The Reasons i Drink: #2 Drowning Potential

Drowning in Alcohol

Drowning in Alcohol

Great people reside inside me. Too many of them.

i’m trying to drown them all.

Drowning Angel

There’s the nobel prize winning author who’s sold more books than the bible and has been translated into languages that don’t even exist yet.

Drowning Pirate

There’s the romantic in gleaming armor who makes the Angels swoon and leaves broken hearted damsels weeping on their knees along the path he has passed.

Drowning Boy

There’s the grinning little buck toothed boy with apple pie-in-the-sky eyes who’s so sincere terrorists drop their weapons before him and immediately commence loving their neighbors.

Then there is the creative dad, the carefree lad, the helpful soul, the joyous fool, the intellectual who knows too much and the rebel, sensitive yet tough. The world’s best lover, your favorite brother, the pony prancer and prayer answerer, the happy one and the good son all rolled into one.

So many people so very different with only one thing in common: they are not me.

They are who i could be, my possibilities–me, potentially.

The problem is, i could never live up to them, let alone their potential. Trying would be a fool’s quest that would finish with me worse off than i’d been before.

The happy news is i’ve found a way to quench their constant cries for freedom, to quell their endless up-risings, to appease their petty pleas for release. i drown them, drown them in alcohol.

They never really die, of course, but at least their ceaseless efforts to claw their ways out subside in the tide of the liquor.

That’s why i drink. Respite from the distraction of the better me i could be and the failure awaiting me should i try.

A SmokeCurrently Drinking: Smirnoff Ice. It’s cold, only 5% alcohol and helps take the edge off the hangover.

light rain Hangover Forecast: Light showers. Today’s physical hangover will have passed by tomorrow but i’ll have to deal with the residual blues i always get after a binge.

9 thoughts on “The Reasons i Drink: #2 Drowning Potential

  1. Beautifully, gorgeously-written. You turn a phrase as well as you turn a corkscrew, my dear.

    This is such a bittersweet post as well: “Respite from the distraction of the better me i could be and the failure awaiting me should i try.” *sigh* Would that all the wonderful selves in you could say their piece and find their peace without your having to drown them. I toast to that eventual time and place (with my alcohol-free yerba maté herb concoction, lol) of greater integration and ballast for them all, for I do love them all with their special and unique qualities.

  2. Hey — been thinking more about this part…….

    “So many people so very different with only one thing in common: they are not me.
    They are who i could be, my possibilities–me, potentially.
    The problem is, i could never live up to them, let alone their potential. Trying would be a fool’s quest that would finish with me worse off than i’d been before.”

    I really think this is “The Perfectionist” talking here. Yes, you would be worse off than you had been before, if you are reaching for the impossible, which is what you describe for each of those beings within you. No human could live up to any of that…. But I think it is Perfectionist Guy that has set the bar for each up there…..

    What happens or what do you think if you took each of those down a notch or seven, and understood each person/personality at a slightly different level of perfection? I mean, no one climbed Maslow’s Pyramid in one jump. What is basic to each person/personality that is within reach? You knowwww, the baby steps kind of thing. I know there is a part of you that will not settle for less (it’s why you are with me, heh heh!! :D) but what happens if you try to draw a more realistic picture of what it is that each of these people represent?

    I mean, you have written several entire novels. Many never get over the hurdle of even writing one.

    The romantic guy actually went on a boat ride, liked it, and kissed me while we were on the ride. Held my hand. Noooo, he was not saving me nor making me swoon? I can save myself, thankyouverymuch, and all swooning does is make one feel ill. How about the fact that he remembers things I have said or written that even *i* barely remember writing or saying? How about the fact that against Perfectionistic Guy’s better financial judgement, he took me on a shopping trip to IKEA to make our home a more comfy place to exist? I could go on, but you get the idea. Oh, wait, one more: he was the one that wanted me back even after I took his heart and tore it up into a million little pieces. Yeah, that was no small feat. A biggie.

    I think you get my point. Tell Perfectionistic Guy to shut the fuck up and instead of looking at the lack, look at what actually is TRUE.

    You are each and every one of those things in human, not superhuman, form. This planet is way too fucked up for anyone to be the superhero. But you know what else? Here’s my two woo woo bits (not THOSE, you perv! :)~): the spiritual/soul part of you which is the part of you connected to the divine IS in fact *already* all of those things up there, perfect, untouched, and superhuman. It is the part of you that shows you what is real and what is true, and is already there. Nothing to live up to as it already IS. Just sayin’. Connect to that part of yourself, and you already have it all.

    Okay — that’s all for now, but I got to thinking about this some more & came back and re-read as I love this post.

    *mwah*

    • Yeah, that’s what i kinda learned by writing this post. i guess i’ve always known it but writing it out helped me to realize it on a more cognitive level. Unfortunately, just getting it down won’t make me any more courageous about trying to be better. i’m still afraid of failing… i need to learn how to set more realistic goals.

      But hey, i set the goal of posting daily here and look at me go. Baby step after baby step.

      *MWAH*

  3. I really wish there were a “preview and edit” feature to WordPress comments, lol. Ignore the punctuation and spelling errors. All else is what I meant to say. Oh and I was intending the smiley face to have a sticky-outy tongue, which is why the ~ is there. How to make that face in comments anyway?!?

  4. Oh, and Miss Anthropic, the possessive one in me, really wishes you has sunk the pirate down a little deeper and drowned the damsel-in-distress while you were at it!! LOL. Pirate Schmirate. Ho ho ho. (*snarky snort*)

    Heh. Sorry. I wish for romantic pirate-y guy I could play the “teddy bear” game and give him more to feed off of…. I have to say that the romantic Princess and Angel in me wishes Holly and Suicide would not interfere with P/A’s own desire to be your DiD, your teddy bear, but you got Miss Demeanor instead. If I could be that girl, if I could play that role, I TOTALLY would. P/A is really the one that gets so hurt and jealous, you know. Then Holly and Suicide whack her over the head with a bat once again, for being so HER, and she remains locked in a dark closet once again. My kids on the bus are learning to get along a little better, though, and hopefully, one day, they will let her out of the closet when they feel it is safe to let her play. I really would like to be your romantic girl, too.

    • We’ve had our romantic moments, babe. More than i could ever have with anyone else. You ARE my romantic girl!

  5. God I got so much insight about myself up there from typing all that. It’s made my day, and Princess Angel is rejoicing for she finally feels like *someone* on the bus let her be heard!! It’s like a weight got lifted or something, with just acknowledging the desires of all of the personalities within me, too. P/A is just scared to death, scared of disappointment, scared of existing, but she does want to exist, and she *so* does want to be the teddy bear princess angel to you, too. *whew* Load off my chest with that one……. Thank you again for this insightful post.

    • i’m glad i was able to play a small part in helping you get to the bottom of something. That’s what The Bar None is for…

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