Let’s get the boring shit out of the way first. ‘Member how back in March i told y’all about Jani Lane? You didn’t know who he was, remember? And i told you he used to be the singer for Warrant and you were all like, “Oh yeah, I kinda ‘member” and i was all, “Yeah, well he just got busted for a 2nd DUI in 2 years”? Well, here’s the big mystery and i’ll let you drink free all night if you can solve it. Last news was, Lane got sentenced to 120 days hard time back in July and he was supposed to report to the jail on July 28, 2010. Then there’s a black hole of information because now he’s talking about fronting for the White Stripes and no one, not even TMZ or WIKI, can tell you if he went to the pokey or not.
What do you think? Maybe he’s in Witness Protection because he once did cocaine with Obama back in the “Hey” days of the eight-tays. Well anyways, Lane is the poster child for alcoholism. Check out the following picture and tell yourself, “Wow, if I can kick this drinking problem up a notch think of all the money I can save on shampoo and showers.”
WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF ALCOHOL ABUSE.
What do you do if you gotta fuck a lot of frogs? Fuck the most boring ones first because you’ll still be able to work it for the hot ones at the end. Which is kinda what i’m doing in today’s celebrity dregs, ’cause we got another “guy story”—yep, 2 in a row — before we move onto the hot. Or will i? Drink and see, patronizers, drink and see…
You know how you know you’ve hit bottom of the barrel? You got to a bar to pick fights with reality show almost-rans. And waste booze. Which makes Arturo Trejo-Perez the King Of Loser Assholes because he’s got some pretentious name and went to some club in West Hollywood and saw some dude who’d been kicked off Project Runway of all shows. So Pear-ass goes up to Rami Kashou (bless you) and starts hassling him. Kashou-Nut just wants to get his drink on so he tells the Asshole King “I’m nobody, just a waiter, leave me alone.” Nope, not good enough for “In the Land of the Hinds, The One-Brown-Eyed Man is King” who dumps his beer (AUUGHHH!!! Alcohol Abuse!) on Rami’s bald head and then T-P (see, even his initials are asshole related) smashes the beer bottle in Kashout’s face. What a douche. If you still care, click on the link at the heading but i got bored of this ages ago and i just wanna post Heidi Klum pictures because she’s in Project Runway.
Heidi Klum in the Bar None
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There’s gonna be tons more single shots of her down in my drawers— just scroll all the way down.
A quick note about Gloria Stuart, an old woman who played the old woman in the movie Titanic. She hit 100 (years old, not miles per hour) back in July and just a couple days ago her heart didn’t go on anymore. i’d like to raise my drink and offer a toast to this classy lady who could run an obedience school for today’s young pups and bitches and train them what it means to age gracefully. Barmaids and Beerhounds, i give you Gloria Stuart.
In your decadent country of those United States, it’s apparently possible to become professional trailer trash. This is a job i could do well. Apparently not as well as some girl named Snooki who we’ve never heard of here in Yeaman because our definition of celebrity isn’t as wide as some of yours are. So this Snooki character got arrested for disorderly conduct after she did body shots in some bar (and with the size of that gut, i’m guessing her navel holds a double shot), fell off a bike, walked around with a beer bong and just got into all kinds of general mischief. Here’s some shots of her bust.
Tara Reid was super hot in some old episodes of Scrubs i saw a couple months ago. i was all looking forward to doing some research on her for this post when i saw that she got super trashed at this one party in St Tropez over the summer. The good news was, she’s a party animal. Who the hell knew other than not me? Damn, it was so easy to find pictures of her trashed, as you can see by the collage at the top of the post. Shit, here’s another collage of all the men, women and old freakin’ astronauts (Buzz Aldrin) she made out with in the South of France.
The bad news is, her boob job turned out as wonky as some other reality star who also got drunk. You’ll see later. Lesson here, ladies? Don’t touch the boobs! That’s my job. Plastic surgery will screw up your golden orbs and make you depressed enough to want to drink all the time.
This is what’s known as a musical interlude. Jamie Foxx got shitfaced in Santa Monica the other night, drinking Patron Tequila and livin’ the life i should be living. How did he get to be so hot, talented and successful? Blame it on the Alcohol.
From the juiced-box and a Jamie Foxx song: Blame It (on the Alcohol)
Back to the chick action. So this other chick, let’s call her Audrina Patridge (because that’s her name) was in London over the summer and got royally toasted. She got so toasted her eyes went as wonky as her fake boobs, and that’s some scary wonky right there.
Here’s another shot of her partying, but there’ll be more of her in my drawers.
Audrina Patridge and Lauren Conrad in the Bar None
You know what kind of girl i wanna party with? The kind that can make a party happen wherever she goes. Even if that place is as boring as the US Open. Ashlee Simpson, who is a singer i’ve never heard of here in Yeaman, bottled up her A-game and didn’t just go there, she went there and brought it and danced around with it and brought it all the way back home.
More drawer shots of her coming up, babes. Just look down.
Three weeks of dregs building up and i’m getting beer balls. It’s getting a little thick in The Bar None, let me tell you. Hanging out in the bottom of this barrel of fun, we got a Warrant warrant, a home wrecker who takes “I’m coming” literally, a guy too drunk for his DUI trial, a Flales Wanker, Canadian shots, a Canadian spread, vintage Lohan getting Ricci, “Twit-light” Pattinson lit up and oh so much more…
From the juiced-box and in honor of Jani “It’s My Name I’m Really A Guy” Lane’s appearance in the Celebrity Dregs, i give you: Warrant – Cherry Pie
Speaking of Multiple Car Accidents… Jason Botos, this 30-year-old in Nebraska, was driving while soberly challenged last September. Apparently his car jumped a curb and hit 5 cars (and here i am wondering what the hell the cars were doing on the sidewalk to begin with). Anyway, his sentencing was a couple weeks ago and he was soberly challenged again and who can blame him? For sure i’m gonna get me some liquid clemency before i go up in front of the judge. Botos’ dad drove him to the courthouse and had to find some cops to help him get Jason out of the car ’cause that’s how drunk the dude was. He was arrested in the parking lot ’cause he couldn’t walk to the pokey and clocked in at 0.43% on the BAC test—this week’s high. Some days you just don’t ever want to wake up sober again.
If your name is Slaughter, you pro’lly don’t want to drive drunk. And if you do, you probably don’t want to swerve back and forth between the lanes and cross the yellow line next to the median. On an interstate. While going 20 mph. Tommy W Slaughter did and, because he was hammered, he got nailed. Another tip no matter what your name is: it looks bad when, after the cops pull you over, you forget to put the car in park before you get out of the vehicle and it starts to roll away. All of this and more happened to Tommy W Slaughter (57) who was surprised to be stopped by Tennessee police—surprised because he thought he was in Virginia. When the officers asked him how much he’d had to drink, he said, “Too much. I’m drunk. Do what you gotta do.” So the police asked him to take a field sobriety test. “I”m drunk,” was all he said. A breath test? “I’m drunk.” What about a blood test? “I’m drunk.” Apparently the law finally believed him because they busted him for DUI and “violation of implied consent” (which is a charge i’m gonna start imposing on babes in the bar who reject me). Oh yeah, the corker? This was his tenth offense. Babe, if at first you don’t succeed, drink, drink again—while you wait for a cab.
BTW, ’cause i know you’re dying to know, the “Flales Wanker/Wales Flanker” thing is called a Spoonerism. Swear to god, look it up.
This Welsh rugby guy was also busted for driving slow on a “motorway slip road”. It’s hard enough driving on the wrong side of the road like they do over there, but to do it while drunk? And in a golf cart? On something called a “motorway slip road” when no one even knows what the hell that is? Madness, i tell you, sheer madness. The rugby guy got his license suspended for 15 months, was fined £1000 and was booted from the team. There’s only one kind of driving you should be doing with a golf cart, and it involves your wood and your balls.
Speaking of driving and wood and balls, this guy in Lewiston, Idaho was driving when he decided to go all the way with the car…and the passenger. They were “participating in sexual activity” while he drove and i’m betting it involved trying to start his engine because when i drink it always takes my motor a few extra minutes to warm up. Regardless, all this was going on when he got off—the road. And crashed into a house, causing $50,000 damage to some couple’s kitchen. Man, talk about home wreckers…
After Tommy Slaughter, now we got a babe with a roller derby name… Betty Burden. i’m pretty sure she was named after a Rolling Stone’s hit off of Some Girls. Whatever, Betty (54) got caught driving drunk on the job (her coworkers turned her in). Only problem is, Betty’s job is driving a school bus and when the Transportation Coordinator got on at her first stop, she was transporting a full load of elementary school kids. He didn’t smell booze on her breath but followed behind her with the cops, who eventually did pull her over, after she’d dropped off 50 of her charges. She blew 0.230% at the scene and 0.226% back at the station (click here for the BAC explained). She admitted to pounding a few screwdrivers and so was screwed: suspended without pay and arrested for DUI on a $10,000 bond.
‘Member Julie Laack from the Stripper Dregs i posted back in mid January? Well, her story was better than Irving Howard’s. Perv-ing took off to the bar barefoot and when he got called on it, he took off all his clothes and ran into the Ladies’ Room, pro’lly ’cause he’s a pussy. When the cops called him out, he screamed and ran out fists clenched, only to get tased. Twice. This explains the look on his face and his naked self in the mug shot…
Forget that Denis Danny Roberge (19) got busted stealing a beer and that he now has to go back to the clink for 60 days because he’s a repeat repeat offender. The thing that freaked me out was the beer cost $3.37! Even if you consider it’s Canadian dollars, that’s still a lot in real money… Aren’t 40′s a buck twenty or something? He must’ve chosen the good stuff because he was shoplifting to celebrate being released from jail, after 8 months served for theft.
Apparently some kid named Barack Obama read my Booze Revooze of Invictus after he got his ass elected President of the United States of America [and instantly there are so many CIA/FBI/INTERPOL/and other initials i can't even spell cyber spies swarming onto this post that there's an IT vacuum created over all of China]. Anyway, he saw how Morgan Freeman (pretending to be Nelson Mandela) won a booze bet with the President (or whatever) of New Zealand. Obama bet a case of beer on the US/Canada Olympic Hockey Game and lost when the U.S. team choked in overtime. In a very presidential move, Obama paid his DUIOU by sending a case of Molsons and a case of Yuengling, the ‘Bama’s favorite brew. The Canadians, being Canadian, promised to put it in the Hockey Hall Of Fame in Toronto. No, i’m not kidding.
"Drink It? HELL No! This Is Good For The Museum!"
Here are some Canadian chicks who weren’t afraid to drink the ‘water’:
i’m back to lovin’ Lindsay again. Linds was in London at the beginning of the month and was a celebrity DJ in some club. But only for a minute. Seems she was so bad that it was embarrassing and, according to the party revealers, she constantly had a drink in her hand and was a “total drunken, incoherent mess.” Nice to have you back on the good side of The Bar None, babe.
In news so related it’s incestuous, Slohan showed up at the scene (a fashion week after-party in Paris) of another Crime Against Humanity. Before you pass judgement, check out the Crime Scene Photo-Collage:
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Why am i serving up drunken shots of Christina Ricci? OK, apart from the obvious reasons… Because Linds was there (see why she’s back in my good graces?), aids-ing and a-bedding like the best of accomplices. Here’s the proof:
So what do you think? Does Lohan feel guilty about Ricci’s loss of innocence? The jury may be out, but not nearly as much as Ricci Rich.
Speaking of her large assets, here’s a collage of Christina Ricci. There’ll be some individual shots hiding at the bottom, in my drawers.
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One final thing about Ricci because i’m drunk enough i can’t let this pass… If you’re reading this it means you know me by know (and if you don’t know me now, you will never never never know me, oooh ooh ooh) which means you know i’m more a fan of AAAs than D’s and i’m not talking about batteries. Point being, while Ricci is not my type, i love the huge mole she’s got in her cleavage because it’s kinda like the Holy Grail: once you got your hands on it, your quest has ended. But then she had to go and ruin it all but TATTOOING her tit! Auugghh!
There is no madness equal to the insanity of tattooing or piercing a female breast. The Goddess, in her infinite wisdom, gave us humans the embodiment of the ideal, of heaven here on this earth in the form of the female breast and some infidels tamper with this breast-loved symbol, thinking they can improve on perfection. Yet in doing so, they debase it. They make it mundane. Sorry to wax so poetic on y’all, but talkig about hooters hits me where i live. Check it out and tell me i’m wrong.
Goes something like this. On May 18, 2009, ex-Warrant frontman goes on TV to talk about how he’s all clean and sober.
“It’s just a matter of deciding you’re done, in my opinion. I mean, that probably oversimplifies it, but really, really and truly you have to go, ‘You know what? I’m done with this. I don’t like feeling like this, I don’t like living like this.’ And it’s also nice to get the creativity back, which is impossible to flow when you’re unconscious.” [From Blabbermouth]
Then, on June 17, 2009, Jani got in a fender bender and turned out the boy was drunk, which got him arrested for DUI. Guess he did oversimplify after all. His trial was originally set for February 23, 2010 but Jani had other plans. He also stood up the judge on the makeup date, February 24th. Two no-shows for the showman who won’t show up meant a warrant for his arrest was issued at the beginning of the month.
Nicholas Brendon, who played “Geek Assistant #1″ (or something) in the TV series Buffy The Vampire Slayer, got his ass slayed on St Patrick’s. Someone called in a drunk guy causing much ruckus in Venice Beach and the Buffy Slayers showed up and, after Brendon took a swing at them and ran away, the cops tased Brendon, twice. i don’t know about vampires, but you slay me, bro.
Nicholas Brendon Mug Shot
The good news about this is that it gives me a good (enough) excuse to exposé Sarah Michelle Gellar.
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Sarah Michelle Gellar in The Bar None
Like Christina Ricci, there’re more hot shots in my drawers, down below.