Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of BLACK SWAN

From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Natalie Portman – Uncensored Rap

[Press Play for THE Natalie Portman rapping, “Shut the fuck up and suck my dick”]

Ramblings: “Black…” is Beautiful

Final Proof: 4½ Shots

You know how it is when you get drunk and look in the mirror? You look normal and you look normally when you catch your own eye as you stagger past the glass, but it’s like one of those words you repeat over and over again until it no longer makes sense ’cause your face melts like ice in bourbon into that word you no longer recognize so you keep staring, waiting to see something familiar but the longer you look the more of a stranger you become so you start talking to yourself and when the reflection of yourself doesn’t answer you flip it off and then you reach the point where you forget who is who and which one is you, the ass or the bastard behind the glass and if you’re really shattered you fight the reflection with your fist in your face so that you and the glass are both cracked and bleeding. That’s exactly the kind of reflections Black Swan will leave you with.

Black Swan is what we in the movie business call “fuckin’ good” and just stop me if I start getting too technical for your lay asses. Why was it fucking good? Because it wasn’t perfect but tried to be.

There’s this quote and I’m pretty sure it’s by Bono where he talks about John Lennon and Bono says what gets him isn’t how Lennon hits the note perfectly, but the way his voice cracks when trying for it. Black Swan is that perfect crack. Because the movie isn’t perfect, but it strives to be.

Dark and intense like any woman worth my salt, Black Swan takes us on a tour of broken glass on the other side of a jagged mirror. It’s edgy, sharp and perversely intimate.

One word about Natalie Portman before we move on to the good stuff (or at least the better than shit stuff). i know there was some trashed talk about how she didn’t really do the dancing and rather than give more attention than i already haven’t to some unprofessional dancer looking to time lease her 15 seconds of infame, i’m gonna steer you to an article where the director details exactly how much tiptoeing Natalie did through the tulips. i’m also gonna add that no matter how much dancing Natalie did, she still rocked the tutu off the role and owned the Oscar even before she won it. Then, when you realize she actually did most of the steps, you rise to your feet in misty eyed spontaneous applause.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 4 Shots

There’s so much going on here i don’t know which chicken to choke first.

Let’s start with Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman was bendy as a red hot twizzler in this movie and just as tasty. Not only did she go there, she went there, danced on it, broke it, fixed it and brought it back. She fucking owned it and by “it” i mean “everything”, including the sex and you had to know that’s where i was going because i just gave a 4-shot sex rating.

For example, we start off with Natalie in panties and covering her own boobs with her hands, and from there it only goes up and “up” is the direction it goes, ’cause there’s a scene of Natalie beating off in bed and then beating off again in the tub so that she can make the switch to Bad Swan and you so want to be with NP when she’s Bad Swan because you get to spank her little tutu.

i’m gonna toss up the mandatory collage/wallpaper and then i’m gonna stick some single shots of her deep down in my drawers.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

i see your Natalie and raise you Mila dollars.

Here’s what i think is cool, any woman’s whose last name can be used as slang for the female sex organ. Like “Kunis”. As in, “Get a load of that Kunis.” There was Kunis galore in Black Swan, let me tell you. In addition to all the hot, sweaty Kunis this film oozed with, there was some lesbian Kunis. Was it fantasy? Was it real? Was it a dream? Do we care as long as they show it? They showed it all right.

They showed everything from Mila and Natalie kissing to Mila eating out and i don’t mean at a restaurant unless we’re talking about the smorgasbord between Natalie Portman’s thighs. Here’s an eyeful of that but don’t look too long or your eyes will get steamed up.

It’s a little anti-climatic, (get it?—nope, not if it’s anti-climatic), but here’s a Kunis wallpaper and there’s more to come in my drawers.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Then, just when you  thought it was over, there’s some of my Winona…

…who wasn’t so hot in the movie as she was drunk  but then there’s a certain charm in that as well, am i right? If you’d like to Ryder, there’s single shots of her filling my drawers.

For those of you more into Peacocks than Swans, here’s some Vincent Cassel action.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Here’s a bonus shot that will serve as a nice entrée for the Drink part of my show…

Winona in the Bar None - Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

A Smoke

Drink: 2 ½ Shots

Black Swan was a little weak on the booze, but then i get that the focus of the film wasn’t alcohol and, if you look at it from that perspective then there was a goodly amount of drink and drinking.

‘Cause like Winona’s character, Beth Macintyre, is an alcoholic and they have her drinking a lot. Like almost all the time. While i’m on Winona, she did such a good job acting drunk in the movie that she came away with the Alkie for Best Drunk Actress in the 2011 bArCADEMY AwkWARDS.

Here’s the rest of the blow by blow:

  • Thomas Leroy (Vincent Cassel) makes a toast to Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman) with champagne
  • Lily (Mila Kunis) takes Nina out for a drink

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

Sure, there wasn’t a lot of rock and roll music in the movie, but i’m here to tell you this movie was wall to the balls to the wall Rock and Roll in its own personal way.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Screenplay: Mark Heyman, Andrés Heinz, John McLaughlin
Story: Andrés Heinz

Directed by: Darren Aronofsky

Starring

Natalie Portman              …           Nina Sayers

Mila Kunis           …           Lily

Winona Ryder   …           Beth Macintyre

Barbara Hershey             …           Erica Sayers

Vincent Cassel  …           Thomas Leroy

Bottom Line

See it. Just shut up at do it. What are you still doing here? Oh, the drawer shots, right. OK, but see it right after the drawer shots and no dilly dallying mister.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Natalie Portman (30)

Mila Kunis (28)

Mila Kunis in the Bar None

Winona Ryder (39)

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Or, if you’re looking more for A&T (Alcoholism and Treatment) than T&A:


Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of THE PRIVATE LIVES OF PIPPA LEE

Just One Life To Live

From the juiced-box and the song during the credits: Lucinda Williams – I Lost It

[Just press ‘Play’]

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Ramblings: The Lives Of Pippa Lee’s Privates (Porn Title)

Final Proof: 1½ Shots

You know how sometimes you drink with chicks and there’s this one babe who’s pretty enough and she starts talking about her life and makes you believe she’s had this wild existence because she believes it so much? So you buy her another Cosmopolitan (and that shoulda been your first sign) and she reveals all these deep, dark secrets and you feel a little tenderness at the beginning because it’s cute how she thinks these episodes from her life are so fascinating even if they’re more common than beer rings on paper coasters but after a while you start to tire of her going on and on about her ‘insane multiple lives’ when you’ve lived more most weekends. That’s kinda what The Private Lives of Pippa Lee is like.

You know me and how sensitive i am, right? i feel kind of bad about trashing this movie because the book and screenplay were written by the director, Rebecca Miller, which means it’s pro’lly autobiographical. Look, ‘Becca (can i call you ‘Becca?) i’m not knocking your life. i’m glad you’ve enjoyed so much success telling people about it but, babe, there’s only one ‘life’ here and there isn’t much living in that one.

Plus, i hate Keanu Reeves. Always have. He can’t act. He could fake it in Matrix because Neo is a character who has the personality of someone who doesn’t know how to act. But man, Keanu in a real movie? Makes you wish you had a case of whatever Kenneth Branagh was drinking when he tapped Kan’ya for Much Ado About Nothing. Anyway, K-boy drags this movie down in a big way and it wasn’t even that far up there to begin with.

i will raise a glass to Blake Lively, however, who has a richer role here than in Gossip Girl and doesn’t disappoint. Another drink to Alan Arkin who is like good whiskey: the older he gets, the better he is.

The other thing i liked was how much smoking there was in this movie. Pippa (Robin Wright Penn) and Young Pippa (Blake Lively) both smoke Marlboro Lights and there’s something about close-ups of a girl smoking that really flare my hot box. The only minor disappointment was that Blake Lively is obviously not a smoker and was just going through the motions. A real smoker can tell.

As for the rest of the movie: it’s slow, uneven and doesn’t end at the right time. That’s Life.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

i gotta give it something considering the sheer quantity of female glory that strolls through this thing…

Ironically, the only nude scene isn’t the hottest part of the movie. It’s by Christin Sawyer Davis who plays Shelly, Julianne Moore’s lesbian lover. She undresses before getting into a sexy photo shoot (think Blake Lively in a pony tail and frilly diaper pretending to be a baby in a playpen or wearing a French maid’s outfit with a leash).

Julianne Moore isn’t in the film long but rocks as Kat, Pippa’s aunt’s lover. There is a nice girl/girl kiss between Kat (Moore) and Aunt Trish (Robin Weigert). The other nice part is that Kat never wears a bra and struts around the apartment in a tight knit thingy (ask a woman if you names for clothes). Kinda like this:

My other beautiful surprise in this film was seeing Winona Ryder again. Sure, she had a brief appearance in Star Trek (2009) but that was just a teaser to remind me of the days my cousin and i walked around singing: Na na nanana Na Na nanana Na Na nanana My Winona!

Screw it. You listen to the song and sing the above lyric.

[Press ‘Play’ and sing along]

Anyway, i was thrilled to see how truly beautiful she is, but even more, to see how excellent her performance was as Pippa’s friend, Sandra. She was truly the funniest and most fun thing about the movie. Here are some shots of our little girl growing up:

Coming back to Blake Lively… i won’t repeat how impressed i was by her performance as well, but i will say there was some Blake Lively Titty Blocking (when an actress is topless but the director hides her boobs through different miss-directing techniques). Still, you tend to forgive this when you remember her first scene was her looking incredible in denim cutoffs. The TB here was done while she was lying naked beside Alan Arkin (and if that didn’t give him a heart attack he’s good to go for another ten years) and she blocked her tit with her arm. While i’m on the subject of Blake, i loved the way her mouth curled around the ‘F’ word when she said, in close-up, “I’m a fµck up.” Maybe it’s just me, but women always look hot as hell when they say that word. That and “bitch”. The things a woman’s lips does when she says “bitch” are better than two Viagra and a shot of scotch. But enough about me, here’s Blake:

Leaving The Bar None

S’All Right, Babe, i Got Your Back

There’s another kinda sex scene with Keanu rubbing off Pippa (Robin Wright Penn) to a climax inside her jeans. She does a good job of faking it (hmmm, maybe that’s why she filed for divorce from Sean Penn last August…) and then cries afterwards. Hey, you’d cry too if you just had Kenau Reeves’ hands down your pants.

Speaking of Ke-no-no, another thing that bugs the crap out of me is how in movies they always have women walking around wearing pajamas with a bra on. Every guy knows women hate sleeping with a bra because it’s as uncomfortable as sleeping on the wet spot. But actresses are too sensitive about revealing a little jiggle action, so they always get right out of bed all bra’d up. Fake, annoying and a buzz kill. Robin Wright Penn had some of that going on here and i couldn’t let it slide without a little rant.

That said, up for a little Robin?

Is That An Outtie Or Are You Just Glad To See Me

Finally, there was a surprise appearance by Monica Bellucci as Herb Lee’s wife, Gigi Lee. Her role was short but she looked good filling it. Here’s what i mean:

 

At The Bar None

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

A quick ‘rum through’ of the notes i scribbled during the movie:

  • The movie starts with a red wine toast at dinner to an editor and his wife, Pippa Lee.
  • A bottle of red as a present at a party.
  • Vodka martinis at a party.
  • Young Pippa does cartwheels on the beach and hits from a wine bottle (red).
  • Champagne at the divorce meeting and a drink to ‘transformation’.

Picture From My Personal Stash

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

There’s a song that young Pippa dances to in her room while on speed and i think it’s “Still To Be Painted” by Pitcher’s Pony but i can’t find the song or confirmation.

There’s a Dusty Springfield song (“I’ll Love You For A While”) but i can’t scrape that up either.

The song i posted above, Lucinda William’s “I Lost It”, rolls during the credits.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Rebecca Miller

Directed by: Rebecca Miller

Starring

Robin Wright Penn – Pippa Lee

Blake Lively – Young Pippa

Winona Ryder – Sandra Dulles

Julianne Moore – Kit

Monica Bellucci – Gigi Lee

Christin Sawyer Davis – Shelly

Alan Arkin – Herb Lee

Bottom Line

Don’t see it, not even to score ‘Chick Flick’ points because chances are she won’t like it either.