My Fellow Alcoholics: My Qualifications for Functional Alcoholics Spokesperson

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i knew it was gonna happen, just not so soon.

i’d really hoped the only thing slung in this election would be drinks and not mud, but that’s what i get for looking at life through beer colored glasses.

My opponents picked up my Twitter post of Wednesday, July 29 where i posted, “Currently Drinking: Water. i actually had a dry day today.” Now they’re using it to say i have no right to run for Functioning Alcoholics Slurperson (FASe).

Not Real Alcoholic

My Qualifications

As An Alcoholic

  • While i may not be alcohol dependent (the guys you see sleeping on the sidewalk sucking on bottles like they were funny shaped green tits), i am a binge drinker. i don’t need to drink every day but once i start i’m unable to stop until i either pass out or am hosed down.
  • My drinking has caused me a unique problem set in the office (when i reach the point i can no longer pass off ‘buzzed’ as ‘naturally jolly’), my romantic relationships (‘My boyfriend? He’s the one peeing in / hitting on / sleeping with the potted fern’ only floats for so long), my family relationships (‘Oh great dad! Hangover Day again! You know we never get tired of celebrating these with you…’) and friendships (i’ve used up my current batch and am on the look out for more–any takers?).
  • i plan days when i can binge and look forward to them like Christmas, pay day, or Spring Break in Cancun.
  • Just ask anyone who’s known me for more than three weeks (the approximate expiration date of liking me).

As Functional

  • i’ve held the same job for more than 17 years.
  • i was married for 10 years and drinking wasn’t even the reason for the divorce!
  • i’ve been living with Miss Demeanor for over a year (even if she hasn’t always been ‘living’ with me).
  • i may be blacklisted from ever receiving any Father of the Year award, but despite my problems i’ve helped raise a beautiful daughter with a passion for all things creative (drawing, fiction, poetry, sewing…) and a gut wrenching joie de vivre, as well as a son with such natural sincerity he can’t keep track of all the girls who love him and such intellectual diligence he was accepted at one of Yeaman’s most elite high schools.
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(Paid for by Partakers of Al K Hall For Functional Alcoholic Slurperson)

My Fellow Alcoholics, for all these reasons and more, i humbly weave before you and submit my can-idacy for your International Slurperson. Let me serve you (in both senses of the word) to the best of my capacities.

A SmokeCurrently Drinking: Smirnoff Ice. (Weaning myself off the –surprisingly mild– hangover.)

52Hangover Forecast: Mostly Sunny. i’ll quit after this fifth (it’s only 5% people) and so tomorrow morning will be easier than this one was…