The Reasons i Drink: #1 Drinking Is Better Than Not Drinking

Message in a Bottle

Message in a Bottle

i am never sober. i’m either drinking or not drinking.

Drinking is better.

Ok, sure, Not Drinking makes the next day gay-er. My step is a little lighter when my stomach doesn’t feel like it’s decomposing road kill and i’m praying my bowels won’t choke an ass vomit from my intestines too far from a john.

Obviously, my smile is a little wider when i’m not suppressing technicolor burps and every time i move my head makes me seasick.

Yes, dammit, my mood is ever so brighter without a hangover only suicide can cure, where i spend every painful moment wishing the day would end like a whimpering mongrel with worms finally being put out of its misery.

However–those are all reasons for avoiding hangovers, not staying dry. Is pleasure simply the absence of pain?

That’s why i drink. i drink because not drinking does not make my life better. Sobriety does not make me a better person. Physically, i feel better but it takes more than laying off the booze to make me less lazy, less guilty and less afraid. Changing those sentiments requires both not drinking and actually doing something about it.

A corollary to Drinking Is Better Than Not Drinking: Drinking is easier than not drinking.

———————————————————————————————————————————————–

Currently Drinking: Yin-Yang.

Yin-Yang

Yin-Yang

FoggyHangover Forecast: Foggy… i’ve drunk a bottle of white (Sauvignon) on an empty stomach but it’s only 8pm in Yeman, i’m going to eat for the first time today and, most importantly, there’s no more alcohol left anywhere in the apartment.

One thought on “The Reasons i Drink: #1 Drinking Is Better Than Not Drinking

  1. I really do love that photo and am so glad that you used it!

    “Physically, i feel better but it takes more than laying off the booze to make me less lazy, less guilty and less afraid. Changing those sentiments requires both not drinking and actually doing something about it.”

    Alcohol is a numbing agent, a coping mechanism for the gripping anxiety that comes with all of these deep-seated emotions, huh. For some it is food that does this, for some it is sex, for others even “healthy” stuff, like running or weightlifting. We each have our best-loved security blankets without which there seems to be no peace…. So, there is no judgement around the fact that you choose to cope. We all have to, somehow. And there is no judgement (an evaluative thought process that says “X is good and Y is bad”) around the alcohol, either. Obviously the bad feelings with the fear and guilt and anxiety are bigger than the hangover ones and need to be numbed in this way, else you would not do this to yourself, huh. It is what it is….

    But as someone who loves you, as someone who sees the vicious circle that this can be (and it can be especially vicious), I hope that there will be some kind of release from it. Ideally it would be that the fear and anxiety and guilt abate to the point that they become manageable. Manageable to the point where the feelings that come with them are less than the bad feelings with the hangovers, or that they no longer need to be numbed in this particular way. You know, like where there is a shift in the economy that makes the price paid not worth what you get in return, and so you no longer need to buy it. yes, it was like that with me and food: that the high price I was paying physically no longer became worth the exchange of having foods and drinks (!) I loved to have. The price of the shitty feeling that I got from eating the things that were hurting me became something I no longer wanted, I no longer could afford (I became broke). The exchange for for the goodness of bread, or the goodness of cake, or the goodness of Taco Bell became too dear. Seemed impossible to me before, and yet here I am now. Yeah, it has meant a shift in the way I think about and approach food, but I am also now again the skinny girl I once was, and a lot less depressed to boot. It’s a slow process to heal from. But, I reached my limit. I reached “that point.” And the economy shifted.

    So here is to a restructuring of the economy of things *ching ching* That the MORE in this sentence: “it takes more than laying off the booze to make me less lazy, less guilty and less afraid” will be found, that its secrets will be revealed to you.

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