and what happened to the movie you were just watching. Scott feels obligated to force feed you shots of the original Alien (female leads, schmarmy androids with an agenda…) which he thinks are tradition but in fact are just cliche and tired. It’s like he meticulously manicured a marvelous castle of mud and then, just when you started appreciating its true beauty, he pisses all over it and makes it crumble around you.
What else do you want from me? Noomi Rapace makes the jump from the Swedish Girl With A Dragon Tattoo to US blockbusters a droitly or even two droitlies. She does a decent job here in her role as Sigourney Weaver wannabe except, as my wife Celeste E Hall pointed out, Noomi’s character Elizabeth Shaw is a wimpy scaredy pussy compared to Weaver’s Ripley (believe it or not) but that’s not Noomi’s fault, it’s Ridley’s for directing her into that corner.
Michael Fassbender is the same. He does a great job doing that acting thing but his character is all WTF’ed and he ends up gloriously portraying Lost In Space‘s Robby the Robot. Plus i heard he’s a conceited prick in real life so i don’t like him anyway and it’s got nothing to do with his penis probably being bigger than mine.
Basically, if you’re invested in the Alien series you’ll get your money’s worth from this one and there’s nothing i’ll be able to tell you that’ll convince you that it’s not as good as you think it is, but for the rest of us humans who don’t need to revisit space camp you should go and see something good instead.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1½ Shots
The only sex scene is the buzz kill and that’s just how bad it is.
The closest thing we get to nudity is the Alien, who has one of those mouths that look like a vagina. Like in The Thing. Because male film directors are misogynists.
Sure, there’s Charlize Theron (36) but the only sex scene with her happens off screen and the only time she gets hot is when it’s cold and her uniform is tight. Trust me, she’s a lot sexier here in the Bar None than she ever was in this movie.
Charlize Theron Collage: Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There are more drawer shots at the bottom. You hafta click on the link that says “Continue Reading…” down there ↓.
Then there also was Noomi Rapace (32). She was the Swish (because everybody knows Swiss and Swedish is exactly the same fucking thing) actress who starred in Swish version of the Swish book The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. She showed a lot more skin than Charlize in this puppy, like that one shot i put at the top of this section that i called “Elizabeth Shaw Swaddled” in my notes.
Noomi Rapace Collage: Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i got some drawer shots of her as well. Just scroll to the bottom and look for the button that says “Continue Reading…”
For those of you more into Predators than Mother Ships, here’s Michael Fassbender.
Michael Fassbender Collage: Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Plus, i got some Bar None shots of him at the bottom, in my drawers.
Drink: 2 Shots
Almost nothing but the fact that there was anything when this takes place in outer fucking space is already something.
A vodka. Up.
Vickers / Charlize Theron ordering a vodka from the android
Cool scientist drinking vodka from the bottle while in the lab
[He] gets drunk in pool room and android comes to keep him drunk
Champagne spiked with Alien bile
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
You want to know what this move is like in rock and roll terms? “Owner of a Lonely Heart” by Yes. It starts of really cool and you think you have rock on your hands and then it gets all soft on you and everyone knows you can’t play pool with a rope.
Boring Technical Crap
“If you want, Noomi, I can put you on my shoulders so you can see better.”
Written by: Jon Spaihts, Damon Lindelof
Directed by: Ridley Scott
Noomi Rapace – Elizabeth Shaw
Charlize Theron – Meredith Vickers
Michael Fassbender – David
Logan Marshall-Green – Charlie Holloway
When Noomi gets into the automatic surgery box, either abandon ship or fasten your seatbelt because that’s the moment this bitch looses power and goes down in flames.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Joking aside, all that’s left is pictures. Click on this link for that.