Darwin Awards for Drunks: 2013 BarWin Awards VOTE HERE

Bar-Win Awards 2013 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None)

Bar-Win Awards 2013 Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

All last week i posted the best of the worst, those 6 people who make drinking look bad. Oh sure, we’ve all been stupid drunk before but not this fucking stupid. Not so stupid our genes need to be eliminated from the gene pool so we don’t pass the stupid on to future generations.

You know me, and if you don’t then pass the buck, i’m incapable of making anything, especially anything that even remotely smells like a decision, so ima pass the buck back to you and ask y’all to do the choosing for me.

i’m going to call it when we get to 20 votes or the BarWin Awards for 2014, whichever comes.

If you’re memory is shorter than my attention span, these are the 6 candidates for the 2013 BarWin Awards (the Darwin Awards for Drunks). Click on the Title for each Can-idate to read about them or just look at the pictures and vote away.

Can-idate #1

Used 2014-01-06 BarWin Awards Can 1 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Guy who impaled himself scaling an open gate

Can-idate #2

Guy who castrated himself having sex with a broken bottle

Guy who castrated himself having sex with a broken bottle

Can-didate #3

Used 2014-01-08 BarWin Awards Can 3 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Girl who tried to drunk drive her getaway on a Power Wheels truck

Can-didate #4

Used 2014-01-09 BarWin Awards Can 4 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Guy who kidnapped himself

Can-didate #5

Used 2014-01-09 BarWin Awards Can 5 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Guy who got in a *fucking* drunk driving accident

Can-didate #6

Used 2014-01-09 BarWin Awards Can 6 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Drunk girl who called 911 to report drunk people in a bar

Used 2014-01-13 BarWin Awards Too Much Stupid (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Click here for a complete list of the Can-idates

Booze Revooze: G.I. JOE: RETALIATION

GI Joe Retaliation 00 poster AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Four Horsemen – Back In Business Again

[Press ‘Play’ for some fuckers back for another round]

i got lucky again, if “lucky” means seeing this one day before it was released in the States. If it doesn’t mean that, then i got whatever the word for seeing it in Yeaman first is.

Here’s the shots off my cell phone as proof.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation screen shots Bar None Booze Revooze

Ramblings: G.I. Joe: Retail Nation

Final Proof: 3 Shots

3 shots

You know how you get drunk with a pizza delivery guy? He shows up on time and decides to come in and have a brew with you and he’s only just a kid but cool enough and after all he did bring the fucking pizza. Sure, all he did was bring what you ordered but how often have you ordered a pizza and they get the order wrong and it’s got pineapple or fish or some shit on it or they bring it way too late or sometimes they don’t even bring it at all? At least this guy really brings it. He brings the pizza and it’s not an awesome pizza, hell, it’s not even a great pizza and it’s not like they surprise you with extra ingredients or a hot delivery chick or free beer, you get just what you ordered and you ordered what you wanted so you end up getting what you wanted which is more than you can say for a lot of drunk pizza delivery guys. G.I. Joe: Retaliation is exactly like that pizza: simple fare but fare enough.

GI Joe Retaliation 01 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Cue Ball + Crystal Ball = 2 big balls

Yeah, i hesitated between 2½ and 3 shots but i decided to round up for a couple reasons. Like i didn’t expect much and i wasn’t disappointed, which actually doesn’t always happen. Like with The Expendables, i went expecting a basic action movie and i saw an ugly chick flick.

It’s simple, when i see an action movie i want rock and roll, special effects, and action. Lots of fucking action. G.I. Joe: Retaliation delivers all of that. Nothing more, but what they delivered is fulfilling enough that i left satisfied.

The story was easy to follow and didn’t need tons of talk to set it up. The costumes and sets were often kind of cool, the fight scenes weren’t boring and there were enough of them, the actors were above average for the genre, and the special effects didn’t look too fake.

GI Joe Retaliation 02 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Street Fighter flashback, anyone?

Some things were hard to swallow, of course. Like the code names these poor Joes are stuck with are downright embarrassing. i can’t imagine the shame of the G.I. Joe cotillion when people have to walk around with name tags that say, “Roadblock”, “Firefly” or “Storm Shadow”. A couple of WTF moments left a bad taste in my mouth (Welshman Jonathan Pryce as President of the United States? A country where the President can replace his entire staff with Nazis over night and everyone obeys with 100% commitment simly because he’s the President?) but this is a pizza movie so i’m not gonna bitch because i can’t have my cake and eat it, too.

GI Joe Retaliation 03 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

An Welsh president? Only in America

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

2 shots

Yes, there was a slather (yes it’s a word, it’s spelled s-l-a-t-h-e-r) of Silken Butterflies and Elodie Yung is French so that’s another bonus point but the 2 shots here is all Adrianne Palicki (as “Lady Jaye”). While i was looking up pictures of her for this post, i saw her progress from this cute young woman who posed in provocative pics to launch (among other things) her career and then i saw she’s been in more doomed pilots than a gay World War II Flying Ace. Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Robinsons: Lost In Space

GI Joe Retaliation 06 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze sex

“My 3rd eye mole is up here.”

That she’s beautiful is obvious but watching her on screen i saw a natural charm and a down to earth spark that lit me up. She was born in fucking Toleda, for chrissake. Is she the girl next door? Don’t fuckin’ know, but she can sure as shit act like it and she’s an actress, after all, so if she’s good enough to act like she is then i’m buying into the myth conception.

Starting with this.

Adrianne Palicki 2013-03-27 Bar None Wallpaper Booze Revooze

Adrianne Palick Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s tons more single shots of her down in my drawers. Just keep scrolling down until you hit my pay dirty.

Plus like i already said, Elodie Yung was in this as Jinx and she’s so cute she could be French. Because she is. Plus she’s Elodie Yung, which she is too. This is what i mean.

Elodie Yung 2013-03-27 Bar None Wallpaper Booze Revooze

Elodie Yung Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s more shots of her in my drawers with Adrianne down there. ↓

Silken Butterflies

There was a slather (see? would i have used it twice if it wasn’t a real word?) of lovely ladies who were in the movie just long enough to wet our…whistles and to leave us wanting more.

First up are the amazing Joanna Leeds and Elana Justin who both star as interns.

Joanna Leeds 01 Bar None Booze Revooze

Joanna Leeds

Elana Justin 2013-03-27 Bar None Booze Revooze

Elana Justin

Then there was the incredible Tiffany Lonsdale who appeared as the “British Expert”.

Tiffany Lonsdale 01 in the Bar None Booze Revooze

Tiffany Lonsdale in the Bar None

Finally, is the tragically uncredited Brittney Alger who played the pivotal role of Bartender #1.

Brittney Alger 01 Bar None Booze Revooze

Is she not adorable? i’ma hit her up for an interview to make up for the fact she was uncredited in the movie. i’ll give her credit where credit is due, ‘swhat i’m saying.

Here’s the blow by blow of the sex in the movie:

  • She [Adrianne Palicki] bends over in shorts, half jogging shirt & she’s fit
  • Her [Adrianne Palicki] in a red dress changing out of it into t-shirt with sexy black lingerie [while Flint watches her by her reflection in a TV screen]
GI Joe Retaliation 05 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze sex

Not enough sex on TV

  • Her [Adrianne Palicki] in jeans from behind. Oh my…

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

GI Joe Retaliation 07 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze drink

How do you know it’s PG-13? We toast with water.

Square this one away and get me a beer.

–The short-lived Duke to a subordinate concerning a nuclear missile after a mission

  • Champagne at presidential roast
GI Joe Retaliation 08 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze drink

“When I stand up, you’ll get the bottle back again.”

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

3  & 1-2 shots

The action was good and a couple times it was even semi-original which was way more than i could’ve hoped for.

Add to that a decently hard soundtrack by some guy named Henry Jackman, plus the song at the top and now this one that came in during the credits. The Heavy – How You Like Me Now

[Press ‘Play’ for how you like me now]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick

Directed by: Jon M. Chu

GI Joe Retaliation 10 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze cast

Helmets with Spit Guards

Starring

Adrianne Palicki – Jaye
Elodie Yung – Jinx
Joanna Leeds – Intern
Elana Justin – Intern
Tiffany Lonsdale – British Expert
Brittney Alger – Bartender #1 (uncredited)
Dwayne Johnson – Roadblock
Jonathan Pryce – President
Byung-hun Lee – Storm Shadow
Ray Stevenson – Firefly
D.J. Cotrona – Flint
Channing Tatum – Duke

Bottom Line

Basic meat lovers pizza: a little cheesy but not totally tasteless.

Another Round

mi-ghostprotocol-poster bar none booze revooze

Booze Revooze: MI: GHOST PROTOCOL

the-expendables- bar none Booze Revooze

Booze Revooze: THE EXPENDABLES

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The text is done and so am i. It’s late and i’ve been power putting this together to get it ready for a same-day posting so i’ll shut up now and give you the photos of the ladies and nothing else. Continue reading

Booze Revooze: LES MISERABLES

Les Miserables poster bar none booze revooze

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Eddie Redmayne, Daniel Huttlestone & Students – Drink with Me

[Press ‘Play’ for “Let the wine of friendship never run dry…”]

Ramblings: Less Miserable

Final Proof: 3 Shots

3 shotsYou know how you get drunk in a French karaoke bar? Everyone is singing in English but something’s still not quite right and you don’t know if it’s you because of how fucked up you are or because of how fucked up everyone else is in the spotlight singing strange songs strangely, songs you’ve never heard of or heard before and you start to wonder if you haven’t stumbled into French gay hell. Even weirder are all the people in the bar who are really getting into it and you don’t know how you missed the ass they’re riding in on but you’re sure as hell not getting off at the same place they are. Still, it’s fun to watch everyone from a distance because they’re cute or drunk or funny but never all 3 together unfortunately. So you were kind of dreading going but it was distracting and more than once entertaining even if that was only from laughing at the show and the whack-jobs watching it. That’s kinda what Les Misérables was like.

Les Miserables 01 bar none booze revooze

The Villlager People

It’s not the film’s fault but i forgot this was a musical even if it technically isn’t but is an opera instead. Yes, this is far worse. Not just bad. Opera bad.

One of the many things i have never understood is the concept of Musicals. i’m especially curious to know what the first ever musical was. i want to know this so i can go back in time and kill the fucker who wrote it and thus perhaps save the universe from the monumental pain the opera fat ass that is Opera.

People walk around spontaneously combusting into song at the drop of a top hat? What kind of sick ass word is that? Tell you what, i see some some beach dancing in the streets, i’mma run his skippy ass down. If god wanted us to sing everything that crossed our minds, he would of made me deaf. Not just deaf. Opera deaf.

 Les Miserables 02 bar none booze revooze

Jacques in a Box

So, what was good about this other than its ending? It was funny watching Russel Crowe sing, but no so much fun hearing it. Maybe my favorite part of the film was the French history in it, and that should tell you how much i didn’t like the singing. Oh, Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were cool and their songs sucked less than everyone else’s. That’s about it.

My absolute favorite part? Other than the special movie theater i went to that had first class airplane electronic recliner chairs with a tray and waiters that delivered to your seat (i shit you totally not), my favorite part was the 15 year old i was with telling me she liked it. i was so relieved that this automatically went to 3 shots for me. Plus, she may read this one day and i told her i liked it so i don’t want to be a liar.

 Les Miserables 03 bar none booze revooze

My barber also does my tassles.

Speaking of underage…Isabelle Allen is only 10 so i’m going to card her cute little ID right here so that she doesn’t get mixed up with all the vulgarity to follow. She played Young Cosette but there was nothing amateur about her performance. If the crazy skilz she displayed here are any indication, her future will be as winning as her smile. And not just winning. Opera winning.

Isabelle Allen 01 Used 2013-01-13 bar none booze revooze

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex:1 Shot

Les Miserables sex 01 bar none booze revooze Anne-Hathaway

Anne Hathaway is so dirty

1 shotFirst off Anne Hathaway is beautiful and she’s in this movie and she worked hard for the Oscar nom nom. She went so far as to flash her brillo patch to raise up awarenesses under the Motion Picture Board and i know she keeps saying she feels terribly embarrassed about it but there’s no way a woman who was already smeared by the paps when she wore a see-through top [and if you’ve forgotten the glory of that precious moment, here’s a Bar None Wallpaper to jog more than your memory] would forget to wear her underwear unless she was hoping for some big publicity or at least a gentle press.

Anne Hathaway 00 bar none booze revooze

Anyway, Hathaway did a good job playing Fantine in the movie and wants everyone to know it. Hell, don’t hide your light under a bushel, Anne. Like i won’t hide this.

Anne Hathaway 2013-01-13 Wallpaper bar none booze revooze

Anne Hathaway Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be some single shots of her lurking in my drawers down below. Just scroll to the bottom and click on the “Continue reading” link.

Amanda Seyfried (Cosette) showed up in this movie too which is nice because it gives me an excuse to show you this.

Amanda Seyfried 2013-01-13 Wallpaper bar none booze revooze

Amanda Seyfried Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s some single shots of her as well, in my drawers down there.

Plus i really liked the final female lead Samantha Barks / Éponine because she is more normal beautiful than the famous beauties and i’m a fan of normal beauty. Here’s an example.

Samantha Barks Bar None 2013-01-13 Wallpaper Booze Revooze

Samantha Barks Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i’ll have some more single shots of her in my drawers. Scroll down to see if Barks is worse than her bite.

Finally, Helena Bonham Carter, Her Lady of Ultimate Coolness did a great job in this movie as Madame Thénardier (to Sacha Baron Cohen’s Thénardier). i’ve already exposéd her a couple of times here and clicking on the cleavage will take you to that stack of photos.

Les Miserables sex 02 bar none booze revooze Helena-Bonham Carter downblouse

Silken Butterflies

The supremely talented Frances Ruffelle played “Whore 1″.

Frances Ruffuelle 2013-01-13 Used bar none booze revooze

Not to be outdone, Charlotte Spencer plays “Whore 3″. Lots of whoring going on in this movie with lots of not nudity. Seems the writers didn’t really grasp the whole concept of whores.

Charlotte Spencer Used 2013-01-13 bar none booze revooze

For those of you more into Tenor 11 inches, there was Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier.

Sacha Baron Cohen 2013-01-13 Used bar none booze revooze

Sacha Baron Cohen in the Bar None

Sacha Baron Cohen 2013-01-13 Wallpaper bar none booze revooze

Sacha Baron Cohen Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Aaron Tveit as Enjolras.

Aaron Tveit Used 2013-01-13 bar none booze revooze

And Eddie Redmayne as Marius.

Eddie Redmayne Used 2013-01-13 bar none booze revooze

A Smoke

Drink: 1 Shot

1 shot

Could’ve been worse. Not that there was tons of drinking but i liked what there was, which was basically Sacha Baron Cohen and his inn and people getting drunk inn there.

Here’s the blow by blow:

  • Gave Valjean wine & bread at the church he stole from
  • Sacha Cohen wakes up with a keg, kisses it and tells it, “I love you.”
  • “Don’t let the wine go to your brain” lyric [from “Red and Black”]
  • A song called “Drink with Me” [included in the intro]

Les Miserables drink 01 bar none booze revooze Helena-Bonham Carter

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 shots

Seriously, did you know most of the songs here don’t even rhyme? How fucked up is that? Just because you use a stupid singing voice when you say shit doesn’t mean you’re singing.

Check this out and read the lyrics…

Before you say another word, Javert
Before you chain me up like a slave again
Listen to me! There is something I must do.
This woman leaves behind a suffering child.
There is none but me who can intercede,
In Mercy’s name, three days are all I need.
Then I’ll return, I pledge my word.

Do you believe that bullshit? Or, as i write in my latest song:

Do you believe that bullshit.
It’s so stupid.

Les Miserables 05 bar none booze revooze

All Washed Up

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Victor Hugo (novel)
Claude-Michel Schönberg & Alain Boublil (book)
Herbert Kretzmer (lyrics)
Alain Boublil & Jean-Marc Natel (original: French text)
James Fenton (additional text)
William Nicholson (screenplay)

Directed by: Tom Hooper

Starring

Anne Hathaway – Fantine
Amanda Seyfried – Cosette
Helena Bonham Carter – Madame Thénardier
Samantha Barks – Éponine
Isabelle Allen – Young Cosette
Frances Ruffelle – Whore 1
Charlotte Spencer – Whore 3
Hugh Jackman – Jean Valjean
Russell Crowe – Javert
Sacha Baron Cohen – Thénardier
Eddie Redmayne – Marius
Aaron Tveit – Enjolras

Les Miserables 04 bar none booze revooze

“Yes! I love this fence, too!”

Bottom Line

Apart from the singing parts, though, Les Misérables was OK. Take out the songs and you got yourself a so-so movie here.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

I’s all over but the hotness. Keep going for the hot shots.

Continue reading

Dregs of the Week: New Yeah’s 2013

Sofia Vergara 2013-01-05 in the Bar None Bar None Dregs Wallpaper

Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

The New Year has come even if you haven’t (but hey, the couple that fakes it together, makes it together) and brings with it a whole barrel bottom-ful of Dregs. Like we got a girl shooting off her brother’s mouth, God not damning, the Chris Brown wreck, Lay-Lo laying low, and Sofia Veraga’s New Year’s boobs.

From the juiced-box: The Pretty Reckless – Kill Me

[Press ‘Play’ for what you listen to when you care enough to kill the very best]

Bar None Al K Hall

Commoner Dregs

January 2, 2013: Photo Shoot

Manuel & Savannah Ramirez Bar None Dregs

Starting things off with a bang this year.

You know me (and if you don’t, watch more Jerry Springer), i like to make fun as much as the next guy especially if the next guy is super funny. But i have to draw a line somewhere so i’m drawing one right here.

See, on New Year’s Eve in Phoenix, AZ a drunk 19 year old girl killed her brother while they posed for Facebook profile pics. The parties in questioning were drinking with buds when someone pulled out a gun and as the siblings messed around, the girl accidentally fired a bullet into her  brother’s head.

i know you like the back of my daddy’s hand, Barmaids and Beerhounds, and i know you’re gonna wanna make all kinds of jokes about this. Like you’re gonna be tempted to shoot your mouth off and say shit like, “Looks like they were doing shots” or “Talk about a photo shoot” or “Maybe he wanted a head shot .” Well, i’m here to tell you that shit don’t fly, you sick mother drunkard. What do you have going on in you brain to even think of bad puns like that?

November 15, 2012: Loop Holy

God may not be your copilot, but he sure as hell is Tyler Alred’s. This 17-year old shithead was drunk driving (0.07 %, just under the legal limit), hit a tree and killed his 16-year old passenger. Dead. He even pleaded guilty to manboyslaughter.

Tyler Alred Mugshot Bar None Dregs

You know who else is a shithead? The judge. He sentenced All-red to 10 years…in church. Swear to god. The judge passed on a suspended sentence of 10 years during which Tyler has to attend church service on Sunday.

The kicker? The sentence may not be too effective because Alred already goes to church every fucking Sunday. God damn it all to hell.

Jesus Really Does Save Bar None Dregs

Turns Out Jesus Really Does Save

Celebrity Dregs

December 23, 2012: What’s Wrong With This Picture?

Lindsay Lohan Bar None Dregs

Lindsay Lohan was photographed at a restaurant celebrating her sister Ali’s 19th birthday (Ali’s the one in the back left looking like Elizabeth Bennet out of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies), but it’s hard to tell because everyone in that family looks like the clan’s Gran, including the men.

The scandal that erupted like the zit on the nose of a Disney teen drinking and driving Herbie The Love Drunk had to do with the fact that it’s illegal for Lay-Lo to drink alcohol, and this law is brought to you by the same universe that says it’s OK to sentence a drunk driver to church.

Like every good alkie, however, Lindsay blamed her grandmother because you would too if you could get away with it and you would because what kind of lawyer would attack a grannie? To add salt to the wounds, Lay Lindsay Lay claimed that the drink is an alcohol free margarita, making it the only thing even close to virgin at the table. Plus, i’m pretty sure that’s not salt on the rim. Maybe the Coke isn’t in the glass, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.

Here’s a little tribute to the lovely bonds of sisterhood.

Lindsay & Ali Lohan Bar None Dregs Wallpaper

Lindsay & Ali Lohan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You guys pro’lly don’t care about what a sensitive soul i am, but this one picture right here is very heartistic and causes me a sadness i wouldn’t know where to explain.

Ali & Lindsay Lohan 02 Bar None dregs

And this one is just plain cute…

Ali & Lindsay Lohan 01 Bar None dregs

January 2, 2013: Breast Regards

Sofia Vergara 00 bar none dregs nip slip

Sofia Vergara Plays “Peek-a-Boob”

Sofia Vergara 02 bar none dregs

Sofia Vergara and Nick “Rock” Loeb-ster in the Bar None

Sofia Veraga has two very big boobs: her fiancé and her ex. On New Year’s Eve they all decided to party together which is the greatest idea ever since Rihanna decided to go back to Chris Brown. All this went down in Florida which, if you’ve read these dregs more than once you already know is where insanity goes to die and comes back to life so it can gnaw on the brains of the few people there that have any left.

The trio were partying in the VIP section of a club called Miami’s Story when Sofia So-Good and her fiancé Nick Loeb had words to go with their drinks (words like “asshole”, “fuckface”, and “stretchy head”, i bet). People at a nearby table stuck their noses into Loeb’s business and then his fist and in the following fight some people got beat up but, even better, some good soul was kind enough to pull down Sofia’s top for us.

Sorry about the censorship in the above shot but i can’t find an unadultery shot anywhere on the net. The closest i could find was this slip showing.

Sofia Vergara 02 nip slip in the Bar None bar none dregs

Sofaia Vergara will bend over backwards for you

i got more of this hot steamy mess down in my drawers…

December 9, 2012: Chris Browns His Underwear

Call me Basking Robbins ’cause i’m about to give y’all a scoop. Chris Brown, the guy you know you hate, was in a city called Paris (hint: doesn’t end with “Hilton”) in a land called France (the country Germany practices its global dominations on) and learned a very simple lesson in mathematsick.

Chris Brown 01 Bar None dregs

+

Chris Brown 02 in the Bar None Bar None dregs

=

Chris Brown 03 Lamborghini France Nabilla et Karrueche Bar None dregs

Seems Brownie rented a Lamborghini Aventador (shot 1), did a show and hit an after-party (shot 2), left the bar at 4 am and banged into some other dude’s car (shot 3). As i’m the only one talking about this (in English), i’m calling it a win for Team None. But, if i get wacked mysteriously or suddenly disappear without a face, start looking here at the French Connection.

Here’s a Bar None Artist’s misconception.

Chris Brown 03 Artist's Misconception Bar None dregs

Bar None Artist’s Misconception of Chris Brown’s Accident

i gots more shots of Chris and Rihanna drinking in my drawers, just at the bottom there.

Bar None Dregs

For Christmas, i promised that Saint Pauly kid i’d post this picture off his WTF (Watch the Film) blog. What do you think? Is is as funny as he says it is?

Return of the King WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly

Troll Colonoscopy

Here comes the part where i wish you a Happy New Year. That’s done. Was it good for you?

updated-new-years-resolutions

i stole this from a website called Guapola because that’s the kinda shit i do.

Masochists will want to to go to All About Al K Hall for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Below are pretty much just pretty pictures of much to do with nothing.

Continue reading

Dregs of the Week: September 16 – December 19, 2012

Ferrari Girl Wallpaper Collage at the Bar None

Ferrari Girl Collage at the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

It’s that time of year where i write about September dregs in December. i’ll talk about things like Facebooked Teens, Red Bullshit, wrecked Ferraris, wrecked Ferrari drivers, Yo Ho Hoes, Jessica Alba’s Golden Globes, and oh oh oh so much more.

From the Juiced Box and dedicated to Vorayuth Yoovidhya and Bobby Brown: Stevie Wonder – Don’t Drive Drunk

[Press ‘Play’ to hear some kind of Wonder. Stevie never drove drunk, neither should you.]

Back Flip

Commoner Dregs

October 2: FaceBook ‘EmFacebooked The Bar None

What kind of mind do teens have? Teeny. But don’t take my words for it, get it straight from the asses’ mouth. Or Timeline, if that’s how you roll because these pocket scientists broke into a neighbors house, partied, puked and posted it all on Facebook.

Days later, the owner comes home from vacation, connects to Facebook and sees his own furniture being abused by these idiots. Why didn’t he know as soon as he walked in the front door? Because the kids rebroke in the day after the party and cleaned everything up. Which is not as stupid as it sounds, because cleaning is actually a very good cure for a hangover.

The cops are hot on the trail of the perps, though, and this i know because the wasted youth tagged all their pictures on Facebook. i weep for the future.

The question, though, that no one but me is asking is, What the hell was the neighbor guy doing Facebook stalking pictures of partying teens? Grinning and Pedo Baring it, i’ll bet.

Facebooked 01 The Bar None

Speaking of Facebook. Does anyone out there understand “Groups”? The Bar None has a Group Page on Facebook (and why you haven’t Liked it is beyond me–go there and do it now, please, lazy ass) and there’s a graph on it. Here let me show you.

The Bar None on Facebook

The Bar None on Facebook

If you click on that image, you’ll see that i have “Reached” 1,433 people. What the fuck does that mean? i only have 35 Likes (at least until you just clicked on it a few seconds ago and i ‘preciate that, really) but i’ve reached well over a thousand. If you tell me i touched 1,500 people i’d say it was a conservative estimate but “Reach”? Can anybody tell me what this means? Thanks Drinkers, Drunks and Alcoholics anonymous.

Westvleteren XII Bar None Dregs 02

Drunken Monks

Nov 11: Piss It All Away

What’s the most expensive piss you’ve ever taken? Unless it was on your future father in-laws shoes (while he was in them), on the windshield of an occupied police car or in the boss’s coffee cup, your most expensive piss probably won’t come close to the leak you’ll take when you piss away the money you spent on Westvleteren XII. It’s supposed to be the best beer ever made but the people who say this never got drunk with the girl of their dreams on a sailboat drifting over a sea of night watching shooting stars and realizing you have nothing left to wish for because all your wishes have come true.

Monks in Belgium make this brew to see God but they need some extra cash and God’s a little short so they’re selling it to us peons for the price of $85 (glasses included). At that price you might want to cross your legs and hold it in a little longer to get your money’s worth.

Westvleteren XII Bar None Dregs 01

September 20, 2012: Sparrow Minded

If you’re going to be a chronic alcoholic, go big or go boating. Alison Whelan was in a place called England (a heavily desserted Isle where they binge drink warm beer and take soccer way too fucking seriously), tripping on ‘shrooms (which is not my fucking business) and super drunk on Lambrini at the wrong end of a 2-day bender (which is my fucking business, and business is booming).

Alison Whelan Mug Shot The Bar None

Alison Whelan Mug Shot

She snuck onto a ferry (the boat, not the slang term for most English men), called 999 to say she was having a seizure and after her boyfriend gave the EMTs shit, Alsion noticed the hotels on shore were getting smaller.

Realizing the boat had become unmoored and was floating out to sea, she told her matey that they were pirates now and kept yelling, “I’m Jack Sparrow” while the 2-storey ferry bounced off yachts in the port “like a pinball machine”, as prosecutors would later say.

i’m no expert–though i play one on this blog–but i’m thinking this episode may hurt her chances for the liver transplant she is currently waiting for…

Alison Whelan Jack Sparrow The Bar None

September 6: Red Bull Leaves You Run Down

Next time you feel a little run down, like your dragging, check to make sure it’s not the Red Bull.

Vorayuth Yoovidhya Mug Shot (Bar None Dregs)

Vorayuth Yoovidhya Mug Shot

In a magical country known as Thigh Land, balls deep in Bangcock, there was some Red Bull shit when the 27-year-old hair in the throne of the energy drink magnet hit and ran some cop dead. Sure, the poor officer (or ‘very poor officer’) was dragged under the car but, far worse, the rich car guy totaled his car! A Ferrari!

Vorayuth Yoovidhya Ferrari (Bar None Dregs)

Vorayuth Yoovidhya’s Ferrari (Bar None Dregs)

You know what? They should really make Ferrari’s drunk proof. Sure, Vorayuth Yoovidhya (pronounced ‘Very Hot You Video’) had a BAT of 0.63% but c’mon, he’s rich and rich people have different rules. He dropped a lot of cash on his car, the least it could do is keep him out of trouble.

2012-10-06 Ferrari Crash Bar None Dregs

Ferrari Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Celebrity Dregs

October 26: Don’t Touch This

Bobby Brown has taken a huge step. After trying to create the first DUI Mugshot Playing Card deck (gotta drink ‘am all), after a symbolic rehab stint he hit only so he could run from the law, after being busted 2 months after that for another DUI, Bobby Brown has officially stated he is now considering rehab.

All of us in denial recovery know that the first step to sobriety is thinking about admitting you have a problem. ‘Course Brown is at a disadvantage here because “thinking” is not his strong suit in the Bobby Brown DUI Mugshot Playing Card Deck.

Bobby Brown Mugshot Wallpaper Bar None Dregs

Bobby Brown Bar None Mugshot Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

December 14: Jessica Alba’s Golden Globes

Jessica Alba, Ed Helms, Megan Fox drinking champagne (Bar None Dregs)

Jessica Alba, Ed Helms, Megan Fox in the Bar None

Jessica Alba got drunk with the A-List (Alcohol List) to celebrate her Golden Globes noms (as in ‘nom nom’). Because ‘actor’ is how alcoholics spell ‘career’, Moët & Chandon champagne sponsored the event. Also on hand was Megan Fox who drank the champagne and may or may not be breast feeding, but writing “Megan Fox Breast Feeding” is one of the reasons i gave myself this job. Ed Helms (‘Andy’ from The Office and the dentist from The Hangover and The Hangover Part 2: Bad Remake) showed up too and could be heard slurring “Golden Globes sandwich” wherever he went.

Jessica Alba in the Bar None 0c

Jessica Alba in the Bar None 0a (Bar None Dregs)

Jessica Alba in the Bar None

Jessica Alba in the Bar None 0b Boozecocky (Bar None Dregs)

Bukaki? No, Boozecocky

i jammed some more general sexy shots of her Golden Globes in my drawers, down at the bottom of this post.

Bar None Dregs

WTF Banner

If you need a chuckle, Saint Pauly has posted WTF reviews of each of the Lord of the Rings movies. i laughed, even if he’s not as funny as me.

Go to All About Al K Hall for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s all for the Dregs. Alls that’s left are some of the sexy shots, so click on the Read More link if that’s what you’ve come for.

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Booze Revooze: PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4

Paranormal Activity 4 poster Bar None Booze Revooze

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Rob Zombie – Dragula

[Press ‘Play’ for a song they dance in the dark to]

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 01

I Got A Rise Out Of Her

Ramblings: Paranormal Re-Activity

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk and possessed by beer farts? You start in on the spirits and you already know what’s going to happen even before you begin but sure enough after the first glass you feel the tension terrify your ass and it stresses you out a little bit but the beer is good and your having such a good time you don’t want to stop so you keep adding liquid fuel to the gas and when the bubble finally bursts at least  its not a piece of shit plus the wind makes you jump and some moments are bigger than others and some really freak you out but in the end of your end it’s “no shart, no foul” and you walk shakily away just happy it didn’t stink. Paranormal Activity 4 is a lot like that flatulence.

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 02

“Would you close the door? You’re letting all the demons in.”

i heard what you were saying about this movie before i went and i didn’t listen but believed you anyway so i really expected not a whole hell of a lot. Now, i’m not saying y’all were wrong but i am saying you weren’t right. OK, just uttering the words “Paranormal Activity 4″ is enough to make a toddler laugh but the fact it’s lost its cool factor doesn’t mean it’s not cool.

What do i know about it? What do i know about it? Are you forgetting i’m the guy who’s reviewed Paranormal Activity 1, Paranormal Activity 2 and Paranormal Activity 3? (What can i say– i needed counting practice.) Basically, they get better as they go along and i mean the movies, not my reviews which kick it from the start and never let up.

PA3 was the scariest of the series but instead of going one better, Paranormal 4 gasps and dies a little.

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 03

Disco is Back from the Dead

For those of you who want to see the movie but don’t remember what happened in the other Paranormals, here’s a cheat sheet for your lazy asses:

Paranormal Activity 1: (October 2006) Micah and Katie are harassed by a demon and record it on a digital camera.
Paranormal Activity 2: (Prequel: September 2006) Kristi (Katie’s younger sister), her husband and her hot step daughter are bugged by the same demon and record it on digital home security cameras.
Paranormal Activity 3: (Pre-prequel: 1998) Kristi and Katie are little girls and are stalked by a demon and their stepdad records it on videocassette camera.
Paranormal Activity 4: (Sequel: November 2011) A blonde teen is tormented by an evil Ben with hormones, but also an evil spirit and the neighbor kid from across the street. Her adventures are mostly recorded on webcams and an Xbox.

You probably want to know what doesn’t work here and i get that so i’ll tell you, but it’s mostly minor things. Like at the beginning, Alex (Kathryn Newton) films stupid things that no one would ever film in real life but it just happens to be what we need to see to understand what the fuck the movie is about. Once she sets up webcams to figure out what the fuck is happening in her house, it gets a little more logicaller.

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 04

Bieber Demon

The bottom line is that the movie was good enough to “scare” me. i mean, i wasn’t huddled down under the seat but i was definitely tense and sure, most of the frights came from “got you” moments when things jump at the screen and most of the suspense was knowing things were going to jump out at you and you had to wait for it, but there were some genuine moments of creepy eeriness and those made the movie worthwhile.

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 05

“Mom, Kathryn is connecting Wyatt’s dots again!”

Kathryn Newton carried the movie well on her delicate shoulders and there were only a couple scenes where she had “actor in training” tattooed on her forehead. While we’re on that, i have to card Kathryn here because she’s only 15. [Meaning i won’t put pictures of her with the seductive shots of the other actresses and I won’t use any shots that are not obviously promotional shots from her team–nothing age inappropriate inside the Bar None, peeps.]

Kathryn Newton 2012-11-02 Booze Revooze Paranormal Activity Bar None Wallpaper

Kathryn Newton Bar None Wallpaper – Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper

Kathryn Newton 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Paranormal Activity

Kathryn Newton 02 Bar None Booze Revooze Paranormal Activity

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Katie Featherston is amazing because she gets thinner and younger with each movie. It doesn’t make any sense in the story, but there’s definitely something out of this world playing with that girl and i’m thinking it’s because she sold her soul to the devil. Just sayin’. Here’s what i’m on about.

Katie Featherston 2012-11-02 Paranormal Activity Bar None Booze Revooze Collage Wallpaper

Katie Featherston Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There are some single shots of Katie filling my drawers at the bottom of this post. Scroll down until you hit the “Read More” link.

Playing Paranormal’s MILF (Mother I’d Like To Frighten) is Alexondra Lee who goes something like this:

Alexondra Lee Paranormal 4 Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Alexondra Lee Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

IMDB lists Sprague Grayden (Katie’s sister Kristi) as being in the movie but i didn’t know that she didn’t film any nude new scenes for Paranormal 4 until i saw the film because they only used footage from Paranormal 2. Fortunately for you, i’d already downloaded all the shots so you get some Sprague shots in your face whether you want it or not.

Sprague Grayden 2012-11-02 Paranormal 4 Collage Bar None Boze Revooze Wallpaper

Sprague Grayden Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Whatever, “Sprague” is still the coolest girl’s name ever and i’d so love to live naked with her for no other reason (except one or two) that we could have exchanges where i’d be all,

“Hey, Sprage-un.”

And she’d be all, “Dude…think of more cool nicknames for me.”

So i’d think for a minute and then i’d yell out,

“Sprag-a-Muffin!”

Ahh, the good ol’ days we haven’t had yet. Check my drawers for more spare Sprague shots.

Paranormal Activity 4 flashback Bar None Booze Revooze

Here’s the Flashback with Katie and Sprague

For those of you who are more into Incubus than Succubus, there’s the DILF (Dad i’d Like to Freak) Stephen Dunham.

Stephen Dunham 01 Paranormal Activity 4 Bar None Booze Revooze

Stephen Dunham

Stephen Dunham 02 Paranormal Activity 4 Bar None Booze Revooze

Stephen Dunham

Let’s talk about the spark between Ben and Alex (Kathryn Newton, who is too young to be talked about here but apparently her character isn’t). While it’s mentioned she’s still a virgin, her Ben Pal is definitely interested in piercing that mystery. Problem is, in real life Kathryn is only 15 and Matt Shively (Ben) is 22. Has he not heard of ½ your Age + 7? [On another age related note, Katie Featherston plays Sprague Grayden’s older sister in the series, but IRL Katie is 2 years younger than her “younger sister”.]

Matt Shively Paranormal 4 Bar None Booze Revooze Collage Wallpaper

Matt Shively Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Here’s a bonus of this Frog Prince.

Matt Shively 01 Paranormal Activity Bar None Booze Revooze

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

Nothing much to write home about, or here either for that matter. There were a couple references i jotted down in my notebook, though.

  • Dad drinks beer in front of the TV. Uses a glass.
  • Mom drinks wine. Uses a glass, too.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

Yeah, i’ll go all the way up to 3 shots on this. The movie starts off a little slow but then kicks in and that’s gotta be worth something, as does the fact they included Rob Zombie’s “Dragula” (as did i at the top of this post) so all in all i feel good about rounding up to 3 shots on this.

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 06

“If he doesn’t come home soon, I’ll kill him. Course I’ll kill him if he does come home soon, too.”

Boring Technical Crap

Paranormal 4 Bar None Nooze Revooze 07 Kathryn Newton

Written by:

Chad Feehan – story
Christopher Landon – screenplay

Directed by: Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman

Starring

Katie Featherston – Katie
Kathryn Newton – Alex
Sprague Grayden – Kristi
Alexondra Lee – Holly
Matt Shively – Ben
Stephen Dunham – Doug

Bottom Line

If it’s between Paranormal Activity 4 and a bad movie, choose this one.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The review is over, now it’s on to the view. Click the “Read more…” link to see the stars.

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